Thursday, June 30, 2005
i am sure this isn't going to be any "light bulb" moment for most.... but it was for me... maybe because for the most part i do not play games...
But this morning i was reading a submissive's journal where she talks about online subbies and real life ones too playing games to get her Master's attention.. and how a couple had succeeded... no way am i gonna sit in judgement of her Master or those submissives.... but it did get me thinking... people play games !! all the time !!
i sat and reviewed how much of life is made up of these "games"...
* there is the new submissive playing with his/her Dom/me.... pretending things that he/she doesn't feel to get a reaction out of the Dom/me...
* there are those that play "coy" hoping to get a reaction out of a Dom/me
* there are those who take a dislike to someone for whatever reason (valid or not) and then go out of their way to avoid or disappoint or hurt that person
* there are those that having been hurt play a game of "getting even"
* there are those that play at BDSM .. trying to find a life partner thinking BDSM will be the way
* there are games people play regularily to be noticed.. to be cared for.. to be powerful
* then there are the games people play in response to those who want to be noticed.. to be cared for.. to be powerful
it really is no wonder that i have always felt i didn't know the 'rules' to the game called 'life'. It was simple to me .. live your life with honesty, openness, caring and trust. Say what you mean and mean what you say. But sometimes... just sometimes i do get overwhelmed by the 'games' and get a little lost. Sometimes it would seem i am expected to play these games....... just to survive.
Games people play .. it does boggle my mind sometimes...
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Then life happened ... tough scary life.... and he was neither Dom nor sub just a friend.. and Sir and i were at his side.. then it was his turn to be at my side .. holding my hand... and i discovered after all had returned to normal that it didn't really matter if he were sub or slave or Dom.... most importantly he was a FRIEND !!!
time passed and now he has found two wonderful Dommes to serve and he is sub again !!! Oh the fun we have debating issues such as sub or slave... to label or not to label... what trouble can we get each other into...red panties with black hearts is the new trigger for trouble .. (big cheeky grin)
BUT i learned something much more important during this journey with him... sub or slave or switch .. we ARE best friends !!!
Sunday, June 26, 2005
However, Sir and i have plans for a nice lil party on Canada Day weekend. And bright me got the idea to finally fix up the side room .. in time for the party !! ok ok i never claimed to have the best timing!! So this week in between doing battle with Goliath the boss.. and Goliath the 14 wheeler.. AND Goliath the cold ... i did manage to drag all the storage stuff out of the side room, all the cats' toys and beds, and slap up a couple of coats of white paint on the walls (which had been this charming LIME green colour) Do i hear mumblings out there of "white?? for a dungeon/playroom?" No no no !!! Use your imagination folks... stark white walls with lots and lots of BDSM prints framed and hanging in the room!!! And on the shelving Sir's Betty Page doll... And some more of my oriental charm..
And to hide the exercise part of the room (cause i will be back on track again next week - as long as no more Goliath's come calling) my Chinese privacy screen.
Now .. i am wondering if i have fought this Goliath of a cold enough that maybe.. just maybe Sir will be able to try out the new playroom this afternoon........... maybe a little ride on the "pony"???
Friday, June 24, 2005
and the debate here in the Great White North continues .. slave or sub.... a friend said that he believed service without question makes a slave... as well as giving up all control all safe words all limits.. This morning my Sir sent me this picture... i would serve my Sir this way.. but i had to ask... is THAT look permitted??? Sir loves my looks and is always forever trying to capture them on film... i am guessing that ...though i serve my Sir in all He asks.. that my "looks" which often times are cheeky ones... will always keep me from being "slave" ..... and i have to ask myself .. is it really important to be a slave or a submissive ?? Is the label important? If i am property .. owned cherished cared for... does it really matter what label one puts on it???
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Some here maintain a slave is merely at one end of the spectrum of submission. i have never been able to wrap my mind around that theory. To me there are different levels of submission but only ONE level of slave. It has all been confusing and some what frustrating to me. i learned early on not to enter into any debates with folks on this subject. Few if any accepted my definition. (holding hands out wide) submissive in this hand.. slave in the other.
