Symbolic message

It was suggested to me early yesterday morning that I get a strip of paper -- write a specific message on it and carry it on me all day - right up till bedtime.  

The concept made me smile ...... it was (I thought) a way of keeping me focused / grounded and a little bit curious.  

Half way through the morning I got another message that clearly explained the symbolic message I was carrying.  I laughed out loud -- some people have breath taking ways of focusing my mind.

The rest of the day seemed easier in many ways -- I had only to feel the strip of paper to refocus my mind........not sure that it focused exactly on what I should have been dealing with -- but it was focused !!

Yesterday was a lesson (in many different ways) on how a simple suggestion can redirect one's thinking - one's way of overcoming -- and how clever some people are!

 

Last Hurdle

Well I am down to 3 months till I retire.  AND I still have not sold my house.  Two weeks ago I had someone ring my doorbell.  When I opened the door it was a family who wanted to see the house.  I explained that there was an open house the next day and they should come back then........... but they were so insistent on seeing the house right then and there that I let them in.

Now they didn't have a strong understanding of the English language - nor did they have any french....... and trust me when I say I didn't speak their mother tongue (though i would love to ) 

Anyway they came in and went through it.... and they even came back to the open house and spoke with my agent.  They had told me they HAD to have this house.  They told my agent they HAD to have this house.

Two weeks later my agent was still jumping through hoops trying to get them to sign on the dotted line.  (le sigh)

Despite their seeming lack of understanding of our language - they found someone to take them to see other homes in the area.  They started back pedaling on this house.  (It is a major buyer's market right now - with 30+ homes just like mine in the same area - on the market) 

Finally on Tuesday they made an offer.  A low offer.  

But my agent did her homework - and I did mine.  The price of homes in my area have dropped by 20,000 to 30,000$ since the fall!!!  and the ones that are still on the market are the ones who are living in some seller's fantasy land.

So I counter offered - and they countered offer - but their counter was their final price.  My agent agreed to drop her commission some so the difference wasn't too great.  I signed the counter offer.

Now before you all start jumping up and down for joy for me........... they don't have a mortgage yet.  And that could be a major stumbling block. (according to my agent) HE has only held a job here in the Great White North for 2 years - the banks prefer 3 years with the same company.   On the plus side - they do however have 40,000$ cash to put down........ and they have ordered a "home inspection" to take place tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. 

I am worried about the house inspection.  This is an older home (30 years older) ...... it needs some work for sure !!!  I am worried it won't pass the inspection and I may NEVER sell it !!

BUT 

if it does pass (by some miracle ) and they do get a mortgage (by some miracle) I will be outta here June 1st.

I could use some real strong karma - good vibes - prayers whatever it is you do........... cause this is my last hurdle ...................... I am so damn close I can taste it !!!  

March 20th

No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow.  ~Proverb

I knew - though it didn't register - that the day after my doctor's appointment was the first day of spring.  It was hard to see the spring through the snow storm that ravaged my world on Tuesday..... very hard.  It was hard to see anything positive on that day. 

And then the words "benign" registered and spring sprung - full bloom in my mind. The world is full of possibilities and promises.

And more of the same

We are heading off this afternoon - back to Kingston - for some more house hunting/shopping.

Thankfully I won't have my laptop to bring with me - so I won't be tempted to tell you all about the "most perfect house we just found" ............ 

I was remembering this morning how many "duds" I saw before I found this one....... and all the "duds" were ok houses......... this lil house however was perfect.  So here's hoping there is the "perfect" home waiting for us in Kingston.

We will be attending yet another munch this evening.  I can't help but think Kingston has the most munches of any city I have ever been in!!!  When we finally get settled in we won't be lacking for BDSM company that's for sure !!

I'll be back on Saturday - unless the unexpected happens......... whatever the unexpected could be..............

We're off

..........NOT that kind of "off"!!!   

By the time you read this we will probably be in the car heading off to Kingston for 3 days.  

Our plan is to arrive in time for a "coffee/lunch munch" at 11:00 and by 2:30 be meeting with our new real estate agent....and by 3:00 be looking at homes for sale.

My plan (the best laid plans of mice and men as the saying goes) is to find the PERFECT home in these three days - make an offer - buy it - and come home with it all taken care of.

Did I ever tell you I am the eternal optimist??!!

