Wednesday, March 31, 2010

On being alone........

Slowly over the last few days it has occurred to me that i like being alone.

In the beginning of this new journey i was petrified of the long hours alone... what would i do???? And i worked late, later, latest to fill the evenings ... on the weekends i visited the kids - dragged eldest grandson out shopping for the day (ok ok so he had a blast and it wasn't any hardship for him to go shopping with granny!!) i cleaned - i did laundry - i rearranged stuff.. moved stuff.. hyperactive busy-ness.

The one thing i didn't do......... that i admit i have done in the past .. at the end of a relationship....... i did NOT go running to the fetlifes and kink.coms of the internet....... to munches and play parties.. and announce my "single-ness" . i did not post ads upon ads that i was looking for a play partner or a Master or anything for that matter. It wasn't because i didn't think of doing it.. cause i did........ but i realized i didn't want to.. i didn't want someone else in my life.... not now.. not yet.

i realized - unconsciously i guess - that i needed to find myself again. To (as i said the other day ) stand up straight and tall again. And i think i needed to enjoy my own company.

And i have arrived .. i do indeed enjoy my own company! What a massive break through for the lil girl who went from her father's house to her husband's house to her Mistress's house to her own place with others always around.

Now i just enjoy the fruits of my hard labour..... my lil home... and myself.

i realized i can wake in the middle of the night (yes yes i am still doing that - sigh) and wander around the house, put on lights, play on the pc... and have no one except myself to answer to. i can eat what i want when i want it.. like breakfast for supper and dinner at noon...

And when i want - i can reach out and there are friends there quite willing to chat or go out for a drink. In this big bad world i really am not alone... if i don't want to be.

i am feeling a whole lot less "angst" and pain and sadness from this uncollaring. i am slowly untangling the big ball of emotions and hurt and looking long and hard at the result.

OH ....... and remember that horrendous dream i had the other day?? where i couldn't wake up.. and was terrified ??? i figured it out.. at least i think i have...
you see i dreamed that someone was burning down my lil home...... my lil home that was my dream - no IS - my dream. i think the whole thing was tied to the pain i had over my other 'dream' - of being a collared submissive - of growing old with W .......... once i sorted it out.. the dream has not come back. AND i think, as i have come to realize that i am happy in my singleness, in my alone-ness i see that the dream has not been destroyed........only changed.

i am here to say........... being alone is a very good thing!! It is allowing me time to heal the wounds and find myself..... to know who i am and what i really want and need.

Yes being alone is a very good thing !!


oh and if you hadn't noticed - i have changed the title of the blog again........i rather like this choice - it clearly explains what part of this journey i am on.....i am discovering - like everything else in this life - it is not engraved in stone and i can change it and rearrange it - ad nauseum!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

thinking some

i have changed the name of the blog ........... again.

i am slowly realizing this is NOT a "lonely journey" - far from it. i never ever imagined when i started writing about my transition from collared to uncollared that i would have so many people reading / supporting/ offering advise and shoulders to lean on. So NO .. this is most definitely not a "lonely" journey !!!

So now it is The Journey - part 2... guess i wasn't very it may change again..........

For those of you who don't always go back and read comments, i encourage you to do it here........ the comments make for good reading...... the advise offered is amazing !!! the insights of other folks mind boggling..... and go to swan's blog, she has done a whole entry based on yesterday's post "a submissive is??" and well worth the read !!

You have all given me so much to think about........ my brain hurts from thinking. But i thank you....... i needed to have different approaches to the same subject.. i need to unwind the tangle of thoughts and put it all in perspective.

i will do that.

Monday, March 29, 2010

a submissive is?????

i used to call myself "submissive".

i used to know what a "submissive" was.. what a "submissive" looked like .. what a "submissive" did.. how a "submissive" behaved.

Now i don't know any more. i am confused.

A submissive doesn't question

A submissive obeys

A submissive puts her Master's needs/feelings first

A submissive doesn't argue

A submissive doesn't lie

In the beginning i was learning how to be a "submissive". i worked hard - very hard to be the very best i could be. In the beginning i wasn't owned.. nor did i own. i know that last bit may raise a few eyebrows.. but when a submissive is owned.. doesn't she also own - in a way - the Master. Shouldn't she hold his heart close to hers??? Shouldn't she care for him.. protect him.. love him too???

In the beginning i was just a casual play thing.. once or twice a month.. fairly regular evening training sessions on line.. morning journals... in the beginning.

Then slowly the relationship changed and it was once a week .. then weekends... then it felt like we were joined at the hip......... and there were vanilla activities.. and plans for the future.. for retirement.. for growing old together.

