Monday, January 31, 2011

I AM NOT A CHILD!



A few weeks ago Hermione of Hermione's heart - suggested I take a paper and pen to hospital with me to make notes for upcoming blogs.  It was a great idea!!  The only problem has been I have not been able to focus on ideas - never mind actually writing blogs.  It has been as though my brain is seeing the world through a pea soup type fog.  

I had had a plan to start looking at my submissive ideas - at my relationship with Warren that went so very wrong last March and try to find some way back - not to where we were but perhaps to a new beginning.  I did manage to make a list of protocols and rituals that ruled my life for nearly 10 years.  I just couldn't figure out what had triggered the downward spiral.  After all - most subs/slaves have the same rituals/protocols and they don't throw up their arms in disgust.. so how to figure out what happened to me.

  •  I was never to enter a room without permission.  
  • I was to be naked - when that didn't work - I was not to wear underwear 
  • I was to always ask permission before purchasing anything (except essentials like food and medications)
  • I was to send a written report every morning before 7 am
  • I was to always ask permission before making social arrangements
  • I was to be invisible when we were out publicly - not seen or heard
  • I was not to freely engage in conversation with Warren or other doms - but ask permission to enter a discussion
  • all emails were to be cc'd to Warren 
  • all online chats were to be saved and sent to Warren
  • At one point - I was to organise the munches - including posting the event - reserving the restaurant and making sure all the name tags were given out
  • My fet wear consisted of clothing that was "slutty" looking 
  •  I was always chained into bed at night
  • I had to sleep naked - except when I was sick - then I was allowed to wear pj's
  • I had no privacy when I used the bathroom - having to leave the door open at all times
  • I was supposed to kneel at the door when Warren arrived.
 They don't seem so threatening or mind boggling do they??? Yet they began to grate on my nerves  - wear heavy on my heart.  And truthfully if asked - I am sure Warren would say - that they were what I wanted wayyyyyyyyyyy back when so he gave them to me. 

And  then recently I started reading blogs and articles describing punishment times/discipline and my blood began to boil again.  I realized in some way I saw all those rules as ways of dealing with a child - and I AM NOT A CHILD!!  I have managed to work through a messy divorce - buy my own house - hold down a job for nearly 30 years - and basically keep my life on track - why was I suddenly being treated like a child again??!!

At first it was all fun and games - it felt good not to have to make decisions after so many years of making decisions.......... I could apply my teaching philosophy to the life of a sub - a strong set of rules made the sub feel safe and loved - like a child needs rules to feel safe and loved.  It all made sense......... for a little while.  But - I AM NOT A CHILD........ and there came the problems.  


Love to me translated into honesty and trust and respect.  Adult love that is.  It began to feel as though this was all one sided..... all the trust and respect and honesty was coming from me... and I was never sure if it was coming back to me from my Sir.   There were times (more than once) when I knew for a fact that He had seen another submissive - had played with another submissive - without ever sharing that fact with me.  I felt lied to and cheated on.  That is not how my world works.  I am very monogamous - perhaps to a fault.  

I was not a child you could send to the corner when I confronted you on what I labeled as cheating.  I was not a child that you could throw up some silly rules that said "you were always right and always knew best".  I was not a child !!!  


It got to the point that Warren believed the Dominant Hype.....He was always right and I had no say.  It became a one sided relationship where I wasn't even allowed to try and meet some of his needs.  


And so thing spiraled downwards and away from me and I couldn't find any solution..... except to walk away.  


Now the question is.......... can we together work our way back up that spiraled staircase and pull together some sort of D/s relationship that works for both of us??!!  That doesn't reek of the internet or someone's else's plan of how to do things..... can we find our way back together at the top of the staircase?




    Saturday, January 29, 2011

    Lonely time

    I have had a bit of a blue day today.  I try to look for improvement and it is so small it is almost impossible to see.

    I get up in the morning and move from my bed to the sofa,  I try to walk around the house a little bit.  I still have no appetite - at all.  BUT I have developed a huge craving for ice cream.  I have almost finished 2 containers (they weren't full but still)  My fever hasn't spiked in 3 days.  The pain pills he gave me have cut the pain in 1/2 I would say.  Not as good as I hoped - but better than it was.

    I am not good company so I am glad (in a way ) no one is here with me.  This way I can slip down on the sofa and have a guilt free cat nap.  

    But it still feels a little lonely.  

    Oh on a positive note....... the staff from school sent me a gorgeous basket of flowers last Monday - yeah yeah it has taken me this long to drag the camera out and take a snap shot.  



    Warren picked me up a red silk rose - if you look closely you will see a little heart that says "love" It makes me smile every time I look at it.  


    The only problem is dear Miss Ashes has decided that Warren brought it for her and any time she can get close to it she strokes and purrs and rubs her face all over it.  But that's ok I don't mind sharing :)




    Thursday, January 27, 2011

    Doctor Doctor - part 2






    Ok so here's the scoop........

    Saint Warren came and spent the night here last night so he could get me to a 9:00 a.m. appointment with the surgeon.  

    Basically by the time I saw the doctor I hadn't eaten since Sunday night.  I was weak - to put it mildly.  But the pain in my gut from eating was so severe I couldn't force anything down myself.  

