Sunday, August 30, 2015

Sunday Sentiments

a very sweet soul sent this to me and it seemed right to post it today

Friday, August 28, 2015


I have lived in an apartment only once in my life time - when I was first married some 30+ years ago.  I honestly don't remember too much of apartment life.  After that brief stint (about 2 years) we moved into a home.  And I have always lived in a house since then.............. 

All that to say - it is taking some adjustment to be living in an apartment now.  The first thing I noticed is how dark the apartment is.  Of course!!  I only have windows on one side of my living space.....  Fortunately I haven't noticed cooking odors in the hallway and thankfully my neighbours are very quiet.......... 

This morning I am doing my first load of laundry in the laundry room - again fortunately - there is a laundry room on each floor - so I don't have to trek down to some dark dingy basement 

But I am not the only one having to adjust to apartment life.  Miss Ashes is having a tough time.  At the house - every morning  - she would join me on the front deck early in the morning for my first cup of coffee and cigarette.  When I would come back in - she would automatically head for the back door and get very verbal if I didn't move fast enough to get the door open and set her free to explore the back yard.  This summer she has spent most of her day outside........... only coming to the back door when she wanted food/water or the litter box, and then going right back outside.

Each morning - here at the apartment - she joins me on the balcony for my first cup of coffee in the morning........ and then........... she wanders around the apartment nattering at me.  I swear she is looking for the back door and her big adventurous back yard.  She has figured out that maybe the front door leads somewhere - maybe her back yard??? BUT "mom" is mean and nasty and won't open it and let her out.

Yesterday I took some pictures of Miss Ashes grumbling on the balcony............

doesn't she look impressed with her caged view of the world????

BUT she has discovered - just beyond those bars is a whole green world - filled with squirrels, bugs, birds, and hidey holes.............

IF she could only slip away......... (le sigh) 

but she is very good - when I see a paw go through the bars I say sternly "Missy!!!" and the paw comes back in - and she grumbles and gives me dirty looks but she listens.  Someone suggested I get a leash for her and take her for a walk - right - would work except Miss Priss does NOT like leashes in any shape or form - and HATES collars.  So she is confined to the balcony.

Side note here - I wondered what had her attention yesterday..... and discovered she had found a new "creature".............. 

watching the lil caterpillar kept her amused for all of 2 minutes.... (grinning) 

We'll both adjust ...... and find our way through this new  journey 


Thursday, August 27, 2015

New Day

I am really hoping that I can take today and make it a new day - a new beginning.  

These past few weeks have been more difficult than I thought........I realize I have lost a lot of my joie de vivre - my cheekiness - my self confidence. 

My head hurts

My heart hurts

BUT I want today to be a new beginning....... I do!!  I do !!  I do !!


Monday, August 24, 2015

Come Visit

Slowly - very slowly - things are starting to come together.  Yesterday some good friends - who are moving in 2 months came and collected ALL the boxes and ALL the packing paper and gave me back my home!!  YAY!!  (I do hate clutter!)

At the very beginning of this new adventure - I came to the apartment - when it was clean and spotless and empty and took pictures..... I finally remembered to take before shots - so that I can have "after" shots :)

Today I thought I would take you all on a little tour round my lil home.... empty.  Then when I finally get everything into place - exactly where I want it - finally get ALL the pictures up ....... I will take "after" shots and you can see the difference


for today - it's the BEFORE shots......

 This shot is looking at the entry way 

This is the world's smallest kitchen 

 The apartment management team left me a gift basket 

This is the living room (a bit dark I know and I apologize)
with the patio doors to my balcony

 turn right around and you are looking at the dining room

from the living room you look straight down the hallway to the bedrooms and bathroom

First bedroom on your right is the spare/guest room

This is the master bedroom

one angle in the bathroom

the opposite angle showing the sink 

and last but not least - an insuite storage cupboard for all those Christmas decorations!!!

And that dear friends is my new home ........... I promise soon - sooner - soonest to be able to share with you all the finished product!!!


Sunday, August 23, 2015

Impossible - you say!?

Meet Penelope the Piggie

"With her head-strong determination and good fortune, Penelope is the perfect depiction of overcoming impossible odds!
Her personal war against anyone using the phrase 'When pigs fly!' has brought much abundance and prosperity !"

Eldest daughter gave Penelope the Piggy to me yesterday....... 

So now I know - when everything looks bleak - that Pigs CAN fly and I will push forward without hesitation.  Seemed like a rather appropriate Sunday Sentiment - don't ya think?? 

Saturday, August 22, 2015


I am beginning to see an end to this beginning............ well an end to all the boxes and mess !!  

And today - as promised - eldest daughter and her partner arrive to do all the heavy - complicated stuff - to help turn this apartment into a "home".