But somewhere in the middle there were things...."things"...... that hurt me. and i closed my eyes and grit my teeth and told myself i had to accept these things BECAUSE i was submissive.

i thought i had been clear... about my hard limits.. about my needs... i wanted only him.. i wanted him to want only me. monogomy is the word.

The worst thing i remember.. the most humiliating event ......, ropes brought to me to wash. Ropes soaked in menstrual blood .. blood that was not mine. and i washed them... because i was a good submissive and because he ordered me to. That is not to say i didn't throw a fit..... i did.. and then i chastised myself and beat myself up for not being a good submissive.

There were other events that cut me - worse than any carving he did to my skin... those healed.. the cuts to my heart didn't heal as well.. they left scars that hurt... but still i tried to be the best submissive......

and i laid there and took it all.. and told myself i was submissive and this was the lot of a submissive....

yet i could hear my grandmother's words echoing in my head... "you won't be a doormat for anyone - IF you refuse to lie down"

So now i am starting to stand up again.. tall and straight. And now i want to know.. am i no longer submissive???

i can see myself one day .. being a play thing for someone.. because i am a masochist and i will one day crave the pain again. (and NO despite some whispering in my ear - i will NOT become a Domme - been there .. done that.. got the Tshirt and threw it away) But i keep asking myself will i ever be "submissive" again??

And the answer keeps coming back NO ....... i can't ever lie down again.... i can't ever again become a doormat. And i think that makes me sad - despite how dumb that sounds - because there was something about being a "submissive" that felt so right deep inside me.

Can someone ..... anyone...... help me here?? please?? what IS a submissive??? can i ever get back there again???!!!


and yeah this is the second post today.... the one i have just written has been eating me up inside since Friday when that nasty hateful email arrived.. pointing out how bad a submissive i had been....... and the seeds of doubt were planted... and they have been growing and choking me..

someone please?? can i ever get back there again??

Satisfying Sunday

Yesterday morning bright and early - almost before the shops were open - i was in my car heading out. My old vacuum - which was NOT that old - but that had already been to the shop once for a broken belt - had a broken belt AGAIN! My choices were - replace the belt yet again - or go buy myself the cadillac of vacuums.

i bought myself the cadillac of vacuums............. a bright canary yellow Dyson!

no more bags.. no more loss of suction... and light?? my god !!! compared to the new old vacuum this thing was feather light!!

While i was looking at vacuums...... i saw the store had a sale on carpet/upholstery cleaners........ so i bought myself one of those too !!! A little mean green cleaning machine !!!

It took me forever to put the damn machines together......... i came close to despairing (especially on the mean green cleaning machine - as the stupid thing didn't really have any assembly instructions!!) But being the stubborn tough old bird i am - i stuck to it and finally TA! DA! i got them together and working (the working bit is important!!)

i didn't even stop for a celebratory cup of coffee.... i got right down to the business of vacuuming downstairs .. main level.. up the stairs.. and the top level. i had read reviews how well the dyson picked up dirt etc left by other vacuums.. but honestly thought it was a sales pitch. Well i am here to say........... it did !!! i could not believe how much dust and dirt it picked up from my relatively clean house !!! i had to empty the canister when i had finished the house !! My carpets looked brand new............ well almost brand new.

Now i wanted to shampoo the upholstery in the living room and the rugs in the basement and the rugs on the stairs. i will admit to a little trepidation - what if i made a soapy mess?? what if the damn thing didn't work ??? what if.............??? i stopped the self doubts and got cracking.. starting with the upholstery in the living room. i have a cream coloured sofa .. well it was cream coloured when i bought it. It was now more a greyish colour and over these last 3 weeks i have been thinking i would have to bring in an upholstery cleaner to get things bright again.

i am here to say that lil mean green cleaning machine got my sofa cream coloured again. And as i buried my face in the pillows i realized W's scent was gone. i hadn't realized how his scent was lingering in the house, until it was no longer here.

Anyway......... i continued on.. cleaning the rugs on the stairways, and in the basement........... and all the while i was humming a silly song (most of you probably won't even know) "i'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair" (which if anyone is interested - comes from the musical "South Pacific" - which ok ok is probably way before your time!!!)

While i was cleaning...... somewhere between the cushions for the sofa and rug in the kid's playroom i found something i thought i had lost forever...........

i found my cheekiness!!

yup.. there it was tucked away safely till i was ready to use it again........ it almost surprised me !! And i have a feeling i may have surprised a few bloggers as i left some rather cheeky comments on blogs...........

It's amazing what you can find when you aren't even looking for it..........

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

Yesterday was a "terrible horrible no good very bad day" (ever read the book??)

Actually it all started late Friday night when i was up wandering the house wishing i could sleep and came to check my emails....... and there it was.. the nasty horrible hurtful email full of lies and innuendos. (and before anyone jumps to conclusions - no it was NOT from W - though it concerned him)

i have never been able to accept lies - any lie. i have a burning need to make sure it is seen for what it is ...... a lie. i don't trust people who lie. i don't believe people who lie. and i have no respect for people who lie.

