We had a busy weekend! and nerve wracking ! This was my weekend to meet Sir Steve's 4 year old daughter.
And we had invited one of Sir Steve's couple friends for dinner on Saturday evening.......... I was cooking!
The meeting with daughter went well. I have the philosophy of treating small children much like I treat pets.... I don't throw myself at them and overwhelm them. I basically let them come to me. By Saturday afternoon daughter had decided I was "family" and I even got a warm hug.
I had thought we'd have something 'fun' for supper on Friday night so I told her I was making 'toad in a hole'.... she went 'ewwwwwwww' but gobbled it up and even tried raw cauliflower for me (it's best when dipped in lots of mayonnaise!!!)
Toad in the hole -- for those of you who don't know this British delicacy - is sausage cooked in yorkshire pudding in a square pan. I had had every intention of taking photos of ALL the meals I prepared this weekend -- but basically forgot. I did manage a picture of the leftover Toad in a hole though...........
Saturday evening I prepared seafood Fettucini with shrimp and crab. I was a wee bit nervous about getting everything ready at the same time and on the table hot -- but Sir Steve pitched right in in the kitchen cooking the fettucini to perfection and warming up the garlic bread.
Daughter's job was to call everyone to the table -- and once again the dinner was almost over by the time I remembered the camera........ (god nerves will do that to me!!)
homemade caesar salad
fettucini without the seafood -- I ate that first !! so basically just a boring plate of noodles........
For dessert I had made a pineapple cherry dessert with decadent whip cream......... now THAT I did take a picture of here at home under no pressure
dinner was declared a success !!!
AND there are plans to do another dinner party this coming weekend - I'll try to remember to take photos of more than the leftovers - PROMISE!
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Monday, February 27, 2017
It was a very long drive home yesterday...... I had barely pulled out of Sir Steve's driveway when the tears burned my eyes I missed him already.
I tell myself these feelings that swamp me are just silly school girl crush feelings........ and yet I know in my heart of hearts it is so much more. There is no logical explanation for the feelings we both have -- and yet we do.
And as much as I tell myself to be cautious -- to do the rational thing -- I am not going to. I have spent my whole life doing the rational thing......... I am happy now -- I am in love now ..... why would I want to slow down - why should I slow down!!!
And so this weekend we talked about my moving to live with him. For smart financial reasons that have nothing to do with fairy tale endings -- we will not live under the same roof -- but we will be neighbours. We will be able to flit between houses .... to have two homes filled with love and laughter.
(and as a small side note -- I will be 2 hours closer to both my daughters and the grandkids !)
Now begins the great adventure of finding a new home !
He wants me with him and that my dear friends is a very good thing!
Sunday, February 26, 2017
Friday, February 24, 2017
Thursday, February 23, 2017
LLF and I have basically kept our relationship -- well the seriousness of our relationship -- a secret. We kinda lived our love in the shadows.
Oh I talked about it here -- but I never used his name -- he has been my "long last friend". And some folks met him -- but still I introduced him as "my friend from Montreal".
This weekend we stepped out of the shadows into the glaring light of reality. And we walked out holding hands and danced with joy.
When I got home Monday night, LLF told me he wanted to change our status on Facebook to "in a relationship" ! Boy talk about taking a giant step forward. Yet I didn't have a moment's hesitation ......... "Yes!" I said "Do it"
So he changed his status to "in a relationship with____"
which automatically changed mine.
Then we went on FL and added the same information there "in a relationship with ______"
And it was official!
I don't think I have stopped smiling since........
Going with the theme of moving out of the shadows -- the alias "LLF" will no longer be used here on The Continued Journey.......
from now on I will use his name..........
(drum roll please)
Without further ado -- may I introduce the love of my life
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
It was almost dark in the room - the only light being the small table lamp on his side of the bed.
All the laughing/teasing/bratting was done for the day.
He sat up and moved over on top of me.
Taking his time -- changing positions -- going fast -- going slow -- teasing me with his cock -- then going as deeply as possible - then pushing in more taking one more inch of me. His eyes never left my face. There was no rush -- I felt it in my soul -- there was no rush -- this was his love pouring out of him into me -- giving me such pleasure.
No rush -- I could savor his cock inside me -- I took time to feel the ridges -- the pulsing -- feel it banging against me -- almost painful -- but not - just pure pleasure.
