Monday, July 23, 2018

Busy Weekend

Kid weekend........... so no play parties 

BUT despite mother sending the lil one off to another campsite at 1 on Friday (the exchange time) I managed to sorta keep my cool and didn't need help burying a body....

Saturday was filled with a birthday party -- the Fireman's Day at a nearby city with loads and loads of bouncy castles........

Then back to the campsite to meet a young girl named Abby who is a ballerina.  She brought the lil one a ballet tutu from her last recital -- the look on the lil one's face brought tears to my eyes......... such joy!!!  Of course she had to put it on and model it for everyone -- even included a deep bow........... (dontcha love the flip flops on her feet!!)

Sunday she went off with her dad on a lil shopping spree -- which gave me an hour or two to myself........... then eldest daughter came over and spent a couple of hours with us.... loading YouTube songs from Disney movies and before you knew it we had a sing a long on the deck............ 

All in all a good weekend.................

Friday, July 20, 2018


I am trying to be very 'zen' today.......

Yesterday was a good day....... I did everything I wanted to ........ Sir Steve ordered pizza for dinner...... and even brought home my favourite marshmallow cookies (that I have been trying to avoid so that those 10 pounds will stay off for the wedding -- now I need self control right? grinning)

Today I have a half day to myself -- the lil one will be coming over around 1 p.m. to spend the next week with us.  Which means there won't be a whole lot of 'adult' time if any.......... (big sigh) ......somehow once every two weeks isn't cutting it for me....... 


for today I am trying to be 'zen' ........ breathe out the stress breathe in the peace


Thursday, July 19, 2018

Good Day

Sometimes I think I wallow in the lows -- refusing to see the positives -- being negative and down and yeah -- jealous.

This morning (despite another bad night's sleep) I woke up and decided that today would be a GOOD DAY ...... I will pull myself up by my boot straps -- give myself a slap across the back of the head -- and just get on with living....... 

There is nothing I can do about the other family -- I can choose to let them get to me (which kinda means they win right?) or I can choose to have a good day....... 

for today I will have a good day!!

It helps that Sir  Steve has promised me pizza for supper so I don't have to think about meals or cooking !!!

Tomorrow -- shrug -- who knows what kind of day it will be -- all that matters right now is that TODAY will be a good day!

Wednesday, July 18, 2018


I had the little one all last week -- for 10 hours a day alone.

We worked out quite a routine..... after breakfast and getting dressed and tidying up the trailer -- she wrote an entry in her 'journal'.... something she enjoyed from the day before.

Then by 10 a.m. we had packed up the sand toys and headed off to the beach where she made me lemon soup and lemon tea and lemon pies all out of sand and mud.... 

By noon we were home to make lunch

By 1:15 we were heading down to the rec hall for arts and crafts till 2:00 and then we went to the swimming pool till about 4

Then we headed home for a snack and quiet time before 'Daddy' came home and supper.

From Monday to Friday (1:00 p.m. exchange time)

Every single day

Whether I felt like it or not.

This week I have watched as mother has pawned her off on neighbours and an aunt.  I have even seen the lil one get herself to arts and crafts alone cause mother went shopping with the grandmother.  I have watched her turn into a 'street kid'.....

And I have become the green eyed monster -- jealous of the mother's ability to dump her child.......... to do nothing with her child............. I wish I could just dump her too (NO I don't but sometimes it feels like it !!)

Last night in a rant with Sir Steve I said "I should file for full custody of the lil one cause I spend more time with her than any of them!"

And that was an unfair rant cause there is nothing Sir Steve can do 
There is nothing anyone can do

I HATE that this green eyed monster has taken hold of my heart...........

Tuesday, July 17, 2018


By last week it felt as though the passion had taken an extended leave from our relationship (what with my being sick and then my feeling like the 'nanny') 

The play on Saturday night really helped -- for me there is something very sensuous in whips and floggers and paddles ....... feeling his strength -- riding the pain to euphoria........ I whispered I needed sex -- needed him -- and he promised..........


I had hoped for Sunday morning -- or maybe a Sunday afternoon delight -- but Sunday trudged by and there were no overtures on his part..... and my desire was quickly evaporating......... 

with the evaporation came a sadness..... an emptiness........ a loneliness.

