Friday, March 31, 2006

cranky week

Don't ask me why but i have been one VERY cranky sub this week!!

Maybe part of the reason was i didn't sleep well....... and was burning the candle a bit at both ends....... maybe it was because .. other than Tuesday night - no playing went on here ...... and maybe some of it was because my Sir was a little preoccupied with some touchy subjects at His end........ who knows WHY?! But i was.

And then on Wednesday - for whatever reason - the seat of my jeans just disintegrated!! At work!! Thank god i had a long jacket on. i was retelling the story to Sir .. and saying something to the effect .. "and of course my bare ass was hanging out" (cause i am not allowed to wear underpants ) and Sir says " BUT you had your extra pair of panties in your purse ............ RIGHT???!!" And we both knew i didn't.... and of course that is a punishable offense. Soooooooooo all day Thursday i had to wear my underpants to work........ but they had to be on backwards!!!

Now trust me folks when i say there is nothing more uncomfortable.. more itchy.. more irritating than having your underpants on backwards!!! And combine that with the fact that my clit jewelry tends to keep getting caught up in the crotch (when they are backwards) and tugging my clit seven ways to Sunday ........ Thursday was .. to put it mildly.. an awkward day to get through. i sent Sir an email from work mid day saying simply "wiggle wiggle" .. i knew He would understand the hidden message..... and i thought might get a smile out of it........ Last night He brought up the fact of the email and i whined very nicely about how miserable the backwards panties made me feel..... and He said "good then you can do it again on Friday"......... i said "HUH??!! i didn't do anything wrong??? " And Sir's response was " I can order it and it shall be .. right?" and of course He is right.. and of course i will suffer through another day of my underpants on backwards........

And trust me.... there will always be at least one pair of underpants in my purse from now on......... maybe 2 .. just to be on the safe side !!!!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

A theory

i have this theory....... probably a little weird.. but it is MY theory.......... and that is that my sex drive is a bit like a pump..... if you prime it and keep it well used it drips and leaks and works just fine...... if you ignore it.. it needs a whole mess of priming to work properly.

Before Sir .. before rules about masturbation etc..... i would use one of my toys (they don't call it a toy box for nothing !!!) regularily .. at least once a day.......... then along came rules and i learned it was humiliating to ask for permission to masturbate...... and so i stopped. From time to time sexual play has taken a back seat to other forms of play....... or a back seat to "life". And now i find that i don't crave sex the same as i did.........

Some days it worries me......... i worry that having reached "an age" when some women dry up and (in my humble opinion) wither away that i will follow in their footsteps...... More than once i have told Sir i worry i will literally and figuratively dry up. He has always been reassuring that that won't happen.... but still the thought haunts me.

Last night in our chat online i was feeling bored and restless.. and Sir was preoccupied a bit ....... as i said to Sir in my private journal..... "i was surfing and sulking"........ when He read my mind.. and told me to go and get my favourite toy and masturbate. There was a restriction though... i was not allowed to cum. Well for nearly 50 minutes i masturbated .. stopping and starting as the urge to cum grew too strong......... i was so sure that just before i was sent for my bath and bed that Sir would tell me i had permission to cum.........
SURPRISE !! SURPRISE !! SURPRISE !! The order came......... bath and bed....... followed by "DO NOT CUM" and so i went to bed with a throbbing clit and a dripping pussy...... and i do believe that was a first! There was something special about slipping into bed feeling aroused and not being able to satisfy that need.

Sir is priming my pump..........showing me that there is still a long way to go before i dry up and wither away........

and for those inquiring minds.......... this is my FAVOURITE toy.......... absolute favourite !!!!

Monday, March 27, 2006

Pin Head

Sir decided i needed some needling on the weekend.. and all i can say .. even now 2 days later... is "WOW".

After .. i don't know.. maybe one or two needles i was so relaxed and comfy and full of warm fuzzies. i didn't even realize when Sir stopped putting the needles in.. i didn't even realize He was writing on my ass.. and i most definitely didn't even know when He took pictures. If i had been more aware i would have whined and pouted that He put only a few needles in........but it just didn't seem to matter. Sir hit the "relax" button in my ass .. and i was relaxed !!!! Later in the afternoon when i got out of my shower and was toweling myself off i caught a glimpse of a "mark" on my ass.. i turned towards the mirror to see if i could get a better look........ and yes there was writing on my ass!!!!

