Thursday, September 29, 2005


i feel violated......... and nothing THAT bad really happened.. but still.. the feelings persist. Today.. on my lunch hour.. to try and save some time .. i ran to get groceries........ i was rushing and only took my wallet instead of my big purse. i rushed through the store .. picked up the few things i needed... and went through the check out - one eye on the clock. i put my wallet down on the counter while i loaded the bags into the cart to take out to my car....... rushed outside .. put the bags in the car.. then ........ you guessed it! realized i did not have my wallet. i rushed back into the store but it was gone.. and of course no one knew anything about it. i felt sick.. i still feel sick and violated.

What allows a person to steal something that does not belong to them?? It boggles my mind!! i believe a good part of it stems from some lack of code of ethics. Once a child stole something from my desk.... when i spoke to the parent i was told "ohhhhhhhhh johnny didn't STEAL it.. he just took it !" Took it??!!! was it his?? no.. it was mine.. therefore it is stealing.. simple as that to me.... You take something that is not yours it is stealing!!
Many years ago.. i went to the banking machine (ATM) and took out some money.. my children were with me.... in the batch of money was a $50 bill. i was floored and went into the bank.. one child asked me why i was returning it....... i said .. "because it is NOT mine!"

Life seems so simple to me.... right and wrong.. black and white (ok ok some grey areas thrown in for good measure) ... i am a simple person i guess.... and when something like this happens to me i feel violated. It only took me an hour to cancel my credit cards and ATM card...... phone the license bureau and find out what to do now and how much it is gonna cost me.. BUT the feelings inside will last a long long time... how can someone take something that is not theirs???!!! Where have the honest people gone????

Thank god for Sir....... when i was little tiny broken pieces .. i called Him.. His voice so far away soothed me.. telling me the world had not come to an end.... it happens.. W/we will fix it and everything will be alright again.......... He is right....... but i still feel violated....

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

love letters

love letters........ romantically tied with red ribbons stored away in a trunk to be found by some relative long after the days have passed.

When my mother died we found in her treasure box every card my dad ever gave/sent her. They weren't tied with a red ribbon - but there they were all collected together locked in her treasure box. Loves little secrets........

My Sir leaves me (from time to time) little love notes around the house. i have found one on the back of the front door - carefully placed so that i would find it when i got home from work - on it was a big smiley face hand drawn by Sir and the words "When I think of you"...... i found another once taped to the coffee pot - it said simply "have a good day" and once inside the cupboard that holds my coffee mugs - "Hope your day got off on an upswing". Little love notes..... meant to brighten up my day.. put a smile on my face.. make me feel loved and protected.

i collect journals - books with blank pages..... all have different covers .. one has a big sunflower on the cover.. another has quotes from Alice in Wonderland.. my most recent one simply states "Secret Garden" on it ....... so many little journals.. all kept for some special occasion.. some secret writing.. but one journal is very special.. i have pasted each and every one of Sir's little love notes inside - one per page. i wonder... when the day finally comes for me.... and my children are going through my things... if they will open my journals and read the words inside.... i wonder what they will think when they find the soft love notes written by my Sir..... will they feel the wonder i felt when i opened my mother's treasure box?? i certainly hope so...... for everyone should have love notes hidden away .. testament to the love they found in this life....

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

on cleaning house

i love when the house is clean.... BUT.. i hate cleaning it.... especially scrubbing the toilet and washing the bathroom floor..... i keep telling myself that this too is done for my Sir... but it doesn't help..... i HATE cleaning!!!

My grandmother used to say "cleanliness is next to Godliness"...... so i wonder as i scrub the toilet and bathroom floor who cleans heaven for god??? Do i have this to look forward to .. in the after life..... cleaning bathrooms???? sighhhhhhhhhhh i would much rather think that i will find a nice big playroom and all the toys my heart could long for... and Doms lined up all anxious and eager to have a session ....... now am i being sacrilegious? Sorry but that is just the direction my silly lil subbie brain is wandering .........

As i was leaving work today i mentioned that i was coming home to clean.. the comment went round WHY would i have to clean?? i have no children living at home...... i live alone.. what is there to clean??? Welllllll i casually mentioned.. i do have 2 cats who are delighting in leaving hair balls all around the house.. massive great BIG hairballs.. i guess it is better to find hairballs in the corners then have the cats swallowing them.......... But i digress....... why clean the house you live alone............ when i had kids living in the house with me.. i always seemed to be wiping up finger prints off the walls and doors.. and i was always yipping at the kids to keep their fingers off the walls and doors.......... Then when i found myself living alone... i remember the first time i cleaned and discovered finger prints on the walls and doors.. i opened my mouth to yip at the kids and realized.. MY GOD!! those were MY finger prints on the walls and doors.. and i had to wonder how many times i blamed the kids when they were really my own..........

