Friday, August 31, 2012

Just shoot 'em

Day two  of the school year 

(hey if you don't wanna hear me bitch and whine about my last year of work - you need to move along.......... )

(GOD I am starting to sound like the bitches I work with)

Anyway - enough of that - day 2 - was much better than day 1 - I didn't lose one kiddie - in fact I even managed  - somehow -  to land up with one too many - not bad eh?? (cheeky grin) Those parents still aren't reading the rule book - ahhh well - only 10 more months to teach 'em how  to do that  right??

Everything was flowing along real smoothly - until just after lunch - when one of my staff came into my office to complain she had less hours than someone with less seniority.  I didn't think so - I am pretty good at making sure the hours are distributed correctly - according to seniority - but I am human and I make mistakes - so I told her I would double check.

Mid afternoon - the other employee - the one with supposedly MORE hours came charging into my office - like the school was on fire.  Apparently employee one was bitching at employee two that she had more hours - and THAT was gonna change !!!  Employee two bitched at me she had ** more ** seniority  - and she should have maximum hours - so I shouldn't even THINK about taking 15 minutes off her day. 

So I pulled out the files - told employee one she had 20 minutes more a day than employee two (and in my head said "now shut the fuck up") and told employee two if she thought her seniority was wrong she was talking to the wrong person (ME) - call Human Resources and bitch at them.  Then I turned on my heel and left.

The day wasn't all stress and back stabbing bitches though.  Youngest daughter dropped by mid morning with baby grandson.  And we went out for cookies and juice/coffee....... and I got to visit with them - giggle with the lil guy ... and remember there is a whole wonderful life outside the four walls of school.

Just tell me THAT face wouldn't brighten up your day.......... (it's even cuter when he flashes that grin of his - complete with dimples!)

On the other side of my life - W signed off on his house here ........ and as he put it - "He is now a few thousand dollars richer - and homeless" - silly man !!!  He moves in here with me tonite - until Tuesday when He heads off to our new home in Kingston.  (how I wish I was going with him on Tuesday ) 

And that dear friends was the second day of school........

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Just Shoot me

Yesterday was my last "first" day of school - and I can honestly say I don't mind one little bit.  It was bloody hell.  and even muttering "fuck 'em" or "pee on 'em" didn't help one little bit.

From 7:00 am till 1:30 (when I just walked out for a break) I didn't stop.  Parent after parent came to see me - and mostly with really stupid questions.  (and I wonder why some of our kids don't get it!!)  I was back in my office by 3 and then it all went downhill.  I had to account for over 100 kids when the bell rang.  12 kids went missing............... 12 !!!!  In my whole career I have NEVER had 12 kids go missing on the first day - on ANY day!!!  

By 4:30 I was back in my office fending off more stupid questions from parents keeping one eye on the clock cause the showing was scheduled for 5:30.  

At 5:20 my cell phone rang.  I answered to hear an alarm going off and I could barely hear the voice over the noise.  It was my real estate agent.  She managed - god  knows how - to set off my alarm.  I was trying to tell her how to cancel it ... it wasn't working - so I figured I was wrong.  I grabbed my purse and was almost shouting at her over the noise to tell her I was on my way home and would be there in 10 mins.  Just then she managed to shut the damn thing off.  When I hung up from her my phone rang immediately.  My alarm company phoning to tell me there had been an "event" at the house. Oh yeah really??!!!  (rolling eyes)

Finally at 6:00 I came home and collapsed.  

If the first day is any indication of how my year is gonna go................. just shoot me now ok???

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

A little bit of this and a little bit of that

I don't have a whole lot of anything today...... my days are filled with work and thoughts of work - and W's packing and leaving - and selling my house - and nothing much else.

Yesterday I had a staff meeting with my staff.  I was not feeling good about it going in....... all those nasty deeds done in June are still with me - I still want revenge - which is so not me - and definitely not a good supervisor - but ya know stabbing anyone in the back doesn't sit right with me...... never has, never will - but when that back belongs to me - it is even worse.  But I smiled and did my schtick and got the hell out of there... 