And i was angry as the lies in this email were blatantly obvious. So easy to prove ... so easy to see..... it made me angry!!!

if you are going to toy with me at least make it a challenge!!

So when i did finally wake up yesterday - i found i was edgy and angry and sad and spiteful.

i spent the day going between crying jags and angry temper tantrums. (these are the times i am very glad i live alone - i was so not a pretty sight yesterday - nor was i pleasant company)

i doubted every minute of the 9 years .......i questioned every little thing.. every little inconsistency.

It was indeed a "terrible horrible no good very bad day".............

Fortuntely today looks a little brighter.....i will close the door on liars and people who spew forth hate and try to damage my inner peace........... at least i will TRY!

i will get through this !!!

Friday, March 26, 2010

And now for something entirely different.....

Some of the kids in my niece's graduating class went to Africa to bring school supplies to a school there....... to help dig the foundation for an addition to the school....... to visit an orphanage... to sight see and virtually immerse themselves in the African culture for 14 days.

i have been viewing their pictures as they upload them. Most of the pictures are rather typical of 16/17 year olds, hamming for the camera, posed stiff pictures....... and lots of animal (as in monkey, giraffe, lioness) pictures. But there was one that took my breath away.......

The kids climbed Little Meru Peak - which took two days of climbing. At the summit one of the kids took this picture.

It spoke to something deep inside of me......... and made me proud.

i think the kid who snapped this picture has a future with National Geographic.

Thursday, March 25, 2010


i am so sleepy.......... it is ridiculous...........

not sleepy like a week or so ago..... when i was hiding in sleeping... this is more like drugged sleepy...... can't keep my eyes open sleepy.

Mind you i am having stupid crazy dreams that wake me up only a couple of hours after i have fallen asleep....... crazy dreams that i can't really wake up from......... ever have those??

The ones that are so real that when you wake up.. you are still caught in the tendrils of the dream and can't seem to break free???

i half wish mine were "wet" dreams ...... or happy ever after dreams......... but they aren't. They are awful terrible boogy man under the bed scary dreams. i wake up and turn on all the lights.. i come on the net and look for mind numbing stupid games that will bore me to sleep.........

Then the alarm goes off only a few hours after i have finally fallen into a numb sleep...... and i drag myself off to work..... and am dragging myself through the day.. watching the clock (even when i am home) for the witching hour to hit so i can fall into my bed.............. and i pray find some solace in sleep.

My bed used to be my safe haven...... it is turning out to be a bed of thorns.......

i am just so sleepy ...........

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Here and now........

Something weird happened over the last few days...... i am not sure when... i am not even sure why i found it today......... But all my fairies .. every single one of them... has fallen over......... from the ones in the garden safely bedded down for the winter nestled into the protection of the hedge.... to the fairies that sit on a book shelf in the "library" next to my office.

It seemed very symbolic of my life right now....

My mind has been touching on the "what nows"....... and then skittering away like a frightened fairy..........not wanting to look at the possibilities or even explore them.........

Yet there is no denying the fact i am a masochist. One day that need for pain is going to be overwhelming......... and i am wondering what then???

For now........ mostly ......... i can push those thoughts away and i do realize i am enjoying more and more the freedom i have to come and go at my pleasure.. to start new projects without worrying about how to fit them all in........

i am going to participate in the Story Telling Event at our school starting in a week or so........ i have a wonderful story to tell the children called "Too noisy" a rather suitable story for one who loves the quiet so much.........

i am going to do all the scenery for the upcoming school play. Now that is becoming a daunting task........... they want back drops of the Flintstones...... and the Muppets....... And Beauty and the Beast....... and Dr. Seuss (ok ok so that one is completed) ........ and they want two 6 feet tall guitars ............the list grows hourly.......... (drakor - i took up your challenge and look where it has landed me!!!)

My grandmother always said "idle hands are the devil's play things" guess the devil won't be around here any time soon..........

And i am working on my plans to travel this summer.......... and it looks as though the Art Festival at Ann Arbor Michigan is gonna be one of my destinations..... i am getting so excited..........

That is my here and now................ for now.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

This 'n that

i left a comment yesterday in the comment section..... but then thought many may not go back and read the comments ............ i wanted to make sure that all of you.. yes each and every one of you ..... knows just how much your comments / thoughts/emails mean to me...........

So my comment from yesterday follows:

(editorial note: this comment was written before the hoopla that took place later last night)

wow........ i read the comments today and of course fixated on Sir's response...

then i forced myself to read further..... and it still totally completely boggles my mind the wisdom and support that comes from those who read my ramblings.