Wish us luck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And to all my American friends..............

Happy 4th of July !!!!

Endings

The picture above caught my eye because it said "endings......... waiting" (well that's what I saw/read when I first glanced at it) and I thought that pretty much describes my life right now.... I am waiting for the endings............ 

But then I read the faint writing and realized it actually said " Endings are just beginnings waiting to happen"........... and it seemed a whole lot less scary and final.......... which I really needed to change my state of mind........... 

You see.......... my lil PreK out on the Island is going to close this June - after 20 years of being there.......... being a rock for the community ........ being my pride and joy... being the thorn in my side ... and of course being my impetus to learn/master accounting/math.

I have tried everything even resorting to begging........... but there is no small corner to rent anywhere.............. AND......... as I really only wanted to keep it open for one more year... 2 at the very most .......... it is time to let go .. to close it down....... to say goodbye.

Then after many years of talking about it........ W's house is going on the market this week.  He is selling and moving away...... 3 hours away ...... he is worried too about this ending.......... He has always lived (60 years of living) in the same town .......... and he is pulling up roots and moving away.  It really is a daunting proposition for everyone who does it - but more so for him ... after so long............ 

Then I am left working out my last 20 months or so alone.......... marking time till I will put my house on the market and follow him........... leaving my home town of 60+ years - my family - my job - my security and all that I know.  

The hardest thing for me is leaving the security of my job.........knowing every two weeks a pay cheque would arrive - and I would be set for the next two weeks.  I have crunched numbers till my brain hurts...... I have seen a financial adviser ........ I have stressed and cried and pulled my hair out - but the facts are the facts......retirement is going to be tight.............. 

On the plus side - cause ya know - if you look hard enough you will always find some pluses........... 
W and I will be together 24/7.......... in a lovely lil house that we will buy together...... 
We are already finding and setting down roots in the BDSM community in our new city.
I won't have to be crawling out of bed every morning before the sun rises 
I will be able to finally start taking my photography classes
I will be able to clean my house during the daylight hours and do laundry and baking and cooking like civilized folk....... and care for my W the way I have always wanted to...
AND (cheeky grin) I won't have to buy clothes cause W says I will finally be naked all the time ...... (of course the heating bill for the house will be bloody high - I don't "do" cold........ )

And so we are starting the "Ending" and preparing for a brand new "beginning"......

A moment in time........

I had a draining day yesterday... nothing very serious or out of the ordinary ( as the saying goes "same shit different day") Nevertheless,  I was glad to leave the noise and confusion and climb into my lil car and head home.

I didn't even put the radio on.. just drove through the darkness ... letting the day's stresses and problems leave my mind.  I was sorta / kinda driving by rote.. not paying much attention ... when I landed up behind a city bus stopped at a red light.

I don't know how long I sat there not really "seeing" anything except the darkness..... when something drew my attention to the back window of the bus.  There was a woman's profile framed in the window... and she was talking earnestly to someone out of view.  I was wondering what she was discussing so seriously and with whom.. and found myself being drawn into the one sided drama going on in front of me.

When suddenly another face popped into the window frame.. a young child laughing .. and he (or she) leaned into the woman who was talking and kissed her ...... they both laughed .... 

The light turned green the bus turned the corner and my attention was drawn back to the driving and away from the bus window.......... but somehow that interlude .. that cameo of human interaction... lifted my spirits ... left me smiling and feeling that everything was all right with the world............

Fingers crossed

When one is going through a pile of crap - it really is hard to see any sort of light at the end of the tunnel....... it's pretty damn hard to see anything happy or good ........ 

BUT bad things can NOT keep happening - eventually things have to turn around... 
OR start to turn around............ 

Eventually the good things that ARE going on around you begin to break through the total darkness that has become your life - and if you are anything like me - when the first beam of hope/light/sunshine peeks through you grab it and hang on for all it's worth.

Through all my tears and black mood this past week........... W and i have been emailing......... which is the same (at least for me) as talking.  And slowly very slowly - i feel we are starting to make some headway.....

i have my fingers crossed.......... 


(and my toes and my eyes  and my .................) 


We are gonna do this ....... i know we are !!!