I feel a little bit like a kid at Christmas - which is silly I know - but this visit has been promised since I made the decision to move.  "We'll come down Mom - and hang curtains and do all the heavy stuff - don't worry we'll be there to help you"   

They shifted their schedules around - cleared the day - and they are coming!!  

It really is a special feeling to have people to support you and help you.  I am a very lucky woman - from family to the BDSM community  even here on the Journey  - folks have rallied round me and have been there for me ........ what a feeling!  it makes me all teary eyed - and I wonder what I did to deserve such friendship....

Wasn't there a bit from Sound of Music that went 
Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good


Thursday, August 20, 2015

Tough Day Ahead - Updated

I am back from the test - which turned out to be minor surgery.  The news wasn't GREAT - but it wasn't bad bad either.  The cancer was back - but the doc was able to remove it in the office (can I say OUCH)... I am now on "light duties" for a couple of days (as I sit and stare at all the boxes yet to be unpacked)  AND I am back to going for tests every 3 months - instead of inching forward to once a year..............
Today is my 6month check for cancer. Like always I am "scared shitless".

I keep thinking I don't think I could handle a reappearance of the cancer - not now - not when I am trying to stand on my own two feet - sometimes pretending I have this "living alone" under control....... but mostly feeling just a little lost and stupid and overwhelmed.

So if you could just keep me in your thoughts today - I think I could use all the positive vibes I can get.........

My mantra for today is - I CAN do this !! I can I can I can...........

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

I'm Backkkkk

Well sort of..............

The move went as well as could be expected - especially in the heat and high humidity ... It had to be the hottest days of the summer the week of my move and unpacking right???

And the reason I am not fully back yet - is best described with these few pics..........

 that's the good room - at 10pm just before I climbed into bed............. 

The rest of the house looks more or less like this............

I have very dear subbie friend - mini me - who arrived on my doorstep yesterday at 8 am to help and is on her way back this morning........thank god for good friends who keep you going when you are SO ready to just give up !!

So I'm sorta back - but till I can find the floor I might be sporadic - to put it mildly :)

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Last Day

Tomorrow the movers arrive to load up and move me forward.......... 

I am sad - and scared and  yes even excited.

I will be offline for a few days until the internet / cable guy shows up and gets me back on line.......... 

So while I am away - everyone play nice........... 

Thursday, August 13, 2015

4 A.M.

That's what the clock was showing when my eyes opened..... trust me I growled.

4 BLOODY A.M.??!!  Usually I find a nice lil fantasy - close my eyes and drift back to sleep - but this morning there was no lil fantasy - only truth.  And sometimes truth is hard and mean and hurts.

At 5 A.M. I got out of bed.  Even Miss Ashes (the cat) thought I was nuts.  I rationalized I used to get up at 5 A.M. every day when I was working........... 

Miss Ashes followed me outside with my coffee - she sat beside me staring at me - I guess - trying to figure out what the hell her human was up to.

There is very little noise at 5 A.M. - oh I did hear a train whistle - far off in the distance - and I wondered 'freight or passenger'........ but it didn't matter really

There is no sun today - well not yet.  Only dark clouds over head.  Sort of suits my mood I guess.

Now I am sitting here at the computer with my coffee - Miss Ashes has gone back to her corner and curled up to sleep - and I wonder when I will find total peace in my heart again and can sleep once again

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Last Blooms

One of the things I have been fussing over/thinking about - are my gardens.  I wonder what will happen to them once I am gone.  They were -- after all -- my doing - my passion.  I can hardly go out to look at them now..... like leaving behind kids in a divorce.  Yeah I know it sounds weird - but some days that's how it feels.

Now mostly my back garden is Asian themed - so lots of different textures and different shades of green - tall wispy grasses and flowering vines that cover (or will one day) the side fence.

But there were two bushes left by the previous owner.  When I started the back garden project - I didn't want them removed.  One is at the corner of the house - just before you actually enter the back yard...... so it was left.  It always bloomed in late July / August with the most spectacular purple blooms.... I have NO idea what the plant is...... but I loved it.

This summer it started to bloom - and I thought something was wrong.  The flowers were white!!  I have watched and over the last two weeks more and more and MORE buds have appeared........... and some are white and some are purple.  My lil bush - almost forgotten in the corner - is putting on a spectacular show this summer ........ weird isn't it?? maybe it's giving it all it's got to bid me farewell...............

 The front garden has been the bane of my existence.  When I got here it was mostly weeds and tons of rocks.  It took me 2 summers of digging up the weeds and removing the rocks  - fertilizing it - babying it - to actually get a garden bed worth working in..... But truthfully nothing seemed to flourish.  There was an ugly green bush (tiny bit of a thing) in the corner.  This spring I vowed if it didn't do anything this summer then it was going in the compost bucket.

