Thursday, February 28, 2008

Pictures are worth a thousand words...

Sir has posted to His blog........ mid week ...... wow was i surprised !!! Pictures are the reason i know what happens to me during sessions....... i sat there last night studying those pictures of my ass.. going WOW Sir put the cups over the needles???!!! no wonder it felt so weird (and wonderful)

Now if i had known Sir was going to put the cups OVER the needles i would have panicked.. i would have assumed it was going to be 'bad' hurt.. i would have assumed the cups would have pulled the needles out.. which in hind sight wouldn't have been a bad thing.. nor would it have hurt that much..... but still the mental image is usually - always in my case - worse than the actual fact.

i find myself still going wow.. cups over needles!! (and yeah yeah it probably isn't a big thing for most of you........ but it is for me !!)

And because my theme today is a Picture is worth a thousand words - i have also posted to my Photojournal..........

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

When it stops being fun.......

i read a couple of blogs this morning that followed the theme "when it stops being fun"....... and it made me stop and think..... it made me shake my head.......

ohhhhh and before i go any further.. i am one of the worst for blogging about "when it stops being fun"...... i have bitched.. and ranted and raved.. i have cried and whined and pouted.. but i think (please note i used the word THINK) i have come to the point that i realize that life is not always fun. Sometimes it is downright plain boring, and sometimes painful.

BDSM life.. vanilla life.. LIFE in general ....... is not always fun !!! It has ups and downs .. it challenges us to hang on till the rough ride is over. But so often we all believe life should be fun all the time. Funny thing that........ on my ride home last week from work .. i was listening to a radio announcer talk about just that...... he was saying we are so quick to run to the doctor's for pills to swallow that will make us happy.. will make life happy.. will make life fun........ instead of just toughing through the bad times.

My grandmother used to say (frequently) things that don't kill us only make us stronger. Yet we don't want to face/deal with the bad times.. we want instant fixes. We want our lives to be instantly fixed in all aspects.. we wish away the bad times instead of learning from them and growing.

If it was always good times.. always fun times how would we know??? Don't we need the bad times the un-fun times to compare our good times to??? And to grow as individuals don't we need some tough times to allow our character to grow and strengthen??

If i have learned nothing else from my journey with Sir.. i have learned that we have had some damn tough times.. sometimes we have clung to each other like drowning ship mates but other times our fingertips have barely touched...... and yet each time.. once the storm was over we have come out of it closer .. stronger.. more bonded to each other than before we weathered that particular storm.

Life does not have to be a happy fun time.. life is NOT going to be one continuous party of laughter and light and whips and floggers oh my !!! It is how we cope with the bad times that is the indicator of what type of submissive we are.. what type of Dominant we are.... IF we are in for the long haul.......... not just for the fun times.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Cock Worship

Adult warning!!!
This particular blog contains sexual content - not intended for all readers!!

(cheeky grin) Now that i have your attention..........

On Sunday i was being a tad cheeky - pestering Sir - bugging Sir - just being my bratty self. (and NO i was not looking for a spanking or a flogging or anything actually - i was just enjoying teasing and taunting Sir a little bit )

At one point i had my head resting in his lap...... and He said - rather off hand - "if you are gonna have your head there - you might as well do something constructive. "
i looked at him....... honestly truly not sure what He REALLY meant. He didn't take his eyes off the TV but said - "service me!"

Now you have to understand.. this service does not happen very frequently in our relationship......... the reason is not that important to my story today. i quickly undid his zipper and pulled Sir's cock out....... my mouth slid down over the tip quickly and easily. and it felt sooooooooo damn good !!!

As i was sucking and licking and rolling my tongue around, i couldn't help but think/remember how it didn't use to be such a good feeling........ this blow job business. i used to almost dread His order. This was one of those "things" that .. in the beginning .. needed baby steps to get me there .. get me through it.. in one piece.