Today the kids arrive.  and their parents.  I frequently wonder when parents will learn to read.  BUT then I have been wondering that for nearly 30 years - shrug - guess it won't happen during my career!!!

Last night I noticed - as I was going to bed - that W had posted to his blog.  It is a strange pic that caught his interest.  Wanna see it ?? click HERE........... Now W is always finding interesting... weird and wonderful pics on the net.  The man must belong to every photo mailing list going !!!! But I found this one a little disturbing for some reason...... I think perhaps because the male is obviously in a submissive pose.  My mind went in one direction - so I asked him about it - cause otherwise (being me) I would have stewed and fussed all night long.  His answer came from a completely different direction - He said the guy looked old and was still obviously playing.  ahhhhh - yeah - so??? LOL - I have a saying over my desk (to remind me) that goes " we do not quite playing because we grow old - we grow old because we quit playing"......... 

I am pooped these nights when I get home from work.  Of course I am working 7 - 8 hours straight - the workaholic in me I guess.  And I haven't been sleeping well - Soooooo when I get home I just kinda collapse and not move till bedtime (which is getting earlier and earlier) 

So last night I was vegging on the sofa watching some mindless television show when the phone rang.  I ran a list through my head of who could be calling 'cause honestly I just didn't feel much like talking - daughters ?? nope already spoke to them.  W - nope not likely - as he is more pooped than me every evening and emailing is about all he has the energy for - So I decided to answer it and find out.................. It was my real estate agent.  Honestly she was the last person I was expecting to hear from.  She told me I have my FIRST home visit today at 5:30 - thank god I will still be at work!!  

I was excited - my first visit !!!  Then I glanced around the house - oh my god !!!  I needed to spruce it up - clean the bathrooms - clean the kitchen - spruce it up !!  So I pulled my ass off the comfy sofa - and got to sprucing.......... By the time I was done I needed a hot bath and bed so badly !!!  This selling the house is gonna be exhausting if I have to spruce it up all the time......... god give me strength.  BUT .... hey I have my first visit and that is a very good thing !!!

So that's about it dear friends - not much of anything - just bits and pieces........another day in my life.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012


"SHUNNED" - that damn word seems to be popping up in my life a lot these days..... AND - I do not like it all.  

The most recent shunning is something that has left me with my jaw on the floor and my mind in a whirl.

Now don't get me wrong - let's get this bit straight right off the mark.   IF you start a BDSM group - you are the boss - and you set the rules ... I have to follow them.  IF I don't much like your rules I can leave your group (or not join in the first place) .....

Now W and I are tip toeing around the various groups in Kingston - trying to get to know folks - their belief system - their rules and protocols - THEM.  We have been to two dinner munches - one breakfast munch - and one slosh...... oh yeah and one play party.  The dinner munches were run by one group - the breakfast and slosh (and play party)  by another group.  The dinner munches were casual and comfortable and we felt welcome.  

The breakfast munch was difficult because we really didn't know anyone - the slosh we knew some folks but not many. The play party - the only thing I really remember is not feeling that welcome - and feeling as though - no matter how hard I tried to be friendly - cheeky - it wasn't received all that well........... I felt awkward and very much like a newbie - and blamed no one but myself - and my insecurities.

I was determined to persevere because hey - it's probably me right? Everyone else seems happy and included.  

At the slosh - there was one woman who approached me.  Turns out she was the head of "education" (Ok now I have to admit that threw me - didn't know I had joined a school - but hey - if they are into educating newbies more power to 'em) She wanted to know what I thought I had to offer the group in the way of education - and what if anything I would like to learn.  We talked about how I have been in the lifestyle for over 25 years and that I would gladly offer to work with submissives - in any capacity she thought would work - AFTER I moved to Kingston.  I remember this woman because she was warm and open and friendly AND most importantly.... made me feel included.

