F U

 

May I suggest if you aren't in the mood to read a Debbie Downer post that you skip today and come back when my mood improves.....

 

OK you've been warned............

 

I'm fed up - I am feeling so forgotten maybe even a little taken for granted.  It's the little things like .. when Sir Steve comes home from work - he plays with the dog - talks to his daughter and I get a kiss and a 'how was your day?' and then he picks up his phone and goes online till it's time for supper...... After supper he's back on his phone until we go inside to watch a movie.  

We have been in the country for 4 weeks now - during the week I don't talk to anyone except the 8 year old..... (there's no one else around) I am going stare crazy I think.  Is it too much to ask for some quality time with my Sir??!!   Any fun time / play time has to happen on the weekend the lil one is gone..... cause ya know during the week it never happens........ and I have no clue why?? I am starting to think (believe) that he doesn't find me sexy anymore - and the weekends are just to keep me from being too bitchy.  BUT 2 weekends a month?????  

I told him at the beginning that unlike his other women/wives I do not want THINGS from him.... what I want/need is HIM - time with him - attention. It's not happening and I am feeling down........ so down that once again my eating problems are raising their ugly heads.  I can't eat - the food just won't go down.  I have little or no control over it... right now I am eating less than the little one........ it's starting to be a problem.... and don't tell me to eat - it won't go down !!  and I mean WON'T!!  I try to swallow and land up gagging..... so I spit it quietly into my napkin and give up.

Last night when Sir Steve came home he did the play with the dog - hug his daughter - and I got my kiss ..... then he picked up his phone and called his step mom.  Yes Yes I know - she's grieving and there's paper work to handle and things to discuss and Yes Yes I know they have a bond I cannot share - BUT couldn't it wait until after dinner??!!!  I called him on it... pointed out his daughter was waiting to show him what she had done at S's summer camp (yeah I am a sucker for punishment - home schooled her for a year and a half and now because there's no camps I am trying to keep her busy with arts and crafts and games all day) and how I  don't get to talk to an adult all day long and look forward to adult company in the evening..... he said all the right things - but ya know what??? We've been here before... and he always promises to fix it (and he does - briefly) but then we go back to old ways until I boil over again.  and no I don't yell I just tear up - cause it feels useless..........

The weather doesn't help - Covid doesn't help...... hell we went 3 weeks with no cases ZERO ... NADA,...and in two days we have 3 active cases!!!! Rib fest is this weekend - we were gonna go with eldest daughter and SIL - gonna eat there (cause it's outside and we can find a spot in the park away from others) I was so looking forward to it.... nervous a little but still a little excited too .......... and now they are forecasting cloudy cool weather with showers.  Honestly I just feel like giving up.

Dramatic

 

 

Ok - so I need to vent........ you can skip today I won't mind.. .BUT I really need to get this out before I burst!!

Apparently the lil one's mother was tooooooo sick to take care of her this weekend - so mother stayed in town and the lil one went with the grandparents to the campsite.  What did mother have?? fever ?? vomiting?? some exotic disease?? 

NOPE

she had her period.

REALLY??!!  her period??!!!  

GOD - I went through cancer treatments and only missed one day of work !!!  I had what 30+ years of periods and never missed a day of work or needed someone to take  care of my children......... GAH!!!!

So Sir Steve just sent her a message and said from now on - let us know when she's too sick to take care of her daughter and we'll keep her.  

AND this woman wants her full time at best OR one week on one week off??? really??!!  

I think my head may explode

Let's Clear the Air shall we?

 

 

Last week I dumped all my pent up emotions in The Explosion.... some people took it very wrong and blamed Sir Steve... tried to fix my problems maybe?? tried to offer advise/comfort/empathy maybe?

I felt uncomfortable -- and it's been nagging at me ever since....... 

I need to clear the air......... 

Roz - dear Roz - got it!  she said between the usual stresses I was also dealing with the pain ... AND she recognised that I had posted what a good weekend we had actually had - how the venting had helped. 

When I vent or rant....... it is basically a 'moment in time' ... and is most definitely only MY side of the story.  (let's remember here - this is MY blog and it's perfectly ok to only write my side )  

What you don't see .........