I whispered to him "I can't wait anymore" (I wasn't begging -- I wasn't asking permission -- I was simply stating a fact) and he whispered back "then don't hold it" and I didn't. Not that time -- or the times after that.
He would stop between - rest inside me -- tickle me -- and my eyes would widen from the sensations and then he would start again ..... and my body moved in complete unison with his.
Sometime much later -- when we were finished -- he gently rolled onto his side -- sorting out my legs, my arms softly -- gently -- I felt like a china doll -- not fragile just so precious.
He pulled me in close to him - arms wrapped around me tightly and sleep came ........
But not before I realized this -- THIS -- was making love and I smiled as sleep closed my eyes.
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
After 8 years LLF and I have been reconnecting or as I like to say 'pushing the reset' button.
This weekend was a big RESET .........
LLF runs a BDSM group in Montreal -- something he had let slip over the last -- 4 years I guess it has been. LLF has been saying he wanted to get back into the lifestyle -- but slowly ..... dipping his toe in and testing the waters.
On Saturday he took 2 big steps towards wading back in.
First he held a munch on Saturday noon. He was excited about the prospect of the munch -- as well as a little nervous I think. I was nervous too...... it has been 4 years since I saw any of these people....... and they don't know about the changes in LLF's life and in mine. I wondered how they would react .........
Neither of us needed to be worried .... new folks showed up and old friends. Our old friends seemed pleased to see us back together ... and happy. One of the girls said to me (she reads my blog) "it really is like a fairy tale"
It went well -- very well ! and LLF is already planning the next munch for the end of March.
After the munch we went out for dinner with friends ..... and then we were off to a play party.
LLF had talked to me awhile back about his concerns about playing -- about putting his cover on again -- worrying what would happen. His Sadistic side was worrying him..... would it come out?? would he control it?? I told him then it didn't matter to me what happened -- I would hold his hand and we would work our way through the maze of emotions together, side by side.
We got to the party and oh my!! The people that came to talk to us -- to welcome us back -- to say how glad they were to see us there -- to see us there together. The gentleman that organised the party knew us both from way back when ...... I had dropped him an email rsvping for the party and told him who my "Sir" was now. (to avoid any confusion when he saw me) He was at the door just like he was in the old days --- greeting people. He was chatting with the couple in front of LLF and myself and he glanced over their shoulders and spotted me -- the smile on his face was so reassuring. He announced "morningstar!!! and your SirS -- good to see you both after this long time". And it felt like we'd come home.
We spent the longest time wandering around this huge overly crowded -- very noisy play space. We greeted friends at every turn it seemed. Inside I was fussing a little bit -- it wouldn't be me if I wasn't fussing over something!! My mind was on the play to come ..... where would we play ?? I kept looking for equipment that would please LLF -- and for space to play.........
Finally we settled on a cross -- there were crowds of people surrounding it ...... but LLF strikes quite an imposing persona in his full leathers with his cover on. As he strode into the crowd -- it parted automatically and people turned to stare at us. He put the toy bag down and pulled out the collar. I went to him and our ritual from 8 years ago was renewed. I turned and he put the leather collar around my neck -- fastening it tight. He pulled out the cuffs and clips and fastened me to the cross. I took a deep breath ..... I tried to "go there" in my head -- but I couldn't take my eyes off LLF. Finally he stood behind me and put his hand on my back -- and I knew it was time to push the final reset button.
At first I could feel his tentativeness -- and I kept whispering in my heart -- "find your rhythm LLF - find your rhythm"
And then it happened -- the curtain fell away and it was 8 years ago -- and his hands were spanking -- and then the paddle was hitting -- each toy had it's turn..... I thought I was going to cry -- it honestly felt so right -- I was home where I belonged -- under the hands of the one man I totally I trusted ....... and loved.
He pulled the knife out -- and I felt it tracing patterns over my body -- I was also vaguely aware of the quiet that had settled over the crowd around us. And then I was gone -- dancing with my fairies -- I thought they were gone forever -- but it turns out they were just waiting for me to find my way back.
Later much later I asked LLF how it felt for him...... and the word he used was "freeing". I smiled cause I knew what he meant -- there were no restrictions on our play ..... it was OUR time together. There were small surprises for me - the overly large round handle of the flogger thrust between my legs -- tight up against my clit -- for me to rock against -- his hands finding their way around my throat ....... tightening feeling the euphoria that I have never experienced before........