Since that slosh - I have read of her efforts to get workshops going - find animators and participants - and to continue to find out what people wanted.  She seemed - in my humble opinion - to be going about this "educating" process in all the right ways....... finding out what people needed/wanted and then trying to offer it......... (rather than some folk who decide what others need - offer workshops and wonder why they don't fly) 

All of that to say.......... yesterday I read some emails that this woman and her husband have been "shunned" from the group - banished and shunned.  Those are the exact words used.  WTF???!!  No reason given - just the fact that no one in the group should have anything to do with them.  (and if the leaders of the group want to argue that one with me - let's go at !!!  SHUNNING means no one can have any contact with them)

Makes me wonder why I would want to stay in a group that seems to be a dictatorship...... 

BUT then I go back to my opening paragraph about the group being owned by someone and everyone else has to play by his rules.  I guess I am just worried about what his rules are .......... BECAUSE to wake up one morning and to find out I had been put on the "shunned/banned" list publicly would humiliate me ...... and I don't do humiliation well................ 

Drama and politics - it would seem I can't get away from it.............    

Monday, August 27, 2012


W started last Wednesday (my first day back at school) sending me lil emails first thing in the morning (I don't even ask how he has time to think of that what with ALL he has on his plate right now) 

Wednesday's email said "breathe"..... Thursday's I think said 198 to go ........(which truthfully we both have to stop - the daily count down - cause ya know 190 anything seems like forever!!)  On Friday he sent me an email that said " Fuck 'em" I laughed out loud - cause ya know........ considering how (as usual) I am getting no support from any front - it was very appropriate.  So I spent Friday walking around muttering "fuck 'em" mostly in my head.  

(For those interested - my principal still hasn't had time to sit down with me and do MY staffing - the Board is not the least bit interested in finding me 5 new employees - school starts this Wednesday - AND my staff from last year have been calling asking about this year) 

Yesterday W and I went to a munch (keep up here I promise to tie it all together before I end and hopefully make some sense)

The munch was the usual gang of suspects - with the usual chatter/complaining/gossip - with a smattering of drama thrown in for good measure.  

This morning I opened some emails from the mailing list for the BDSM group W and I  belong to in Kingston - the city we will soon be calling home - and there it was - more drama - more hurt feelings - more inneundos.

I found myself muttering under my breath "fuck 'em  fuck 'em  fuck 'em  fuck 'em " over and over ............. 

This morning I went looking for a picture for Monday morning (as is my habit - to add pictures to each blog entry) and found the following.......... 

I think for the next little while I will mutter "fuck 'em" and then pee on them all........... that might work !!

Saturday, August 25, 2012

4 A.M.

I rolled over and peered through sleep crusted eyes at the clock beside the bed - the numbers told me it was 4 AM.
It was dark in my room - and the humidity was high - my sheets stuck to my body.  I swore - not so quietly.  Too bloody early to be up on a Saturday morning !

But my body was awake - and years of experience have taught me - when the body is awake - there's no point fighting it.  So I peeled the sweat soaked sheets off my body and made my way to the office - flicking on the pc.  

The world is quiet at 4 A.M. and I kept  telling myself I like 4 A.M. - the total quiet , stillness - darkness ......... feeling wrapped up in some sort of cocoon that keeps the outside world from invading.

But this morning my mind went tripping over "stuff" ...... from staffing still not done at school - to selling my lil home - to actually moving to Kingston - to W leaving in a week.  And there my brain stuck.  W will be gone in one week (give or take a day) and I will be alone.  

W tells me logically that he won't be gone - he is just a little further away - we will still email frequently every day - we will still see each other on weekends (except the seeing each other will involve a 3 hour drive and maybe bad roads ) BUT.... I am smart enough to know there will be weekends when we don't feel like doing the 3 hour drive for only a few hours together ...........and I keep thinking I still have 10 months till I move - ohhhh what if my lil house doesn't sell??? how do I keep up the payments on it??? How do I stay here when my heart - my love is in Kingston??? 

4 A.M can be the time when nightmares scar the quiet still calm - and leave me feeling rattled.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Drama Queens

Recently I have found myself losing interest in the "community" .............. for awhile I couldn't really figure out why - I thought it was because W and I have been so busy planning our new lives in a new city.

