Friday, November 30, 2018

AND so it begins....

Last night was decorate the house for Christmas night.

It seemed like a good idea a week ago.

But on Tuesday pulling the lil one's hat on before we rushed out to catch the bus... I pulled something in my back.  I could hardly breathe.  I spent Wednesday on the sofa trying to find a comfortable position and swallowing pain pills.

BUT by Thursday it was feeling much much better soooooooooo let's decorate.

before I will decorate any house it has to be cleaned... and I had been noticing dust webs on the walls and high up in the corners.  Out came the mop and all morning I dusted the walls and ceilings.

Then because decorating shouldn't be about waiting for boxes of decorations I went downstairs and dragged up all the Christmas boxes.

By 4pm everything was ready ...... even 'Daddy' came home early from work to pitch in.

By 5:00 I could feel the muscles in my back screaming at me........ by 5:05 I was just about prone on the sofa.  Sir Steve helped me make a "TV dinner" and we ate while we watched the "Troll Holiday" movie.  

As the lil one was getting ready for bed she declared 'this is gonna be the BEST Christmas EVER! '

Life is good when it's gonna be 'the best Christmas ever!'

Thursday, November 29, 2018

Through His Eyes

This morning over on When the Storm Whispers to the Wind -- Windy was talking about how Storm sees her.

This is - for me - an ongoing struggle........ how Sir Steve sees me.... like why oh why does he want to be with me -- I'm old -- and nothing - NOTHING - like the women who came before me.  I look in the mirror and see such an old lady - wrinkles and sagging body bits.....  and with aging comes the dreaded health problems -- and I wonder over and over why he would want to be saddled with me........ 

He works hard with long days/weeks.  He's exhausted when he gets home and more often than not falls asleep in his chair after the lil one is in bed.  I spend my evenings feeling alone and ignored and then the negative self talk starts .... 

AND yet I wear his engagement ring on my left hand... I know he wants me in his life for ever and ever.  

I wish I could see myself through his eyes I really do!!  I know I am a good housekeeper and cook and stepmother -- but I don't know I am a sensual woman........ he keeps telling me I am ....... I just don't see it...... it makes me insecure and sad.  

 (this was a whole lot tougher to write than I thought....... )

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

"Virginia There's No Santa Claus"

Tomorrow night is the Great Adventure of Christmas decorating with the lil one.  I am probably more excited than she is!!  I went out shopping today to pick up fun foods to eat while we decorate.  #1 on the list was a Vachon Yule Log..............

It's been a family tradition for years!!  It wasn't Christmas until the Vachon Yule Log was on the table. 

There was NONE!

The Vachon delivery guy just happened to be there....... so I asked him when they would be arriving.  He said no traditional Yule Log in Ontario this year..... instead he pointed out something that resembled a jelly roll.  WTF??!!!  NO NO NO that's not Christmas !!!

I feel like someone just told me there's no Santa Claus......... this can't be happening -- it can't be!!!

How will Christmas come without the Yule Log???!!

I am inconsolable

I bought Christmas sugar cookies instead.  


Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Pat Myself on the Back

(which is something I rarely do)

I realized this morning I am a good stepmom!  It's not easy (or natural for me) to admit I do something well.... but being a stepmom -- yeah I got that covered!  

Mind you I had lots of practice being a Mom to my own two daughters... learned from my mistakes (I hope)........ and now I have a whole slew of tricks up my sleeve to make life run a little easier.  

I remember my own Mom saying that having a child later in life helps keep you young.  And I do believe she's right.  I am relearning what the cool toys are -- that Sesame Street has changed .... that Santa still lives.... that "I love you" sounds just as sweet as it always did........ 

AND I am learning new hairstyles -- that get done on one cup of coffee before the sun is up -- 

BUT so worth it when the lil one checks the style out in the mirror and declares "I LOVE IT S!!" 

