Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Under one roof



Well we are all under one roof........ 

Miss Ashes is not exactly thrilled with the idea -- but after being mostly alone for 2 weeks and then being forced to tolerate a 2 hour car trip -- living under the same roof with the 'monster' (better known as Lady the black Lab) isn't SO bad!  (Wait till she finds out she's moving to yet another house in a couple of days!!)

It was another long day for me -- drive into Kingston -- pack up the last few things -- pack up Miss Ashes things -- load up the car and head back to Sir Steve.

The first few hours Miss Ashes' spent under our bed .... but she eventually snuck out -- ate a little bit -- and then with some firm coaxing joined me on the sofa.




Life is good -- we're all under one roof!

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

2 Days and counting........






I swear my brain is gonna explode!  I am down to 2 days before my official moving date.  I spent all day yesterday running around getting the cable/internet ordered for installation in the new place -- buying a new dining/kitchen set --  changing my address on my health card and driver's license -- changing my address at all the important places like the bank and the governments........ Then realized I had left my information -- all of it! -- for my insurances in Kingston. 

BUT no major worries on the insurance -- the papers aren't packed -- and I am heading back to Kingston today to pick up Ashes.  She will move in with Sir Steve and the dog and the lil one till Thursday.  Hopefully we will ALL survive one more addition to the family.

My blogs may be short and sweet and maybe even scarce for a bit -- but as soon as I am settled -- I'll be back with my usual long rambling blog entries.  I promise!

Monday, May 29, 2017

Rose Coloured Glasses






Over the years I have been 'accused' more than once of wearing rose coloured glasses.  My staff used to tease me and say "in morningstar's world......."  and yes I guess I do tend to try and see the bright side of things -- find the good in people.... but honestly is there anything wrong with that?

No

Except when you come face to face with reality.

I have been ignoring the bad manners (extremely bad manners) of Sir Steve's ex-mother in law at the camp site.  I have shrugged it off or simply 'disappeared' when she would storm onto our site with some demand or other.

BUT yesterday -- shaking head -- it truly got out of hand.  The lil one had lost a special elastic.  I asked her if she had left at "mommy's trailer'.  Simple question right?  Sir Steve suggested she go check ........ 

Not 5 minutes later ex-mother in law came storming -- and I do mean storming -- onto our site saying they had looked for the elastic ALL DAY! and bitching about expecting a 4 year old to keep track of things.

I spoke up -- after all it had been my suggestion she might have left it behind -- this woman (and trust me when I say I am being VERY polite here cause other names jump to mind) totally and completely ignored me -- as if I didn't exist.  It threw me -- threw me big time.

Afterwards I knew what I should have done -- I should have stepped between her and Sir Steve and made her acknowledge me -- and listen to what I was trying to say.  BUT of course -- it was only after she had stormed off -- and my heart was pounding so loudly and hard I thought it would jump  out of my chest that I thought of challenging her.

I have never ever met someone so totally rude.  She refuses to acknowledge my existence even when I am standing right in front of her.  I have no experience with that sort of behaviour... none - zero - nada.   

In my world - through the rose coloured glasses -- every human being is at the very least civil to one another.  I am totally at a loss as to how to deal with someone like her............. 

Friday, May 26, 2017

Play Time

Sir Steve loves knives (one more thing we have in common) and collects them.  A while back I saw a set of knives that caught my eye.  They made me think of dragons -- another passion of Sir Steve's.  So I purchased them........  

I say them because as much as the above picture looks like one knife -- they are actually two -- one fits inside the other in the leather sheaf.

Apart they look like this............. 




Sir Steve has had those knives sitting on his bedside table since I gave them to him.  I will admit to lusting over them -- wanting to feel the cold steel against my skin.  But I never brought it up with him... 'cause he has to want to do knife play for me to really enjoy it.  I want to feed off his desire to mark my body -- off his desire to slide the blade up and down my body -- off his desire to play.

The other night we were joking around after going to bed.... and one thing lead to another -- and the next thing I knew the larger of the two knives was pressed against my skin.... sliding up and down my back -- over my ass -- down my legs.  His strong hand hot against my skin as he held my leg still -- or when he pressed my ass into the bed.... not a word was spoken -- I could hear his breathing -- hear my soft moans... feel the heat building in my body......

