Monday, November 29, 2010


It is no secret I have an account on FetLife - who doesn't these days. It is no secret I rarely if ever enter into any discussions there. It is no secret that I use Fetlife mostly to find out what events are happening when and to politely rsvp.

My profile on Fetlife now reads:

"For those of you interested.. I am "disappearing" for a little while from the lifestyle - until my health issues are resolved.

Play fair.. play nice.."

seems fairly straight forward to me .. isn't it??

Well........... today I received an email from some dom (and I use the term loosely) that said "are you owned" Nothing else .. no howdy do.. pleased to meet you.. kiss my ass.. just "are you owned".

Being the cheeky sub that I am.. with little or no patience for "players" I answered back "No are you?"

Would you believe I got an answer back almost immediately that went on and on ad nauseum about how he was looking for the "right one" the one who would worship and adore him (that last bit were my words)

Now in my humble cheeky sub opinion - IF he was really dom - my answer should have angered him slightly... should have gotten some sort of rise out of him.. not some pleading spineless answer that I received. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF! I can not tolerate fools.

So I wrote back and suggested that he do two things before he sends out mass mailings to anything claiming to be submissive : 1) check where they live (as he is in Texas and ...... well we all know I am in the Great White North) and 2) that he read profiles.

Truthfully I couldn't have been more blunt and to the point........ verging on being rude to be honest.

This 'dominant' from Texas earns my "dunce cap" award.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

On being an Expert

Thursday and Friday were "convention" days here in the Great White North. Teacher's convention that is.

I used to love convention.......not so much recently. We get to sit and listen to "experts" talk to us about any number of subjects. Mostly our union brings in inspirational speakers - with the hope we will get all inspired and leave feeling we can conquer the world !!

Friday wasn't much different. The expert they brought in was some judge from Canadian Idol. wow I was feeling impressed and inspired right from the start. (said tongue in cheek - in case you don't realize it)

The one thing he said - through the entire 1+ hour he talked .. was that it takes 10,000 hours to be an expert on anything. 10,000 hours !!! Wow I was speechless. 10,000 hours !!!

I did some math (I hate math!! but it comes in helpful from time to time when I am debating an issue in my head)

10,000 hours equals 417 days. 417 days equals 1.42 years. Not so many. ahh but then one doesn't work on something for 24 hours a day....... so back to the math board. Let's say you work on something for 8 hours a day. That would equal 1250 days or 3.42 years.

So to be an "expert" with a flogger or a whip or knives or electrical units you must be "practicing" for 8 hours a day for 3.42 years. BUT if we are talking about BDSM it isn't very likely - what with all the other aspects of life that are involved in our lives that one could call themselves an expert after only 3.42 years.

And then I decided to define who/what is an expert in my mind. And I looked up how many years it takes to earn a PHD ....... know how many ? on average??? 8 years according to google (and if you can believe google) My sister in law will earn her PHD in 5+ years ...

I am not entirely sure what I have proven - or not proven for that matter - with this small math lesson. I originally thought it would give me support for my belief that there are way too many "experts" sprouting up in the BDSM lifestyle. Perhaps there really are so many "experts" .... if they spend 10,000 hours practicing their specific kink.

So perhaps I will eat crow.....


perhaps I will continue to be a little skeptical of all the "experts" that show up and disappear just as quickly, cause I never much liked math. Prefer my gut reaction ..... my instincts.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

On Dieting

For most of my adult life I have battled against weight.. that is not to say I was ever very small - not even as a child. And I have had numerous great successes with losing weight....... like the year my brother got married. I lost so much weight that my own mother didn't recognize me at the church !!

the weight always seemed to magically slip back on.

