Thursday, April 22, 2021

I'm Weird

 


Ok I am officially weird...... ok ok - more weird than you thought (grinning)

I LOVE cleaning the house...... well maybe not LOVE the act - I like that - but I DO love the clean house when it's all done.  There is something cathartic about scrubbing the floors - washing down the walls - dusting and vacuuming - sorting and putting away.  AND when it's all done - and I collapse exhausted down onto the sofa - it's a good exhaustion!  I earned this exhaustion..... 

On Tuesday I cleaned the bathroom - it took 2 hours.  AND trust me when I say it is NOT a big bathroom - like you can sit on the toilet and brush your teeth in the sink (grinning) and it took 2 hours!!  I pulled the step ladder into the bathroom - climbed up and took down the fan and cleaned/washed it - took the shower curtain down and threw it in the washing machine - as well as the bath mats... I cleaned the moulding over the shower/tub ... washed all the baseboards ... scrubbed the shower from the top to the bottom... wiped down finger prints everywhere - oh yeah and washed and polished the light fixture over the sink (as well as all the usual bathroom cleaning - sink toilet etc)
AND it felt fantastic!  

Today I am cleaning the house..... I just finished washing the floors - (UGH who knew the mud room was sooooooo dirty) I used my favourite cleanser - Pine Sol - the house smells so damn good when I'm done.... I'm waiting for the floors to dry so I can drag the vacuum out and get the rugs done........ then there's the dusting and the tidying and putting away .......... and then the house will be clean and I'll collapse exhausted ....... it will take me about 4 - 5 hours to get it all done - but in that time I won't think about covid or rising numbers once.... and the world will seem normal... 

I'll feel normal - and that's a good thing !

Wednesday, April 21, 2021

Friends

 


 

Over this past year - there have been more than a few posts that describe my desperation?? my frustration?? my angst?? maybe all of them....... and every single time you have all rallied round and supported me........ you are amazing people!!

I almost didn't post yesterday's blog cause it seemed so 'here she goes again-ish'..... and not one of you said that to me - OH you may have thought it but no one said it! Most of your comments had me giggling ..... everything from the virtual road trip down to PK's pool book in hand - to Prefectdt's headbutts.... to the 'me too's' 

I am learning the true value of friends........ even ones I have never met - will probably never meet - but still friends.  and I want to say a BIG thank you to each and every one of you............ together we'll get through this.

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

Too much

 


 Do you still have days when it - all of it - everything - just feels too much... so heavy that you feel physically weighed down?

We're locked down again - under a stay at home order..... till May 20th at the earliest.  Today it feels hard to keep going... to smile and act as though everything is just fine......... 

IT'S NOT FINE!  not even close.

I'm tired - emotionally exhausted.  No desire to prep for camping - as much as I am sure it will happen eventually - I can't work up any enthusiasm ......none.

I don't care about meals - or even trying to make interesting food....... everything tastes blah...... boring.. dull.
I had started trying to exercise - but that didn't last long........
I tried reading outside on the front deck  - but it's just not warm enough
I'm tired of trying ya know?

I'm tired of the climbing numbers and the covidiots and the feelings of fear and anxiety.

I'm just tired 


(and yes I know this too will pass)


 

Monday, April 19, 2021

End of My Spring Break...

 


 Well Spring break ended with a whimper........ whatever 'celebration' I had hoped for to end the break didn't happen.......... On Saturday I was still just a little bit off kilter ... by Sunday my libido had resurrected itself and I was feeling feisty and ready to rock and roll.......... Unfortunately Sir Steve came down with a migraine.............. so spring break just kinda petered out 

Good news though - Sir Steve did go through his clothes and managed to fill one bag for our "I give a Shirt" campaign.  I think for him it was a little trip down memory lane cause OMG he found a shirt he had worn during his FIRST marriage !!  (we won't talk about how long ago that was!!)  On the plus side he found shirts he forgot he had and even found a brand new pair of jeans that he's never worn cause they need to be hemmed!! (shades of my finding the white pants in the back of my closet!)