When i go grocery shopping i always look at the cleaning products all lined up so nicely on the shelves - with all their promises of making cleaning easier..... leaving one's house looking sparkly bright and clean.. and smelling spring time fresh.. or garden fresh.... or lemon fresh....... how about just clean smelling???? What happened to just smelling clean?? and ohhhhhhhh the disappointment when one tries all these miracle products to find that really a little elbow grease works just as well.. if not better......

But after all is said and done.. and i sit back .. i do enjoy a clean house...... everything in its place .. everything sparkly... till next week .. when i am back at the scrubbing and cleaning and wondering once again bout Heaven and cleanliness and godliness......

Monday, September 26, 2005

Tag - your it!

i was tagged.. which means ... for those that don't know.. that i have been sent some questions from another blog that i read ..... and i am supposed to answer them...... is this kinda like a chain letter?? i HATE chain letters.. BUT somehow this wet rainy Monday does not inspire me to write much.. so why not answer the questions??
Here goes:

1) Who/what are you??
i am lots of things.. from mother to educator to administrator to sister to friend to submissive ... all rolled into one woman - who sometimes wonders which hat she should be wearing........

2) What do you fantasize about?
really that depends on the day.. the mood i am in... lots of things....... my favourite fantasies involve lots of whips and floggers and ropes.. and hours and hours of time alone with my Sir
ok ok .. i have lots and lots of sexual fantasies.. but i am NOT gonna jot them down here... glibbly .. perhaps they could be a topic for another blog........

3) Number of times you have been in love
i am in love with life and all the people that touch my life..... i don't want to count how many times i have loved someone and lost...... THAT is depressing ...... much better to live in the NOW.

4) Number of people you love right now
welllllll let's see .. of course there is Sir.. and my girls.. and my grandson.. and .. well see above answer........

5) Number of people you have sex with now
You need to ask?? 1 just one.. my Sir

6)the slut test

now quite truthfully i am trying to figure out why that was included... and was slightly amused by it at the same time........ those that know me well know i HATE the term slut... it tends to bring out the very worst in me..

7) When did you have your first sexual encounter
again.. i would love a definition.. sexual encounter?? basically i was a virgin when i got married (22 years old) .. but there were the stolen kisses and touches in the back of the boyfriend's car when i was in high school.. does that count??

8) How many times have you been collared
3 times

9) Are you shaven?

10) Have you ever been sold?
nope.. i wouldn't fetch very much on the market........... (wicked grin) i tend to chew up Doms and spit them out......

11) How many siblings do you have?
one - a brother

12) Your father is:

13) Your mother is:
also dead
now that's cheery isn't it??

14) Do you have rituals - what is your favourite
lordie.. Sir and i have more than a few rituals.... my favourite??? probably curled up at Sir's feet after dinner .. after the kitchen is tidied.. curled up watching TV quietly.

15) what religion are you?
now.. nothing formal.. originally United Church of Canada

16) Movie star you look like?
no one i know of

17) Favourite novel?
any novel written by James Patterson......... light fluffy mysteries.. i do way too much serious reading all winter long (job related)

18) Describe your physical appearance
i HATE these questions.. let's just say my physical appearance could use some work on bad days .. on good days it is something i live with

19) Describe your favourite BDSM session
it has to be any session in which Sir pushes my limits.. where at the end i feel fulfilled..complete and surprised !! i remember one where Sir did everything He wanted.. ignored my tears.. pushed me to my limit and then pushed me some more.... THAT has to be my favourite one - to read it click here: hard days night

20) What body modifications do you have?
i have 2 tattoes.. one on my thigh of the BDSM symbol that was put there the day Sir collared me... the other is a butterfly on my breast that i put there when i started a new life for ME!
On the second anniversary of my collaring Sir had my clit hood pierced

Now..... if anyone who reads my blog would like to consider themselves "tagged" - go for it!!! i won't send it on.. but you are most welcome to copy the questions...

