Start Button??

Yesterday was such a lazy do nothing day............ 

Today should be better right??? 

Wrong !!!

I need a start button - I really truly do!!  

W and I have a relatively busy weekend.  Today we are driving an hour or so north to an art show ........ yes an art show !!!  I am really curious what it will be like.  Oh I have been to art museums and art shows....... but this is a private showing ........... an artist who is moving and hoping to sell rather than move ............ should be fun... even more fun because the sun is shining and the day is gorgeous .......... and we will be driving through my beloved mountains.......... 

Tomorrow W and I are going to have brunch with some friends.... even more fun !!  

W is picking me up in an hour or so......... 

Which leads me to ask the question ......... what the hell am I doing here at my pc???  I should be flying around getting showered and dressed and organised to go ..........I am guessing I work better under pressure.

I need a "start button"

OH MY GOD

I am feeling sooooooooo old today!!!

I decided that I was going to get up at 3 am this morning to watch the Royal Wedding..... After all I did for Charles and Diana's wedding ......... why not for Kate and Will??? 

For some stupid reason I couldn't fall asleep - and it was 11 before I finally drifted off...I had set the alarm for 3 am.......... and when it went off I rolled over - all bleary eyed .. flipped the tv on and curled up to watch it...... from start to finish.

And no I am not going to say I fell asleep.... oh no... I watched the whole thing...till 9:00.. then I watched the specials .. and excerpts from the wedding curled up on the sofa in the living room.  Yah yah I managed to crawl downstairs to the sofa.

By lunch time I was exhausted.. I felt hung over.. I had a headache and felt like crap.  

I used to be able to party all night and be bright eyed and bushy tailed the next day.....

No more Royal Weddings for this old lady!!!!

Red Light Green Light

Remember the game you used to play as a kid (well maybe not all of you played it) It was called Red Light Green light.  When the person who was IT called green - you were allowed to run towards them.  When the person yelled RED you had to stop.  If the person who was IT caught you moving you had to go to the beginning and start all over again. 

  
Well on Tuesday night my modem lights flashed RED (well just the internet light to be honest) I guess I was caught moving because I was penalized by losing my internet connection.  Now it might be interesting to note that I had the exact same problem exactly one year ago.  That problem plagued me the entire summer and well into the fall.  For 7 months to be exact.  Each time the tech came out to the house he would fuss around - looking all efficient - change wires - kick the modem and declare my problem fixed.


The only thing was ......... it wasn't fixed - which is why it went on for 7 long months.


For the winter months - when everything was buried under 10 feet of frozen tundra my internet worked like a charm.  Then last week - POOF - like magic - my internet connection was lost again.


I called the ISP and explained about last year........ explained how the problem disappeared magically during the winter months and reappeared as the thaw started.  They weren't buying it.  It had to be something else.


So I waited 48 hours for the tech to show up.  He was supposed to arrive at 9 .... he arrived at 10:40.  He followed the pattern set by all the techs I saw last year.  He fussed around .... looked very efficient in his tool belt..... changed some wires ........ kicked the modem and told me the problem was solved.


I politely asked him if he didn't mind I wasn't too confident.  He vowed he had fixed it.  I asked if he stood behind his work.  He declared he did.  THEN I said "Prove it.  Give me your phone number and the next time I have problems I will call you"


Needless to say I didn't get his phone number.


Anyway - all of that to say...... if I seem to disappear in a puff of smoke ...... never fear I'll be back - as soon as the next tech fusses around ... changes the wires and kicks the modem.

Slut or slave

Slut or slave seems to be the question that is haunting drakor........... he is wondering how he should behave when we are visiting.  I told him it is a bit of a game........ I have never been interested in male submissives/slaves who cross dress ..... I like male submissives/slaves to be all male.

