Friday, December 31, 2010

Best of Bottoms


I read ...over on Fetlife... that "our" private club up in Ottawa has decided to hold an impromptu New Year's Eve gala. They are calling it the 'Snow Ball' ....... and are encouraging everyone to dress to the theme ... or in formal wear.

Immediately an idea ... a plan.... started to form in my lil brain. Now before when I was submissive ..... the ideas/plans would form.......but I always felt hesitant to bring them up....... hinted at them.. went round and round dropping hints... and it used to drive me nuts !!!

Now as a bottom...... I don't have the restraints (excuse the pun) of being submissive. So as the plan formed I emailed Warren .. sent him the link to the 'Snow Ball' and suggested that I would very much like to make a romantic weekend of it.... I would find a romantic hotel to stay at... I would wear my white corset and white stockings, and suggested he could wear one of his formal outfits (one being the traditional tux - the other being his formal kilt attire)

Now granted - he could still say "no way"........ but I had the freedom of expression and that felt damn good !!

Warren didn't say "no way" .. So I went and found a gorgeous romantic hotel suite for the 31st....... and sent off an rsvp for the Ball.

To me ........ New Year's Eve should be spent with someone you care for and the more romantic the better...... AND if you can do all that in an atmosphere of other kinky folk ...... you have the makings for a GREAT evening !!!

So this afternoon Warren and I are heading off for a romantic evening of spankings and friends........ and then some romantic time in a romantic hotel. I promise to tell you all about it on Sunday.




Yesterday ..... I spent the day taking down all the Christmas decorations. It takes me a couple of weeks to get everything up.. and just right..... and then I wonder why it takes me so long to take it all down!!






But seeing all the decorations crowding the dining room table.. with bins crowding the living floor waiting to be packed up and put away - is enough incentive to get it done right quick!!

I want to come home from our romantic getaway to a clean and tidy house.. start the New Year off on the right foot...........

Bottoms up !!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

This That and the Other thing


I haven't done a bouncing ball entry in a long while....... and as I have bits and pieces floating around in my addled brain today - and not one of the bits equals a full entry ....... I decided it was time to do a "bouncing ball" blog entry..
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Today is the 30th...... (in case you hadn't looked at a calendar for a while) I said.. promised??... on the 1st of December that I would post an entry here every day in the month of December - I did pretty well actually - I only missed one day - the 10th (and for the life of me I have no idea why)

The interesting thing to me.. about posting every day versus every other day or so.. is that my number of daily readers has gone up. HUGELY. I wonder does it become a habit to drop by here daily ?? And so when I only write 3 or 4 times a week you get out of the habit ?? I don't believe I have brought in new readership with my December babblings..... so I am left wondering how/why I have jumped (and am averaging) 60 more readers a day.....

Curious and curiouser

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And anyone who says blogging is silly .. or doesn't accomplish anything... or isn't a community... I invite you to attend a New Year's Eve party at Boxer's Blog. Now please remember this is a vanilla blog - so we all have to behave - no floggers or whips please !!

I do think it is an interesting concept..... and will be watching to see how it works...
It certainly beats watching the ball drop...... well for me anyway.

OH and the whole concept of an online New Year's Eve party prompted me to change the decorations around here from stale Christmas to sparkly New Year's Eve....

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Stale Christmas brings me to my day yesterday....... I ventured out into the world of shoppers with that gift card that will shrink monthly if I don't use it... and a desperate need to find a 2011 Calendar. (silly thing is.. most Christmases I get one if not two calendars.......this year none. )

Honestly ........ don't people work anymore between Christmas and New Years??!! I honestly thought it would be quiet in the shops yesterday. Shoot me now ok?? I couldn't find parking.. the shops were crowded and there were no decent sales... the merchandise looked dirty and picked over... and people were rude and pushy.

It was a most disheartening shopping trip. I came home with a bath sheet an ironing board cover and (thankfully) a very nice Zen Calendar for 2011. Though I still have money on the gift card.... I am not sure I wish to try the mall again before they claw back the first $2.50

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Now something I haven't talked about here... cause it is like a dirty lil secret....
I was so frustrated and stressed from shopping.. I stopped and picked up a fast food lunch - hamburger, french fries, and soft drink. That in itself isn't so bad.. BUT ... having finished my forbidden lunch (remember gallbladder diet??) I then set to and virtually polished off a cherry cake !! YES YES I can be a binge eater (hanging my head)

Within a couple of hours of that binge eating..... forbidden foods .... my gallbladder was swollen and hard and pressing against my ribs. BAD BAD me!! I drank lots of water and went back to eating styrofoam - better known as rice cakes... and today will remain on the strict diet in hopes of shrinking the gallbladder.

Hard way to learn the lesson about binge eating

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Oh and I think a little word about yesterday's blog might be in order. Especially for those of you who don't remember the "Yes Miss" blog I had for a short time..

drakor - our dear friend and ally - loves humiliation play.... especially if that humiliation play is centered around his small dick.

Yesterday's blog was an attempt to feed his need for humiliation. Unfortunately I missed the mark.........drakor admitted it didn't do much for him.. giving me only a B in effort and most of you found him "adorable" and some even tried to assuage his discomfort by telling me size didn't matter but how he used it.

For the record I have never seen / experienced how he does or does not use it..... for a number of reasons. BUT truthfully after years of playing with my toys.. a mediocre dick like his - no matter how well used it might be - holds no interest for me.

drakor is now plying me with ideas for Christmas light bondage and various other forms of humiliation. (sigh) Poor boy never did get the whole "topping from the bottom" annoys me no end.

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I think I am running out of things to share......I do have one bright idea.. about a Snowball Gala and the joys of not being submissive - but only a bottom... but I will save that for tomorrow. I do believe I can get a whole blog entry out of that one.. and perhaps even tease you all a little bit.. and bring you back for more.......

Until then........

the bouncing ball has stopped bouncing !

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Christmas elf

Yesterday Warren and I went over to drakor's for coffee. Now we all used to have coffee once a week... BUT with my new schedule at work I haven't been able to join the "gentlemen". So I took advantage of the Christmas break and joined them yesterday.

There were some emails back and forth - sorting out when and where.. and somewhere in those emails drakor made a cheeky comment about whether he should be dressed or not....... and I made a cheeky comment about the family jewels disappearing because of the cold.... and perhaps I should bring my camera to prove that when things shriveled from the cold he actually looked like a girl.....

So it was left...... until we arrived at his door at 1:30.......

The door opened seemingly by itself.. and I realized drakor was hiding behind it... which made me smile. So - using my most dominating voice - I told drakor to come out and show himself.