Not once did Sir loose patience with me.. not once did He scold me.. or make me feel inadequate (and god knows i most probably was - maybe even still am - inadequate that is) It finally got to the point that when the order came "service me" i could do it without a knot in my stomach - without having to be in the shower (small smile at the memory) - without fighting panic.

Yesterday was completely different....... it took me a while to figure it out....... First of all i was on my knees .. Sir was lounging on the sofa.. so i was more or less ass in the air.. mouth on the cock....i had this snap shot picture in my head of what it looked like - and i kept thinking - it looks hot.. it looks really hot.. and it looks normal !!! From time to time my ass was wiggling.. and i could feel myself dripping wet !! wow .. that was amazing....... without any stimulation from Sir.. just my mouth sucking and licking and pleasing Sir i was getting wet and horny!!

And Sir has such a nice cock........ (yeah i know most of you don't need to know that .. TMI) but i have to say it... i have never appreciated the appearance of a cock before........ but Sir's is so nice looking and tasting !! He is circumsized (and i am sorry to all you men out there who are cringing and crossing your legs ) but for me there is something very aesthetic about a circumcised penis. And as it grows....... it fills my mouth...... length and width. It doesn't turn a nasty ugly colour either ...... there is something about cocks that turn blue or purplish that worry me.

i think i finally understood the term "cock worship". It has always been a term that seemed beyond my comprehension....... until yesterday that is. i found myself totally and completely immersed in Sir's cock...... in it's shape and size and taste and the small pulse that i felt at the base .........

And i couldn't help but think........ if it hadn't been for Sir's baby steps all those years ago....... i would have missed out on this wondrous feeling....... cock worship. And i would have missed out on the spontaneous combustion of my own body.
Life is a wondrous journey - especially when you can take baby steps to get there.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Wax on Wax off

Remember the movie Karate Kid??

Remember the famous line (well ok ok famous to me .. cause i remember it.. and loved it)

Miyagi: Wax on, right hand. Wax off, left hand. Wax on, wax off. Breathe in through nose, out the mouth. Wax on, wax off. Don't forget to breathe, very important.

[walks away, still making circular motions with hands]

Wax on, wax off. Wax on, wax off.

Yesterday i felt like Daniel - the Karate kid - breathing in through the nose.. concentrating........... breathe breathe breathe.........
Cause Sir was doing his own spin on Wax on Wax off.. He was doing a clamps on clamps off................ all afternoon...... and i do mean all afternoon !!!

At first i thought oh good a few minutes of clamping and that will be it.. and that is pretty much what happened.. the pretty pegs were put on .. and after 20 minutes Sir removed them....... none too gently either.

i settled down to watch TV and basically put the peg incident out of my mind. i am not sure how much time passed....... but the next thing i knew Sir was standing over me with that evil wicked grin Dominants get - sometimes - and He was holding the pretty lil pegs and spreading my legs.

Ok ok.. twice in one afternoon - not such a bad thing - nothing to really 'bitch' about. But come on folks !!! After 2 hours PLUS of pegs on pegs off........ my pussy was beginning to ache .. cringe and shrink up......... my mind rebelled when i saw Sir stand - never mind come near me with the pegs !! Where it had hurt a little bit going on.. and a bit more coming off.. now it hurt THINKING about them going on............

Dear friends i am here to tell you........ the more the clamps/pegs are put on..and taken off.. the more they hurt !!! and i could hear Miyagi saying "breath in through the nose and out through the mouth - don't forget to breathe very important"

And then .. as though that hadn't been enough torture... Sir and i were due at a munch last evening....... exactly one hour before we were to leave for the dinner........ Sir told me to have my shower.. dry my hair and present my naked body to Him for a cropping......... do you have any idea how much a simple cropping can hurt more after a nice hot shower?? after the hot water has worked its magic softening the skin.. relaxing the muscles???

It is safe to assume that i spent a good part of the munch with a tender throbbing pussy......... and a warm ass.............

(what a fun Saturday !!!!!!!!!!!)