Just call me "pin head"...........

AND.......... i have added a needling picture to the photojournal blog....... it isn't me........ but maybe one day i will have that many needles !!! WOW imagine how relaxed i will be then!!!


Now onto something a little bit different.........
i have this "thing" about bloggers i read daily......... and i have this "thing" when bloggers just up and disappear.......... that is the case with Gabriel and kaylem of "Once Bitten" minute their blog was there.. and the next .. poof .. gone! yes yes i know they just had a new baby.... and life can get hectic and busy..... but i was wondering if anyone knew where they went? if they are ok??
and a little plea to others i read............. please! before you decide to take your blog down .. for whatever personal reason........ could you just post a little "goodbye"???? sighhhhhhh so many of my favourite blogs have just up and disappeared.. Lisa of Lessons Learned.. minion....... magadala... and now Once Bitten....... just a little goodbye please???????

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Angry monsters

and by angry monsters i do NOT mean the ones that hide under the bed or in the cupboard after lights out.......

i spent a good part of my life with angry monsters around me... lots of loud voices.. lots of tempers.. lots of arguments. i found it all very tiring and scary and it usually made me quite sick to my stomach.

When - a few years back - i moved here to the lil condo in the city - i promised myself there would be no angry monsters allowed in my house. No raised voices - no arguments - i would cultivate a quiet peaceful retreat for myself and anyone who ventured here.

Yesterday Sir and i had plans to meet up with some friends (ex BDSM - now vanilla couple) and share some dinner and an evening of light conversation, laughter and some board games. It all started off fine.. at least i think it did.... but somewhere between Boardwalk and Park Place things started to go array.

Now we all have our "monsters" inside.. most of us have managed to "tame" these monsters or at the very least cage them. Last evening some fun words went a bit too far......... feelings were hurt ......... it seemed as though a hurrican blew threw that tiny house...... toppling everything in its path........ destroying the peace and tranquility and something so much more.......Maybe it was all an illusion - the picture i had .......... maybe the hurricane of anger just blew that illusion away...whatever it was......... Sir and i left........ it was hard to do.. and even harder not to do........... We retreated to the sanctity and peace of my lil condo in the city.

scary stuff those monsters who don't hide under the bed or in the cupboard.........

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Quite a week!!!

It has been quite a week for me....... thinking thinking thinking.. i was searching my heart and my soul for answers to what kind of submissive i wanted to be.. but it was so much more than that........ and i had made lots of mistakes along the road to enlightenment..... the worse one i made was comparing myself .. my situation .. to other submissives both in real time and on the net...... i kept finding myself coming up short (in my opinion!!) ugh.. what a mess i landed myself in......

i worked through a lot of my feelings of inadequacy... and landed up with what i thought was a good essay.. a good place to start to work through these feelings of inadequacy...............

and then............ well.......... as a tag line from a blog i read says ...........
"just when i think i have it all figured out.... i live another day and life gets complicated"

i am not so sure .. now that i think about it.. if life got complicated or a whole lot clearer............doesn't really matter.... actually.. life morphed and changed again.. and i am still here.. still kneeling at Sir's feet..

One thing i put down in my essay to Sir was a "bitch" of a sort that He has backed off on the things i dislike.... a large amount of time i feel as though THIS is all about me.. and ugh.. i hate that!!! i told Him i wanted more pain that is for His pleasure not mine.. i told Him i wanted more humiliation - which is most definitely for His pleasure.... and He heard me.. loud and clear........

Yesterday we were visiting with our friend Cloud....... and the discussion came round to sex.. and orgasm denial .. and squirting subs.. and all manner of intimate details........ and Sir and Cloud were comparing squirting subs.. and i added (laughing in the remembering) how the last time i squirted.. i squirted so much i formed puddles in my slippers .. Sir turned to me and said "show Cloud".. i was dumbfounded (and thought about the first rule of being a good subbie - subbies should be seen and not heard!!! and wished i had bitten my tongue) .. i quietly pointed out to Sir that i never ever am able to make myself squirt !!!! So Sir had me stand by His side.. bend over His lap and yanked my pants down and after a couple of good smacks to the bum.. He proceeded to work on getting me to squirt............. i nearly DIED!!!! If there had been a hole to climb into i would have....... and of course because i was so mortified there was no way in hell Sir was gonna get me to cum never mind squirt.. i was as dry as the desert and as tight as a virgin. (mind you almost 3 weeks of no sexual play can do that to me)... Sir dropped the issue..... (thank goodness!!)