Last March during the emotional period I started to lose weight again - not planned - just nerves - but the weight started to come off - again. I decided to keep up losing - again. The difference was I wasn't in a hurry - and I never climbed on a scale. I did measure myself about once a month and watched the inches start to disappear. I kept myself busy and even exercised (with my new Wii)

Then September came and trying to fit exercising into my working schedule got to be next to impossible. Eventually the measuring tape stopped showing inches lost. Mind you it didn't show inches gained so I saw this 'plateau' as a success. I realized if I just kept at it eventually the inches would start to melt again.

Then at the end of October I got this gall bladder thing. Everything I ate made me nauseous.. or hurt. So I started eating differently. Because I had been through this once before I remembered bits and pieces of the "gall bladder" diet. If I didn't eat any spices, any fatty foods, any rich foods I would be able to cope. Then I saw my doctor and complained about the continual ache in my side. She set down the diet on paper. What I could eat. Cause the 'what I couldn't eat' was too long.

Now I have one piece of dry toast in the morning, with a tablespoon of jam. and yes I have one cup of coffee (even though it is FORBIDDEN but I cannot survive my day without one cup !!) For lunch I have a small bowl of chicken noodle - or chicken rice soup and water. For dinner I have a small chicken breast - no skin - no seasonings - broiled with a small bit of plain rice. As a treat I have one plain rice cake and a small tin of peaches.

That's it .. day in .. day out. For five weeks now.

Only sometimes I cheat...... Last weekend I had half a green salad - with oil dressing and felt like crap for two days. Or yesterday noon I craved Kraft dinner (a comfort food from my childhood) so I made some and had a small - small - serving and by dinner time felt like crap.

I have gone through periods of terrible cravings. I want barbecue ribs, Indian food, Chinese food, Thai food, hamburgers and french fries, sweets and more sweets and even MORE sweets.

Everyone is noticing how much weight I have lost. Most think I am dieting by choice and pat me on the back. My doctor has warned me that when I am fit and fine again - I have to be careful about starting back on normal food - as I will gain quickly.

Last night as I lay quietly on the sofa wishing I could feel like me again..... I was thinking about this diet and all the diets I have ever been on. And I realized something. Dieting after this should be easy. I can add spices and have red meat and the occasional sweet, and even Chinese and Thai and Indian food. In moderation. IF I can do this gall bladder diet for 5+ weeks I can do ANY diet.

And I was thinking how important food is to our "social" lives. We meet people for dinner at restaurants, we have people over for dinner. I was trying to think what Warren and I might do this weekend - and it all seemed to involve meal time and food. And truthfully I can't face cooking a normal meal for someone and a bland (should be tossed in the garbage) meal for myself. We talked about going to a movie and I thought I can't even have a handful of popcorn !!

I realized food has become too important a part of my life. I need to find other ways of socializing with people that doesn't involve copious amounts of food and perhaps even liquor.

I have a feeling that keeping this weight off.. and even losing more will be a whole lot easier now .......... now that I know my new diet can include seasonings and margarine and dairy (oh god do you have any idea how much I miss CHEESE!!??)

(and in case anyone is interested - I have dropped 2 jean sizes since last March. 2!!! oh yeah and at least that much in bra size - now that can be a bummer - though youngest daughter who is the expert on looking like you have a whole lot more than you really do - has promised to take me shopping for some "lifts")

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

On Being Nervous

There are times in our lives when being nervous is almost like excitement. We are heading off to a play party and we get nervous butterflies marching around in our stomachs......... but truth be told......... it is a good nervous.

We get nervous when we are going to meet someone new or a whole bunch of someones new - hoping we make a good impression - but truth be told it is a good nervousness.

Then there is the type of nervousness I am going through now. I have exactly 7 days till I see the surgeon. Nervous doesn't quite describe what I am feeling.

I am struggling with the thought that this - whatever THIS is - that I have been going through for the last 5 weeks isn't really gall bladder. It isn't like the first gall bladder attack I had. It doesn't sound like any sort of gall bladder attack that anyone else had.

