Loss of a Friend

 

 

I received a message from a friend in the lifestyle last evening... he had some devastating news to tell me.... chastedboi (on Fetlife) died last week suddenly. 

When I was first diagnosed with cancer someone in the community gave me his contact information... he had been diagnosed with the same cancer 5 years before me. He was SO supportive when I contacted him... answered all my questions honestly ... and in his infinite wisdom didn't give me more information than I needed.  He was extremely active in the community always giving never complaining!

When I heard his news I assumed immediately he had died from his cancer. 

BUT it wasn't.  He had been stung by a bee and had a massive anaphylaxis reaction.  He was rushed into hospital - to ICU and he died 48 hours later from a massive heart attack.  Not his cancer !!

It made me remember we should live each day in the present... cherish every moment we have................... as cliched as it is - We SHOULD live every day as if it was our last....

 

On Making Friends

 OR - fall out from the pandemic 

 When I first met the lil one I was amazed at her socialization...... everyone and I do mean EVERY ONE! was her friend ( at least in her mind!!) She was a social butterfly - which did land her in trouble frequently in class cause she played and talked too much - but yeah - my social butterfly

Two weeks ago was our first week together here in the country.  She went for quick bike rides (between rain storms) and I took her swimming but for the most part she hung around here amusing herself.

This Saturday she was moping around - looking miserable.  We sent her off for a bike ride - she was back in 10 minutes and sulked around till I got totally fed up.  I said to her 'go find a friend - GO GO GO! go to the park go to the beach - GO find a friend!!  and don't come back till you do!' (in hind sight not the most intelligent thing to say to a sulky 8 year old)

Off she went.

Only after she had been gone for 30 minutes did I realize she hadn't taken her walkie talkie!  GAH no way to contact her and this park is HUGE !!!  Sir Steve put a note on the door telling her we had gone looking for her and to stay put till we got back - and we headed off with walkie talkies in hand to find our lil one. 

As we approached the 'big' park we could hear her laughing......... she had found a group of kids and was playing happily!!  We handed her her walkie talkie - told her to have fun and we'd call her when it was dinner time.  Sir Steve and I walked back content that life was maybe returning to normal.  Sunday she was gone soon after breakfast and only came home when we walkie talkied her to come for a meal.

It occurred to me - that after being home for almost 2 years and not socializing with other children - the lil one was nervous? shy? uncertain about how to do it....... a trait she had been born with - making friends!!!  Some of that lack of confidence was certainly due to her 'growing up' and developing insecurities - BUT a lot of the hesitancy - I am sure - was due to the quarantines.  She lost the skill ............. and confidence.

Today she woke early - like REALLY early (I sent her back to bed to read till I had had my second cup of coffee - cause I'm mean like that!!) But when she was gobbling down her breakfast I asked what was on her agenda today........ She has plans to go to the park and 'hook' up with her new friends!! 

Life is good when the kids are playing again - and laughter fills the air!

Friends

 

 

Over this past year - there have been more than a few posts that describe my desperation?? my frustration?? my angst?? maybe all of them....... and every single time you have all rallied round and supported me........ you are amazing people!!

I almost didn't post yesterday's blog cause it seemed so 'here she goes again-ish'..... and not one of you said that to me - OH you may have thought it but no one said it! Most of your comments had me giggling ..... everything from the virtual road trip down to PK's pool book in hand - to Prefectdt's headbutts.... to the 'me too's' 

I am learning the true value of friends........ even ones I have never met - will probably never meet - but still friends.  and I want to say a BIG thank you to each and every one of you............ together we'll get through this.

Conundrum

Yesterday I was vegging out on the deck in the warm sunshine - listening to the birds and thought this is perfect !!! 

Well it would be more perfect if I had a friend to share it with......... 

I pondered that for a long time........ a friend........ not a novel thought for me... I have had friends - good friends - and as happens we went our separate ways...... I believe I was thinking it was time to make some new friends again............ 