Later in the evening.. Sir told me to hug the chair! as He felt like some target practice.

Out came the snake whip .. and my bare ass.. and target practice commenced. And that is just what it was...... target practice.... i wasn't allowed to bitch or complain.. i wasn't allowed to fly.. i was just a target for Sir to practice on.. to get His swing arm back up and running again....

And ya know what???!!! it felt GREAT.... as the whip was cracking and landing and cutting and hurting.. my mind opened up to all the possibilities .. to all the really good stuff that goes on here .. in our relationship......... i have always known who and what i am!! i just lost sight of it for a little while .. in the glare.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

light bulb moment

Over the last few days i have been reading my blogs...... and thinking... and trying very hard to figure out what type of submissive i wish to become........ This morning i read on The English Gentleman’s blog........ His description of 7 types of submissives.

What i read kinda bugged me all day......... i found i kept asking myself which type are you and which type do you wish to become??? Then i found my mind reviewing all the different types of submissives - or slaves - or whatever you wish to call them - that i read on a regular basis. And i kept asking myself which one are you like now?? which one do you wish to become more like???

Then driving home this afternoon.. i had a foot stamping major temper tantrum!!! How can anyone catagorize submissives into different distinct types???!!! Yeah yeah - i know there are definitions out there on the net.. in real life... bottom versus submissive versus slave .. etc etc etc... (gag me with a pitch fork!!) All these definitions .. all these different types.......... who gets to decide all these levels of submission.. all these different catagories?? What if i want to be a little bit of all of them??? what does that make me??? screwed up?? mixed up?? half breed??

At the end of the drive home... i realized how simple it really is....... i want to be a little bit of each of them. Buried deep inside of me .. like the spring bulbs ready to burst forth with a little bit of encouragement from the sun and the warmer weather - is my very own submissive bulb. With warmth and caring and nurturing it too will blossom forth and create a unique flower of submissiveness... NOW i am ready to write that essay task for my Sir........... NOW i am ready to await the spring blossoming..........

Monday, March 20, 2006


i am pooped.. bone weary.. exhausted... drained.. brain dead.

And i keep asking myself.. how did i get this tired???

i have a task to complete for Sir....... the what i want from this relationship task.... i have been thinking till my "thinker" hurts......... it all has to do with what kind of submissive i am.. what kind i want to be.. what my dreams are.. what my fears are....... it is the most difficult task Sir has ever set for me..........

And all i can think is how tired i am..................

Saturday, March 18, 2006

the many sides of ........ ME

This week i have worn so many different hats i think i have a permanent headache....... i have been nurse, teacher, administrator, boss, friend, mom grandma ....... no where in that list though is "submissive". Ohhhhh i know i have been submissive in my caring for Sir... BUT it has been difficult to "see" or "feel" that submissiveness...

i had great plans of how i was gonna sit by my Sir's side until they took Him down for the surgery, i was gonna be sitting by His side when they brought Him back to recovery......... after all.. the paper from the day surgery department said i could !!! Only thing is that was someone else's reality.. sure as the devil was not mine.......... For nearly 5 hours i sat by myself in a waiting room just waiting to hear some word on how Sir was doing.. no one came to tell me anything.. and when i asked .. i was brushed off and basically told to go and sit down. It was a long long day......... Over 7 hours long......... BUT He is home now and i am fetching and carrying and caring......... which is submissive right????

In the midst of that turmoil... i also had an audit done at school this week........ not my first one.. won't be my last one.... but i hate how the woman who does these audits seems to delight in finding errors.... looks for them with a magnifying glass.. is not happy till she actually finds one...........IF we taught the children the same way.. we would be turning out a group of children with very low self esteem and no confidence in themselves as learners....... (btw.. she didn't find any errors in my audit.. and i just felt like sticking my tongue out at her!!)

And then there were a couple of serious crises at work that required that i listen and listen and listen some more.. until my ears hurt..

And then to top it all off nicely.... Sir and i have been watching a relatively new BDSM relationship develop between some friends......... and this relationship has made me question my level of submissiveness.... Now Sir has set a task.. i must write an essay for Him - by the end of March - that details "what i want out of being His submissive". This is going to be a daunting task.... it is going to force me to look at past demons and ghosts .. get past them and see what lies ahead ............

i am feeling an awful lot like a leaf blowing about in the winter winds....... lost and alone and fragile............