I grew tired of the politics here - and with the politics (hand in hand) the drama.  I thought perhaps a new city would prove to have less politics less drama - and just be fun again.  But - alas alack - it only took a couple of events for me to sense the same politics and same drama - same shit - different people.  How boring !!

Fetlife - the web site I love to hate - is an absolute breeding ground for politics and drama........ the latest round of drama emanating from the illustrious site is name calling.  Dear God in heaven !!!  school yard bullying and childish behaviours on an adult site.  People were warned and warned again - stop using names - even screen names..... but did anyone listen - god no !!  It was kinda like watching a car wreck about to happen...........

And it has.

Today when I got home I read an email from another mailing list I am on.  Turns out there is a law suit out in British Columbia (Vancouver to be exact) for defamation of character.  

AND of course this defamation of character happened on Fetlife.  Believe it or not - someone got angry at someone else for calling them names and is now suing.  Really???!!!

It seems to me there is just too much ego involved in the public side of this "community"...... It almost seems to me that it is time to burn the whole thing down and start over............ 

Anyway - if anyone is interested in reading the Notice of Civil Claim (I will admit it made interesting reading for me ) click here ............. 

Thursday, August 23, 2012

August 22nd

No no don't check your calendars - today is not the 22nd - yesterday was.  And it was my first day back at school.  The kids don't start till next Wednesday - but ya know I have paper work - and files - and programs - and a multitude of stuff to do before the 29th.

Usually by mid August I am chomping at the bit to go back.............. on Tuesday night I was dreading the thought of starting back.  WTF?? definitely time for me to retire.

Anyway I went in - got the socially accepted and expected hellos how was your summer over with - tried to book a meeting time with my principal - like that is ever an easy job (le sigh) will try again today.  Broke out the files and turned on the computer and just settled down to entry data and all the good stuff that pays my salary.

Every once in a while I would think to myself  "next year I will try doing A B or C this way" then I would smack myself upside the head and say to myself " this is the last time I have to do this" and I would smile a little and feel like I could actually do this.

After the required 7 hours of dull dull work - I shut down the computer, stacked the files, shut the window, turned off the lights and came home.

One day down  199 to go ...................

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


Ottawa is full of museums.  And to be truthful I have seen most of them when the girls were small.......... especially the Aviation museum (multiple times - ughhh gag me) 

But there is a relatively new museum in Ottawa.  The War Museum.  W has been when it opened........ kids from school have been.  I have not been.  So on Saturday I told W I would really like to go if he didn't mind going through it again.

 The museum is devoted to every war Canadians fought in....... from 1812 right up to the present time.  I was pretty much sure I would see various guns and tanks and military uniforms............. but I had also heard the museum had a walk through replica of the trenches from World War I - and it has a room dead center that has a war memorial - and you get to it via a maze of stone hallways ........... the amazing part of that room is - there is a window on the opposite wall from the memorial - and it is positioned in such a way that on November 11th (our Remembrance Day) at exactly 11:00 a.m. (if the sun is shining) a beam of sunlight will cut across the room and land on the memorial. That fascinated me and I wanted to see it.

So W and I started our tour of the War Memorial....... we just walked up and down hallways - quietly - studying the pictures/artifacts reading the explanations.  

Come with me and let me show you a little bit of what we experienced........

Can you see the face covered by hands?

This was actually not a painting per say but a piece of actual camouflage material

a gun powder holder

 from inside the WWI trenches

 a tableau of death from WWII

The memorial the sun hits on 11/11 at 11:00a.m.

I guess I got quieter and quieter as we walked through the exposition.  W at one point took my arm and guided me through a door and we were standing on a balcony of sorts looking down on tanks and up to airplanes - we were alone out there and I felt as though I couldn't catch my breath.  W said to me quietly "it's ok - everyone feels strong emotions when they come through here" and from out of nowhere the tears came - sliding softy and gently down my cheeks.  So many lives lost - so many families killed - so much pain and devastation - it tore at my heart. 

 This is Morse code cut out of the building - it says (in both official languages) 

Lest we forget.