    The Doctor gave me a once over - listened to my tale - and basically told me that everything I was experiencing was part and parcel of having your gallbladder out - well for some people.  He told me I have to drink lots and lots..... I HAVE to eat.... he wants me out walking at least once a day..... and he gave me pills to manage the pain in my gut.  
    I took one pill with my breakfast when I got home and it was like a miracle - the pain in my gut started to dissipate.  Warren made me a tortilla wrap sandwich for lunch and it tasted like heaven - especially knowing there wouldn't be the pain.

    So I am home.  I don't see the surgeon again until the 16th of February.   If nothing else this whole experience will teach me patience - hopefully??!!!

    Wednesday, January 26, 2011

    Doctor Doctor



    A little health update........... (whether you want it or not)

    Sunday was my best day in the week of recovery - I was hungry - I ate - I moved around easily.  YAY things were looking up.

    Then sometime in the middle of the night I woke to chills and fever.  Not very high - just 99 but enough to be worrisome.  I took some Tylenol and the fever went away.  The four incisions are clean and dry and cool.


    Monday was spent sitting on the toilet or sleeping.  I put it down to over eating on Sunday.  Then late Monday afternoon the fever went up again to 100.  I had barely eaten on Monday - absolutely no interest.


    Tuesday morning I awoke feeling more like myself - YAY !  it was just a little glitch in my recovery.  Still no appetite and by mid afternoon  the chills were back and my fever was spiking to 101.  The Tylenol was still handling the fever.


    Here it is Wednesday morning - and like yesterday morning I feel weak but better.  I am sitting here drinking my cup of coffee.  BUT I was up during the night with fever and chills and taking more Tylenol.  I think it is time to call the doctor. 

    I am worried - who wouldn't be??? BUT truthfully I want to be better again.. I want to be my cheeky self... I am so ready to move forward with my life....... I HAVE to get better NOW!!  (I was never known for being a very patient patient)   Keep good thoughts for me ..... I'll be back when I can........


     

    Tuesday, January 25, 2011

    Symbols



    BDSM is in a lot of ways a very symbolic relationship.  To "cement" a relationship - there is usually a collaring ceremony and some sort of collar is placed around the submissive's neck.  Some submissives - like myself - had more than one collar.  A collar for everyday vanilla life and one for BDSM times.  

    Now I wanted THE collar as much as the next submissive - it seemed important to announce to the world I was "owned".  And yet I HATE things around my neck.  Purely psychosomatic - but it always felt as though it was choking me.  It wasn't long before the collar was rubbing my skin raw.... the leather collar felt as though it was slicing the skin on my neck.... and I began to wonder what was so special about wearing a collar. 

    Last March I had no problem removing my everyday vanilla collar from my neck - I had no problems packing up the leather collars to go back to Warren's.  I even thought how silly the whole thing had been....... collars pffffffffft !!!  

    BUT there was one thing I couldn't remove - I couldn't return and I hoped against hope that Warren wouldn't ask me for it.  It was my slave ring.  It had not been part of any collaring ceremony - it was just a little something Warren picked up for me in the January sales some 8 or 9 years ago.  It went on my hand and has never come off..... ever!

    That is until last Monday - when Warren took me to the ER.  I knew I couldn't go in with jewelry so I removed the ring and put it safely on my bureau in the bedroom.  For the 3 days I was in hospital I worried that finger.  I would tug at it and go to turn the ring and realize it wasn't there.  I would look up and Warren would be sitting there right beside my bed and I felt safe....... but I wanted my ring back on.  

    Wednesday afternoon when I came home one of the first things I did was squeeze that ring back on my finger (squeeze because the damn IVs had made my hand and fingers swell) 

    I came to realize that ring meant more to me than all the collars Warren has bought me over the 10 years.  It truly symbolizes (for me anyway) my submissiveness, my being owned.  


    It has also started me thinking in more concrete terms what didn't work before and what I think might work now........ but more on that another day.  The mind is willing but the body is still very very weak ................. 

    Sunday, January 23, 2011

    Improving







    Well today is the start of day 5 post-operatively speaking.  The last two days weren't so great.  Warren on the other hand makes a great care-giver!!  From making meals to vacuuming,  fluffing pillows to whispering re-assuring words in my ear He has been amazing.  

    Today dawned with a back ache to end all back aches.  I couldn't sit, stand, or lie down.  I was beginning to wonder if things were ever gonna improve.  I reached for the advil yet again !!!  

    Everyone says 48 hours and you should be up and running.  One week back at work.  I don't get it.  I am on day 5 and the best thing I can say about today is .... I haven't had a nap this morning.  oh yeah and the advil worked so the back ache has retreated.   

    I know I have had major surgery.  I know major surgery is a shock to the system.  BUT everyone told me I would be up and running by now.  It is most discouraging.


    Not a very cheery or cheeky or fun blog yet again........... 


    Maybe day 6 will be better........ 

    Friday, January 21, 2011

    Today






    Yesterday was such a good day........ I was on a high higher than high..... It was over.... I was alive... I was home.... 

    It felt so good to be on my sofa....... drinking my juice.... drinking my coffee... taking my advil .... moving around the house.. using my toilet without having to worry about pulling/pushing the IV pole around with me... without having the cast of characters wandering in and out of my space talking to me making noise.... I was home.. It was quiet... It was over.

    I felt so good that I busied myself around the house.. I talked on the phone to my kids..I checked in at work (via the phone) and called Human Resources to get put on short term sick leave.... I even took a shower and washed my hair.  I know it doesn't sound like a lot ....... but I guess it was a lot for only 36 hours out of surgery.