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

It's time

Today is the day ... Sir is going into hospital for His operation..... i wrote about it back in November... Welllllll it has taken this long to get a bed .. the doctor and the operating schedule all on the same page and ready for Sir...... It is day surgery (hell everything is day surgery now!!) so i will drive Sir in and bring Him home when it is all over........

and i get to play "nurse".... i keep having all these evil evil thoughts - all those "stop mother blankety blank blank blank" sessions keep coming to mind... i get to "nurse" my Sir for a couple of days......... and you all know nurses... they don't take "no" for an answer do they?? "how are WE today??" said sweetly as they plunge a blunt needle into one's derriere....... whipping off bandages that yank off body hair in the most sensitive of places......... all the while smiling sweetly .. even angelically..... ohhhhhhhh yeahhhh i can be a "good" nurse for my Sir...
ohhhhhh did i forget to mention I C E?? i am sure Sir will need to be iced regularily....

But in all seriousness... if you feel so inclined.. keep a good thought for my Sir today so He will be as fit as a fiddle again ......... i keep reminding myself.. even a Stratovarius needed a tuning every once in a while !!

Monday, March 13, 2006

Good things

"All good things come to those who wait........ "

my grandmother used to say that all the time to me... and she was right. It had been awhile since Sir took me downstairs and hung me from the rafters and played with me till i was filled up and over flowing.......... and Saturday afternoon that is just what Sir did...... filled me up to overflowing.

Sir used a new gag He bought .. sort of like a horse's bit... sort of...... i hate gags.. i hate drooling.. i will all but break my jaw to push those damn gags out and swallow my spit...... i loved this new gag... i wonder why....... it felt right in my mouth.. for some reason it was humiliating.. more so than the other gags.. it made me feel small and insignificant.. and ohhhhhhh so wonderful all at the same time...

i hated that Sir tied my feet together.. i hated feeling unbalanced... i hated feeling out of control......... i hated the bite of the rope .... it hurt!! the ropes left deep purple grooves in my ankles.. when Sir took me down some 90 minutes or so later .. i felt like i was going to fall.. i couldn't balance.. i didn't care.. it just felt wonderful and right.......

i hated the bite of the snake whip.... (damn thing could have stayed alone in the bag!!) it made me want to dance an irish jig but when it kissed my back it felt oh so wonderful.. the floggers were cruel and brutal.. the circus whip cracked and tore at my ass.... the leather V cut and bit and made me scream into the gag... and all of it.. every last inch of every last toy felt ohhhhhhhh so wonderful

And kneeling at my Sir's feet when it was over... thanking Him... my heart so full.. the fairies dancing and laughing and sprinkling their fairy dust ... and my Sir moving around behind me.. pushing my head down further into the floor.. forcing my ass higher.. feeling His fingers slide into the wetness that was me.. spilling down my legs... feeling His fingers find that secret place deep inside of me.. feeling Him tickle it and tease it.. hearing my moans... feeling the tightening of my belly.. hearing me gasp out those embarassing words.. "please Sir.. please!! may i cum!!!" Hearing Him answer "yes" feeling the flood gates open and the joy overflowing .. leaving puddles on the floor.. even when i managed to stand .. the "joy" still flowing out of me.. puddling in my slippers..

curling up on my pillow.. sated and full and content and purringgggggg... and thinking " all good things do indeed come to those who wait"........

Saturday, March 11, 2006


i was expecting an alone weekend.. Sir had to work Friday and Saturday AND Sunday. So after lunch on Friday i decided to spoil myself with a nice long hot bubble bath.... i had just settled in when i heard the front door open....... Sir had come anyway! and more than coming for the weekend (despite all the driving He is going to have to do) He announced we were going out to visit Cloud and minion for the evening!!

It fascinated me how easily i slipped into high protocol mode at Cloud and minion's (maybe being with like minded folks helped.. who knows??!!) from taking Sir's coat.. removing His boots... waiting for permission to enter a room...... kneeling as i brought Him His cake and coffee offering them to Him ......... it was all so easy.. even after all this time of less than high protocol living. He had told me to pack the snake whip (just in case).... all evening despite the good conversation and wonderful company.. my mind would stray to the bag tucked away in the back room with the blue snake whip coiled up .. all alone. My mind was playing tricks on me.. i could hear it calling to me.. but it had to stay tucked away .. alone.