Tuesday, August 21, 2012


OH I forgot to tell you - our lil holiday this past weekend??? We were in Ottawa - playing tourist.

On the Friday night - to kill time between check-in at the hotel and dinner - W and I ran across the street to a big mall.  W loves to poke around shops - me ?? not so much. 

However while we were poking - I came across a Kiosk.  Now Kiosk's can be interesting - Kiosks can be fun.  They are not (usually) big named stores with the usual crap.  Most of the time Kiosks are small independent whatevers - with - sometimes - some really intriguing stuff to poke through.

What drew me to this one - was the strong smell of nail polish (not exactly my favourite smell in the whole wide world - but I can think of a whole lot worse smelling stuff) Anyway............. this wasn't just a nail polish vendor.  No No !!  This Kiosk was selling "nail stamps".  What are nail stamps you ask??? (me too btw)

Have you ever noticed a woman's nails (I guess there may be some men with it too - but I haven't seen any) that have patterns painted on them??? I have admired some of the patterns/nails and wished I was talented enough to decorate my nails that way.  Oh I have looked at stick ons at the drugstore - bling to add to your nails - but that wasn't quite the same.  I even bought and tried the "crackle" nail polish.  I never could get used to my nails looking like I had marked them up while doing the manicure.

The young salesgirl was quite enthusiastic about showing me how "nail stamps" work and doing one of my nails.  Of course I didn't ask for flowers and bows I wanted something "oriental".  After much hunting and pecking she found some oriental lettering and proceeded to demonstrate how "easy" it was to use.  She even got me to try it .. and after a couple of false starts I did manage to transfer the pattern from the silver disk to my thumb nail.  

W was watching intently and suggested I buy the kit.  I was sorely tempted - BUT - come on - we all know how easy it is to do your nails with your right hand (left if you are a lefty) and how damn difficult it is to do the opposite hand.  I figured I would buy the kit and do my left hand ok - but never master the opposite hand.  

W was all gung-ho - the salesgirl just quietly cheered me on - telling me it really wasn't that difficult.  So - after much thought - and some persuasion I decided to buy a kit.  W haggled a bit with the girl and got her to empty one of the starter kits and add the silver plates I wanted (one oriental - one multi-patterned flowers and ribbons and bows and one Christmas one - snowmen and Christmas trees etc) as well as adding the nail polish colours I wanted (red and black) 

Now I have to admit I was excited and wanted to try stenciling my nails the minute we got back to the room.  However - my logical side won out.  IF I screwed it up - I didn't have nail polish remover - so the package was tucked away until I got home.

Yesterday I couldn't wait any longer.  

Out came the package............. 

And the nail polish remover..............And I started.......

If you look closely in the above picture you will see the silver plates.  Each plate has 7 different patterns to choose from...... See the flat pink rectangle in the picture - that is the scrapper - see the round pink plunger sort of thing?? that's the stamper.

Ok - so here's what you do....... 

You pick a pattern and cover it with the thick nail polish - then you use the scrapper to scrap off the excess polish and at the same time fill the grooves of the pattern.  Then you quickly (operative word being QUICKLY) stamp the pattern with the stamper and immediately transfer the pattern to your freshly manicured/painted nails.

I learned pretty damn quickly if you don't move fast - it doesn't work ....... and if it doesn't work properly you have to remove the pattern - which removes the nail polish/manicure and you have to start from the beginning ................. 

Needless to say - it took me a couple of hours to actually get the hang of it........ sort of.

I didn't pick any pattern as advanced as the one I posted at the top............ but hopefully I will work up to multi-coloured patterned nails........... 

For the time being ......... this is what I accomplished with my "nail stamp kit" 

Am I talented or what???   (no comments from the peanut gallery )

Monday, August 20, 2012


We had an amazing weekend!! 