Imagine my surprise when this is what appeared before my wondering eyes....... and me without my camera !!!! ( fortunately Warren's phone takes pictures )






Now that is some Christmas elf - isn't it???

Let's take a closer look at drakor's get up......

I couldn't see anything but bows and more bows.... On closer inspection the ones on his chest were attached with bright red clothes pegs... with bells hanging from them... I was sorely tempted to ring his bells....

Once I had gotten past the bows I noticed he was sporting a furry cat collar around his cock and balls. Now how do I know it was a cat collar??? Because both my cats sported the very same collar at our Christmas festivities.

I realize that it is very difficult to actually see .. admire.. the cat collar so I cropped the picture and worked some magic for your viewing pleasure......





The small little pink thing in the middle of the cat collar is... believe it or not.... drakor's cock.. his balls are hidden from sight...... I will give him the benefit of the doubt.... and say the cold shrank them. But only slightly... as the cat collar fit perfectly and we all know how small a cat's neck is.........

Now as for whether or not he looks like a girl....... well all I will say is.. some girls do have clits about the same size as his cock.. no???



To further prove my point that the lack of family jewels might make one think drakor was actually female .......

When my girls were little they had cute little dresses with sashes. I used to take pleasure in tying the sashes in "butterfly bows" .. rather like the one drakor was wearing around his waist.........




In my opinion drakor made a cute little elf.. the emphasis of course is on the word "LITTLE"

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Outraged


I received many wonderful gifts from staff, parents, family and friends this Christmas. I am one lucky lady !!!

But there is one gift in particular that I want to rant about this morning........

My new staff took up a collection and bought me the above pictured gift card to the Fairview Mall here in the Great White North. Fairview is a huge multi store mall.......

Once many years ago I bought my eldest daughter a gift card from Cadillac Fairview malls.. only to be charged a whooping fee for purchasing it. I wrote letters (to no avail) and then vowed NEVER to purchase a gift from them again. Store gift cards (at least the ones I have bought - do NOT charge the purchaser an additional fee) I could only hope when I opened this one for me - that the policy had changed and my staff were not charged this additional purchasing fee.

This morning, as I was sipping my first cup of coffee of the day, and planning out my day, I thought about the gift card and what I might go and purchase with it. I went and found the card (I had stashed it away safely until after the festivities) and looked at the back to see a) how much I had to spend and b) when it expired.

There was all this legalize writing in VERY small print - in french on the back. (Honestly so small that I had to go on line and find the card and read the "terms and conditions" online) I thought I had read on my small card something about a monthly fee being deducted from the gift card (plus applicable taxes) every month. It was small and in french - so I was sure..... SURE !! ...... I must have misunderstood.

Well I didn't. Apparently Cadillac Fairview will deduct $2.50 a month from my card plus applicable taxes - until such time as the card reaches $0. No wonder the card doesn't have an expiration date........ the expiration date is automatic - whenever it reaches $0 ............. grrrrrrrrrrrrrr I am spitting tacks here.

Have you EVER heard of such a thing???!!!! I am enraged! I am infuriated! If I could I would return the card for a full refund and damn their $2.50 a month....... but of course I can't.

I will write Cadillac Fairview ....... again.......... knowing full well that nothing will come of it..... and perhaps I will post something on Facebook - I hear from Warren that some big manufacturers / shops /etc actually read Facebook - and have accounts there... People should be warned ..... read the small print.. read it very carefully - because the gift you give may just give back to the shop rather than the gift recipient.

(now I am putting my soap box away - and going to get ready to go shopping and empty this particular gift card before the store claws back $2.50 plus applicable taxes)


Monday, December 27, 2010

Secret lover


My eyes open......... the clock blinks 2:00 am. The bed feels big and empty. It is semi dark outside - the moon glistening off the snow casts a fairy-like hue over the world... sneaking in the window.

I curl on my side and watch the clock tick off the minutes.

I feel his hand running down my back ... fairy touches, tickles, against my bare skin. He finds the spot at the base of my spine and runs a finger over it applying pressure ... softly .. causing my blood to pound in my head. I hold my breath. He is back.

Gently he rolls me over on my back....... spreads my legs........ finds my clit and presses it, pulls it, twists and turns it. He whispers in my ear, "don't move!" and I don't.

His cock rubs against my pussy ......... moving up and down against the lips, spreading them gently - not entering - just teasing. Then the head of the cock moves to my clit again. I am not moving. My hands reach up and grab the pillows and hang on. My heart is beating faster and my blood is quite literally boiling.

The cock slides into me...... and again the whispered words "don't move" and my hands turn to fists in the softness of the pillows. I almost hold my breath in an effort not to move.........not to move with the slow thrusts from the cock.

There is a fire in my pussy, and a wetness that has been long absent...... a desire I thought was gone. My pussy vibrates, I vibrate. My head pounds........ my eyes are closed and I see fireworks bursting behind the lids. I have to move..... have to. Dare I??

I hear a song playing softly in my mind......... "Let's make a night to remember, January to December, let's make love to excite us, memory to ignite us, let's make honey baby soft and tender, let's make sugar darling - sweet surrender"

And then my body is arching upwards as the cock pounds deep inside me........ and I have no control........ I am not holding back - I don't want this to end.........

And then it is over ...... and I am lying breathless and sweating feeling sated and suddenly tired.............

and as my eyes close I know I am alone in the big bed.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas Weekend

We had a wonderful weekend.. despite the sniffles and coughs.. Warren and I were suffering from.

I managed to have everything ready by Thursday night.. and virtually only had to shower Friday morning - pop the food in the oven and I was ready for the family to arrive.

It was really a wonderful day with the kids and grandkids.. lots of food and laughter and even more presents and wrapping paper....

Yesterday I went home with Warren and last night we went to friend's of Warren's for a traditional Christmas dinner - turkey mash potatoes and dressing.

For your viewing pleasure (or not) here are some shots of Christmas here at "granny's"







exhaustion after the excitement!!
Let's do it again........
Next year !!



Saturday, December 25, 2010

Wishes




May the joy of the Christmas season fill your heart with gladness to last the new year through.......


And may all your dreams and wishes come true.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Porn

Today is my day to celebrate with the family, extended family and friends...... So I thought I would offer up some Christmas porn ....... just cause I know some of you really enjoy some porn once in a while.

I would gift wrap it if I could ..........








....


Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas meme

I haven't done a "meme" in ages - mostly cause they are repetitive .. but I hadn't seen one based on Christmas before. Thanks to abby I have something more interesting to post about than my snuffly nose..





1.Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?