That being said.... I am quite happy to play along with drakor's lil fantasy / desire to be a slutty lil slave boy. (After all he invited me along on the shopping trip to find something sexy and feminine ) 

Anyway.............. yesterday I met up with W for lunch and then we hurried off to Walmart (that dreaded store!!) to see if I could find brooch backings.  Absolutely no luck.  But I had a "Plan B" to keep drakor's skirt up.  I purchased some pretty dark ribbon and planned to thread it through the top of the skirt and make a belt of sorts that can be tightened enough to hold it up.

I also told him that I expected him to be decked out in his lil outfit so he could model it for W.  He fussed and whined that it wouldn't stay up.  I told him to do some problem solving !!  

So when we arrived drakor opened the door - and as usual - hid behind it for fear his neighbours might see him.  (I am going to have to work on that)

drakor was quite imaginative - using HUGE safety pins to gather the skirt in on each side and then topping it with a leather belt to hide the pins.  He also had on black thigh high stockings that had disgusting rips and runs in them........ for some reason he thought that made himself look more slutty ( seems to me to be a slap in the face for most "sluts" who usually dress with care)

Now I am going to get quite picture intensive to demonstrate all of drakor's "sides" shall we say..............

While I was running the ribbon through the waist line - W was busy snapping pictures.  I rather like this "view from below"  it shows off the rips much better than the first picture.

Once the skirt had the ribbon installed.... I asked drakor to sit for a picture......... my god doesn't he look prissy???   He was pleased with himself for sitting with his ankles crossed.  I didn't tell him that one could see all the way up his skirt to his wee tiny bits and pieces.  (but then maybe that was the look he was going for??)

But my favourite picture of all of them is this one........ aren't those panties just the cutest things you've ever seen??? 

All in all it was a good visit - mainly cause it was fun watching drakor squirm.  It's hard to be focused when you aren't sure what part you play in a "scene" (cheeky grin)

crafty

After the success at Easter with my jelly cups..... I am feeling very crafty. 

W and I are going over to drakor's for coffee this afternoon.  I strongly suggested that he wear the lil slut skirt and top so that he could model it for W.  He came back with some whiny answer that the skirt probably wouldn't stay up.  sighhhhhhh........ Now you'd think a good slave would just say "yes ma'am" and make it work.. but not drakor.. never drakor.. he really acts (sometimes) like a spoiled lil slavey boy.  


On the weekend I was asking my girls if they had any idea where I could find brooch backings - so that I could make a flower brooch for a boringly grey dress I have.  (which is true - I did buy a bright red silk rose to pin to it to add a punch of colour)  They suggested Walmart (ugh) .......... So W suggested after he and i have lunch together that we head over and see if i can find these brooch backings.  While we are at walmart - I am hoping to find some supplies to make a tack roller (I am feeling VERY crafty) kaya's finished product encouraged me to make one......... 

So that's the plan - lunch .. walmart.. and then coffee for some (hopefully) skirt adjustments.  I will bring my camera - so you can all expect some photos tomorrow of the lil slut slavey boy.


This is the picture of the pretty pink rose I intend to use as a waist cincher for the slut skirt.

Better than Chocolate

Well it was a busy busy Easter weekend !!!  Saturday went off better than expected... the family arrived on time ( with two snotty nosed grandkids unfortunately) but everyone was in a party mood and we even played Family Feud on the WII!!  It is always interesting to have my ex-husband and W socializing together! I tend to be on the receiving end of a whole lot of teasing.......... 

Sunday we headed off to youngest daughter's house to socialize with the snotty nosed grandkids again and the other side of the family.  Roast beef and lamb was on the menu and yum yum was it good !!!

(The reason I keep mentioning snotty nosed grandkids is that W and I both woke up today with the beginnings of a bug.......... I have a bad throat ... W has a runny nose..... the joys of grandkids!!)

On Sunday morning I really REALLY thought it might be a good time to try an "in house" spanking.  I brought down the toy bag to the living room....... and W was inclined to give it a try too........ 


It was amazing !!  I was over the ottoman... and W used leather straps, wooden paddles (they are still a bit hard to take as they feel as though they are crushing my new found bones in my ass) floggers and leather quirts ........ and finished up with a good fucking...... I was in seventh heaven !!  I can honestly say that spanking is better than Easter chocolate !!