And the funniest thing happens when it is all so good - my heart becomes full and the words don't / can't seem to flow.  I know deep down inside the words I have will not come close to describing what I felt / experienced...... the love the longing the total complete happiness..........

and most of what we did was pretty mundane - touristy stuff.......... we shopped (wait till I show you / tell you what I bought) .... we did sight seeing ....... we went on an amphibian bus (bit disappointing actually) .......... and we did "depraved" sexy stuff locked up in our hotel room on the top floor of the hotel...............

 He handcuffed me and beat my ass Friday night - high up in the hotel room - locked away from the world........... 

On Saturday morning - very very early - before most anyone was up and about........ W had me standing stark naked arms spread wide - pressed against our hotel window....... my face was blushing red - my heart was pounding - he was taking pictures - he had me turn around and shot shots of the front of me - and it felt just so depraved and wicked - and .................... 
delightfully fun and sexy. 

Turning around.. looking at W standing naked with the camera in hand - phewwwwwww - there just aren't any words to describe the happiness I felt in that split second moment.
He beat my ass and gave me an orgasm - just before we left the hotel room for the last time to meet friends for brunch on Sunday - and it felt depraved and wickedly sinful - and sexy......... especially sitting in the restaurant discussing world affairs - knowing my ass was red and striped and hot - and my juices were puddled in my pants - and I could smell myself........... 

Yup definitely depraved and wickedly sinful - and ohhhhhhh so much fun.  

one word describes it all - A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Where in the World???

We are off again (yeah yeah I know we are always "off) - but seriously we packed up and headed off yesterday into the great beyond................. 

Where is "waldo"????

 Trust me we are having GREAT fun !!

And I'll tell you all about it come Monday................

Friday, August 17, 2012

Follow the dream

My dream - for over 30 years - has been to retire in Kingston.  I have some very non-politically correct reasons for wanting to live in Kingston - the reasons I publicly give are - 1) it is much cheaper to live there 2) it is (believe it or not) Canada's #1 city to retire to 3) the winters are milder  - well you get the picture.

But no matter how good it will be WHEN it happens - there are mountains of challenges before that day comes.  W has been facing these mountains ahead of me - trail blazing you might say............. 

My lil house went on the market this week - and my challenges begin...... I discovered I have to proof read every single thing my agent puts out there on the net - cause she is making mistakes....... and not good ones.  I think I emailed her 3 times yesterday and had one phone conversation.  For example she lumped all my condo expenses in one amount which looks HUGE compared to the other townhouses on the market - their agents split the fees/charges under sub headings - so now my lil townhouse looks like it has the most expenses per year going ..... (le sigh) that is supposed to be corrected ASAP.

Then apparently the government or the real estate board - or maybe even the surveyors of the province have said to sell a house/townhouse/condo you must have a RECENT certificate of location - in other words a survey done of your land.  For some reason I never got one when I bought this place - of course I didn't know about all these requirements - and I guess my agent ignored it - or didn't know.......... 

Well I do understand if you own property - you might have put a fence up that infringes on your neighbour's land - or vise versa - however in my case the land boundaries do NOT change - can NOT change.  So I have been questioning this certificate.  Yesterday I bit the bullet and called a survey company.  Thank god the girl who answered the phone 1) spoke English and 2) took sympathy on me.  After some work on her part she called me back to tell me they couldn't do the survey.  Why you ask??? Because for some reason the original survey done back in 1970 can't be found in the public domain..... therefore I have to go back to the original man who did the original survey... confused yet??? Well to make things really interesting - he's dead.

This girl at the survey office I called told me not to panic - she had looked up the man who bought the business from him and would still have the original survey.  (she was my bright spot of sunshine yesterday !!)  I called him only to get an answering machine.

These are all challenges I hadn't anticipated.

The ones I had anticipated I had already worked out solutions to....... ya know me - I have to be prepared !!!

The biggest challenge I could see - was selling my townhouse BEFORE the end of June next year when I will retire and move to Kingston.......... and that is a strong possibility.

Buffalo asked yesterday in the comment section what would happen then??? 