Sir Steve comes home from work and....
basically takes over..
He and the lil one clean up after dinner
He puts the lil one to bed and reads with her every single night
He is more than willing to work from home so I can go to appointments
He offers to do the groceries
He is always telling me to not over do it
He treats me to Tim Horton's french vanilla and a donut every friday
From time to time he will come home with flowers to brighten up the house

He will order in dinner on the weekends

AND you don't see .......
how I do NOT ask for help
how I take over situations
how I give the impression 'I got this!' even when I don't
how I believe I have to be perfect

Please understand - we are both doing the best we can under less than ideal circumstances...... and sometimes I just vent....... at home and on here....

BUT interesting enough - the fall out from that blog made me realize I have the tools to make my/our life better...... last Friday morning Sir Steve suggested I leave the groceries till Saturday and he would come with me........ my knee jerk reaction was "NO it's MY job" but Saturday morning I asked if he would come with me.......... OMG groceries went so smoothly....... and I didn't feel guilty about sharing the shopping with him

So one small step towards working together .. one GIANT step towards admitting I can not do everything..........

Life is good when you realize you really aren't alone in this battle..........

Explosion

 

The long weekend finished off on a good note - I did nothing - absolutely nothing all weekend - didn't even make a meal -- remember all that chinese food?? well it fed us till Monday night!!!

BUT
it didn't start off well........ After the lil one left for her mother's on Friday I went to get groceries - and was feeling really bitchy about it .......... 

When Sir Steve got home I was in A mood.  I'm not sure what happened - what was said - but suddenly all those emotions I have kept pretty much bottled up inside just spilled out and over.

- does anyone realize how much I needed March break in MARCH not f*cking April!

- I'm exhausted from feeling like I am carrying the whole f*cking family on my shoulders

- HE gets to go out every single day and see other people - talk to other people 

- the lil one gets to go to her mother's every single weekend - see other people - get out of the house

 and in the midst of all these emotions spilling over - I did manage to say that I knew there was nothing anyone could do...... it is what it is......... BUT everyone needs to understand I am exhausted

- is the MOTHER inconvenienced even a little bit for HER daughter

- that I am tired of the pain in my bum - in my leg - down my back - the headaches

- that I am tired of feeling responsible for the lil one's school work - for her health ... cause her weight is slowly creeping up - mostly after she's been with her mother - but since the summer she has put on 10 pounds which is NOT good when we're fighting diabetes BUT it feels like I'm the only one who cares/worries about it

- I can't make any appointments for myself without thinking about schedules - for him for the lil one - and it's just easier to not try and make any appointments

- I can't even get my hair cut when *I* want - it has to be late on Friday cause of the lil one 

- does anyone even try to understand how much my life has changed??!!! does anyone even CARE???!!

- I'm too old for this sh*t

and through all this spillage I was ugly crying 

and then................ well it just stopped - the ranting the crying and the headache was gone too.... and I told Sir Steve I loved him very much - cause ya know I wouldn't be going through this if I didn't!  and reinforced that I knew there was nothing anyone could do...... I just need to vent occasionally . 

Step Mother Rant

 

I lost it this morning...... totally lost it.  I know I am OCD and like everything in it's place... but I am able - for the most part - to overlook messiness of my family ... 

FOR THE MOST PART

This morning I went into the lil one's room to change her bed..... we store her linens in a storage box in her cupboard... (she has a HUGE cupboard).  I opened her cupboard door and 'stuff' fell out!!  I couldn't even get into the damn cupboard!!!

Then I went to strip her bed....... OMG....... the headboard (which is shelving) was crammed with stuffies and jewellery (she has 2 - TWO - jewellery boxes!!) but opted to throw her good jewellery on the shelves.

I lost it.  I'm not proud of losing it.......... but ya know sometimes it feels as though it's a 'let's test S's patience and see what it takes to make her blow'   

I don't think I ask for much from anyone....... I keep the house clean and tidy.. I just ask that everyone pick up their 'stuff' and put it away.......... NOT throw it in a cupboard and shut the door.  

AND the stuffies all over her headboard??!!!  GAH!!!  

Her father lies on that bed - every single night - reading bedtime stories with her..... he didn't see the mess - the accumulation of stuffies spilling over??!!! 

I just feel defeated right now.........

A Rant

We had an Amber Alert go off on our phones at 3 this morning..... and some time later to say the children had been found.

Today I am reading on Facebook all these heartless people going on about how their sleep was disturbed because of the Amber Alert -- 'how dare they!' sort of posts .... and some even saying how the alert should only be sent out to police departments.