And as another blogger often says - "if there aren't pictures it didn't happen"....... so here's a pic of my ass.... notice the after glow (grinning) ....... oh yeah I nearly forgot until I looked closely at the pic......... W used my tack paddle - which was deliciously painful...... I think I am gonna try making kaya's tack roller........ I really do !!!

Sneak Preview

Well I am a whole lot more organised than I thought I would be on Thursday!  Other than stuffing the turkey and popping it in the oven - doing the veggies and potatoes - and of course getting myself ready....... Everything is ready for the invasion of the family.

So I thought I would share with you a sneak peek of the dining room - cause ya all know once the kids arrive pandemonium will reign supreme and the tranquility of the setting will vanish. 



Every holiday and big family event wouldn't be the same without a centerpiece - and W always supplies the floral arrangement.  This arrived yesterday for the table.  Can you see the yellow "pot" it is in?? that is actually a lil yellow bucket !!!  OMG it is just too cute.  W says I am not allowed to play in the puddles with it until after Easter !!

This is dessert - well for the adults............. the kids always seem to prefer cupcakes (see pic below) Nothing very special about the cake - it is an orange cake - W's second favourite flavour - after lemon.

The table is set .......... AND.......... the lil quiz from the other day answered.  Some of you were dead on....... well except you said chocolate eggs and they are jelly beans. 

I have to wonder how much turkey and trimmings will be eaten when the grandkids see the candy   

And finally Miss Ashes - if you notice the mouth - she is busy yipping at me because I called her to turn so I could get a pic of her face........ she is too busy guarding house and home to pose for a picture and didn't hesitate to tell me so !!!

The reason she feels it is necessary to guard house and home is because yesterday we had an unexpected visitor at the patio door........... 

Miss Ashes was not pleased in the least !!  Though the lil kitten didn't seem to be phased by all the hooting and howling Missy was doing....... and took up residency for the entire day in our yard.

So that is your sneak preview of our Easter celebrations scheduled to start in 4 1/2 hours.  What fun!!!

Not again!!!

I have been realizing over these last few weeks - that things have changed...... inside of me.  It is as though the surgeon removed the rough scratchy edges that lined me inside and smoothed them all out.  

I hadn't said a word to anyone - because I wasn't positive it would last - that it wasn't just some sort of reaction to how sick I was .. weak and worn out... no fight left.  And I wondered as my strength came back if the rough edges would reappear.  

But over the last few days  - maybe a week or so - I am coming to realize that I am not entirely the same person I was in January.  

On one hand I think I am stronger....... I have realized I have allowed so many people - some close to me - some not so close - define who and what I was.  I allowed my temper and frustrations to rule my head.  Now ........ well Now I feel stronger in that I know who I want to be......... what I want to be....... and damn everyone else's opinion.

I told W last evening in an email - that I am NOT a masochist.  NO NO NO........... that was someone else's definition of me.  I am what W always called me - simply a pain slut....nothing more nothing less.

And I am coming to realize I miss the serving aspect of a relationship.  Oh not on my hands and knees bowing to the god almighty who claims to be Dominant... NO NO NO.. more a soft gentle serving..... taking care of my man sort of thing.  


I am not out to accept the challenges of submissives and Dominants who live an extreme sort of D/s   That isn't for me.  I am wiser now.  I see how some of what we do can have serious consequences - health wise - and emotion wise - and I do not want to go there.  

(As an aside - I was remembering last summer playing hard - living up to the masochist label I had accepted - how for days after a session - my body would ache - more than ache - it would HURT.  and I would be weepy and sad.  I felt lost and alone - and more than a little scared.  It took a while - hey you can teach an old dog new tricks - it just takes a while - but I came to realize I didn't like the hurting ... I wanted some TLC .... and it wasn't anywhere to be found......... I was worth more than a "slam bam thank you ma'am" sort of play time)


I  want to change my quick judgmental attitude - some of which comes from my work - where from time to time I have to make quick decisions about someone - but in my personal life I want to be softer... more gentle.. more accepting of people's faults and foibles.