I don't have sharp - feel like you are dying - pains. I have a dull ache - more like a toothache just under my right breast. I do have some nausea - but not much. I get the chills - or the sweats. I can have moments of being light headed - dizzy even (ok ok more dizzy than normal !!!) I do something and am exhausted, and can nap for hours. I am sleeping 8 - 9 hours a night and still needing more. I am cranky and restless and depressed. Most of the time I am weak as a kitten.

I have days where I can honestly forget I have anything wrong with me.. and then days and days where I can't shake the fear that it is more than gall bladder.

So I am nervous - and afraid - of going to see this surgeon. Afraid of going into the hospital - afraid of finding out I don't have gall bladder but something much more scary.

And yet - I can be rational - and in those moments I remember the ultra sound that showed gall stones .... I remember the blood tests that showed severely elevated white blood cell count that indicated infection.

But most of the time....... I am just plain nervous beyond words. I will be so glad when this is all over and then maybe I can rejoin my life..... rejoin the world .. and get on with living.

Monday, November 22, 2010

His Day

I can not believe that one year ago I got the long awaited phone call at 5 in the morning that my 3rd grandbaby was on the way.

Yesterday we celebrated the birthday ..,, and the lil guy got his own birthday cupcake .. all to himself!!! Best present he got I think.......

I have never seen any cake disappear so fast !!! I think he was worried someone would figure out he had it and take it away ........

Happy Birthday lil guy !!

Sunday, November 21, 2010


All my troubles seemed so far away .............

Today not so much.

Yesterday was like a normal day. I was so energized I almost forgot my problems. I was out of the house by 8 a.m. to get my snow tires put on.... (in a snow squall I might add) Then I headed off to THE toy store to buy a birthday present for the grandbaby who turns one this week .... and while I was there I bought all the other kids their Christmas presents.
Then on to Chapters where I didn't find what I was looking for......but I did find a wonderful book I have been thinking of buying for the grandkids "The Christmas Elf" - I hope to start a new Christmas tradition in our family.

Then I hopped over to another mall and bought 2 more Christmas presents... some Christmas decorations... and vroom I was off again to yet another mall where I got some money.... bought a birthday card for the soon to be birthday boy, bought some other odds and ends... and headed off to a restaurant for lunch.

I had chicken - with no spices - on pita - with lettuce and a touch .. just a touch ... of mild garlic sauce. and home I came to enjoy my feast. It was the best meal I have had in almost a month. AND I didn't have any pain and just a couple of twinges. YAY!!

Then I had a rest - I was pooped. But the rest was only an hour.. and then I did two loads of laundry .. found the outside Christmas decorations and even got them up.

Now THAT is more like a normal day for me.

Today however........ not so good.

My legs feel like rubber - every small thing I have to do feels like a major chore. I am sitting here snuggled under my blanket - in my pjs - with one of the cats playing nurse maid beside me.

In less than two hours I have to washed and dressed and in a party mood cause today is the BIG first bithday birthday party........... and granny HAS to be there.

Thankfully Warren is coming to pick me up.. and hopefully I can just settle into a big comfy chair at daughter's house and smile and nod at all the festivities. Hell I can't even have "coffee and cake" - our usual menu for family birthdays!!

BUT this isn't a pity party or a negative posting... I am having really good days.. and am even thinking in terms of Christmas celebrations..... the good days make the bad days seem not so bad .......... and I know very soon (hopefully) life will return to normal !!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

how to.......

First I have to thank you all for your patience with some of my weirder than usual posts (they have now disappeared). They were my hints to Warren re the munch last night.

He figured it out.. picked me up and we went and had some good fun with new and old friends. It was a mixed group - swingers and BDSMers .... sometimes mixing up the people you meet can be a good thing.. even enlightening.

But today I was thinking.. Warren and I are back to being good friends.. and we seem stalled there. Sorta like my weight loss (till the gall bladder mess anyway) I hit a plateau and didn't know how to kick start it again.

Friends is good - very good - don't get me wrong. But I wonder where we go from here.... I feel like I am teetering on the edge and don't know how to step forward.
Or if Warren even wants to step forward.

