Tuesday, May 17, 2022

Update - may be a trigger

 Actually anything I write from now on may be a trigger just so you know.

I am still in hospital and the diagnosis was shocking... Stage 4 lung cancer. I have been through every test known to man. I am tired but I am also a little feisty. 

I had a permanent chest tube put in last Thursday.  That was the beginning of rhe 'fun'. The nurse asked if all my jewelry was off and I said everything but my genital piercing. I wish you could have seen her reaction!

She swung around from the computer and looked directly at me for the first time and exclaimed so everyone there could hear "You're joking right?! A GENITAL PIERCING!!!!!!!"

I assued her I was not joking. She entered the information and eventually the procedure went ahead. But I was reeling a bit.  I felt embarrassed and humiliated.

There is more to this story but that's it for today.

Tuesday, May 10, 2022


 Just so you know

Sir Steve took me to hospital on Saturday.

They transferred me by ambulance to a bigger hospital in Ottawa. I cannot breath 

I have a chest tube in and they are wirhdrawing fluids from my left lung. I feel like shit. Wont be answering any comments - no strength

Monday, May 02, 2022




Sometime over the weekend I had to admit defeat..... I had to say it out loud...
"I have a problem"

The realization started on Friday when I went to the hairdresser.  I could barely walk the half block to the shop.  And then my hairdresser said to me "You are wasting away in front of me".  Yes I have lost that much weight. 

And so I finally said it out loud to Sir Steven - I have a problem... and promised to call the doctor this morning.

I just got off the phone with his office.  They are trying to find me an appointment and will call me back.  

Keep a good thought for me ok?? I sorta kinda feel like my world is spinning out of control.

Sunday, May 01, 2022

Saturday, April 30, 2022

It begins......



We've been working on cleaning up the yard........ who knew there was SO much garbage!!?? I usually take before and after pics - but not so much this time.  I don't think I realized what a difference the cleaning / tidying would make.

But here is a pic of the last bit of mess....... 


AND here's what it looks like now. 


There are 4 yards of top soil ordered - and a couple of yards of gravel ........ We were hoping it would be here yesterday but no no....... maybe today?!

Mostly we're gonna lay grass seed..... but over by the small shed (that houses the bikes and the snowblower ) is a low spot that looks more like a swamp than grass or garden - le sigh.  After some research I discovered something called a rain garden.  

We've filled up most of the depression with sand .... next we're gonna add earth and sand mixed and top it off with gravel.  Then add rain loving plants and hopefully we'll have less swamp and more natural rain garden - we're hoping something like this........ 



The sun is shining finally!!  BUT we wait for the top soil........... it may have taken us a week to get the inside of the house done - it's gonna take a whole lot longer to get the outside done.  

Thursday, April 28, 2022

Spooky Adventures



Yesterday I decided to wash all the windows in the house...... that was my first mistake.  It was a rainy day that turned to a snow storm!  The patio doors had what I thought were smudges at dog level ....... except they weren't smudges - it was a sticky gummy residue...... ugh!  took forever to scrap it off and get the windows cleaned...... did I mention it was snowing?!

By lunch time I had done almost all the main level windows.... I was in the kitchen cooking some noodles when I heard this buzzing sound.  WTF?!  I followed the sound to the bathroom.  It sounded like the fan was on...... only it wasn't! I traced the sound to the wall outlet.  WTF?!  I touched the outlet - it wasn't hot.  So what was the noise?? Then my imagination kicked in...... maybe mice had chewed some wires in the wall??

Sir Steve called and I had him listen to the sound via the phone.  He said he'd come home.... I was close to panic.... what if there was an electrical fire?!   He came flying in the door and went straight to the bathroom...... He felt the wall - he was looking for vibrations........ nothing.


His hand hit the toothbrush holder and the sound changed.  He started pulling the electric toothbrushes out - one by one.  The lil one's toothbrush was running!!?? So no chewed wires in the wall ......... BUT why did her toothbrush turn itself on??!!  He turned it off......... my heart slowed down and we kinda laughed about it.  EXCEPT before he left it turned itself back on!!  Finally I took the batteries out of it !  and a new toothbrush is on the shopping list.  When the lil one came home from school and I told her about the mysterious sounds - she said "OHHHHHHH we must have a ghost!"