A passing comment by a friend .. "am i sub or slave" made me scurry off to find some definition.. some clear definition........ sighhhh .. have you ever tried goggling "bdsm definition of submissive and slave"?? do you have any idea how many opinions there are??!!!
i read until the screen was blurry.. i had all but given up hope when i read this quote:
" Slavery is not about submission or submissive behaviors. It is about obedience."
This comes from the web site http://www.teramis.com/kink/subvslave.htm
if anyone wishes to read the entire article.
Finally something i COULD wrap my mind around..... obedience.
and now i better understand my desire to be a slave. i honour slaves .. and thus make it an honoured position. To give obedience beyond all else?? it is something i struggle daily with.... obeying Sir's rules without question... obeying Sir's tasks without question.. obeying Sir completely and totally.... Some days i succeed.. others i struggle. To give complete and total obedience is the difference (for me anyway) between a slave and a submissive.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
ever wake up from an afternoon nap.. in that lovely stage between sleeping and waking.. and have a little dream?? i love when that happens... especially if it is a good dream !!! i had one today.. half awake.. half asleep.. and i could "see" my Sir playing with me.......
nice warm fuzzie feelings...
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
i know my constant questioning and digging in my heels is less than subbie like.. and most definitely a major irritant to Sir.. have i always tested Sir in this manner??? testing Sir is a very bad thing.. i know that !!! so why do i do it??
2) staying healthy....
i most definitely have let myself go this year - in all aspects. Weird as it sounds.. when my health fell apart i let everything else go too.... bad bad me !!! Anyway it is time to get my act together .. again!
3) pleasing Sir
i want to please Sir in everything...... yet i fail in so many different ways.. small ways and big ways.. like my nightly training.. i have such sensitive nipples.. at first the very thought of nipple clamps sent me spiralling down .. pleading and crying.. another submissive friend suggested a nightly training.. start at 5 minutes and work my way up. That was just over 3 years ago.. and i was up to 20 minutes with clover clamps. Then one night a week or so ago.. one nipple was absolutely black when i removed the clamps. It scared me. i had noticed that the pain in my nipples was as bad as it had ever been - if not worse. i tried very hard to ignore it.. till the night that my nipple was black. It didn't last long .. maybe only a day or so... but it was enough for me to ask Sir's permission to stop the nipple training.. and He agreed. BUT the whole point to this training was to get my nerve up to have my nipples pierced. NOW i can't face the thought.. and i feel as though i have let my Sir down ... but how does one over come something as physical as the pain in my nipples???
4) remembering the rules.......
only problem is ... one of the rules is no pants... and with the weight gain none of my dresses / skirts fit anymore.. i only have pants that fit now ... but i will refer back to rule #2 and work really hard on getting back my "girlish" figure so that one day soon i CAN wear the dresses again.. maybe even purchase one or two nice new dresses as a reward.. (if Sir gives His permission that is)
i have lived in this interim period for so long now.. i wonder if i have forgotten the rules !?! i remember the dress rule cause i feel guilty every time i pull on a pair of pants when Sir is here.. but what about the other rules???? didn't i have them written down somewhere??? am i forgetting more than i think???
Maybe i need to write out a new list of rules... keep them at hand so i start "remembering" them all again...
my to do list... not that long.. but long enough....... and definitely requiring some hard work......
Monday, June 06, 2005
i wondered aloud if Sir had any idea how difficult it is to watch the drip of candle wax slowly descending towards my nipples???? OR... if He had any idea how hot it was hitting my nipple??!!! Sir had an answer for the complaining subbie.. get the ice!! When will i learn to keep my thoughts to myself??!!! I C E ??? i HATE ice .. god i hate anything cold!!!! Now i could watch the wax fall on my nipple.. and then watch as Sir slowly and methodically ran the ice over my nipple.... then just for the fun of it.. Sir decided to try ice then wax.. then wax and ice.. and on and on it went..... with me alternating between shivering and wimpering .....
Finally i watched as Sir blew the candle out and placed the ice cube in the bowl...... i was ordered to lie still and NOT touch the wax. Sir disappeared only to return with His knife!!!! Now i ask you ... was that necessary??!! i was really quite happy to peel the wax off my body.. He didn't need to bring the knife!!!