I sat and thought about that idea for a bit....

and then I thought 'oh shit I'll actually have to talk to people and socialize'

And I decided that I like my own company like the quiet - like the peace - like not having to live up to anyone else's expectations............. 

And I smiled and went back to enjoying my peace and quiet and the songs of the birds.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to add - after dinner a woman who lives across the way from us here at the campsite dropped by for an after dinner chat (she's been doing that regularly when she's up here)  She stayed for over an hour......

And when she was leaving another woman who lives down the road and around the corner from our site wandered over and she spent an hour with us chatting..... 

Life is good when friends just show up and grow on ya

Networking.......

I've been in the BDSM community for almost 30 years now.  Back in the day there were many 'munches' (meals with like minded folk) and play parties and some workshops and a lot of networking.  I loved that time -- there were a lot of discussions and learning and it just felt right ya know.... being with others of the same mind set and not having to watch what you said.

Back in those days we didn't worry (or I didn't) about meeting new people.... had many cups of coffee and met many new people.  There also were a large number of blogs back in the day -- submissive blogs.  I would read avidly and sometimes drop a comment or two....... that lead to long distant friendships which were just as much fun and intriguing as the people I met face to face. 

One such long distant friendship via blogs was selkie.  Honestly she always sounded much more worldly and knowledgeable than I was........ so imagine my surprise when she dropped me a line and said she would be down visiting her mom in the city I lived in and would I be interested in meeting up for a coffee?!!!  I was delighted.  What I remember the most about that meeting was being green with envy over her long thick red hair. 

 There are lapses in my memory ....... blame it on old age........ but I remember when she told me the BDSM in her marriage was no more.  I was gob smacked -- her relationship sounded like a fairy tale to me....... I was sure it would go on forever...... so yeah I was shocked.  (not her marriage -- just the BDSM part)

Her blog stopped but she added me on FB so I still could 'stay in touch' on the vanilla side.   

Time passed -- occasionally she would leave (still does) a comment on The Journey but for the most part FB was our only contact.

Now all of this history has a point.......... 

A week ago I got a private message on FB from selkie -- she wondered if I would give her my new address here in my new city.  Of course I would!!!  She then told me she had been at an auction sale and had picked up some nice chopsticks and a fan and thought she might mail them down to me....... she knows how much Sir Steve and I love the Japanese/Chinese culture. 

Honestly there are no words to describe how touched I was.  
  
 "Of all possessions a friend is the most precious"  - Herodotus

History

Since the announcement of our engagement -- some folks have said "that was quick"... 

Time for a little history lesson (grinning)

Sir Steve and I have known each other for over 10 years.  When I first met him he was married........ This was back in the days of play parties every weekend.... I was single at the time and looking for a play partner with no strings -- or expectations -- attached.   Sir Steve and his wife became my play partners... sometimes it was Sir Steve -- sometimes both of them -- and rarely just his wife.  Then on Sunday they would come and spend the afternoon with me and we'd drink coffee and solve the great mysteries of the world.

After weeks of playing together I realized I was developing some serious feelings for Sir Steve............ but I am an honourable woman and would never EVER do anything to act on those feelings with a married man.... we were friends only.

When his marriage imploded -- quickly and without much warning -- we went our separate ways.  BUT BDSM is a community ... and I would get news on both of them and the different directions their lives went.

Then Sir Steve met the lil one's mom... oh the gossip in the community!!!  She didn't have the best reputation -- was a bit of a gold digger so I heard.....shrug... his life was moving along and I was happy for him.  

We still bumped into each other at munches and play parties... I even got to meet the lil one when she was just a babe in arms..... 

It turns out that Sir Steve kept his ears open for news about me -- much the same way as I did for him.... and he has told me he fussed a bit with some of the decisions I made.  

BUT we weren't meant to be ya know...... he had made a life for himself with someone else and I had gone back to the man who had been my Dom....I closed the book and moved on.