I guess once I am 100% and back on my feet - we will find a way to question what now.. and how to get there...

But for now I wish it was as easy as taking that one step forward.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


I was having a quiet evening... playing my silly games... when something spurred me to log on to Fetlife.

One thing lead to another and I discovered a group called "Elders". I read some of the discussions... and thought this might be a group I would be comfortable in .. at least for now.

One of the prerequistes is you should have been in the lifestyle for 20 years or so. That is - by the definition of the owner - what it takes to make you an elder. Well I fit that requirement easily.. hands down actually.

I spent ( some might think I wasted) a good part of the evening reading the discussions and leaving comments here and there and all over the group. (I feel for the owner of the group - he'll probably wonder who this mad woman is who can't shut up)

There were some interesting thought provoking discussions. Things that I have been asking myself a lot lately... like why there is so much drama in this lifestyle.. and no I do NOT believe it is just the newbies that cause the drama. I believe this drama has a whole lot to do with folks trying to find acceptance, make a niche for themselves, or battle for some form of leadership within the community.

Why do we spend so much time wanting to learn technique - without wanting to learn about trust, intimacy and connection. I don't much agree with the main poster.. I believe that technique should come first. I believe when we first find this kink we are so anxious to explore and try everything we don't stop long enough to think about intimacy or connection or even trust... that comes after our desires / fantasies have been experienced....... and we settle down to a more stable relationship with kink.

And finally there was the post on longevity.. and what secrets we have for staying in the lifestyle for 20+ years. That one confused me a little bit. I said what secret?? My love of kink is a part of WHO I am - it would be next to impossible to cut it from my life. Nor would I want to .. permanently that is. No more than I would want to amputate an arm or a leg. Kink is just a part of who I am .. part of my make up.. my being. my soul. Longevity has very little to do with it... and there sure ain't no secret about it either.

So who knows.. maybe this "Elders" group will give me fodder for posts here on The Journey.. at least until I get back on my feet and can start living it again.. rather than day dreaming about it.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Joy oh Joy

Well today I got to visit my family doctor for my bi-yearly look see. I had questions as long as your arm about my present state of un-health.

First off I have been on this "gall bladder diet" for over 3 weeks now... I am dying here.. it is easier and shorter to say what I can eat rather than what I can't. And today she added no coffee or tea to the list. NO COFFEE??? You have got to be kidding!!! If I go without coffee someone is gonna die.. honest to god..,someone is gonna die.

She has given me yet another set of pills to take.. I swear I have had more pills in the last 3 weeks than in my entire life ...... However she promised that these pills will kill the fungus that is apparently growing in my system. ewwwww fungus in my body??? I just taught my kiddies at school about fungus.. I can vouch for the fact it is gross !!!

She also told me that they will more than likely be able to do the surgery through my belly button - thank god!!! I have been worried because of the infection that they would have to do the surgery the old fashioned way. She believes that there is a good chance that it won't be that bad. However she did say because I have been waiting so long for the surgery that the recovery time will probably be longer than the usual 2 weeks.

On the plus side I have been fussing over how fatigued I have been. I have been napping like crazy and still sleeping 8 - 9 hours every night. That she explained is because I actually still have the infection - it is just controlled now. And my body is fighting - or trying to fight - the infection. Never mind the fact that I am living on soup and broiled chicken and rice. Not much energy food going in this old body of mine,

She suggested I might be better off going on sick leave now.. so that I can nap and rest and take care of myself until the surgery. BUT I really want to tough it out if I can. At least until I see the surgeon. IF my surgery can happen before Christmas then yeah I will work.. if however it can't be done that soon then I am gonna beg/plead for him to fill in the papers for insurance / sick leave until I am back on my feet. I see the surgeon on the 1st.. just a couple more weeks.