Sunday, September 25, 2005

peeking out Part 1

i am peeking.. to see if anyone is still dropping by..... not completely totally sure i am ready to stick my head completely out .. is it safe???

have you noticed i can be rather opinionated?? set in my ways?? when it comes to social norms and good manners??? oh yeah.. and i can be (shock shock!!!) rather outspoken when i think i have been pushed to the limits of patience and good social graces. Both my worlds seemed to collide this week with bad manners and lacking social graces... and i imploded. i know from conversations i have had with some other folks that i am not wrong.. just maybe a tad old fashioned with my ideas....... and maybe a tad too rigid?? (those are my words). But both those qualities are what make Sir and i such a good fit.. like puzzle pieces fitted together. Simple good manners are important to me... i don't know what has happened to the world?! i was raised to believe you accept an invitation for dinner.. you eat what is put in front of you and thank them gracefully you do not order up food as though it were a restaurant. i was brought up with a very different work ethic than what i am seeing in the working world.......... pass the buck.. cut corners... and lie about it. UGH..........

But then .. right in the midst of imploding subbies the phone rang... a couple who have more on their plates than people with poor social graces or terrible work ethics called and invited us for coffee and conversation. And what a delightful evening we had..... good conversation over coffee and cookies.. lots of laughs and good company........ all of which worked miracles on putting this imploded subbie back together.........

peeking in

The toys were fetched from the play room and lined up nicely along the couch in the living room. i stripped naked and laid on my stomach on the floor at Sir's feet, pillow tucked under my hips to elevate my ass - an easier target. i had not brought the easy playful toys upstairs ... i wanted and needed to feel the pain.. to climb on top of it and fly.......... so there was the purple plastic flogger, the leather tawse with pretty patterns cut out of it, the riding crop and the wooden paddle. That's it! not much choice and definitely no wiggle room...

Sir started with the purple plastic flogger ( i am thinking it should be renamed "the purple people eater") After only a couple of hits i was arching my back and whimpering and wiggling about. Each time i would clench my ass muscles trying to protect my "hidden charms" from the biting plastic falls, Sir would stop and say " I am only seeing RED .. where is the white?" and He would wait and wait until i unclenched the muscles. Then the falls would bite down into the crack finding my asshole and my pussy. Fireworks were exploding in my mind's eye......

A breath.. i got to catch one quick breath before Sir resumed with the crop. Now the crop is a devilish toy as well.. much easier to aim and achieve direct hits! At one point i was finding it harder and harder to keep the ass muscles relaxed .. so Sir used one hand to open me up and with the other manouver the crop into all the delicate crevices. For a change of pace Sir moved to stand over my legs and swing the crop down hard on the soft underside of my ass..

The tawse was applied with equal relish to my ass and thighs........ but it didn't have the same flexibility to reach down into the hidden crevices and hunt out my "jewels"........ so it was soon put aside for the paddle.......... then Sir's voice ordering me to roll over on my back .. so that my breasts and pussy and clit were easily available to Him. I rolled over gingerly ... begging with Sir to spare my nipples....... using my hands to present my breasts to the crop......... closing my eyes...... feeling the sharp bite of the crop across my breasts then moving down and feeling Sir strike over and over across my thighs and deep into the space between my legs..feeling the crop catch my clit jewelry time and again.. and feeling the wetness growing and spilling out of me...feeling the crop slide down between my lips and pick up the wetness and bring it back up to illustrate to Sir my definite pleasure despite my load moaning and scattered tears.

Finally Sir flipped me over onto my stomach again and with paddle and tawse worked my ass over till it was tight and swollen and ready to burst open like a ripened peach.......
and one imploded subbie was completely and totally mended.............

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Thursday, September 22, 2005


It is funny sometimes how things work out......... this morning i put down some thoughts for this blog....... and then went off to work. Tonite when i got home i realized that i am squirrelly..... twitching... a bit like a cat on a hot tin roof... and the notes i made this morning have no meaning for me now.......

i know what the problem is....mostly....... i want / need / am craving major pain........ and our weekend is pretty much planned out..... company for dessert on Friday .. Sir is working on Saturday and may not come back on Sunday....... somehow it seems like there will be no time for playing...........

But i know that isn't really true...yet the element of surprise is not there.. cause there is so much planned.. (am i making any sense?? ) i am twitching remembering how there used to be this major element of surprise surrounding my time with Sir.. i never really knew what to expect.. and somehow now i know ......... and i don't want to know..

i want to go back to the feelings i used to have when the very thought of Sir coming here would leave me weak kneed and dripping wet....... butterflies the size of elephants would be marching around in my stomach from Thursday through His arrival on Friday....... my skin would feel like it had electric currents running over it....... i would stammer and stutter and feel my skin hot to the touch when He arrived..........

