Saturday, April 30, 2016

Sometimes it's just BAD

Sometimes - rarely - but sometimes I just free fall from an endorphin high into a darkness that is so dark - it's hard to find the ground.  I limp around blindly trying to feel the ground under my feet - trying to feel 'solid' again - trying to get past the bad hurt that is sometimes left - a physical pain that reaches deep inside me with nails drawn and squeezes and twists -- a metaphorical pain that tears my soul into pieces and leaves me feeling very lost and very alone - and very scared...... questioning myself.

I search my mind for something - ANYTHING - that will make me a solid again - that will help the pain ease - help me find the grounding I so desperately need.  I run lists of things through my head - things every sub learns when they are new - hot baths - chocolate - comfort foods - hugs - gentle loving sex.............. but the bottom line is no one can fix the darkness - take the pain away - heal the physical pain.  Time will heal it - eventually.

BUT in the meantime - you have to bang your toes in the darkness - grind your teeth through the physical pain - cry oceans of tears through the emotional pain... 

Until you see a small light at the end of the tunnel - and you slowly start to move towards it - painfully - slowly - step by slow step................ 




Friday, April 29, 2016

R.,A.S.H.

It's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep.  Sometimes my mind and body goes where it wants - deep and dark - this is one of those times.


 R.A.S.H.
know what it means??? It's certainly not SSC or RACK or whatever the latest acronym is to try and explain away what it is we do.

No - R.A.S.H. means  Risk Aware Shit Happens

I like that one!  After 30 years plus of playing - and playing hard - I have had more than a few incidents of Shit Happens. and mostly I take full responsibility for it.  I knew the risks going in........ I am not saying "my fault" I am just saying "shit happens"

I have noticed over the last couple of months - that my ass specifically - is showing the signs of playing hard.  I have marks - marks that aren't disappearing... I am assuming they are permanent and they bother me just a little bit.  It's one thing to have bruising to proudly display - it's quite another to have marks that decorate the skin forever.  These scars are reminders not of how much I took - but how foolish I was.  And it's never fun to be reminded that you were foolish.

I've got another Shit Happens to add to the list.

Sub drop.

I have always been this "tough old bird" - I don't need or want after care I say - I will take care of it on my own.  I do not like pillow fluffing - or coddling.  I will do this on my own thank you very much!!

But ya know - sometimes when it hurts so deep - and nothing helps - when you apply all the creams and lotions that are on the market to take away the hurts.. and they don't work .. and your voices in your head start talking to you ... and the self doubts come bubbling to the surface...... THEN it would be nice to be held and stroked a little bit.. to know you made them proud...and if they could they would take away the pain - both the physical and the mental.

Sometimes - just some times - it's hard to be the "tough old bird" who can take care of herself.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Celebration






Eleven years ago today I wrote my first auspicious entry in "The Journey" 

I have written 3,113 entries in 4015 days - only missing 902 days - god only knows how many words that comes out to - but I am thinking a lot!

Those of you who have been with me since the beginning (and there are a couple of you) you have heard about my kids - my teaching - my illnesses and operations - you have suffered through my many periods of angst - my struggles with submission - my joys with submission - you have watched The Journey disappear and re-appear 

And you have cheered me on - offered advise - and support - you have cried with me and laughed me and even once in awhile kicked my ass.

I never know how many more words are in me... sometimes I think I have run dry - but something brings me back here day after day -  year after year after year (small smile) 


Here's to, at the very least, another year of The Journey - the good the bad and the ugly.

 

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Mirror Mirror on the Wall






Angel and I went  shopping on Friday - I am pretty sure I shared that.  BUT what I didn't share - cause I have been processing it since then......... when I put on the white sundress and looked in the mirror - the image I saw made me go "wow that is HOT!" but I didn't see ME - I saw a woman in a pretty white sundress that showed her boobs really nicely... the rest of the material skimmed over her body teasingly.

I couldn't understand why I didn't see ME.  BUT then I realized there was a little break through - I did see an image I liked............and I accepted it ...... that was a first!!

Then Saturday at the party I didn't hesitate not for a minute when I had to strip off my dress for play.  And that was a first. 