The big knife was amazingly and sharp and pricky....... but when Sir Steve switched to the small one I nearly jumped.  It had a much lighter touch -- but ohhhhhhh so sharp!  And it slid so easily between my legs -- playing in my jewelry - sliding ever so carefully between my legs -- his hand holding me open -- exposing my delicate bits to the kiss of the blade. 

In the old days people would comment on how sensual our knife play was -- but the other night we took sensual to a whole new level........ and it was beautiful.

Play time with Sir Steve was always good before -- and is only getting better now there are no rules....... and that my dear friends is a very good thing!

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Waiting.........






These last couple of months I have felt like I have been holding my breath.  

Wait!!!

that's not true -- I have been holding my breath since January...... 

First time was because I was sure Sir Steve wouldn't come back to visit... 

Then I was holding it because it all felt too good ya know ?  and I was sure someone or something would pop my bubble..... 

Then came the great apartment hunt -- and I found it -- that special quirky lil place and then it was time to wait and hold my breath cause the date to move was so far away... and god only knew what could happen before I actually got to move....... 

And then finally I was in the car following Sir Steve down the highway -- and I thought I could breathe again ......... BUT ......... I hadn't heard from the management company and oh lord  what if something happened and I couldn't have the new place (don't ask me what could happen -  but something might happen ya know!!)  

I have been constantly looking at the calendar and watching June 1st creep closer and closer .. day by day... and I still hadn't heard from the management company.. and I pictured all sorts of solutions to imaginary problems......... 

THEN

Yesterday afternoon the phone rang....... the management company had called to set up an appointment for me to sign the lease on June 1st!! As planned -- no hitches -- no problems... 

Maybe now I can finally breathe ... maybe?? 

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Superhero





On Mother's day there were some memes going around FB about single Dads and how they should be acknowledged on Mother's Day.  My initial reaction was -- 'why?!  there's Father's day?!!'  But then you have to realize I was raised by parents who did not believe in these 'special days'.  I can still hear my father saying "Why is there one day to acknowledge your parents?? Children should acknowledge their parents EVERY day!"  

BUT all that aside -- I have watched Sir Steve over these last 5 months juggle his day job with the house chores -- with raising a 4 year old by himself.   Yeah I admire him for it -- but again -- my practical side says 'there's lots of single moms doing all that and more too" I think it's just a bit more rare to see a dad with custody of the children.  AND certainly my experience with Dads in general is that they are a bit like a deer caught in the headlights when they are faced with single parenthood..... like no one has prepared them for double duty.

When we first started talking about my moving here -- spending more time with them both - I made it pretty clear I wasn't looking to become a 'step mom' to the lil one.  I've done with raising my kids -- I've done my teaching kids -- and I've done my working with 'special' kids and I was done!

BUT I was willing to offer advise -- put my professional hat on and make suggestions that might make life run a little smoother -- things like setting rules and sticking to them -- setting boundaries and not moving them.  It's hard though for mom or dad to come home from work tired and have to stick to the rules and boundaries -- it's so much easier to turn on the TV and let the rules and boundaries slide.  BUT if you love your child you try damn hard to maintain the rules and boundaries -- and eventually with time -- things start to run a little smoother -- and the children start to be more confident -- more relaxed -- more responsible.

That doesn't mean there aren't bad days and worse nights.  There have been nights where Sir Steve has had little to no sleep because of bad dreams -- or the odd night when the lil one has a bed wetting accident and sheets are being changed in the dead of night -- and the alarm still rings at the same time regardless of no sleep -- the day looms ahead with the responsibilities that day light brings.

I have nothing but respect for any single parent -- but I'm a little more invested in this single parent ... a little more sympathetic -- a little more impressed by how he can leap tall buildings in a single bound -- juggle a bowl of cereal with a glass of milk while he's packing the lunch bag and stuffing the homework into the school bad. 

In my humble opinon his super power IS being a single dad  and his determined attitude that he's got this!!




 

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

A little Blip






Well I had a little blip on the weekend.  Saturday I woke up with a small tiny sore throat.  I told Sir Steve "I am not sick -- it's just a small tiny cold bug".  