Actually i AM like that tonite..... twitching and weak kneed and dripping wet.. until i think of what this weekend holds..... and the weekends to follow....... and it all skids to a sudden stop...........

Sometimes it feels like life is spinning crazily out of control........... and i am twitching over here on the side wishing it would just slow down a little bit.. just a little bit.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

on feeling protected

Once upon a time i was like this little turtle.... alone in the world .... and the best way i had to protect myself was to pull into my shell and shut the world out. i had learned (like so many) that the world could be a big bad place to live. i felt small and insignificant and very alone.

Then i met Sir .. and i remember saying to Him so many times when the world would nip at my heels and He would ask "are you ok?" i would laugh and say "yeah i am fine.. i am a tough old bird".......... He never believed me.. ever! He could see the hurt hiding just behind my eyes. BUT He knew until i was ready there was nothing He could do except stand beside me......

i also remember the turning point.. i was going through a particularily bad patch..... fighting the system.. feeling like for every step forward i slipped back two.... time was of the essence .. and i had no one to help me.. BUT i did !!! i picked up the phone and called Sir.. and though He couldn't be with me in body...... He moved heaven and earth from far away to make things happen for me. To give me the strength to fight the system .. to fight hard for someone i loved more than anyone else ever in the whole world... to fight for her right to die.
After when it was all over.. and she was finally at peace.. it was Sir who stood beside me.. walking me through everything that had to be done.. listening quietly while i still dealt with nasty lil thorny issues.... He never left my side... and i learned i wasn't alone anymore.

Last night Sir popped by unexpectedly.. and W/we talked long and hard about "stuff".. about my feelings.. about the “hussy” ...about my issues with privacy.. and as i lay in bed waiting for sleep to arrive, i realized how unprotected.. vulnerable i have become. For me it was easy to turn over my body .. do with it what You wish....... but it was a completely different matter to turn over the emotional vulnerable side of my being.....

It has taken 4 long years for me to be this open.. this vulnerable... like my little turtle only now with no shell. It can be a scary place - this vulnerable place i am in - BUT as i wrote yesterday .. i am safe under His hand...........

Monday, September 19, 2005

under his hand

Last evening before i was allowed to go to sleep, Sir had me on my belly on the bed with a warning not to move, and then He used a few of the "upstairs" toys on me. First He used the leather strap - it had been a long time since He used the strap and i had forgotten how much it stung........ it didn't take more than a few slaps for me to be wiggling... Sir placed a hand firmly on the small of my back holding me still, while He continued to strap my ass. There was something almost comforting in the feel of His hand. It was warm to the touch and firm... and it had a way of centering me. The slaps from the leather strap didn't seem to hurt as much - i was under His hand.

And that is how i see my life........ everything that happens for good or bad.. i am safe under His hand.... it is a wonderful feeling..... a nice safe place to be.......

Sunday, September 18, 2005

behind locked doors

Behind locked doors the most amazing healing can happen....... a soothing hand caressing my heart and soul........ bringing a quietness .. a much needed calm......

It all started when i mentioned to Sir that it would be nice to have my breasts bound and some needle play......... Now i had one picture in my head.. He on the other hand had a completely different picture... mine involved nice soft ropes and needles lovingly inserted... my lying at His feet enjoying the sensations....... Sir told me .. before dinner.. to fetch the leather lacing......... and He took great delight in winding the lacing around and around each breast - tight !!! Now if you have never had leather lacings used to bind your breasts - or for that matter any part of your body - trust me when i say they bite... absolutely BITE into the skin......... almost 3 hours later i was begging Sir to remove the bindings....... my breasts were sore.. aching.. and the removing of the bindings hurt almost more than the enduring of them........ but it was the beginning of the healing process.........

After dinner Sir was relaxing on the sofa when He mentioned the candle i had bought at Venus Envy. It was advertised as being especially designed and made for wax play... "create pretty patterns with this deluxe waxing candle" Sir raised His eyebrows at the price ($6.00 - a far cry from the dollar store candles we usually use) but i fluttered my eyelashes and asked ohhh so nicely so Sir gave me permission to purchase it. It was time to test out the new product !!! As i gathered the plastic sheet and laid it over the carpet, brought the candle and a lighter, i couldn't help but wonder what i had gotten myself into........ After a few false starts (the candle kept going out) i had the most amazing !!! waxing session ever. This candle didn't drip per say..... it poured - literally poured - hot wax over my body........ thick hot wax. It made beautiful molds of various parts of my body. The knife slid under it and lifted it away from my body and oh lordie how it felt like Sir was actually peeling layers of my skin away!!! And the healing calming process continued........