On a different note.. I am really trying to come up with an idea of how to tease Warren about which munch I want to go to this weekend. I have officially said I MIGHT go to both....... but now I have to come up with some plan or hints to lead Warren to the right one.. sort of like a treasure hunt..probably sounds silly to you.. but we thought it was kinda funny and definitely a challenge for me...

This blog is getting more and more vanilla as time goes on....... thankfully there are still some of you who don't seem to care :)

Monday, November 15, 2010


Well I scrubbed and vacuumed and dusted and polished and swept and even did laundry......... and at 4:30 Sunday I collapsed - exhausted but pleased. The house is ready!!! No Christmas decorations done.. though I did grab the Christmas runner for the dining room table and put it out.. my big effort for now.

It's not exactly the type of Monday Morning report that I used to put up....... but it is the best I can do for now.......

The interesting thing.. well at least to me... is that even though there are other types of play I could do.... things that don't involve my bending over and having my body jerked about with thuddy things... (which does hurt - hell just cleaning made my stomach hurt ) things like knives.. or needles..,. where I should / have to stay very still and just enjoy.,,,,,,, I have no interest. It's like that part of my life has just shrivelled up.

Ah well hopefully this too will pass.. until the desires come back I will sit back and enjoy my sparkling clean house.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sunday Morning

It's early Sunday morning....... and I have been flipping between angst and energy driven desire.

When I went looking for a picture of "sunday morning" I came across the above picture........ which made me think of a back and forth email exchange with Warren last evening. We were discussing the two munches coming up next Friday. He wanted to know which one I was going to.

My smart assed answer was which one are you going to??? (or something like that) From that it went to my teasing him he was stalking me.. but that it would be easy to find me....... cause one munch is wayyyyy downtown in a section of town that has little if any parking.... and the other one is right down the street with gobs of parking.

I said I would have to make the challenge a little more difficult (challenge of finding me ) cause I wouldn't want him thinking I was "easy". So.. "I'm easy like Sunday morning" seemed appropriate.

On Friday I had this image in my head........ of a clean house. I don't mean just clean.. I mean sparkling clean. So I worked my butt off yesterday..... tackling the main level. I washed windows, emptied the fireplace and polished it till it sparkles... I shampooed the sofa, washed the floors, dusted the walls and ceilings, and polished all the furniture.

My plan was to tackle the upstairs on Sunday. Polish and wash and shine and file. My plan was to have this house sparkling and ready for ....... well for whatever comes. My surgery is playing on my mind a lot these days. I have an appointment to see the surgeon on Dec. 1st. Christmas is just 24 days after that appointment. I am doing a whole lot of "what if's" and wanting to have all sorts of plans and counter-plans in place - just in case ........ and trust me when I say at 3 in the morning there are a whole mess of "just in cases".


I have been up for 2 hours sitting in my office surveying the mess and the filing and the dust webs, and the hair balls (gotta love long hair cats) ... picturing the mess of clothes that need to be sorted through - winter out - summer packed away - furniture that needs oiling - floors that need to be washed........ and the list goes on and on.............

But it feels more like an "easy like Sunday morning" morning.........

Maybe after my second cup of coffee the energy will return and the house will get finished......... and the plans will be on track .............

And maybe while I am cleaning I will come up with an excellent plan for the munches next Friday - so I don't land up being too easy!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Just a quickie

I have been thinking (stewing is probably more like it) about newbies that wander into the community claiming all sorts of experience. Claiming to be all sorts of things. Claiming to be uncollared and looking. Claiming to have strict personal rules they follow.

Then when I look a little deeper into what they say ..and what they do... I start to question............

Mainly I question are they who they claim to be.

Maybe I should be questioning why it matters to me............ but for some strange reason it does......... matter that is.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

On a Pedestal

We tend - as humans - to put all sorts of people on pedestals.... heroes, leaders, martyrs, anyone we look up to. It is - I think - human nature.