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


It was brought to my attention last evening by a couple of people that i hadn't posted yesterday - geeeeeeez louise folks !!! i miss one day and everyone starts nattering at me???

Ok.. a quickie update.......

i am on my second month of chemical treatments.. the side effects are just charming... morning sickness that makes me wonder if i am pregnant (god forbid!!!) fatique that makes my legs shake just getting out of bed........ shopping or other fun stuff is almost out of the question...... crankiness that explodes onto the scene with little or no warning...... and tears - my god the tears !!! i cry at everything and anything...... and leakage - yuck yuck yuck i leak like a sieve...... There are two good weeks in every month - the 2 weeks that i am pumping the chemicals into my body..... wonderful eh?? !!!

The weekend however - despite my crankiness and weepiness - was amazing!!! One excellent session on Saturday night that had me leaving a huge puddle on the rug - it is so nice to know that somethings do still work!!! AND amazingly enough after the session and the orgasm - the stress seemed to abate for a while.... sex is such a wonderful stress reliever - dontcha know !!!

So like the good doctor said " take 2 orgasms and call me in the morning" (oh wait that was 2 aspirin wasn't it?? !!)

Keeping up with the plan of themed clothes pegs for each holiday / event...... Sir gave me heart clothes pegs (which if you have been to His blog you will have already seen) and i gave Sir heart clamps with magnets..... He had such fun putting the clamps on the pussy and then pushing the magnets together - forming a sort of chastity belt. It felt ouchy and awesome at the same time !!!

And so dear friends and readers that is what i have been up to..... nothing very new or interesting......... just hanging on waiting for the snow to melt - the birds to return - the sun to shine........

Sunday, February 17, 2008


On January 29 drakor announced a 'challenge' towards all Dominants. i read it with interest, and with i'll admit .. a little bit of wonder. drakor has done "challenges" before and has seldom been taken up on them. He tends to get very boastful after a challenge saying things like the Dominants slept through it like a bear in hibernation - or other such complimentary comments. i know he is just being a brat - but still i wondered why any Dominant would enter into such a game....... especially when (in my opinion) the dice are loaded against them.

This time i took up the challenge - and many wondered why........ drakor and Sir included !! (and i am guessing as you read this you too may wonder why in god's name i would take up the gauntlet that drakor threw down - considering the unhappy and sudden ending of our relationship) The answer was simple to me.. probably not as simple to explain.. i wanted to prove that i could answer his questions, i wanted to give him something to work at (after all if no Dominants tried he wouldn't have to come up with 5 questions, time limits, prizes and hard limits now would he???) AND most importantly i wanted him to worry .. just a little bit.

As it happened 5 Dominants took up the challenge and 3 missed the first question..... short lived challenge wouldn't you say?? (well you would if you had read the second convoluted question) Well suffice it to say i stuck it out.. gave drakor hell over his convoluted questions, convoluted bonuses and penalties.. ( i am nothing if not a teacher!!)

On February 14th - drakor's birthday (mark that down if you ever intend to enter one of his challenges - the first question had to do with his birthday) he announced the winner. And as usual he couldn't help but wiggle his butt at the Dominants and yeah a little bit at me. He also told Sir (all the way through the month long contest actually) that he did not expect me to claim the prize.

Now i ask you !!! for those of you who read me regularly .. do i impress you as someone who would start something and not finish it???? Surprise surprise drakor!! i claimed my prize. And what is the prize you might ask?? (especially if you didn't read the first link explaining the challenge). The prize is drakor as your prisoner - naked - for 168 hours. That is 7 days - for those of you who don't wish to do the conversion.

As only drakor can, there was much suggestive topping from the bottom about what could or should be done with your captive prize......... i had little or no interest in his ideas - i have had a plan in mind since the very first question (yeah i can be cocky about my abilities some times!!) BUT i was more interested in the hard limits that drakor was going to use to bind the winner's hands. (After all when he was with us - there was a list of 44 hard limits. So i was surprised to see the following list of hard limits sent out to contestants in this challenge - a far cry from the 44 dontcha think???