Don't get me wrong -- it's not all sunshine and lollipops......... some days I wonder what the hell I got myself into........ some days I shed a tear or two and longingly remember my freedom days........ but all in all being a stepmom is a good thing....... gaining a 'bonus' child so to speak.

And as I sit here I realize I did something very right with my daughters.... they love and accept both Sir Steve and his lil one as part of the family with no question and no jealousy.

Life is very good when a family comes together.......... 


Monday, November 26, 2018

Busy Weekend

We had such a busy weekend....... 

On Saturday we drove down to youngest daughter's house to celebrate the 9th birthday of the youngest grandson.... on the way we stopped at my old school to pop into their Craft Fair (nothing worth buying)........ got home late ... exhausted.

Sunday we had messages to run and wanted to run up to the campground to check on the trailer and pick up the travel crate for the dog....... then shopping ... then home in time to watch the Grey Cup Game (Canadian football league)  We had a feast of Chinese food...........

enjoyed the game even though our team didn't win........ and fell into bed late.

No time or energy for 'adult time' (see me pout?!)  BUT Sir Steve did come home on Friday with this surprise for me............ 

It's been a long time since I had a Christmas poinsettia to adorn the house...... and it lifted my spirits.... didn't make up for missed adult time though (cheeky grin)

I think I vaguely remember why Christmas is both the best of times and the worst of times... so so many things to do -- celebrations to celebrate -- and exhaustion ....... it seems to kinda take over our lives leaving little energy/time for ourselves..........


I honestly wouldn't have it any other way !


Saturday, November 24, 2018

Just Life

This isn't what I had in mind when I came to post this morning........ BUT I have been thinking about some of the people who have come through my life...... and realizing why they got left behind...... (well some of them)

I have noticed so many people give up on life -- are negative -- are sad and alone.  Someone once said to me 'why is it everyone you meet seem to like you and talk to you and confide in you?'   I really didn't know the answer at the time.  I am a good listener and sympathetic....maybe that's why?? 

Or maybe it's that I have always refused to give up on life...... on loving and happiness.  Maybe I realized some time ago - that all that happiness and love we were all looking for out there - is really inside us.  It took me awhile to figure that out... but when I did.......... shrug.... well life just got better ya know?  I wasn't running after some illusive dream......... 

I also realized a while back that people who thrive (or seem to thrive) on drama can not have any space in my life.  Drama is negative ......... and is usually of your own doing......... you can't do anything about what people say about you but you can control how you react to it............ OH and yes I know ... I still can react !!! But I am working on it... never said I was perfect or that I had mastered this happy life philosophy....... but I AM working on it...... 

Life is good when you remember YOU make life worth living -- no one else.

Thursday, November 22, 2018

And so it starts........

And yes I know it's early!!!

I think I am in the holiday spirit early because we have snow........ and it's cold.... and the world looks Christmasy...... 

Or maybe the truth is...... I just love the holidays SO VERY much that I couldn't wait !!

We don't have the lil one on weekends anymore....... which is sad during the holidays.   This time last year we were planning our attendance at the great tree lighting ceremony in town.........  and we were planning tree decorating and house decorating........ 
This year it's more of a challenge seeing as she goes to her Mom's on Friday and doesn't come back till Monday afternoon so all we have to work with are "school nights".

Sir Steve and I discussed it .......... and decided that we could do some events during the week -- even if it meant the lil one went to bed a little bit later....... 

So last evening when Sir Steve got home from work we took the lil one to see the new Grinch movie..................

It was fantastic!!  (I never did like the Jim Carey version) ... The lil one snuggled in her seat between her father and I and we all giggled and even belly laughed our way through it...... After the movie we bundled up (god it was cold!!) and went to McDonald's for dinner (a real treat cause we almost never eat 'junk' food) ...... and then home and to bed.