Then two years ago........ out of the blue........ Sir Steve contacted me on Facebook.  I was SO conflicted!!  BUT he only wanted to be friends again....... what could happen right?? We talked for a couple of months via messenger... and then he convinced me to stop for coffee on one of my trips to Montreal....... even then I didn't make it easy for him.... in November I agreed to meet him -- but on my way home -- and I warned him it would be early in the morning.  I texted him at 8 am and said 'I'll be there in an hour' and he met me !!!

More talking for another month and then just after New Year's he came to visit -- twice in one week !!  and the second visit lasted 2 1/2 days..... and that was it.... we were one.  We fit together like a puzzle.. complimenting each other.

He helped me heal -- did what was impossible for my therapist do (yes I was in therapy for a long time after the relationship with my Dom ended)    He gave me a whole new perspective of what a 'good submissive' could be... he held my hand and helped me grow -- helped me move forward....helped me heal.

And so it was -- after a only a few months of commuting between cities I decided to move .......... 

And here we are now -- engaged!

Wedding plans??? Sir Steve is still legally married to the lil one's mom...... he will have to get a divorce and neither of us have any illusions about how easy that is gonna be........... 

BUT

as I told him...... knowing he wants to marry me -- wearing his ring on my finger... having that commitment is all I really need ..... if the day comes when we can make it legal .. shrug... it'll probably be a quick visit to city hall (on a lunch hour -- grinning) 

 

Opposite Directions

I am off today to pick up angelsquest and head west to visit some friends for lunch. 

I made some of my infamous Quebecois onion soup (there's nothing to compare to it here in Ontario -- at least not that I've found) ...... our friends are gonna be the final judge on how good the 'real' stuff is.

We'll have a nice visit then home ...... to an empty house and an empty chat program.  LLF is going east to catch up with some friends and spend the weekend.

It's going to be a long weekend -- but I am gonna hold on to thoughts for next weekend.......LLF and I are gonna to a munch in Montreal and catch up with some old friends -- and then to a play party in the evening.  

Yup gonna hang on to those thoughts to get me through this weekend ............ 

Long Lost Friend

About 8 years ago a friend and I drifted apart.  Life happens ya know? He got married...they had a baby ... 

Then this summer I noticed the wife had changed her status on Fetlife to single.  I won't say I wasn't surprised.... sometimes you just have a feeling about relationships ya know?

Anyway the end of September he messaged me on Facebook -- just a "hi how ya doing?"  We messaged on and off for a bit.  It was all pretty tentative....... felt a little bit like walking on eggs.

Then he suggested that perhaps on one of my trips to Montreal I might stop off and have a coffee with him and we could catch up.

After some thought I did stop in -- and we had coffee and a 30 minute rest stop landed up being a 2 hour chat with laughter and tears and memories.  The friend I thought I had lost was sitting in front of me -- nothing much had changed.  In fact it didn't feel like we had been apart for almost 8 years.

Over the Christmas holidays we had some long facebook chats.  It felt really good ya know..... like old times.  I mentioned a munch I was gonna go to this Friday and he wistfully talked about the munches we all used to attend.  I suggested, seeing as he didn't have his daughter this week -- and he hadn't ever been to Kingston -- that perhaps he would like to come and stay for a couple of days.  He said 'maybe'.

Yesterday he messaged and confirmed.  He is coming down today...... we'll talk and relive more memories, we'll wander around Kingston and go to a munch.  

Long lost friend found -- and that is a very good thing!
 

Just 'cause

because friends sometimes need a little support -- and sometimes words fail me -- 

More Emotions

Yesterday I was feeling some strong conflicting emotions in the morning -- I was happily rubbing my bruises -- and smiling over our private time -- but feeling a little "droppy" and my sometimes feeling of being inadequate.  
 
Then I got a message that a friend had been taken into hospital........... and it sounded pretty serious.  There was not one flickering thought about not going -- not one.  She needed me so where else would I be?? 

  When I messaged 'Hands'  to tell him where I was going and what had happened -- he told me they would come if I needed them...... said it twice to make sure it got through the fog that is my brain on emotions.  It made me smile and feel warm and fuzzy -- but I could handle this -- I just pulled on my "big girl panties" and 'adulted' through the day. 