At points during the evening .. and again this morning.. i felt alone with my thoughts.. my beliefs.. my philosophies... Sometimes it is hard to take the path of more resistance versus the path of least resistance. It tends to make one feel alone.

This morning Sir left early to go to work..... and i am left alone. The blue snake whip is still coiled up alone in the bag from last night. Sir left with a promise.. "the sooner I leave.. the sooner I return and get to whip your ass" He said as i closed the door...... Standing alone in the foyer His voice echoed...... "whip my ass".... alone i am left to contemplate that whipping... it is a long time in coming.. not expected.. and becoming scary. The blue snake whip is calling to me again.. alone in its bag........ i can hear it!

Alone can be a good thing.. especially when there is a promise of a whipping with the blue snake whip...... then neither of us will be alone....... and the fairies will come too..............

Friday, March 10, 2006


Sir ordered me the other night.. to stop cleaning and take a day off....... enjoy some pampering time......... well pampering to me is playing with my pc.. with my blog.. with pictures .. cleaning up the hard drive etc... in mucking about on my hard drive i found a multitude of pictures - no not just of me!!! And i had this brainwave.......

YIKES!! caution ahead.. subbie with brainwave !!!

i decided to start a "sub" blog to this one.. (and yeah i meant to use the pun!) If you look to your right you will discover something that says "NEW FEATURE" and directly underneath is a link to this "sub blog". On this blog i intend to post from time to time.. BDSM pictures - sort of like an art gallery for your enjoyment.

Now please be warned !!! these pictures will ALL be of a BDSM nature and may not be to everyone's liking. AND it is most definitely an adult only site! BUT it will not be pornography..... sorry no pics of me giving blowjobs!!! (cheeky grin)......

i welcome everyone to drop by .. take a look .. relax and enjoy.........

Thursday, March 09, 2006


some broad winks at him and tells him she gives the best head in the world

i received an email today with the above line in it.... and i sat there and laughed... made me think about what the sexes brag about.... men about the size of their .. umm.. cocks... and women about how good a blowjob they can give and i heard myself saying (in answer to that line in the email) well i DO give pretty damn good blowjobs .. thank you very much !!!

Now most of you are probably wondering what the devil i am going on about...... welllll i realized i haven't laughed much all week.. and how good it felt to laugh....... and it made me think about blowjobs........

See... when i met Sir i didn't DO blowjobs.. no way no how! HARD LIMIT!!! RED RED RED!!! BUT somehow it was really really important to me to push that hard limit... and stop screaming RED! why You ask?? (ok ok i am assuming here) .... because Sir gave me the most mind blowing orgasms and it didn't always involve using His ummm cock. And that kind of pleasure had to be returned.... in spades!!!!

So i decided i had to learn how to give blowjobs.. not good blowjobs.. but GREAT blowjobs. Now this is definitely NOT something a good lil WASP goes around asking her friends and family..... definitely NOT! So what was i to do? What any good.. semi literate computer geek should do....... i googled it! yup.. "how to give good blowjobs".

i found the very best descriptions on the homosexual sites......... hey who better to teach blowjobs than a male??? For the life of me i can't remember the urls...... sorry folks! BUT i do remember learning a whole mess of things about the male anatomy... specially the ummm cock. i read and believe it or not.. i made notes. This was a project with a capital "P".

And i slowly practiced on Sir.... at one point i remember closing my eyes and visualizing my notes.. (don't laugh .. it's true!!) and my poor Sir never commented on the stop and start quality of those first few attempts... He just patted my head and assured me i was doing fine.......... gotta love a patient Sir. Now what was the point to all this??? i am not really sure to be honest.... maybe that everyone can learn something new......... maybe the benefits of Google.. maybe just maybe that patience does win out every time............

Anyone for a blowjob??????

Wednesday, March 08, 2006


Is there a natural conflict between D/s and the modern world??

If you look at the principles of a D/s relationship you will find a huge connection to the way things were...... in the 50's and before. The female.. or the sub.. gives over certain rights (depending on the relationship) and caters totally and completely to making sure her Dom has everything He needs and wants and more. She cooks and cleans and does laundry and all household tasks without a murmur of dissent. Oh i could go on.. but just picture "Father knows best" or any TV show from the 50's..... or any household from that time. i know .. i was raised in the 50's. My first introduction to D/s came at my Father's feet. He was Lord and Master and my mother did anything and everything to please Him.