Sunday evening was a parade of visitors to our campsite........ sitting on the deck enjoying the sunset -- talking with friends and family........ and my loneliness .. my isolation grew. 

When we came inside he kinda followed me around -- and I thought ... no I knew.. he was gonna suggest going to the bedroom -- but what little passion I had had was gone.... dried up dryer than than the Sahara Desert.

He politely - formally -- asked me if I wanted to join him in the bedroom..... I didn't know how to answer him!  If he had asked in the morning -- even in the afternoon -- I probably would have raced him there -- but by 9 p.m............ there was no race left in my body.

I answered him off hand -- 'we can try'.

He knew ... he always does!  and so he pulled out the knives .... and had me lay on my tummy while he drew pretty patterns up and down my back.. my ass... my legs with the blade.  My body cannot ignore those feelings and soon I was wiggling and wishing I knew how to stop him and pull him onto me.......... I was needing him... badly.

When I finally partially rolled over -- in the dim lighting -- the first thing I saw was him --rock hard -- dear god it was huge!! I think I had forgotten (small smile) and I knew I needed him in me immediately!

He smiled -- leaning over me -- positioning himself -- teasing me with just the tip... slowly pushing into me -- making me moan and wiggle ... making me want him -- all of him NOW!

After -- lying in his arms my tears of joy drying on my face and on his chest he whispered 'again this week I promise' -- I know this week will sap his energy and his strength -- I know it'll probably be another week or so (the lil one is back with us starting on Friday) BUT it's ok -- cause we have found our passion again....... 

and life is very good when there is passion.............




Monday, July 16, 2018

Spur of the Moment fun

Saturday morning Sir Steve and I were sitting out on the deck enjoying our morning coffee and browsing the net........ when he looked up at me and said "There's a party today at Des Oubliettes".  

Des Oubliettes is a sort of dedicated play space in the country in Quebec during the summer.  10+ years ago Sir and his wife and I and usually one other submissive would go up every couple of weeks for the parties.  They were casual and involved bringing meat to barbeque -- drinks -- toys -- and fet wear.  They were always great fun. 

10 years ago Sir Steve and I played there -- and it was the last time we played together.

I was very conflicted about going......... all our fet gear and toys etc were in the city -- what food would we bring?  It was scary too -- Sir Steve and I haven't played publicly in ... what? 18 months or so........ It all seemed so overwhelming..........

Sir Steve methodically laid out how it could work.......
run into town pick up our fet gear -- 
run to the grocer and pick up some salads to go with our choice of meat
and then head up to Des Oubliettes

He made it sound so easy -- and I really did want to go despite the butterflies .......... 

We arrived at the party around 3:30p.m. .... and it was like we hadn't missed a party never mind 10 years of parties!!!

We visited for a bit with everyone then went and got changed into our 'leathers' and wandered down to the dungeon to play.  I wasn't sure if I was being bratty because sometimes that is my natural state or if it was from nerves.........

BUT one look at Sir Steve in his leathers with his cover on and my heart melted......... 

We must have played for a solid hour -- I did more than one subbie jig -- sometimes I forget what it's like to play with a Sadist.......  and by the time we were finished my ass was burning red hot and very tender in spots (in fact today -- 2 days after the fact it is still very tender in spots!)

Sir Steve packed up the toys and steered me back to the party.  The barbeque was going so he cooked us up our dinner -- and we chatted and laughed with every one .... all too soon it was time for us to pack up.... after all we had a long drive back to the camp grounds........ 

Life is good when spur of the moment events bring back old memories and create some new better ones ...............


Monday, July 09, 2018

Rocky Start

As per the agreement the lil one was with her mother last week -- the exchange day -- according to the agreement was ' after lunch on Friday.

At 11:55 on Friday the lil one showed up at our trailer.. I asked 'have you had lunch?' the response "no"  Mother was standing at the bottom of our deck.  I looked at her and said "I was told she would be fed lunch before the exchange" She argued but did take the lil one home to feed her.......... then the shit hit the fan........
Mother's sister came over demanding to know what the arrangement was - I said "it's none of your business and it's none of my business -- it's between mother and father"

Gold star for me -- I didn't get stressed or anxious....... I felt I handled it perfectly.... keeping myself neutral.

However the lil one did come crying to me about 'Daddy's email to mommy and how daddy broke the rules'..... I got her quietened down in less than 5 minutes and sent her off to play with her friend.

