Sunday, July 31, 2005
Friday.. July 29th.. was the anniversary of my collaring. Sir gave me this watch - a gift of time. It is a bit difficult to see.. but on the watch strap is a charm of the BDSM symbol.. and on each side of the watch face there are handcuff charms. A gift of time.
A gift of time....... i can not help thinking that there is no more perfect gift than one's time. Be it stolen minutes in a busy world, to a lifelong commitment to each other. Time IS the most precious gift........
i think what touched me the most.. not just with this anniversary gift...BUT with all the gifts Sir gives me... is the thought and creativity SIr puts into them. Each gift is a little bit of Himself. And that makes the gift so much more special no??
i must admit i wanted to say so much more .. about anniversaries .. about my Sir.. about D/s life....... but perhaps it is because my heart is just too full ..... the words will not flow like they usually do........ and so i will quietly slip away for now.. a bit like the geisha i gave to Sir in honour of this anniversary.. slip quietly away until the heart is quiet and the mind focused..........
Friday, July 29, 2005
As i opened my eyes to the sun streaming in the tent all i could think of was a nice hot shower. I had never felt so dirty and grubby in my whole life. I rolled over and saw that Sir was watching me. “Good morning littleone. I trust you slept well??” “yes Sir.. thank You Sir.. i slept very well. BUT i do feel so dirty and grubby… may i have permission please Sir to have a shower before breakfast?” i could see Sir mulling over this request. Then i saw His eyes light up and He answered “ of course you may littleone! After you pee in the bushes for Me, and collect the soap and towels etc, we will both have a nice hot shower!” And having said that Sir came over and undid the cuffs and removed the dildo. I scurried from the tent hoping to have some privacy for my morning pee.. BUT Sir was quicker and grabbing a handful of hair He led me back to the woods and the clearing where i had to squat and pee like some well trained pet.
Back at the tent i gathered up the soap towels etc and asked if Sir knew where the showers were……. He laughed and said “Oh yes littleone, Master R pointed out the showers to Me on Our walk yesterday afternoon”. I wondered at the glee in Sir’s tone, knowing my Sir, i figured there was something “special”?? about these showers. We walked around the camp and finally came to a little wooden hut set back in the trees. We walked around the side and i kept looking for the “women’s door”. To my great dismay there wasn’t any. Just one door to the showers! I turned and looked at Sir questioningly. “ Ahhhhh only one communal shower” He said and laughed. “Did you honestly believe you would be allowed to shower without an audience littleone???” My heart sank – i had honestly believed i would have some privacy for my morning shower. But there was no fighting the system so i followed Sir through the door. Inside there were sinks with many of the Masters already brushing their teeth or shaving, their submissives kneeling at Their feet holding shaving equipement and various bathing paraphernalia. Just around the corner there was a large communal shower room – no curtains just shower heads evenly spaced around the room – reminded me a bit of the showers in high school gym class – ughhhhh memories i could do without !!!
Sir ordered me to hang the towels and had me move to the closest shower head to the door. He quickly stripped down and joined me in the shower. He put His hand out for the soap and i gave it to Him. Sir worked up a good lather and then started to wash my body – working the soap into every nook and cranny. I hung my head in embarassement – this was one aspect of 24/7 i had never completely gotten accustomed to – Sir’s washing me. Once He had me fully lathered up He stepped back out of the water saying “ Now rinse yourself off and wash your hair!” I breathed a sigh of relief.. i could finish up myself.. AND give my hair a good soaping !! I turned my back to the shower door and tried very hard to ignore the others washing and let the water stream over my body enjoying the warmth and cleansing feeling. As i bent over to pick up the shampoo i heard, just seconds before i felt, the crack of a whip. Sir had brought the circus whip to the showers !!! As the tongue bit into my exposed ass i jumped straight up, grabbing my ass with both hands, and letting out a little screech. “hands down littleone .. finish shampooing your hair and rinsing off!” Sir ordered. I poured some shampoo into my hand and looked around desperately for some shelf to put the shampoo on – so that i wouldn’t have to bend over again. But there was no shelf. I tried to bend quickly but i was not fast enough. Crack went the whip as it lashed into the crack separating my ass. “OUCH” i jumped and grabbed my ass again.. now managing to get more shampoo on my ass then i would be able to get into my hair !! There was a chorus of laughter from the sinks. I salvaged as much shampoo from my ass as i could and quickly lathered my hair. I turned so that my head was under the stream of hot water thinking i was now safe from the wicked tongue of the whip. But oh no!!! Sir took aim at my clit jewelry and cracked off a quick stroke, the whip finding its way right onto the ‘target’. “ughhhhhhhh” i moaned as i quickly finished rinsing my hair and then started to rinse the soap off my body. I must have looked like a chicken on a spit… turning this way and that quickly, trying to get as much soap off my body before the next crack of the whip!!!