And again when we were going to do the rope.... and that wasn't in a quiet corner in the back room  -- that was in the main room with people sitting all around... and I stripped.

And when the rope was going on it felt different for more than one reason - I felt it against rib bones....... brushing against my hip bones...... and when the camera came out I only had a brief fleeting thought "please don't let me hate these pics!"  And at one point I actually looked down at my body wrapped in the rope and I was shocked - I didn't see many bulgy sticky out bits of me... 

Then came the big test - when I loaded the pics on my pc and sat down to look at them.
I think I held my breath.  I know I flipped through them so fast they barely registered.. I was looking for the fat......... I went back and did it again.. slower this time... and yes I still see more fat than thin.......... BUT there were a couple of pics that reminded me of pics taken long ago - and I went and found them and looked at both ... over and over again... not trusting my eyes....... but I saw a thinner me ........ and it brought tears to my eyes .. I actually saw a thinner me -- finally!!!

It's a small battle won against this eating problem I have been fighting since Christmas.
One small battle is not the war - but it is something!  My "exercise coach" has been telling me to give the exercise time - that it will start to show.... and I am having more confidence now that he is right...... that one day soon - just like with the weight loss - I will start to see the muscles tightening up... and more definition in my body shape.... and I am hoping that when that day comes - I will have won the battle with this eating problem!

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Post Party part II

Today - just some pics from the party - skip if spankings and nudity isn't your thing (cheeky grin) You've been warned !!




 Two against one doesn't seem fair !!

                  Don't drop the crop game - such fun (NOT)                     


             Bruises keeps the brat under control

A teary contented me
 
 
sharing a giggle over the ropes pressing on my jewelry

a very different intensity 
holding a "bitch stick" for MissJ
 
 
 
what an amazing evening it was...



 


 

Monday, April 25, 2016

Post Party





Well I feel I can safely say there was a lot of personal growth on Saturday night.... 

I am extremely lucky to have two very special people who have hung in there for over a year with me - gently encouraging me to get my ass (literally and figuratively) out there into public play again.

I was SO damn nervous when they finally picked me up on Saturday afternoon - not wanting to feel like a "pity beat" - feeling out of place - third wheel sort of feeling.  BUT they went out of their way to make sure I felt included - and that I was their bottom for the evening!!

The potluck dinner and social time was probably the hardest for me.... so many new people - my shyness just descended with a vengeance.   Thankfully Angel was there to lean on when I needed it... but I did my very best to mix a little bit  -- and to eat some food.  

Then it just sort of flowed you know.... we all went downstairs and one minute I was watching a scene - and grinning and the next minute I was "instructed" to stand and hold the cross while they got the toys and got organised.

Nerves made me brattier than usual - and yeah I paid the price!!  BUT once I settled down - and He made me understand that they would not tolerate any more brattiness - the play on the cross went well.  

With my permission they took some pictures and I hope to get them soon so I can share a little of my "pleasure".   It has been a long time since I played with two pretty damn good 'sadists' at once..... so there was a lot of pleasure ....... 

At the end - my anxiety / emotions just overflowed and I landed up in tears... and had a lot of reassuring to do that they were indeed happy tears....... 

We rested for a bit - and I socialized with some friends - going back to the couple a few times for hugs and strokes - and just plain reassurance all round. 

Then she started talking about rope.. and asked if I liked it.  I hesitated.  Rope was something I endured to make W happy - I can't say I ever totally enjoyed it.  She is a rope person and agreed to show me a totally different style of rope.. sensual rope.

I have no idea how long the rope scene went on..... it felt like forever.  And it was amazing!  She had a full appreciation for my piercing and made sure the ropes were intricately balanced over it... so that with each tug of the rope - each wrapping - every little movement of my body brought pressure to bear on the jewelry.  

Then there was a couple of stingy hits with a carbon stick - a true "bitch stick" and she asked if i was prepared to have the ropes removed.

AND dear god!  talk about torment!  IF I thought the ropes going on caused me blessed tension - the taking off was so much more!!!  I honestly have no words to describe the sliding - the rough and soft - the goosebumps that formed on my flesh.  