This morning she jumped out of bed and told me she had dreamed of the Grinch all night.  (made me smile) 

I think I will be 'decorating' The Journey for the holidays in the next few days.. and as has been my custom for many years I will try to post every day during Advent.... lots of vanilla stuff -- maybe even a cookie recipe or 
two ......... 

(which makes me remember -- Downunder Dreaming has a blog entry up concerning the annual Great Cookie Exchange.  Unfortunately for some strange reason I can't open it -- sad face -- but if anyone else can get in you'll probably be able to get the details)

Life is especially good when the holidays arrive and you can share the excitement and magic with family and friends!!

Tuesday, November 20, 2018


I have a confession to make........ LOL days made me feel a little bit like a fraud.  

I used to believe that to have a BDSM blog the only thing that I could write about was BDSM activities that I took part in......... and in all fairness I probably gave my ex a hard time when the BDSM activities dropped off -- 'cause WHAT was I gonna write about ??!!!

More than a few times I pulled my blog down........ it was more vanilla than anything else.....I felt like a fraud.

Over time -- especially since moving here to Sir Steve -- I realized a large part of BDSM is not sexy or hot.  It's about tasks and organisation and cooperation and communication.  It's about every day life....... and every day life can be damn boring!  But it's's not a fantasy .. and we're not stressed trying to create a fantasy life.


every so often -- in between homework and kids and cleaning and running messages and balancing budgets......... we slip in some fun play time.  My best stress reliever.  

Play time happened Saturday night......... I wasn't feeling all that 'sexy'... but Sir Steve said he had just the cure for that............. 

I laid on my belly on the bed - naked -- and Sir Steve carved pretty patterns up and down my back -- down my legs and even between my legs.  Knife play is so sensual (for me) and a big turn on for both of us.

Later - much later -- we snuggled up together to sleep and my back burned hot...... the track marks glowing red in the dark........ my needs met .....

Life is good when you live an authentically ...........  

Monday, November 19, 2018


 Seriously thank you !!!

When I wrote my 2 blog entries for LOL days I really thought my readers/quiet visitors would roll their eyes and be put off leaving a comment....... the games seemed a little silly -- but then -- if you know me -- you'd know I'm a whole lot silly (cheeky grin)

 On the language challenge I had Gaelic, Spanish, French, German, Hungarian, Japanese, Maori  -- AND -- one very clever commenter wrote in pig latin!  I had no idea what language it was (when I read it) so went for the easy peasy translator -- which identified the language as English!!  I shook my head -- English??!!  Then I read the words and realized 'pig latin'... very clever!!!

On the second challenge -- where are you from -- there were no real surprises -- lots from Canada ... and the States.... Australia, New Zealand and the UK. The world really is quite small thanks to the internet.

I also would like to thank Hermoine for once again hosting/encouraging us bloggers to participate in the LOL days.... well done Hermoine!!

It was a busy weekend of LOL'ing......... but Sir Steve and I managed to find some time for each other...... but more on that tomorrow I think.

Sunday, November 18, 2018

Sunday Sentiments

The LOL days got me thinking about all the friends I have made over the years of blogging.......  And reading your blog entries showed me we are all making friends -- some we email with -- some we message with -- some we actually meet.  So it seemed appropriate to me to post this.........


to all my 'internet' friends old and new........... 


Saturday, November 17, 2018

Let's Play the LOL game (part 2)

I don't know about you -- but when I go round blogland and read the blogs I wonder where they live...... and from their words I create a whole world for them.... for example - if I think they are in Britain I picture a little thatched roof cottage and big gardens. (silly eh?)

When my lurkers come to read here I wonder where they are from....... maybe across the sea -- more likely from the States (I know I have a large number of readers from the States) BUT maybe they live around the corner....... or in the next city -- or down the highway from me....... OR across the ocean.

So today I am hoping some of you lurkers will leave a country of origin.  You don't have to leave any details (like city or street -- dear god NO!!)  just your country..... It would be fun to see how international my readership is........... wouldn't you like to know where some of the readers/lurkers come from?? or am I the only one?