Once i was done, Sir rejoined me in the shower, giving me the soap so that i might wash His body. I lathered his back and chest and took some delight in lathering his bald head and seeing the soap run down into His eyes. I know i must have had an evil grin on my face – as Sir whispered to me “ Enjoy littleone .. there is still a whole day and a half of camp left!!!” i winced and went down on my knees. I tenderly and lovingly lathered Sir’s balls and penis scrubbing ever so gently to clean Him. Then running my hands down his legs to His feet. Each foot was lifted so that i might scrub them clean. Finally the washing ritual done, we dried ourselves and returned to the tent and breakfast. I was feeling cleaner and more energised – prepared for what the day might hold.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
i was supposed to be "granny" today......... from early morning to sunset. But sniffles and coughs and mid summer colds kept grandchild at home. i heard of secrets that had been told. It made me sad. Turning to Sir - make it right again?? Sir's prescription a day in the secret garden, curled up with a book, listening to the soothing summer sounds.
It is sunny in the garden this morning. Sun peaking through the canopy of trees. i curled up snuggly in my oversized sweater in my reading corner and opened my book. Rustling sounds made me turn and peer through the lattice work. Black cat with red collar laying in wait, tail switching from side to side. i peer closer - laying in wait for what ??? rustle rustle, and a cheeky grey squirrel somersaulted out of the hedge right down in front of black cat. Tail swishing quicker. Squirrel somersaulted away - leaping back up into another part of the hedge. Swish swish went the tail. My heart pounded - oh you silly lil squirrel what are you doing??!! i held my breath - doesn't it know cats are enemies??!! Leaping from branch to branch, chattering away, "watch me watch me!! catch me if you can!!" swish swish goes the tail. Another somersault almost onto the cat. Leap up, bounce around, jump over. Tail goes swish swish. My heart goes pound pound. What is that silly squirrel thinking!!! Squirrel dances around cat jumps up and an impromptu game of tag is being played. Squirrel up the hedge jumping from branch to branch cat leaping around falling back squirrel jumping down and landing on black cat somersaulting off.
Best friends it would seem ... secret friends.. playing in the cool morning sun.... and me hiding behind lattice watching in awe........ good secrets bad secrets in the secret garden...
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
the question was......You're supposed to list the five toys you'd keep if you had to give everything else away.
ok so here goes:
1) the circus whip - definitely !! whips used to be my HARD HARD limit.. but last Christmas as a sign to Sir that i was willing to work on that limit, i purchased a "circus" whip for Him. And truthfully now, it has to be my all time favourite - see the fairies dancing - toy.
2) the downstairs crop - labelled as such as there is an upstairs crop and a silver handled crop........ the downstairs crop is at best nasty .. but from time to time it can - all by itself - bring me to orgasm........
3) the needles - for some weird and wonderful reason the needles make me quiver and drip......... and best of all .. after a particularily stressful difficult week, they totally relax me and bring me to that very nice head space
4) the ropes - there is nothing quite like a nice body harness with knots all positioned in just the right places to make me feel completely and totally under "His thumb". Best feeling of all is the sensual feeling of the ropes sliding around my body, tightening around it.... and then afterwards feeling the ropes sliding off ... tugging ever so gently at all the right places......
5) the $7 wooden Aries paddle (Aries being a kitchen shop here .. where after breaking a much more expensive wooden paddle Sir and i purchased this huge wooden stirring spatula that i then sanded and stained)....
Now one other piece of business.... there is a submissive who has entered a blogathon that will commence on August 6th. She will be posting a blog every 30 minutes for 24 hours... she is looking for sponsors and for ideas........ to read more about it please visit her blog at http://www.lifeashis.com/
(actually annissa's blog is in the "blogs i read section" ) if you can support her please do !!!
