The Beating

Saturday night we had a pot luck Halloween party to go to.....

This blog entry isn't about my home made "eye ball" munchies.............

Or my bug filled taco bake......

And it isn't about costumes or decorations...........

It's about W turning to me right after dinner and saying "let's go downstairs".  W NEVER plays that early... W never plays "first"........ but Saturday he did.

And everything else felt different too........

We were all set up on the "step ladder" apparatus  and there was a subbie beside me tied to the pole - and there was a Dom sitting over in the shadows with a drum.  

Soon as W started in on my ass - I could hear this drumming - a strong beat - that W kept time to............. or the drum kept time to W..... which ever way it went - (though the drummer told me later he was keeping time to W's swing) my head went into the beat of the drum - the music of the drum.... and the drumming fever seemed to swamp my mind and take over.... and I could barely hear the sub beside me - I was very centered in the drumming caressing my body while the whips and floggers and paddles beat their own kind of rhythm on my body and mind.  

It hurt.

I remember the hurt.  I remember thinking about the hurt... questioning how rational my brain could be to want ... to need .. to crave this amount of hurt.

And the drums drummed on.

And the gorean whip came out and it threw me against the step ladder thingy over and over again until I didn't think my legs would hold me up anymore - didn't think I could bring my ass back out - one more time - for one more hit.

Then the drumming stopped and the beating stopped and I was getting dressed and sitting on a seat - and this little voice was saying really "stupid" things like " my ass hurts" and I heard people telling me they couldn't believe what they had just seen - couldn't believe what I had taken......... and I withdrew deeper into my head. 

And W was doing all the right things - stroking me and talking to me and making sure I was ok - but I was just going deeper and deeper inside - and then to make everyone shut up - I put on smile - stood up - and walked around and made everyone see I was ok.. nothing was wrong..... 

But deep inside - my ass hurt - and I couldn't really understand why I wanted it / needed it/ desired it.

Peeking in.......

have you missed me???

We have been so busy - which means I have had little or no blog time... 

Friday (as I told you all) we went to a munch
Saturday I had the submissive group here in the afternoon and then W and I went to a  halloween pot luck dinner/party
Sunday I needed some down time - play time seems to be getting more difficult to recuperate from
 Yesterday was Tai Chi which used  up my last ounce of energy.........
 Today W and I were up - believe or not - at 5 am to go into town to watch the Canada AM show (morning news program) being filmed (from 6 am to 9 am)  and to see Blue Rodeo perform.  It was SO bloody cold that it has taken me 5 hours to defrost - seriously !!!

I promise in the next day or so more details on the weekend activities...  

Sunday Sentiments

Celebration

Yesterday was my birthday.  My party was last Sunday - so seriously - I didn't remember yesterday was the ACTUAL day.

When I got up and went to make coffee (stop #1 first thing in the morning)  there was a photography magazine
When I went to get my netbook (stop #2) - there was another photography magazine
When I pulled my chair out in the dining room (stop #3) there was another photography magazine,  and orders to pick the best one of the 3 and W will order a year's subscription 

After coffee there were birthday spanks.

And for supper I picked going to a munch (rather than going to a restaurant with W) I don't know - it just seemed like more fun to be with friends for dinner ........ 

Oh yeah ---- kind and caring W notified the local TV station and managed to have my birthday announced on the air......

the only thing missing were balloons and a cake with candles - but at my age??? that many candles would have probably melted the cake.

It was a good day - and a GREAT birthday 


 

Home Alone

For 15 years or so I lived alone.  I liked living alone.  I wondered how well it would work - after all those years of bachelorette living - to actually live with someone again.

Until yesterday

Yesterday W had to be out of the house by 8:30 and wouldn't be home till sometime after dinner (it turned out to be 11:30 p.m.) I had planned my day.... wow a whole day of  "freedom".   

Yeah right........... so before W had even left I got this lump in my stomach - alone for hours....... alone... home alone.