Yes it was a play time for the books! One that will not soon be forgotten - and hopefully will be relived over and over again at other parties.
I am so very glad we picked the "yes" button on the "do you want to restart" question...... a better decision has never been made !
Monday, February 20, 2017
Saturday, February 18, 2017
After 10 days of not seeing LLF I was on a slow simmer....
Yesterday I left mid afternoon and now I am with LLF -- the slow simmer is settling down......
Now I am more like Tigger........ bouncing all over ...
We are leaving mid morning for Montreal -- to go to a munch that LLF organises and then tonite to a play party. Our first party together in over 8 years!! (bouncy bouncy)
AND the best thing -- we get an extra day together -- Monday is a holiday here in Ontario.......
I should have lots to talk about come Tuesday -- but will leave you all something for tomorrow and Monday
Play nice while I am away ......I'll see you all on Tuesday
Friday, February 17, 2017
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Over the many years I have been on this earth -- I have learned many lessons -- some of them I have been 'unlearning'.
One of the things I learned was everything in life is conditional. Lord the list is endless !!
*I would be pretty when ________(everything from 'when your teeth are straightened" to "if you lose weight")
*I would be loveable when __________ (everything from "when you behave like a lady" to "when you lose weight" -- that was a favourite!)
*I would be a good submissive when _______(this list is endless -- from learning to be invisible -- to remembering and following the rules -- not talking back and on and on)
And so I came to believe that I was not pretty -- not loveable and definitely not a good submissive.
I keep worrying that I am going to be too much of a handful for LLF -- too high maintenance -- that I come with too much baggage. It has nearly made me sick to my stomach......... because obviously no one in the last 18 months of being on my own has wanted to deal with my 'baggage' right?? cause they all move on -- or I move on before they can ...........
BUT the really weird thing is with LLF I haven't tried to hide my worries or my insecurities or my 'baggage'. Maybe my subconscious was 'testing' him?? I am not sure.
The other night we were chatting and he asked me "why do you love me?" it was kind of a cheeky question -- but I think it was partially an honest question. I said "who can explain why love happens -- it just happens....... there is no explanation"
And then I repeated the question to him -- I said "why do you love me -- with all my baggage -- all my insecurities"
and he answered by saying " like you weren't before"
That made me sit up and pay attention........ he did know me before -- and still he came back for me -- he pushed the reset button knowing what he did about me. He loves me as I am - - no conditions......
And that is truly a wonderful thing !!
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Your body can get used to anything - I know! and it can accept anything as normal. Like my absence of hunger -- at first I felt hungry -- I am human after all -- but I chose to ignore those feelings.... that empty ache in my gut. Soon those feelings were integrated in with all the other feelings one has in a day.... they didn't indicate hunger anymore -- they were just another common sensation.
My body craved human touch (not just in the last year or so -- but for a very long time). At first I would ask for a hug -- or a beating -- just so I could feel human touch. But like with the hunger -- I learned to ignore the feelings -- to chalk them up to some generic feeling. Not important.
The first time that LLF took my hand -- the first time LLF put his arm around me just to hold me close -- was like shock treatment. It dragged the 'generic' feelings out of hiding and put a name to them. Human touch -- I craved it....... and like someone starving I gobbled up every single touch...... reaching out and touching him -- gorging myself.
The very best touch of all is when I crawl into bed beside him - naked - and feel his whole body pressed against mine -- like two puzzle pieces that were meant to fit together.
Touch has become as necessary to me as breathing...
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Monday, February 13, 2017
I have had night terrors since I was 4 years old. Monsters who hid in the cupboard or slithered out from under my bed and would drive me from my bed.
They got worse as I got older.... one particularly bad one had me trying to climb out the bedroom window ... my dear husband had to wrestle me back into the bedroom and try and calm me.
My night terrors have ebbed and flowed with my life. Sometimes I hardly notice them - other times they drive me from my bed -- making me turn on all the lights in the house -- turn on the TV -- and sit huddled on the sofa till the 'realness' of the terror passes.
I have been on medication for the last 10+ years to help keep my night terrors at bay. My fitbit tracks them...... I can tell in the morning when I have had a bad night -- the spikes on my sleep chart are undeniable.