Would you believe I don't much like either.. though I used to love eggnog with rum...

2.Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
He wraps them of course !!!

3.Colored lights on tree/house or white?
white.... on both house and tree.

4.Do you hang mistletoe?
No of course not.. who needs mistletoe...

5.When do you put your decorations up?
First of December I start and the tree usually goes up the second week of December

6.What is your favorite holiday dish?
leftover turkey sandwiches with dressing

7.Favorite Holiday memory as a child?
baking with my grandmother

8.When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I honestly don't remember......

9.Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
yes now.. as that is when we celebrate as a family
but when I was a child absolutely not.. there were no gifts under the tree until the 25th

10.How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
As the spirit moves me - usually a different theme every year.

11.Snow! Love it or Dread it?
Love snow..... but only from December 20th to January 1st then it can all melt and disappear thank you very much !!!

12.Can you ice skate?
used to yes.. in fact I used to take figure skating lessons - until I fell and chipped my elbow.. haven't been on skates since.

13.Do you remember your favorite gift?
Yes.. it was the year my parents told me I was too old for dolls (I used to get a new doll every Christmas) BUT Santa left a miniature baby doll in hand knit dress, bonnet and booties in the top of my stocking.

14.What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
I know it sounds clich├ęd but being with my family and loved ones...

15.What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
Honestly I don't have a current one ....... I used to love my grandmother's meringues... with ice cream and caramel sauce.. no one made them like she did.

16.What tops your tree?
an angel - yeah I know boring......but I haven't found a Christmas fairy for the top of a tree

17.Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
Definitely giving..

18.What is your favorite Christmas Song?
Away in a manger - with actions - sung by a choir of 5 year olds

19.Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum?
yummy - only when they are old and chewy and they have to be peppermint flavoured

20. Favorite Christmas Show?
Probably The Grinch

21.Saddest Christmas Song?
I'll be home for Christmas

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

YUCK


Ok .. so I was right on schedule..

The baking was done..

The gifts were wrapped and under the tree...

The meal was planned and in the freezer...

The school party was planned.. the gifts for school were wrapped and the cards were written and the SIX Christmas tree cakes were baked for the party.....

We had the grandkids over.. and ignored their runny snuffly noses and coughs...

Then yesterday.......

I got sick.

Warren got sick.

The government sent me an assessment for over $1000.00.....

Half my christmas lights outside the front door burned out.....

Then I discovered I didn't do enough Christmas cards for the staff at school.....

I discovered gifts I forgot about that have to be wrapped.....

All I want to do is curl into bed and be sick......

My schedule has gone out the window........



Christmas is how many days away????

Someone shoot me now ok??


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Domination and submission

Since BDSM is at the very least a play style and at its greatest a love style, the holes represent the incompleteness of any individual within the BDSM context. However "together" and "whole" individuals may be, there remains a void within them that can only be filled by a complimentary other. BDSM cannot be done alone. - taken from the Emblem Project.

I have been giving a whole lot of thought to Domination and submission.. and how it can apply to Warren and I now. BEFORE.. I tried to be the very best submissive - but my definition of submission came from the internet.. came from other's relationships.. came from everywhere but where it should have come from. It should have come from Warren and I and what worked for us.

Saturday night while Warren was playing with me... it didn't scare me to stop him and tell him something hurt bad.. or that there had been a wrap.. or that I would like it if he went a bit slower.. giving me a breath between hits. It didn't scare me because I realized that Warren is not a mind reader.. and despite all the hoopla on the net .. to make a good BDSM relationship.. to have a really successful play time.. I MUST tell Warren what is working for me and what is not.

Now does that make him less a dominant??
Does that make me less of a submissive??

No I honestly don't believe so. I believe it makes him a much better dominant - because he listens to me .. hears me.. and makes the play session work for both of us. That says to me that I am valued and cared for.. yes even loved.

Does it make me less of a submissive?? No I honestly don't believe so. I believe it makes me more open and more willing to go where he wants to take me because now he has the road map to take me where we both want to go.

Does a dominant become less of a dominant because his submissive speaks up.. or lends a hand.. or takes over for a while and guides the way?? I don't think so.. I think we are all human whether we are the dominant or the submissive... and sometimes we all need a helping hand.. a shoulder to lean on.. an ear to listen.

And if there is to be a healthy relationship .. a loving relationship... then there has to be sharing ... has to be!! Because we are all individuals with a void that can only be completed by a complimentary other.

The trick is in finding our complimentary other and being open to living life to the fullest by one's own standards.. and ignoring all the rest.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Full Circle


Saturday night's party was the last of the season play party. We arrived around 9 p.m. and left around 12:30 .. and we played pretty much the whole time.

It was a little bit difficult at first... this loss of weight has produced bones where I didn't even know I had bones.. like in my bum!! Warren and I figured out that truthfully there is no way I can take the pounding I used to take. BUT that's ok.. the pain Warren gives me is just right.. more than right... I am enjoying the endorphins as much as ever... and I am even having orgasms from the pain... so .. it doesn't really matter that I can't take the pounding I used to...

Sunday I was curled up on the sofa not doing much of anything except enjoying the after glow of our evening.... when I remembered how - when I was playing with the 2 Sirs - Sunday often found me curled up with a body that hurt - so bad - and a feeling of sadness. These feelings built up until when I left to visit the Heron Clan I realized there was something missing?? wrong??? I realized when I was home again.. that I wasn't a good match for the 2 Sirs.. whatever their agenda was - it wasn't the same as mine. There was a connection missing.

Yesterday I was remembering a conversation I had with a Mistress friend of mine who told me that I would find a peaceful place when I was with the right "master"
And I realized that when Warren was playing with me on Saturday I was calm - peaceful - and feeling I was right where I belonged.

So ... I may not be the community masochist anymore.. I may not be raising any eyebrows anymore.. BUT .. I am a contented happy lil pain slut. Feeling the connection that has been missing since last March.. feeling the love and the caring...

The future is looking bright and happy and full.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Busy busy day

Yesterday was grandkids day at granny's. And being me... well.. it wasn't going to be any ordinary hang around day ............

We made christmas tree decorations with glitter........ pig pen lived up to his name and covered his decoration in glue .. laid it on the table and literally dumped every colour of sparkles I had on his decoration. We had to dig it out from the mounds of glitter. Later on in the day - cause granny didn't take time out to clean up the glitter and glue mess.. I found my male cat sitting smack dab in the middle of the gluey sparkly mess... I now have sparkles spread from one end of the house to the other... BUT not to worry .. Christmas should be sparkly !!!



