Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Answering Lilac's questions........

On Monday Lilac asked me a couple of questions based on the dinner party.... 

1). Isn't Hands supposed to ask his wife to help you in the kitchen ?
2). Don't you think you may be stronger than who you think you are as in role-wise ? For example , you keep calm and you can control the situation etc ? 

(clarified version of #2) "Have you ever thought you may be somewhat dominant ?" 

I decided to answer it in a post -- cause usually more than one person has thought the same thing.............

#1 -- not the way I see it Lilac -- though I welcome other thoughts on the matter.  

We both serve him and it is our responsibility to make sure his needs are taken care of.   I don't believe either of us should have to be told what to do for him in regards to obvious needs -- like preparing his dinner.

This relationship is very new and we are all still working out the details...... BUT... the one thing I know (want) is that when we are all together I would like his wife and I to serve him together -- BUT with my always being mindful that she comes first -- I am the 'second' so to speak.  When she allows me to serve him it is a like a gift she gives me.  This style of poly is new for me -- I am following his wife's lead and Hand's lead obviously.  We are figuring out what is going to work best for the 3 of us -- no one else just us 3.

#2 Oh wow Lilac -- believe me when I say you are not the first person to suggest that I may have a dominant side.  (small smile) I have had my fair share of folks at munches ask me if I am sure I am submissive

And I will tell you what I tell them....... I am submissive to my core.  I did -- once upon a very long time -- try domming and made a mess of it ...... it didn't feel comfortable -- I didn't feel comfortable in my skin.   

I do have a very strong personality -- I ran a business -- taught school and raised two kids -- all of which involve a fair amount of "taking charge".  BUT it exhausted me and I hated being in control.

I also firmly believe that there is nothing wrong with being a strong submissive - in my addled brain -- when I give up control it means more than if I were a doormat and rolled over for every person who used a capital "D" or "M" in front of their name.  Maybe Dominants wouldn't agree with me -- I know W used to say "just once he would like to dom a weak submissive" -- shrugI believe -- and this is just MY belief -- that my job as a submissive is to make my Dominant's life as easy and uncomplicated as possible.  No Dominant will ever have to 'micromanage' me - I'll take care of me and if that makes people think I am dominant -- shrug -- so be it -- I just believe being a strong submissive might just increase my value (grinning)

and one other thought -- have you ever been in a group of submissives where there is no leader??? dear god in heaven -- NOTHING gets done!!

and I have often wondered - in a group of Masters/Dominants - if anything would get done either - with them all thinking they should be in charge (cheeky grin)

(ok that last bit was written a little tongue in cheek)

I hope that answers your questions Lilac -- if not -- please feel free to ask for clarification!


Now Day 7 -- last day of the photo challenge



Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Continuing Battle

For about a week now I have been thinking about a winter wardrobe.  Last spring my daughters gave me the height of shit because I was still wearing "big" clothes -- and still buying "big" clothes.  

I think I have come to terms with going down 6 dress sizes -- weighing less than what I weighed before my first baby.  And I have been sorta looking/thinking about what to buy for the winter....... and making myself look at dresses instead of oversized sweaters and leggings to hide in.

BUT ya know -- when I look in a mirror (it's rare -- but occasionally I actually do look) I most definitely do NOT see what others see.  It fucks with my head ya know?  I have been told that 'the years have been good to me -- that I look hot" (had that one more than once).  I have been told how great I look -- my daughter even called me skinny when she was down .......... I am most definitely NOT skinny!!  thinner yes I will accept that cause there's no denying it anymore ...... but the other adjectives?? not so much acceptance.

Yesterday I was chatting with Hands -- and he said he hoped one day I would be able to see myself through someone else's eyes.  I'm definitely working on it with my therapist -- cause I think until I can actually "see" myself, this battle with food will continue.

For now I will replace my winter wardrobe with the right size dresses -- and maybe one or two oversized sweaters and leggings just cause they are comfy (small smile) 
I will keep working out at the gym - lifting weights - hoping for more body definition and maybe in time I will look in the mirror and see the "real" me.


Day 6 of the Photo Challenge

Monday, August 29, 2016

The Bond Builds

Hands and his wife came for dinner on Saturday.  And it was a calmer dinner (small smile)  I didn't greet them at the door in a panic because dinner wasn't cooking -- no this time everything was ready and I was calm.

It may just be me -- but it felt like his wife and I worked together to serve him -- to see to his needs and that pleased me so much -- it felt like she and I meshed ya know??  I even asked her for help in the kitchen -- which is pretty rare for me -- again it just felt right to have her by my side - giggling - and preparing - serving him together.

But the most emotional part of the evening for me -- the most symbolic part of the evening - was when she and I were sitting on either side of him at his feet.  We both had our hand resting on his thighs -- and her hand moved inches towards mine and took it -- and we sat -- the 3 of us -- chatting while she held my hand.  

IF I close my eyes and picture that moment --
our hands joined, resting on his lap -- a circle of love (I like to think in my mushy emotional way)

And when I glanced up at Hands - his eyes were heavy lidded watching us -- and he had this small smile on his face.

I know though -- we still have a way to go to forming a tight trusting dynamic.... and I KNOW only time will build that dynamic - but I have a message to his wife... 
'I know what was -- I know the horror, the pain --  and I will NEVER (god forbid) do anything to hurt you...... I only want to add positive good things ("do no harm")  to this dynamic --

AND I know it will take time -- I have all the time in the world




Day 5 of the Photo Challenge


Sunday, August 28, 2016

Sunday Sentiments


Day 5 of the Nature Photo Challenge 
HEY!  I don't get a day off neither do you (cheeky grin)


Saturday, August 27, 2016

Nothing New

There really isn't much on my mind today ........ some days are just like that ya know? 

I am going to cut myself some slack and just post my day 3 picture for the photo challenge I am doing...........  

I am not a big fan of "nature" pics -- especially of flowers -- so to amuse myself I did some editing of the above picture and came up with this.........

Last night to alleviate my problem finding "nature" pics for the next 4 days I went to
  a local conservation area and went for a long walk with my camera -- I think I am good for 4 more nature pics........... I hope

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