Let me start............ I am from Canada......... from Ontario to be exact :)  Your turn!

Friday, November 16, 2018

Let's Play the LOL game........

(edited -- OH LORD!!  I didn't mean everyone HAD to leave a comment in another language -- it was just a suggestion -- le sigh -- there's never any pressure on The Journey to comment in any language!!)

Today's the day.................. the start of LOL day XIII 

the purpose of the two days (today and tomorrow) is to try and encourage our lurkers - those that come by to read but never leave a comment - to come out of the shadows and leave a little message.

First thing my lurkers need to know is I have removed moderation for these two days AND you can comment without a google account -- or without using your google account -- and comment as 'Anonymous" 

Second thing dear lurkers is....... we're gonna play a little game over the next two days... Today is 'languages'.  Why not comment in a second language ?? OR your first language if you want (grinning) 

I'll start............ 

 Je vais essayer d'écrire un peu de français ... (ma deuxième langue - je ne parle pas couramment )

Bienvenue dans The Journey ...... profitez des journées LOL ... et n'oubliez pas de laisser un petit commentaire

Thursday, November 15, 2018


How many of you have seen / heard of the latest craze in toys called LOL dolls.  The lil one got some for her birthday.  Basically they are dolls in an ball - wrapped in layers of vacuum packed plastic........ just SO much fun to try and open!!!

This morning I was thinking LOL dolls are a little bit like our "LOL days" here in blogland.  It is the process of trying to unwrap the layers of vacuum sealed plastic off our quiet lurkers....... and see if we can coax a few to come out and say 'hello'. 

Tomorrow is the start of LOL Days organised and monitored by Hermione over on Hermione's Heart.  I think I'm gonna play a little game for the two days and hope I can entice my LOL readers out to play..........

See ya'll tomorrow  and let's see if we can unwrap those plastic layers........ whatcha say??

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Back on Track

Life is back on track again around here......... Sir Steve seems to be over the bug... I am only suffering slightly from muscle cramping and nausea....  YAY !!

I do have some shocking news .......... surprisingly shocking... good shocking...

A couple of weeks ago when we were at the craft fairs.... we ran into the lil one, her mother and grandmother.  The grandmother came over to speak with Sir Steve.  Both of us held our breathe expecting some drama.  

BUT No .... she wanted to ask our advise about buying the lil one a tutu for Christmas..... WOW..... 2 important things about that... 1) it's actually a 'good' Christmas present compared to the stuffies and useless stuff they usually buy her... and 2) they asked us !!!

 BUT wait it gets better.......... 

On Sunday night Sir Steve received an email from the mother (only contact between mother and father is by email by court order) asking if the grandmother could drop off the tutu and dance bag on Monday........ an early Christmas present.
Sir Steve explained he wouldn't be here but that I would be........... 

I was a little stressed about facing the grandmother on Monday afternoon..... BUT shock shock she was absolutely pleasant to me when she arrived. Of course I did go on and on about what a great gift it was for the lil one.... and how clever she was to think of it.... (I was so sweet and sugary it almost made me gag) BUT it was worth it... she actually chuckled with me - fussed over the dog -- and was more than civil.  First time in 2 years !!!!  Maybe I am not the 'Scarlet Letter Woman' anymore??? maybe I've been upgraded a little bit??? 

Whatever !!  BUT maybe there's hope of there being a little more civilized relationship between the 2 families ?? 

Life is good when there's hope that family feuds might end............

Monday, November 12, 2018

Worst of Times - the Best of Times

This weekend really was the worst of times....... 

Saturday Sir Steve and I had plans - shopping then lunch out and a movie........ BUT when I woke up Saturday morning I felt sooooooo bloody sick.  I had a headache and my muscles hurt so badly .. I was nauseated .... and couldn't face the thought of budging off the sofa.  I cried.  I felt I was letting him down.... and I was scared.. what the hell was wrong with me??!!