There are no words - none - that can adequately express my thanks to all of you...... you all keep me going - honestly you do !!!


ok.. just for the record.......

i originally said i would not air dirty laundry here..... what happened happened. i have made a very conscious effort to keep all my writing about my feelings .. using the "I" rather than the "He" ....(which for anyone who cares - is basic conflict resolution procedure ) .... i have kept it (as much as is humanly possible) about me and my feelings. That is not going to change - no matter what snippy things are said to me ...... or about me. i absolutely REFUSE to publicly air the details of my uncollaring.

So "suck it up buttercup" or move along and don't read here anymore


Now for those of you who remember - Monday was my Dr. Seuss celebration at school.. i am posting some pictures of the artwork i did to make the room festive...

This is what 100 balloons look like........ it took me just under an hour to blow them up and am still suffering with "popping" sounds in my jaw bone.......

The day was a huge success and i even had my lil guy (middle grandson) bring his lunch and come celebrate with us !! What a hoot it was!! My "other" kids adopted him immediately and they all had a blast. The lil guy announced driving home "i has a bunch of friends granny!!"

Days like that do my heart good :)

Monday, March 22, 2010


i have been dealing with small issues this past two weeks.. things like freeing myself from protocols and rituals (i've already listed them and talked about them)

But i have been avoiding the big issues..... well not avoiding.. just not ready to face them ... and deal with them....

i have been sorting them out.... naming them (so to speak)

i spent a lot of time feeling guilty that i didn't spend more time with my daughters and my grandbabies.. but the weekends were so short... and i wanted to spend as much time as possible with W.... and so i feel as though i have neglected my family.

i used to love to travel....... every summer for the 20+ years i was married ... i planned a family holiday...... and we travelled.. touristy stuff.. and sitting on beaches reading .. basking in the warm sunshine... When my marriage ended i bought a cottage and spent my summers sitting on the dock in the sunshine reading and basking in the sunlight.. and in March i would go travel - usually south. And when i moved out (finally) on my own.... i planned a big trip to New Mexico and immersed myself in the touristy stuff. i haven't traveled like that in over 9 years........... i need to travel.. i need to see new places.. laugh and find my joy again........ and i AM going to do it .......

Sex and sensual feelings were a biggy for me........ i was once (before W) accused of liking sex too much...... of needing it too much........ and i think i came to a place where i was terrified to have those feelings .. of something being wrong with me.....
and it happened again with W........i needed/wanted more and it all made me feel so unsubbie.. and so bad.. maybe even a little dirty.......

And the mother of biggies......... my feelings about being submissive...... now. i sent virtually all the toys home with W......... i don't want to see them .. i don't want to think about them.. about the pain they gave me... about the arousal i felt from that pain.... and serving.. how does it all fit into my life now.........

The easy big ones have been dealt with... i have plans to interact with my family more..... lots more......... and the traveling.. well if i can save my pennies there is no reason i can't travel again.. why shouldn't i have adventures again??


the two biggies.. sex and submissive....... well i am still trying to find a thread to catch on to..... to start unwinding the feelings and work my way forward ......

ohhhh and i just thought of one other biggy that keeps niggling at me ....... what happens to The Journey ....when this is all over....... does it go vanilla?? does it disappear?? how can it stay a journal of my life as a submissive??

Sunday, March 21, 2010


i am a firm believer in cleaning out all the cobwebs before moving forward.. or even AS i move forward.

i have been asked more than a few times (either in comments or emails - i honestly can't remember) if there was nothing that could be done to patch up the relationship with W. And even when i politely pointed out that all his "stuff" was out of the house - the answer was "it can all be moved back in".

Last night a couple of friends whom i respect deeply (and am so proud to be able to call them "friend") asked me a tough question. They explained that the relationship (mine specifically) was like a V. When we were together it was the point of the V ...... very close......... and they felt i was slowly moving up the V but i hadn't moved all that far....... and they asked...... "did i want to go back down the V to the point again" (ok that was very wordy and a bit convoluted - but i hope you get the gist of the conversation)

i didn't give them a knee jerk answer...... i thought seriously about the question they had posed. Actually i kinda poked at the wound and poked again to see if what i was pretty sure i was feeling..... i actually WAS feeling. And i answered firmly "NO i do not wish to go back"

See besides that question - we talked about a whole lot of other things.... things that touched home.. things that tugged at my heart .. and made me "see" what i had been feeling more clearly. i have been stuck in a time warp of sorts. In fact i believe i have been stuck in that time warp for awhile now. i kept thinking "it was SO good at the beginning - we can get back there again". But in looking back i am questioning if what we had was really a good "fit". It most certainly filled a need i had at the time. BUT did it "fit". Slowly i am starting to realize NO it probably wasn't such a good fit...... well not as good a fit as i thought.