I decided the best thing to do was get busy - as his car pulled out of the driveway.  So I vacuumed the house - got dressed - and went shopping.  (yeah well shopping may not have been the best plan to fill my day seeing how much I HATE it....... but I did have stuff to buy)

I surprised myself by purchasing an outfit that is SO not me - but hey maybe I am getting adventuresome in my old age.   ummmmmmmmm how to describe it..... I bought black leather-like leggings that actually fit quite nicely.  Then I found a black  see-through long shirt with leather-like collar and cuffs to match.  I now have an outfit to wear to a party we are going to on Saturday!

Oh and I bought the necessary items - the ones actually on the shopping list as well - a pair of black dress pants and a pair of grey ones.  and a new bra.  (are you all excited ?? wasn't that fun??!!! cheeky grin)

Then I came home.  It was 1:00 p.m.

What to do with the rest of my day.................. 

So like a kid left alone to their own devices.. I started playing with nail polish - creating fashion statements?? on my nails.  I tried painting them all white and adding black ghost faces.  They looked like white nails with polka dots........ then I tried white nails with black stripes.  Problem was the stripes were different widths - and I couldn't seem to control that.

Finally I settled on half the nail white and half the nail black..... which sorta kinda worked.  But by that point I was bored with painting my nails - AND - more importantly - my nails were drying out from all the nail polisher remover!!  So black and white nails it is............. 

Then I had a lonely dinner............ watched the football game on W's big television (now that was nice!!)  talked to youngest daughter... fought to keep my eyes open.......... until W finally arrived home at 11:30.

and then I was no longer home alone - and all was right with the world again!!
 

Asian fusion

There was a type of cooking called Asian Fusion - I am not entirely sure it is still the "in" thing - but last night's dinner made me think of the term.

A month or so ago I bought some noodle bowls in China Town in Toronto.  They have sat on the shelves in the kitchen ever since. 

I had been threatening to find recipes that would allow me to use the new bowls.  Last night was the night.

As most of you know the decorating here at the house has a strong Asian influence.  W has been very patient / tolerant with me and my fancy arty farty ideas.  But when I announced that dinner was going to be Asian steak and vegetable noodles - well he looked less than impressed.

He came into the kitchen at one point to see what I was doing - I told him to smell the sauce.  He didn't wrinkle up his nose too badly so I figured I was safe.

BUT when it came time to serving (and this is where the Asian Fusion comes in) I really did think I would be pushing it, to ask him to slop his steak,vegetables and noodles out of a noodle bowl with chop sticks.

So I made two plates ... one for me................ ASIAN......

and one for W.... CANADIAN...........

Unfortunately - it looked very pretty and rather authentic........... but sadly the taste left something to be desired.   I might try it one more time - with a better cut of beef - the one we had last night was tough - like shoe leather.  And I might add a few more spicier spices to the sauce.  It really did seem a little bland..............

BUT I loved using my noodle bowls ............ I guess worst case scenario I could use them for chicken noodle soup .......right??     

Sex sex and more Sex

Sooooooo did the blog title catch your eye??? Sex does sell doesn't it??

Or not.

On Saturday W and I went to the "Everything you want to know about Sex" show in Toronto.   As Toronto (mid town) is a mess of construction and roads dug up we decided to drive to the burbs and take the commuter train into town.  That went well.

When we got to Toronto it is was pretty much lunch time.  We walked out of Union Station to a maze like pathway of barriers and construction.  We had NO idea where there was a place to grab a quick lunch - we couldn't see anything - the barriers were that high!!  and it didn't help that it was raining and folks had umbrellas up blocking the little we could see.

We did manage to find some lunch and then walk for what felt like MILES to get to the south end of the Convention center........... and then ........ it was a total assault on one's senses........ flashing lights.... crowds of people........ music blaring (different music for nearly every booth at that!!)  It was -  to put it mildly - a little overwhelming.  

The entire convention seemed to me to be made up of sex shops.  Now I ask you how many dildos, vibrators, cock rings and butt plugs does one need to see??? 