I was hot ... I was cold.  If I moved my muscles trembled.  If I got up to walk I was dizzy and thought I was gonna throw up.  

I sipped juice and slept 

By Saturday night I was worse... if that's possible.  I was throwing up........ well retching and feeling like I was gonna tear my innards out.   

I was so scared........ what was wrong with me?  This wasn't like any gastro bug I have ever had........ 

My sleep Saturday night was like a giant nightmare... I remember being feverish then cold..... tossing and turning because my body hurt so badly.... 

Sunday morning I woke feeling like I had been pulled through a wringer.  I still had the nausea and achy muscles but not nearly as bad on Saturday.  It was another quiet day on the sofa.  Sir Steve and I watched football games......... and he fetched juice for me when I wanted/needed it.  By dinner time I was feeling improved.... Sir Steve suggested an ordered in dinner.  My brain went YES PLEASE!!!  but after I ate my stomach said "WTF were you thinking??" but I managed to keep it down.

When we went to bed he wrapped his arms around me like always and grabbed a breast (his security blanket - grinning) and I drifted off to sleep thankful I have a man who refuses to leave my side even when I am sick..... who doesn't leave me alone with the scary thoughts that rise up in the 
dark ....

This morning my symptoms have leveled off...... still have the nausea and achy muscles but my brain is clear.  I am sane enough to know I am not dying.... and 99% sure these are just more of the withdrawal symptoms  -- JUST!  

Life is good when your man doesn't leave you alone when you are down for the count!  

Sunday, November 11, 2018


This is Memorial Hall in the Canadian War Museum in Ottawa.

At 11:00 am on the 11th of November the sun streams through the window illuminating the headstone from the grave of Canada's Unknown soldier.

Lest we forget ........... 

Friday, November 09, 2018


I have always had schedules......... from when I was young to the present day.  I love my schedules -- not necessarily what is on them -- BUT schedules keep my life ordered and give me some sense of control over my daily life.  

Living by a schedule can have it's down side........ like when someone outside my head adds something to my schedule - for example a doctor's appointment.  Grrrr it really does raise my stress levels.

I loved it when I lived alone -- cause my schedules were mine and didn't have to take into consideration anyone else's schedules.....though I did still have to deal with unexpected interruptions for outside things.

One of the things I took into consideration before I moved here to live with Sir Steve was the obvious shift to my personal schedule.  But I adapted and even managed to incorporate his schedule and the lil one's schedule into mine -- making it my schedule.  

Now my weekly schedule looks pretty much like this..........

For the lil one with mild adjustments on Friday and Monday......

                            Breakfast and ready for school from 6:15 to 7:45
                            Pick up from the bus at 2:45
                           Keep an eye on her till Sir Steve comes home 
                           and then make dinner

For me alone

                           Monday is laundry day
                           Tuesday is grocery shopping and running messages
                           Wednesday is baking day
                           Thursday is cleaning day


Friday is my day........ once the lil one gets on the bus in the morning the rest of the day is all for me.  Most Fridays I give myself a manicure and shower and just pamper myself.  The best part about Friday is - I never have to look at a clock !  I can sit on my ass ..... binge watch movies.... eat bon-bons 

The weekends have no real schedule -- I just go along with whatever Sir Steve's schedule is....... and what he has planned.

I was thinking today as I painted my nails how much I love my schedules.  How accomplished I feel by Friday -- all my tasks done.  I realize I am a very contented submissive.  

Life is good when I follow my schedules

Wednesday, November 07, 2018

On Being Submissive

I've been celebrating my submissiveness for over 25 years.  For most of those years the image I had in my head looked pretty much like the picture above...... both literally and figuratively..... on a leash - under someone's control.

There was a 'way of behaving'... there were protocols... I learned to be quiet and invisible.