For the last year I have watched the spikes get higher and more frequent. The doctor wanted to be pro-active and prescribe a new med to keep them at bay. But I am a stubborn bitch and refused. Night terrors are (in my case) memories of things that happened to the inner me... the me I keep hidden even from myself sometimes.
Night terrors for me are my sub conscious talking to my semi- conscious mind. I want to know -- no I NEED to know - what still haunts me.
On Saturday night -- after a perfectly lovely day with friends and homemade onion soup -- and laughter and chatting I had a bad one. People had taken my apartment -- I couldn't get in to my safe place -- I couldn't get in! I was running through the hallways of the building trying to find the supers to help me...... It was very real.
I woke up and found myself at the door trying to open it. (thankfully for some reason I can not open locks when I am in the middle of a terror).
It was a terrible shock to my system -- in so many ways. I walked around the apartment reassuring myself it was mine ... all my things were here... there were no strangers living in my safe space. I turned on all the lights and turned the TV on. I pulled a blanket around me and sat and shivered and cried.
In the morning LLF called me -- he talked to me about all the good things that are coming -- he promised me a future....... he talked -- I listened and cried -- and started to feel the peace come back to my soul. My happy bubble .... I am so scared it will pop...... ya know?
This song was playing after I hung up from LLF ... it gave me hope that the future will bring me comfort in the arms of my 'angel'.
Sunday, February 12, 2017
Saturday, February 11, 2017
I am off today to pick up angelsquest and head west to visit some friends for lunch.
I made some of my infamous Quebecois onion soup (there's nothing to compare to it here in Ontario -- at least not that I've found) ...... our friends are gonna be the final judge on how good the 'real' stuff is.
We'll have a nice visit then home ...... to an empty house and an empty chat program. LLF is going east to catch up with some friends and spend the weekend.
It's going to be a long weekend -- but I am gonna hold on to thoughts for next weekend.......LLF and I are gonna to a munch in Montreal and catch up with some old friends -- and then to a play party in the evening.
Yup gonna hang on to those thoughts to get me through this weekend ............
Friday, February 10, 2017
Yesterday really was a terrible awful no good day!
I have been missing LLF bad this week -- and we're not seeing each other this weekend.
So yesterday I decided that sitting around missing him wasn't gonna cut it anymore. Get busy I told myself.
So I dragged out the ladder and the bucket and the cleaning solutions. Pulled the furniture out of the living room and decided to wash the walls -- wash the floors -- vacuum the furniture - in other words start spring cleaning. Keeping busy would take my mind off how long 10 days really are.........
In the moving of the furniture I forgot the vase filled with river rocks..........
on the bright side I didn't have to clean the vase or wash the river rocks.
I got the living room done by mid afternoon -- the dining room was kinda staring at me (it is just off the living room and shares a common wall) I thought to myself 'tomorrow' I was tired ...... (never mind the physical work -- but it's been days since I had a full night's sleep)
BUT -- the dining room kept calling my name. So I decided to clean out the china cabinet -- wash all the glasses and crystal -- polish the mirrored back and wash the glass shelving.
I got the first half done and was putting the shelf back in when -- I have no idea what happened -- but the middle shelf on the other side came crashing down.......
If I wasn't so shocked I would have sat down and cried. I managed to get everything out and survey the damage -- broken brackets -- broken shelf -- broken figurines and chipped crystal.
I gave up and cried. and cried. and cried.
Then LLF came on line and I sat down to tell him my news when I realized I was bleeding all over the keyboard... on top of everything else I managed to slice my finger and my hand on the broken .... whatever -- I have no idea what I cut myself on.
And I started crying again. I felt like I couldn't win for trying.
Some days are terrible awful no good days....... and yesterday was one of them.
Thursday, February 09, 2017
Sometimes -- inside me -- there is a beast.
A beast who wants to submit to your will -- your primal needs.
A beast who wants to surrender completely to you...
I won't break -- I promise
Take me ..... reach deep inside me and bring out the masochist that has been buried for such a long time.
I won't break -- I promise
Wrap your hands in my hair
I won't break -- I promise
I won't break -- I promise
Put your hands around my neck
I won't break -- I promise
I won't break -- I promise
I need you -- have waited for you for such a long time
I won't break -- I promise.