Hard limits:
  • Non consensual acts , children , those with out decision capabilities, animals or general public
  • Piercing play such as needles or knife play
  • Permanent marks of any kind including permanent makers
  • Insertions in the penis
  • Body modifications
  • Masks , blindfolds and gags
  • Electrical play
  • Hair removal by any method than shaving
  • Non safe sex recreational drugs
  • Scat play
  • inverted suspension
  • Breathe play
Now drakor loves to tease me about being dominant.. or at worst a switch........... and i am sure the question springs to mind why i would want to have a sub/slave .. as a prize from a contest or from the challenge of searching the net for a worthy participant in our life here in the Great White North. The answer is simple actually .. and brings me back to the beginning of this blog entry and the picture.

i bought that Tshirt over the Christmas break at Sir's urging... yeah i AM a bossy sub. cute eh?? BUT that is all i am .. a bossy sub. i rarely if ever want to dominant anyone.. i rarely if ever get pleasure from beating or tying or flogging or humiliating a submissive..... and when it is over i want my ass on the block.. and god i want to feel the sting of the whip !!! nah i am not dominant not switch.. i am just a bossy sub !!!

OH and in case any of you are wondering when i will officially claim the prisoner........ On Sunday March 2 at 7 pm drakor will present himself at our door for 168 hours ....... 7 days .. unless of course he finds some excuse to avoid the sentence............

oh damn shoot me now...... i forgot to mention that Sir posted a picture of some Valentine's gifts we gave each other....... talk about great minds thinking a like......... you can check out his blog HERE

Saturday, February 16, 2008


please folks.. try and understand here.. i was not.. am not.. pointing fingers at anyone in my last blog entry !!!!!

i just was trying to work out in my mind what that dear loving woman - my friend - must be going through, trying to process the secret life her husband has been living for 30 years.

i personally do not understand how people can commit suicide and not leave a note - i can not imagine a person lying to another - i can not imagine a person just disappearing .......... i can't imagine but it does not mean that i don't know it goes on..

i do not condemn anyone for the choices they make.. i just try and understand them.. and sometimes i wonder at the pain that we as human beings cause another.

That is all... nothing more nothing less...

Friday, February 15, 2008

Dirty little secrets..

i have never EVER understood people who dabbled in the lifestyle and didn't tell anyone.. even more so i didn't understand people who had vanilla families that they kept their secret life from.......

ohhhhhhh i am not saying that you have to give the family all the details... but my god they should know.........i have never understood people who cheat on their spouses...... or people who lead double lives and don't tell......... what do you think ?? that no one but no one is going to find out???

Way back when.... when i first found out about this lifestyle ..... i was married.. i wanted to explore and learn.. my hubbie wasn't all that interested.. BUT i told him about it.. i told him when i was going out to munches.. i told him when i was meeting people in the lifestyle.. going to a party...... it just isn't in me to cheat or lie... about anything. (which doesn't make me very good at diplomacy - even in my job - but i will do a blog on that theme another day)

On the weekend...... i read an article from the NY Post about a gentleman who had been at a private club in NY city .. how the scene he was involved in had gone all wrong.. how he had been found hanging ...... unconscious... not breathing.. how 911 had been called... how he had been in a coma for 3 days...... how the police had no idea who he was as he had no papers on him..nothing to identify him by.......... It was an interesting article on how bondage can go very wrong very fast......

Until yesterday ......... when i found out i know his wife........ how his wife flew down to NY City not knowing what had happened.. only to find out at the hospital....... from the doctors and nurses who had been caring for her husband for more than 3 days. i can not imagine the shock she must have had.. i can not imagine how she is coping with "information overload" .. she had been married to this man for 30 years..... she never knew.......... he had a wanderlust - we all knew that !!! and when he retired he was always off here and there skiing or cycling ........... and as she was still working she stayed home...