There is something about being cuffed to a cross - and then bound in ropes - so NOT in control of anything - that is hot for me....relaxing and reassuring all at the same time.

There were more snuggles and more hugs and kisses - and then they bundled me in the car and brought me safely home.  A happy spacey bottom glowing from within,

And so another hurdle from my past has been knocked aside - another small step towards being whole again.  

I am SO blessed to have so many friends to aide in my healing process.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Sunday Sentiments


just because it's been a long long time since I heard ANY blonde jokes :)

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Same Old - Same Old






I had a brief discussion yesterday with someone who voiced that Fetlife is really repetitious.  

I smiled because for some it takes longer to get to that realization - I had thought he might take longer - but didn't. I mean how many pics of boobs can you look at? How many cock sucking videos can you watch?? How many flogging videos?? How many words of outrage can you read?? before it all starts to look/sound the same?

That got me to thinking about The Journey........ and I wondered why folks come back day after day to see what I've written. 

I certainly am not writing the great American (or Canadian for that matter) novel.  I am writing a "diary" of sorts of my moments of joy - my moments of sadness - my defeats - my struggles and sometimes even my triumphs.

BUT I think if you had a day or two - and went back to April 28, 2005 and read from the beginning to here you might just see a theme or two repeated.  

BUT then life can be repetitious can't it.  Different Day - same old shit. 

I honestly believe that what happens from conception to death - is on your shoulders... for good or bad.  It's what you DO to make life less repetitious - more of an adventure.  It's what you learn / what difference you make/ who you touch  that makes things - even FetLife - something more than "summer reruns"
 

Friday, April 22, 2016

One More Step Forward



On April 6th I wrote "One More Step Forward"   back then it felt like forever till the party - two whole weeks - so much could happen in that time.  

I have been fussing over what to wear...... such a girlie thing to do (rolling eyes) but you see - none of my favourite corsets fit anymore  -- fuss fuss...
Then I had a light bulb moment.  I remembered a leather halter dress I bought about 8 years  ago........... maybe it would fit???   

So I tried it on - and lo and behold  - it fit fine. (ok ok I still want to lose at least another 10 pounds then I will say it fits GREAT) BUT I thought the neck strap needed the snaps moved -  who could do it?? And again I had another light bulb moment - I have a friend in the community who is very into boot blacking and leather.  I asked and he agreed to alter the dress.

Angel and i went yesterday to visit him and his Mistress.  He was gonna fix my dress -- Angel was going to negotiate with his Mistress for a play time at the party.   I was spoiled - not only did he do a minor adjustment to the neck strap -- but he conditioned the leather and polished it bright and shiny.  (8 years hanging in a cupboard had dulled it and made it wrinkly) 

Angel brought me her knee high leather boots.

I felt a little bit like Cinderella - a wave of a few magic wands and the outfit was pulled together.




So Cinderella is ready to go to the party.... to take one more step forward.  
 
and yet I have such butterflies.  I wish this Cinderella could have one more wish --

I wish I could be going with my poly partner -  to be able to play with someone who knows my body so well - who makes me feel so comfortable - comfortable in my own skin - but he feels he's not ready for public play ....... and I have to accept that ...... but maybe a seed has been planted and one day................ ?

For now I will pretend I am Cinderella for one night and go with friends to the party .... 

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Running



I was thinking yesterday how it feels like I have been running for months.  Running away from feelings..... not wanting to feel..... scared to feel.

I want to stop running  -- but god it scares me!!!

I have to start trusting again don't I ?? I am not really living fully / authentically if I don't stop running and start trusting again 

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Welcome to my dark side


I wrote not so long ago about a knife scene here on the Journey and over on Fetlife.

I softened the edges and made it more or less suitable for public consumption.  It was all brought back to mind this morning when someone on Fetlife wrote a knife scene that took it to a place even I didn't see coming.  One sentence at the end and the darkness in me sat up and took notice.

It's really difficult to explain (and not scare people) - what a fine line some of us walk in our scenes.  Where the boundaries can get blurred and the mind seeks what the mind seeks - more endorphins - higher highs - the taste for greater pain 

And fortunately 99% of us know when that limit has been reached - and the sane ones amongst us - stop - pull back and let reality shine a small beam of light into the darkness that has become us.