    Today is not such a good day.  I am weepy.  I don't want to do anything.  I am weak.  My belly hurts,  My head hurts,  (mind you I only just took my first advil of the day)

    Tomorrow I am sure will be a better day.  

    Thursday, January 20, 2011

    Cast of Characters



    It was some 30 years ago - the last time I had a trip to a hospital.  GOD things have changed!!!  I think patients should be handed flow charts and score cards so they know who is on first and what is on second (old OLD joke - don't get it - too bad)

    In the good ole days - the nurses wore white - with a nice little brooch attached to their chest with their name and usually the insignia of the nursing school they graduated from.  The doctors wore white coats usually with stethoscopes draped neatly around their necks with the listening bit tucked into a chest pocket.  They too had their names pinned to their jackets - not some cute name like Joe Blow, but rather DOCTOR Joe Blow, so you knew you were talking to a doctor.  


    Lab techs showed up in white coats pushing a trolley filled with mysterious viles, pill cups, and needles.   The kitchen staff showed up at regular hours and their arrival was usually announced by the banging of dishes on their trolleys, and sweet scents that almost drowned out the scent of "hospital".  They had hair nets on and colour co-ordinated outfits.  The cleaning staff were quiet slipping in and out of rooms with mops and rubber gloves.

    How times have changed.  The doctors mostly wear jeans and tshirts. Nurses, PA's (patient assistants - or orderlies I think they used to be called), cleaning staff, Lab techs all dressed in multi coloured versions of tops and pants.  I don't think I saw one name tag.   I had to ask everyone their name - cause I am a firm believer in using someone's name.  I hardly ever knew who was doing what to me... a lab tech?? a nurse?? a doctor?? hell it could have been the cleaning crew !!!

    One of my first introductions to "hospital staff" was this lil thing dressed in pink who came over mid afternoon on Monday - removed my IV tubing and was in the process of whipping out the IV needle while she informed me I was going home.  I asked 'HOME??? are they giving me antibiotics ??  Do I wait for the 14th for my surgery??' She stopped looked at me blankly and said 'Hang on a second.  I may have the wrong patient.'  DUH!!! 


    The next "winner" was the anesthesiologist who thought he would be funny when he was helping me move from my bed to the operating table.  He said "SOOOO is it the right knee or the left one"  and wondered why I scooted back into my bed, grabbing onto the bars - gave him the "stern teacher look" and said "you are NOT funny!"

    But there was the sweet nurse in ER - Annca Daniella - who watched as dipstick nurse tried to re-insert the IV needle - weaving the needle in and out of 4 different veins with no success.  Annca came over swiftly smoothly and with a bare minimum of pain re-inserted the IV needle.  She kept a watchful eye on me every time I would wander down the hallway to the bathroom - always giving me a smile and a nod - or a wink.  She came to say goodbye and wished me luck.


    There was the night nurse Stefan I met late Monday night as he cooed to the elderly lady in the bed beside me all the while he did whatever he had to do, calling her "momma" He became my night nurse the next night when I was back from surgery.  He was the one who fought to bring my blood pressure up, and to convince me to keep the oxygen on, who endured my giving him the finger over something (I don't remember this Warren told me I did it) He tried to get me to use the pain meds - but once I got it through the fog that they were feeding my narcotics I tossed the button to the bottom of the bed and decided that I would "tough it out".  


    There was the kitchen help who checked on my food intake - even though it was only bland partial liquid.  She clucked and tsked tsked that I didn't eat my oatmeal - and tried to coax me to try it - especially with brown sugar.  


    There was the cleaning staff who found me sitting up in my chair at 6:00 am the morning after my surgery - and fussed over getting the floor cleaned with as little movement as possible for me.  

    It just seems to me that hospitals are run by a cast of characters - and it is really hard to know "who's on first and what's on second"   Home is the best place to be.

    Wednesday, January 19, 2011

    Home Sweet Home

    There's no place like home.... 





    Yes I am home........ cause I was a bitchy bossy patient!!!

    I know Warren has kept everyone up to date - god bless him!!  He has been by my side through all this and put up with my crying, my short temper, my shorter patience.  He somehow divided himself between the hospital, his house and the condo.  He made sure I had everything I needed and then some.  

    At one o'clock today Warren brought me home.  I have a longer road to recovery than the norm but that's ok.  I will do my recovery at home.  

    Thank you to everyone who left comments and sent hugs and warm messages..


    Home Sweet Home.

    Monday, January 17, 2011

    It's Time






    I have faithfully - for 4 days - stuck to a clear liquid diet.  No caffeine - no solids - just chicken broth and water.  Yesterday I tried adding dry toast to the mix and things went downhill again.

    Today Warren is taking me to the hospital - the emergency room.  Hopefully this ordeal with my gallbladder is hours (ok maybe days) away from being over.  It is enough now - I am ready.

    Warren will be with me through most of it.  And will be staying at the condo to take care of my cats ..... I will ask him to post updates on his blog when there is something to post.

    Keep your collective fingers crossed for me please........... I'll be back when I can...........

    Sunday, January 16, 2011

    running out of words?



    I had a blog post ready to go up today....... about the snowy hazy Saturday... and how my thoughts were a little hazy... and then moved on (quite cleverly I think) to BDSM.