We do it even more in the BDSM lifestyle. Our "masters, sirs, dominants" are put on pedestals. They are all knowing, all seeing, "gods" (with a small g) They can do no wrong... and when they do..... the cheeky answer is "see rule #1 - the dominant is never wrong"

Unfortunately life does not allow anyone to remain on a pedestal for very long. Soon the pedestal turns to sand and starts to slide away. And the god (with a small g) is standing face to face with us - humble beings.

We are all human - with all the human foibles that goes along with the breed.

When we believe the hype - the small "g" status of masters, dominants, sirs, we are - in my humble opinion - setting everyone up for a big fall. and major disappointment.

That's what happened to me a little over 8 months ago.... my "god" on a pedestal crumbled - in my eyes. And I got angry- which is not logical really - not if you really REALLY think about it. He is not a god with a small "g". He was/ IS but a man.

I realize now some of the things that scared me and disillusioned me back then.. still have some hold over me. I am still jealous when he is with someone else... but now I realize that is who he is....... and I can be with someone else as well... if the mood strikes. I realize that the things that irked me will always irk me because those things are part of who he is.

And I have been asking myself how he .. or any one actually ... could dominant me - as I will eventually see their faults and follies. I am coming to realize that (and this is totally and completely MY opinion) no one person can actually dominant another 24/7 365 days of the year. We all have off days. We all have days when our pedestal crumbles.

I have been watching as one dominant character after another crumbles from the pedestal that we put them on. I am watching as one submissive or another cries "Foul" .... I am watching as one dominant after another says one thing yet does another. And instead of becoming more disillusioned - I am sorting it all out.. so it makes sense in my mind (maybe not in yours - but for me)

It makes much more sense to me now to have the domination thing .. this BDSM thing .. part time. When the stars are aligned and the moon is high and everyone is on the same page.

It isn't a game - nope it isn't. I think it is much more realistic to see domination and submission as a part time thing. Not putting all your faith in one person. Reserving a little faith in yourself.. in your decisions .. in your desires.. in your wants and needs.

Realizing that some times we need to be equals - we need to share the power.. share the caring.. share the responsibilities. This way no one is put on a pedestal only to have it crumble out from under them .. leaving them and others confused and hurt and angry.

I need to now work out the whole collaring thing......... because I don't believe in committing part time... I really do need to work out play friends or lovers or part time friends.

I do want to belong to someone ..... I do!! but it has to be from a more realistic position than kneeling with my head down and my eyes closed.

Monday, November 08, 2010

feeling better??

I think - hallelujah - I might be feeling a tad better. Oh I still get weary - and I am still sticking to pretty bland foods - but there is a tingle inside - a slow budding of a need building.

Yesterday Warren offered to pick me up and take me to a Fetish Bazaar being held at one of the clubs here. I was a bit disappointed in the offerings...... BUT .. Warren did manage to find 2 floggers that he tested out .. one on my ass.. and one on my breasts. They got the passing grade from me!!!

Then we hit a couple of stores that sell fantasy knives. I do believe I am developing quite a fetish for knives. I bought one jewel encased knife from a Medieval shop. It is a thing of beauty !!!

Now I just have to find the perfect spot to showcase them........ away from grandbaby fingers!!

I also wonder if it is time..... perhaps ?? to find another sub or slave to bring into the mix....... the unusual mix that is Warren and i. Someone - as I put it to Warren - to tote that barge and lift that bale.

Ah well time will tell..........


and as a kind of postscript comment..... It is rather nice to have a "Monday Morning Report" to do this week :)

Saturday, November 06, 2010


I never much thought about the term "Master" until Warren refused to have the title applied to himself. He always maintained that a "Master" had a proficiency in some area. He always claimed he was "still learning" and therefore could not be called or considered a "Master"

Truthfully I rather liked the humbleness of that philosophy. Especially considering my opinion that anyone could call themselves a "Master" in the lifestyle - as there really were no universities to attend or schools to attend with credited teachers to teach. In the lifestyle - it seems to me anyway - that anyone can call themselves a Master and base it on the number of years they claim to be in the lifestyle - or the number of workshops they have taken by any number of other "Masters". No where are there diplomas or pieces of paper hanging on the wall showing you have studied under some great self-proclaimed "guru".