Then we all went downstairs to help "Gramps Warren" set up the Christmas train ... what excitement for everyone.. but mostly for the newest addition who was mesmerized by the train running round and round in circles - especially when it ran under the love seat and disappeared from sight.. only to reappear seconds later on the other side !! And of course pig pen - our train enthusiast - had to follow the train - even under the love seat.



We had hot dogs and french fries and chocolate milk for lunch - with chocolate brownies and chocolate chip cookies for dessert.

And it wouldn't be Christmas without a little Christmas magic found in the Christmas tree.




We played video games (with much sibling rivalry) and managed to watch a wee bit of Ice Age before Mom and Dad showed up to scoop up the menagerie and all their paraphernalia and scoot off home again.

Now you'd think Gramps Warren and granny would have flaked out on the sofa for a long winter's nap.

BUT nope.. .we packed up and headed over to the south shore for a quick dinner and then off to our last Christmas BDSM play party. (I promise more details on that on Monday)

What a busy busy day we had !! And oh what fun !!!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Patience - updated

Note to anonymous and all others who are jumping to conclusions........ This post is not based on any one blog .. it is based on a discussion I had with Warren concerning folks we know in real life.. outside of the internet So please do not assume because assume " makes an ass out of you and me"......



We all know that Christmas is a time for great joy.......but it is also a time of great pain for some.

As the holidays get closer I am hearing more and more pain from folks. And truthfully I am now losing patience with some.

I understand - I do !!! - that when you are going through a painful time it is really hard to see the future that lies ahead.. or even the good in the moment you are living through.

BUT my god !! you are not the only person on this earth that is living through a difficult time at Christmas... there have been many before you .. and many will come after you. Why must you continue to believe yours is the worst ?? that somehow you are special in your pain???

I don't get it. I honestly don't. And I have tried.. I have.

If I have learned nothing at all in my 60 years on this earth - I have learned (and it wasn't easy) that *I* am responsible for my own happiness.

I have a choice - we all have choices. I can chose to be miserable and wallow in my misery. OR I can chose to move forward - no matter how painful the forward movement is.. or how many times I slip backwards.. I can and WILL move forward.

I am not preaching from some elevated never been there place... trust me .. not even close. I have had some pretty awful Christmas seasons.... from the first Christmas when a family member introduced me to sex at the ripe old age of 9 ...... to the Christmas I lost my father.. to the Christmas I was totally and completely alone..... to the Christmas that I learned I had cancer. I am not special .. I am no saint. I just know deep inside me.. that there is no one .. NO ONE.. who can make the sadness better...... no one who can lift my spirits and cure my soul.

I have learned that money can not and will not make me happy - loads of presents under the tree will not make me happy..... drink will not make me happy (actually it usually gives me a headache) ... drugs will not make me happy..... people.. and family will not make me happy. And if I rely on those THINGS to make me happy I am going to be a very sad unhappy person. I am the only person who can chose happiness over sadness... happiness over pain.. happiness over anger.

It all seems so simple to me.... I wish I could make it all so simple for those who suffer at this holiday time.

I need patience...... got some to spare?

Friday, December 17, 2010

Christmas Magic

There is no ideal Christmas; only the one Christmas you decide to make as a reflection of your values, desires, affections, traditions.
- Bill McKibben


Last night when I got home from work I threw together some Scotch shortbread. Then I went and turned on the Christmas lights and curled up on the sofa and looked out on the winter wonderland. As I sat there warm and feeling contented and at peace, memories poured back from my childhood.

Christmas - when I was a child - was a time of magic.. of laughter... and smells of cookies baking, fresh cut evergreens, of staying up late...of neighbours dropping by with candy or fresh baked goodies, of family and love.

It was a time filled with tradition. From the Santa Claus Parade (which was NEVER in November) to visiting Santa at Eaton's and riding the train around the Christmas village until you reached Santa..... of whispering secret wishes in Santa's ear, it was one small gift bought that day at Eaton's. I remember the last one I got - the year before I stopped believing in Santa Claus. It was a grey mouse. And when you wound it up it turned somersaults across the living room rug. That silly wind up mouse lasted until I was married and had children of my own...... and they would wind it up and marvel at the somersaults it did across the rug at grandma's house.

It was going downtown to meet my dad for dinner sometime during December. And going to Oglivy's window (Oglivy's was/is a store that stands out in my memory.... it served English high tea every afternoon at 3:00 p.m.) Their bags were a dark green tartan and it was situated right across the street from where my dad worked. I don't think I will ever forget the magic of standing on the street - in the cold and the dark - and watching the animated window come alive with all the little creatures.........(many years later I went back as an adult with my children - I don't remember if they were as mesmerized as I had been but it brought back the childhood magic for me)


Oglivy's Window

There was the excitement of going to church on Christmas Eve. Of Christmas music playing on the car radio ........ of twinkling Christmas lights on all the houses......the hush in the Church and the tall Christmas tree standing beside the altar. And it was all so much better if a light snow fell ....... blanketing the world in shimmering white snowflakes.

Christmas was all about magic .......... and that magic stayed with me .. all these years. There may be moments of panic and stress.. the worry everything won't get done in time.. of being so tired I could cry.......then all it takes is a quiet moment in the glow of the Christmas tree..... to remember that Christmas magic is there... I only have to stop rushing and look........... and that magic touches my heart and I am a child again.


Thursday, December 16, 2010

Busy part 2


I was thinking this morning (due to an email exchange with Warren about the weekend activities) just how much I have to get done between now and Dec 25th. It is almost scary.. and panicky... and stressful.

When I don't look at the big picture.. just what I have to get done today.. I am ok.. but when I look at the BIG picture............ is there some place I can hide till it all blows over????

My biggest problem I think.. is that usually school lets out a few days before the 24th (which is when I do Christmas with the whole family and extended family) at 11:00 am may I add.. cause of babies and other's schedules!! BUT this year I work till 4:00 pm on the 23rd...... which means quite simply I have to be so well organized by the 23rd that come the 24th I just have to get dressed - basically.

Don't get me wrong...... I still love Christmas.. and wouldn't postpone or cancel or change one little thing about it !! BUT I am busy......... and of course stupid me decided to have this Christmas party for 150 kiddies at school.. and sometime between now and next Wednesday I have to get 6 cakes baked - because - brilliant me - decided that part of the party HAD to be a cake decorating contest (ok ok shoot me now !!)

Men......... now they try to understand they do .. I know that !! But they don't get how much work goes into pulling a holiday together......... they don't. Besides all the special activities - parties and entertaining and food and baking and shopping and gift wrapping........ there is still the usual mundane stuff that needs doing.. like laundry and house cleaning (especially when you have 2 cats who are trying for the Guinness Book of Records for the most hair balls) and grandkids who are so highly allergic to cats that a clean house is a MUST.