    Later when I was running the blog post over in my head.... I realized it sounded like a repeat.  So I took it out of the "line up".

    I have written - if anyone is interested - 1534 blog entries, over a span of almost 6 years.  And that isn't counting the Fictional Journey that I had up and running for almost 5 years - posting a fictional story once a month.


    Eventually - I guess - one just runs out of words....or original thoughts - even unoriginal thoughts.   I suspect this "running out of words" is not a phenomenon that will last too long.  

    I just need to plant some seeds - spread some fertilizer - and wait for the harvest of words............ 

    Saturday, January 15, 2011

    Your kink - my kink



    The one thing about being home snuggled up on the sofa with a whole mess of time on my hands - is that I land up watching a whole mess of TV reruns !!!





    One of my favourite shows is CSI (the original - set in Vegas).  And for some reason on Friday they had a full day of CSI reruns on one of the stations.  One of the episodes was about adult infantilism.   Now adult babies is most definitely not my thing...... sorry don't get the thrill of running around in diapers ...... but it is some people's kink.  Now from there it was a short hop skip and jump (well in my mind anyway) to submissives and punishment / discipline.  


    And I think the reason it was a such a short hop skip and jump for me was that adults (for the most part) don't get punished/disciplined.  Children get punished/disciplined.  Yet it seems to be a large part of the M/s or D/s relationship.

    I have seen blogs / articles on the net describing punishment/discipline for wayward submissives - I have even seen it happen in real life. Everything from writing lines (hell as a teacher I never used writing lines to correct a student's behaviour what a waste of time and energy !!) to over the knee spankings - to standing in the corner.  And yes - at one time Warren tried using punishments/discipline with me.

    I believe my struggle then - and now - is that as two consenting adults - punishment/discipline is degrading.  (this is my opinion please remember that !!)  I remember being stressed a good part of the time that I would "mess up" and disappoint Warren.  I remember messing up - not on purpose - but by accident - like any human being is apt to do from time to time.  And feeling smaller than small.  Feeling I had failed.  Feeling I wasn't worthy.  A whole mess of negative feelings.  And trust me.. after a punishment/discipline session when Warren would hug me and reassure me it was over and he still loved me and all the other bull shit that is supposed to be said/done at the end of a punishment session..... I didn't feel any better.  In fact some times I landed up feeling resentful towards Warren.

    Often times I felt totally and completely overwhelmed.  I was balancing too many spinning plates in the air......... one was going to drop eventually.  

    Over these past months of finding my way back to the lifestyle ....... to who I am ........ I realize I will not put any Dominant up on some damn pedestal !!  It is a long fall down.  Dom and sub alike are human.  We make mistakes - we screw up - we forget things.  I really don't get why a simple "I am sorry" isn't enough - and why don't Doms say "I am sorry" when they screw up........ cause trust me they screw up !!! 


    Why must there be all this anticipation of a punishment/discipline session?? Why do blog readers hunger for descriptions of such sessions???   It is really hard to envision myself - this 60 year old self - being punished like a 6 year old.  I will probably know what I did wrong - and if I don't - then a simple discussion of what went wrong should suffice.  Give  me time to apologize.  Give me time to change my behaviour.  


    And don't think for one minute that the Doms of this world don't make mistakes too.. but it seems to me that they believe their own PR..... "The Dom is always right" and a "Dom should never be questioned."  I call BS on that philosophy.  BS I say !!!

    I guess the bottom line is..... I am not into infantilism or child play or any other mind set that puts me in a position of needing punishment/discipline.  I left those years behind me a long long time ago !!


    Friday, January 14, 2011

    Limping along

    Well I am home snuggled up on the sofa with my liquid diet.  I did call the surgeon's office this morning - but he isn't back from the Christmas holidays till Monday.  Sooooo as long as things stay status quo I am snuggling till Monday.

    As I don't have a whole lot of philosophical gems floating around in the old head today.. I thought I would leave you with some pictures.  Enjoy !!









     

    Thursday, January 13, 2011

    Again...........



    Have you been wondering where I got to??


    Well I think the holidays - more likely the splurging over the holidays - has set me back some.  This has been a bloody awful week with the old gallbladder.  


    I am in the process of trying to find someone to cover for me for the next few days.. and I am gonna come home....... put my pjs on...... curl up and die.  (ok ok not die - just feel like I am gonna die) 


    Hopefully a few days on a liquid diet will have my system up and running again.......... if not...... well then the emergency room will be my next stop I guess............ 


    Here's to liquid diets and the magic I am hoping they can perform.

    Tuesday, January 11, 2011

    Oriental Influence

    Anyone who has read here for any length of time - knows how much I love all things Oriental - especially geisha.

    For Christmas Warren bought me tickets to go and see the Shen Yun Performing troop from China.  We went on Sunday.  I think it is fair to say we were both a little disappointed in the show.  My mistake was not acknowledging the difference between the performing arts of China and Japan.  

    That is not to say we didn't have fun.. or that we didn't enjoy the show. It was just not what we had envisioned.