Anyone got a phone number? I think I might just put it on speed dial........ 

Tuesday, April 26, 2022

THAT stage



About a year ago we started to see some changes in the lil one..... minor ones but still changes.

This year we've noticed some more major changes........ oilier skin/hair.... changes in body shape......... and Sir Steve and I started to prepare for the hormones ...... and changes to personality.

Was I ready for it? NO!   I've been down that road twice already with my daughters.  Did/do I want to do it again?  NO!  but ya know - it's all part of the parcel.

Anyway - after Spring break our government removed mask mandates.  Joy oh Joy!  We talked with the lil one and told her we wanted her to keep wearing her masks at school........ cause 6th wave ya know.  Every laundry day there were her dirty masks in the wash - so I assumed she was wearing them........ Yeah right!  Then the school posted pictures of her class - one in the gym listening to a speaker and another of her in class doing an art project.  Guess what?!  In both pictures she wasn't wearing her mask......... le sigh.  Sir Steve questioned her - 'was she wearing her masks?' 'Oh yes' she said.  Then he pulled up the school pictures and showed her ............ GOTCHA!

She came home from her mother's yesterday with a runny nose and laryngitis.  Turns out it started on Saturday.  First thing that came to mind - COVID of course.  Her mother never tested her - cause ya know - it's the mother.  So last night Sir Steve tested her...
OMG!  What a nonsense he had to put up with.... pulling her head away - holding her nose.... crying........  Fortunately the test was negative.  see me breathing again?!

This is what we call a teaching moment - don't like nose swabs? then sanitize your hands wear your bloody masks!!

and there have been other little behaviours that scream hormones....... can I do this again???  or better question do I WANT to do this again?  Life is about to get very 'interesting' around here - le sigh......... 

Monday, April 25, 2022

The Work Continues



Despite Mother Nature's best effort to keep  us out of the yard this weekend - Sir Steve did get out both Saturday and Sunday for a few hours.  Mostly we're just at the clean up stage.... the yards haven't had any care for more than a few years...... 

There were 3 sheds in the yard - plus a lot of dead grape vine plants /overgrown plants  and trees that are in desperate need of pruning and loving.  Sir Steve removed a small broken shed .. spread a pile of sand that was sitting in the middle of the yard... dug up thistles and pruned down some suckers off some of the trees..... and before we knew it we had another HUGE pile of garbage to go to the dump.


BUT the yard is looking a whole lot tidier and maybe there's some hope for the back yard yet!!

Other than that we had a quietish weekend - ordered in dinners  - lots of TV and early to bed..... 

AND before you know it - it's MONDAY again  



Sunday, April 24, 2022

Saturday, April 23, 2022

Saturday's To Do list



We had a plan for today....... garden work.

One of the big problems we have is someone - once upon a time - planted grape vines in the garden...... back and side gardens.  We have a pear tree in the side garden.  Upon close inspection - it turns out that the grape vines have grown up and wound themselves around the branches of the pear tree.  My first thought was cut the main stock and let it die - then just pull the vines out of the tree......... BUT...... someone already had that idea.... and the vine isn't falling out of the tree.

So the plan was - today Sir Steve was gonna dig out the ladder from the shed - climb up into the tree and cut and pull the vine from the branches.  

Except there's no sun today.... le sigh........and it's cold.  AND it's forecasted to rain.... le sigh.

I have paint to paint the side deck and the front deck AND the shutters and the trim ... and anywhere else that needs a coat of paint........ EXCEPT it's so cold and wet it's not a good time to paint...... le sigh. 

Another weekend in the house watching movies??? 


Friday, April 22, 2022

AND - it's Friday!



And it's Friday - my favourite day of the week..... it's MY day!!   

I shower and shave and manicure and pamper....... no pressure ... no schedules... just time for me.