We went off to the munch/barbeque and had a great time.  Sir Steve got to meet a lot of new people -- we stuffed ourselves on salads and hamburgers and sweets. We watched the fireworks.  And......... I got cold... colder... coldest!  By the time we got in the car to head back to Kingston I was frozen!! When we curled into bed we snuggled and I passed out - dosed up on Tylenol and cold medicine.

Sunday we got up and loaded up my car as planned and headed off to the trailer.  I didn't have much energy -- but I just kept repeating it's just a small tiny cold -- I am NOT sick.  Sunday night at bedtime we snuggled in bed and I passed out again from the Tylenol and cold medicine.

Monday -- truthfully - I felt like crap!  My bones ached -- my sinuses ached --  and I had absolutely NO energy.  

We loaded up the cars and came down the highway to Cornwall.  I barely got my car unloaded before I climbed into a nice hot bath.   I had to admit the small tiny cold might just be beating my ass.  (insert BIG sigh) 

It wasn't quite the way I imagined our first 'forever' weekend together....... but it is what it is..... Sir Steve made me coffee -- and made tortellini for dinner and made me stay on the sofa and relax.  

My imagined first 'forever' weekend wasn't what I expected -- but we've got forever to make up for it.............  

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Closing the Book







This is a BIG weekend!

Tonight Sir Steve and I are heading off to a barbeque munch at a friend's house.  Most of the people that have stood beside me -- propped me up when I needed propping -- laughed with me and played with me -- will be there.  It will be my chance to say my "good byes".  Some of the goodbyes will most likely be pretty tearful.  But all of these people will be in my heart forever.

Then Sunday we are loading up my car -- locking the door on the apartment -- and I will be following Sir Steve down the 401 to our new life together.  For the next few weeks I will be staying with him until my new home is ready and my furniture arrives.  

I thought I would have more emotions about leaving Kingston.   But there are so many reasons to close the book on this city.  Despite the fact that Kingston has been a fun city for the last 4 years .... it has brought me much sadness too.... and it never felt like home -- I was alone here -- far from my family and their loving support.  My new city of choice holds adventure for me -- new places to explore -- almost 2 hours closer to my family -- my own lil home with a front yard -- and of course (big grin) Sir Steve.  So I close the book willingly with little regret.

I used to fear change - but not these days.  I have grown so much over the last 2 years -- discovered I am much stronger than I ever believed...  much more confident than I ever thought possible -- and I have come to realize that life is meant to be lived to the fullest.

And I have every intention of living the fullest life possible  -- and that dear readers is a VERY good thing! 

Friday, May 19, 2017

Fairies






One thing I didn't share with you from last weekend is my fairy garden.

It's all set up and catching people's eyes -- especially the childen!  The teacher I worked with re-gifted a set of fairy wind chimes which will come to the trailer this weekend and I know Sir Steve will hang them.... he tends to humour my need to be surrounded by fairies.

I didn't bring my good camera -- only had my cell -- but I so wanted pictures of the fairy garden I couldn't wait for the good camera.  AND of course the day I took the pictures it had been raining..  the pics aren't the best -- but this is my 

Fairy Garden

This is the entry door -- the small bottle holds the key


of course the fairies have to be camping!
  

There's a little swimming hole for when the weather warms up... 
 


 a quiet bench for snuggling......
 


fairy Emma is singing "feed the birds...."  
 

 I hope over time to add some pretty ground cover that will flower and more fairies to delight young and old......

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Evil Woman



OH if only you knew how many times I have written today's blog -- edited it -- edited it again -- and finally took it down.

Sir Steve and I talked about it -- I don't like the side of me that gets angry -- that wants to speak the truth from the mountain tops.  I want to speak MY truth from the mountain tops -- nay shout it from the mountain tops.  I want to 'out' the man who thinks I am SO powerful - so evil -  that I can turn whole communities against him -- who believes I have aided in the ruination of his life. Who thinks I have that kind of power!

When in reality -- no one can ruin your life -- make you miserable and unhappy... only you can do that to yourself! 

People only turn their backs on you -- cut you out of their lives -- when you -- you yourself - have driven them away.  