When i was totally cleaned up from the wax .. i softly asked Sir if He would do some needle play....... i laid quietly on my pillow at His feet as He lovingly put needle after needle into my ass. Stopping from time to time to run His cool fingers between them .. around them.. up and down my ass..... i could feel the muscles contracting and almost vibrating........ then Sir used the point of the knife to draw patterns between the needles....... and i drifted off to that wonderful soft comfy space where there is no noise.. no babbling voices.. only soft colours and peace and quiet.......

a healing happened behind locked doors........

Friday, September 16, 2005

People - itis

i am suffering from people-itis today. People and all their excess baggage... People and their compelling need to feel important.... People and their need to complicate simple things.......... People and their need to be powerful.... People and their need to be right.....

i have this compelling urge to close the curtains.. lock the doors and tell the world to go away ......... Sir and i will re-emerge when they all go away.

All week people have been talking to me.. making noises... asking for forms.. for information.. for facts and figures... complicating simple get togethers...... complicating the passing along of information... flip flopping on practicalities..... talking..arguing.. complaining.. blah blah blah making noises..

Today when i got home and finished reading my emails (more voices babbling) i wanted to put my hands over my ears like a 4 year old and tell them all to just go away !!!
Yup.. i am most definitely suffering from "people - itis".........

i'll come out when they all go away.......

Thursday, September 15, 2005

on being obsessed

i have come to love writing in my blog........ not just about being submissive and my life with Sir.. but about all the little things that touch my life.

i read lots and lots of blogs during a week........ i have favourites (as do many of you) ... i got hooked on one blog that for a long time discussed mostly the S/m part of their relationship....... i got hooked on another that talked about the D/s in their relationship....... and yet another that discussed both .. the D/s and the S/m... i even stumbled across a vanilla blog that discusses life on Block Island...... AND it makes me sad when my favourite blogs disappear... no entries for days or weeks at a time.. sometimes i even drop them a little email asking if everything is ok....... (like i could do anything if things weren't ok!!???) sighhhhhhhhhhh

Someone posted in their blog after a lengthy absence that they hadn't had any good things to write about.. that life sucks sometimes.... and they didn't think anyone would be interested in that......... that made me stop and think......... i write about the good and the bad stuff in my life.. my struggles with the clown at work.. with health issues.. with being a brat some days with Sir .. as well as the fun times.....the floggings.. the needle play.. the serving... and i have to admit i seldom think about the people who will read what i am writing.... or if they will become bored with it....... this blog is NOT a fairy tale.. it is a real life story about my life with Sir. It comes with the all the warts and scars of life as well as the fun entertaining times.

Whatever happens - good or bad - i hope i can keep the words spilling out into this blog..... if nothing else it is very cathartic for me......... and yeah ok.. maybe i am just a little obsessed.............

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Turning over a new leaf

i have been struggling for a few weeks now with some major changes to my life - much needed changes. But it is so easy - isn't it - to stay safe within the life one is used to living??

A little over a year ago i was told i had some serious health issues i had to deal with.. they have taken pretty much all my attention and patience....BUT for the last 3 months they seem to be under control - being managed........ so it was time to take a serious look at the rest of my life style and make some further changes.......

i have been .. how shall i put it.. accepting that i am getting older.. that old "war wounds" are just something one must live with......... BUT the more i just lived with these irritants.. the worse they became... and the worse my mood has become.... A dear friend Cloud has taken on 2 submissives to train...... and the training has included an exercise routine. i have been reading their blogs:ling’s blog and pup’s blog and became inspired (i guess is the right word) to take back my body from the gremlins who seem to have taken possession of it . In a conversation with Cloud and Sir, Cloud agreed to get ling to send off the exercise routine. And He and Sir decided that Cloud will visit on Thursday and coach me on the routine.

For the last two days i have been sweating and working at doing this routine. It has not been easy after all these years to convince my ole bod that it can really do this !!! But i am plugging along .. doing the best i can.. with what i have to work with.. sigh.. (old body)
Also Sir and i discussed my growing exhaustion..... and it was decided that the pc would be turned off around 9 p.m. each evening.. a nice hot bath and bed would be in order.. more sleep is a wonderful thing !!! As well i have decided to watch what foods i eat. Not diet!!! i personally HATE that word.. just watch what foods i eat.. eat a little less.. exercise a little more.. just take back my body!!!

TA DA! i am turning over a new leaf........