Though I did see one wee tiny little plug thingy.... the package said "tongue vibrator" and I was trying to envision why in god's name anyone would want their tongue to vibrate (ok ok  - I admit it - the brain was in neutral!!)  when a very young salesgirl came over to explain the intricate workings of this peanut sized vibrator.  Truthfully all I could imagine was having that thing on my tongue - giving W a blow job - and in all the excitement swallowing the damn thing !!! 

The kinky booth was way at the back of the Convention Hall tucked away in a corner.  We managed to make our way over to them.... to see floggings and bondage/suspension and spankings and fet wear and every piece of dungeon equipment you could imagine.  

We also were delighted to find a great group of kinky folk we know.  Sir got to experiment with a couple of nasty nasty toys while I perched myself over a spanking bench.

Next year maybe we will attend as presenters........ I can be a "demo dolly".  I think that sounds like fun!!!

W and I wandered around for a bit more.. I got my fortune told (and it wasn't the least bit sexy or kinky!!! le sighhhhhhh) and then we decided we had had enough and headed home.

Truthfully when I sit back and think about the day - the best part ... the very best part of the day - was when W and I were busy snapping pictures of the tall buildings (like some country bumpkins) ......... 
 

     skyway to the Convention Center

 Royal Bank Building outside Union Station

and that was my amazing adventure to the big city to a sex show.

Back Tracking

Ok so I got a little ahead of myself - doing a post about Sunday before Friday........... but hey it's my priority list (cheeky grin)

I have been jonesing to do some protrait shots - but I did need a willing subject. And most importantly someone who knew this was just a learning curve for me - I have no special equipment for portraits - or any experience (or talent)

The first model I had lined up, wanted me to drive her 40 minutes out of Kingston and take shots at some river.  Sorry but an 80 minute return trip to take some photos was not what I had in mind.  I suggested much closer areas that had trees and water but she had to have this particular area - I declined - so it didn't get done.

Then out of the blue, someone else volunteered.  She wants some newer pics to put up on FetLife.  I warned her that none of them might turn out........ I warned her I was not a photographer - only an apprentice.  But that didn't sway her.  So last Friday she came over laden down with every fet outfit she owns and enough make up and hair accessories and toys to sink a battle ship!!

I tried to act all professional - but was as nervous as all get out. The first few pics weren't so hot.  And I was stressing none of them would turn out - which is when W came to my rescue by taking "back up" photos and aiding in 'setting' some of the scenes.   

She has so many different personae and one of them - the first one - was/is "baby girl",  It turns out I have some difficulty seeing a grown adult (and I do mean GROWN adult) in little girl clothes........... but I did my best.

 

 see what I mean by "grown" adult ?? 

    Then we moved on to school girl - and again I was struggling to get a winning shot...

but  managed to get this one

and this one.... with W's skilled help (grinning) 

  

Then we moved on to "submissive" pictures.  She is into slave postures/positions so I took multiple pics of positioning............... here's one to show you..........

and then I started to gain a little confidence........

AND most importantly I started to take pics of what I liked ........ my arty farty side coming out....

 
and then we moved on to her "Domme" side...... and THE shot for all those men(women) who love a leather boot..........  

but I kept seeing the arty farty shots

finally reigning it in - in favour of a typical "Domme" picture.  

And lastly - my favourite shot of all....

Finally - I have to say many thanks to sunny1smileshere for 1) allowing me to practice my photographing skills and 2) for permission to post the pictures here on The Journey.

Spinnng spinning....

What a weekend we had!!!

It started Friday with a fetish photo shoot here at the house - more on that and some pictures to come soon...

Saturday we went to the Sex show in Toronto - more on that to come... 

Sunday I had a quiet morning planned and then off to a photo shoot with my photography class.

BUT...............

around noon the doorbell rang ......... and rang and rang.  Honestly by the time I got up the steps to the front door I thought there must be some MAJOR incident on the street!!

Imagine my surprise when I flung open the door to see both my daughters, 3 grandkids and son in law all standing there grinning at me like crazy fools.  And for the life of me i couldn't figure out what the devil they were doing here!!!

Then I heard through the fog of my brain the words "Happy Birthday Granny!!!"  and then all I could think was "BUT that's next weekend"....... 