Certainly no one is exempt from rumours and gossip -- I most certainly haven't been in my 4 years here in Kingston.  BUT I stayed true to myself -- I held my head high and people saw through the rumours and gossip.  They saw the real me -- the friendly slightly naive (ok maybe a lot naive) person who opened her heart and home to those around her.  They saw a woman who showed respect and bit her tongue (when blurting out the truth would have done nothing more but stir the rumour mill and cause more drama -- and that is not who I am!)

I have no such evil powers to turn communities against anyone -- or have such evil powers that I can make someone miserable ...... nope sorry.  That's not me.

I am however evil enough to live my life well -- strong enough to know when it's time to leave the past behind and move forward with strength and a firm belief that things will indeed get better.

AND evil enough to leave Karma to do her job for me.


Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Leftover buttons




I came into this relationship with Sir Steve with a whole lot of 'buttons' ....... we've managed to work hard to cut a lot of the strings that fastened them to me....... but every once in awhile I discover another button ....

Last weekend I found a couple of them -- well hidden -- 


I had followed Sir Steve in my car to a local mall to do a quick stop before we headed off to the campgrounds.  I pulled in beside him ...... and my stomach lurched and knotted.  The turn into the space had been tight -- and the car was a little bit crooked.  It was one of the things that W used to give me grief about - not being perfectly straight in the parking space (and they say I have OCD!!)  When I climbed out of the car I checked and was fairly straight and definitely between the yellow lines -- Sir Steve made some comment about my reaction.  I later explained to him I had found another 'button' -- the anxiety over parking perfectly straight between the yellow lines.  Sir Steve just shook his head and whispered "it doesn't really matter does it?" 

Then later during the weekend - there was a conversation about spankings/play time.  Sir Steve gave me THAT look -- one I know so well -- that said "all you have to do is ask" ... I walked away from that one. I filled up with tears -- had a brief moment of panic that this relationship was sliding down the same hill as the one with W... where the Dom didn't really want to do the pain part of play -- but would do it to please me.  The problem with that is -- I will not relax enough to enjoy it -- the mantra in my head will always be "He's doing it for me -- he does NOT want to do it -- just for me"   

I am a masochist -- pain is the fuel that keeps my motor purring.  BUT for some reason unless the Sadist playing with me is enjoying it and getting his motor running -- it's a total waste of time.  In my warped thinking a Sadist/masochist relationship is very symbiotic relationship.  I will not thrive if I am the only one enjoying myself -- I feed off the desire of the Sadist to dole out the pain.  For me -- sensing that desire from the Sadist is almost as good (if not better) than the actual pain.


Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Life Keeps Getting Better






First thing yesterday morning I went to the drugstore to get something for the bug bites.  I got a cortisone cream, antihistamines, and DEET.  The itch is easing -- the swelling in my finger is down -- and my ankle is slowly improving (yeah I had one there too!!)

Then - about two weeks ago I put an ad on Kijiji to try and sell my dining room set but never heard a thing - until yesterday when I had 3 emails from people who showed an interest.  One chap was very interested and insistent.  He wanted to come in the afternoon and pick it up.  I gave the ok but as the day went on I thought to myself 'how foolish is this?? letting complete strangers into my house??!!"  I messaged the superintendents here at the building and they said one of them would come down and be with me while he looked at the set.  He came with 4 buddies right on time and the super showed up almost immediately.  The guys loaded up the set and moved it out....... and I had money in my hand!  (I had given up hope and was going to give it to a charity) 

And in case my day couldn't get any better ........ the doctor's office called to tell me the cancer test I had a couple of weeks ago was negative!!

Life does seem to keep getting better and better 

And that is a very good thing!

Monday, May 15, 2017

Camping Life





We spent the weekend at the campsite in the trailer........ the weather was a wee bit better than last weekend (not much -- but a wee bit!)  Friday was sunny and almost warm...... we set up the fire pit and managed to enjoy a delightful, quiet, romantic fire together Friday night.......... 



Saturday Sir Steve was determined to work on the deck he has built for the new trailer....... 



Saturday evening we went to visit another campsite and I got to meet some more of our 'neighbours'.   

 OH and we got the internet hooked up and working on the site -- so from now on I will be able to post entries to the blog from the comfort of the trailer!!  Camping sure has modernized since I went camping in a tent!!