I want to wake up every morning glad to be alive - to see the rain (ugh) and the sunshine and be glad that I am me......... even if this me is changing yet again! (or maybe not changing - but more refining)

ENOUGH

Ok... it's enough now Mother Nature - when I opened the curtains this morning it was .....SNOWING!!
Enough is enough....... 

Yesterday  I decided not to let the weather get to me... I pulled on a rain coat and made my way through the gale type storm to go shopping.  I had an idea and when I get an idea nothing stands in my way......... 

Six dollars later (thank god for dollar stores) I was home drying off........

Then I got busy being crafty - for our family Easter dinner........

Here's a little quiz for you......... what are they going to be used for ????   and no it is not for jelly shots or shots of anything.. this is a FAMILY dinner folks!!! 

Spring???

Spring showers bring May flowers - or so the saying goes.  BUT it is the end of April and we are having much more than spring "showers" - we are having sleet ........ and just north of us - snow!!

We are expecting 40 mm of rain today - for those of you who don't do metric - that converts to about 1.57 inches of rain.  When I look at the conversion I have to admit it doesn't sound nearly as bad as 40 mm!!

But it is dreary - and truthfully - I have had enough of dreary!!!

I so want spring.......... with green lawns and budding plants and warmth on my body when I go out in the sunshine.  I have promised baby daughter I will go out to the island and help transform a dreary mud pile in the front of their new home to some semblance of garden terrace.  I am so ready to be doing that .......... better than being stuck inside cleaning - yet again!!

I was thinking maybe this dreary weather is getting to me more this year because I am sitting at home.  When I am working I guess I hardly notice the weather - no time.  And other than being stuck inside with antsy kids the rain doesn't normally bother me.  So I will put these doldrums down to being stuck at home - in limbo - waiting for something to happen.

Easter is this weekend - time for a family dinner here at "granny's" ......... I have a purple table cloth and yellow place mats to put on the dining table.  If Mother Nature won't provide spring colours I can at least make a good ole try at it !!  And perhaps some spring flowers for the table will lift everyone's spirits.

And who knows - maybe ??? - over the weekend there will be time for an Easter spanking......... now that might be fun.........

Just crap

Right after my surgery when all the problems began........ my surgeon sent me a prescription for the equivalent of metamucil ....... I tried to take the damn stuff - twice a day.  It was like drinking sand - orange tasting sand.  It was totally gross and after just 3 doses I stopped it.  It was gonna kill me I swear !!

Then when I saw my family doctor after being in hospital for so long... she changed my diet.. and my meds... and she suggested I try metamucil.  I gagged at the thought.

But after weeks and weeks of gut wrenching pain and well.... politely put.. the runs....... I decided to try it.  W had told me that there was some with no taste or grit.  Honestly it's not that I don't believe him.. it's that I don't believe the advertising.  But when I was in the drugstore ...... trying to shore up my resolve to buy some...... I saw that they carried fiber in pill form.  YAY!!!  Needless to say I bought the pills....... with added calcium seeing as I am not allowed any dairy.

Now the pills are huge....... HUGE i say !!  and i have to take up to 20 a day (I am at 6 and holding) But it has fascinated me what a change this fiber has brought to my life.  (Yeah yeah a lecture on the joys of fiber!!)  It is supposed to make you "regular" well I was more than regular trust me... like every half hour 24 hours a day for a few weeks..... then finally getting down to 10 - 12 times a day.  Now ......... NOW..... only twice a day..... with no pain.

I said to W in an email (we have no secrets - even if he wished THIS topic was a secret) that I am surprised by how much crap I have in my body....... twice a day crap.