For the first time in my entire life !!!  they (with the help of W of course) managed to plan and pull off a Surprise Birthday party!!!

Everyone piled into the house amidst much laughter and hugs and kisses.  Everyone got busy making lunch and setting the table and ordering me around ............ good thing to, cause I just stood there looking pretty much like a fish out of water gaping at everyone and exclaiming "but I didn't even do my hair and I have no make up on!!"

Daughter #2 baked spice cupcakes ............... and can I say YUM!

And then we headed off to the park to blow off steam before they had to head back to Montreal...................

 
W kept an eye on the clock and at 3:15 had everyone packing up and heading out - myself included............... 

It was the very BEST birthday surprise EVER!!!  I am such a lucky Mom, grandma and subbie! 
 

Sunday Sentiments

Just a thought

This weekend we are off to the "Everything to do with Sex" show in Toronto...............

In Ottawa this weekend is the "Sexapalooza Show".......

which does make me wonder..........

Are we Canadians like animals preparing for the long winter hibernation -  replacing food gathering for sex gathering??

OR 

Are we just sex starved individuals looking for something to sate our insatiable desires???

Just a thought..............

 

House Guests

We had our last bunch of company leave yesterday at noon.  

Let's see - we had overnight house guests on Friday to Saturday.  Sunday we had guests for Thanksgiving dinner.  Wednesday we had more house guests arrive and leave (as I said ) at noon yesterday.

Truthfully I am done with house guests.  

Though I have to admit Wednesday - Thursday's house guests were the most difficult.  They are vanilla and Christian and W's oldest friends.  Somehow it is easier having lifestyle guests - I don't have to worry about slip ups (like calling W "Sir") but even so - it was a lot of people in and out of the house for a week.  A lot of talking and noise and disruption.  

We did yet another tour of Kingston Wednesday afternoon - which is ok - and I had brought my camera along in the hopes that I could take some pictures - but they didn't even get out of the car!!  They took pictures through the car window.  And when W asked if they would like to walk around the old Fort where they could get a really nice view of the city they didn't even answer!  (What was THAT about??!!)  

I tried very hard to be a good hostess - but when they left W pointed out that I talked too much :(   I didn't mean to....... but I guess maybe I did talk too much.  They were after all HIS friends.  So maybe it would have been better if I had been the invisible subbie - I should have sat at his side and smiled and nodded and kept my mouth shut unless specifically asked a question.  Hopefully I have learned that lesson for the next time some of his friends come for a visit.

Lesson noted and learned!

Positive Vibes

 

A dear friend came to our collaring ceremony.   On the Tuesday after it he told us he had cancer.  At 6:30 this morning he went into surgery.

I am worried about him.. my heart goes out to his family ..... and I hate living so far away........... 

if you've got any positive vibes lying around can you send them out to him............... 

 

A chuckle anyone???

At photograph class I sit with two young women.  We laugh and chat and I learn all sorts of neat stuff from them.  Last week they educated me on "grumpy cat".  (right  - you ALL know 'grumpy cat' and I am the last person on the planet to learn of this phenomenon!!!??)

After trying to explain it to me - and my not getting the humour - they told me to come home and google it......... so I did.

Oh my heaven's !!!  If you have NOT heard of grumpy cat you should!!  If these few pics I pulled, don't put a smile on your face, then there is no hope for you (cheeky grin)  

Enjoy

Busy Weekend

We finished off the weekend - much like we started it - entertaining friends here at the house.

We had our Thanksgiving celebration with some new friends - good friends - here in Kingston.  It made me realize how much we have to be thankful for............
our sweet lil home
good food - and the ability to buy it and cook it 
and share it with friends!

Unfortunately my photography skills failed me - I haven't reached the advanced class yet - taking photos in low light ...............ugh :(

But here's a picture of the turkey in the oven ............ (artsy fartsy)

And here's dessert - my mom's recipe for soft gingerbread - served warm from the oven with whipped cream................ 

We talked until the wee hours - and then I fell into bed.  Today I am feeling every year of my age!!!  and I still have a messy kitchen to clean ............ no slacking off till it's all done!!