One thing hasn't changed though....... my body's severe reaction to bug bites.  There were a whole mess of tiny lil black bugs -- everyone said they were 'no-see-ems' and not to worry they didn't bite.  Can I say "LIARS"??!!  those little bruts bite worse than mosquitoes and my body's reaction to their bites was pretty damn extreme!




And one last little tidbit of news..... I actually dealt with the ex-wife and the ex-inlaws... the ex-sister-in-law was amazing!!  She spent a good part of her time visiting with us and helping Sir Steve with the deck. I was civil to the ex-wife and actually shared a laugh with the ex-father-in-law.  

Things are looking up............... the summer is gonna be amazing!

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Saying goodbye






Yesterday was my last day with my lil guy at school.  He is so very ready to move forward on his own.  Oh the progress he has made!!  When I told him I was leaving he was quite upset and sputtered about how he loved me and I couldn't leave -- but finished up with "Well you have to give me a letter".  

I had no idea what he meant by that -- but it planted a thought in my head.  I decided I would give him a goodbye card.  Last week I took a couple of 'selfies' of the two of us together and made him a little card .. on the front I wrote "Oh the places you'll go" and inside I wrote "Kid you'll move mountains" (quotes from Dr. Seuss).  I don't know if he'll even remember he asked for a "letter" but I feel good about doing this for him.  




This lil guy WILL go places and move mountains and I am so very happy I got to spend these last few months helping him find his feet - so to speak.

And now I am ready to go places and move my own mountains.........
(there is always another child waiting just around the corner -- a child who needs to find their independence... their confidence )

Friday, May 12, 2017

My Speciality



I have a feeling that a lot of you who read yesterday's blog where I threw a little fit -- let the anger and the frustration I have been feeling for months spill out -- were worried I was not adjusting to being a "step parent". and were worried I would put my nose in where I shouldn't.

I want to reassure you all that I have no intentions of going head to head with the ex-wife or her mother!  Technically they are not my problem.

BUT 
Sir Steve IS my concern and in a way my problem.  I have watched him curl into himself over these last few months...... watched him scowl every time the phone rings -- watched his stress levels increase and his laughter decrease. 

When we visited his parents at Easter -- his dad took me aside and told me that Sir Steve has been through hell and back in the last 10 years (I think perhaps he was warning me not to hurt his son -- but I took it as a challenge to make Sir Steve happy -- to show him how it feels to be loved unconditionally -- but that will take time.)

The other evening during our evening chat together I sensed Sir Steve was done -- done like dinner.  and was perhaps feeling more impotent than I was.  He loves his daughter with all his heart -- and can not cut the ties with the mother or the ex-inlaws as long as he has her in his custody.  BUT I have seen there are no boundaries between any of them.  I have watched as this cute lil 4 year old has figured out which buttons to push with both her parents -- and do it VERY well. 

I have watched as the woman Sir Steve thought loved him deeply cut him to shreds and when she wasn't her mother would. (sometimes very publicly)   I was sure Sir Steve has felt he had no one in his corner -- no one to 'have his back' so to speak.

So we talked -- I got him to open up a little bit.  It was my chance to voice my opinion on how the child is manipulating them all -- and how the mother is doing the same thing....... this is my specialty......this is what I did professionally for nearly 30 years. 

I quietly explained to him that his rules for the lil one are HIS rules for HIS house and technically he cannot enforce them when she is with her mother.  The child will learn to adapt to separate rules -- children do that very well - if only adults would understand that.  

I pointed out to him that the child needs consistent rules and consequences -- every single day....... the rule that applies today has to apply tomorrow and the day after tomorrow.  Only with rules and consequences will she feel cared for and loved in a concrete way.  I don't care what happens in her mother's house -- that is not my concern nor should it be Sir Steve's.  In HIS house he will - eventually - have a happy cooperative child who is much easier to live with... who will probably have fewer bad dreams and be more content and happier.  

As for his ex and family -- he needs to start building healthy boundaries.... enforced boundaries that will allow him and his lil one the sense of control over their lives.  I offered to stand beside him -- to help him build healthy boundaries -- help set down simple rules and consequences.. help him rebuild his life as a single independent father.  