Monday, July 25, 2005
i wanted a secret garden.. a place for the fairies to come .. a place where i could curl up and read..or curl up and write.. or just curl up and enjoy the soft summer sounds.
Sir helped me create just such a secret garden this weekend. Mostly it involved dismantling and rearranging and some shopping too. He dismantled the patio table and the patio chairs and the ugly patio umbrella. He took me shopping for wicker and more wicker and nice rot iron umbrella stands. And when it was all done Sir gave me lots of permission to curl up in my secret garden and read and listen and watch for the fairies...
Sir says once people come to visit it won't be secret anymore... but i say when people come - outsiders - they will see a small patio with wicker furniture... they won't see my secret garden... because.. well... because it is a secret of course !!!!
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Today i got an email.... He had noticed and He wasn't pleased. Punishment .. put the collar on for the morning while i clean the house. Every hour i am to masturbate to orgasm and text message Sir telling Him. ummmmm now that doesn't sound TOO bad... an orgasm an hour till noon??!!! 9:20 collar goes on .. i go to the bedroom to masturbate. PROBLEM! collar feels too tight on my neck.. it is too hot.. it is too stiff.. i can't breath .. and i am supposed to ORGASM under these conditions??!! One orgasm one text message.. back to cleaning.. my how time flies when one is having fun! 10:20 time for next orgasm... only this time the collar is much tigher.. much stiffer.. much hotter... orgasm is not fun now... ughhhh.. done .. text message completed back to cleaning.......oh yeah did i forget to mention - no washing between orgasms so now i am sticky and wet and a bit musky smelling?? 11:20 time again! ok this is most definitely NOT fun anymore.... harder and harder to orgasm.... i try all the old tested and tried fantasies but they have trouble getting through the messages going on in my mind - collar tight.. collar hot.. collar choking.. one small orgasm.. ok that counts .. text message and back to cleaning. Only now one eye is on the clock watching it tick down the minutes till 12:20 ( i am guessing that 12:20 will count as noon ) and the cleaning looks a whole lot more appealing than it did at 9:00........... 12:20 try on my back, on my stomach, standing up one leg balanced on the edge of the bed, sitting, standing, dancing around... thinking all the while why did i ever think subbies who had this type of punishment - masturbating - were lucky!!! this is not fun.. really hasn't been fun from the get go...... concentrate.. no not on the collar !! concentrate focus .. one wee small orgasm.. that counts.. text message.. relief!
the power of mind games ...............
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Late in the evening after we had spent some time socializing around the camp fire, Sir took me back to the campsite and clipped my leash onto my collar. He picked up the toy bag and had me quick march to the large play tent i had seen in the afternoon. All of the stations were occupied and there were many gathered around watching. Sir had me kneel at His feet while He chatted with the other Masters.
Finally Sir tugged on my leash and moved me to a kneeling bench. I knelt up and Sir pulled my arms over and across, firmly attaching them to the legs. To be sure i wouldn’t squirm around, Sir also attached a spreader bar to my ankle cuffs. Sir moved around in front of me and laid out the “toys” He planned to use that evening – there was the leather tawse, the leather flogger, the buggy whip, the crop, the purple plastic flogger, and the wooden paddles. Before i could even catch my breath, Sir leaned down and whispered in my ear “Now make Me proud”. And with that He started to “warm me up” with a firm quick hand spanking. I could feel my cheeks bouncing and wiggling. I tried to wiggle, to squirm, to move – but i was well bound in place. The toys were picked up and shown to me and then used fast and furious on my ass, back and the tops of my thighs. I cried out – pleading with Sir to slow down let me catch my breath. My cries only seemed to urge Him on faster and harder. He stopped only briefly to ram a gag in my mouth saying “ you are disturbing the other Masters!!” And then He went back to make short work of my ass. I focused on a small little spider crawling over the toys. It stopped and settled on the big wooden paddle. I fantasized that it spun a web that fastened that paddle to the ground – preventing Sir from lifting it. But to no avail – it was just a fantasy! I saw Sir’s hand reach for the paddle and as He moved back behind me He whispered once again in my ear “ Ten of the very best and you will count them out!” Ten of the very best is a ritual we have. Sir would paddle me quickly five times firmly and then on the sixth swing give it all He had ( so to speak). After each of the HARD ones i would count “one Sir “ “ two Sir” and so on, until the prescribed number had been reached. Sir had never before insisted on ten and i nearly panicked wondering how i would take “ten of the very best” !! I heard myself count “one Sir……….. two Sir……….. three Sir……. four Sir………. five Sir……… six Sir……… “ and then on “seven Sir” i heard a crack that sounded for the life of me like a gun shot. I heard Sir exclaim and then i heard Him laughing.. Other Masters moved to stand around me. They were all laughing as well. The paddle had broken on seven !!! There was much talk of hard subbie asses and consequences for breaking a Master’s toys.