Even though we didn't have 'adult time' this weekend - we did have a great one..... we watched a couple of good movies... we talked a lot about nothing in particular and about everything ..... and we laughed.... I never realized how little I laughed in past relationships (spontaneous laughter)... it feels so good to laugh till your belly aches....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would love some feed back on something..........
I told you all how we have started to have 'THE TALK' with the lil one.  Sir Steve and I discussed getting her 'training bras'.  I suggested we ask her IF she wanted one - cause ya know maybe she doesn't want one. 

So we asked - and she said YES! though I am wondering if that yes was because it's some sort of 'badge of honour'?  I'm wondering if she will wear it for a day and then strip it off. 

I wonder if it's OUR need to see her fully covered? (for lack of a better term) I find myself wondering why we feel the need to plunk them into bras - to shape and form and maybe kind of hide them?  Are we sexualizing breasts?? on an 8 year old??!!

AND I'm shocking myself - cause when my girls were ready for bras trust me they got them and they wore them! (stern mother look)

Anyway - we did get some 'training bras' for her



and I'm in the process of washing them this morning.

So tell me - what are your thoughts on 'training bras'????

Sunday, April 18, 2021

Saturday, April 17, 2021

UGH

 


 

I thought I had been lucky with no major side effects to the vaccine........ Oh I was a little tired and a little sore but otherwise thought I was doing ok....

EXCEPT

by yesterday I realized I had been having trouble staying focused on tasks - everything seemed to take so much effort .. and when I did something as simple as making the bed - I was exhausted - absolutely bone weary - and had to lie down.  On Thursday I was aware that I seemed to have moments of dizziness... and was tripping over my feet cause my legs weren't working that well.  I checked the known side effects and didn't find my complaints listed so figured I must have some bug or something........ 

EXCEPT 

I realized last evening that my appetite was back ........ and the headache was gone ... and I had interest in talking and being social. My legs felt strong again and I could walk a straight line without weaving.

SO

I am guessing that I have been recovering from the vaccination... weird as it may seem.  I want to apologize for not commenting on blogs - or commenting with my usual enthusiasm. BUT it would seem I am back!!!  

Life is good when the body feels normal again. 

Friday, April 16, 2021

PeaceKeeper or PeaceMaker

 


 Are you a PeaceKeeper OR a PeaceMaker??  

Windy got me thinking about which one I was in her post today "No on Peace".  My knee jerk reaction was "neither - I'm a SH*T disturber".  

I can be a little hard on myself I think....... for the most part I HATE confrontations - I will actually get up and leave if there is a 'heated discussion' going on.  (that dates back to the "happy" family Sunday dinners at my grandmother's - where discussions always got heated and voices were raised and I would think I was going to throw up)

When I really think about which I am - I believe I am both.... first I work to MAKE peace .. then I work doubly hard to KEEP that peace - at least in my close relationships.  I have learned (am learning?) how to voice problems for the best solution.  I don't point fingers as much as I used to....... I hear myself saying more and more 'I am FEELING' ... no finger pointing - no blame. 

BUT - out in the world - where stupid people live - I'm not so politically correct.......or calm.  I suffer from knee jerk reactions........ verging on temper tantrums.  People who lie - outward lie - do something to my zen........ 

I go from zen calm............. 



to emotional eruptions.............. in record time


 

With stupid people who lie....... I can not hold my tongue....... I try but fail every time....I don't think it's a desire to be right - it's more a 'don't insult my intelligence' - like telling me you are not EVEN doing groceries when last week you were late picking up cause you were grocery shopping! Oh and let's not forget someone who didn't pay any bills for over a year and then claimed they didn't understand why they lost their house...or how about someone who got so caught up in a fantasy they had that they landed up making stupid decisions that landed them up in major hot water........... 