IF I was the type - I would sit and eat bonbons and watch movies ....... it's just that kinda of day.  The best part on THIS Friday - the sun is out!!  YAY!!

Hope you all enjoy your Friday ! 

Wednesday, April 20, 2022

Another holiday done!



Well we had a busy Easter Weekend...... le sigh.

On Sunday we had Sir Steve's daughter, SIL and daughter for brunch. The lil one was with her mother.  

We had a nice visit with Sir Steve's family.  We bought the granddaughter sidewalk chalk and a fancy dancy automatic bubble blower.... which had her shrieking with joy and running around the back deck like crazy trying to pop the HUGE bubbles!!  Every so often she'd gasp "wait a minute" which had us laughing...... it's fun to hear a 2 year old use adult expressions

Then we had to come up with ideas for our lil one's Easter basket. (she got her Easter basket on last night when she came home)  I have never been a big fan of overloading kids with chocolate....... so my girls used to get art supplies and a new outfit on Easter.  BUT this lil one doesn't need art supplies - eldest daughter keeps her well supplied.  So what to put in her Easter basket?!  I came up with the 'brilliant' idea to have plastic eggs with 'coupons' ..... each coupon was something we knew she would love - like "staying up 30 minutes later" " a trip for ice cream" "movie night" " a day without chores"........ and more............. The lil one loved them!!  she also got clothes from Daddy and me.... she LOVES clothes so it was a win win ......  

and just like that the celebrations are over for another year.......only 8 more months till we start all over again with Christmas......... le sigh!


Tuesday, April 19, 2022

Spring has Sprung.......

This morning - April 19th - we awoke to this...................... 

For those of you not familiar with Spring in Canada............. it kinda looks like this....







Sunday, April 17, 2022

Saturday, April 16, 2022

Filling in the blanks



So what really has been going on around here??? This much stress from a move??? Well let's not forget Sir Steve's dad died in June..... and we are still dealing with the details and emotions and personalities from that.......... then in Sept Sir Steve had a small health issue - saw his doctor and we thought that was that...... BUT in November he went back to see the doctor cause the problem had not resolved itself.  Then we had the move that hit in December till February....... Then that health issue of Sir Steve's was still hanging about .... so in March he went to see another doctor and get a 2nd opinion............. 

AND you guessed it - 2nd opinion was not a brush off -  no 'nothing to worry about'....... nope this doctor mentioned the dreaded C word (cancer).  and referred Sir Steve to a surgeon............ It felt as though my world had fallen off it's axis... I couldn't breath. 

We had to wait 2 weeks to see the surgeon.  We saw him on Thursday.  He was very thorough.... poked and prodded.  He has ordered a  CT scan - and possibly a biopsy.  BUT on a positive note he didn't think it was cancer.  He thinks it may be a problem stemming from a surgery Sir Steve had over 15 years ago.  He also said the area in question was not deep (which was worrying me cause ya know 9 months delay on the diagnosis) but seemed superficial to him.  As he was talking I felt my body deflating.... I felt the pain in my muscles easing....... 

We're still facing surgery ......... but hopefully not cancer surgery.

My body has a long way to go to return to health - the stress has really done a number on it.... 

Friday, April 15, 2022

Easter Lessons........


 (especially the jelly beans!)

Sunday, April 10, 2022

Friday, April 08, 2022

Just a Peak



Ready to share - a little bit.

My world started to crumble a couple of months ago.... around the time we moved.  I know I posted happy / excited / can't wait to move posts..... but the truth of the matter was underneath the whole move nearly drowned me in stress.

I am ready to talk about it - a little bit.... cause there's a part of me that needs to bring light into my world......... This morning I talked to Sir Steve a little bit about it.... It's not like he isn't aware of what is going on,..... but I haven't been able to talk about it.... this morning I tried - cause experience has taught me when I talk about it - it loses some of it's hold on me.