Tuesday, September 13, 2005


Sir gives me tasks from time to time to work on while He is away from the condo. Most of the time i love being given tasks, it helps me feel connected to Sir and helps me stay focused on what is important.... Some times the tasks are straight forward and simple to complete... other times i miss the mark and have to re-do them.....

That was the case with my last task.. to catalogue the "toys". Now actually Sir didn't put it that way....... He told me to "take pictures of the toys" so that He had a record. i thought i understood the need for this task.. Our toy chest has grown rather large over the past few years........ AND we now have downstairs and upstairs toys. AND now when we go to a play party or to camp and i am told to pack the toys, it is next to impossible to pack ALL the toys. How many toys do we have .. you ask?? Neither Sir nor i had any idea.... But trust me when i say i could not pack all the toys for a play party...... mostly because it would be a waste of time.. There is no way Sir would manage to use them all in an evening, nor would they all appeal to His mood. Therefore .. take pictures.

i thought i did a good job on Sunday afternoon.. lining up all like minded toys and photographing them.... all the floggers together.. all the "hard" toys together.. all the canes and then all the paddles.....But that was not what Sir had had in mind. He wanted each toy photographed separately and numbered so that it is easy for Him to give me a packing list - pack #'s 9 17 18 20 24 27 and 30. Also i realized as i laboured over this photographing task yesterday afternoon.... that now there is no wiggle room for this lil subbie.

In the past Sir would say pack a couple of floggers, a tawse, the whip.. a crop .. etc.. and i would stand in front of the toy wall (i have the toys all neatly hung, decorating a wall in the play room) and chose the toys i like best, within the parameters of Sir's directions. Even with the really OUCH toys there are ones i prefer over others. And so each toy bag that left the condo would hold my favourite toys... never ever any of the truly hated toys.

The thing that surprised me the most....... was the sheer number of toys we have collected over the years. We have a grand total of 30 toys ........ and that is not including the knife (which i forgot to photograph) or the needles or the candles. (do needles and candles count?? ) And the other interesting thing for me was that about half the toys are mine.. toys i have made .. or gifts that have been given.. or ones i just had to have and bought. If the day ever comes that the toys must be separated as Sir and i go our separate ways, my toy wall will not be as bare as i once thought it might be.......

But this cataloguing has begged the question - "how many toys does one need?" Is this another version of the old saying "he who dies with the most toys wins?" But there is always that one toy that is just a wee bit different.... a wee bit prettier.. a wee bit more wicked .................... too many toys???? Nah.... just the right number i think !!!

Sunday, September 11, 2005

self flageliation

Yesterday Cloud made a tongue in cheek comment while we were all standing outside a Bible book store about doing some flageliation. We all laughed at the thought.... and moved on. But those words stayed imbedded in my lil subbie brain. This morning i have been trying to sort out some 'bad' feelings i am dealing with... and i realized.. EUREKA!! i am doing self flageliation - making myself hurt.

Oh i am not using floggers or whips .. i am using thoughts......... and boy oh boy! they hurt much more than any flogger or whip could. IF my Sir didn't have time for me.. didn't spoil me.. didn't take such good care of me.. i might have a good reason for this "self flagelation" - problem is He takes excellent care of me. So why oh why am i falling into this trap - hurting myself.. and in the long run hurting my Sir ???

If there are problems with me.. i am the one responsible for them... me and only me... if there are solutions to the problems i must find them and make them work.... i have no one to blame for these feelings only me....... i can't turn back the clock.. i can't be 20 again...... but i can be the best damn 50 something i can be........... it is time to put the self flagelation away .. time to make some changes.... time to get off my ass and make myself the person i want to be...... no one to blame but myself.........

Saturday, September 10, 2005


i rarely post pictures of myself......... Sir does enough of that for both of U/us i guess.
As a child /young person i hated pictures books... i wanted to create my own pictures of what someone looked like.. or what a scene looked like... it kinda spoiled my fun to have the pictures neatly displaying the author's view of things...... When i DO post pictures on my blog most often they are pretty abstract depictions of my mind's image. i hope i leave enough room for your imagination to take what i offer and run with it........

However this morning i was thinking of pictures that i get in my head during sessions... yesterday Sir had announced i would be having a session at 9pm......... now that may not sound terribly late to most of you...... but to this "old" lady who wakes each morning around 5 and flops into bed most nights by 10....... 9 sounded VERY late.. i dragged my feet going downstairs.. literally and figuratively... all i could think was i am sooo tired... gimme a break!! But then Sir was not in any mind set to give this lil subbie a break......... after all.. Friday night 9 o'clock in the play room might be the only time this entire weekend that Sir gets a chance to beat this ass..........