So with that being said, i hope i have cleared any doubt anyone had....... anyone.... that i would turn around.. slide back down the V and have all W's things moved back in.

swan said in a comment on one of these recent blog entries, that for now i am dealing with the hurt and the bad stuff, but she hoped that i would be able to come around to see the good that came out of 9 years with W.

i am sure she is right. But for now i have to clear out the bad cobwebs .. before i can really look at the positives .........

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Almost two weeks

It has been almost two weeks (Monday will be two weeks) since that awful horrible dreadful heart rending uncollaring.

And i am still here...... still limping my way through each day... but making progress! It is funny how progress is measured ............ at least around here..... yesterday i went to the meeting at the Board with the powers who be........ AND i managed to put my case across well enough to win the debate!! (YAY me) i can still fight the good fight and win .........

Then i took my poor lil black focus to the car wash and told them to give it a good spring cleaning... the works !! And while they were stripping it down and washing and polishing and waxing i took myself to a new restaurant in the same mall ...... and had breakfast !! i have never EVER taken myself out to breakfast - alone.

Then i went to a big box store and picked up some bulk stuff i needed - i even managed to find sleepers for the newest edition for Easter - cute things one with blue stripes and a car .. the other with green stripes and a giraffe.

Then i was more than ready to make a mad dash home to the safety of my lil condo. But i did it!! i faced the big bad world head on and survived (grinning)

And to drakor ........ who has challenged me to find the creative side of me once again.. to pull out the camera and the crafts and start creating once again....... i spent a good part of the afternoon finding oriental pictures.....downloading them.. cropping and fixing them.. printing them.. and putting them in a collage frame that my old staff gave me when i left.

When W left he took with him all his pictures that had graced the walls here.... and one big hole was left in my reading room...... that's where this new oriental collage went......... (we won't talk about how many damn holes i actually put in the wall trying to get the silly frame to hang straight......... but hey !! the holes don't show and the picture is up)

SEE !!

And last night i even managed to stay in the living room till after 9 watching TV instead of locking up.. putting on the alarm .. and scurrying upstairs to the office and hiding myself away !!

Today i have a "hot" date with a really good looking guy.......... my 9 year old grandson. We are gonna go out shopping so he can spend his birthday money....... and then have lunch in a restaurant (which does not mean Wendy's or MacDonald's) that took some explaining................

So i am limping forward......... i still have a couple of really big things to deal with...... but i am not ready to "go there" yet... it has been enough that i am taking back the small areas of my life for now....... the big stuff comes next.

And honestly i couldn't do it without all my good "friends" on the net who have been dropping by and encouraging me... the shoe is off and the foot isn't hurting nearly as much :) i am even planning a big trip (well big for me!!) this summer if i don't become too much of a pain in the ass !!

Progress is measured in small steps forward.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Dark night

my brain was the first to wake up....... and i laid snuggled under the comforter hoping it was almost time to get up........... but knowing, from the stillness, it probably wasn't.

my eyes opened to deep dark blackness. Only the illuminated numbers on the clock kept me from thinking i was blind. It was 3:03 ........ in the A. M.

For the last two days i have been very tired........ so very sleepy. i have been in bed early and fast asleep within minutes of closing my eyes. i have napped when i got home from work .... i have slept and slept.

So i shouldn't have been surprised that i was awake at 3:03 in the a.m. After all how much sleep can one body put up with?

The memories were swirling around inside my brain - the voices murmuring - and i tried to sort them out... to have them make sense - but i failed. So i turned my mind to the last two days. To the emptier house - to the hours at work i have put in.... and that stuck........ the work. i have become a workaholic. (which in my case is not a bad thing)

Monday is a big celebration with my kids........... we are celebrating Dr. Seuss' birthday. And on Wednesday when the house was being emptied, i decided to make it the best ever celebration ........... so i threw myself into the project.

i have made huge characters from the Dr Seuss books - Thing 1 and Thing 2 (they were the easiest to make) and Horton - who wasn't that easy at all - The Cat in the Hat and of course his HAT - and some other unnamed or unknown (to me) characters . i worked late last night painting them and cutting them out and getting them ready to be hung around the room first thing Monday. i made paint spots from the Cat in the Hat to be hung, and i brought work home. what work?? well balloons of course - 100 balloons to be blown up on Sunday to fill the room with colours and fun and excitement. i have even ordered 3 Dr Seuss cakes from my favourite pastry maker........ check out her blog
The castle cake that graces the page was made for my other kiddies a year or so ago.

So at 3 a.m this morning i was running through check lists for Monday - done done and done !!

It would be nice if the rest of my life was in such order.