Now there is a point to this.............if you can follow my 'bouncing ball' .......... I wish they made an orange sand drink - or preferably pills - that can wash the crap and pain out of one's life as easily!  We all carry so much crap around inside of us.... weighing us down ... making us feel heavy - stooped shoulders from carrying the weight of the world.  And the pain this crap causes us!!!  Worse than the gut pain I had........ (ok maybe not .... that pain was pretty damn bad - but pain nevertheless) 


Life would be so much easier if all we had to do was take a couple of pills or glasses or sand and wash it all away.  But life wasn't supposed to be easy - someone told me that once.  We are supposed to grow stronger from the difficulties we face and survive.  We are supposed to become better people.  


I believe that.   I really do.  and yeah Buffalo most of the time I wear rose coloured glasses...... but honestly I do believe we become stronger people ....... more experienced people by facing the crap life slings at us and working our way through it.  It helps to have people around us supporting us.... but sometimes we don't.  I have done both.. worked through crap with loving supporting folks.. and done it alone.  But I worked my way through...... and here I am!!  Not perfect ...... far from it......... but marching along life's road to adventure with a spring in my step and hope in my heart.

Fiber any one?? 

 

Band-aide

It was easier then....... when the girls were small ....... to fix their hurts.  A band-aide usually did it.

Oh there were serious injuries - broken bones - cracked skulls - wrecked knees - trips to the emergency room.  But somehow we all survived it.

The girls are all grown up......... but I am still "mom" and still who they come to when they are hurt.... been through it with the youngest and am now going through it with the eldest.

Eight months ago eldest daughter 'miscarried' (according to the doctor) and 3 weeks after that she was rushed back into hospital because it hadn't been a miscarriage - but rather an ectopic pregnancy - she lost the tube and her appendix.  A band-aide wouldn't fix it.

Then a month ago she lost her job after 12 years.  A band-aide wouldn't fix it.


Then this week her husband of almost 2 years told her he no longer wanted to be married.  A band-aide won't fix that either.  


And how I wish it would.  I wish I could take all the hurt away ... make her smile again.. make her see she is a vibrant young woman who will survive this experience.  My words sound hollow - "you'll come out of this stronger than ever"... "you will be ok" ... "you can do this"  I know all those things are true....... it's just right now she doesn't know it... all she knows is heart break and a deep abiding sadness.  


I wish a band-aide was all it took to fix grown up hurts.

Sexy Sunday

Do you remember a week or so ago I announced I had been approached by an online sex shop and asked to do sex toy reviews?  After some correspondence back and forth I sent off a selection of toys (that they would chose from) and sat back and waited.


Honestly I had forgotten about the whole thing ..until Wednesday around dinner time when the doorbell rang.  It was the UPS guy with a fairly big package.  I was surprised and blurted out "What's this?? I didn't order anything?!"  He looked at the package and told me he had no idea what it was - BUT - it was for me.  Gold Star for Eden Fantasy for their discrete packaging !! 

I was tearing into the package - felt like Christmas - I had no idea what toy they had sent me........... when the doorbell rang again.  This time it was eldest daughter.... and of course the minute she saw the package she wanted to know all about it!!


Well after we had both had a good look at the vibrating 'bunny' I served supper and the conversation turned away from sex toys for review. 


I wanted (needless to say) to try out the bunny as soon as daughter had left.  The only problem was it required 2 AAA batteries.  Now I have a gross of AA batteries but there was not one AAA battery to be found in the house.  It had to wait till I could get out and buy some.  (see me pout??)


I am here to announce - I have now successfully tried out the vibrating bunny!!!  


It is small and light weight - which I really appreciated after all the heavy toys I have used that land up cramping my wrist - forcing me to change hands.  It felt as though it was made for my hand.  


The material is a soft gel that feels sublime against one's pink bits.  The vibrations can be controlled from "put me to sleep" all the way up to "OH MY GOD !! don't stop" And it is fairly quiet.  Miss Ashes who was lying a couple of feet away didn't even twitch her ears!!!

I took a couple of my own pictures to show how cute it is and how small........ 