A week or so ago I swore I saw a tiny wee bud on it.   Lo and behold - there were 2 buds on it!!  AND it would appear that tiny wee do-nothing bush is actually a hydrangea or as my father called them "snowball bushes".  Usually they bloom (in my experience) in the early spring with BIG white round flowers.  I have seen purpley blue flowers (even tried once to create them - as you must add a special acid to the soil) But for the most part they were always white.  Well the buds on my wee tiny bush in the front garden started to open a week ago ........... and lo and behold the flowers aren't white - they aren't even the purpley blue............ they are ........ well you tell me I say pink but then for the most part I am coloured blind ...........

I took some last pictures of the flowers in the gardens..... something to take with me to my new home.... a fond memory of "my gardening days' 


 Note to "Downunder Don" I got your comment about pictures and promise there will be more ... soon... I have a photography friend who is all but kidnapping me to get me back out there with my camera...... so yeah - soon I promise more artsy fartsy shots :) For now you will have to content yourself with the mundane :) 

Monday, August 10, 2015

The Beginning of the beginning

So much has happened in the last week.  I didn't want to write about them .... but now seems as good a time as any.

Last Tuesday I signed a lease on an apartment and by this time next week - I will be moved out of W's house and living on my own.  

Oh I am not moving far - I love this city - love the community - so I found a lil apartment just 5 minutes down the road.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done - deciding to leave W.  I  think I will always love him.  But I have cried a river of tears for what was supposed to be - and now I am trying (operative word is TRYING) to smile over all the things that happened.  

On the weekend I was taking down my curtains - struggling to get the screws out of the wall - crying silent tears of frustration and hurt and maybe some anger....... when suddenly memories started to flood my mind..... 

I was standing on the ladder looking out on the driveway and I saw myself drive  in 3 years ago - saw W almost bouncing up and down with excitement that I had finally arrived - saw W pull out the silver chain mail collar with a new BDSM pendant - engraved on the back and try to put it around my neck - right there in the middle of the driveway - no pomp no circumstance - just a simple declaration of ownership.

Later I was standing in the kitchen - trying to figure out how to sort out my kitchen things from W's kitchen things and I remembered that first day again and how I saw the finished kitchen for the first time - It was the most gorgeous kitchen anyone could ever have!  And he had created it for me.  I remember declaring how much I loved it and how I could sleep in it....... and I remembered how we laughed about that........ 

When I was in the bedroom - again taking down my curtains - I saw myself bouncing on the bed - watching W put the curtains up and being so happy so excited so in love...... not able to believe my good fortune that this was going to be my life forever!

And as this week trudges along and I pack more stuff - and hunt down more stuff - I am sure more memories will come flooding back .... happy memories.  

The post from yesterday was done for a reason.......... I felt such incredible sadness for the last (umm I don't know ) 6 months or so......... the Dr Seuss saying "Don't cry because it's over - smile because it happened" touched something inside of me........ and it's true - I will try to smile more over the memories and cry less over the pain........ 

And so it is "the beginning of (yet another ) beginning"............... 

Sunday, August 09, 2015

Sunday Sentiments

I think - right about now - we need some positive thoughts - there's been way too many tears and hurtful words.

Thursday, August 06, 2015

Thought Provoking

 A friend posted - what I consider an excellent question - this morning on FetLife.  I answered him there - but thought I would bring my answer over here... cause a) the question is worth thinking about for anyone/everyone and b) I didn't have a blog post this morning (cheeky grin)

Now the question was:   

"What one piece of advice would you give yourself, knowing what you know now."

And my answer went something like this ...

1) Have fun - laugh - enjoy - don't take it too seriously
cause truthfully folks - if it starts being all serious and not fun anymore - you are doing it wrong - OR - it's time to move on.
2) Explore - learn - don't be afraid (well within reason - some things are fun to be afraid of - others just good sense)

I was thinking when I wrote this bit - how fear does play a big part in my "turn on" -- BUT for me anyway - I spent a fair amount of time being afraid I wasn't pleasing him.... or that I would do something wrong........ it clogged my heart  and made it hurt.  
3) Always - ALWAYS - remain true to yourself and your moral code

Sometimes you bend and twist yourself to try and be what the Dom/sub wants you to be......that's just wrong in so many ways........... you have to be YOU - experience has taught me I can't be anyone else - or some image someone else has of who/what I should be.
4) Don't be intimidated by the Doms or the more experienced - or anyone - as a very wise man (my father ) once told me "they all put their pants on one leg at a time"

When I was a "newbie" I thought (honestly!!)  that somehow Doms walked on water .. were demi gods (oh stop laughing!!) I have learned that they are human just like me - with the same foibles and insecurities ... respect everyone  - dom and sub a like - be kind to everyone - dom and sub alike and you will find joy and happiness and much laughter in this lifestyle.     