When Sir Steve got home he wrote an AMAZING email to the mother - sending her a copy of the original email that clearly stipulated after lunch on Friday....... he broke it down even more saying " after she has been fed lunch on Friday at 1:00pm"   AND he added that involving a 5 year old in any problems 'they' might have was unacceptable and would stop immediately -- AND -- that he would be sending a copy of the email to his lawyer (which probably means we won't hear from them again for the summer though they will walk around looking like bears with thorns in their paws for the summer )

(oh and for the record email contact only was stipulated by the court in March and the no sister involvement was also mandated by the court)

The rest of the weekend went off without a hitch and now Monday morning we are gearing up for a fun activity filled week together......... 

Summer time and the living is easy.............. which is a very good thing!

Friday, July 06, 2018


On a bright note -- cause I have to find one!!  I am at the weight I wanted to be for my daughter's wedding!!  AND I still have about a month YAY!!  who knows I may lose some extra weight by then.

On a health note -- I haven't even been off the antibiotics for a week and the tenderness in my left side is back........ UGH!!  and I have the lil one starting after lunch today and all next week........ I honestly don't know what I am gonna do.....

Wednesday, July 04, 2018


I have always had an uncanny ability to see through (most) people's lies.  I don't know how or why -- some folks claim it is a Scorpio trait -- me?? I shrug and accept it.

When I first came back into Sir Steve's life --  I was pretty quiet when his friends were around -- just getting a feel for them -- classifying them -- deciding if I could accept them as my friends (I don't make friends easily)

Most were delegated to the 'I can take 'em or leave 'em' category.  

BUT there were 2 people -- one a very close friend of his ex wife and the other the sister of his ex wife.  Sir Steve told me he trusted them -- they would NEVER repeat things we said to the family.


The first time I met the ex wife's friend I voiced my opinion to Sir Steve -- she loved gossip and she loved spreading gossip ........... to prove my point we told her something that wasn't true and waited for the blow back.  It came.... my point was proven.

The sister was another story..... always claiming to have our backs -- always so sympathetic... always bad mouthing her sister and mother.  She was good!  She even won me over........

Until one day in COURT - something I had told her in privacy came back to bite us on the ass.

How many ways can you block someone?? that's what I did.

What gets me this summer is how the sister still wanders over asking indirect questions about our life -- about the lil one -- about stuff in general.  AND she isn't getting any information!  It's amazing how little we see her this summer....... 

She just popped over to our trailer -- querying me about whether Sir Steve is working -- when he'll be home etc.  I gave her vague none of your business answers....... 

I don't do well with liars and gossips.............. one day my lid might just blow......... until then................


Tuesday, July 03, 2018

Strict Orders

I am under strict orders to have a quiet week.

We moved up to the campgrounds for the summer on Friday and now the lil one is one week with mother and one week with us -- this is mother's week so I can actually have a quiet week.............

The last week was more than rough........ the meds the doctor put me on really REALLY took a toll on my overall health. 

I had promised the lil one before we came up to the campgrounds for the summer... she and I would have a 'girls day out'.... somehow (god only knows how!)  I managed to pull it off -- shopping for new toys for up here -- and lunch out at a 'fancy restaurant' ( we went to the local Chinese buffet place - no white linen table clothes but she was very impressed - and kept telling everyone she got T W O  straws in her drink) 

Friday I somehow managed to pack all the clothes and food and supplies that had to be moved from the city to here and get both the lil one and myself moved up here by 2p.m.  (no small feat seeing as I had to keep sitting down either because of nausea or dizziness)

Saturday Sir Steve and I got back in the car and drove home to visit youngest daughter and family for a 'pool party Grad Celebration' for my two eldest grandsons.  We only stayed about 2 hours cause 1) I wasn't allowed in the sun - and 2) the heat had risen to 45 degrees Celsius (which is approx. 113 F) 

Sunday I honestly thought I was gonna die.  By Monday I was sure of it.  Monday I took the last of my meds and then went onto some pretty strong probiotics to finish up the job of the antibiotics.

Today Sir Steve is back at work -- the temperatures FEEL cooler (at least right now) and for the first time in about 6 weeks I think -- T H I N K -- I am starting to feel like my old self.



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