 The bunny is water proof so next time I may try it while I am relaxing in a nice hot steamy bubble bath.

I have to say I would give this bunny 4 gold stars for efficiency - texture - size and lack of noise.  I would also give Eden Fantasies 4 gold stars for quick shipping and for being discrete with their adult toys !!!


What a great Easter present !!!!  


Eden Fantasies has a slew of other vibrators and I am hoping they send off another one sooner than later (cheeky grin) a girl just can't have too many vibrators !!

Saturday

Just in case anyone was unclear on what day it is................. Saturday.

I am sitting here contemplating the day - what to do??? 

The one thing I thought I would do is go shopping for a bathing suit....... because believe me the one I bought last summer ain't gonna do it for me this summer!

On Thursday W and I went  to the States for a day of cross border shopping.  I had it in my mind I might find a swim suit.  Well I found lots of swimsuits......... and I tried them on.

And I hated every single one of them!!

Either they made me feel fat or they made me look pregnant.  

That one day almost dissolved the joy I have felt at the "new" me.  almost.

But I am wondering on this cloudy cold day if I am up to another humiliating shopping trip for a swim suit.

Probably not.

Maybe a lessen in patience instead??? I could go to the big box store and see what new and improved food stuffs they have to offer and pick up some AAA batteries I need.

It's just another cloudy cold Saturday with not much to do...........

Kitchen Slut???

Over one of our coffees with drakor - drakor admitted he had been to a second hand clothing store and bought himself a dress.  He added he thought he would like to go back and buy another one.

Now I personally don't have any desire to dress up males in women's clothing.  However - I do like to push drakor's limits/buttons/whatever you want to call it.  So I volunteered to go with him when he went clothes shopping.


In my humble opinion - it is one thing to go and buy a dress - take it home and prance around the house in it - ALONE.  It is quite another thing to buy this dress and wear it in front of people.  drakor made it clear he had no interest in doing that.


Well what's the point then?????


Anyway - today was the day to go dress shopping.  I had already told him no dresses.  I was thinking along the lines of a cropped spandex top and a mini skirt.  I mean if you want to act like a slut then you had better dress like one.  Besides wearing a dress is no challenge it covers everything right???? 


All that to say I had a picture in my head of what he was going to buy today.  Now you have to understand that when one shops in a second hand clothing store you really don't have the selections you might have in a slut shop.  


The first thing I found that would work (no spandex in sight) was a black camisole top.  Skirts were another thing all together.  First off he is male with a completely different body shape (DUH) from a woman.  But I spotted a sequined mini skirt that was exactly what I had imagined - though one size too small. 


I suggested that he go to the fitting rooms and try the outfit on.  The look on drakor's face was precious!!!  He didn't do fitting rooms... he usually selected what he thought would work ... rolled it up in a ball........ and headed for the cash.  His "fitting room" was the privacy of his own bedroom.


Not gonna work with me in charge of the shopping spree.  So I marched him over to the changing rooms and cajoled him with "no one is gonna see" and "you can go in the last one in the row".  So he went in to try them on.  I was disappointed that he insisted on trying the skirt on OVER his jeans........ geeeez louise !!!  I had come prepared with my camera - I wanted the 'humiliation' shot.... but he wasn't going to give it to me.

The elastic had worn out on the skirt - so it landed up being a tad big.  Not a problem - even for me the non-seamstress.  At the dollar store I purchased a spool of elastic thread - and a bright pink rose that I will eventually turn into a brooch he can attach to the waist of the slut skirt (with a small tuck if necessary) to hold it up. 


Home we went with our purchases.  Over coffee I ran the elastic thread through the waist.  Then had drakor model the outfit for me.  

He's quite the kitchen slut don't you think???? 


Now I just have to make his bright pink rose into a brooch and he's all set to prance around the house............ and who knows - maybe I will cajole him into prancing around my house with company present one day !!

Urges

I have this tremendous urge to write this morning........... but then maybe it's just because it is a rainy day and I told Warren I was going to clean the house today and I HATE cleaning house (I love how it looks after it's cleaned - but the process - nah not so much!!)