It amazes me the number of newbies that I have met - only 5 or 10 years ago that didn't know one end of a flogger from another who are now Pro Dommes or "Masters" and teaching everyone else how to do A B or C. Boggles my mind!! (But then remember I am a teacher who questions - from time to time - my right to teach ... who do I think I am??!!)

For some reason right now .. here in the Great White North.. there is a HUGE push on to have Dungeon Monitors patrolling all the clubs/play parties... to keep all us players safe and sound!!! Most of those DM's are under the age of 30 ........... and I am sorry - but they aren't gonna tell me - or my play partner - how we SHOULD be playing !!! Sorry but I have 25+ years of playing and experiencing and yes, even attending workshops........ experience tells me that my partner and I know what is right for us.... what works for us....... and my general attitude towards these DM's is keep the hell away from me... IF you must feel useful - then keep all the gawkers away from us too - before they walk into a middle of our scene and get themselves hit upside the head with a back swing!!

I was thinking - early this morning - very early before the birds were up or the sun - that power does indeed corrupt. Put a glow stick around someone's arm - christen them a DM for a night, and look out baby !! Have some self-proclaimed Master believe his own hype and Look out again !! The philosophy seems to be "My way or the highway".

I remember once - a long time ago - Warren was playing with me at a semi-private club. Just the way I like to be played with - by the way. He was tap tap tapping with the big wooden paddle... and after about 10 taps He would wind up and lay into me with one BIG wallop that would just about send me into the next room. I was in my element.. floating along with the taps and flying into sub space with the wallops. A "Master" walked by and had the nerve !!! to stop our scene and critique the way Warren was hitting me. He did not approve and was gonna make damn sure Warren knew.

I was furious !! And after the scene .. and after I had focused my fuzzy brain I told him so !!!

Warren and I landed up withdrawing more and more from public play. When we did go out pubic - we played politely so as not to scare the masses. How boring !!!

Now to the point of this entry.........

I am on fetlife. And for those of you not on fetlife.. or not in the "know" there are two sides to it. The English side .........and the French side. Historically the French side here in the Great White North has played and acted very differently from the English side. They play HARD.. harder I would say than the English side (and that is probably gonna land me in hot water with the English side) and they have more protocols and bowing and scraping than the English side.

Well a day or two ago a Master put up a picture of his slave after a scene they had. Now I am thinking perhaps it wasn't the smartest idea........ considering how squeamish most in the lifestyle are .. or how judgmental they are - despite the "oh we accept everyone's differences!!"

I was a bit shocked at the number of polite Masters that jumped all over this Master for beating his sub into a bleeding pulp. Why I don't know...... cause that seems to be the way of BDSM these days. I don't like what you do - therefore I am gonna denounce it the world !!! There were words back and forth........ but the outcome was basically .......... why would we play in public if this is the reaction we can expect??!!! The Master in question pointed out he didn't play with china dolls. The sub in question pointed out she had a safe word - and never used it - this was the type of play she loved.

Now whether we agree with how they play - that is not the point !!! The point is we are all adults...... we should not need BDSM nazis to tell us how to play and how not to play !!!

Even me - the germ freak - says if they wish to play like that...... and clean up after themselves WELL !! so there is no blood / bodily fluids lying around..... then what the hell is the problem???? Who died and made you....or you...... Master of how someone else plays??? Don't talk to me about caring for your submissive like she is some precious delicate toy and you shouldn't break her. Excuse me - but we are all adults........ how dare you??!!!

Seems to me the Masters had better go back to etiquette school and learn about public play........ and learn RISK or SSC or some of the other "rules" we supposedly live by..... and mind their own business !