Wednesday, February 08, 2017
The other day I was told that W had posted a pic of me from 3 years ago on Facebook -- and I had a knee jerk reaction.
First off 3 years ago I was 70 pounds heavier -- longish hair -- and low self-esteem and confidence. I don't want to be remembered -- OR seen -- like that anymore.
I ran the whole gamut of emotions -- from fear to embarrassment to anger. Over a year ago I told him to take all *MY* photos on Fetlife down - they no longer belonged to him -- *I* no longer belonged to him. And yet on facebook he is still posting pics of me??!!!
It's a little creepy ya know??? WHY is he still posting pics of me?? What is the reason?? Why won't he let go of me???
I realized he is pushing my emotional triggers. The important word in that sentence is *MY* emotional triggers. I am letting him do it to me. It is time to take back my power. It is time to turn off his control over MY emotional triggers.
The woman in that picture no longer exists. There is a new much improved version of her now..... and she doesn't belong to him anymore -- she has given her heart to someone who appreciates and loves her in a way he never could. And she is happier than he ever made her.
Tuesday, February 07, 2017
I honestly didn't believe I would miss LLF as much as I do....
At the beginning I would think how lucky I was to have him in my life -- to see him regularly for the whole weekend.... to sleep with his arm wrapped around my body holding me close -- making me feel safe and loved.
At first when he left I knew he would be back and that was enough -- there would be hours and days to spend together -- to fill up my heart with him to last me until the next time.
At first it wasn't hard to say good-bye.
And then it was hard......... it made my heart hurt... it made my eyes fill with tears.... it made the days between our visits stretch endlessly -- empty and cold.
The hardest part is watching him leave...........
Monday, February 06, 2017
Well -- LLF and I had our first attempt at melding the families.
Anyone who says it's easy to combine families needs to share their secret with us.
LLF got a sitter for one of his kids for the weekend -- but the other one came with him......... I didn't exactly prepare my lil one for her arrival. Hind sight says I might have done a better job preparing her for the arrival of her "step sister".
LLF arrived with arms full and kid anxious to explore. I helped get everything to the apartment and we all kinda of fell in the door -- noisy and disruptive.
My dear Missy was NOT impressed with the noise or her new step sister
However step sister was much more accepting and behaved herself beautifully all weekend long
keeping her distance but trying so very hard to convince Missy to come and play.
Missy however spent the weekend -- hiding behind the television set and refusing to be polite -- only hissing and spitting at poor lil step sister.
It was a mildly amusing weekend ........... and with time I am sure Missy will learn to at least tolerate her step sister!
Saturday, February 04, 2017
During the Fairy Tale entries -- I talked about how LLF would say "I promise" and how I would react to the word 'promise'.
When LLF says he's coming to spend the weekend -- I hold my breath -- cause anything could happen - out of his control -- that could cancel our weekend together.
A couple of weeks ago he had just arrived when his lil daughter called and said she wanted to go home. My heart dropped. BUT his daughter comes first! I heard him tell her he couldn't come that night -- but if she still wanted to go home he would come and get her the next morning. Then he got on the computer and found a favourite aunt who would go and spend the next day with her. He told her he had made a commitment for Saturday and wanted to keep it. I couldn't believe what he was doing...... he was trying with every ounce of his being to keep his promise to me! The aunt went and visited ..... and we got to spend the weekend together.
We have a big weekend planned this weekend. We have been looking forward to it all week. On Thursday night he told me the 'mom' had called and said she might not be able to take the daughter as she didn't feel well.
I sat quietly and took a couple of big breaths....... and realized it wasn't the end of the world -- shit happens -- and there are still many more weekends to come.......
BUT -- about 10 minutes later he told me he had babysitting covered if 'mom' did back out. I couldn't believe it. He had moved heaven and earth to keep his promise. He will bring the dog (I can't wait to see how Missy handles having a black lab house guest for the weekend) and we will get to do everything we planned!
He is one of the few men I have met who 1) actually makes promises and 2) actually keeps them.
He is a man with good intentions AND good character.
I am a very lucky lady.
We have been honest with the lil one about what I am going through and she has been amazing........like last week I wanted to dust the liv...
BUT be warned this post might be the things nightmares are made from......... So I have finished this round of radiation...... and if I co...