It makes my head spin - honestly!  I just want to retreat inside our home - close and lock the doors and shut the world out....... cause ya can't fix stupid.  

Life is challenging when stupid people disrupt your peace keeping efforts....... 

Thursday, April 15, 2021

I Give a Shit - ahhh - Shirt

 

We recycle - I'm pretty sure everyone does these days... cause ya know if you don't you are a target for the recycling nazis.  We're not rabid recyclers...but we do our bit.  Every spring and fall - I go through the lil one's clothes and mine.... sorting out what doesn't fit .. what isn't going to be worn .... and bag them.  In the past we would drag these bags to second hand thrift shops - but GAH!!  it took forever to schedule a drop off - even before the pandemic!  And the bags would sit for weeks at the back door.  Occasionally we would have a family we could pass along the lil one's clothes to... cause ya know kids out grow their clothes seasonally.  BUT it was a hazzle.. and I was tempted - more often than not - to just toss them in the garbage.  (yeah yeah I know - BAD BAD BAD!!)

Then in 2019 we got notification that our city was doing a "I Give a Shirt" campaign.  The principal was simple......... fill up a garbage bag with gently used clothing, label it and on the scheduled day put it out with your garbage.  The city would come around and collect all the bags and take them to charities / second hand stores for distribution.  In return we got a sticker "I give a shirt" to put on our recycling bin.

WOW!  great idea and so much easier for us.  We put our first bag out in 2019.  Last year - despite the pandemic - our city ran the campaign again..... and we put another bag out.  Yesterday they announced this year's campaign.  Apparently last year they collected 27,000 pounds - yes 27,000 pounds! - of clothing. Next week is the collection date.......... and because of the huge participation they are going to run another pick up in October.   It boggles the mind ya know?!

I started cleaning out cupboards this morning....... this bag is just MY clothing - stuff that is dated or I just never really liked.

 


Next I'm moving to the lil one's room........... 

Last night when we were snuggled in bed - Sir Steve asked what my plans were for today - I told him sorting out my clothes, the lil one's clothes ... and mumbled "and your clothes".  He said to do mine and the lil one's but leave his alone.  le sigh.  I'm hoping I can get him to at least take a look at the cupboard full of his clothes and go through his drawers of clothes and maybe part with some??!!  He isn't even that interested in replacing the old clothes with new clothes.  Is that a man thing?? cause I mean seriously - who doesn't want to buy new clothes?? In my experience - M.E.N.

Life is good when I can sort and donate and have tidier cupboards!

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

Half Way

 


 

Today is Wednesday - which means we are half way through Spring Break. 

I feel guilty admitting how much I have enjoyed this break..... especially the quiet... there is no one  around - ALL DAY - no talking... no noise..... I LOVE
IT !!  I miss the peace and quiet more than anything I think.

I have been doing small jobs (for the most part) that kinda get forgotten.... Monday I got my car washed...... one of those drive through - no touch - no people places.   


 now my 'pumpkin' looks wonderful - ready for spring !!! 

Today my goal is to descale our coffee maker...... I don't remember the last time I did that... BUT my coffee tasted like sh*t this morning - so it's definitely due (grinning)

and the last half of this Spring break is unscheduled and that is a very good thing!! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

just a little update on my vaccination reactions...... I am amazed at how few reactions I had...... I had no swelling at the injection site...   usually my arm swells up till it feels like the skin is going to split........ absolutely no swelling this time! I did have a weird afternoon - I felt out of sorts - not like myself... the smallest task left me exhausted ... and my arm hurt!  Fondles - I did move it around right after the shot and didn't favour it - but OMG it hurt... still hurts.  But that's a small price to pay !  I crawled into bed and slept like a log all night - ALL NIGHT!  I joked with Sir Steve that I want a shot every day if I am gonna sleep that well !!!

Life is good when peace and quiet returns - even if it's just for a week 

Tuesday, April 13, 2021

Today's the Day

 


 Off for my shot this morning....... 

Stay Tuned..............  