The last couple of days have been a bit hellish.  Miss Ashes (my lil cat) was - to put it mildly - lethargic over the weekend - well more lethargic than normal.  Then on Sunday she stopped eating.  

On Saturday Warren and I went to a Mistress's house for dinner (if you are checking out my 365 blog - you have already seen one of the pictures from that dinner with more to come) and I splurged.  Splurging these days is not in the least like splurging in the pre-op days.  I had a salad (god I have been craving a good salad) and half a glass of wine.  Monday I felt like I was back at square one - cramps and the runs.  Tuesday wasn't much better.

On Monday I had to call the vet's.  Miss Ashes still wasn't eating and she kept coming over to me - looking at me with her big eyes - and crying.  I couldn't stand it.  So back to the vets I went.......... one month after my last visit to them when I had to put squirt down.  They had just taken her for xrays - and I was pacing in the parking lot envisioning another verdict of "let her go" - when Warren drove into the parking lot !!  You have to understand - it's not like he lives in the neighbourhood - it was a good 30 minute drive to come and hold my hand.

They kept her in overnight and force fed her .......... and gave her all sorts of pills.  Then Tuesday morning called me and suggested I come and get her.  She was trying for a jail break every time they opened her kennel door and when they locked her back in she laid with her ass against the door and cried.  It was breaking their hearts.  So home she came with 3 bottles of pills and a HUGE syringe to force feed if necessary.  

The minute she got in the door she flew downstairs to the litter box.. then gave herself a bath...... then went looking for food.  All she did on Tuesday was ask for.... cry for.. beg for food.  I decided she probably didn't need the appetite stimulants they sent home with her.  

By Tuesday night my physical ailments had subsided again....... and she laid on my stomach purring like mad... every once in a while rubbing her head against me and crying.  I think she was so glad to be home she couldn't keep back the tears (sort of like when I came home from hospital - like mother like daughter) 

As much as I would like to say she is fine today - that the vet's call that it was probably something similar to colic...... But honestly I can't.  Today she is being a picky eater... a mouthful here a mouthful there.... and sleeping in between.  I am thinking the appetite stimulant might not be a bad idea - maybe not twice a day but definitely once a day.

Yesterday I went to the drugstore and bought fiber pills for myself.  I finally remembered that when I left hospital on an almost "no fiber" diet they had told me to start introducing fiber again after 3 weeks.  I have not had much success with eating 24 grams of fiber a day - so a supplement seemed a good idea - one that had been recommended.  It is hard to eat 24 grams of fiber when there are so many foods I am still not able to tolerate.  Today I think I feel a wee bit better.  But honestly folks - every time I have had my pills changed or diet changed I do feel better for a few days - even a couple of weeks and then slide back down hill.

I'll just keep my fingers crossed .......... and count off the days to June 8th when I see the new specialist.

Besides the urge to write ........ I have this urge to do something exciting......I am not sure what....... but exciting...... every once in a while I am overwhelmed with the urge to be over the ottoman bare assed and having Warren flogging/cropping/whipping till I have no idea what day it is or where I am.  And then to be fucked silly and left in a gooey puddle to float away with my fairies (if my fairies remember where to find me - it has been sooooooooo long)

But the urge to write is slowing down........... and the house is still not cleaned.  And though I have no "urge" to clean house I will get off my ass and go do it........ keeping the final outcome clear in my mind so that it is easier to accomplish........... 

Bullies

One of my pet projects at work is bullies and how to defeat them.  I was bullied when I went to school and both my daughters were bullied.  It bothered me then .. it still bothers me now.

I believe that talking to bullies and telling them it isn't nice to bully is a total waste of time.  They KNOW it isn't nice.. for god's sakes !!!  They do it because it helps them feel powerful.  