Fortunately -- as much as it still sounds pretty serious -- the surgeon decided to treat her as an out patient and at the end of a long day I was able to take her home.


But when I got home in the evening -- to the quiet and calm of my lil home -- the tears came.  When I have to I can "adult" really well -- take charge -- make sure things are handled......... but damn after ??? I always just kind of crash -- and feel alone and scared.  Believe it or not -- despite the heat -- I wrapped myself up in a soft snuggly blanket and curled up on the sofa -- Miss Ashes seemed to sense my emotions and she curled up beside me and put a lil paw on my breast -- rubbed her head against me purred and purred.  Not quite as good as being held tight in a hug -- but it damn sure pulled a close second.

And now it is Tuesday -- and time to drag myself back to reality -- no more time allowed to feel .......... time to go to the gym -- get the laundry done -- pick up some groceries and get on with my life -- such as it is. 

That is what adults do -- right?

A Quiet Moment in Time

It was late and dark as I climbed in my car to do the long drive home.

My mind was reviewing the evening - feeling the knots of discomfort -- feeling the awkwardness ......... and then I caught a whiff of a scent... 

My senses heightened -- it was in my hair and across my shoulders. A small smile came to my face - the awkwardness and the discomfort disappeared .  In it's place was the memory of his scent....... of his soft voice speaking soft words ... of his strong arms pulling me close in a hug - soft words apologizing for not being able to fix it ... calm words - strong arms and a soft kiss.

The drive home was not so long anymore - or so miserable -- his scent was with me and I felt surrounded by his calm and his peace and his strength. 

Misunderstandings

What did you see in the picture above - a duck??? a rabbit?? something else?? 




Misunderstandings are a bit like the picture -- everyone sees something different - interprets words / phrases/feelings differently.   

And misunderstandings can start small -- with different interpretations for a word - flirt becomes stalker - stalker becomes predator ...... feelings that were slightly bruised can spiral totally out of control.  Then more words are said -- more feelings are hurt -- and it starts to all spiral out of control.

And usually when I think that things have blown over - cause they should have -- they haven't and they bubble up again..........and I am left feeling confused and hurt and feeling just a tad insane .... cause I don't know what anyone is talking about any more.... and I land up feeling at odds with everyone.  

Mostly - MOSTLY - I have been caught in the middle of a misunderstanding.. 
I say mostly because at the very beginning I did have an opinion - and in my usual brush it off attitude -- I kinda made a joke (ok a bad one I admit it ) but then I figured just let it go -- it's really not about YOU.  BUT it did involve two friends -- and I did get caught in the middle.  

Have I told you I don't like being in the middle -- and I most definitely do NOT like having to pick sides.  

AND I do NOT air dirty laundry in public...... EVER........ I believe in private conversation -- rational conversation -- diplomatic conversation -- cause I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  

But people's feelings did get hurt -- and yeah some of it was my doing.  People don't believe I was loyal to this party -- or that I didn't say a, b, or c to that person - I feel like people are watching every twitch I make and interpreting it to mean something much more than it means.  (I itch I twitch - sometimes it's as simple as that)

Last night was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I felt like I was being accused of saying something someone else said.  It was suggested to me that everyone have a big sit down discussion - ohhhhhh a whole lot of things were suggested.

AND I said NO
I am DONE
It's over for me

Because at some point trying to convince people that it is a rabbit when they see a duck is impossible.

And the one thing I DID realize -- I can not change anyone's opinion of me -- I am a duck I am a rabbit -- I am wrong.  BUT what I can do - I can shut the computer off... I can shut all the noise out ... I can remember my grandmother's words -- the truth will come out eventually - you may not be there to see it happen -- but the truth always wins out.

And my last word - very last word on this whole thing is............. 

Second Sweetest Thing

Do you ever hold on to something / someone long past the "overdue" date?? 