I told him I have food anxiety......... because stress makes it difficult for me to eat... I am now stressing over dinners cause both he and the lil one watch me to see if I eat - how much I eat.... and I feel like I am disappointing them when I can't eat ..... and when I say 'can't' I mean CAN'T.  The food will not go down - the food gets stuck in my mouth - and I can't swallow it and then I gag.... it's disgusting.  and I hate it !!  and yet I feel like I have no control over it.  

I have been living on maybe 600 - 800 calories a day.... for 3 months now.  I have lost weight.  I have lost muscle mass.  I have lost the joy of cooking and eating.  

I am living with no energy..... duh!  food = energy right?  So most of my days are spent curled up on the sofa.. napping ... that is not to say I'm not getting chores done - I am.  The laundry is done the house is clean the shopping is done.  (did I tell you how hard it is to go out into the shops??!! I can hardly breath when I am out and about)

I keep hearing my grandmother's voice saying "this too shall pass" and it will I know it will - it has before.......  I could do with it passing now ya know?  like right now! 


Tuesday, April 05, 2022

Thank you


 Thank you to everyone who has reached out to check on me... 

Let's just say all the stress and anxiety I have been living through for the last 3 months has caught up with me......... 

Usually I share everything - but right now I can't.  I just can't.  

please be patient with me.......... 

Sunday, March 27, 2022

Sunday Smiles



This seemed appropriate today - considering the topic of Hermione's Sunday Brunch ....... pop over and add your 'identity' to the list ............. let's make a wondrous alphabet soup !!

Saturday, March 26, 2022




So ....... I have been feeling so bloody old.  I look in the mirror and I look old... tired and old.  It was getting me down ya know???  (and deep down inside I worry about how Sir Steve sees me....... I know I shouldn't but I can't help it.... )

Then this week I was looking at some 'memories' on Facebook.  and I realized my hair has changed....... well not my hair but my hair style.  Almost a year ago my hairdresser went on maternity leave..... and the new hairdresser didn't cut it the same and by the time MY hairdresser came back she had to work to improve the style.  I knew it would take time.... but somewhere during the waiting period the whole hair style changed and I realized I HATED it!!

Yesterday I had an appointment with my hairdresser..... I brought along some photos of my old hair style....... and we 'talked'.  She admitted to completely forgetting what style she used to give me...... I reminded her I liked a funky / cheeky hair style......

It took awhile  but she did it!! It sorta looks like this........... 


Only I am virtually completely white.


I came out of there feeling perky and cheeky and a little bit happier....  

Friday, March 25, 2022



Yesterday - just after lunch - there was a knock at the front door.  As I made my way to the door - I was running through my head what deliveries were due...... none!

I opened the door to a gentleman standing there holding a bouquet of flowers.......... I was stunned .... who ? what? why?

The card said "Just because I love you".............. and of course I knew the who.....Sir Steve had picked out an amazing spring arrangement and sent it to me........... 


I feel very spoiled.

Wednesday, March 23, 2022

Casulty of Covid?



We start our day watching our local news on the TV..... Once Sir Steve leaves for work and the lil one for school - I get on with my day but I don't turn the TV off.... it's background noise ya know??? and sort of comforting....... 

Yesterday about mid morning.... a talk show was on and the topic was how covid has affected 'date nights'.  That's all I heard...... but it got me thinking..... We haven't had a date night in over 2 years.  OH we had ordered in dinners and tried to pretend it was a date night...... but it just wasn't the same ya know?  

Date nights always involved showers  and dressing up complete with make up and perfume ....... ordered in dinners were eaten in front of the TV and some movie...... we didn't sit alone at a table and make conversation like you do when you're at a restaurant on a date........

I realized I am missing date night...... and it has affected our relationship a little bit.  I don't feel that sexy bond to Sir Steve ...... sometimes I look at us in my mind's eye and see an old married couple - and it worries me we're losing that 'spark' ... that thrill. and maybe the passion?