But this writing this morning - didn't stop and let reality shine its small beam - and it was startling and scary and yet still pulled me into the darkness ...... 

Don't ever think that what some of us do is anywhere near safe sane and consensual
And don't ever think for one moment that one can be lax in selecting a partner to play with .......... 

especially when one plays on the Dark Side.


(btw - I do believe that magnificently evil story will be pulled by the "care bears" by mid morning)   

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Another test

 

Ok I admit it - I have a "thing" for tests.  And yeah I know they are mostly a bunch of crap.  BUT ya know every once in a while you take one and it hits the nail on the head - describes you exactly!! 


Well the other day on Fetlife I stumbled across this sexual preference test.  I bookmarked the link and took it yesterday.  I am always honest but tend to be brutally honest when taking these tests - after all no one is actually gonna see what I put down right?? LOL

Here are my results - and I have to say - it nailed me right on!

 

Beiter Sexuality Preference Indicator Results

Partner orientationSubmissive: You indicated that you are most comfortable with being the submissive partner, which typically means you are waiting for your partner to initiate sexual activity with you to confirm their desire for you.
Arousal methodTouch: You indicated that you are usually aroused through being touched by your partner.
PleasurePhysical: You indicated that you more often experience your sexual pleasure through heightened physical sensations.
Sexual encountersAdventuresome: You indicated that you feel most comfortable in your sexual encounters where there are experiences of variety and creativity.

Open-minded and flexible, easy-going until differences arise in the sexual harmony, responding immediately to re-establish sexual equilibrium to the relationship. Tend to be reserved in the pursuit of their sexual adventures and the experience of their pleasure and satisfaction.

Sexual preference test 

Monday, April 18, 2016

Acknowledgement





The above is what I found when I googled 'polyamorous" in google images.

It hasn't been a big secret that in the last few months I have decided poly was the right fit for me.  And that I have had 2 active play partners.  

BUT neither of these relationships has been public.  One I am totally fine with it being discrete - that was all discussed and agreed upon at the very beginning.  And I am good with it  - there is honesty and expectations and needs clearly covered. 

The other was always identified as poly.  Yet there was no public acknowledgement of it.  And with time I began to feel - rightly or wrongly - like I was living in the shadows.  AND it was wearing down my sense of self.  

BUT I put the blame on my shoulders - I let things go along status quo.  I didn't say I need/want some progression.  AND I know that he is/was having his own struggles and I  came to understand them - slowly - but still with some confusion.

We have been talking more - which is a good thing.... always a good thing.  

Yesterday a slow metamorphosis began......first he acknowledged one partner .......... then a stall and my heart sank ........ and instead of being patient - I jumped the gun - and was told to be patient.  I didn't understand....... and was confused and yeah a little bit hurt......... 

but then there it was - the public acknowledgement of poly partner.  And ya know - it felt an awful lot like walking out of the darkness into the sunshine.  No secrets - no pretending - no hiding what is.

In a lot of ways this acknowledgement doesn't change anything - we have always been who we were - but now - I feel he acknowledges me .....  and that is a very good thing!

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Sunday Sentiments



This has to be one of my favourite pieces by Janis !!!

Saturday, April 16, 2016

SLUT


Last night on Fetlife I saw that Angel had signed up for a "Slutwalk" in June.  I had heard of Slutwalks - but have never been on one,  

I have never been raped.

I have never had my consent violated.

BUT I have talked with women who have been raped
And I read more and more articles on FetLife about consent violation.

I am a protester from way back ........ hell I grew up during the Vietnam war - make love not war and flower children and burning your bra.  (yeah yeah most of you will probably have to google all that) 

But I stopped protesting a long time ago 

Something about this protest caught my attention.  OH I have heard about them in previous years - but I never did anything - it seemed to me something the young kids did..... 

This time I realized there are no age limits on rape or consent violation. and there are still men out there who honestly believe that the way a woman dresses indicates her consent!  Hell there was some bright spot on Fetlife a while ago who actually posted (I couldn't believe it) that women "ask for it" when they dress a certain way.... 