Sir Steve came back into my life and showed me (reprogrammed me) that submissive doesn't -- really does NOT mean -- doormat!  and it's much more than a leash and spankings and sex.

There are still moments where I miss the fantasy world of submission that I created... but then I realize this ... THIS... is way more realistic and do-able.

and thank god for that !!  because the struggles I am having these days would destroy me ....... I am far far from being the 'good submissive' my fantasy world required.  

I realized on the weekend I am 'snappish' and impatient and cranky. Not all the time -- but more (much more) than usual.  Last night I stepped over the dog's feet one too many times and yipped at her to get on her bed -- that I was tired of falling over her........ the lil one came out to have her hair brushed before bed ... and she had gotten something in her hair and it was gummy and hard to brush -- and I snapped at her......... Then I snapped at Sir Steve over the lil one's bedtime....... then I went outside to have a cigarette and cool down.

When I came back in I apologized ....... Sir Steve got up and came and wrapped his arms around me.... he whispered in my ear that he got it...... I wasn't responsible for these moods....... that he had my back and we'd get through this together... 

It made me cry  (well I kinda cry over everything these days)  

BUT this is more D/s than any other relationship I have ever had.  I believe no matter what Sir Steve will help me through it......... he does have my back -- he will protect me -- support me -- be there for me.

Life is good when the reality is much better than the fantasy.

Monday, November 05, 2018

It's Early ........ BUT.....

Please don't anyone shoot me!!  I know... KNOW... there's almost 2 months till Christmas and I know ...KNOW.... that Remembrance Day is still coming and I know.. KNOW.... that my American friends still have their Thanksgiving to celebrate...... 


I am virtually finished my Christmas shopping !!  Sir Steve and I had so much fun at the Craft fairs on the weekend.  We went to the Trunk Sale on Saturday -- in the pouring rain..... it is held at an Orchard..... and we landed up parking in the back 40..... there was mud up to my ankles everywhere!! Thankfully they had volunteers in golf carts ferrying folks back and forth.  I picked up a couple of one of kind gifts that had me doing the happy elf dance all around the greenhouses.  Then on Sunday there was the Heritage Craft Sale at the local Civic Center and we went to that too....... like last year it was mostly a disappointment -- BUT we did pick up a couple of cute gifts - one for the teacher and one for the bus driver.

On Sunday morning before we headed out -- Sir Steve took me back to bed and we had some adult snuggle time ...... I LOVE sex in the morning and it just doesn't happen enough -- so it was pretty damn special !!

Today I headed out to pick up some groceries and landed up at the drugstore (believe it or not - they carry some food essentials and always at a much lower price than the grocery stores) While I was there I wandered down their Christmas aisle.  My Christmases are always themed and this year is "nature".  I have been looking for (and thinking it was a mission impossible) to find wrapping paper that looks like birch bark.  I glanced at the wrapping paper and there ... lo and behold... was some wrapping paper that has birch bark trees running the length of it.  OMG!!  There I was doing the happy elf dance again. 

Why - I can hear you asking - do you do your shopping SO early??!!!  It started more than 40 years ago when I was pregnant with my first daughter.  The suggestion was made by my doctor that I do my shopping early .......... I was surprised how many neat things I found at ridiculously low prices because no one shops in October/November!!  The other thing I have learned is that the stores only stock their shelves once for the holidays... the best stuff is out in November and if you wait and go back in December it is gone......... like my birch bark wrapping paper .... I got the last 3 rolls and you can bet it won't reappear.

Life is good when Christmas starts to come together early!

Saturday, November 03, 2018

Bright Spot

Well we are on our 5th day of rain and gloom and just YUCK weather!  I am thinking we are making up for the gorgeous - no rain - summer we had.