Just crap

Right after my surgery when all the problems began........ my surgeon sent me a prescription for the equivalent of metamucil ....... I tried to take the damn stuff - twice a day.  It was like drinking sand - orange tasting sand.  It was totally gross and after just 3 doses I stopped it.  It was gonna kill me I swear !!

Then when I saw my family doctor after being in hospital for so long... she changed my diet.. and my meds... and she suggested I try metamucil.  I gagged at the thought.

But after weeks and weeks of gut wrenching pain and well.... politely put.. the runs....... I decided to try it.  W had told me that there was some with no taste or grit.  Honestly it's not that I don't believe him.. it's that I don't believe the advertising.  But when I was in the drugstore ...... trying to shore up my resolve to buy some...... I saw that they carried fiber in pill form.  YAY!!!  Needless to say I bought the pills....... with added calcium seeing as I am not allowed any dairy.

Now the pills are huge....... HUGE i say !!  and i have to take up to 20 a day (I am at 6 and holding) But it has fascinated me what a change this fiber has brought to my life.  (Yeah yeah a lecture on the joys of fiber!!)  It is supposed to make you "regular" well I was more than regular trust me... like every half hour 24 hours a day for a few weeks..... then finally getting down to 10 - 12 times a day.  Now ......... NOW..... only twice a day..... with no pain.

I said to W in an email (we have no secrets - even if he wished THIS topic was a secret) that I am surprised by how much crap I have in my body....... twice a day crap.


Now there is a point to this.............if you can follow my 'bouncing ball' .......... I wish they made an orange sand drink - or preferably pills - that can wash the crap and pain out of one's life as easily!  We all carry so much crap around inside of us.... weighing us down ... making us feel heavy - stooped shoulders from carrying the weight of the world.  And the pain this crap causes us!!!  Worse than the gut pain I had........ (ok maybe not .... that pain was pretty damn bad - but pain nevertheless) 


Life would be so much easier if all we had to do was take a couple of pills or glasses or sand and wash it all away.  But life wasn't supposed to be easy - someone told me that once.  We are supposed to grow stronger from the difficulties we face and survive.  We are supposed to become better people.  


I believe that.   I really do.  and yeah Buffalo most of the time I wear rose coloured glasses...... but honestly I do believe we become stronger people ....... more experienced people by facing the crap life slings at us and working our way through it.  It helps to have people around us supporting us.... but sometimes we don't.  I have done both.. worked through crap with loving supporting folks.. and done it alone.  But I worked my way through...... and here I am!!  Not perfect ...... far from it......... but marching along life's road to adventure with a spring in my step and hope in my heart.

Fiber any one?? 

 

Pet Peeve......

Ok.. so enough of the self flagellation.. hair shirts and public humiliation.......


my dear friend swan - over on the Heron Clan - left this comment for me yesterday.....
"I was struck by the RED color references in your post, and I wondered what it might mean to be so immersed in a particular color... So I checked, and here's what I found:

Red is the color of fire and blood, so it is associated with energy, war, danger, strength, power, determination as well as passion, desire, and love.

Red is a very emotionally intense color. It enhances human metabolism, increases respiration rate, and raises blood pressure. It has very high visibility, which is why stop signs, stoplights, and fire equipment are usually painted red. In heraldry, red is used to indicate courage. It is a color found in many national flags.

...In advertising, red is often used to evoke erotic feelings (red lips, red nails, red-light districts, 'Lady in Red', etc). Red is widely used to indicate danger (high voltage signs, traffic lights). This color is also commonly associated with energy...

Light red represents joy, sexuality, passion, sensitivity, and love.
Pink signifies romance, love, and friendship. It denotes feminine qualities and passiveness.
Dark red is associated with vigor, willpower, rage, anger, leadership, courage, longing, malice, and wrath."

i will credit her .. and my day in the summer sunshine.. for my desire to move on here on The Journey.......... close the back stage curtains... and come out front stage and get on with "things" :)

(phewwwwwwwwwww aren't you all glad that spasm / hiccup is over??)

While i am on the topic of comments........... and before i get to my Pet Peeve... there are no words to describe the out pouring of support, caring, and virtual hugs that i have received over the last couple of weeks....no words to properly thank you all for your comments and emails. No words to tell you how much they touched my heart.. or how they made me cry.. thank you each and every one of you !!! and please forgive me for not writing to each of you individually - i was just not up to writing........ and when the sky started to clear - well i just didn't know what to say........ (but i am working on that !!)