I won't say "Christmas bah hum bug!" BUT it would be nice if someone could add a few extra hours to each day..... and find me some energy to keep going through those extra hours...........

I think I need some sub space... bad.......... and I know I can have some - for the taking - on Saturday night....... after the grandkids have been here wrecking havoc in the house all day............

Honest true I am not bah hum bugging.. honest true I'm not !!!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Boringly busy

I made a promise that I would try and post every day in December. The only problem with making a promise like that is coming up with something to say every day,

Like today,...... it has been a boringly busy couple of days...... I have made 3 cranberry loaves,.. 3 banana bread loaves.. and 3 dozen snickerdoodle cookies. Besides work and finishing the Christmas wrapping. Not exactly earth shattering news is it???

But as much as I am working like mad to get ready for Christmas - the list of "to do's" isn't getting much shorter. The one thing I have to do.. HAVE TO... is take a run out to the "island" and check on my Preschool. (yes I own and run a preschool) I haven't been out this year - between one thing and another.. and they are in a new space... and good lord Christmas is almost here.... shame on me!!!

I need to do some Christmas grocery shopping..... find peach preserves.. cause I have a new recipe I want to try as a ham glaze..... and I saw the cutest.. and I do mean cutest !!! cake for Christmas. It's an igloo with lil tiny penguins. I couldn't help but think what a change from Yule logs.. AND how much the grandkids would love it. (For the adults I have peppermint cheese cake and red velvet cheese cake)
And of course the baking I have managed to get done....... oh lord I just remembered.. I have to make some shortbread cause I know "someone special" who loves shortbread!!!

So life goes on around here.. busy.. boringly busy. Hopefully inspirational writing will reappear tomorrow........

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

New Traditions

A friend sent me an email the other day talking about how Christmas had changed. How in past years it had been about the kids... how the Christmas village was always put up.. the cardboard handmade decorations scattered around the house.. even the ornaments in the tree. But that this year - with no kids at home - Christmas had become an adult affair... and I think he was mourning the loss of magic that comes with a children's Christmas.

For years now I have kept the childish aspect to Christmas by having my grandbabies come to the house and help "granny" decorate. Everything got dragged out and a place was found for every little thing that I had collected over the years. (except the garish white branches set in cement that I used the Christmas I moved into here. That tree has been well hidden away. I can't part with it because it is "history" but I can't put it up because it is just plain garish and not at all ME)

This year between one thing and another we weren't at all sure the grandboys would be coming to granny's house to help decorate.. or visit .. or anything. When I got the all clear on the surgery I made a quick phone call to youngest daughter and asked when I could have the boys. It was decided they would come for a few hours this Saturday coming. I couldn't wait... didn't want to wait ... for this weekend to decorate .. so I dragged all the decorations out myself and put them up. (What we will do with the grandboys is still a bit up in the air.. but that is for another blog entry)

Last evening I was thinking about that email I received..... and how my house too has lost some of the cluttered childish appeal. There aren't decorations in every single nook and cranny of the house. It is much more organised and tidy and ... and.. grown up. In fact I didn't even put up the Christmas village I made some 20 years ago. (the one the cats love to climb up into and rearrange !!!)

Funny enough I have no tugs at my heart strings. My house is growing up.. just like me I guess. I was wrapping presents and sat back and glanced at the tree. It isn't laden down with all sorts of ornaments this year....... This year it has all the ornaments that I love... precious bits of beauty and memories....... and I decided I much preferred my tree scantily decorated........ in my mind .. each ornament is a centerpiece of its own. Can be seen and admired. Nothing is hidden back deep in the branches ..... just to make room for all the "crap" that normally goes up. And I felt a calmness.. a peacefulness..... the tree is a show place - not a kinetic mess of energy that spills into the room.

And so I thought I would take some pictures and show you all some of my most beloved decorations............


There are numerous birds - of all sorts - adorning the tree...............they remind me of my dad who loved to watch the birds.. he had bird feeders galore dotting his back yard - no matter where he lived.






There are my precious carousel horses in glass bells................that remind me of the numerous times my parents took me to amusement parks and how I loved to ride the merry-go-round - always on a beautifully decorated ornate horse.... and how my imagination would fly to adventures on stunning steads with flowing manes.....




There are numerous Christmas fairies hidden in the branches.......... this being just one of many....... because no matter how many Christmases have come and gone .. I still remember the year I found my dad and my eldest lying directly under the Christmas tree .. and my dad spinning a tale of Christmas fairies and how they danced invisible in the branches..........




There is my new little girl dressed for playing in the snow...........because I loved playing in the snow as a child...... building forts with my dad... igloos by myself... spending hours and hours of joy playing imaginary games in the winter wonderland.



There is the china tea cup that reminds me of my grandmother and her tea parties...



And the whole thing is lit by candlelight......... to add just the right touch of twinkling magic...........because no matter how 'grown up' I become.. Christmas will ALWAYS touch the child's heart within me.



Monday, December 13, 2010

Soft and gentle.

I am not by nature a flamboyant person. I am not quirky (well not as quirky as I may seem in writing)

For the most part I prefer to melt into the background... to be there but not the center of attention.

The perfume I wear is a delicate fragrance that does not overpower..... it softly and gently wafts by your nose - making you stop and wonder what perfume and who is wearing it. I wear the same perfume every day... every single day. Once I had someone say they smelled my perfume one day out shopping and they turned to look for me.

It is I guess my signature.

Yesterday I received an email from Warren. At the end of the email he wrote " I can still smell you".

It made me stop and smile. It made me feel good. It was the best way of telling me he missed me.

Words soft and gentle - the best words ever !


(Oh and for those of you curious - the perfume I wear is a good match for my personality as well........ cheeky grin .......... it is Angel)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Party #2

Have you all been waiting for today's blog entry on last night's BDSM Christmas party???

I am here to report it was great fun!! It made me think of my mom's words "you make your own fun". The club (not one of my favourites btw) had changed, I would say 90% of their equipment had disappeared and been replaced with love seats, chairs, sofas, AND a flat screen television that was playing porno. Have I ever told you I HATE porno - mainly because I guess it embarrasses me... but still...

I went to have a cigarette pretty soon after we arrived. I met up with Sir Kira (one of the Sirs from the summer - and in case I hadn't reported here - the 2 Sirs aren't together anymore) She and I were chatting about the changes of the club - and I realized that Warren and I should just bite the bullet so to speak - go and play and then head home.