I remember telling my youngest daughter (after a terrible incident with the class bully - and no response from the teacher) that the next time this child started something - anything - that my A should finish it!!!  She did - and the bullying stopped (with that child)

It is my firm belief that if bullies got a taste of it they would run crying for "mommy".  Not a popular view - let me tell you.

I was thinking all of that last evening.  And I realized (in my opinion) that these anonymous commenters who spew their high handed opinions are nothing more than bullies.

So I am giving them all fair warning....... you come here and start any cyber bullying - I am going to stand up to you........ and expose you for what you are.... a sniveling lil bully who hides behind the computer screen feeling superior.

DAMMIT

I hate anonymous commenters sneaks  - I really do.   They have all the answers don't they??? Know exactly what everyone else should do to be as perfect as they are.

The latest comment that has set me off on this tangent 
Anonymous said...

I get that a blog is a place to work out your stuff. But it seems like Warren is your partner again.

That's why it seemed a little less than kind to discuss your lack of sexual satisfaction on your blog prior to discussing it with him.

First - how do you know with such certainity that I have not discussed this with Warren??

Secondly - how do you know that Warren doesn't satisfy my sexual needs ??

You who claim to know me so well

You don't get that I am talking about something separate from sex in the bedroom.. something separate from a good fucking session... 

I AM TALKING ABOUT PLAY SESSIONS - IN PUBLIC!!!!


Before you open your mouth to spew forth your hurtful advise - please make sure you understand what it is I am saying.,


(I will now stop the rant and get down off my soap box)

ARGGGHHHHH

This is a short and sweet clarification on my blog entry on intimacy for everyone who thought I was intentionally, or not intentionally, trying to hurt Warren.  Or those who suggested I was not communicating in an appropriate manner.




This blog sometimes is nothing more than my working things out ....... I DO have orgasms from pain.. but it has been bugging me since the summer (where I was bottoming and NOT with Warren!!)  why the orgasms I had during a session wasn't enough, why I was left twitching.

Nothing more .. nothing less.

Intimacy

I looked up the meaning of intimacy and was actually surprised.  I assumed it meant something to do with sex... but actually it means a close personal relationship.

All I know is that I have been thinking how my masochistic self is slowly returning..... At the play party last weekend I managed to have 2 small orgasms from the pain. And I was happy.  And I think Warren was happy.

But days later I realized there was something missing - always has been - from having orgasms from pain.  

It is a bit like masturbating.  And I know this is gonna sound really dumb - but there is little contact with the other person.  Oh there is contact with whatever toy - flogger, whip, crop - that is being used........ but there isn't human closeness.  The feel of skin on skin.  The smell of the other person.  The soft touch of their hand.  

Also - and I am not sure I can explain this well....... there is an emptiness inside of me.  A twitching that just doesn't seem to go away.  I wonder sometimes where these orgasms from pain come from if not from within me.  Yet inside I feel cheated, I feel needy and that need grows as time goes on....... it doesn't dissipate even though I have had an orgasm or two.  It doesn't even dissipate if I masturbate using all the toys at hand.

I am left feeling empty and lonely - I miss the intimacy of sex I guess.  The growling - the moaning - all of the sounds and physical intimacies that go along with sex. 
  

Final Decision

To bring everyone up todate.. or refresh your memories,,,,,,,,,, I have an appointment with the specialist on June 8th.

Yesterday I saw my family doctor - again - to fill in the insurance papers - again.  I have  been flip flopping between going back to work on the 9th of June and not going back till September.  It is almost certain that after I see the specialist there will be at least one test... and then a possibility of more surgery (though that is not a given)  So I asked my family doc when she thought the test would be done - in June?? July??? 

She decided that the best thing is for me to stay off until at least the 22nd of June (she expects to have a report from the specialist by then) and then she said she would inform the insurance that I will not return to work until September.

So now I have to make an appointment with my principal and get my replacement to do all the stuff that should be done before June 24th (end of school) so that I don't go back in September to the mess that faced me this September.  Then......... well then I guess I start my summer break early.  

I guess that is a good thing....... if I could just get over feeling guilty about it......

Sex

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