Today i honestly can't face the world - i know it in my heart. i have a brief meeting with the powers to be at the Board this morning then i am going to come home, crawl into some comfy clothes and curl up and (knowing me) snooze.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Looking - inward

my thoughts these days are muddled - and loud - and persistent ........ and confusing.

i get up each morning and go through the routine of the day........ honestly though.. it is by rote.... without much enthusiasm or joy..... even my Dr Seuss celebration set for Monday has become a day to get through.

Memories/feelings keep popping up....... glaring at me.

Last night i jumped awake - because i saw W's face up close .. nose to nose .. staring at me with that look....... you know the look (well you do if you are submissive). It was very real - i looked for him even after i knew there was no way. Once upon a time he drove over here at 1:00 in the morning just to scare me.. just to show me he could. i guess that memory was kicking around last night as i slept.

Feelings keep eating at me.... feelings of somehow failing..... somehow just not being good enough........

When W met me i couldn't be naked - i dressed primly and properly ....... like a "lady" just the way i had been raised. W wanted me naked or dressed like a slut.... i don't think i ever pulled off the "slut" look..... i was way too uncomfortable in that personae ......

He liked me as close to naked as possible - so he would have "easy access". i got it.. in my head..... but never in my heart.

We often joked about the big Dom book of rules and the subbie book of rules....... is it written somewhere that a submissive must be a slut?? or look slutty??

Would i have been less of a submissive if i had refused outright to dress like a slut.. to be naked??

i never felt i carried it off ..... did i fail at it??

For now i am working at feeling comfortable again IN my clothes......... and pulling my nightie on every night as i climb into the big empty bed...... i am not breaking any rules now........ it is ok ...... i am ok..........

or i will be ......... ok.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


Today is the end.

Today W will be moving the rest of his things out of the house. It will leave a big empty room - and an empty cupboard.

It will emphasis the big emptiness that is inside me.


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

taking back

Usually we think about "giving back" not "taking back" but this past week i have come to realize i have to take back my life.

And i honestly don't know where to start or how to start.

i spent the first week of being uncollared wandering around like a lost soul.

All those protocols / rules and rituals that i have lived by for 9 years ruled my life ..... even uncollared.

Each morning i would sit and stare at the pc cause there was no morning journal to write.

Each time i was out of the house i kept one eye on the clock cause i was expected home at a certain time

Each time i went shopping i thought i should ask permission to buy this or that

Each time i came home i went to text him and tell him i was home.

Each time i came home i stripped naked and pulled on my "subbie at home" uniform

Each night at 8 sharp i would look at the clock and think i should be online for him

Each night i would strip naked and slide between the cold sheets

Each time i sent an email i automatically went to cc it to him

Each time i spoke to someone i thought i should ask permission / or at least tell him

When....... i was collared to him......... i would half joke that he had better leave me to someone in his will........ cause i wouldn't know what to do / how to do it without him in my life.

i never thought about the ending being this way.......... left on my own to find my way back.....

i have a whole mess of taking back to do.

Monday, March 15, 2010

feeling humble

Truthfully words fail me.

i was going to answer the comments in the comments box.......... but 15 !!?? messages (plus the emails i have received) just swamped my emotions..........

i would love to say that all your virtual hugs and good wishes have healed the hurt inside - but i can't. i can say i don't feel nearly as lonely now..... yes i can say that !!

Thank you all......... from the bottom of my heart...... your support will help work magic and guide me through this bramble filled dark path.......

Sunday, March 14, 2010

The Lonely Journey begins.........

i have been trying to decide if i should start a brand new blog...... or simply try and continue on here.

This morning i decided to make some changes here......... like only allowing one post per day (until such time as all the other entries are sent to archive heaven) ...... changing the lead in picture....... juggling some of my links.. removing some of the pictures........ and starting over here.........

"starting over??" i hear you all asking.........

yes ....... starting over.

You see - on Monday last week - Sir took his collar back. i had thought perhaps this could all be talked out and struggled through and worked out. But between "he says" and "she says" the collar has been returned.

Besides all the hurt i am living through right now.... that one act (the returning the collar) hurts me the most. i wanted to do it "right" ........... if there is such a thing as a right way to return one's collar - something that has graced my neck for almost 9 years.

Nine years ago (give or take) i got down on my knees at Sir's feet and begged for His collar.

Nine years later i thought it only fitting that i kneel at His feet and beg Him to remove it - through tears and heartbreak.

But it wasn't to be .............

And so here i am ....... a submissive without a dominant, trying to pack up 9 years of life...... trying to pack up nine years of protocols and serving, trying to let go of 9 years of memories (good and bad)

i know...... for the most part - despite wonderful supportive friends rallying around - this is going to be a lonely journey.

i know this is not going to be an easy journey.