    My favourite part of the show was the Cherry Blossom dance.  It was more along the lines of what I expected.  (For the most part the show looked like classical ballet - with opera thrown in for good measure)  AND I have to say - the sets / scenery were sadly lacking - nothing as brilliant as this photo..... obviously done for publicity


     
    As we were leaving the show........ some Chinese entertainment TV show stopped me and asked me if I would allow them to interview me. Believe it or not I became tongue tied.  All I could think was - 'you don't want me to say I was disappointed in the show'  I kinda got railroaded into doing the interview..... while my brain was hurrying to catch up with what was happening - the interviewer had hustled me into the limelight.

    I didn't rave about the tenor who had sung, like the man before me (who obviously knew much more about the troop than I did) Instead I hummed and hawed and stumbled over my words - trying to find something nice to say.  Finally I hit on the Cherry Blossom dance.  BUT even then I failed miserably on saying something arty farty about the dance routine.  


    Honestly from now on..... I will have a whole lot of respect for the 'interview the man  on the street' segments that you see on television from time to time.  It is very difficult to be dragged from the reality of the moment to the glare of the television lights and have questions fired at you..... hard to think on your feet.

    All in all Warren and I enjoyed the show.........but more importantly we enjoyed the time together.. a perfect ending to a wonderful holiday !!

    Today I head back to work.......... no impromptu TV cameras there - just kids and chaos and noise ............ that is most definitely my comfort zone!!



    Monday, January 10, 2011

    Jan 10th



    In exactly 40 minutes I am leaving to go for my pre-op tests.

    I am so scared I can hardly breathe.  This isn't just "white coat" syndrome.  This is fear that in all these tests they are going to find "something".

    Right now I feel so alone - and even if I had 100 people with me - the feelings wouldn't change...... because this is about me.. my body... people won't help.  I just have to do this alone.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I survived all the tests

    If they find anything wrong someone will contact me in 48 hours

    I was so drained I had a headache and slept for 2 hours this afternoon.  It feels so damn stupid to do this to one's body... yet I honestly don't know how to turn off this fear of hospitals and doctors.

    Thank you all for your support and kind thoughts. 

    Sunday, January 09, 2011

    Happy Memories

    Last week my eldest daughter sent out email invites to everyone for an impromptu sliding party on Saturday with a Tex Mex Pork Butt dinner afterward.  Everyone said "What fun" and marked it on their calendars.

    Unfortunately yesterday Warren woke up to his cold/virus thingy back with a vengeance (I will NOT go into details) and he sadly had to back out.  But I was game - even if it was bloody cold and I had to eat off the "kid's menu" because I couldn't see Tex Mex Pork Butt being on my bland gall bladder diet.

    So mid afternoon we all gathered at the local park for an afternoon of sliding.  My eldest grandson had received a snowboard LAST Christmas - and hadn't even taken it out of the box yet.  So husband of eldest daughter - a great snowboarding enthusiast - suggested the board come too and he would offer up a lesson or two.

    It was an amazing time !!  I was busy clicking photos like some mad photographer - trying to catch everyone's expressions.  There was middle grandson's run down the BIG hill - with success - and his jubilant shout of AWESOME ! as he rolled off the sled.  There was the baby who kept pulling his mitts and boots off then crying cause 'damn this white stuff is COLD'  Eldest daughter's dogs were as good as gold - even the baby who tried climbing under everyone's coats 'cause damn it was cold!'

    The snowboarding lesson went really well - one or two tumbles then eldest grandson looked like a pro on his board exclaiming 'how awesome is this!' (awesome seems to be the word of the week)


    But as I stood there watching all the frivolity my mind was suddenly flooded by memories...... of being bundled up and skating and sliding with my cousins on a cold January Saturday - some 50+ years ago.

    My dear Aunt Olive and her best 'friend' Miss B would organize skating/sliding parties every year after Christmas for all the children in the family.  We would skate and slide till our toes froze and our cheeks were rosy red.  Then back to their house for hot chocolate and supper, and some games.  I hadn't thought about those parties for I don't know how many years now.  But yesterday's party brought those warm fuzzy memories spilling back.  

    I am sure Auntie Laura created the same warm fuzzy memories for her nephews that will last them a lifetime too....... Family and memories - there is nothing more precious !!








    Saturday, January 08, 2011

    Asses

    We're having a 'family' day today.. meeting the kids at the local park for some sliding and snowboarding.  Then back to eldest daughter's house for some Tex Mex pork butt for dinner.  (Well that's what the 'grownups' are having.  I will be eating from the kid's menu - I will be SO glad when I can come off this damn bland diet!!)

    Anyway - because I will be busy today - I thought I would share some pictures of gorgeous asses.  I do love asses ( and yeah yeah Warren - I love small tits too - but today is ass day!!) 










    Now tell me those aren't gorgeous asses !!!   I just want to take a big bite out of them!!!

    Friday, January 07, 2011

    Christmas revisited

    Actually I had no intentions of re-visiting Christmas until this morning when I realized I never did share the final result of the turmoil over what to buy for Warren.  

    He had been talking....... and talking........ AND talking about the new coffee makers Keurig and Tassimo.  Every time we would be in a shop he would land up finding them and begin extolling their virtues.

    Now my dilemma came from the fact he had a perfectly good coffee maker, and had just bought himself a perfectly good coffee bean grinder.  IF I bought one of these new coffee makers for him what would he do with the appliances / coffee he already had.

    I brought the whole subject up at work.  One of the girls who works with me went on and on about the Tassimo - how good it was and how it wouldn't be a waste of money as she was sure Warren would love it !!  