And that is exactly what we did. We played on the big cross in the larger of the play rooms... My nerves were stretched pretty thin .. wondering if I was gonna enjoy it.. tolerate it... get off on the play. I needn't have worried. I did kinda /sorta warn Warren after a couple of hits.. that there wasn't nearly as much flesh on the hips or ass anymore... and then things improved immensely.

Warren got to try out the two new toys he bought about 6 weeks ago....... and I loved.. LOVED.. the small braided whip he bought... it stung so nicely.... intense stinging ... but invigorating at the same time.

There was lots of whipping and flogging .. and then my new knife came out to play. It hurt so good !!! I even asked if Warren would turn me around so my breasts could be played with and of course he was only to happy to oblige. At times I watched as the knife carved patterns over my breasts - but most of the time I just closed my eyes and enjoyed the pain.

Once we were done playing we had a quick drink - packed up and came home. This club is not high on our "gotta go again" list.

The play stations were so close together that a bondage/suspension scene going on beside us was so close that one of the dominants who was flogging the bondage victim actually had to stand just behind the cross I was on.. the bondage victim was being twirled around and a couple of times she accidentally kicked Warren. One of the sofas was so close to the cross that Warren nearly hit the spectators sitting on it.

I wasn't the only "Santa" that showed up... and that was VERY ok. I felt a little funny wearing the santa coat - even though it was over my black corset. Oh yeah .. and talking about the corset. When we were having our quick drink before heading home... the corset was biting into my side causing me discomfort around the gall bladder area.... so it came off and the Santa coat was zipped up to hide my nakedness. I am going to have to have a new black corset made ....... this one is over 10 years old.. was inexpensive when I bought it.. and now has bends in it that right now dig in to places I don't want pinched.

Despite the few problems it was a good night....... we 'made our own fun' - and that's all that is important isnt' it??!!

Now for your viewing pleasure.......... Here are the marks left by the knife......








OH and if you check below - where the comment button is.. you will see a new choice - a "reaction button" I have tried it and it seems you need to hold the click for a second or two to get it to "take" Just thought I would make it a little easier for those of you who don't want to leave a comment but do have a reaction...... (cheeky grin) I am a whore for comments can't you tell???

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Party Season

The Christmas parties started last night. My staff and I went out for dinner. Everyone was fussing over what to wear ... and when to get changed.. some of the girls I work with came in in the afternoon all dolled up to go to dinner because they didn't think they would have time to change before hand.

WOW!! From staff to "babes" what a transformation!! Make up .. sparkly clothes and more bling than anyone could imagine. I felt like a plain jane in my working clothes.

BUT I had a plan. Don't I always???

I planned to wear my new Santa Claus suit complete with Santa Hat

I arrived early and the restaurant was nearly empty. When I took my coat off the wait staff and the few customers all laughed. And there were more than a few comments about Santa Claus and sitting on knees and wish lists...

Most of my staff saw the good natured humour in my outfit...... though to be expected there were a few grinches who just sort of frowned at me.

Because I don't normally drink...... unless it is an "occasion" .. and now with the gall bladder don't touch the stuff....... it was interesting to watch the reactions of my staff to the "free" wine. One girl even claimed a whole bottle of white wine for her own...... and plunked it down in front of her.... not sharing with anyone. "What is a party without wine?" she asked. I had a comment on the tip of my tongue but remembered the spirit of the season and bit it.

The whole evening went off better than I expected (though a number of them planned to continue partying at a local bar) I bid them all a fond farewell after dinner and headed home. This Santa Claus was pooped!!

Tonite Warren and I are heading off to our first (of three) BDSM Christmas parties. This will be my first play party in........... in.......... god I forget how long. Definitely 6 weeks - since the start of the gall bladder saga. I am a bit anxious about the "play" part..... but I promised at the first sign of pain I will tell him and we will stop. (God I hope I can get back into the swing of things.. I feel as though something inside me has died... no cravings, desires or needs ..... has the day finally come?? the dreaded day when my body no longer responds to outside stimuli - shall we say??)

Anyway....... I plan to wear a black corset and black thigh stockings with knee high boots ......... and of course the Santa coat and hat to top it all off and get everyone (I hope) into the holiday mood.

Yes the party season is in full swing........ gotta love the holidays !!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

oh yes .. for those of you interested... I had a call from the hospital and the surgeon again on Thursday. My pre-op tests are scheduled for Jan 10th and the surgery is scheduled for February 14th - yup Valentine's day !!! This is actually great planning.. as it falls just before our spring break - which means technically I will get an extra 5 days off - with full pay - to take when I want !! Good planning doc!!)

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Excitement



I have been toying with an idea for about 2 weeks now........ of having a "kids" Christmas party at school. It would involve 150+ kiddies - aged 6 - 11..... Most of whom are rather jaded about this whole holiday thingy - well jaded in my opinion.

Their Christmas lists are as long as your arm....... and filled with all the latest toys and electronics. One of the things about working in a "normal" school is this sense of entitlement that I haven't seen in my other schools. In past years the kiddies were excited yes... but they had a sense of anticipation and excitement that I don't see in this school. It is as though these kiddies this year KNOW they will get what they ask for (and they probably will)

So I have been toying with the idea of having an old fashioned Christmas party.... with games and cake decorating and loads of laughter and silliness. I wondered if it would be worth all the extra work and stress..... would the kiddies have fun.. would they appreciate a party?

Anyway........ for whatever reason.... I decided yesterday morning to pull out the party plans from past years - blow the dust off them... and see what I could pull together.

My principal gave her stamp of approval - with a shade more enthusiasm than I have seen so far this year over one of my half baked schemes.

My staff looked at me like I had a screw loose... and rolled their eyes .... and I believe I heard one or two huff and puff.

Now organizing a party for 150+ kids takes military type engineering.. getting all the kids separated by age through 5 different stations in 90 minutes takes some planning and organizing !!! and experience tells me - on paper it works fine - but come the day - I can throw the paper schedule out and just hang on for the bumpy ride.

We will be having a Rudolph race - where the kiddies have to plaster vaseline to their noses then slap on a red paper circle and run from one end of the gym to the other without losing their noses........ The snowflake blow involves the kids moving a paper snowflake by blowing through a straw across the room and back again.... then there is the Christmas scramble - which for the older kids involves a whole slew of letters that they have to put together to make a seasonal word in the fastest time (the younger kiddies put together a season picture puzzle) ...

And of course there is the cake decorating contest....... I will supply one cake for each group - all the icing in all the colours they could ever need, candies and sprinkles and popsicle sticks for spreading......... and let them have a go ....... the best decorated cake wins.. and each child gets to take a hunk of cake home with them.