I was weeping softly. Sir bent down and caressing my back asked “what is wrong littleone??” i mumbled between the tears “i am sorry Sir but i want my three missing paddles”. And then i started to sob again! Sir laughed out loud. “your three missing paddles?! Fine littleone you shall have them! And He was offered by Master R another paddle so that He could finish the “ten of the very best”.
Before Sir removed me from the bench, i felt His hand spread my legs apart and His fingers find my soft wet spot. He murmured “ahhhhh you are a true pain slut aren’t you littleone! I will have to find something to soothe your need”. I heard Sir rummaging in the toy bag and then His hand was back between my legs and i felt the bullet being inserted deep inside me. Almost immediately the vibrations started. Sir commented to Master R who was close at hand “I do love these remote controlled toys. They tend to keep littleone focused on Me” and both of Them laughed, enjoying my embarrassment.
Sir removed me from the bench, removed the gag and ordered me to pack up the toys. I went to stand but Sir ordered “on your knees and use your mouth – it needs some exercise !” i clumsily crawled around the bench and began to pick up the toys, one at a time and crawl back to the bag where i deposited it as neatly as i could. All the while the bullet was vibrating softly inside me. Finally all the toys were collected and i knelt by the bag awaiting Sir’s next order. He moved to stand in front of me and i put my head down on His boot, kissing it, and murmuring “thank You Sir”. He picked up the bag and the leash and walked me over to another pair of boots. “Thank the DM for watching over you “ Sir ordered. Again i put my head down on this new boot, kissing it, and murmuring “thank You Sir”. While my head was down, ass up Sir gave me a quick firm slap across the ass and said “she does have a nice ass doesn’t she?” and the DM responded “ Very! Nice and firm and it does wiggle so nicely under the floggers”. I was glad my head was down as the humiliation was making me blush once again.
Sir turned and walked out of the tent with me crawling after Him as fast as i could. Once outside the tent, Sir told me to stand and lead me back to our campsite. Inside the tent Sir removed the bullet and cuffed my hands together and my ankles. Then He inserted a dildo, pulled the sleeping bag up over my dirty tired body and said “sleep well littleone – tomorrow is a big day !”
Monday, July 18, 2005
First of all it was a very busy weekend, and Sir had had very little if any time to play with me. We had been busy doing a flower delivery /arrangement for a wedding on Saturday morning, then lunch at a favourite pub in the country....... then a barbque with vanilla friends in the afternoon through to late evening.
My plans for sunday morning involved getting some laundry done and lunch made before Sir and i headed off to our monthly Sunday Munch in the afternoon. Sounds like a good plan right?? Wrong!!!
Sir decided mid Sunday morning that a play time was long overdue. So grabbing a handful of hair and giving a sharp tug, down the stairs i crawled. My mind was very focused on the laundry and what to make for lunch... but somewhere between the nice soft suede flogger and the buggy whip i forgot about laundry and lunch. i do believe it was somewhere mid strike of the "circus" whip, that the fairies came dancing and singing and sprinkling fairy dust. Sir had fun using my clit jewelry for target practice with the whip and did manage to land one dead on target!! Definitely time for the fairies to celebrate and dance. i swear i could see the fairies dancing on the long silver handled crop that slapped against the inside of my thighs. Helmut's nasty leather weapon of destruction had them dancing and twirling frantically. The fairy dust sparkled in front of my eyes leaving me all but blind. Their soft sweet music called me further away.
At some point, Sir took me down from the cross and brought me upstairs again. i could hear the damn clock ticking off each minute and murmuring.. "lunch time lunch time lunch time". Grilled cheese sandwiches seemed the easiest and least challenging of meals to make. (sigh) Wrong ! wrong ! wrong ! Burned grilled cheese sandwiches is what i fed my Sir for lunch on Sunday ... with fairies dancing on top......... (only i don't think Sir saw the fairies.... )
Sunday, July 17, 2005
i have been asked many times why i am submissive?? why/how i find enjoyment in this lifestyle?? was i abused as a child?? Basically folks are just trying to understand why i do what i do....