Ok.. fast forward to the 60's .......... bra burning and women's lib. Hell i was in the front lines of every march. And i learned that i was as good as any male.... the world was at my feet and i could do anything i wanted to. It was a battle that was hard fought.........

Fast forward again to the here and now.......... do you see where i am going with this?? i am back kneeling at a man's feet.... giving over control to Him... waiting for Him to walk through the door as though my life cannot have any colour or joy without Him in it! i chose this.. i balance this subservient attitude with my stubborn beliefs that all people are created equal and are entitled to the same benefits and rights. i fight for every woman's right to a higher education in science and maths.. not just in the social sciences! (There is bias STILL in the education system people!)

i firmly and stubbornly believe that boys as well as girls should learn to cook and clean and take care of themselves.. cause if they can't take care of themselves how in god's name are they gonna take care of anyone else??? Be responsible for anyone else???? i fight for a father's right to stay home and run the household and raise the children while the wife goes out to work - if that is what they want!

So how does D/s fit into my life??? i think.. perhaps it is quite simple. i met someone who was stronger than me.......... and i was quite willing to give over (voluntarily) my power to Him. BUT before Sir.. (B.S. - cheeky grin) i had a Mistress..... someone else who was strong and in whom i had a lot of trust. It never has mattered to me if the person i am kneeling to is male or female.. it has to do with what is inside of them... and i don't mean genes! Perhaps i am doing an amazing balance keeping the plates spinning........ separating my belief that everyone has the right to chose for themselves what they will do with their lives........ and my desire to kneel and serve. There is a part of me that believes the gift of submission is truly special when the submissive is a strong independant person......... who does not capitulate to just anyone.

(getting off my soap box now and returning you all to your regularily programmed blogging)

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Busy times

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Monday, March 06, 2006

Brought to You by the Number 7

This post is brought to you today by the number 7....... thanks to kethry and the latest round of tag you're it!

Seven things that make me mad:
1) stupidity
2) intolerance
3) racism
4) abuse
5) bureaucracy
6) bullies
7) liars

Seven things that make me happy:
1) good books
2) time to read
3) bubble baths and candlelight
4) S/m and my Sir (of course!!!)
5) Weekends away
6) doing a good job
7) my children and grandson and grandkid to be

Seven fun things that I wish I could get paid to do for a living:
1) writing
2) decorating/interior design
3) creative pursuits - like card making .. scrapbooking etc
4) entertaining
5) program planning for pre school activities (nothing else ! just the planning!)
6) reading/editing
7) surfing the net

ok.. now i am supposed to tag 7 people........ so i pick.......
1) my Sir

2) Cloud
3) minion
4) searabbit
5) cherish
6) Daemonica
7) ling


i have never been the world's most patient person....... and i always wanted control of situations.. of issues... of problems.. of everything .. cause you see if i was in control then i didn't need patience.... everything would be done NOW!
Not a very subbie like mind set was it?? And yes it caused some problems with my Sir.. my lack of patience......... In the beginning He would often tell me "patience" .... and i would grind my teeth and gnash my teeth.. stamp my feet.. mumble and complain and pout and whine....... oh such a good subbie i was!!

Then 2 years ago i had some health issues...... and due to the health problems my hair started to fall out in clumps.... and i had a few little bald spots appear on my head...... and i cried.. and i stamped my feet and ground my teeth.. and gnashed my teeth.. and mumbled and complained and pouted and whined. BUT Mother Nature is a far stricter Domme than any i have met.......... She didn't listen.... i was the one who had to listen...... to my body. i had to slow down and learn to go with the flow more.....

About 18 months ago i noticed the hair had stopped falling out..... and about 12 months ago i noticed it had actually started to grow back in....and last week my hairdresser cut and styled my hair and declared it healthy and full again.