Sunday Sentiments

 

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!

So far

So far this Thanksgiving weekend -

we joined a group of lifestyle friends and went to  Fort Fright night....that's where they set up Old Fort Henry as a massive haunted house and scare the crap out of visitors.  (well they scared the crap out of THIS visitor)

Two of the folks we were out with came back and spent the night.  This morning I made a yummy country breakfast - hash brown potatoes, peppers, bacon and eggs all  scrambled together.  We  had brown toast, apple muffins, juice and coffee. 

Once they left I started thinking about our Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow.  Instead of the usual pumpkin pie which W doesn't like (I am surprised how many people really don't like pumpkin) I decided to make a gingerbread cake - served warm with whipped cream.  W told me to let him know when I was gonna start baking - which - being the good subbie I am - I did.  

W had this bright idea to tie me up - tight - and then turn me loose to make the gingerbread cake.  Seriously folks - I am not gonna be responsible for the cake - it was just a little distracting to bake tied up like the turkey that will be in the oven tomorrow. 

 just some nice lil marks



and that is the holiday weekend - so far !
 

Competition

A week or so ago, I read a blog on FetLife, where a submissive was talking about her disillusionment with the scene in a major city.  (name withheld to protect the guilty)

I read it and shook my head - everything she talked about / complained about happens here in Kingston - I hear people complaining/debating all the time.  It happened in Montreal too.  It happens everywhere!!

I am very non-competitive - in fact so much so - that honestly I don't understand competitive people...their need to "win" or be first or be top dog.

I have watched someone here in Kingston go from being this nice soft gentle soul - with a great love for his kink -  to a person I hardly recognise.  Driven by his kink - driven by his need to be in the "in crowd" to be included and admired and in the process he is losing friends and most importantly his partner (this is all in my opinion - based on what I see from the outside)

The other evening in photography class - my latest assignment was up being critiqued by the teacher and class.  The teacher found very few mistakes/ things that could improve in my 12 shots.  I was happy.... I had accomplished MY goal... to learn the lesson - to internalize it.. to be able to do something for myself right.

I happened to mention at break time - to a couple of my classmates - that I had joined a photography club as well as signing up for the next set of classes.  One of them turned to me and asked "what do you intend to do with your photography?"  I said 'nothing in particular.  I just want to take decent pictures'

And i realized that my kink life is pretty much the same way.  I am not doing what I do for any recognition or accolades or to be #1 subbie to anyone (other than W).  But so many others are competing to be #1 - to be admired and respected and maybe even worshiped.  (ok ok that's definitely my jaded opinion)

And yet - it hit me this morning - that with all these supposed leaders - we (W and i) are getting more and more emails/phone calls from submissives who are struggling and need help.  I thought after the latest SOS phone call - that it is amazing to me - that after only a few months here we are the ones these folks call.  Not the supposed leaders of the community.  Nope us - the quiet newcomers who sit back and watch the shenanigans and competition and refuse to enter the rat race.

And it occurred to me that perhaps what the BDSM community needs are more quiet unassuming souls who have time to listen - who never proclaim to have all the answers - but who do have time to listen - who offer a cup of coffee  and a box of kleenix if necessary.

I don't do competition - I don't give a rat's ass who's #1 - or who's moving up the ladder to be the next #1.  I just care how I live my life day to day - I like to think I live by my values both in and out of the kink world.  

And that - at the end of the day - I can say simply "I did my best".

24/7

I have been working on a blog entry "24/7" for a week or so now... adding a little bit more each day - editing and adding more.... wanting it to say everything that was is in my heart,  It is more like a thesis than a blog entry - meaning it is longggggggggggggg.  I worked on it every day or so and saved it - planning to post it when I thought it was finally done.

Then yesterday "anonymous" posted a comment that hit me upside the head.........  he/she said "I'll tell you a secret most people who have never lived with their Dom/Master don't realise: if you're not careful, you can wind up doing less BDSM than if you maintained separate homes. There's always the idea that "ooh you live together, you lucky thing!"... it doesn't work like that."
and that comment made me go "ummmmmmmmmmm"..... 