Well........ I am very lucky - W will be in Kingston with a big ole house waiting for furniture - so I will ship all the furniture that is going up to him.  I will pack up my clothes and necessities and move into my eldest daughter's house (a kind of switch on the kids moving back home to Mom and Dad) She has a lovely big 4 bedroom home down the street (more or less) from me - closer to school (believe it or not) and I will camp out in her spare bedroom till I finish work in June.

It would seem those challenges - the ones I could think of - are the easy ones - it's the one's that keep cropping up now that are proving to be the more difficult / stressful ones.  

But I have always believed that anything worth having is worth working hard for...... and living with W in our new chosen city is (in my mind) worth working hard for.. so I will roll up my sleeves and just get it done............... 

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Just another day in Paradise

It's Thursday - the sun is shining - and the holidays are fast coming to an end..... 

This morning I have already contacted my real estate agent with a small suggestion/complaint about the listing - and W pointed out to me I made a typo........ I went to FL (why oh why do I go there?? it just makes my blood boil) and tried to post something in french - and probably made more than one typo - I contacted City Hall - and am holding my breath.............

So I have made an administrative decision..........

I think I am gonna take that second cup of coffee W suggested I needed - and my Kobo - and go curl up outside under my lil red umbrella in the glorious sunshine ....... 

If you came looking for words of wisdom - or humour - or a rant here today - sorry - none available - I am basically hanging a sign on the blog that says: 


Wednesday, August 15, 2012


I was sitting here at my desk this morning - drinking my first cup of coffee for the day - feeling frustrated and tired and worried and discouraged - when I looked at the calendar and realized I am really down to the wire here - 7 days left till I return to work.

I had great plans for the summer break - and I am not entirely sure I met them.  

I had planned to have my car serviced - done.
I had planned on helping W find a house - done.
I had planned on putting my house on the market - done.
I had planned to get rid of the clutter - the stuff not being moved - almost done.
I had planned on getting my eyes checked and new glasses ordered - not done.
I had planned on more coffees with drakor - not done
I had planned on helping W get ready for his move - not done 
I had planned on spending quality time in my secret garden reading - done

I will not make excuses for the things not done - there is no excuse.  (something my mom always said - "there are no excuses")  I try to convince myself I did indeed get a lot done on my list of "to do's" - but unless I complete a list - I feel like I have failed.

AND truth be told I am worried about W - he is so overwhelmed by his list of "to do's".  I honestly don't know what to do to help him.  I would move in there like a whirl wind and toss everything out - or take it to the Sally Ann - but W has to go through every box - read everything - see everything - before he decides what goes where. 

 I didn't understand that until 3 this morning (missy woke me at that ungodly hour - barfing up hair balls all over my bed !!) I realized W is basically cleaning out his family home.  It isn't just HIS house !!  It was the house his parents lived in for over 50 years.  When I (and my brother) cleaned out my mom's house - we too had to go through everything - and I remember sitting on the floor reading love notes from my dad to her that she had kept - and crying.  

So yeah I get that W has to go through everything and read - and look - and remember.  It is - as well - a form of closure for him.  Saying goodbye to all that he has known for 50+ years.  And yeah only He can do that............... 

And so here I sit with 7 days left before I go back to work - trying to work up the energy to wash all the bedding with the hairballs - get my ass out the door to run messages - and maybe tackle the next room on my list of "have to clean before I move " and still worrying a little bit about W - and wishing I could just wave a magic fairy wand and make it all right for him.  

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


Yesterday was a day of memories for me........... 

I remembered one of the first munches I ever attended - some 13 plus years ago - and I was remembering a Dom and his slave that I met.  Even back then this Dom was trying to invent a "better mouse trap"  He had come up with a remote controlled vibrator.  He was demonstrating how he had "hot wired" a garage door opener to a bullet vibrator that his slave was wearing......... and how if he pushed this button it turned the bullet on.. we all watched as from across the room she jumped - giggled - looked at him and all of us watching her and blushed.  AND I remember W toying with her - laughing - as he pulled his automatic car starter out of his pocket and made a big show of pushing the button.  No one expected anything to happen - especially W.  Imagine our surprise when she jumped looked shocked - and W nearly dropped the starter.  We all had a good laugh - turns out the two remote devices shared a common wave length.