I can't believe it!!  What is wrong with people these days??!!!  If one of my children ever went missing I would want the world woken up and looking - ya know??!!!  These people either have no children or are cold hearted SOB's. (basically I am thinking the second as I know one of the whiners)

IF you don't want your precious sleep disturbed why are you sleeping with your phone???!!!  Or why not find out if you have a 'do not disturb' setting AND use it !!! 

It makes me so sad to see what little empathy people have.......

Life can be so sad some days....... 

The Truth of the Matter

After my post Fully Aware ......... I had a comment from someone who wanted to know how I would handle my "infamous Anonymous" poster.   

Interestingly enough it was posted by an anonymous commenter......  not to be paranoid or anything ...... BUT........... I'm honestly not sure it wasn't the original poster.. (no way of telling really when one posts anonymous)

I have had nasty commenters before on here -- mostly connected to my old dom ..... and the only way to handle them -- really -- is to ignore them..... which is why I put moderation on.  This way their sick comments can't be seen ... they can't get a reaction from anyone.... and I don't have a knee jerk reaction to answer them.  (when they come in -- I simply hit 'delete forever'...... and POOF it's gone)

BUT for the record... 

I was accused of being childish -- and mean to my stalker (awwwww my heart bleeds)

Anonymous told me if they were Sir Steve they would have kicked my ass to the curb for posting about his child! NEWS FLASH -- I don't post anything - ANYTHING - about Sir Steve's family without his permission -- and when it involves pictures I always make sure her face isn't fully visible and again he ok's it.  

I was told they could trace me from here to my facebook page and I call bullshit.

Actually I call bullshit on all of it.

And moderation stays ...... 

No Apology

I will not apologize for yesterday's blog.  I have always said this is my blog -- where I write out my fears ... my hopes... my dreams.  

I understand some..... most??... of you may not agree with me..... that's ok! You have that right -- the same way as I have the right to feel the way I feel.  I do not write fantasies .... I do not just write the 'good stuff'.... I write about my life ..... and sometimes it's dark and sad and sometimes it's the best place to be..... most of the time it's a combination of both.

I do take exception to being told I sound ungrateful.  Really???  Ungrateful for what??  You can not read bits and pieces of my life here and think you really truly know me!  AND to make those accusations behind the mask of "anonymity"  (shaking head).  Unlike a few women I have known -- I support myself ..... I do not look to a man to complete me.  I do not collect men.  I do not NEED a man.  You can take your 'ungrateful' comment
 and ................................. 

WTF!!! (small rant)

(and because some people get bent out of shape over stuff I write -- this is MY opinion and only my opinion!  You don't have to agree with me)
 

I have been back on Fetlife these past couple of days -- because another sub and I are arranging a lunch date on Monday.

Today when I popped on I saw a post by someone I know (who for the record is a male submissive) ...... about how 'male' submissives should be "paying" the Dominant they play with........ 

Pay you ask??!!  yup P A Y !!  with service -- like cutting her lawn or shoveling her snow or fixing a leaky faucet........ AND it should be done before any play ensues because the sub will never actually pay the service once played with.

W T F !!??

I HATE double standards -- and this reeks of double standards.

Not 5 years ago I witnessed the 'black balling' of a male Dominant for demanding 'payment' for play.  He was figuratively tarred and feathered and dragged around the community for all to see and go TSK TSK

I went tsk tsk too -- because ya know -- play is play !!  It shouldn't require any sort of payment ........ that makes it a Pro Dom situation no???

One of the reasons I have left Fetlife and the public community is because so many poor lil female subs are crying "rape" or "non-consensual" play -- and pointing fingers at Doms and everyone gets bent of shape because some poor helpless female just got taken advantage of............... makes my blood boil!!  BUT it is ok for a female Domme to demand service before play??!!!!


When I played with Doms at parties (other than my Dom) I did offer service before and after - service equaled fetching them drinks or snacks ....nothing more nothing less.  AND I never played with any Dom who expected payment.   After all don't they get enjoyment out of playing?? mutual enjoyment should be reward enough no??? 

IF I give you a gift -- I do not expect a gift in return -- a 'thank you' is nice -- but a gift? NO..... I gave the gift because of the pleasure it gave me to do something nice..... and to see the pleasure on your face.

This journal entry this morning on Fetlife just proves to me -- once again -- why I have no patience with Fetlife -- or patience with the new mentality of the BDSM players.



(rant over -- putting away my soap box)


 

Not Available

Last weekend when Sir Steve picked up the lil one and was leaving -- the mother said "I can't have her next weekend I am busy"..... and shut the door.  In just over 2 weeks the mother will be taking her 3rd holiday since May and be gone for 2 1/2 weeks.  