Now his little secret is all the talk in the press down in the states.. and yes in some of the papers up here in the Great White North......... Now the gossips are talking and speculating.. and all those dirty little secrets that people think are coming out.. how sick BDSM is.. how the dominatrix he was with was really a prostitute.. how if he hadn't turned to professionals he would have turned into a rapist or pedophile..... it makes my blood boil !!!

Good god they used to say (some still do ) that gays were the pedophiles....... does no one read statistics?? !!! So now the BDSM community has become the gay community of yesterday......... we are the bad ones.. the perverted ones.. Once again i am left thinking we are only seen that way because we stay so closeted .. like the gays once were....... we hide.. we deny.. but shouldn't we be educating?? Shouldn't we be saying "we're here we Queer (substitute "kinky") .. get used to it!!"

So today i am going forth to do battle........ a small battle.......... to defend the rights of everyone to do and be who and what they are........... without the dirty little secrets and gossips spreading lies..........

and all the while i will hold this man and his family close to my heart.. and say a little prayer that they can all work this out - come to terms - and that the love they have for each other will be strong enough to heal the wounds... that when he is well enough to return to the Great White North that the community will welcome them back.. that they will hold their heads up high and show the world that they are a family with much love and understanding and acceptance ...............

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Leave me out thank you very much !!!

Remember high school........ remember the cliques and the in crowd and the feelings of being excluded?? Remember the feelings of being superior.. of thumbing your nose at the odd balls?? Do we ever grow up??

i am tired of posers.......

i am tired of back stabbers..

i am tired of liars..

i am tired of people who exclude with a holy than thou attitude.......

i am tired of holy than thou attitudes..

i am tired of people who talk behind people's backs then embrace them in public.
makes me wonder what they are saying about us when our backs are turned.....

i am really tired of ass kissers...

Over 20+ years in the lifestyle i have watched people come and go.. i have watched people step on people to get to the "TOP" (sorry but i think the TOP is an imagined strata) i have watched groups splinter and fall apart .......and i never completely understood why..........

And i probably won't ever understand why.. understand people's motives....... all i do know is that this morning....... after reading a couple of emails ....... that i am disgusted by the total lack of honour.. the total lack of integrity.... the total lack of loyalty and honesty.

and know what?? if this is what the BDSM community here in the Great White North has turned into....... you can leave me out .......thank you very much!!!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Role Playing / Fetishes

i have had role playing and fantasies on my mind for the last few weeks..... for a number of reasons...
- i stumbled on a blog that at times is very difficult to sort out the fiction from the reality (which was one reason i started a completely separate blog for fictional stories.)
- the ongoing search for a slave has brought out the fantasies in my own well as the people who believe this life is one big role play - "today i will be the bad bad lil boy and YOU will beat me ass..... Mommy".
- and i have been remembering all the stories i have heard from folks about how they had abduction fantasies, prisoner/guard fantasies, doctor/patient fantasies.
Once ........ just once .. i had this fantasy.. role play if you will........ Sir and i had seen the movie Secretary for the second time and i wanted so badly to try the spreader bar behind my neck fastened to my wrists while i went about serving Sir. After that day i decided it was wise to leave my fantasies where they belonged - in my head !!!

BUT still people enter into role playing on a regular basis...medical fetishes ........

And yes some people really get into it....... but me personally?? well if Sir came into a room all decked out in Doctor's gear - i know i would get a case of the giggles sooooooooo bad that the whole scene would be ruined !!!!

Naughty school girl is another example of a popular fetish/role playing.........

Honestly folks - i haven't worn a little kilt and white blouse with knee socks in eons........... and to try and put me back in one.. with my grey streaked hair and old joints would just have me saying "this is just wrong.. wrong wrong wrong" (never mind the fact that my professional side would have some major problems !!)