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was so impressed with how smoothly it went....... line ups to get in.. line ups to register.. line ups to get vaccine....... BUT I was in and out in 45 minutes!!!

This vaccination center will do 1,017 shots just today!!! 

 


 


 
Told this health worker he gives the best shots - didn't feel it go in!!!


4 months till the 2nd shot 

Life is good when you start the journey to full immunization! 

Monday, April 12, 2021

Best of Times - Worst of Times

 


 The weather man gave us a spring break gift on the weekend - well on Saturday - the sun shone brightly and the temperatures were summer like - 24 Celsius (75 Fahrenheit)
I sat outside with my book soaking up the warmth and sunshine...... it felt SO good!!



Sunday was sunny but not as warm....... didn't matter cause Sir Steve (and I) had plans!! UNTIL - I went down for the count - something I ate did NOT agree with me - le sigh........... 



I also marvelled at how the lil one's other family teach her by example. (and raise my blood pressure!!)  In case you didn't know - we are under lock down rules - STAY AT HOME! - so in the interest of teaching the lil one how one respects rules - they packed up the family and went off to another province!  to their campgrounds on Saturday!  



Today  I am feeling much better - just in time for Sir Steve to go back to work... le sigh again.  BUT I don't have to watch the clock - or worry about school work... YAY!!  oh the chores must still get done... but no pressure ya know??!!  AND that is a very good thing...

Sunday, April 11, 2021

Saturday, April 10, 2021

FINALLY!

 


 

I made it!!

WE made it!!

As of noon yesterday we are on Spring break!!! THE mother picked up the lil one at noon...and now we have 10 days of relaxing.... and recharging.

It couldn't have come soon enough - we were done - the teachers were done and then - there was an outbreak of Covid at the lil one's school this week - the school was closed and all learning was moved on line for the last 3 days.

Life is good when you make it to Spring break without killing anyone! 

 

Thursday, April 08, 2021

*Our* TTWD

 


 Right - here we go........... 

These are my favourite parts of our TTWD:

* when Sir Steve claims ownership -  He'll grab a boob or other body part and say "it's mine!" not always - but when he does - my heart melts.

* I love that I always fall asleep snuggled into his body while he holds my boob tight

*  when the toys are laid out and I am naked - that is when *SIR* Steve really comes out .. that's when my heart beats fastest ... when I feel his hand pressing on my back holding me down... when I feel him step between my legs to get the exact angle he wants.. when I feel the roughness / the scratchiness of his jeans against my bare skin... when the knife comes out and slides between my legs - teasing my pink bits...  I hold my breath ...my trust is almost tangible... 