It pisses me off -- for a lot of reasons.  AND it is teaching me about being a step parent and how little control I have -- tough lesson for this old bird to learn.

BUT I do wonder what it teaches the lil one.  She apparently told a parent at the bus stop yesterday that she wasn't going to see 'mommy' this weekend -- she was gonna have fun with Daddy and (insert my name here) and the animals.  I am (honestly I AM) glad she accepts these change of weekend plans without a blip.  It says a lot about Sir Steve's going with the flow -- and hiding his true feelings from the lil one.  

I went looking for meme about dead beat moms -- do you know there are hardly any??!!  one or two only compared to pages and pages of memes about dead beat dads..... someone should fix that!!  Some dads are f**king amazing -- stepping up to the plate all the time -- every time -- and in my opinion they don't get enough credit.

AND ya know what else bugs me.......... even if the court comes through with the final order of full custody for Sir Steve and weekends / holidays for mom -- nothing will change. This selfish - self centered - egotistical bitch will still decide when / if she is taking the lil one.  Our life will still be controlled by her whims.

This is truly a new learning curve for me............

Pissy Mood

(side note before I start -- the above meme made me smile -- cause last week I was reaching for my morning pills -- wasn't paying attention -- and landed up taking my sleeping pills -- it was a lazy assed day believe me!!)

There have been a few things rumbling around in the back of my head -- irritating things... like finger nails down a blackboard.  Ignore them (or try to) and they become a whole lot more irritating....... to the point of imploding.

So to avoid imploding -- I am gonna rant away here...... and hope I can reduce the imminent threat of implosion.

So ---- two weeks ago we went to court over custody of the lil one.  At the time Sir Steve put in a request with the courts that the 'mother' finally move all her crap out of his house.  (30+boxes and large pieces of furniture) The court granted her 10 days to get a storage unit (or whatever!) and move it out.  The other night Sir Steve was asking her about this weekend on Facebook and asked when she would be moving her crap out (not his words mine) AND she said "ohhhhhhhh maybe mid October"..... 
M A Y B E mid October???!!!   This woman doesn't think she has to abide by a court order -- she thinks the whole f'ing world has to cater to her schedules -- her needs - her desires.

WELL the truth of the matter is I am sick to death of squeezing past 30+ boxes in the hallway -- and moving an empty china cabinet every time I want to plug the vacuum in.  I am tired of cleaning and tidying the house and the only thing anyone really sees is M E S S !!  I am SO done!!  AND Sir Steve would like to have Thanksgiving here (which is in two weeks!!)  and I am realizing I can not -- WILL NOT -- entertain a house full of guests and some weekend visitors -- in THIS MESS!

AND while I am on the topic of court orders and the ex's ......... it is clearly stipulated in the temporary agreement -- that the transporting of the lil one to and from the mother's residence is to be shared.  BUT Sir Steve has been driving and picking up every weekend -- EVERY WEEKEND! - for a year and a half.  Mostly I haven't cared -- his problem right?  Yeah well this week Sir Steve and I joined a gym.  It has been 5 months since I set foot in a gym and my weight and body shape shows it -- and I hate IT!  He and I agreed that we'd go together after he finishes work - Mon and Tuesday and Thursday and Friday.  I pointed out to him that we couldn't do the gym together on Friday cause he has to drive the lil one.  His answer was we could go to the gym on Saturday.  

I stewed -- and fussed -- and nearly imploded.  WHY do I have to change my gym routine because SHE won't follow the court order?? WHY can't she pick up on Fridays and let us go to the gym??!!! 

On an entirely different aggravation -- W (my ex 'dom' - for those who may not know) has been posting on FB -- again -- about his great desire to be in the RCMP.  I have mostly ignored his ramblings (much like I ignored his ramblings about suicide as simply attention seeking behaviours) BUT now he has posted a pic of himself -- his profile pic I might add -- in the RCMP red flannel.  He is not an RCMP officer.  Hell he hasn't even been to basic training (though he's going on and on about going -- and making such a nonsense about it to garner attention ) 

At first when I saw the pic -- it looks very official -- I thought 'hell he's actually done it!!  he has actually passed boot camp - the physicals -- the pysch evaluations - and is a member of the RCMP!!"  BUT there was something about the pic that looked too familiar.  It rolled around and around in my head until I realized what it was........ the background is the cupboard doors in the master bedroom of his house -- and it's a selfie for god's sakes!!  Oh and all his friends and supporters are fluttering around getting all excited.  What I want to know is - isn't it against the law to impersonate a police officer -- never mind an RCMP officer!!??  