It is funny (to me anyway) how some lessons are hard learned ones. i realized this past week that i survived the hair falling out and growing back in... 2 years from start to finish !!! wow.. that is a long time........... and i look at myself now using that 2 year guide and realize.. things can take a long time and it is ok for them to take a long time........ i can't always have everything NOW! i can't always get everything NOW ! Sometimes it takes a lot of work to get things done.. established.. or accomplished. BUT if i keep on plodding along it will eventually happen.....This may not be much of an eye opener for you folks.. probably more a "duhhhhh" moment.. but for me.. it has been a WOW moment.
i think of all the things i started and expected instant results... and got frustrated and angry and fed up with and left the projects by the wayside .. cause it wasn't working............. now i am going "ummmmmmmm.. maybe i should try for two years".................

And another side to this patience issue........... i used to get so anxious and jumpy when Sir would "think" about going somewhere.. i wanted / needed to know where when why how long etc... i look back at this weekend and realize i didn't bug Sir last week with umpteen questions about going to Vermont... i just let it happen.. i didn't fuss over staying over or not staying over.. i just let it happen...... wow.. i surprised even myself!
And i didn't fuss or fume or pout or whine cause there were no sessions - no pain.. no sex this weekend.. just a quiet togetherness weekend.. There is always next weekend or the one after that .. or two years from now.........

i am learning.. (finally learning!!) to be patient and content and appreciate what is here and now........

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Spring Break

When i got home on Friday Sir was waiting for me with a short and sweet order.. "pack a bag we are going to the Vermont munch!"

i was so excited.. it has been forever since we went down to the Vermont munch..... AND Sir had said we would stay overnight - which made it a 'holiday' and a celebration! It was a little nerve wracking getting down there ......... We drove through snow squalls and blustery white outs........ BUT we did arrive with 30 minutes to spare. Time to check into our hotel and catch our breath, before heading out to the munch.

i must say it was fun to meet up with old friends and make some new ones... and it is always interesting to see how others run their munches. There was a wonderful round table discussion about BDSM versus Abuse...... led by the ever gracious Flirticia! Sir and i look forward (now that the nicer weather is back- it is back right??!!) to being able to attend more events in Vermont!!

After the munch Sir and i headed back to the hotel where i... in a most unsubbie like manner... dropped into bed and fell fast asleep. Yesterday was spent in Barnes and Nobles and shopping at the malls. Barnes and Nobles has to be my favourite ever store!! i am SUCH a book snob ....... sigh. i adore hard cover books!! i love the weight of them .. the smell of them.... everything about hard cover books!! Needless to say i spent all my time at the discounted book tables finding treasures for pennies. i am excited by the books i bought .. and will have to be very disciplined this coming week about reading versus cleaning.....

Sadly our weekend in Vermont came to an end and we had to head home in time for dinner.. i spent the evening curled up on my pillow at Sir's feet .. feeling very much like the "cat who had swallowed the canary"...

What a wonderful way to start my "spring break" even if the spring flowers are far from peaking through the snow...........

Thursday, March 02, 2006


February is over.............. and i am doing the dance of joy.
For the shortest month of the year .. it is the longest month for me... and the most dreaded. February is full of government forms, issuing tax receipts, dealing with bureaucrats, and kids having major melt downs.

But yesterday morning when i woke and opened the bedroom curtains the sun was just peaking through the clouds. The sun was UP! and before me!

And i realized that the winter is almost over........ spring is coming... new hope.. new life...

Last night .. on top of all the last minute finishing up of stuff i had to do........ i decided to start another blog and i did it.. AND even figured out how to create a sort of sub blog.. or second page to it.... complete with links etc.. clever me!!!.. and no i will not point anyone to the link cause it is for my private business.. vanilla business. Just doing that simple little task made me feel bright and energized and alive again.....

oh yeah and talking about spring and new life....... i have been keeping a secret.. mainly i guess cause it has to do with family and my kids.. and i seldom if ever mention them in this blog.......... but i got the news that i am gonna be a "granny" again!!! And it looks as though i am gonna be the birthing coach again... (YIPEEEEEEEEEE) and even Sir has entered into the excitment by referring to Himself (in family circles) as "gramps in waiting"... ummmmmmm now i wonder if "Gramps" will come to the hospital and watch the birth?? ummmmm i wonder if daughter in waiting will want "Gramps" watching?? probably not! She will say He can wait in the waiting room and come in when it is all over...

And tomorrow is the last day of work before "spring break".. and i have a whole week off...... to putter around the house and get odd jobs done.. and pamper myself.. and .. and...
wellllllllllll February is OVER!!!

doing the dance of joy !!!!!

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