Wednesday, November 03, 2010


Honestly - there just isn't a whole lot going on around here... not physically or mentally. Can we say "dead"??

I was musing this week on a couple who left the lifestyle for a time and she mentioned to me in passing that it shocked her how many of their "friends" (in the lifestyle) didn't even call them once they were "gone". She realized that they honestly didn't have any thing in common - other than whipping and flogging and the latest BDSM gossip. I found that sad.

Well I have been "gone from the lifestyle" going on 3 weeks now. (the damn gall bladder - remember??) And truthfully haven't heard diddly squat from any of my so-called "friends" in the lifestyle. Oh wait .. I lie. One did drop by last week for coffee.. and spent most of the time we were together talking about how broke he was... and dropped a hint?? (I am not sure if it was a hint - or just a passing thought) that if someone would loan him $1,000 life would look a whole lot better.
I couldn't help but think a $1000 would make just about anyone's life a little bit easier these days.


On another note....... yesterday my principal walked passed me in the hallway and said "I don't think you are working your 7 hours a day. Send me your hours please" I was speechless. And then I was stressed. And then .. well then I got pissed off. I work 7 hours a day and then some!! So I sent her an email with my hours clearly documented. At the end of the email I wrote that I would NEVER cheat the system!!! Later on she commented that she hadn't meant me to take it that way.

Well how was I supposed to take a comment like that??!!! Don't you dare tell me I am overly sensitive.. or over reacting! This morning my hours were 7 - 10 am. I found it interesting that at 9:35 my intercom rang - it was the main office. However I was on the phone with a parent and didn't bother acknowledging the office. I figured I would get back to them. After 2 more intercom calls, the secretary wandered down to my office and told me to pick up 101 (a call on hold) I nodded and said "when I get off this phone call". I got the distinct impression they are checking on me.......... and I am getting more pissed. I think from now on I will document every time I work 5 or 10 minutes longer than I am supposed to.. I will document every time I pop in to the dollar store to pick up some little thing for the program.......... grrrrrrrrrrrrr..... I hate being doubted.


I really appreciated kaila's comment on my blog the other day. In part she said:
"It's not that you don't want to serve or be the slave you know you can be, but you are unable. ............. The fact that Warren has been there for you speaks volumes about his character. I don't know either he or you enough to make an overall judgement nor should I, but it is obvious he "gets" the idea of the responsibilities that go along with ownership."

and I know I have heard it before.. but for some reason it hit home this time. So on Sunday afternoon when the doorbell rang and there stood Warren - I felt like the luckiest person alive. The hardest thing about being sick and waiting .. is the waiting alone. I don't know about you folks.. but my imagination just runs wild .. especially at 3 in the morning.. and google (god bless it's little search engine) just sends me off wildly checking and double checking symptoms and diseases.. Having Warren stop by for a couple of hours of chit chat helped ease some of the loneliness and worry and stress.

My doctor arrives back in town tomorrow. I am hoping against hope that in the next couple of days I can touch base with her and maybe line up a surgeon. I am also hoping that she - being the miracle worker that I believe she is - might just get this whole process moving a long a little faster.


Oh yeah .. when Warren arrived on Sunday he brought with him another birthday gift for me. A split blade fantasy knife. It is sitting and waiting until I am mentally and physically ready to play again. The split blade knife makes the most interesting patterns.


We had snow over the weekend.. which of course got me thinking Christmas.. which of course just depressed me. I have no idea at all about what to get for family and friends this year.. and I can't help but wonder if I will even be around for the celebrations........... I keep thinking I should get out and get the shopping done NOW......... just in case. But I have little to no energy left by the end of the day .. or the end of the week.

Maybe if worse comes to worse my kids and grandkids would move in for a day and decorate and turn my house into a Christmas fantasy land. maybe?

And that's about it for the news around here in the Great White North. Not much of an adventure going on.......... no BDSM...... not much of anything.

But this too shall pass............. eventually.

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