Ok.. so now... my Pet Peeve........

i really do hate .......... HATE ........ back stabbers.... people who look you in the face and say one thing.. then the minute your back is turned .. say something completely different..

i encounter people like that a lot........... at work mostly.. but yeah in my private life too....

Most of the time i try to let it all run off my back like water off a duck's back....... except for a comment the other day by the infamous "anonymous" who wrote "you have hurt others"........... no name.. no connection... just 4 little words. And it isn't the first time that the infamous "anonymous" has left such comments on my blog... usually i dump 'em....... but this time i left it.. mainly cause i had every intention of touching on it......... ok ok more than touching on it.

Enough already with the sneaking around like a thief in the night...... all of you ... for god's sakes grow a back bone.. stand up and be counted !!! IF i have done something to hurt you.. or if you don't agree with me.. for god's sakes face me and tell me....... stop whining about it behind my back..... leaving inneundos around hoping i might see them or hear them.. Grow a back bone i say !! stand up to me and tell me what you think........ honestly and openly..........

And give me the chance to explain .......... or apologize......... or tell you to go to hell.. but give me a chance.

ok.. getting down off my soap box.. putting it away...from now on.. i will go back to dumping anonymous comments that spew forth hurt and disdain.....be warned !!

Now i am off to work.. 4 more working days till my summer officially begins !!! and then .. with all that time on my hands........who knows.. i might just turn out an installment or two for the Fictional Journey.. find a picture or two for the Photojournal.........

A Day off.....

i am sitting out here in my secret garden... on my wicker chair with the red cushions.. under my red umbrella.. enjoying my red accent flowers in the garden.,.. listening to the birds singing.. the squirrels playing tag....... and realizing summer is so close i can taste it.......

There are a whole mess of words/thoughts flying through my head... but i am hesitant to write some of them... because when i am working things out... when the hurt is done and the work begins.. i tend to go inwards and quiet.

BUT i did want to say a word or two on 'rules' ....... something i have alluded to in past blog entries..

we all use words/terms that have meaning for us.. but may not hold the same meaning for you.. or others...

A good example is when i talk about the voices i hear... no i don't actually "hear" voices.. i do however remember words spoken in past relationships...which .. if i start on that topic will end me up on a tangent meant for another day.......

So back to rules

Perhaps they aren't rules so much as expectations Sir has ........

an expectation that i won't argue with every single thing He suggests/says..

or the expectation that i will wear the leather collar He had made for me..

or the expectation that i will report when i am home safe and sound..

or ask for permission to spend money on trivial items..

or take care of His dietary needs as well as His medicines ...

or do what He asks of me immediately without a debate..

or have interesting meals ready at the proper time..


in a nutshell .. to be gracious and graceful and submissive.

Once upon a time.. .a therapist suggested that perhaps my relationships were all pretty much the same.. because i kept repeating patterns....

Once upon a time.. my mother used to say that i couldn't be right all the time and everyone else wrong all the time..

i think my mother had it right.. and the therapist wrong..



It isn't easy to admit to the 'world' that i have screwed up in a big way.. it isn't easy to admit to Sir that i have (once again) screwed up in a big way........ but it is even more difficult to admit to myself that i have been wrong.,, more than once.. and it is time to suck it up.. take responsibility for my mistakes and bloody FIX them !!


And that is what i have been thinking in my secret garden.. under the red umbrella surrounded by red flowers and singing birds.......

Dreams

i posted an entry about dreams (not fantasies - not sleepy dreams but aspiration dreams) .. and how they are so important... and it rambled long and weary... i erased it. It really did sound too much like a lecture. and i get paid for lecturing.. and i don't get paid to lecture here.. AND.. i am not too sure you come here to be lectured...

Often times we push our "dreams" to the side because we couldn't possibly do THAT.. or because we are afraid... afraid of failure.. afraid of ridicule.. or just plain afraid.

i tell my kiddies at school "shoot for the moon - even if you miss you will land amongst the stars!!"

IF you have ever pushed a dream aside .. because.. just because... Please take five minutes from your day... hit this link... and go watch someone pursuing their dream - despite the fear of failure - despite the fear of ridicule .. despite everything..

"i dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living"