For 4 years I lived a pretty solitary life in my lil apartment -- and managed to keep people more or less out of my life.  I didn't read the news headlines -- I didn't use facebook much -- a hermit -- that's it I was almost a hermit.  AND my life was so much calmer then -- I kept pretty high walls around me -- it was safe  and no one aggravated me very much............. now?? not so much.  

I am thinking I need a whole new set of 'happy pills' ....... and I need to get to the gym (today's my day alone at the gym) and work off this pissy mood.

Petulant

(warning -- I'm pissy and petulant and grumpy and testy and a whole bunch of other emotions -- read at own risk)


We are living at the campgrounds right now... despite miserable summer weather -- not much heat -- less sun -- and bugs (I look like I have chicken pox despite the DEET I liberally apply)

Yesterday I had the lil one for 11 hours alone.  That in it's self didn't bug me...... I had activities to do with her ............. 

One of the activities I set up were brightly coloured pylons on the road and had her and her best friend riding their bikes through and around them.  It helps develop control and confidence and cognitive skills.

We were all laughing and having fun.  

THEN mother shows up out of her trailer -- steps into the middle of the road with her video camera -- talks to the lil one -- distracts her and the lil one turns her bike too sharp and takes a spill.

THEN mother who does NOTHING with the child when she has her -- posts the video to facebook not giving me any credit for setting this up -- for challenging HER child -- for making life fun for HER child.  She left it looking as though this was her doing!!

I am fucking tired of this type of behaviour..... any pictures I post on FB of the child -- they suck it up and post it on their walls with no credit (for the photography or the activity) given to me!!!  I have now taken to watermarking all my pics with my name!  

I didn't sleep last night I was so pissed -- so totally pissed.  I wish the thoughts in my head could come out my mouth -- but they won't -- cause I am not like that.  Oh I can think of a thousand different mean nasty things to say to this woman but I just can't do it.... NO what I do is stomp all my feelings down inside me -- and slip away from everyone and cry -- have nightmares all night long -- have knots in my stomach..... but I can't tell her to fuck off.

She decides when it is convenient for her to take the lil one -- she decides she NEEDS a fucking holiday and packs up and goes leaving the lil one with us....... with me basically -- I am not a FUCKING NANNY!!  and if I was I would damn well expect to be paid well for the work / time I spend with the lil one.
 '
I thought fuck this shit -- I'll stop entertaining/teaching the lil one -- I'll leave her to her own devices like everyone else seems to do........... 


Yeah except 

I can't do that.  This lil one didn't ask for any of this shit that is going on around her... she doesn't deserve to be penalized.

It does seem I have found another of my kids who needs me -- and I have never walked away from one of "my" kids before ..... I know I won't be able to do it now.

I am feeling petulant and nasty ......... and that is NOT a good thing!

 

Just a Joke -- come on !!

The very first gift my grandson opened on Saturday was an onion.  Yes you read that right an onion..... a real live onion.

The look on my grandson's face made me feel sick to my stomach.  The folks involved in this private joke were laughing........he looked from one to another trying to figure out what was funny.

It was explained to him it was just a joke and he kinda smiled and handed his mother the onion.  Then we went on to opening the other gifts.

As is my custom -- I posted the pictures on facebook for family and friends.  I didn't notice that the onion picture was included.  A friend questioned the onion and I made a snarky comment about it being an onion....... the other grandmother got all bent out of shape and commented saying it was just a joke!!!!!  

There must be something really wrong with my sense of humor - ya know...... 'cause when it is an in-joke and the target of the joke looks uncomfortable I see that as a form of bullying.  AND when it is trusted adults in the child's life doing this ....... it just makes me sick.

Maybe I should wrap up a couple of Christmas presents all glittery and nice -- and just plunk some coal inside....... wonder if they would find that funny?!

(ok stepping down and putting my soap box away) 

Knife Dreams

I had a dream the other night -- someone I used to care for deeply was swinging two swords at me -- slicing me -- but like with any dream there was no blood and no damage -- just two very shiny swords slicing at my body ........ and my shock that they would do this to me.

Now I will be the first to admit -- that this is based entirely on MY feelings and may have no base in reality ........... 