I made a decision a few weeks back to take a pride in myself again..... to do my hair more frequently - to put on make up every day (BUT make up isn't a whole lot for me - it involves eye liner and mascara and a touch of lipstick.  Lipstick!  who wore lipstick when you wear masks every time you go
out?? )  To start wearing my 'nice' clothes ... to make more of an effort ya know?  Sir Steve may not notice (though I suspect he does) but it does something to my mental outlook .......... makes me feel more feminine .. makes me tease more... laugh more... it actually lifts my spirits.

So tell me - how has covid affected your relationship and date nights??? Are you ready to find a way back ?? What steps (if any) have you taken to find your way back??? 



Tuesday, March 22, 2022

Too Much......


 I don't know how many of you remember back 2 years ago - pre-covid days - when the lil one tried out for the competitive dance team at her dance school..... and got a spot on the team!  We were prepared for the cost (sort of) and the demands on all of us.... 

Of course the competition got cancelled in 2020......... The lil one hasn't been in dance class since then.... only started back this fall.  

We got notification of this year's competitive dance - it is in April and in Niagara Falls!!??? that's a 6 hour drive from home.  And to make it worse - it runs from the Thursday to the Sunday which means  - are you ready for this? 3 days out of school and 4 nights in a hotel for all of us.    Sir Steve and I were in shock..... we are looking at a bill of close to $1,000 just for the hotel! never mind food and costumes and finding somewhere for the dog............. RIDICULOUS!!

So Sir Steve and I made a tough decision - our lil one will not be dancing in the competition.  Sir Steve contacted the school and explained the distance was just not do-able.  (usually the competitions are about 2 hours from home) The school says they understood our withdrawal and tried to explain their choice by saying they haven't danced in 2 years.  Yes ....... so????  And then they said they think there may be another dance competition in June 2 hours from us.  So why?? are they insisting on the Niagara competition??!!  I'm thinking it is a whole lot more about the school's name/status than anything to do with the girls dancing.... especially 9 year olds who just do it for fun/exercise.

Tonight Sir Steve will talk about it with the lil one and explain why she's not going..... another lesson on the realities of life.........

Monday, March 21, 2022



The weather was  mild last week - well above 0 degrees  - and the snow started melting.... and .................... the gardens started to peak out.  

My initial reaction was ' GARDENS!  YAY!!' ........ then the snow melted some more... and I got more than a bird's eye view of them......... and I felt (feel) sick.   We were told we have raspberry and blueberry bushes.. and a pear tree. (who knows where) BUT there's also a whole lot of nicely laid out gardens - or they were nicely laid out way back when.  What we have now is overgrown choked flower beds of questionable plants.  I have identified a rhododendron bush in the backyard......... 


but as for the rest of it??? There might be a wild rose bush and maybe a 'real' rose bush.  

The grass hasn't been taken care of - and the driveway has been abused - cars and snow clearing has torn up what grass was between the actual driveway and the end of our property.  

There are 2 major lakes in the yard....... 

and there are dead leaves.... tree branches.... dead flower stalks and garbage strewn over the entire yard - back and front.

My OCD is kicking in big time........ I want it all cleaned up and fixed yesterday!  AND because I am ME - I am worried how we're gonna work on the gardens/grass all summer while we are at the campsite for the summer........ 

AND then I can't help but think here at the house we have everything we have in the country....... everything we didn't have at the old place - yards and gardens and peace and quiet - parks and splash pads for the lil one and KIDS!  AND we now have a barbecue !!  which we couldn't have at the old place.  We even had our first barbecue of the season on the weekend........ 

I can't help but think how much it costs to maintain two properties - almost 5,000$ a summer for the country place!!!   OHHHHHHHH the things we could do with that $5,000!  BUT then we'd miss seeing eldest daughter and SIL every weekend....... But then I think about the stress of packing everything up and moving it to the country - and the stress of getting the groceries and laundry and messages run one day a week... 

Right now I'm gonna try and focus on one thing - the gardens/yards.  

We have some challenges to face this spring and summer - and some tough decisions to talk over ..........


Sunday, March 20, 2022

Sunday Giggles

 Thought I'd try some 'thinking' humour this morning......... 

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