When I am under his hand - submitting to the Sadist that is my Sir Steve.... that is when I am happiest.. when I am the most grounded.  THAT is the best part of our TTWD.

~~~~~~~~~~~


Those are the tangible things I love - BUT I want to add a few intangibles that I have come to realize are so important to my peace of mind -

I love the feeling of freedom - no stress - no walking on eggshells - no feelings of failure.  In our TTWD we are a team - supporting each other - respecting each other - loving each other and that is a VERY good thing :)

Wednesday, April 07, 2021

TTWD

 

 


 

The one comment I heard a lot - after my post 'A Little History' - was how amazed folks were that I could trust again. It didn't happen over night... believe me.  

I had to find a new way to do TTWD.... I had to find a safe way to do TTWD.

Then ronnie asked me what my favourite part of TTWD was.  I couldn't answer it.  I suddenly felt like a fraud.  We don't do TTWD.  OMG I was gonna have to stop blogging.. I was gonna have to stop commenting.

Then there were a few bloggers who were writing about their submission - about their TTWD and I felt familiar pangs.  I wanted THAT!  They were talking about communicating with their partners and building their TTWD.

THAT'S IT!!  THAT'S WHAT I HAD TO DO!!!  I would sit Sir Steve down and we'd communicate and we'd make our own TTWD!!!  

AND then I'd be in the club again!!!  

Then I read a blog - and my world spiralled out of control.  I was in panic mode.  and I was angry.  I turned to willie.  I needed someone who might hear me - might see we (yeah yeah I was sure willie would react the same as I had) HAD to rescue her... she was in trouble - couldn't anyone see that??!!!  Willie quietly explained how she saw it.  It wasn't how I was seeing it.  My heart slowed down.  

BUT I still had problems - obeying someone?!!  Doing whatever they wanted??? no no no .. everyone had to see how wrong that was... so I asked my 2 questions.  BUT no one gave me examples of the rules I had had to obey.  I couldn't see any humiliation.  I couldn't see anyone being made to feel stupid.  WHAT?!!!  Then I calmed down more - and I realized it was my TPE hell that was colouring my reactions.  kind of a PTSD (though I hate using that term !)

Suddenly (ok ok it wasn't all THAT sudden) everything started to fall into place.  I could see our TTWD with clearer eyes.  I could see what it is that I like about it.. and the reason WHY I like it. 

Are you all still with me?? I really felt the need to explain why it has taken me so long to actually answer ronnie's question 'what's your favourite part of TTWD'? The pieces all had to fall into place and fit. and I believe that's where I am now.  Tomorrow I will finally answer ronnie's question!

Life is truly a continuing journey! 

Tuesday, April 06, 2021

Happy Me

 


 Last week I whispered to Sir Steve - asking - IF the stars all aligned - IF we could maybe have a full fun weekend.  He laughed and said it sounded like a plan....... BUT to be honest we've made 'fun' plans before and it didn't pan out... look at last weekend when we had car trouble........ le sigh... so yeah I didn't hold out much hope for a FULL weekend
(FULL - defined as play time and sex ......)

The other thing we've been discussing is play time and how it's not working well... bent over the bed has it's limitations.  Our bed is so high that bending over it means I am on tip toes...... and my feet slip ... and I'm always having to adjust... and I can get cramps in my legs or my toes... We decided - seeing as on weekends we are totally alone - to move play time to the living room...  standing bent over the back of the chair..... 

Saturday evening Sir Steve told me I had 30 minutes AND I was to pick 4 toys!!!  Talk about stress!!!  I'm to pick the toys??!!  HOW am I supposed to know what toys he wants??!!!  OH WAIT!  He wants it to be MY favourite toys!!!  wrap your head around that one - subbie morningstar!

I picked the crop....... the quirt....... the leather paddle........ and Sir Steve's BIG heavy flogger.

and oh my lord it was AMAZING!  endorphins galore!  adrenaline galore! pretty colours and dancing fairies !!!!  

Sunday was quietish - I cooked Easter dinner for the two of us  - lamb and roast potatoes if anyone really cares (grinning) And then curled up on the sofa to watch TV with my Sir........ except after I yawned... Sir Steve asked how I was - I said tired - he said - nope not allowed we're going to the bedroom!!

WHAT? Honest true??!!  play last night AND sex tonite?? (which truthfully is just more play for me! I keep saying it's a good thing I'm a masochist!)  AND for the record OMG it was fantastic!!  it's always good BUT ya know sometimes it's FANTASTIC!! 

More endorphins and more adrenaline!!!

Life is good when on Monday you have bruises on your ass and yeah on your cervix too :) 

Monday, April 05, 2021

A Little History

 

Many of you are new around The Journey - or missed some of MY history.  As some of you know I have been working on a follow up to our TTWD...... There is a draft I have been working on...... and I was thinking it would be ready to post this week.   BUT I am thinking that at least some of my back story should be posted now.......... 