I read something the other day that seemed to poke fun at D/s relationships....... written by two people that were supposed to be 'friends' -- 'friends' who are supposed to be involved in the lifestyle -- and supposed to be tolerant of other's choices -- right?? Well in MY WORLD we are all tolerant of choices others make....... but that's me and my rose coloured glasses.  

I did stew over it (Ok ok probably still stewing about it cause I am writing about it here) and bad things jumped into my head -- like how "kinky sex" is not BDSM - swingers are not BDSM - that finding a way to cheat on your spouse with a fancy title like "open relationship" or "polyamorous" is NOT BDSM.  

BUT -- as much as I thought the thoughts -- I realized I was putting myself on their level and I do NOT do that (usually -- well only temporarily) IF they find some sort of satisfaction from making vague blanket statements -- IF they find some sort of satisfaction from acting like high school kids giggling in the corner -- IF they find some sort of satisfaction from being passive/aggressive -- then so be it.

I do not need to take mean spirited comments so much to heart .......
I do not need to let small minded people colour my joy.......
I do not need to feed into their childishness
 (easy to say -- not always so easy to do)

I will continue to find my way down this road of submission again -- with joy -- and try and shut out the people who lurk in my dreams with swords to cut me down..... 

OH and for anyone reading this and wondering if I am talking about YOU........ 

 

Misunderstandings

What did you see in the picture above - a duck??? a rabbit?? something else?? 




Misunderstandings are a bit like the picture -- everyone sees something different - interprets words / phrases/feelings differently.   

And misunderstandings can start small -- with different interpretations for a word - flirt becomes stalker - stalker becomes predator ...... feelings that were slightly bruised can spiral totally out of control.  Then more words are said -- more feelings are hurt -- and it starts to all spiral out of control.

And usually when I think that things have blown over - cause they should have -- they haven't and they bubble up again..........and I am left feeling confused and hurt and feeling just a tad insane .... cause I don't know what anyone is talking about any more.... and I land up feeling at odds with everyone.  

Mostly - MOSTLY - I have been caught in the middle of a misunderstanding.. 
I say mostly because at the very beginning I did have an opinion - and in my usual brush it off attitude -- I kinda made a joke (ok a bad one I admit it ) but then I figured just let it go -- it's really not about YOU.  BUT it did involve two friends -- and I did get caught in the middle.  

Have I told you I don't like being in the middle -- and I most definitely do NOT like having to pick sides.  

AND I do NOT air dirty laundry in public...... EVER........ I believe in private conversation -- rational conversation -- diplomatic conversation -- cause I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  

But people's feelings did get hurt -- and yeah some of it was my doing.  People don't believe I was loyal to this party -- or that I didn't say a, b, or c to that person - I feel like people are watching every twitch I make and interpreting it to mean something much more than it means.  (I itch I twitch - sometimes it's as simple as that)

Last night was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I felt like I was being accused of saying something someone else said.  It was suggested to me that everyone have a big sit down discussion - ohhhhhh a whole lot of things were suggested.

AND I said NO
I am DONE
It's over for me

Because at some point trying to convince people that it is a rabbit when they see a duck is impossible.

And the one thing I DID realize -- I can not change anyone's opinion of me -- I am a duck I am a rabbit -- I am wrong.  BUT what I can do - I can shut the computer off... I can shut all the noise out ... I can remember my grandmother's words -- the truth will come out eventually - you may not be there to see it happen -- but the truth always wins out.

And my last word - very last word on this whole thing is............. 

Isolation

I think I was lucky growing up - and as an adult - in that I was always considered one of the "cool" kids.  People just seemed to like me.  When I thought about it I never really understood why.... and to be truthful I never thought about it much.

I went to a munch last night.  I have always had a really good time - moving around talking to folks - socializing.  

BUT there has been some discussion recently on FL about newbies being worried about going to their first munch - feeling shy - and insecure.  I made a knee jerk comment to one post about everyone having been a newbie at one time or another .... and you have to take that first step.

Add to that some drama that is brewing over munches and preconceived  wrongs ........ and it all just started to grate on me.

When I go to the munches - I always sit with the "cool kids" - yeah I move around but was I really making a difference for someone new??? or for the ones that aren't one of the "cool kids"?? 

When I got to the munch last evening - everyone just started to group as they always do - cool kids in the middle and everyone else spread out from there.  I made a decision.  I was not going to sit with the "cool kids" this time  -- I was gonna move down the table and leave space between myself and the "cool kids" ........ and some things were said - teasing they would call it -- but it hurt me.  Is this what we do to people??!!!  IF you aren't part of the 'in crowd" you get ignored?? 