Then there is the Amazon type woman with male slaves............

i have read the Beauty series .. and loved them.... but somehow rich women holding court over whining sniveling males just doesn't turn my crank - if you know what i mean.......... though it is a fantasy a lot of males do have..........oh hell it is a wonderful fantasy that a lot of women have as well.......... and yes i include myself in that group........ i do daydream about being held captive against my will.. made to do unspeakable deeds at the hands of some man holding a whip....... and in reality this is probably the easiest role play to bring to reality........ but not 24/7 ... too much of real life surrounds us.

There is the prisoner / guard role playing

Now i do have a "thing" for being put in a cage ....... at a public venue....... but mostly because then i feel safe..... and (psssst this one even Sir doesn't know) i don't have to follow Him around being over stimulated by everything going on around me... and wobbling on high heels (no neither Sir nor i have a shoe fetish!!) that threaten the sanctity of my old joints !!! BUT on the other hand.. the last time i was put in a cage.. some dummy Dom came up behind me and zapped my ass (without permission i might add) with an electric fly swatter that left marks for days....... that was NOT fun !!!!

BUT to actually be put in a cage at home???? It honestly doesn't do a thing for me.. boring comes to mind........ and for heaven's sakes don't imagine Sir coming down in a guard uniform to "interrogate" me........ pulease !!!!

Then there are shoe fetishes.........

And religious fetishes.........

and animal fetishes - such as pony play (which i could never take part in.. but i do admire those that do !!! there is a kind of beauty to watching ponies pulling rigs holding their Dominants)

then there are latex fetishes......

and plain and simple leather fetishes......

When i take a good long hard look at myself.. at Sir.. i don't think we actually have any fetishes per say........ nor do we enter into role playing......... i guess because this isn't a game to us........ and we don't need any games or role playing to spice up our life......... this is our life.. with the serving.. with the paddles and canes and floggers ........ with my ass in the air....... with my ass naked and accessible at all times...... it is just LIFE.

Red Letter Day

Yesterday was a RED letter day........... absolutely totally completely .. a red letter day.

Sir took me out in the morning to the train club (which was ok but had little to do with the red letter day) and then on the way home i asked Sir if we could stop at yet another renovation type store and look at bathroom vanities etc. (thank god for a kind patient loving Sir)

The second vanity i saw was IT... absolutely totally IT............ so was the mirror that will go with it...... and the medicine chest.........

Then the contractor/handy man stopped by late afternoon and went over the details and told us it shouldn't be a major job and he can get it completed in (hopefully) 2 weeks. (that's two weeks in the summer cause i don't have 2 weeks to supervise until then!!)

Then at Sir's suggestion i found a company who will refinish my bathtub and fingers crossed i will have a completely newish bathtub with some pizazz - they still have to give me an estimate........

By the time dinner was done i was glowing.......... that is until Sir brought out the crops and the lexan cane. Now see.. i sorta wanted to try again...... and i was sorta worried Sir would baby me and that wouldn't "do" at all.. if i am ever gonna get over feeling broken the sessions have to be Sir's way....... not limp along wimpy style to humour me.. and then praise me cause i did it!! Get it?? If Sir went soft on me then i still wouldn't believe i wasn't broken......

Well why i worried about Sir going wimpy on me is any body's guess. First the lexan cane.. then the crop........ then the lexan cane.. and it sorta .. kinda .. felt ok... but then Sir dropped everything and knelt behind me and thrust my legs apart and started in on me.......... i was dry .. it hurt.. it felt like the tissue was thin and stretching and ripping........ Sir pulled out .. wiped wet fingers across my ass and asked "still think you are dry?" i wasn't sure.. it didn't feel the same inside.. not by a long shot....... but Sir was right... my ass sure was wet !!