    To me it was another toy......... but then as I tend to buy him toys for Christmas it fell into the right category.  So I went out to look at them and price them.  WHOA baby !!!  The Tassimo was $189 +  ............. for a coffee maker??!!  I don't think so.

    When I bought a new coffee maker a few years back - i bought the top of the line fancy dancy one that brews the coffee directly into a thermos that sits on a small hot plate.  IT cost me $89 and I was embarrassed by the cost.  At the time I thought 'who pays $89 for a coffee maker???'  BUT I am forever on the hunt for something that will actually make HOT coffee and keep it hot !  I purchased it and yeah - it did an ok job of making hot coffee and keeping it hot....... especially if I warmed up the cups first.  

    BUT I wasn't paying $189+ for a coffee maker I wasn't even sure Warren wanted.

    Then one day just before Christmas the girl from work came flying into my office and told me a local store had the Tassimo on sale for $89.00.  Ok that was more in line with what I thought it should cost so I ran out on my lunch hour and bought it for him....... along with some coffee discs to put in it .   Oh - for those of you who may not know.. the Tassimo is the one that reads the bar code on the disc and does everything but drink the damn coffee for you.

    As it turns out Warren was delighted with his brand spanking new Tassimo - even making a couple of trips to the States to buy different flavoured discs - ones he couldn't find here in Canada.

    So all's well that ends well.  You would think eh?


    Except......... 


    Now I wanted one.  My coffee maker was starting to act up.... leaking..... and not making the coffee very hot..... to the point I not only had to warm up the cups I also had to now warm up the thermos thingy......... and still couldn't finish a cup of coffee without it going cold.  And I will NOT drink coffee unless it is piping hot.

    So last week - armed with my gift certificates - I went looking for a Tassimo or a Keurig (I wasn't fussy) during the 'after christmas' sales.  EXCEPT....... the coffee makers were now going for over $200+       WTF??!!   I decided I would continue warming my cups and the thermos.... there was no way I was gonna spend over $200 for a damn coffee maker.


    Yesterday - Warren and I went out for lunch with friends.  (yes yes this is all gonna make sense I promise)  And Warren was talking about how great his new coffee maker was.. how he had packages and packages of different coffee flavours and how he wanted the stand thingy they sell to hold all the discs.  I said I was sure we had seen them at my local Walmart.  So after a lovely lunch Warren and I headed off to the Walmart.


    We didn't find the stand thingy to hold his discs .......but wouldn't you know it ........ they were selling  the Tassimo coffee makers for $89.00 


    And yeah - you saw this one coming didn't you?? - I bought myself one.  When we got home we set it up in the kitchen.  I am going to store away the one I have - for when I have big family dinners where I need 12 plus cups of coffee.  I cannot see myself making that many coffees individually.  


    This morning I made myself my first cup of Tassimo coffee.  (well actually it was Nabob) It hissed and steamed and made quite a racket for 6:30 a.m.  BUT my god the coffee was hot.  AND I hadn't even warmed up the cup !!  AND the coffee stayed hot while I wrote this blog......... (I just finished the last mouthful) 


    The pluses - the Tassimo is small and compact and doesn't take nearly as much room on my limited counter space as the old one did.  It made HOT coffee.  Clean up is a snap.  As was the making - you don't have to measure out water or coffee - nothing.. just pop a disc in and away you go.  (there is a water reservoir attached) 


    The minuses - I only had Nabob coffee and as I had never had Nabob before wasn't entirely sure what it would be like.  Can I say "YUCK"?? It was strong with a decided bitter taste (in my opinion) BUT I have ordered Starbucks breakfast coffee which may be more to my liking.  (I am not fussy on strong coffee)  And there are umpteen different types of coffee I can still try ....... till I find just the right "fit". 


    My addition to the kitchen. 
    My post Christmas gift to myself.



        IMPORTANT POSTSCRIPT:
    i just tried the Starbucks Cappuccino - I had to add some sugar cause it was still pretty bitter - but then - OH MY GOD !!  it is to die for.... definitely not a breakfast drink - far too rich - but yummy nevertheless!!                                                                                                

    Thursday, January 06, 2011

    Sex


    I went looking for some pics....... the search I entered was "kinky sex" ... believe it or not this was the best image I came up with.  (honest !!!  there were no weirdos doing weird things to women ........ just lots of cutesy lil sayings .. and faces of hollywood stars...... go figure !!)

    There was a time when Warren and I had "kinky" sex.  Usually in the middle of a beating.. sometimes though it had nothing to do with beatings.. sometimes it had to do with multiple toys.. or me cooking in the kitchen in front of the big window....... once or twice he even did some pussy torture - using clothes pegs or the labia lifter.  I did love the labia lifter...... though I guess it was a bit boring for Warren.. once applied there didn't seem too much else for him to do except enjoy my discomfort.  Though I wonder what it would be like if it was used in conjunction with an inserted vibrator........ ahhhhhh well the mind wanders off topic.