So yeah - I'm gonna make a sign -- I rather like the one above - and find my slutty-ist clothes (ok ok stop laughing Angel I know that will be a stretch!!) and go join a protest march in June........ 

Obviously there are still laws and attitudes to change!!

 

Friday, April 15, 2016

The Big Bad Wolf

I have been in the lifestyle for over 30 years now I guess...... but it's not so long that I have forgotten how hard it is to take the first steps out into public -- hell when I moved here it was a bit like being a newbie all over again.

I had such wonderful mentors when I first entered the scene - and I promised that I would pay it forward.  And I have tried to do just that!

About a week ago I was checking the RSVP's to a munch I go to and I noticed there was a new name.  I went and checked her profile and not only is she a newbie to kink - she's a newbie to the area.  

So I reached out.  I sent her a private message introducing myself - and saying that the munch she was thinking about attending was a fun event - with good people!!
She wrote back - I wrote back - and we landed up - in a very brief time - sharing some good laughs.  I think my offer to do deep breathing exercises with her in the parking lot did a lot to break the ice.  She thanked me over and over for reaching out to her and actually agreed to meet me before the munch for those deep breathing exercises!

Then this morning I got a  message from her.  She apologized but said she just couldn't come to the munch.  That someone who was deeply entrenched in the group and been "bothering her a lot".  I couldn't even message her - she deactivated her account.

NOTHING but nothing makes me as angry as a Top/Dom who smells a newbie and swoops down and swallows them whole.  They often times come across as a gentle lamb -- but really they are a wolf in sheep's clothing.  

I wish she hadn't gone POOF - I wish she had given me and others like Angel a chance to show her how wonderful this community is... how we would have ALL protected her from the BIG BAD WOLF.  

In my opinion - wolves need to be rounded up and  removed from the herd. 

NOW!

 

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Older Women/younger men

Since I started "dating" I have had a rule that the male who approaches me can NOT be younger than my children.  It just doesn't feel right - ya know??

and yet they keep showing up in my message box on Fetlife - and I keep 'shooing' them away.

Then yesterday - I think it was - I read a note from a 20something that stated he had a "thing" for older women.  I read it with some interest - curious as to the mind set behind a 20 something wanting a more "mature" woman .......... He talked about being fascinated with "Moms" and I thought 'right he has a kink/fetish for a 'Mommy - lil boy ' relationship.

BUT then he dashed any credibility he had built up with his first few sentences by saying.... "I would fuck her so hard she would think she was 21 again" !!  WTF?

AND at the same time I had been chatting with a 30 something who had just moved to Kingston - and I thought (yeah yeah -- in "morningstar's world") he just wanted some direction in a new city......... 
 
nah not so much - he eventually got around to his fantasy of fucking an older woman.

At the same time - I was chatting with someone who said "I won't be a pity fuck for any KID" 

All of those factors riled me up a wee bit (cheeky grin)

So I replied to the young 'un's post about his fantasy for a mature woman by saying something to the effect " Do you honestly believe that only a 20 year old can fuck a woman and make her feel 20 again??? REALLY??!!! I would rather have experience than stamina..... and ego"  

Believe me - no pity fucks for this "mature" lady !! 
 

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Deep Inside

Some days I think I did much better when I wrapped myself in big strong walls - and locked the world out........



at

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Mental Connection

I don't like "mind fucks" they really screw around with my stability and my confidence.  
BUT there's a big difference between a "mind fuck" and "fucking my brain".  Someone said that to me this past week -- they said "the sexiest part of you is your brain - one must fuck my brain before they fuck my body".

We all know - or should know - the brain is the best sex organ.  And I don't mean just whispering what they want / will do to me ........ NO make me think - challenge me - hold my interest with conversation and my body (more than likely) will turn to putty in your hands,.

On this dating journey I am on - it is so easy to whittle down the ones that even have a chance!  The ones that do - do not send me emails saying how much they want to fuck me - delete delete delete,  They are not the ones who say "I am Master and you are my slave" delete delete delete.  They are not the ones who say our kinks match we should meet - delete delete delete.