There is a bright spot in all this gloom.  Last year Sir Steve took me to a local orchard that holds an annual "Trunk Sale".  Basically it's a showcase for all the local artisans to display and sell their Christmas 'stuff'.  We had the lil one last year -- so we didn't get to spend as much time as I would have liked....... today we are solo and I am SO looking forward to poking around and finding the unique lil Christmas 'thing' I just have to have to make Christmas perfect....... 

AND then

There is a Christmas shop that has opened for the season in the local mall and we're going there too !! 

and yes I know it's wayyyyyy too early for Christmas........ but I love Christmas -- there's something about it - the lights the sounds the joy that lifts my spirits....... 

Life is good when there is early Christmas shopping !!

Friday, November 02, 2018

Heads Up........

I was doing my morning blog reading this morning and Hermione's blog announced that the yearly LOL day is fast approaching -- from Friday November the 16th to Saturday November the 17th.

What is LOL?? I can hear you asking....... no I won't be writing a humorous post (or trying to) to make you all laugh out loud..... no no no.  

LOL stands for Love Our Lurkers.

There are many folks who stop by the blogs and read but shyly slip away without stopping to say "HI".  On the 16th and 17th we are encouraging you shy ones to stop for a sec and just leave a quick message...... We want to acknowledge the faithful readers who slip in and out.

OH and you don't need an alias/google account or whatever... you can simply leave a comment as "anonymous"  -- easy peasy (big grin)

So mark your calendars and get ready to celebrate our LOL day !!  I'm looking forward to hearing from you all !!

Thursday, November 01, 2018

Withdrawal Journal

Sixteen plus years ago I was going through menopause.... I absolutely refused to take hormone replacement therapy.  I only wanted to treat the symptoms individually -- as I needed it.

The only symptom I couldn't handle without meds was lack of sleep.  I was averaging 4 hours a night of broken sleep.... which does not make for a happy lady.  I also seemed to be suffering from more anxiety/panic attacks....... One pill could fix those problems.  I was desperate .... and the doctor was prescribing it so how bad could it be?

Turns out very bad.

As my new doctor explained - back 16 years ago the medical profession thought these pills were a miracle drug.  BUT after 16 years the medical profession had discovered these miracle pills caused serious problems in older people..... like forgetfulness and falls and could possibly contribute to dementia and/or Alzheimer's.

Time for me to come off them. 

So a month ago I started a slow decrease of the dosage under my doctor's watchful eye.  About two weeks ago I went on line to research withdrawal symptoms.  My doctor had warned me that after 16 years of daily doses of this medication the withdrawal process could be hard but I didn't ask what withdrawal could look like.  Yeah well ....... I was either dying or I was suffering from withdrawal..... best to check.

I was having heart palpitations and my heart rate was elevated and I had a low grade headache...OH and lets not forget the muscle pain in my arms back - all over actually .... that was after a week on just 1/8th reduction of my prescription.  

This week my dosage has been lowered by 1/4.... the heart palpitations are gone -- but the heart rate is still mildly elevated...... now I am nauseated and the low grade headache is with me constantly.  Yesterday I realized the anxiety was back full force.  I had to go out to run some messages but could barely face going out the door -- the house feels nice and safe ya know?  I gave myself a talking to...... 'get your ass out the door ... you can do this.... you'll feel better for going out'.

And I did - feel better.  BUT when I got to the drugstore and ran into problems with my prescription I panicked ..... coming home my hands were shaking.. I was close to tears... I didn't have a clue what to do.  It was a living nightmare.

Fortunately -- there is a part of my brain - the sane part - that started talking to me -- started being logical - sorting out the problem before I even got home.  Of course everything was sorted out -- wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined (though I have discovered another symptom of the withdrawal - memory lapses) 

On the positive side I am more determined than ever to get myself off these drugs!!  I am not questioning the decision to come off them -- I am not questioning whether I can do this or not....... I will beat this addiction!
I am going to post occasionally about this withdrawal process because it helps..... to say it out loud (so to speak) and keep a journal of my recovery process.

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