Well I spent the evening firmly living on the other side of "cool" .... it was a very uncomfortable place to be.  There was lots of laughter and talking going on at the other end of the table - and honestly I felt isolated.   Yes that is how I felt - it was not intended I am sure.. and if I had wanted I could have moved down the table and joined the conversation............ BUT that wasn't the point to my lil spur of the moment experiment.

It was probably the worst munch I have ever attended.  So much so - that I had been on the fence about cutting back on the munches I attend - and last night made up my mind for me.  Munches are NOT fun unless you are one of the "cool kids".  Munches can make you feel isolated and excluded.  And I can no longer be part of that mentality.

Feeling Peevish

Actually I don't have a lot of pet peeves (though maybe if I thought about it for awhile I would find I have more than I thought!)

BUT one thing that really REALLY irks me is - when someone asks for help - needs a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen and they take advantage.

I had something like that happen yesterday.

I had just gotten home from the gym... was thinking about my 'date' in the afternoon ... and got this message from a "newbie" saying 'are you around'.  Now truthfully I still haven't made up my mind about this woman.... BUT I honestly and truly believe in 'paying it forward' so when she has questions about BDSM I try to answer them honestly.  When she is struggling with something again I try to make myself available to help her work it through.

BUT 

sometimes I feel she takes advantage.

Like yesterday morning

She gets going about 'being on the edge and needs me to talk to her off' .... (and yeah I am stupid like that I drop everything to be there for her - for anyone that tells me that) 

I write to her and tell her I am available - and we get talking - but before she gets to what happened - POOF - she just stops writing........... and me being the fool I am ... I sit and wait and wait for her to respond.

Finally she comes back - on and off - and I get so damn frustrated - I have things to do - but don't want to ignore her - this time it was a pretty serious problem

You know "mentoring" newbies is frustrating at the best of times - but sometimes !!!  it makes me want to rethink my promise to "pay it forward" 

Sometimes newbies need to learn the hard way............. 


ok small rant done - putting away my soapbox

Teaching

As many of you already know - I spent my career teaching.  It took a lot of degrees and diplomas and hard work to get there...... and I like to think that I was a pretty good teacher (all things considered).

And as many of you already know - I turned in my  teacher's hat 3 years ago and this past year took on a new adventure/career in web design........... very junior to say the least - with no formal training.  (unless you count the week in Ottawa with eldest daughter and some on going tutorials since)

Not everyone can be a teacher........ despite how many folks think it is an easy 10 month of the year job.  It takes a lot of hard work/ planning/and people skills to be able to get your point/lesson across.

All that to come to the point of this morning's entry..............

Yesterday the boss of the company I work for asked me to do her a favour.  They had a project that was due "like yesterday" (which seems to be the way they work - pressure pressure pressure)

I said sure give it to me.............  then she says " well it's a little bit different from what you have been doing" and proceeds (via the miracle of skype and the internet) to show me her working screen.  I saw a slide - something I am familiar with.  Then she whips up another screen that looks like an excel file with text in it.  She proceeds to tell me that even though this is  NOT the project I will be doing - that this is how it works.  And she starts clicking highlighting copying and pasting - so fast I  have no idea what / where/ how.  

I assumed I would be making slides - that's all I have ever done.  NO.... she wanted me to make a text file.  Ok that's not difficult - IF you tell me first what I am gonna be doing...

On the one hand I had slides that were about hazardous materials - the excel text files were about latex and she seemed to be copying and pasting willy nilly hazardous materials into latex.  Are you confused yet?? I sure as hell was.

Finally I got the idea.. the latex page was just a template!!  The hazardous slides were what she needed transformed into straight text.  My mind is wondering where the original text files went and why they weren't just using them... shrug.. mine is not to reason why and all that.

After maybe 20 minutes of a lot of cut and paste - wham bang thank you Ma'am" style she left me on my own.

10 minutes later she is back to me - ooooooops - she made a mistake the file I am working on is not the file she needed "yesterday" would I mind switching to another  file and do that one first.

I did.

About two thirds of the way through - I message her and say "it refuses to save" She doesn't answer - so I keep going.  Finally when I am done - I message again.  This time she says "just save it open text document"  I do and  upload it to her.  

And start working on the next project. I notice in this one that the fonts are all different when I paste them.  I figure out "select all " and change everything to one font and one size and then lo and behold it saves!!!  Now I know what was wrong with the first project.  At this point the boss messages me "I can't open the file"  I try... no success - and trust me I tried everything - used every little trick I have learned about documents.. and nothing:(
She tells ME to see if I can figure it out a solution.