No the ones who catch my attention and hold it - are the ones who make me think - who challenge the way I look at things - the ones who want to know WHO I am behind all the different masks I wear .............. those are the ones that I reply to - that I test the waters with....... can you fuck my brain before you get near my body???

And after you have caught my interest - you have to keep fucking my brain - it's not a one shot deal you know.   Don't think you are gonna fuck my body - and then just leave till the next time - fuck and leave - fuck and leave - wash rinse repeat! 

Find some time to talk with me .. find some time to laugh with me .... find some time to get to know me better (that can take a life time - cheeky grin) and for god's sakes open up and let me know you better. 

I honestly don't care how big your cock is - how skilled you are at fucking - how good you are with a flogger - it's how you value the woman that is talking to you - before and after - that makes me want you - that makes me want to learn how good you are at those things you brag about.

We say continually that trust and communication are important (main) values to "what it is we do" BUT I say "value the person first" and then add the trust and the communication,.... cause if I don't feel valued then my soul will wither and die with you.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Hands on Learning

After more than a year of not really touching my camera - of shutting down the desire to find that elusive shot... I went with a friend and excellent photographer on Sunday for a day of shooting,

The one condition was, I had to be at the door and ready to roll by 6 AM - yeah you heard me right - 6 AM!!  He was gonna show me the beauty of shooting a sunrise.  

and yes I grumbled and whined BUT .. It was worth it..... yeah I admit it - there is something about the colours at sunrise .......  






and then turn around and look at the beauty !! 





We spent the better part of the day out shooting.... I shot over 150 pictures...... and no I am not going to bore you with them all....... a goodly number of them are now to be edited - something else I don't do well and need to learn........ oh I see a few days of frustration ahead of me (grinning) 

But here's a couple of shots that I don't think need editing and that I rather like......












 After miles of walking and climbing over over under fences...... and having a wind burned face..... I came home feeling renewed - found another lil piece of me .. and fitted it right back in 

Saturday, April 09, 2016

Mutual Weirdness

There was a time I worked really REALLY hard to be 'normal' ....... but i am not normal - I am bent and kinky and more than a little weird.

And I really like it when I meet folks who see my weirdness and accept it.

Know what's even better ?? When folks see my weirdness and embrace it!!

I had a discussion this week with The Sadist.  This Sadist is a man who respects my weirdness and my ... what shall I say??.. my reluctance to display my weirdness - especially in public.

So we were discussing this play party I am going to and he said "when is it cause I think it would be best if I don't play with you till it's over - cause I mark you"

I sat staring at the words and all I could think was 'DAMN that's 2 weeks away!' and that's pretty much what I wrote back but I added "do I have to wait that long?"

His response was "Fuck no !"  and my heart soared.  Yeah it's that easy to make me happy - I don't ask for much..... I just need to know you know my weirdness and embrace it (small smile) 

Not everyone gets that I don't need or want for much - I have many 'weirdnesses' - and want to embrace / experience all of them.  I'm not asking for forever - I am asking for now... come embrace my weirdness - share your weirdness with me....... let's laugh and enjoy our weirdnesses together ...... that's all (shrug)

Some like the Sadist really get that .......... and it makes me feel valued and heard - which is such a long long way from where I was........

Friday, April 08, 2016

New Attitude?


I have never been a small woman - and it would seem I have always been on one diet or another.  AND they never "took" 

This time - for some reason I don't comprehend at all - I am not dieting per say - I am exercising and I am losing weight - now down more than 50 lbs.

There has been one small development - I don't "see" the weight loss.  and therefore I tend to eat less and less.  My doctor is very aware of this development (I refuse to call it a problem or see it as a problem!!)  and I am trying very hard to eat a minimum of 1200 calories a day - some days it's easier than others.

I have refused to buy new clothes because (and don't yell at me Angel) I want to lose another 15 - 20 pounds........ and that is another dress size - so why spend money on clothes that aren't going to fit me???? 

BUT the other problem I have is  when I do go out to buy something - I tend to still buy the old sizes ........... because my brain has not registered that I don't wear that size anymore!!