And i know.......... it will be a whole lot easier to work it all out here........ NO!! not the dirty laundry - there is enough of that on both sides ....... and i don't believe in airing dirty laundry.........

But more....... work out what happens to me now.............

you are welcome to join me on this new journey............... or not.

Monday, March 08, 2010


After much soul searching i have made a decision to go on "hiatus"

This hiatus may be a day or a month or longer.

To all my faithful readers - i am sorry.

To all my new followers - there are enough archived entries to keep you reading for awhile - hopefully by then i will be back

or not.

Sunday, March 07, 2010


come a little closer........

we went shopping...

i got beat...

we socialized with vanilla friends..

i got beat some more...

wow!! what a spring break !!!

Friday, March 05, 2010


come a little closer........

So far ........

needle play

sensation play

fucked into bed

Wednesday, March 03, 2010


A good part of the "paper work" of my job is coming up with monthly themes for programs and then coming up with activities etc that are both educational, fun, and work towards molding these children into thinking responsible adults. There are no guidelines set down by the powers who be.... it is just up to me to find them.... so pretty much anything goes.

Now some months are easy - September - back to school/team building, October is Thanksgiving and Halloween, December is Christmas/Holidays, January is generally a winter theme, February this year was easy - Olympics !! April is usually Easter/spring and June is end of year/beach theme. But there are a whole mess of months in between that are not so easy. March is one of them.

i mean other than "March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb" saying.. and St. Paddy's day....... March is really a blah month. Just before my Spring break i typed into google "March activities for children" just to see if something would jump start the creative juices........ and what did i find?? But a whole website dedicated to March celebrations............ and there are a mess of 'em...... From Dr. Seuss' birthday (my all time favourite author for kids !!) to earmuff day to paper money day .. to Absolutely Incredible kid day.... elevator day......... and on and on it goes............ My creative juices are all fired up and i am busy planning a Dr. Seuss birthday celebration for our PED day on March 22nd - which will be a birthday party for all the kids .............

Yesterday i was reading some of the blogs i read on a regular basis and discovered yet another "Themed Month" for bloggers. i can't help but wonder who comes up with all these themes for bloggers. i mean............ it isn't easy to come up with themes - i know !!

It turns out March is Question and Answer month............

Now i do believe i did this last year...... and got some pretty darn interesting questions to answer......... (it also helped fill a blog entry or two)

So if you have any questions you would like to ask me........... go for it !!

i promise to answer each and every one of them - silly or not - over the next few weeks........ (geeeeeez will i get enough to fill that many blog entries???!!! i am guessing no.......... but hey......... i've nothing to lose (except my self esteem) by asking right??

ok ok i know my life is pretty much an open book here......... but surely there are some questions you have been dying to ask ............ ok one question you are dying to ask??

So plop your questions in the comments box and help me fill a few blog entries for the month of March. (don't make me beg....... you won't like me when i beg.)

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Half 'n Half

ok......... so i have been doing battle with some ........ ummm.. demons? Yay - that's a good word for it........ demons.

Most of the demons were brought on by winter blahs....... i absolutely hate winter!! i should have been born in a warm southern climate where i never have to face a day below 30C. But i wasn't.....i was born in the Great White North and should have adjusted by now....... but i haven't. Come end of January beginning of February i fluctuate between wanting to chew my own limbs off ........ to wanting to (and sometimes actually doing it) chewing someone's head off.

Then March arrives - like a lion or a lamb - i don't much care. First off i get a whole week off from work .......and March is.. in my mind anyway ........ the beginning of the end to another long dreary dark winter.

Two weeks ago - when i was smack dab in the deepest bit of the darkness of the winter blahs......... Sir - sitting across from me at dinner - says innocently........ "Best friend's birthday party is March 1st. I know you can't come cause you have work the next day........." and i replied - "ohhhhhhhhhh i am on break - i can come!!"

The rest of that conversation is a bit of a blur.......... but it was something about the Best Friend having this 'crush' on this woman......... and how Best Friend suggested that seeing as i couldn't go to the birthday party - Sir might bring another "date" - the date being this woman Best Friend has a crush on. (ok ok so are you all confused yet??)

My urge to chew something off came raging to the forefront. Sir ducked skillfully and just managed to save His head - though there were a few nips and scratches and bruises.

The words that kept (keep) going round in my head ...... "another date"...... HUH?? a DATE?? what does that make me ??? a casual date that can be replaced at a moment's notice??? After almost nine years i am still a DATE???

Now i realize all of this was not Sir's fault.......... He didn't suggest it.. Best Friend did.......... and i also realize that men do not see things or feel things the same way a woman does.............. and .. now this incident is really all water under the bridge..... cause i had my fit......... wrote long emotional emails to Sir... most of it emotional garbage ........ but Sir kept murmuring all the right words and eventually my blood lust subsided and things were ok ...... again.