We will work on this together -- because I love him and he loves me.  We will find our way through this together!  I never thought in all my years of working with broken families that one day I would be using the strategies I handed out to strangers to help a family I belong to and love -- but there it is......... I am and I will.  

Cause that's what you do when you love someone deeply and unconditionally .....you pitch in and help!
 

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Games





I didn't buy that ticket -- hell I didn't even want to go -- but I am in the middle of it -- smack dab in the fucking middle of games people play.

Sir Steve's ex is an expert game player - even before Sir Steve -- back when she was single and on the fringes of the group I hung around with.  I watched her games -- I made mental notes to stay the hell away from her.  I do NOT do games -- no one gave me the rule book ya know.  AND dear god nothing will make me react faster than someone playing games.

She played horrible games with Sir Steve's heart -- and even worse ones with their child.  The courts stepped in and took the child away from her and gave her to Sir Steve -- full custody!  She gets to see the child on weekends with supervision.

From our first time together I started to see how she plays games -- the child is allowed to call every time she wants to -- and every time the child speaks to Sir Steve the mother has to speak to him too!!  One weekend the number of phone calls was ludicrous.  Oh and mom can decide at the last minute she isn't taking the child -- or she can call and want early pick up.  Mom will call if the child acts up.  

Recently she has taken to posting pics of the child on FB -- memories from before -- and always tags Sir Steve in them.  At first I didn't pay much attention -- but ya know it's starting to get to me.  I know it's some sort of game she is playing -- she knows I am seeing the 'memories' the same as he is.

NOW -- this weekend -- the child is supposed to be with her mother -- at the campground.  Sir Steve tells me the mother is letting the 4 year old decide where she sleeps -- with mom or with Dad.  Sir Steve says it's a game says he won't play it. 

I am boiling - absolutely boiling.  This woman is single handedly driving me to distraction.  SHE can go away on a 2 week holiday when ever the hell SHE wants to -- SHE can decide SHE is not taking the child when SHE has a sore throat --  while we have trouble finding a weekend to ourselves..... while Sir Steve spent 2 weeks recuperating from surgery with the child ..... and the mom bitched about having to pick up and drop off over the weekend!

I am so fucking done with this nonsense!  

And feel so impotent!

There's nothing I can do..... nothing at all.
except maybe grind my teeth.  

Believe me when I say -- I am doing a lot of teeth grinding!

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Becoming a Pro

A month or so ago I contacted the same moving company that moved me here to Kingston then moved me out of W's house and into my apartment and told them I was moving again.  Yes again -- that's 3 moves in 4 1/2 years.  I am becoming a pro.

The other two moves I had the movers do everything - pack and move me.  This time I decided there was no rush and definitely no full time job so I would pack myself.  I thought after 2 moves I would be a pro at packing.  Nah not so much.  I have spent the last two days packing up my stuff....... despite downsizing before each move I still seem to have mounds of 'stuff'.




11 boxes and still going strong! and I am pooped.

Yesterday afternoon while I was packing up books and photo albums I pulled out a large red one that didn't ring any bells.  I opened it.......... 



And memories flooded back.   It was so much more than a photo album -- it was a scrapbook my two girls made me for my 60th birthday.  I went through it like I was seeing it for the first time...... there were pictures of me when I was a baby right through to my birthday -- there were pictures of my girls and my grandchildren and my furbaby grandkids.  And there was a letter from each girl to me.  I took the letters out and reread them... and cried.  Beautiful words from beautiful women -- I hardly recognised the woman they were describing.

These last few months have been such a period of growth and change for me..... I am seeing life and myself differently... I am growing and improving and maybe becoming the woman and mother my girls wrote about........... 

And that is indeed a very good thing!

Tuesday, May 09, 2017

Togetherness





After a tiring day of organizing the trailer we put the lil one to bed and went into our bedroom and shut the door.  The above picture is not of our bedroom (I'll take one soon and post I promise) but it's pretty damn close.  AND the door closes pretty much at the foot of the bed.