I think I tend to do that some times...... I hide when I see problems - pretend everything is ok - and just carry on........ 

BUT things had changed between The Sadist and I a few weeks ago.  I felt it / sensed it.  BUT pretended everything was ok - until pretending didn't work anymore.  

Angel and I talked about my feelings - and she had all sorts of reasons why I might be feeling this way - and then I guess I said - "I will just let it die a natural death" meaning he probably wouldn't contact me again and I wouldn't have to do or say anything.

BUT Angel is not a sit by and let things happen kinda girl - she told me to write him - to put it out there - "take control DAMMIT" I think she said (small smile)

And so I spent a long sleepless night weighing my words - and yesterday morning sent off an email to The Sadist.  

His response surprised me a bit - he wanted to come and talk about it.

My response to that email was typical "morningstar" ........ I thought I was gonna throw up.

Angel called me - she offered to come and be with me - but I said no I would do this "hard stuff" alone - but could I call her when he had gone 

(God as I write this I sound like a bloody teenager in high school - or neurotic!!)

Anyway The Sadist came - and you know what - I am glad he did - I am glad he made me sit down and talk with him...... it's all part of being "grown up" right?? 

The long and short of the conversation was we parted friends - and laughing........ which when you think about it is a wonderful way to end a relationship....... friends laughing.

BUT that isn't what this blog entry is really about....... 

The Sadist sent me an email in the afternoon - he told me Angel had sent him a message - and he said " ............ perhaps you both need to be as strong for yourselves as you are for each other.  You two worry so much about the other.... but maybe that's what a best friend is really about" 

I sat smiling at that bit - I cut and pasted it to Angel - she wrote back "that's the second sweetest thing anyone said today" 

I thought it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said about Angel and I 

Friends

When I moved here to Kingston - I only had W.  It was kinda scary to be honest.  I left behind a huge community of friends ........... and of course my family.

But I discovered friendship here ..... and it didn't take long.  AND when the times got tough those friends rallied around me and held me up and helped me find my feet .. my strength.. and my life.  

BUT there is one friend........ Angel ........ who holds a very special place in my heart.  She was the quiet one who heard the pain behind the words "I'm fine thanks" .. She's the one who came the day after I moved - and in all that heat - on her holidays - motivated me to unpack - to organise - to claim this apartment as mine - as MY HOME.
And she didn't leave when it was done.  She stayed ......... and become my mentor in this thing called life .. she has slapped me upside the head - delicately - when I needed it.  She has been my guide through this dating process.  She has been my safe call both literally and figuratively.  

It's really weird this friendship......... how it started ............. 

About 4 years ago I got an email message off The Journey that basically asked if I would mentor her.  Usually I don't pay much attention to those sorts of messages - usually I politely decline and forget about it.  BUT this time I sent back a rather snarky message that said " define mentor for me" ........... And from that first email .. first seed .. a deep abiding friendship has grown.

She comes here every day and reads what I write.  And sometimes my written words  come out easier than talking.......... 

I love Angel like a sister - NO - probably more than a sister.  You have been my rock and my guide - my confessor - my strength - my voice of reason.  I know what a big step you have taken Angel ....... and I am thinking it probably is a bit scary - but please know - please HEAR me - I am here - day or night - let me be your rock this time.. let me help anyway I can.  That's what friends do for each other........... so let me do for you now.. Let me be strong for you..  look beside you that's where I am  !!

 

Counting My Blessings

i

I went to a munch last night - only it didn't feel like a munch - it really felt like having dinner with good friends!!  

When I was driving home down the 401 in the dark - with just music playing softly in the background - I was counting my blessings - mostly having such good friends - friends who will tease me and make me blush - friends who have my back - friends who care.  Friends I know I could call and they would be there for me - in a flash

And more than real time friends - I count many of you here on The Journey as friends - you drop by and often leave me comments .... supportive comments.. encouraging comments.... quiet soft warnings ..... and I want you to know how much those comments mean to me...... I should thank  each of you individually after such comments - but I don't and it is at times like this that I feel ashamed that I am so lazy - or busy (yeah sometimes I have a legitimate reason for not thanking each of you) But please know I DO appreciate - love hearing your comments!