As the first flogger started whooooshing through the air, the pictures were vivid in my mind's eye............ i could see myself hanging from the cross with my arms stretched high above me - my body was fast cooling off.. getting chilly .. developing goosebumps.. the air currents created by the flogger felt like Artic winds blowing across my naked skin..i could see myself shivering .. i could see myself - not in the playroom - but strung between two trees on some snowy icy landscape.....

change of toy - change of picture ........ this one brings on images of hundreds and hundreds of bees stinging my ass.. over and over again... i dance from one foot to the other trying to chase the stinging away.....wanting to feel a cool hand soothing the itching burning stinging feelings from my body........

another change of toy.. this time the whip....... at first Sir teased me it.... barely flicking across the skin of my ass and back.. barely kissing my body....... my pictures evaporated completely and i turned to look at Sir wondering what He was up to.. then the flick of the whip came closer .. taking wee small bites out of my body....... then it became a whirling derbish of pain that ran from the tops of my thighs to the top of my body...... my mind saw it as though it were whirling around me... completely encircling me in pain........

the crop followed... and i could see the welts rising with each hit..... scarlet red welts against white skin....... burning hot.. more and more welts till they all melted into to one large red welt across my ass........

then Helmuts toy from hell and now i could see the skin breaking, bits flicking off... blood slowly oozing down my legs..

and finally the hard wooden paddle......... this was the final curtain on the pictures/movie that had been playing in my mind eye's for almost an hour............ hard cold wooden paddle placed firmly across my ass .. telegraphing where to expect the hit.. hard fast and making me dance an Irish jig under the cross..... and soon sobs.. heart wrenching sobs.......... tears streaming down my face leaving rivers of mascara down my cheeks ......... NOW my Sirs arms warmly wrapped around me.. holding me safe.. His scent making its way through the fog wrapping itself around my mind holding it tight to Him as well....

and the picture show ends...........

Wednesday, September 07, 2005


S.A.M. is a smart assed masochist. Something i always swore i wouldn't become. Today i am wondering ... am i turning into a SAM???

My ass itches.. literally.. for a flogging... it nearly drove me nuts today at work...from time to time i could almost feel the stripe of the cane or the fall of the flogger..... and i would wiggle and wiggle on my chair. Yesterday i said that sometimes my need just kinda spills over - when that happens i usually feel restless or irritable or vaguely uneasy. i most definitely have difficulty focusing on the job at hand.... tend to clock watch a whole lot more than usual .. and calendar watch .. waiting for Friday.

But this is the worst it has been in a long long time. Sir assigned two tasks this week...... and for the life of me i can NOT remember what they were. He sent me an email saying "TASKS?" and i stared blankly at the screen. i could hear Sir saying "write things down!!" and my mind wandered to His writing my tasks on my body so that i wouldn't forget them........ (remnants from Saturday's humiliation workshop??) My mind is all over the place.. hopping between jobs for my business that need to get done.. jobs that need to be completed at my "real" job..... housework that is piling up at home.. and now tasks??!!

i can only hope that some great Dom in the sky will reach down and clear the fog that clutters my brain and reveals what tasks i am supposed to be doing.. BEFORE i get the rep of turning into a S.A.M.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

emotional storm

i am tired tonite... so very very tired....and feeling just a tad emotional. Once upon a time i could blame the emotional crap on "that time of the month" but i haven't had a "that time of the month" for a couple of years now..... No i believe i have had some emotional buttons pushed ... and i am feeling shakey and just a tad emotional.

To start it was a busy weekend.. the workshops on Saturday.. coffee with friends for a good part of Sunday afternoon.. and entertaining a 'guest' for dinner on Monday. Not a whole lot of time to squeeze in any play.. though to be honest Sir did do a wax session, and another paddling marathon (not an hour but still a good long time)......... yet i feel a little under used. i have so much to offer it spills over sometimes and i am left feeling vaguely uneasy.

