Saturday, April 09, 2011
I looked up the meaning of intimacy and was actually surprised. I assumed it meant something to do with sex... but actually it means a close personal relationship.
All I know is that I have been thinking how my masochistic self is slowly returning..... At the play party last weekend I managed to have 2 small orgasms from the pain. And I was happy. And I think Warren was happy.
But days later I realized there was something missing - always has been - from having orgasms from pain.
It is a bit like masturbating. And I know this is gonna sound really dumb - but there is little contact with the other person. Oh there is contact with whatever toy - flogger, whip, crop - that is being used........ but there isn't human closeness. The feel of skin on skin. The smell of the other person. The soft touch of their hand.
Also - and I am not sure I can explain this well....... there is an emptiness inside of me. A twitching that just doesn't seem to go away. I wonder sometimes where these orgasms from pain come from if not from within me. Yet inside I feel cheated, I feel needy and that need grows as time goes on....... it doesn't dissipate even though I have had an orgasm or two. It doesn't even dissipate if I masturbate using all the toys at hand.
I am left feeling empty and lonely - I miss the intimacy of sex I guess. The growling - the moaning - all of the sounds and physical intimacies that go along with sex.