I laid on my back barely moving or breathing..... the lil one was tossing and turning just outside the door..... I felt a knot forming in my stomach.  HOW could we make love even quietly with her so close??!!  I had a vision of the whole summer passing with us lying stiff as boards beside each other.  Sir Steve asked what was wrong and I gave my pat answer 'nothing' .......which for the record infuriates him! But there were so many thoughts tumbling around in my head -- and I was feeling selfish for wanting sex -- and selfish for wishing we had some privacy.  Finally good sense won out -- I told myself I could go on lying flat on my back barely breathing, not talking and most definitely not having sex -- or Sir Steve and I could talk it out.  

I realized if it was one of my daughters outside the bedroom door sex wouldn't bother me in the least...... but this wasn't my daughter..... and I felt like it wasn't my decision to make.  The words tumbled out -- present fears...... future fears.  Sir Steve repeated his fear that his child and his ex would be too much 'baggage' for me.  He held me close and in the darkness of the bedroom we worked things out.

And we made sweet love .... which I so needed !  not so much on a physical level as a mental one.  Last week when I had that cancer screening -- it felt like my body was just a 'thing' ..... a specimen under a magnifying glass.  I needed - desperately - to take back my body -- to feel like a sensual being again.  I needed Sir Steve to hold me and fuck me and to feel the tears of joy that come every single time..... and to feel alive again.  Trust me when I say -- my body is mine again..... and everything is right with the world.... 

And that dear friends is a very good thing !

Monday, May 08, 2017

Mud Puddle


Thursday night I told Sir Steve I honestly didn't think I would be able to make it to the campgrounds this weekend.  That vaccine really knocked me flat on my ass.  My arm kept swelling till it was from just below the shoulder down half way to my elbow and went almost all the way around the arm.  I was still running a low grade fever.  
But Friday morning the fever was gone -- and I was a wee bit better.  I packed up the car and headed off to Sir Steve and a weekend of healing snuggles.

We went up to the campgrounds on Saturday...... it had been raining for days and days and days.  For those not in our area -- there is flooding everywhere!!  rivers are overflowing their banks -- water levels are rising to the point that bridges are being closed and whole shorelines have been washed away....... 

BUT

we went to the campgrounds.

Does anyone know the book "Mud Puddle" by Robert Munsch??? Honestly that's how it felt -- no matter how careful I was when I went outside a mud puddle would sneak up and attack me. 


It oozed over the top of my crocs and seeped through the holes soaking my feet.  I changed into clean clothes and vowed I wasn't stepping off the deck...... but the mud puddle found me and splattered my warm leggings ... (thanks to the dog's enthusiastic tail and dirty paws) and somehow my feet got soaked again.

Despite the mud -- mud mud everywhere -- we did manage to get the dishes washed and sorted out into cupboards -- we got supplies stored away -- and Sir Steve (god love him) even lengthened a post on the deck so the internet guy can install the internet next weekend!  We barbequed sausages and chicken -- and ate in the trailer.  We turned the heat up and stayed toasty warm.  Yes I can get used to this camping thing -- with heaters to keep us warm and a big queen sized warm snuggly bed in the bedroom. 

AND of course with Sir Steve to snuggle me and coddle me...... 

Life is good when you have an RV and a man who loves you ......

Friday, May 05, 2017

Knocked off my feet


About 10 years ago I got shingles ....... it left a lasting impression on my mind (and body) 

I have been toying with the idea of getting the shingles vaccine for a while now.  Apparently you can get shingles more than once.  I do not want them ever again.  About a month ago I was picking up a prescription at the drugstore and saw a sign offering the shingles vaccine.  So I asked about it.  

You know for a vaccine that so many doctors and medical folks are pushing you'd think the cost would be reasonable.  WRONG!  It is $230 for one shot.  However the druggist pointed out to me that I had reached the 'magic' age where the vaccine was free and suggested I call my doctor.

So the other day when I went through the cancer screening -- I also opted to have the shingles vaccination.   I  had done my due diligence and checked out the side effects etc.  Don't you love when they say 'do not take if you are allergic to (whatever drug they are injecting you with)?? How do you know if you are allergic until you take it?

Anyway -- the side effects were mild -- some possible itching -- some possible swelling at the injection site....... so I had the vaccination.  Before I had left the doctor's office I was complaining how itchy my arm was.  I was told it was normal.