The one thing that stands out most in my mind about this Dom - was his frustration with the poor quality toys available........ and the high price.  He set about teaching himself how to make paddles (I purchased one of his first paddles engraved with the BDSM symbol for W one Christmas - it is one of the few paddles that has NOT broken on my ass!)  He taught himself how to use a whip......... and worked hard learning about balance and weight and counter weights........ he taught himself how to braid beautiful leather handles - he taught himself how to make amazing floggers and whips.  He had a small home based business.  

Then he and his slave started going to 'conventions' in Toronto - in Ottawa - and then venturing down to the States with their whips and paddles and floggers.  He started selling more and more - and making a name for himself.  His toys were known for the quality of  workmanship - and leather.  He became known as an honorable man - a man of character - a man of his word.  And his business grew.

He became the "Whipmaker".

We would bump into him from time to time at events - we bought one of his whips.  He started to teach his slave how to create the whips......... how to make HIS whips - quality whips.  

Then he left her - moved on.  She was devastated.  But he would return to their house and the workshop to teach her more....... to help her...... to encourage her.  He wasn't going to make whips anymore.  But he wanted his quality /high standard of whips to continue...... and who better to hand off the business to - than his slave..... albeit EX slave.

Then we heard he had cancer.  And he was devoting himself to that battle with all the guts and determination he had used to build his whip business.

We still bumped into him occasionally at events - with his shunt in his arm - and his yellow skin - and his smile.  Always a smile.

W and I saw him about a month ago at an event.  He looked thin - emaciated actually - but still He smiled and chatted with people.  The shunt was gone from his arm - and whispered rumours said there was nothing the doctors could do anymore.

This man whom I have known for over 13 years died Sunday evening ............ having fought this last battle with all the determination and strength he had.  He was a good man......... and I am proud to have known him.  He will live on in our paddles and floggers and our whip.  He will live on in the community and be remembered.  

I like to think - that wherever he is - he is smiling that smile of his - and teaching newbies about whips and floggers and paddles - oh my !

R.I.P. Maitre Andre

Monday, August 13, 2012

The Beginning of the beginning

Yesterday I went over to W's.  We had plans to meet with friends this morning for breakfast - and it just made sense for me to be there for the night - rather than fight the traffic on the bridges this morning.

We had a wonderful breakfast and visit...... and then I toddled on home.  Difference between this trip home and the last one where I got lost - W lead the way.  He had some messages to run over here - and god bless him - he decided it was a good idea to do them this morning so he could lead the lost sheep home.  

I left him on the highway and turned off to come home.  When I turned the corner onto my street there was this on the front lawn...............

I shouldn't have been surprised - I knew it was going to happen - but even knowing I had a moment ...........

Ya see - I spent last week "interviewing" real estate agents.  All I can say is thank god for "google".  I had no idea what sort of questions to ask - but google does indeed cover anything.  

So I interviewed agents.  One agent in particular lost my vote pretty earlier on.  Part of it was his attitude towards me........ I couldn't know anything about the real estate market was his first mistake........ and then showing me past sales that were really low and trying to convince me I couldn't get much more??? something didn't ring true (it turned out I was right - cause when I looked at the print outs later I discovered the really low ones had been repossessions or were listed as "needing work" or "having some water damage". )  

BUT the major mistake he made was telling me my house needed to "be staged" because it was terribly cluttered and wouldn't show well.  That's about the time I showed him the door. 

You see - my house is anything but cluttered.  I guess you could say I am a minimalist.  It honestly scared me what 'clutter' he was gonna get rid of.......... my living furniture?? my desk in the office??? 

Anyway - I settled on a team of 3 women - who loved my lil house - who didn't think it was cluttered one little bit - and who actually said it should be listed for about $10,000 more than I thought.  (we compromised and listed it for $5,000 more than I thought - still think - I will get for it) 

And so I signed the papers on Friday ........ and today there was the sign - big as life - announcing to me that I am indeed selling and moving....... the beginning of a brand new beginning.

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