I am hoping to send them all home - sticky and giggled out and full of the joy of playing for the sake of playing (no prizes at Mrs. W's parties)

And so the planning continues...........


(pssssssssst know what?? the real truth is.. "Mrs. W" wants this kids party ... wants the planning the organizing the stress... "Mrs. W" thrives on it at this time of the year..... so batten down the hatches !!)

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Fear


Ever since I knew I was going to have to have an operation I have had an irrational fear that something awful is going to happen........ like I am going to die.

On one hand it isn't that irrational ..... because every time I have had surgery I have had a massive reaction to the anesthetic. Each time I have had surgery that reaction has gotten worse.... until the last time when I was told no more surgery unless it is absolutely necessary. AND yes I know this is absolutely necessary...... and yes I know that the surgeon will be prepared for my reactions....... but the fear lingers.

When I was told that the operation wouldn't take place until January or February at the earliest, I relaxed. I would worry in January or February. I was not going to stress now.

Today I got a call - from the surgeon's office and the hospital. My pre-op tests were scheduled for this Friday Dec 10th and the surgery was scheduled for the following Friday Dec. 17th.

I couldn't do it. The fear took over and I just couldn't do it. I told them that I was fine now.. that I could wait till January or February. The nurse tried to coax a little bit.. but I stood firm.

I know it is stupid... I know I am stupid.

BUT if something awful happened during surgery... if I died....... shrug.. it is really hard to explain..... I want one more Christmas with my family.. I want one more.....

So I refused the surgery ....... until the new year.

Fear can be a paralyzing thing

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Peaceful


I have just put in two terrible horrible no good days.

First there was the forecast of snow flurries that turned into a major snow storm that is still huffing and puffing outside my windows. Then my integrity was questioned. Then a very small person tried to use me to make herself feel bigger.

I came home storming - worse than the storm buffeting my car. I was gonna write.. and write and write.. tell you all my tale of woes...

BUT.. somewhere between the last stop sign and my warm living room I decided that snow makes the whole world look like Christmas, that I know my integrity is intact and to hell with those that doubt it... and small people who need to feel big by "owning a parking space" in a huge parking lot, can have the damn spot.. I am a bigger person than that... than all of it.

So I went downstairs and dragged the Christmas tree up to the living room...moved furniture around.. and started to decorate.

And the most amazing thing happened .. between the candle lights going on.. and the hand picked decorations... and finally - lastly the angel on top.... all the anger was gone.

So now I am sitting peacefully snuggled up on the sofa.. admiring my tree.. and smiling at my male cat curled up contentedly underneath the boughs ...

Life is very good when you know who you are and have nothing to prove

Monday, December 06, 2010

Crisis

YES I am having a crisis - a major crisis - a "I can't think or move" crisis - a "HELP ME" crisis.

I was bragging I had almost finished my Christmas shopping ......... and I have...

SEE




and that picture doesn't show a couple of gifts - cause big daughter reads here and I don't want to ruin the Christmas surprise.. It also doesn't include the "Santa key" I bought for the lil grandbabies - nor the granny recorded "Twas the Night before Christmas" book for all the grandkids....

BUT

I am missing a gift for someone very special in my life... a grinch of huge proportions who refuses.. REFUSES... to give me any ideas or hints or suggestions for a Christmas gift!!! AND just to increase my crisis / stress levels he has a birthday 3 days AFTER Christmas !!!!

Who is it I am talking about ?? Who do you think - pffffffffffft - Warren of course!!!

And he wonders so innocently what it is he does that stresses me !!!!

I have an idea...... I think it is a good idea....... but I would have to give it to him for both Christmas AND his birthday .......... and I have always tried to stay away from doing that.. cause his memories of Christmas / birthday are memories of the two days mixing together and neither one being all that special :(

But then when I think about the idea......... I wonder if it is such a good idea.. maybe it would be a waste.. he doesn't really need it... sort of another gadget/toy for him to muck around with and maybe loose interest in a month..........

ohhhhhhhhh what to do ... what to do???!!!

( oh yeah - I also have to find something for the ex-husband who always shares special occasions with us.......but I can always get him a gift certificate)


Sunday, December 05, 2010

Presents Galore

Well I am home - safe and sound - and OH so contented !!!

For the record - we had a glorious day. We laughed and shopped and poked around . We held hands, I walked with his arm warmly draped over my shoulders, we kissed, it was all and more than I dreamed. (and for the record I didn't even get 'bitchy' - well not by my standards!! Not even at 7:00 p.m. when we were finishing up the groceries )

I found bargains too which is GREAT!! and I found plain turtlenecks (for me) that I haven't been able to find up here in the Great White North - well not under $30.. and I got 3 turtlenecks - different colours - for under $20!!!

But the very best part of yesterday - was time... the time we spent together. And the closeness we are finding again.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Adventure

We - that is Warren and I - have plans today. BIG plans. Exciting plans. Christmas plans.

We are going to the States for the day .......... to .............. do.............

Christmas shopping!!!



Ok ok I can hear some of you groaning.. I can even hear gnashing of teeth. But hang on a second. This is really truly no stress Christmas shopping. First off I am almost finished my shopping. sort of.. kind of... and I sort of.. kind of.. know what I am looking for ... sort of... kind of... if I can find it.

But today's shopping trip is more like a tradition. Warren and I go to the States every year around this time and poke and browse around the shops - looking to see if we can find any bargains.. anything special that you just can't find in the Great White North........ and we talk and laugh and yeah sometimes I get bitchy (but only when I am tired and the day is over and Warren wants to do one more shop!! - Have I ever told you how much Warren LOVES shopping???!!)

Christmas for me anyway is all about tradition. Oh the traditions may change a little each year - like my themes for Christmas change every year. But there are some engraved in stone traditions that don't change. Like the garland around my fireplace - the poinsettia gracing the house - the Christmas tree (which has gotten smaller over the years) sitting in front of the living room window - the Christmas music - the Christmas Eve buffet with the family.

Tradition that is what makes Christmas special for me.. It isn't the day with all the confusion and noise and presents and wrapping paper flying everywhere. It isn't getting gifts.. It is the quiet special times before Christmas - getting ready for the day ... wrapping the gifts on the floor in front of fire (the on the floor bit now makes my back ache and my knees lock up - but it IS tradition!!) It is quietly putting the special little Christmas touches around the house. It is holding my family close to my heart. It is remembering all the wonderful Christmases that have long since been relegated to fond memories. It is shedding tears over Christmas songs that make my heart so full it spills over.