Wednesday morning I went to work -- but couldn't wait for the bell to ring to come home.  I was feeling awful and it was getting worse.

By mid-afternoon I was curled up on the sofa with muscle/joint aches - a mild headache  -- an upset tummy -- and an arm that felt like it was on fire.  By late afternoon I called the doctor's office.  The "mild reaction" was over the top and getting worse.  The nurse explained it sounded like I was the 1% of the population who were allergic to the vaccine.  Take tylenol and wait it out.  

I barely slept during the night.  My arm throbbed -- my body ached -- I felt miserable!  I called in sick to school.  I checked the injection site - it was angry red and swollen about 3inches across and 4inches long.  I applied ice and took Tylenol and napped........ rinse wash and repeat.

I WAS supposed to be preparing food for the weekend at the campsite -- I was supposed to be organising/packing bedding etc for the campsite -- I slept and ate crackers and felt sorry for myself.  The only positive thing is -- at least I won't be getting shingles which -- truthfully -- is much worse than this reaction to the vaccine.

I do think though that my visit to doctor's offices and vaccinations are way down on my priority list right now....... Sir Steve is all the medicine I need or want right now !

Thursday, May 04, 2017

Crafty subbie camper

That title is a mouthful isn't it?? 

Remember this picture ???




Well I have been working on it...... discovered I must have an allergy to the sealant -- I have been sneezing and coughing like crazy and I sprayed the damn thing outside!! But I persevered and have finished it....... 




And am now working on building the fairy garden....... this little gem arrived last week......... 



And I have this little door that eldest daughter gave me........And these fairies .... (have to admit I have ordered a couple more) 


 I think I am looking forward to long hot summer days at the campsite 

Wednesday, May 03, 2017

Ultimately






I had a doctor's appointment yesterday ...... and another cancer screening test. I did not want to go through the test.  I feel as though my body has been poked and prodded and scrapped and cut too many times in the last 4 years....... way too many times.

Sir Steve reminded me I could refuse to go through the test -- ultimately it is my decision.  I had more or less made up my mind to refuse the test.

Then on the drive to the doctor's office I realized it wouldn't be a very mature / grown up thing to do - to refuse a test.  So I made a deal with myself -- I would have the test -- but I didn't want any male doctors!  IF they couldn't/wouldn't give me a female then I would refuse the test.

I had a female ...... a resident -- and dear god in heaven!! I hope gynecology is not her specialty.  She could not find my cervix........ WTF??? she poked and she prodded and poked some more.   Ever had a nurse try to take blood and they can't find a vein and poke around with the needle?? yeah?? well multiply that discomfort 10 fold and you have an idea what it felt like to have her hunting around for my cervix.

Finally she found it and took the scrapings needed AND then took some other scrapings.  Then she said they would call if they found anything and left.

I just sat there - naked from the waist down - hurting -- really hurting.  I felt violated for lack of a better term.  AND of course 'anxiety' my old friend reared it's nasty head and I had a minor panic attack.

I made it home doing a whole lot of self talk -- mostly calming myself with the thought I would talk to Sir Steve and have a little cry and he would make it all better as only he can.

BUT as luck would have it -- as I logged on he was trying to dash out the door..... so our talk was postponed.

I took some tylenol for the discomfort and curled up on the sofa under my snuggly blanket.  I realized... when it comes right down to it ....... ultimately we are all on our own to go through medical tests or emotional pain -- ultimately it is up to us to find ways to cope / deal -- and get through whatever it is life throws at us. 

Ultimately there is only "me". 

Tuesday, May 02, 2017

Surrender



I love to be teased - sexually -- brought to the edge but never allowed to just drop over -- not yet -- not till he wants it... desires it... 

He loves to keep me hanging there - loves my facial expressions -- loves to hear me whimper with need -- to feel my nails digging into his skin -- urging him to finish it ... 

On the weekend he took me to that edge -- and held me there for what felt like hours -- I was twisting and turning and moaning with desire

AND..... 

at the height of my need ........
I felt total and complete surrender.

He could have had anything -- taken anything -- I was nothing but a ball of clay in his hands.. to mold any way he wished.... and whatever he wished was my wish ... my need was that strong.

Total and complete surrender 

and that is a very good thing!

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