My answer is not an easy one.... i have struggled to find the words to make this lifestyle clear to others. Know what?? there are no easy ways to describe it.. to describe what enjoyment i derive from serving one Man, from the "pain and pleasure" He gives me.
How does one describe to a blind person the many colours in this blog?? in the world?? Can they "see" the beauty of colours?? Can you make them understand the beauty??
And so it is with this lifestyle.......
i will say clearly and right up front .. that 4 years ago when Sir and i were first getting to know each other, first negotiating the narrow line between O/our needs and wants.... that my thoughts/desires wishes and fears were all very carefully detailed and outlined to Sir. He is a reputable, trustworthy Dominant who would NEVER EVER do something to cause serious physical injury or mental harm to anyone..never mind His submissive ! On the whole a submissive is a very valuable piece of property and should be treated as such. How long would any Dominant survive in this community if He became known as an abuser .. or someone who deliberately "damaged" His property???
SAFE SANE and CONSENTUAL is the rule that all should (and most do ) live by.
i have no idea what it is about me that gives me such pleasure from being whipped, or tied up and needled.. or tied up and waxed. i only know that it does! That anything and everything done to me is done with my acceptance. And don't forget, i also get great pleasure from serving my Sir.. from making His meals to doing His laundry, to answering His phone...
And before anyone starts speculating.. i was not physically or mentally abused as a child. But somewhere along the way, my wiring was done a wee bit differently than others. (shrug) perhaps how we are "wired" is a bit like fingerprints.. we are .. each and every one of us.. just a wee bit different from the next.. let's learn to live side by side with each other .. accepting .. caring.. non judgemental...
We are .. each of us.. unique in our own way and special because of it... all the colours of the world :) :)
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Sir had announced one cold snowy day in February that we would be going to a BDSM camp in August. Imagine my surprise! A summer camp devoted entirely to those of us in the lifestyle. My stomach did a few flip flops but then – being me – i completely put it out of my head! It was, after all, a whole 6 months away !!!
Amazing how time flies – it was August and Sir had me shopping for camping gear – tents, stoves, sleeping bags, dog restraints. You know the kind - the great big screw that you put in the ground and tie the dog too…….. but i was to buy 4 – one for each limb. In the spare room i had laid out all the equipment that was to be packed – along with shorts tops swim suits rain gear etc. Sir stood in the doorway checking my progress.
“Put the shorts and tops away – put the swimsuit away. You may however take the sweat pants warm sweater and rain poncho.”
“BUT Sir?!! no clothes??!!! BUT this isn’t like going to the club Sir.. and even there all genitals must be covered! Surely i should bring some clothing??!!”
Taking my face in His hands He held it tight and slowly (as though talking to a child) said “ There will be NO clothing at camp! Except for some warm clothing in case it gets cold. You will be nude from the time we arrive at camp until the time we leave!! The only clothing I wish to see is that which you are required to wear on the trip there and back ! “
Ughhhhhhh my heart sank – butterflies took up permanent residence in my stomach !! To put it mildly i am extremely shy – especially nude – around folks i don’t know. And i wasn’t gonna know too many people at this camp a full 9 hours drive from home.
Camping weekend arrived.. and so did we - after a long long trip (made longer in part by the fact we missed a turn and went miles and miles out of our way.) Sir had been sweet on the drive – doing nothing to intensify my already heightened sense of foreboding. After all the formalities – signing this waiver and that waiver, getting our camp bracelets and camp T-shirts and winding our way around the camp – we finally found our little lot. The car was unpacked and the tent pitched, beds made, lean-to erected over the picnic table, kitchen gear in place and not a word had been said about my still being clothed. I secretly breathed a sigh of relief.
Once everything was up and running – our “neighbours” came over to meet and greet us. It didn’t take long for me to feel at home with the protocols – and what a glorious feeling it was !!! Suddenly i realized that what was hidden away from public view at home was expected here !!! What freedom !!! As though Sir read my thoughts about freedom He turned to me and (with that LOOK He gets) said: “ littleone what are you doing still dressed?!” i sighed softly and looked anxiously at our visitors. The other Master turned to His slave and repeated the same question to her. She turned to me with a devilish grin and started to strip. I still hesitated. Sir stood and went into the tent coming out with a piece of rope. He stood over me while i quickly stripped down.