And so it is with this shopping trip today to the States. It has become tradition. Even if I don't find the special gift.. even if I only come home with groceries. It is a day spent with a loved one, laughing and talking and sharing secrets, and yeah even bitching when I get tired. It is part of the Christmas tradition that makes my holiday so special.

Friday, December 03, 2010

Comfort


I started to put up some Christmas decorations .... I started to think about menus.. I started to think about Christmas baking.....

And then I did the one thing.. the most important thing ... I called youngest daughter and asked when I could have the grandkids...... not for the whole day as in the past. A day filled with decorating the tree, and the house.... making gingerbread houses whose roofs inevitably slide off before they go home... making decorations ... playing in the snow.......... A full day.

This year we are going to compromise. The kids can't come till the 18th - and I want my tree up way before then !!! So far there is no snow. And me thinks no self demolishing gingerbread houses. BUT we will still find stuff to do at granny's house... maybe even Grumps (otherwise known as Warren) will be convinced to drag out the Christmas train and set it up downstairs in the now playroom.

This year there will be 3 .... the baby will be granny's challenge. BUT hey .. I have done babies before I can do babies again........ right??

And as I sit and plan the day...... (and wonder if we will be able to squeeze in a play party after the grandkids have gone home) I realize that the best part of Christmas.. the very best part....... is family. Gathering the grandkids and the kids around... sitting and watching the confusion and trying to hear over the noise and commotion.... hearing the squeals of delight.. and the look of awe on their faces... knowing that in all this fast paced time of celebration....... that there is comfort to be found in the touch of a small hand.

Christmas is hope and comfort.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Darkness


It may seem strange to some of you that my second Christmas posting would be titled "Darkness"

And yet to me - it seems the best time to talk about a time in my life where there was no lightness - no joy - and for a time almost no tomorrow.

I guess when I think about my life - in general - I have to say the darkness started at a very young age. I had terrible horrible nightmares - so much so that my parents took me to a doctor who put me on anti-depressants. You have to realize that I am not talking about teenage years or puberty - I was four years old when I was first started on the drugs. And was on and off them for many years when I lived at home.

There were good reasons (I guess) for the night terrors and the drugs.... and I blame no one for treating with drugs .. rather than a counselor - it was what it was.

When I was older - on my own - married - having children - through that part of my life I believe now I suffered from manic depression. I would have wildly exciting up beat days - where the energy flowed and I was almost a whirling dervish in my activity and accomplishments. BUT they were always followed by days - sometimes weeks of darkness when I could barely bring myself to leave my bed.

And I had - on my own - come to the conclusion being medicated on and off.. to control the ups and downs of my life was not the answer - much to my parents chagrin.

The big turning point in my life came when my father died. The man who had controlled my life since the day I was born was gone... and I had no idea.. not one ... how I was going to function without him in my life daily.

I pulled into myself... my world got smaller and smaller till I could barely drive down the street to the grocery store. Fortunately for me a part of my brain was hanging on to sanity by a thin thread. And that part of my brain made me pick up the phone one day and call for help.

And help came.

In the form of a wonderful man who spent days and weeks .. months and finally years helping me face my life... I fought not to lose the up days.. I didn't want to lose them.. they were wonderful days.. days when I felt .. no KNEW.. I could conquer anything. If the trade off were days where I could barely function - I didn't care .. I didn't want to lose the highs.

It took a long time for me to realize that not everyone lived with these extreme highs and extreme lows. It also took me a long while to realize that drugs - of any kind - even aspirin had to be abolished. I had to learn to live life like everyone else.,..without an artificial crutch.

When I say it took years - I am not exaggerating.. 3 years if memory serves me right - where I struggled with myself - fought with myself - placed blame everywhere but where it should be placed.

I grew up a lifetime in those 3 years.,.. I learned only I was responsible for what I felt ..... no one could make me happy and no one could make me sad. It was my choice and my doing.

And gradually .. slowly but surely.. I started to heal.. I started to live and feel life like the average person.


That is not to say I don't still have blue days.. I do.. hell who doesn't??!! I won't say I don't still have massive doubts that I can do my job, or live on my own, or anything else that an adult would do..... But I fight on.. one day at a time.. and always believing (or trying to ) that tomorrow will be better

Some of you may question my submissive needs.. my masochist needs ... and wonder if they aren't tied into my emotional make up..,... I'll do that debate with you all another day........

I just felt that for today - I had to step forward and say "I have been in the darkest of dark places. And I have fought to come back. And it is well worth the fight!!"


Wednesday, December 01, 2010

December 1st


H O P E

Today was "doctor day" ...... I was a basket case - which is putting it mildly. Fortunately Warren came and literally and figuratively held my hand. The surgeon was young....... my god he didn't look old enough to be out of high school.... and for the life of me I can't pronounce his name. So he is just "Dr. Gerry Poly"

Everything went along fine till he said 'no surgery til the new year - January or February' Then the dam broke. I could barely get the words out "how am I supposed to stay on this fasting diet till THEN???!!" and I thought how can I live with the fear this damn thing is going to rupture???!!!

He tried to be reassuring - telling me to eat what I wanted - just no greasy fatty foods. But I was still scared. He went out and came back - saying he had seen my blood tests that were done 6 weeks ago and they showed no liver involvement.. in fact they looked pretty good. (Different story than what I got at the clinic - where they made me feel I should be operated on immediately)

Then to be really on the safe side he sent me off for an ultra sound. I figured they would send me away - with an appointment but nope .. they had me sit and drink water and within 30 minutes they had called me to have it done.

The doctor that came in to read the results was even more reassuring. She told me my kidneys, liver, spleen and pancreas looked excellent !! No stones in the bile ducts. BUT yes my gall bladder was definitely filled with stones and was - in her words - a chronic problem. BUT not acute. She patted my hand and told me to have the surgery in January or February and enjoy my holidays. I brought up the diet and she poohed poohed it... telling me to eat red meat.. eat anything I wanted - in moderation - just no greasy foods.

I left the hospital feeling so much more confident.. relieved.. even a little excited. I had a hamburger for lunch - with ONIONS - and didn't even have a twinge. The worry has lessened.... and Christmas is once again an exciting event to plan for.

Warren took me shopping for Christmas presents and miscellaneous "stuff" I just have to have for the holidays....... He even bought me the most gorgeous......... biggest...... poinsettia I have ever seen !!!! As well as a Tim Horton's Christmas mug for being such a "good girl" at the hospital !!

So.......... In the spirit of Hope and all things Christmas I have changed the look of the blog a wee bit ........ and am hoping to post (as in past years) one post every day through the month of December.


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