Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Answering Lilac's questions........

On Monday Lilac asked me a couple of questions based on the dinner party.... 

1). Isn't Hands supposed to ask his wife to help you in the kitchen ?
2). Don't you think you may be stronger than who you think you are as in role-wise ? For example , you keep calm and you can control the situation etc ? 

(clarified version of #2) "Have you ever thought you may be somewhat dominant ?" 

I decided to answer it in a post -- cause usually more than one person has thought the same thing.............

#1 -- not the way I see it Lilac -- though I welcome other thoughts on the matter.  

We both serve him and it is our responsibility to make sure his needs are taken care of.   I don't believe either of us should have to be told what to do for him in regards to obvious needs -- like preparing his dinner.

This relationship is very new and we are all still working out the details...... BUT... the one thing I know (want) is that when we are all together I would like his wife and I to serve him together -- BUT with my always being mindful that she comes first -- I am the 'second' so to speak.  When she allows me to serve him it is a like a gift she gives me.  This style of poly is new for me -- I am following his wife's lead and Hand's lead obviously.  We are figuring out what is going to work best for the 3 of us -- no one else just us 3.

#2 Oh wow Lilac -- believe me when I say you are not the first person to suggest that I may have a dominant side.  (small smile) I have had my fair share of folks at munches ask me if I am sure I am submissive

And I will tell you what I tell them....... I am submissive to my core.  I did -- once upon a very long time -- try domming and made a mess of it ...... it didn't feel comfortable -- I didn't feel comfortable in my skin.   

I do have a very strong personality -- I ran a business -- taught school and raised two kids -- all of which involve a fair amount of "taking charge".  BUT it exhausted me and I hated being in control.

I also firmly believe that there is nothing wrong with being a strong submissive - in my addled brain -- when I give up control it means more than if I were a doormat and rolled over for every person who used a capital "D" or "M" in front of their name.  Maybe Dominants wouldn't agree with me -- I know W used to say "just once he would like to dom a weak submissive" -- shrugI believe -- and this is just MY belief -- that my job as a submissive is to make my Dominant's life as easy and uncomplicated as possible.  No Dominant will ever have to 'micromanage' me - I'll take care of me and if that makes people think I am dominant -- shrug -- so be it -- I just believe being a strong submissive might just increase my value (grinning)

and one other thought -- have you ever been in a group of submissives where there is no leader??? dear god in heaven -- NOTHING gets done!!

and I have often wondered - in a group of Masters/Dominants - if anything would get done either - with them all thinking they should be in charge (cheeky grin)

(ok that last bit was written a little tongue in cheek)

I hope that answers your questions Lilac -- if not -- please feel free to ask for clarification!


Now Day 7 -- last day of the photo challenge



Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Continuing Battle

For about a week now I have been thinking about a winter wardrobe.  Last spring my daughters gave me the height of shit because I was still wearing "big" clothes -- and still buying "big" clothes.  

I think I have come to terms with going down 6 dress sizes -- weighing less than what I weighed before my first baby.  And I have been sorta looking/thinking about what to buy for the winter....... and making myself look at dresses instead of oversized sweaters and leggings to hide in.

BUT ya know -- when I look in a mirror (it's rare -- but occasionally I actually do look) I most definitely do NOT see what others see.  It fucks with my head ya know?  I have been told that 'the years have been good to me -- that I look hot" (had that one more than once).  I have been told how great I look -- my daughter even called me skinny when she was down .......... I am most definitely NOT skinny!!  thinner yes I will accept that cause there's no denying it anymore ...... but the other adjectives?? not so much acceptance.

Yesterday I was chatting with Hands -- and he said he hoped one day I would be able to see myself through someone else's eyes.  I'm definitely working on it with my therapist -- cause I think until I can actually "see" myself, this battle with food will continue.

For now I will replace my winter wardrobe with the right size dresses -- and maybe one or two oversized sweaters and leggings just cause they are comfy (small smile) 
I will keep working out at the gym - lifting weights - hoping for more body definition and maybe in time I will look in the mirror and see the "real" me.


Day 6 of the Photo Challenge

Monday, August 29, 2016

The Bond Builds

Hands and his wife came for dinner on Saturday.  And it was a calmer dinner (small smile)  I didn't greet them at the door in a panic because dinner wasn't cooking -- no this time everything was ready and I was calm.

It may just be me -- but it felt like his wife and I worked together to serve him -- to see to his needs and that pleased me so much -- it felt like she and I meshed ya know??  I even asked her for help in the kitchen -- which is pretty rare for me -- again it just felt right to have her by my side - giggling - and preparing - serving him together.

But the most emotional part of the evening for me -- the most symbolic part of the evening - was when she and I were sitting on either side of him at his feet.  We both had our hand resting on his thighs -- and her hand moved inches towards mine and took it -- and we sat -- the 3 of us -- chatting while she held my hand.  

IF I close my eyes and picture that moment --
our hands joined, resting on his lap -- a circle of love (I like to think in my mushy emotional way)

And when I glanced up at Hands - his eyes were heavy lidded watching us -- and he had this small smile on his face.

I know though -- we still have a way to go to forming a tight trusting dynamic.... and I KNOW only time will build that dynamic - but I have a message to his wife... 
'I know what was -- I know the horror, the pain --  and I will NEVER (god forbid) do anything to hurt you...... I only want to add positive good things ("do no harm")  to this dynamic --

AND I know it will take time -- I have all the time in the world




Day 5 of the Photo Challenge


Sunday, August 28, 2016

Sunday Sentiments


Day 5 of the Nature Photo Challenge 
HEY!  I don't get a day off neither do you (cheeky grin)


Saturday, August 27, 2016

Nothing New

There really isn't much on my mind today ........ some days are just like that ya know? 

I am going to cut myself some slack and just post my day 3 picture for the photo challenge I am doing...........  

I am not a big fan of "nature" pics -- especially of flowers -- so to amuse myself I did some editing of the above picture and came up with this.........

Last night to alleviate my problem finding "nature" pics for the next 4 days I went to
  a local conservation area and went for a long walk with my camera -- I think I am good for 4 more nature pics........... I hope

Friday, August 26, 2016


Know what is hot for me -- turns me on???
Kneeling -- picturing myself kneeling at Hands feet.  Yeah I know probably doesn't do much for you -- but me?? god it turns me to jelly.

There was a discussion yesterday on FL that I got mentioned in (which is why I read it -- I honestly have given up reading anything on Fet these days -- but that's another post)

Someone said that you can't be a masochist AND a submissive ..... WTF???!!!  
I can't even wrap my head around someone who believes such nonsense!  I know what I am and no one can change it with some uneducated opinion!  I can amp down my masochism but I cannot amp down the submissive side of me.........which is why images of me kneeling at Hands feet turn me on more than the thought of a beating.  AND yet if I am being beaten I can take as much as he wants to give me............ and absolutely love it.

Mind you (cheeky grin) Hands did mention something the other day about barbed wire wrapped around my dildo -- now THAT I think might just push my masochist limits!!


IF I have to do a 7 day Nature photo challenge -- you folks have to see my daily submissions -- only seems fair ya know???

I present today's picture..............

I'm rather proud of my feather floating in the lake .............

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