Monday, August 03, 2015

Another Hard Limit Bites The Dust

On the weekend I was invited to a house party - a pool / potluck barbeque party.

Now I had been warned that this pool party was a "swim suit optional" party.  UGH!  I have never EVER gone skinny dipping ... in public.. in front of anyone!  (Once a long long time ago - when my ex and I had a pool in the backyard - and it was a hot steamy night - I did disrobe and plunge in the pool to cool off at 3:00 am - but I don't count that)

I was reassured that some folks would be in suits - that I did not HAVE to disrobe - but I still had butterflies.  Would I feel the odd man out trotting around in a suit?? Would I feel worse trotting around naked?? ahhhh the dilemmas we subs go through when we don't have someone to "order" it - and take the responsibility off our shoulders - so we can trot around naked - and be able to say "not my choice I was ORDERED to" and have a clear conscience!

I had (and wore) a very cute black and white striped strapless sun dress...... a kinda cover up.  I was wearing that (sans swim suit) at the pool when folks starting arriving - starting stripping down and diving in.  I curled up and tried to disappear into the chair.  

Then I heard this voice from the pool - "S - it's time to come in the pool.  NOW."  I - with great trepidation - stripped off my sundress and walked to the ladder and climbed in.  Not a word was spoken - everyone continued splashing and laughing and ignoring me.. I felt pretty damn good.......... no one had noticed !!

Eventually I wanted a drink and some sun - I approached the ladder nonchalantly.   As I started to climb the ladder - one of the Doms (good naturedly and teasingly ) started chanting "I see S's bare bum - I see S's bare bum" and everyone laughed - including me.  The worst was over.  

And it didn't turn into some great orgy of naked bodies engaging in all sorts of sexual activities.  It was just like a 'normal' pool party - lots of splashing and teasing and good natured fun............. 

After a marvelous barbeque feast - some of us started a game of "Cards against Humanity" a game I have heard a lot about - but never played.  I was so excited - like a kid at a party.  The cards were raunchy and there was lots of giggling and laughter as our cards were read out - we were all relaxed and getting into the spirit of the game. (of course the pre-dinner "purple" drinks went a long way to help .......... 

I couldn't believe how fast the time went - soon the lights were put on around the pool ... the last of the swimmers climbed out and dried off........ and everyone started to slowly leave.

I had a warm glow - these people - these friends - were amazing.  I felt accepted and maybe more than that I did truly feel loved!  

When I was tucked into bed - a kiss on my forehead - the blankets pulled tight around me and the soft words spoken "sweet dreams" I smiled - how could I NOT have sweet dreams ?!

Sunday, August 02, 2015

New Bucket List

I think this will be my new bucket list..... gonna reach for the stars - try everything possible and maybe some not so possible and at the end make sure I have no regrets!

Saturday, August 01, 2015

Dance like Nobody's Watching

Last evening a group of us went to Market Square to "Rock the Square" .  Kingston had organised a free rock concert with Miss Emily as the opening act ........ and Big Sugar as the main event.

I had not heard of either of them.   I was assured if I liked reggae music with a mix of blues thrown in for good measure I would like Big Sugar.  No one else seemed to know this "Miss Emily"

I figured this new me - venturing out to all sorts of new things - would probably enjoy an introduction to some new "hip" bands ....... so I agreed.

We met up with more friends downtown and went to dinner (my dinner was a big disappointment - I didn't think anyone could ruin  Chicken Tikka Marsala - but they did) The restaurant was packed - everyone had the same bright idea - dinner before the show.  But thanks to some quick thinking on our server's part - we wolfed down dinner and made it to the square with minutes to spare!!

We had had a gorgeous day - sunny and warm - no humidity and the evening looked really promising............ 


the black clouds started to roll in..........

But a few showers didn't dampen our enthusiasm for this Miss Emily - she was amazing!!  I loved her style and she soon had everyone clapping and singing along and grooving to the music.

 Some members of the Tragically Hip joined Miss Emily on stage for her final numbers

There was a brief break after she finished while they set up for Big Sugar - and the black clouds threatened ... the storm circled the downtown but never actually made it to us........We watched as Mother Nature put on quite a light show all around us - huge lightening bolts lighting up the night sky but it did nothing to dampen our enthusiasm for the show. 

Unfortunately the one thing I hadn't planned on - was the crowd rushing the stage when Big Sugar came out and that greatly hampered my getting any decent pictures..... but here are a few of the ones I did manage to snap.............



 After an hour and a half of beating out the tunes - the show came to a close ........ 

What an experience!!  I'll even admit to a wee bit of "dancing like nobody was watching"


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