Back to the cane and crops.. and soon i found myself rubbing my clit jewelry hard into the rug.. it was an automatic response.......... and oh my god it felt so good !!! Next thing i knew - without warning - Sir had thrust into me again and was pounding hard ......... rubbing my favourite little spot .. and i was arching my back and begging Him not to stop and in the same breath begging Sir for permission to come........ oh yeah baby !!! it ain't broke !!!!!!!!!!!

on another completely different note........ sort of...
remember the post i did a few days ago about ruffles have ridges........ well guess what Sir did again this weekend??? Except this weekend Sir took pictures to prove that pussies can have ridges too !!!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008


This is gonna be short and sweet.......

i have added a new blog to my list of writing endeavors - Yes Miss

It is a blog about our search for a new submissive - the ups, the downs, the challenges and should we find someone it will be where we record the events.

And in case anyone is confused .. i have no intention of being either a switch OR a dominant...... Sir says i will be "alpha sub" .. there is only room for one Dominant in this household........

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Processing revisited..

It would seem i have confused some.. upset others, and just plain bored others with my post on processing......

i will not apologize for those mixed emotions/feelings....... this blog has a dual purpose to amuse and titillate at times........ at others.. help me work out the confusion .. see through the muddied waters... and Processing was one of those times.

Cloud suggested that it could be the treatments i am on that are throwing my body for a loop..... could be ........ He also suggested that i need an ass to beat - nope no way. swan told me to hang on.. not to go there.. to just breath deeply and try and go with the flow...... good advise.

And Sir.. well Sir is distressed by my feelings......... and i don't want Him distressed.. i want to be where i was.... but maybe instead of looking backwards i need to look forward.... i need to process this new way of dealing with sessions... i need to believe my body is not broken.. just slightly bent to the left .. and that maybe things - like dripping wet on command - just won't come as automatically anymore.. This is an older body now...... and an older body on drugs (can't you see that as an ad on TV)

oh i don't know where this is going......... but my mind is sorting it out.. i am sorta poking different parts of the brain and waiting to see if it responds.. i have tried the physical stuff to stir up reactions - including the favoured vibrator (the hitachi) with not much success.. maybe it is time to try some hot hot writings/stories... jump start my imagination and see what happens.. either way i am not giving up on this old body.......... i refuse to give up !!!

Sunday, February 03, 2008


i have noticed over these last weeks .. months.. that i am processing pain differently. At first i thought it was a phase that would pass... but it hasn't passed..... it looks as though it is here to stay....... and i am not that happy about it.

When the toys would sit in the living room across from me.. i would drool over them.. (ok ok.. i wasn't drooling in the real sense of the word.. more like dripping) and i was anxious to "get at it"........

Now the toys sit across from me in the living room and i try to ignore them. When a session starts it hurts.. plain old fashioned hurts....... but that's ok cause it used to hurt before too..... i would deep breath my way on top of the hurt and float away...... Sir would ask me "who loves Me" and i would quickly answer "me!!" and with enthusiasm.

Now when He asks who loves Me..... i almost want to say 'not me'.... in my head i am calling Sir every name in the book - it hurts.. He has no sympathy.. i am white knuckling my way through it.......

i thought it was the toys He selected.. the lexan cane..the blue floppy ruler... the whip.. the crops.. i realized it didn't much matter what toy He selected it just plain hurt.

Last night Sir was using the blue floppy ruler while He watched TV... the old game of watch the show - hit the subby's ass during commercials....... i was grinding my teeth..... Oh at first it was ok.. sort of a game.. but then i don't know what happened.. it wasn't ok anymore.. Sir even asked if i had had enough...... NO i hadn't had enough....... but i hadn't had anything good either. In my head i was using kaya’s safe word "stop motherfucker"... and it wasn't even remotely funny.

Somewhere between the anger and the pain......... and honestly i haven't a clue where........ it was gone.. everything was gone..... i didn't feel sensual.. i didn't feel horny or dripping .. i didn't feel the paddle (Sir had switched to the wooden paddle somewhere between one show and the next) i don't even know IF i was dripping.........