“Stand and move to the tree” He commanded. I moved quickly to the tree and faced it. “Turn around facing the road, hands behind the tree “. As i moved to do as He directed, Sir slipped the rope around my wrists fastening them tight to the tree. Then He slipped the rope around and under my breasts then back around the tree. A knot here, a loop there and soon i was fastened to the tree, facing out for all the camp to see. I dropped my head to hide the blushes. Sir disappeared for a bit then came back with some sun block and a camp hat which He plopped on my head. Sir then proceeded to make sure His property was well protected from the sun, slathering the greasy lotion all over my body – into and around every nook and cranny. My blushes increased. As cars drove by looking for their camp sites many stared at me, others honked. I was so humiliated.
Not long after Sir came over to me and proceeded to place one of the temporary tattoos He had told me He had made on my right breast. It was His family crest with the words “morningstar – property of Warren” underneath it. “Now” He said “I am going for a walk around the camp with Master R and His slave. You will remain here as My camp mascot”.
It seemed like hours that They were gone. I had to endure the stares of folks walking around the camp or driving by. It was hot and I was thirsty. I needed to pee. Oh where was my Sir !!!??? I tried to see as much of the camp as I could from our site. Directly across the road from our site was an army style tent with tables set up and people scurrying around obviously preparing the dinner meal. Just down from that I could see a hot tub and a large white tent – in front of which was a large sign announcing “Play Tent” . Around the corner from the Play tent was a large swimming pool full of folks splashing and laughing and cooling off. I was so jealous. It was hot standing here in the sun despite my hat !!! And god I needed to go pee !!!
I felt a gentle caress on my back and I jumped. It was my Sir back from His wanderings. His hands slipped around me and tugged playfully at my nipples as He said: “ did you miss Me littleone??” I sighed softly “ yes Sir very much!!! Sir please i have to go pee so badly – please Sir !!!” Sir walked around in front of me… “How delightful !!! pee you say?? Well then I shall have to untie you won’t I??” Relief flooded through me, my ordeal was finally over.
The ropes were removed and i was hopping from one foot to the other the need so great ! Sir smiled pleasantly which made my stomach knot! “Follow me” He commanded …… as He marched off towards to the woods. I followed quickly behind figuring we were on the way to the public toilets. Sir however, had other plans for His littleone. Once we were in the woods He pointed to an opening in the bush and said … “GO”. I looked at Sir and thought I was going to cry !!! Pee – in the woods???? “ohhhhhh Sir” I pleaded .. “please please no.. NO.. I can’t .. I simply can’t!”
“Ahhhhhhhhhh but I thought you said you had to pee badly??” (By now the pain in my belly was growing ever greater with the need to pee… BUT in the woods??) I shuffled my feet, I hung my head, I may have even pouted. Sir stood, arms folded across His chest just staring at me. Finally I couldn’t hold out any longer and slouched off to the clearing and squatting down I peed – my face the colour of a bright red tomatoe.
When I returned to Sir’s side He patted my ass and said proudly “Now that wasn’t so bad was it??!!! And the weekend has just begun! You shall see what other wonderful plans I have for you !!” And with those words turned and walked back towards our campsite.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
i have been living the easy life since work finished.... late breakfasts, coffee outside with the paper (though i have to admit to seldom if ever reading the news, but i do love the crossword puzzle). A few tasks to keep the house tidy, workouts on the treadmill so i don't get toooo lazy and then back under the umbrella for lunch with a good book. Not a whole lot of ambition - but then i kinda use up all my ambition during the winter months. This is my time to recharge the batteries and spoil myself.
But i was thinking today.. it has been a longggggggg time since i wrote a short story. i have written more than a few in the past (some you might just stumble across if you are surfing the net)..... and i have been toying with the idea of starting a story here in my blog..........
and i have been dreaming of camping trips, and visits with friends in the States, and entertaining under the stars - though right now it would seem O/our friends are busy holding the barbques and Sir and i are busy attending... not leaving much time for entertaining or camping or visiting or for me to recharge..........
summer time and the living sure is easy.............
Monday, July 11, 2005
i have tried and tried to put the html code that would display my results in my blog... BUT for some reason the html code from the test seems to interfere somehow with the html code for the blog.. so i will have to resort to the old cut and paste feature......