To make matters worse, the 'guest' we entertained yesterday was an ex girlfriend of Sir's......... very "ex" .. years have passed.. they stayed friends..... she was in town.... and the stars were aligned just right .. and Sir invited her to dinner.

i am not sure anyone will understand my initial reaction to her. When she walked through the door with Sir... it was like i was struck by some force.. i felt a tightness in my chest and i realized she made me feel very uncomfortable. This has never happened to me before.. usually my first impressions involve feelings like "shyness" or " stuck up" or " fun" or "nope don't like"... but never before have i been hit with a feeling like this one. (and before anyone tries to second guess this feeling.. it had nothing to do with her being an "ex" .. i have met a few of Sir's ex's.. and have liked them). i spent the first part of her time here cooking dinner.. which gave me an excuse to flutter in and out and around. The discomfort i was feeling didn't really abate. Over dinner Sir initiated a discussion about BDSM.. C was receptive to the discussion especially since Sir had already shown her the playroom downstairs. But i felt fidgety.......... (Sir and i had discussed.... earlier in the day... the possible chance she might wish to view a session between Sir and i.... a flogging as He called it.) It didn't happen.......... actually when Sir suggested going downstairs to see the "toys" and to discuss the differences between them...... C said fine but "she" (pointing to me) can stay upstairs. My jaw hit the floor........... i couldn't believe that C would be that forward.. that bold.. that .. that .. that...??!!! Sir then back pedalled and suggested that i take C downstairs......... but the moment passed and no one went downstairs.

This evening over dinner Sir and i discussed C... and i know i am secure in being Sir's #1 subbie........ there is no contest....... yet i can't help wondering "what if " Sir had taken C downstairs"........... "what if" Sir had flogged C....... where would we all be tonite????

An emotional storm is raging inside me........

Monday, September 05, 2005

thanks BUT no thanks...

Saturday was an amazing learning experience for me.. First there was Midori's bondage workshop which kept me on the edge of my seat with heart pounding longing. (Now why couldn't i have been selected to volunteer for THAT workshop??) The way she manipulated those ropes...... wrapping .. binding.. teasing, arousing with them was a thing of beauty! She called it a "dance" and it truly was a dance !!! It wasn't a boring lesson of how to tie knots, how to make everything symmetrical, looking pretty... oh no.. it was about the sensual feel of the ropes, the sensual feel of command in HER bindings. This workshop could easily be called " the sensual dance of the ropes" It was an amazing thing of beauty!!!

We broke for supper and after supper was the humiliation workshop...... the one i was volunteered to be the victim for.. no wait.. i was volunteered to be the guinea pig for .. no no ... that's not it.. i was volunteered to be a "volunteer"!!! a Volunteer yeah!!! a volunteer!

When we arrived back at the club.. Midori approached me almost immediately and said to me .. "you don't fantasize about humiliation do you??" nope not at all.... Midori then very tactfully explained that she would not be able to use me during the workshop.. She needed someone who at least "fantasized" about it.

Was i disappointed ?? it had been one of my quandries last week.. if i wasn't selected would i be disappointed that i didn't get to experience humiliation first hand..... know what?? i wasn't the least bit disappointed. It did not take very long for me to realize just how much humiliation is a pretty scary form of edgeplay. Edgeplay for the mind, the psyche, and the entire self. i am a pretty grounded person ... and pretty adventuresome .. but humiliation play is most definitely NOT for me. For those that thrive on humiliation.. more power to ya !!!! but for me.. it is a definite "thanks BUT no thanks" form of play...............

My one and only regret really is that we didn't get to play afterwards.. or watch some friends of ours from south of the border play. i would have enjoyed that. But the heat in the club was unbearable, it was late, and so Sir and i quietly slipped away into the dark of the night.......

Thursday, September 01, 2005

on continuing education....

Sir and i are scheduled to attend two workshops by Midori this Saturday. i wanted to go to the evening workshop On Humiliation and Sir wanted to go to the afternoon one on Bondage.....sooooooo we are going to both AND a play party that will follow the evening workshop.

Earlier this week one of the organisers approached Sir and i via email asking if Sir would give permission for Midori to use me as a "volunteer" for the Humiliation workshop. Part of me desperately hoped Sir would agree.. the other part of me wanted to run screaming ...find a big hole.. climb in and pull the top down over me. Sir gave His permission. i have been flip flopping between being excited and terrified. i have NO idea what humiliation play is really...... which is why i wanted to take the ding dang workshop in the first place.

i have decided that this is not a 'fait accompli' just yet. Perhaps there are other volunteers .. more than enough volunteers... and Midori will decide She doesn't need all of us and i will be allowed to escape to the quiet subbie corner. BUT then will i be disappointed that i didn't get to experience humiliation??

i wonder IF i am one of the chosen few.... will i be able to handle humiliation?? i have nightmares of my strong side coming out and lambasting Midori .... or my weak side coming out and landing up in a puddle of tears.

Just like a kid getting ready to enter school for the first time i am excitedly nervous. But then maybe i will just get to sit in the good subbie corner and diligently take notes.......

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