    Since we have renewed our relationship (for lack of a better word) there has been no sex of any kind - kinky or otherwise.  (and for anyone interested - that means I have not had sex with another human for over 6 months!  Thank god for a toy box full of vibrators and dildos)

    I had begun to think I was losing my desire for sex (to be honest) I have gone from needing/wanting/craving sex multiple times a week - to maybe once a week...... if the spirit moves me.  
    Then I posted that picture yesterday.... and found my libido was up and running again.  I started thinking about all the perverted nasty lil things that could be done to one's pussy... how many orgasms I could (or couldn't have) ... I was becoming antsy (to put it mildly) 

    Then last evening, I sent Warren an email - asking one question - a simple question - "Why can't I get that picture of the toothpicks out of my head?"  And his answer implied some interest ?? desire?? in getting into some medical play. 
    All kinds of images danced through my head - the result was a restless sleep and a growing need.

    Instead of "you me whipped cream handcuffs" I am thinking "you me handcuffs and pain" YAY baby !!  That makes for some kinky sex.
     

    Wednesday, January 05, 2011

    And now for something a little bit different............

    Ok...... so I am supposed to be working on tax receipts for my lil private school out on the island (if anyone is interested - I have been working on them since 6:00 am yesterday - though - ok ok - admittedly not continuously)

    I also have a load of laundry going... and intend to flip the mattress ... vacuum the main level and oil the wood furniture today.  Those are my plans......... let's all have a good laugh now !!!  

    The problem with working in my office on tax receipts - when I am on holidays - is that the computer is right here in front of me... and I tend to get distracted easily and land up wandering around the net.  I also tend to think about blogs that I would like to write.  And that lands me in BIG trouble.


    You see the other day I saw this picture on Fetlife.  It was - in a perverted sort of way - beautiful.  It involved toothpicks.  And that got me remembering when Sir tried to stick a whole mess of toothpicks sideways in my ass cheeks .. (hard to explain) It was really done as a joke......... and then kaya and her master got caught up in the joke.. and it turned from joke to challenge.  (We discovered later on.. that this joke/challenge landed up going the route of the net and folks in Europe actually thought it was a real challenge and some took up the torch) 

    Anyway........... all that to say... the other day on Fetlife I saw this toothpick picture.  And today instead of addressing envelopes for the damn tax receipts I thought what fun it would be to show you all this picture and get your reaction to it.  (also see if anyone is brave enough to try it)

    BUT ya know what? I should have kept addressing envelopes.  First off I couldn't find the damn picture again !!  Then after going through hundreds of photos, and finally going through my friend's latest activities I found it !!!  BUT ..   Fetlife has this safety feature that does not allow you to right click on a photo and save it.  WTF??!!  They're that good??!!


    But then I remembered how - a while back - folks were up in arms cause other folks were stealing pictures and claiming credit.  So I figured there had to be a way.  And I don't usually back away from a computer challenge.

    So I spent an inordinate amount of time trying everything possible to "steal" this photo.  I copied the whole damn page and put it into a word document. Then I cut the picture out of the page and pasted it to another word document.  BUT then the problems really started.  How to transfer a word document to a jpeg??? (I am sure there is probably a much simpler way - but - hey I like to do things MY way) .  I opened my photo program and tried everything I could think of to change the format to jpeg.  All to no avail.  (you'd better not be scrolling to the bottom to see if I actually did it - that's like reading the last page of a mystery novel !!)  


    Then I tried something called "capture" ...... I am not sure what I did..... but the whole screen blinked at me once and there it was.......... all jpeged nicely and sitting in my photo file.  


    After all that hard work you had better all appreciate this photo.  

    To try and protect my ass... the picture is from Fetlife .... from a person in Russia.  So I doubt there will be any problems.  Besides I don't know enough Russian to write and ask permission to use the picture.





    Now who's brave enough to try it???  Do let me know if you do.  Who knows we could get another challenge going.......... how many toothpicks can you hold in your pussy???

    Tuesday, January 04, 2011

    Discussion starter

    I admit it I love quizzes... you might even say I am addicted to them.  Most of the times the quizzes I take are pretty much dead on.  It always fascinates me how dead on they are... makes me almost believe in them.

    The other day I found a different sort of quiz. This quiz promised to work out if you were submissive, slave or bottom.  AH HA !!!  The definitive answer to what I am !!!  How could I NOT take it??!!!!!

    So I loaded up the quiz and answered all the questions.  The result was not what I expected... so I took the test again...... and got the same answer..... 

    Curious to know what it was??? 

    "The Caged Animal
    Like a wolf in the zoo, you are untamed, but captured. You won't do chores and you don't like pain, but you enjoy being made to behave.
    Hey! You scored 47% Service, 50% Pain, 59% Ownership and 59% Force"

    UGH !!!  originally I thought the result said I was a service sub...... but now that I have re-read the results I realize it doesn't say that at all.. It says a whole lot more.... results that are confusing the hell out of me.. 

    Untamed??? enjoy being made to behave??? 59% ownership??  47% Service?? 

    I thought I had it all worked out.. thought I was a bottom.. thought I would never ever do service again.. thought I was a masochistic pain slut.... thought I was an independent woman who might even dabble in domming again.  

    UGH!!!  just when I thought life was falling into place........ 


    It seems I am going back to the drawing board.......

    Monday, January 03, 2011

    Neat and Tidy


     Unlike most of the world - I do not have a blackberry - or an app phone - or an electronic agenda of any sort.  (nor do I want one)

    I have a date book.... an agenda... a calendar book... a journal.. whatever you want to call it.. I have one.  I keep important dates in it - like birthdays or appointments or meetings - I will write notes to myself in it... even shopping lists. I'll scribble phone numbers in it (usually without a name to go with it - which makes for some interesting phone calls)

    I love the feel of the paper, love my own scribblings in it.... with different colour pens (as the mood strikes me - or the pen I can find).  It isn't very neat or tidy.  There's lots of shorthand that only I can read.  But it keeps me on track... it helps me remember "stuff" !!  I even tuck bills that need to be paid at the bank in it, mail that needs to be mailed, even a cheque or two that needs to be deposited.  It is a handy hold all - do all and I love it !!