After much breath holding....... and much scraping of sharp blades across sensitive body parts i was declared clean!!!!
Remind me never to complain of quiet weekends again....... please!! This living life to the fullest is quite a challenge !!! (cheeky grin)
Sunday, June 05, 2005
i remember years and years ago when i first ventured out into the "big" world of BDSM having a wonderful submissive who took me under his wing and helped me/ taught me/ guided me. 20 years later i still have very fond memories of "lula".........
To that end Sir and i have from time to time offered to help guide/teach newcomers. i even attempted to start a submissive support group here in the city.. for all submissives. (ok ok it didn't fly too well.... lots of promise with no concrete attendance.. but hey i had to try !!!) BUT it was at one of the first sss meetings (submissive supporting submissives) that i met a sweet young submissive. Over the past couple of years she and i have formed a friendship. i was very excited and pleased for her when her husband decided to learn more about the lifestyle and to become her "Master". Sir agreed to "mentor" him.. answering his questions .. showing him the ropes (both literally and figuratively) ....
On Saturday evening W/we invited this new couple over to the house for a semi formal D/s dinner - just the 4 of U/us. What an enjoyable evening it was!!! W/we started slowly with hors d'oeuvres and drinks ... and progressed to dinner .. we submissives serving our Doms with pride and pleasure. There was no speaking during dinner by the submissives.. which proved to be a great challenge for my sub friend.. and for her Dom as well (He erred on the side of social graces and frequently tried to include me in the conversation)
After dinner W/we moved downstairs to the playroom for a little after dinner amusement. This was a BIG step for O/our guests who have never played in front of anyone else...the couple used the cross while Sir strung me up from the chains to give me my reward for a dinner well presented with my favourite wooden paddle.. Fortunately i was positioned in such a way that i could watch them playing.. which i always find rather hot.. watching someone else play while i am being played with.......
After the flogging session Sir gave an impromptu lesson on breast bondage on my subbie friend.... and she and i had a few giggles about the different feelings one experiences from tightly bound breasts....... though i have to admit .. i was just a little jealous that i only got to sit and watch....
Both Sir and i hope that T/they gained confidence and experience from the whole evening.....
All in all it was a fun and entertaining evening..
Saturday, June 04, 2005
It was quite late when Sir took me downstairs and put me up on the cross..... my mind was rebelling. i felt like stamping my foot ...... i wasn't at all sure what i needed or wanted.. but i was kinda thinking i didn't need or want a session.
i wasn't gonna make a sound... i was just gonna take what Sir gave me and not make one tiny lil sound!!! i was throwing a subbie temper tantrum. This morning i have no idea really what toys Sir started with, BUT i do know which ones brought down the "wall" i had surrounded myself with... the above ones.... the knotted rope flogger 3 knots on each strand - and to think i made the damn thing!!!! the purple plastic flogger with falls that can and do leave little purple dots all over my ass... the stiff leather flogger rated high on the pain scale by Helmut the craftsman.. only one harder than that He boasted when He sold it to Sir a couple of years ago....
Each toy in its own way as hard as nails ... biting into my back and my ass with unrelenting precision.... until.. my mind on fire .. my body crumbling .. my resolve to be quiet broken.. i cried out...
Stopping only long enough to run His hands down my body to feel the heat generated.. to whisper in my ear to "breath" and the pain resumed.. Sir was as unrelenting as the bite and sting of the toys.. my tears did not distract Him from His "mission".... and the picture in my befuddled brain was that my body was not mine any longer... it was twisting and turning in some storm created by Sir... and finally all i wanted was to crumble into His arms .. have Him hold me and caress me.. and all would be right with the world once again..
Some time later i was firmly grasped in His arms.. petted and stroked and calm.... the ugly storm in my mind had passed and all was once again right.
We have been honest with the lil one about what I am going through and she has been amazing........like last week I wanted to dust the liv...
BUT be warned this post might be the things nightmares are made from......... So I have finished this round of radiation...... and if I co...