If anyone else would like to take the test .. the link is:
my results are as follows: (and i might add this should definitely put to rest all the debates that rage around whether i am domme or not !!! cheeky grin)
You are 15% Dominant and 77% Submissive!
Hit me harder sir! You know what you like. Lick the boots and taste the leather. You enjoy a heavy hand over you, telling you what to do. You live to serve.. and love it. Masochism is the only way to be!
However Sunday morning right after breakfast, Sir sent me downstairs to the playroom to lay out the new toys. Now how evil is that?! i got to lay out the instruments of my upcoming demise and eye them up and down till Sir came down and hung me from the chains. Also Sir pointed out to me, to really have an idea of how good the toys were, there was no point in a warm up .. or having me slip safely away to my "safe haven".
i honestly do not remember the sequence of events or toys. i do remember the leather flapper... it was only to be used on breasts / thighs/ cunts/ and calves. i tried to remind Sir rather loudly i might add... that i HATE having my breasts flogged or slapped. To appease me Sir moved immediately to my thighs and calves. Now i have never before done an Irish jig .. but trust me when i say.. i did one on Sunday morning, and was "singing" along .. "ouch ouch ouch".......
Sir picked up the two cute lil paddles and started using them on my ass.... i almost sighed with relief and remember thinking .. ahhhhhhhhh these are NICE warm up toys.... i was almost enjoying the experience when i heard "crack" .. and the cute lil paddle with the nice lil holes broke. (picture above).. i was informed that i would write a letter of apology for breaking the toy !!!
Then i watched as Sir picked up .. what i called the "sword" but was really a wooden stick with a handle. Now that was a weird toy.... it sounded hollow but stung like blazes!! It reminded me of the old wooden yard stick that W/we have in the play room. This "sword" left a rather nasty lil mark across my ass (picture above)
Testing over, Sir moved right along to sending me off into sub space with some of the more "challenging" toys that W/we own. Once i was off and flying, Sir pulled my hood over my head, tying it tight, then cuffing my hands behind my back brought me upstairs to the living room to lie on my mat for a little cooling off period.
After lunch .. Sir having fond memories of the morning's recreation, took me back downstairs and put me over the spanking bench for round 2. Quite truthfully i have few memories of the rest of the day........ i do remember going out for coffee in the evening.. sitting with the friend of the new toys and discussing the pros and cons of toy making and hard subbie asses..........
and that dear friends was a weekend in the life of a "toy test dummie"...
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Having said that though, i have been struggling internally i guess with my submission or lack of. i have been like a wild child, running free. i have craved a firm hand on my leash pulling it taut, bringing me back to the place i belong. i want to be claimed........ does that make any sense?? i have been so wild .. so free.. i feel as though i need claiming again....
i need to be on my knees head down waiting my Sir's pleasure.
A heading from a blog i read regularily (smiles at annissa) keeps going round and round in my head today.. "use me abuse me do anything you'd like" the "good" girl inside of me wants to scream NO.. beg NO.. but i want my Sir to use me and abuse me and do anything He would like .. and allow the "bad" girl .. the slut inside me out. And the very thought of it scares me and yet it also intriques me.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Once a long long time ago i was worried i was "too high maintenance".... it was a real concern for me ..in response... my Sir compared me to a Jaguar (now He will probably say it wasn't a jag but some other expensive car.. but i remember it as a Jag).......and funny it made me feel so much better.. and so much more valued.. i was no longer a subbie with overwhelming needs .. i was now an expensive luxury toy!
i have listened (over the years) to subbies complaining that their needs weren't being met.. not enough sessions.. not enough loving.. not enough of their Dom/mes....a switch once said to me (when he was in Dom mode) that submissives took a lot of time and energy.. and i smiled as His current sub at the time was bitching to me she wasn't getting enough....
It would appear that submissives tend to be "high maintenance" - if they are honest. Or high maintenance by my definition. And Dom/mes seem to be overwhelmed..........