What a merry-go-round ride (le sigh)

A while back a friend wore a pair of Doc Martins to a party and I absolutely drooled over them - to me - for me - they were some sexy boots!!  AND I wanted a pair.  She challenged me to find a pair at a thrift shop - that's where she finds her boots.    I never have luck finding anything at thrift shops - but the challenge stayed with me.
This week - I dropped into a couple of thrift shops - cause I really wanted my own pair of boots!!  and lo and behold - sitting on the shelf was exactly what I was looking for - not Doc Martins but they called to me!!  How could I not buy them??? 



The only thing they needed were shoe laces.......... and I knew I wanted something funky........ so I went out looking and found red - bright RED - para cord which works just fine as shoe laces!!



I wore them all afternoon........ I have to break them in !!  Especially since I am gonna be going on that photo shoot on Sunday and need good walking/hiking boots.  And DAMN they made me feel sexy.  

AND believe it or not - they got me thinking about what other clothes I would like to get.  I want to find MY style........... and that is gonna be another growth step ..... a big one.

AND then - on top of all this - I saw the above meme thingy - "Goal weight - sexy as fuck" and a penny dropped.  I realized that there is no goal weight (really) to feeling sexy - it is all in my head!!

Now that may not be an EUREKA moment for you - but it sure as hell was for me!!  I have never wanted to be seen as "sexy" I was the woman who hid her sexuality behind big clothes and a big body .......... it was a safe place to be ya know??? 

Maybe my sexy new boots are the start of a new me??? I really hope so - cause I am so tired of fighting with who I was - who I am - and who I will be.

Thursday, April 07, 2016

Just a little news.......

For those of you who have been around here for a while know I was a "budding" amateur photographer.  I dragged that camera and gear almost everywhere I went.  

Then last year happened and honestly the camera got stored away.  OH I took it out for family celebrations and used it as a point and shoot.  But to actually go out looking for interesting shots.. going for the arty farty - it just dried up.  It wasn't in me anymore.

There is a friend in the community who is an amazing photographer - and I mean AMAZING!!  For the first few months after the break up he kept pestering me to go out with him for photo shoots...... But I kept saying it's not in me - not yet .... until he finally stopped asking.

At Easter I took the camera down to Montreal and pointed and shot pictures of the kids and the table and the decorations - cause ya know I'm the family photographer.  At one point I turned and reached for my glass of wine - and there was something - sun glinting off the stem and I picked up my camera and took a shot of it........... and just like that the urge was back........ 

So last week I approached this chap and asked if he would take me out shooting.  I told him after nearly a year I had forgotten most of the stuff I had learned....... and desperately needed a refresher course.  He accepted......... 

So this Sunday we are going out shooting - are you ready for this - at 6 AM!!  gotta get that first light ya know (grinning) THAT I do remember.

and here's the inspiration for this photo shoot

 

Wednesday, April 06, 2016

One More Step Forward?


As much as I have moved forward - there has been one area I have been reluctant to move into........ 

and that is public play.

In a year I have been to two........ one on the anniversary of my last play party (not one of my smartest decisions!)  and one more recently - but only to watch Angel play.

I haven't been able to wrap my head around going to a party and watching.  I know myself all too well.  It would open wounds that I was happiest leaving alone.

Friends have asked me to come
Friends have teased me 
Friends have even offered to find me play partners 

BUT 

I just couldn't do it.  Every time I thought about it I would want to cry.  It is the one area that has not healed........ missing the special intimacy of playing with my partner publicly 

Last Sunday one of the friends who has been asking me to come out texted me.  "There is a play party coming up........ was I ready to come?"

I sat staring at the text for a long time. 

I tentatively wrote back " would her partner be able to play with me" 
and I sat and held my breath.  It is still really hard to say I have needs...... really hard to say I 'DESERVE' 

She answered back "of course - and I would like to tie you and play with you too" 

I must have stared at the answer forever!  I had asked and I was answered,

So I dared one more request 
"Do you have room in your car for me" 

I so wanted to be able to play and let go and not have to worry about getting behind the wheel of a car

and the answer came back
"of course!!  that's what we planned" 

So in two weeks I take the next big step in this journey of mine............

am I really ready for this?

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