This morning my left ass cheek hurts....... a nice reminder.. of course there is no bruise..... never is...... and i have broken memories...... of giggling about Dopey and Doc and Grumpy (3 of the seven dwarfs for those of you not up on Fairy Tales) .. i remember laying against Sir's chest and running my nails over His nipples as His entwined His fingers in my hair.. a little reminder to 'behave myself' and then i remember being in bed.. of managing once again to yank the chains (that bind my ankles during the night) out of the frame...... And this morning......... well this morning i am left wondering about how i am processing pain....... and what happened.......... and will i ever get the old way back..........

Friday, February 01, 2008

Just a quickie

As the winds howl around the house..... and the snow and ice pellets and freezing rain batter the windows.... i sat and completed two tasks for Sir (who is - in case anyone is interested - stuck at home this snowy blustery night). The first task was with the ruffles have ridges clothes pegs......... and the other was an addition to the Fictional Journey (it is after all the 1st of February)

BUT i feel i should warn you..... this segment is a bit graphic and may not be for the faint of heart. You have been warned !!!


i was having a discussion with a friend recently who asked what if one is not submissive enough? i took a long time answering the question......... i had never thought about it..... but it was a good question especially for someone just starting out in the BDSM world.

And it made me realize that there are other terms out there in BDSM land that we seldom use... almost like they are 4 letter words.. top and bottom - instead of slave/submissive and Dominant / Master.

Why is that everyone rushes along to attach the title of either slave or sub to their names.. why is that others rush along to attach the title of either Dominant or Master to their names?? And you do realize don't you........ dear readers .......... that there are folks out there in the real world who practice what we preach who don't put titles or labels to it at all....... they just DO it!!!

And if you must have a label.. and aren't comfortable with sub/slave then what is wrong with bottom and top???

i was trying to define bottom ........ and realized........ while i was musing away... that the typical definition wasn't necessarily the right one. A bottom does not have to mean a person who likes / seeks pain without the commitment.. someone who will play with anyone for the pain and pays little or no attention to the protocols of this lifestyle.

A bottom can be defined........ in my humble opinion anyway........ as someone who is working their way through the many mazes of activities that make up the wide spectrum of BDSM. A bottom can be someone who is not ready to commit themselves to the lifestyle or labels - just yet. Someone who wants to try out different activities and styles before they settle ....... much like test driving a car. You seldom drive one car and say "that's it" because just down the road is another little roadster that looks so inviting....

So why not have an entry level label of bottom?? BDSM is not a one size fits all kind of thing.... It is more a multifaceted ........ try it on and see if it fits... kind of thing.

AND for god's sakes don't compare yourself to me.. or to other submissives on line or in real life......... (and yeah yeah ... i know i compare.. and measure and push myself to reach some limit i read on line.. or saw at a party........ but for god's sakes i am not always right you know!!!) To me the most important thing about BDSM is trying out what fascinates you.. have a fitting........ ok the floggers feel rather nice.. but the whip ........ no thank you .. not on your life. A couple of clothes pegs might be nice....... but clamps - no thank you !!!!

Do you honestly think i started out playing with whips and floggers and lexan canes and needles oh my !!!!! No bloody way....... i had one little rope flogger i had made.... soft rope.. and it would give me a nice red bottom .. make it all warm.. make me feel all warm and fuzzy .. and after 15 or 20 minutes .. thank you very much i have had enough now.

AND i only came around to thinking about service submission 7 years ago when i met Sir for the first time.. He offered to teach me about bondage and service (or D/s) and i said sure why not.. kind of a lark........ a little fun for a few weeks or so. And yeah i landed up hooked BIG TIME........ but that doesn't mean everyone else will be..........

The challenge of this lifestyle may be not so much about finding the right partner.. but finding your style........ something that will fit you ... not some one size fits all that pinches here and bags there and leaves you feeling uncomfortable. The challenge comes from trying things out.. slowly and methodically... with someone who is caring and kind and understanding... That in my opinion is the real challenge !!

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