Makes me think a bit back to the time my youngest came to me and told me she was pregnant.. my BIG question was .. do you know .. really KNOW.. what you are getting into?? Of course she didn't. How many first time parents really do know???? Submissives are like children (in my opinion) .. we need attention.. we need guidelines.. we need rules .. we need boundaries.. we need to be cared for and to be allowed to care. we need the rules enforced.. the boundaries firm.. the attention constant. This is not a game.. well not to me.. anymore than raising a child is a game. We submissives need to feel at all times that we are safe and grounded and cared for. Is this a BIG job?? You betcha!!! But i would think the rewards are limitless.... a well cared for submissive should be a treasure to her/his Dom/me. Is the maintenance worth it??? Yeah i would think so......... Dom and sub become as one well oiled machine.. or in my case a well maintained Jag.. purring along ..........
Monday, July 04, 2005
A submissive who's blog i read regularily posted recently she was having a "pity party" ... very descriptive term isn't it??? Maybe that is what i am having today.. yesterday.... who knows when it started?? BUT this is MY pity party......
i finished work on Thursday .. celebration time... well it always used to be a time of celebration... but do i deserve a celebration this year?? i couldn't hold it together for the 10 months.. actually i only lasted 7 months total.... do i deserve a celebation that the year is over?? i want one though.. i want to go out to the little inn in the country.. sit by the water at sunset.. eat a leisurely dinner.. watch the boats on the river.. and feel the sweetness of summer freedom flow through my body, just like all those other years at the end of June.
Friday was our National holiday.. Canada Day.. a time that has always concided with the end of my working year - part of my celebration. Originally W/we had 3 different activities to participate in on Friday....... By Thursday night the only activity i was allowed to participate in was cleaning the house.
Friday i cleaned and organised.. W/we were having a party for friends in the lifestyle on Saturday.... the house was sparkling.. even the addition to the playroom was completed on time.. painted and all the framed pictures hung. i was pleased.. i hoped Sir would be pleased as well.... Sir arrived hot and tired ... W/we had a quiet afternoon.. quiet supper.. and then surprise surprise late in the evening Sir told me to fetch the needles.... there was a small needle play session.... then off to bed..
Saturday was last minute shopping /running around in preparation for Saturday night's festivities... and then 20 people arrived and were entertained. A swap meet/play party. my stomach was in knots .. would it work?? something like this really hadn't ever been tried before.....Final analysis.. everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and some even did some swapping. Sir had taken me down and put me on the cross late into the party... but i guess neither one of U/us was really into it......... it lasted a total of maybe10 minutes... then He took me down off the cross whispering in my ear .. that there would be more.. a promise of fun on Sunday..
Sunday.... tired .. feeling as though i was hung over (even though i never touch liquor.. i do manage to suffer the feelings of a hangover from time to time :(
Sir seemed playful.. spraying me occasionally with the water bottle reserved for the kitty cat's training.... playfully i asked if i was His kitty cat. A little sexual teasing ....
my body felt like it was wired .. electric currents running across the skin.. inside the need was so big it hurt !!!
Then the invite to go to a friend's house for coffee and a swim....... and i knew .. i was doomed.. doomed !!! There would be no further play.. no release from the need that clawed at my guts like a living being.
Ya know... i can understand orgasm denial... if i was told that is what was happening i could accept it.. i would even enjoy it !!! If i was told that i was gonna suffer from endophin withdrawals to please my Sir i would accept .. i would even enjoy it! It would all be part of a big plan....... BUT that is not it.. there is no planned withholding of pleasure.. there just isn't enough time or energy left for me..... and so today i admit i am having a pity party. Just for me.. no one else is invited.
Maybe one day i will really and truly get this... but for now.. i will simply celebrate my pity party.
Friday, July 01, 2005
Summer vacation is finally here !!! and as is my custom each June when the year is done.. i tend to take a look back at the year.. evaluate my work.. my life.. my achievements and my failures. Yesterday's blog of "games people play" was a beginning.......
Then i was reading the poem "Warning" by Jenny Joseph and i thought .. maybe just maybe.. i should start wearing more purple next year... try to keep life in prespective.. remind myself i really shouldn't be worrying anymore about 'proving' myself.. i made it.. i am here (where ever here is) and start to relax a little more.. eat more ice cream.. walk barefoot in the mud more.. you know what i mean...........
here is the poem for your reading enjoyment..... and who knows .. maybe you too will decide to wear more purple......
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn’t go and doesn’t suit me
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people’s gardens
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now??
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
We have been honest with the lil one about what I am going through and she has been amazing........like last week I wanted to dust the liv...
BUT be warned this post might be the things nightmares are made from......... So I have finished this round of radiation...... and if I co...