But it conflicted badly with my belief system ...... my BDSM belief system. i am sub.... do i or don't i get a say in who Sir sees or doesn't see.. etc etc..... does the vanilla half of our life together have anything to do with the BDSM half?? and how in god's name does one separate the two???

Anyway.... i really didn't want to get into all that....... what i set out to talk about was the task Sir set for me last night while he was off at Best Friend's birthday party. (ok ok.. yes i am on March break.. and yes i could have gone..... but way back when i was in the deep end of the winter blahs..... i decided i needed to clean up some rooms around here - and i did need to !!! - and i would stay home - and yeah yeah.. a part of that rational was because i was hurt and angry with Best Friend and didn't want to have to see him never mind wish him a Happy Birthday)

So - the task.

It was to put the clamps on my pussy ........ masturbate and cum 2 times ...... and text message Sir that it was done.

In no way did i feel the least bit like masturbating last night after i had finished all the cleaning.... from waxing floors to washing clothes to washing ceiling and walls in the bathroom and finishing up the reading room...... no way no how !! For all of 2 seconds i contemplated texting Sir and saying i had done it...... "liar liar pants on fire" !!! 2 seconds......... that's all it took ......... cause i don't lie.........

So sometime after i had had my dinner and rested up... i went upstairs and found the damn clamps and the wonderful amazing spectacular hitachi with attachments... and settled down on the bed for my task.

For whatever reason i had a devil of a time getting the clamps on....... and ..... getting them to stay on......i almost .... ALMOST ....... gave in and went to find the clovers when they clamped on and stayed...... (thank god ...... cause i am not sure i am ready for the clovers !! it has been way too long)

And then i started with the hitachi....... my pussy burned hot from the clamps.. which is kinda / sorta weird.......... sorta makes my pussy feel like it feels when i am (way back when - doesn't happen anymore) so horny i am climbing the walls. Must be all the blood collecting there around the clamps.

And then it was .... off to the races so to speak. i am enjoying the vibrations from the hitachi...... really getting into it.. almost forgot the damn clamps.. until i moved..... lifted my hips slightly to get a better angle with the hitachi......... and the chain from the clamps swung ever so slightly and hit my ass..... and oh dear god !!! cum???? there has to be a better word for it.......... yeah i came....... gushing and squirting...... from the light touch of a chain tickling my ass............ i could "see" what it looked like from the bottom of the bed....... and it was HOT !! The second orgasm came quickly on the heels of the first.....

And when it was over and the clamps were off and i was lying there on the bed all hot and sweaty and drippy i thought how much better this had been ...... then sitting around a table with people who don't GET the half n'half life i live and making small talk .

Monday, March 01, 2010


i have been slaving all weekend.........

ok ok that's so not true !!! But i slaved on Saturday......... and i promised to keep you all up to date with how the cleaning project was going..........

On Saturday i did indeed take all the curtains down and got them washed, ironed and back up. But the big job was tackling my reading room......... i did my usual procrastinating by sorting and tidying the shelves in the office first....... but finally i couldn't stall any longer and dragged myself into the "reading" room.

i have 3 sectional shelving units.........

Here is number 1 .. before

and after

Here is number 2 ..... before

and after

Here is number 3 .... before

and after...........

and then i gave up for the day............... but i had really good intentions of starting off fresh Sunday morning !! i did - honest i did !!

But ya see there was a train show in town (model trains) and Sir was going and He came and picked me up and took me with Him (being the good sub i am - i couldn't very well say "no" could i?? )

For those of you, new around here, you missed all the reports on building the first train layout in the can catch up reading here

and here

and here

and here

BUT beware - there are some graphic photos included.......... so don't open at work!!!

Well Sir talked about our latest plans on His well as describing some incentive He had to get me thinking about the new train layout......

yes i have plans to start an N scale layout once Sir moves the HO to His house.

Now for those of you who have no idea what an HO is or an case you are interested in educating yourselves.... HO is bigger than N.........

how much bigger you ask??

This much bigger...........

this is HO

and this is N

This project however will be definitely longgggggggggg term.. little bit at a time....... and i might just go blind in the process... do you have any idea how small the flowers are in N scale??????????

Anyway that's the Monday Morning Report........... i have to run....... the "reading" room really does have to be finished.......... and then there is the bathroom i want to strip and clean - from the ceilings to the floor and everything in between.........

Sir says i am going to need a holiday from my holiday - when this is over............ BUT on Wednesday i go to Sir's house........ and i am hoping (and praying and wishing and hoping) that from Wednesday till Sunday i will be bound up and beaten and fucked until the brain doesn't function any more..........

hey a subbie can hope can't she??

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