I am such a lucky woman............ thank you to every one of you for your loves - for your support - for being a "friend" 

Excited

I am beginning to see an end to this beginning............ well an end to all the boxes and mess !!  

And today - as promised - eldest daughter and her partner arrive to do all the heavy - complicated stuff - to help turn this apartment into a "home".

I feel a little bit like a kid at Christmas - which is silly I know - but this visit has been promised since I made the decision to move.  "We'll come down Mom - and hang curtains and do all the heavy stuff - don't worry we'll be there to help you"   

They shifted their schedules around - cleared the day - and they are coming!!  

It really is a special feeling to have people to support you and help you.  I am a very lucky woman - from family to the BDSM community  even here on the Journey  - folks have rallied round me and have been there for me ........ what a feeling!  it makes me all teary eyed - and I wonder what I did to deserve such friendship....

Wasn't there a bit from Sound of Music that went 
 
Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good




 

Messsage

About two weeks ago I guess it was - I received an email from a friend / acquaintance.  I had just rsvp'd that I wouldn't be attending a discussion group.  

The email basically said that despite what I thought / felt - this might be the very best time for me to attend.  I kept thinking how does he know what the best time is??? but I went .......... and the "old me" started to reappear... the bratty me.. the cheeky me... and I laughed along with everyone and realized that there was more to life than going to the gym and sitting at the computer working........ a whole BIG world had been waiting for me to reappear and re-discover my place in it.

And life has kinda started to move along again...... play time this weekend - another meeting this week of a new group getting started...... and lo and behold I was made a group leader!  (not sure how much of an "honour" that is - grinning - they need workers and I am a worker!)  BUT despite my thoughts that I would never see the BDSM side of my life again - here I am more active/busy than I have been in a LONG long time..... 

And that is a good thing - a very good thing!

All thanks to what I affectionately am calling my "message in a bottle" ..........

Lucky Me

Three years ago I met a woman - someone who had contacted me via my blog (I'll call her J).  At the exact same time I met another woman (I'll call her C) - someone I had   known from Montreal.  I met them both here in Kingston at a munch.  Little did I know, three years ago, that we would become the bestest of friends.  

It was a slow gradual process.  But then last spring when I found out about my tumors - C also found some lumps.  We three decided to have lunch.  We joked that it was our support group.  We met for lunch every month during the rough months.  And then - well then it just developed into a monthly "thing" - lunch with the girls.
 
I consider myself the luckiest person alive to have found these two women.  It's been a long time since I had a bestest friend....... and somehow I got lucky enough to find two!


AND to top it all off.... we're all just a little twisted (devilish grin)

drakor

drakor arrives today for 3 days!  Remember drakor?  We  used to have our coffee date every Friday afternoon. 

Anyway he challenged me a while back with the promise of a few days of his slave service if I won.  And much to his surprise I won!! So he arrives to serve out his sentence this morning (and will be leaving on Thursday.)

We're having company for dinner tomorrow night and She and I have cooked up some fun for drakor....... and maybe ourselves as well.  

Expect pictures!

Girlfriends

I am very lucky - since I moved here to Kingston I have met two amazing women.  Last spring we met for lunch one Sunday........... and talked and cried and laughed and talked some more.

That one lunch has evolved into a monthly lunch meetup ........ for the first time in my life I guess - I really understand "we have your back"............ yup I get it cause they do -  have my back and me theirs.

We are all submissives...........one has a part time partner - one has no partner and - well -you know where I am with our relationship.  Sunday's lunch was a mix of silliness - finding a TOP who will come to beat two of our asses (and one day soon - all 3 of our asses) right through serious thoughtful advice ..... tears and laughter and talking.

I don't know where I was going with this - except to say I am a lucky subbie to have 2 such good friends...... that have my back............