Thursday, January 23, 2020
It has been growing....... the feeling that my nerves are on edge... small things are irritating me... I am ANTSY.
and it's January..... so basically it is my annual nervous breakdown.
At 2 this morning - lying in the darkness - I thought IF I could take my pill then I wouldn't feel so antsy -- I would be able to stop things from getting under my skin and making me grind my teeth..... and bite my tongue...... IF I could take a pill.
But I won't take that pill. I have tools now (thanks to Bounce Back) to handle (to some degree) the feelings of irritation.
Yesterday I washed all the floors in the house... I polished the wood floors... I scrubbed the kitchen floor - on my knees to make sure they were really clean! that is my OCD kicking in... the need to have everything neat and tidy and clean. Sir Steve came home from work to pick up the lil one and take her to swimming class... he walked across the kitchen floor with his boots on. When they were gone there were dirty footprints across my clean kitchen floor. The tears came -- and the anger came........ didn't anyone else want a clean house?? didn't HE appreciate a clean house?? didn't HE realize how much work it is to get the house this clean?? I paced and I stewed and I slammed cupboard doors as I started to make dinner.
When they got home I took a deep breath and quietly talked to Sir Steve...... explained how upset I was -- he apologized and supper went on the table.
I talked to myself -- pointed out that this neat/clean fixation was my obsession ... not his.. not the lil one's... all mine. and in the big picture how important was it really??!
I took deep breaths - I slowed my pulse/heart rate down - I reminded myself this would pass.
And at 2 this morning I wanted a pill ..... I craved a pill....... I needed to deaden the emotions........... BUT I won't take the pill...... slowly things will improve if I keep breathing....
Life is good when you resist the temptations and remember to breath.
Wednesday, January 22, 2020
Tuesday, January 21, 2020
Just a little history......
My involvement in the kink world may differ slightly compared to yours..... I was very involved in our local BDSM community.... publicly involved.... attending workshops and munches (meet and greets)... going to conventions....frequently playing publicly.
Over the years I was aware of newbies that got involved with some less than savoury characters........ one woman I remember (not young and stupid either) met up with a man at a motel -- was tied up and beaten - not good beating either - black and blue and damaged beating.
I formed a submissive group (I have talked about that before) - our plan was to educate and support each other. There have always been predators on the fringes of our community...... it was difficult to hear about the women who were taken advantage of.. who were hurt... some damaged... some driven out of the community in fear. This was not what I wanted for newbies ... I wanted them to find the joy that the community brought me.
Well the years have passed. The community has changed ... I have pulled back..... a long way back. And because I haven't been actively involved I forgot about the dangers that lurk out there ........
until yesterday. I read Bonnie's (My Bottom Smarts) post 'Coping with Hate' ....
If you are interested go read it.....
Life is good even when it's a 'same shit different day' situation.
Monday, January 20, 2020
We had plans for the weekend...... but this is the Great White North ...so no plans are ever engraved in stone in January. The predicted snow storm hit......... mind you we have nothing to complain about we don't live in Newfoundland. (see below)
We got 20 cms of snow - Newfoundland got 75cms (or almost 3 feet) in less than 12 hours (AND they got another 15cms a day later)
So yeah we have nothing to complain about!
Nevertheless we had plans for a family gathering in Montreal to celebrate eldest daughter's (and her husband's) birthday. The snow came and plan A was changed to Plan B.
Plan B was not nearly as much fun - or as interesting - as Plan A. Plan B consisted of movie watching and snuggling .......... and then on Sunday when the storm was over - shovelling....... and more shovelling...... and some more shovelling!
Plan C is in the works -- Plan C is a trip to the campgrounds this coming Saturday for a hot dog / skating party...... and then out for sushi for dinner....... Birthday Party 2.0.
there's more snow in the forecast for this coming Saturday.........
we might need a Plan D......
Life is good when there are 25 letters in the alphabet
Just a little history...... My involvement in the kink world may differ slightly compared to yours..... I was very involved in our...
We had plans for the weekend...... but this is the Great White North ...so no plans are ever engraved in stone in January. The pre...