Friday, April 22, 2011

Not again!!!

I have been realizing over these last few weeks - that things have changed...... inside of me.  It is as though the surgeon removed the rough scratchy edges that lined me inside and smoothed them all out.  

I hadn't said a word to anyone - because I wasn't positive it would last - that it wasn't just some sort of reaction to how sick I was .. weak and worn out... no fight left.  And I wondered as my strength came back if the rough edges would reappear.  

But over the last few days  - maybe a week or so - I am coming to realize that I am not entirely the same person I was in January.  

On one hand I think I am stronger....... I have realized I have allowed so many people - some close to me - some not so close - define who and what I was.  I allowed my temper and frustrations to rule my head.  Now ........ well Now I feel stronger in that I know who I want to be......... what I want to be....... and damn everyone else's opinion.

I told W last evening in an email - that I am NOT a masochist.  NO NO NO........... that was someone else's definition of me.  I am what W always called me - simply a pain slut....nothing more nothing less.

And I am coming to realize I miss the serving aspect of a relationship.  Oh not on my hands and knees bowing to the god almighty who claims to be Dominant... NO NO NO.. more a soft gentle serving..... taking care of my man sort of thing.  

I am not out to accept the challenges of submissives and Dominants who live an extreme sort of D/s   That isn't for me.  I am wiser now.  I see how some of what we do can have serious consequences - health wise - and emotion wise - and I do not want to go there.  

(As an aside - I was remembering last summer playing hard - living up to the masochist label I had accepted - how for days after a session - my body would ache - more than ache - it would HURT.  and I would be weepy and sad.  I felt lost and alone - and more than a little scared.  It took a while - hey you can teach an old dog new tricks - it just takes a while - but I came to realize I didn't like the hurting ... I wanted some TLC .... and it wasn't anywhere to be found......... I was worth more than a "slam bam thank you ma'am" sort of play time)

I  want to change my quick judgmental attitude - some of which comes from my work - where from time to time I have to make quick decisions about someone - but in my personal life I want to be softer... more gentle.. more accepting of people's faults and foibles.

I want to wake up every morning glad to be alive - to see the rain (ugh) and the sunshine and be glad that I am me......... even if this me is changing yet again! (or maybe not changing - but more refining)


  1. Bounce, bounce ☺ ☺

    Butt as someone said " Be true to yourself "...

    If you like/enjoy/love pain and don't wish to be called/thought of as a Masochist so be it, just enjoy it.

    As for " ...not on my hands and knees bowing to the god almighty... " I will miss that big time ☺ butt will get over it or knot.


  2. Define and label. Egads. If it feels good, do it. If it doesn't - don't. And in the process don't give a rat's ass how the rest of the world defines and labels.

  3. im happy you are figuring things out for yourself. i think we go through so many phases in our lives, trying to figure ourselves out- trying to be who everyone else thinks we are. just be who you are- Master has been a huge help to me in this area. maybe its cause we are women and have to be so many different "people"- strong, soft,judgmental, accepting, protective, self efficient... the list goes on.. maybe its the same for men too- i dont know though cause ima
    anyway, im happy for you :)
    Hisflower- also now known as lola.

  4. It is Friday and what are you today?

    Journeya have a tendancy to change on the way just be happy in the moments what ever others call it

  5. I agree with Buffalo.
    Labels be damned!

    Live and let live I say.
    Just as long as you're happy darl.

  6. Labels fall off all the time!

    Glad to hear that things are going in a direction that you want them too.

  7. I see another Rainbow Rising .....
    We all listen too much to what other people say, think or expect.

    Wait for it...... soon as ya start to think and do things your way the shit will hit the fan.

    Then ya will know who is who...
    Gonna be tough and I should know but believe me it is so worth it!

    In the end you will ask yourself why didn't I do this sooner!

    Another Rainbow rising!


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