I looked up the meaning of intimacy and was actually surprised. I assumed it meant something to do with sex... but actually it means a close personal relationship.
All I know is that I have been thinking how my masochistic self is slowly returning..... At the play party last weekend I managed to have 2 small orgasms from the pain. And I was happy. And I think Warren was happy.
But days later I realized there was something missing - always has been - from having orgasms from pain.
It is a bit like masturbating. And I know this is gonna sound really dumb - but there is little contact with the other person. Oh there is contact with whatever toy - flogger, whip, crop - that is being used........ but there isn't human closeness. The feel of skin on skin. The smell of the other person. The soft touch of their hand.
Also - and I am not sure I can explain this well....... there is an emptiness inside of me. A twitching that just doesn't seem to go away. I wonder sometimes where these orgasms from pain come from if not from within me. Yet inside I feel cheated, I feel needy and that need grows as time goes on....... it doesn't dissipate even though I have had an orgasm or two. It doesn't even dissipate if I masturbate using all the toys at hand.
I am left feeling empty and lonely - I miss the intimacy of sex I guess. The growling - the moaning - all of the sounds and physical intimacies that go along with sex.
I also find orgasms from anything but proper sex with a real female unsatisfactory. They can be stronger, easier - but still not as good. The human contact is what counts, for me.
ReplyDelete:-(...
ReplyDeleteThere were, in the months and years after my hysterectomy, a whole lot of questions about "intimacy" versus "sex." I eventually came to understand that with or without orgasms as I had always experienced them, intimacy was about so much more. In time, I figured out that it was about being close, physically and emotionally with a partner, and that the "sex" could arise from a variety of sensory experiences that were not necessarily related to traditional vaginal intercourse. I'm no expert, but I think that as we age, we have to really look into the ways we can please and engage each other physically -- and so improve the quality of our intimacy.
ReplyDeleteAnd, btw -- I also suffer from the "distance" that is so often a part of normal SM (impact) play. In my experience the most memorable and earth-shaking sessions are the ones that include lots of touching, stroking, kneading, scratching and other skin to skin contact mixed into the pain sensations.
hugs, swan
I'm not sure which I find more sad, the feelings expressed in your post or Warren's comment.
ReplyDelete~tranquility
I agree with tranquility. If you are unhappy, it seems hurtful to discuss this publicly instead of with your partner.
ReplyDelete:(
I was thinking the same thing..... I dont think it was meant maliciously but still most partners would find the implications hurtful especially stated in public. I am also aware that in reality Warren may have nothing to do with much less be responsible for your feelings of lacking in the sexual arena. It's just that. Putting it public without explanation leaves the reader to come to their own conclusion. Which may be totally wrong but still I would be hurt if people assumed I was leaving my partner to feel inept in ......
ReplyDeletejust sayin'.
I can completely understand the emotions and emptiness. I used to only be turned on and comfortable with sex without connection. It seemed like it fulfilled what I needed at the time. Many people I knew could not understand how I could have detached sex, yet I could not understand their need for an attachment. I think that perception was the down fall for me. I saw *need = weak* rather than *want* for some connection being ok.
ReplyDeleteSometimes when my Master and i play I feel like something is missing and realize that these are the few times when we are lacking a connection beyond the "motions".
I hope this assures you that you are not alone and nothing is wrong with you...it seems to me that we all need that kind of reassurance some days.
viemoira