    Lots of people would look at my handy dandy agenda and think "What a mess!!" but it makes perfect sense to me.... It is my guide through the mine field that can be life.




    But it is my firm belief that if there isn't some sort of organization to life then things fall apart........ and get stressy ..... and get forgotten... or ignored.

    I wrote Warren an email yesterday.  Talking about stuff....... mostly stuff...... but in it I mentioned some ideas I had to get us both on the same page - the right mind set when we are going to play.  I think ........ no I firmly believe .......... that when we move from vanilla times we need some mental signal for both of us.....that there is a transition happening.  


    I don't think it has to be anything terribly fancy or ritualistic or crowd gathering either.  I think the simple act of my handing him my collar to put around my neck is sufficient for us.  I believe right now it is confusing and stressy to arrive at a play party with no outward signal that things are changing.  The mind needs some prompts..... a transitional signal.


    I need things to be neat and tidy and organized...... even if it doesn't look all that neat and tidy and organized to others.  


    I know Warren prefers flying blind... letting things happen as they will.  Yet Warren has an electronic agenda to help keep his life in order... help keep it neat and tidy and organized.  So there is a part of him that craves order and consistency too.


    I think we are gonna work on an agenda for play parties.  What to do when and how... 
    Yeah at the beginning it will feel a little funny .. a little strange... a little awkward.  But the more we do the same things in the same way....... the easier it will become.. until the day comes when the transition from vanilla couple to Dom and bottom falls into place as neatly and as easily as writing a new date/appointment in our agendas.  


    And then Warren won't feel as though his "mojo" is off kilter, and I won't feel as though I am topping from the bottom... and we will have found one new comfortable way to do this thing called BDSM - our way !

    Sunday, January 02, 2011

    Romantic Weekend.........

    Ok no description of our weekend away would be complete without pictures of our hotel room........ To be perfectly honest - it wasn't exactly what I had envisioned..... but it was ours for 24 hours.. a hideaway from the real world............ 


    Living room


    Sleeping area......
    Such a comfy bed !!!



    The view from our little "Juliette" balcony

    We had a quiet intimate dinner at the Royal Oak and then back to the room to get dressed in our New Year's Eve finery before heading off to the club.

    Miss Jenn (owner of Breathless) had really out done herself with the decorations... truthfully - they took my breath away.  The walls were covered with white sheer fabric - behind which were twinkling white lights.  There were hundreds of snowflakes hanging from the ceiling........ the food tables were covered in white table clothes with white netting hanging around them.  Most of the furniture was covered in white slip covers.  It was truly the right atmosphere for a "Snowball Gala".  

    I was surprised by the average age of the attendees.... mostly early 30's.  I felt a little odd and a little out of place.  Warren and I really didn't know any of them.. and all our "old" friends were no shows.  BUT to the credit of the guests there, we were soon pulled into groups chatting......... and made to feel right at home. 

    The big surprise for me was bumping into a young couple from Montreal.  To spare you all the boring details - the reader's digest version of this couple is......... she came out to a few of my "sub meetings" back in the day, and we got to know her Master.  I honestly didn't think much of them when they disappeared from our view.... they were young and busy.  But funny enough - not long ago I brought them up to Warren - wondering where they had gone... and wondering what they were doing now.  And lo behold they were at the Gala.  I was pleased and touched when they made an effort to come over to us and re-introduce themselves.  We got caught up on their news... and it was nice touching base with them.

    I was getting restless - a little bit.  And asked Warren if we could go play - before the stroke of midnight.  (now that might have been a bit bossy - but I needed to DO something.......... and somehow having my ass beat seemed like a good something to do.)

    I picked a massage table to play on as Warren had brought the knives and knife play usually makes me totally and completely weak kneed and I much prefer to be lying down than propped against some large piece of equipment.  
    He started off with a blue rose leather paddle I bought him last Christmas.  From my vantage point it felt damn good.  But I sensed he was struggling a bit.  And he did say at one point that he didn't know what to use... as he stood surveying the collection of toys.  I said I was totally enjoying the paddle... and so he went back to it.  And the scene continued with whips and floggers and more whips and knives thrown in for good measure.  I was all wiggly and wet and happy and dancing with my fairies.  Not realizing that for Warren there had been a problem.  

    Warren wrote about it on his blog "Mojo" If you have a couple of minutes perhaps you would go and read what he has written and if you have any experience/suggestions/ideas as to what happened or didn't happen you would let him know.  

    After we played we had some snacks - why is it every time I play I get the munchies - just as though I was stoned ??!!  

    Midnight found us wishing new friends and old "Happy New Year" ........ but best of all we wished each other Happy New Year - with a soft romantic kiss......... I honestly don't know if a "Happy New Year" ever meant as much as this one did .......... 

    It was a grand party - a grand time away - and a GREAT start to 2011.



    (talking about new years and new starts - I have decided it was time for a new look on "The Adventurous Journey")




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