I spend an hour or so........... when she says "it's ok I just redid it" 

GRRRRRRRRRR

She is not a teacher not even close.  I would love to know WHO set up her templates for her.  When I asked if it was excel - cause it looked like excel - she said no just a word document with boxes......... le sigh

There are days I honestly wonder if I am cut out for this job....even though - when left to my own devices with projects I have been taught to do (properly!) and figured out the few glitches on my own (trial and error style) I love it!!!  

It would be a little bit better if I got paid for all the hours that I wasted yesterday - but I only get paid for completed projects...........not mistakes someone else has to redo :(

 

Toughen Up

You know it was once said - about me - that I am soft and sweet - BUT - push me too far and then you will see a side of me you never want to see!  

I know I have this spiteful side - I work very very hard to keep it in check - not to let it explode out of me cause dear god - I HATE that side of me........... 

BUT........ 

I have spent the last few months feeling sick to my stomach - feeling as though everything was my fault - trying so damn hard to smooth ruffled feathers and hurt feelings - blaming myself.

BUT ........

I have had it 

Honestly had it - done!
I was told I was released on Fetlife - by a click of a button
I was told he was sorry on my blog - on Fetlife - on Facebook
Everything that was private and important I have been told on the net!  Not one word to my face.  

Today I read the "straw that broke the camel's back"
On Fetlife he wrote this:

Sir I am presently knot an active Sir, so I shouldn't be called that.. That title is reserved to the one who earns it.... about 8 hours ago

I know that was directed at me.  Despite my best efforts NOT to call him Sir I still slip from time to time... hell that is all I have called him for 15 years... I am supposed to stop immediately and call him W.  which I don't think I ever called him - even in the very beginning.

I have avoided calling him anything - as much as possible - but I will admit every once in a while a Sir will slip out...
Now I have been informed in front of the world (so to speak) that I have not earned the right to call him that........ EARNED THE RIGHT??!!  ME??!!!

I think he has it all backwards now.. seems to me HE has to earn that right - to have anyone call him SIR he has to act like one 

There are a whole lot of names I could call him....... but I have refrained.... and in case you are getting all excited cause maybe - just maybe - there will be a flame war started here - forget it !  I don't DO name calling.  I am just saying .......... there are a whole lot of names I COULD call him... 

So ..here's the warning.... I have gone from being this beaten up /broken lil subbie (and yeah you can call me subbie - submissive - slave - whatever the hell you want to cause I honestly believe in my heart of hearts that I AM SUBMISSIVE !) to a stand tall and proud speak her mind and damn the consequences submissive.  

I will repeat the picture from above just to make sure we are all on the same page.......

Small Rant

Ok this is just a small rant - 

I go to the Y 3x a week to exercise and do yoga.  I wasn't too sure how long I would stick at it - but it turns out I sorta/kinda enjoy my time at the gym.  It was easy to go in the fall - get dressed in my gym clothes - jump in the car and go.  I wondered how long the enthusiasm would last when going to the gym meant getting dressed in winter clothes, cleaning off the car, plowing through snowy streets.

Yesterday I went to the gym ..... and as it was yoga day - decided I didn't need to go to the locker room.  I planned on hanging my coat up at the front door in the cloak room.  There weren't enough clothes hangers.  So I left a polite little comment card suggesting they might want to add extra hangers now the bad weather was here.

This morning I got a call from the Y.  Some stern lady pointed out to me that I should be using the lockers.  HUH??? I politely pointed out I didn't need a locker on yoga day AND didn't feel comfortable walking through the building in snowy boots to get to the locker room.  It made more sense to me to hang all outside clothing/boots etc at the front door.

She said they were going to pull out the cloak room and to get used to using the locker room.  I pointed out - again politely - cause truthfully I couldn't believe she wasn't seeing my point - that there were only 1/2 lockers in the locker room ... so if I was lucky enough to be able to squish everything into one of these lockers - it would mean that my big winter coat, winter boots, street clothing and gym bag would all be squished into one locker - everything getting wet.

She didn't budge... just said "use the locker rooms".......

I keep thinking it is a good thing that I am not THAT senior - not in the least bit handicapped.......... cause slipping and sliding over wet tile floors is not my idea of a welcoming/accommodating gym. 

Some days I just don't get it....... ya know?