It's not that they didn't write anything I didn't already know - after all I was married for a number of years and tried my damnedest to keep that marriage alive - so I know all about "date nights" and "making time for one another".  I guess it just never occurred to me that the same principals should/ could be applied to a D/s relationship.  I guess I never thought one could become complacent in a D/s relationship.  I guess I figured the dom - in this case W - would take control 24/7 - lead the charge sort of thing - and I would just run along behind....................... 

That's obviously not what's happening.  I have been struggling with just how vanilla our life is.

Now do NOT get me wrong............ I am not unhappy - I love W as much today as I did when I moved here - if not more.............. it's just this living together is not quite how I saw it in my mind's eye............. my fantasy.  (oh hell - and we vowed this would be real life - our way - no more fantasies!!)

But it is very difficult to try and be a "good subbie" - to serve and be respectful - and all those things that people expect from a subbie - when I feel like I am working in a vacuum.

And it doesn't help when I read some of your blogs - where there is all this BDSM going on - seemingly 24/7 - and ok yeah I 'll admit it.. I am damn jealous.  I can't help but think I worked this hard - waited this long  - to have this relationship and now ......now it feels as though something is missing.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh well - I will continue to edit and add to my original 24/7 blog - it may happen that it will never see the light of day - but it may just help me to sort out the occasional emptiness - confusion - loneliness I feel.   

 

 

Ouch

We haven't played very often since I arrived here in Kingston with W.......for a whole lot of reasons - all of them valid.  But that doesn't change the fact that - for me - it is difficult to stay in a submissive mind set without some reinforcements??? without some validation?? without some attention??? See how I struggle for the right word to describe what it is I need??  

It's sad really.  I always thought I knew what I needed and wanted.  Now - with long periods between play time - when we do play - my mind goes in all these weird directions...... from not wanting it (no thank you very much - that just hurts!!)..... to feeling like the luckiest woman alive because W IS playing with me and I so don't deserve it......... to feeling like - for some reason - I have pissed W off enough he is punishing me.... to (and this has to be my favourite) I convince myself W is playing with me because I have bugged / begged him so much/often he is doing it just to shut me up.

All that to say - we tried a couple of times last week to play - but the moon and stars weren't aligned just right.  You'd think with us both being retired - and living together - it would be easy to find an hour or so............but sadly it's not.

I thought we were set for Saturday afternoon - but then a friend called and made arrangements to come for coffee Saturday afternoon -  my mind sighed.. "so much for that play time".................. 

But W told me early Saturday morning to pull out the toys I wanted.  Mind fuck!!  toys I want??!!!  I stood looking at the toys in the box for hours (ok so it was probably only a couple of minutes but it felt like hours) then I slammed the box closed and lugged it down the stairs - almost in tears - and declared I couldn't select the toys - there would be no surprise - no nothing... it was W's job to at least decide what he wanted to use no???? 

And so he had me kneel in the living room - naked - and started using the toys he wanted - I have no real memory of what it was he used (like anyone really cares anyway) but I do know the tears came - it felt - in my addled brain - like a  punishment and I completely convinced myself I deserved it   and at one point when W stroked my back and ass - I started to cry - to feel his tender touch - when my brain was in punishment mode - just fucked with my head space even more.

At one point W disappeared for a couple of minutes and came back with the beautiful kangaroo leather whip I gave him when he collared me.  It's heavy - really heavy - and when the tip bites - it bites!!  He tried shortly after the collaring... outside....through my jeans!!  and it left a welt !!!.............. trust me when I say - on Saturday when I felt the first bite of the new whip - my stomach flip flopped.

And then it was over - and W pushed me aside firmly and sat in front of me and wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close - snotty nose, tear stained face and all.  My heart slowed down - I mumbled through more tears and snot "were you angry with me?? was it a punishment?"  (cause the brain still wasn't catching up) and W answered simply "nope" and held me tighter.

The world started to spin on its axis again - and I felt I had found my place here with him again ............... 


And for those interested here's a couple of pics of the welts / stripes from the new whip.