I honestly didn't realize how much my history was affecting my now.....  There were some posts in blogland that were triggering a guttural reaction in me.... and I reached out to  willie.  She was great at guiding me through my own personal nightmares.. what I called my TPE (total power exchange) hell. So let me give you some of my history - hoping it might explain my future TTWD blog.

Many years ago when I first started to dabble in D/s - BDSM... I met a man.. just a man... and for whatever reason we started playing together... I enjoyed it... he enjoyed it... we started to explore D/s together.  It seemed a good pairing ya know - two people learning from square 1 together.  You'd think working together would create a bond / a TTWD relationship that fit both of us perfectly right??   

We moved from dabbling in D/s to full on TPE.  BUT at that time he wasn't living with me during the week - I was working .. he had responsibilities... it was only on weekends.  I realize and accept full responsibility for some of the damage ... not all but some.  Red flags should have been raised - but they weren't.  We went through some bumpy times - but eventually we did actually move from Quebec to Ontario...... and I retired from work.  We were now living 24/7 TPE ...  He got deep into my head... I was made to feel responsible for everything that went wrong - including how much snow we received (yeah yeah I know - how stupid could I be!!?? but I felt guilty)  He started making it awkward for me to see my family... he controlled who I talked to at munches/parties... he seemed to have no boundaries - often humiliating me in public.  

Honestly I didn't 'see' how bad things were.. how much *I* had disappeared.  I felt very isolated and very alone.  He would come and go as he pleased (as it turned out seeing other women  - playing with other women - lying to me and to others) 

Then friends in this new to me community banded together ......... they got me alone .. and they told me it was time I moved out - took my collar off and got free.  They told me bluntly what they thought of this man who was my Master... they offered any and all help to get me out - to get me safe.  Yes safe !!  that's how bad it was.  and I did it...... and it was hard.......... it nearly broke me.  I had to learn to live alone - to find my way and OMG it took so long!!  I landed up in the doctor's office a blubbering mess ... he got me into therapy.... it was a long long road back to normalcy.  I couldn't have done it without those friends .......... 

Did this man - this ex sir - disappear ? leave me alone? nope..... he would post on his blog his angst.. his anger towards me. He would mail me threatening letters... He tried demanding money from me...  It scared me.  It scared folks in the community who kept a close eye on me.  I didn't think I would ever be free ........ 

So I started to plan yet another move.  A move out of his city.... was looking westward .. my daughters weren't happy - they wanted me closer not further away.  

It was at this point that Sir Steve was on the edges of my life.... we were talking.... renewing our friendship.  He suggested I move to his city - move east  -- putting me less than an hour from both daughters.  It made sense..... closer to my family... much MUCH lower rents... so I found an apartment and moved.  I didn't give anyone - ANYONE - my contact information. (I have to add here that those friends who helped me - they knew how to contact me.. and some of them even came to visit - to check out how I was doing - small smile - they are GOOD friends)  I finally felt safe.  

Time passed.  I felt safer.   IF ex sir tried to post comments on here and they weren't appropriate I would simply delete them.  BUT being me - every once in a while I would allow a decent comment from him to be posted.  Then this ex sir went through a really rough patch. There was a serious episode this past year.... non BDSM related - but demonstrating yet again how lucky I was to be out of this relationship.  even still I tried to be a 'friend' to him.  (ok ok slap me upside the head!) I thought that perhaps we could now be just friends..  (ok ok slap me upside the head again!)  Cause this morning Fondles sent me a message telling me this ex sir had left a comment for me on HER blog!  WTF??!!! She described it as 'passive/aggressive'.  So things haven't changed.  not one bit. He's still trying to get to me - to push my buttons.

Thankfully I have Sir Steve.  This poor man probably has had more than he originally bargained for.... he has helped me heal .. he has helped me stand on my feet again.. to feel good enough... to feel special.. to feel loved. 

History is important to our stories....... it is what makes us who we are.... 

Sunday, April 04, 2021

Happy Easter

 


 

 


 

My Easter Bunny name is ......"Smartie Sparkle Pop"
What's yours?

 


 

Saturday, April 03, 2021

Quick Question

 


 

Ever since ronnie asked me about our TTWD I have been mulling over our relationship - especially the term submissive/submission.

I am drafting a blog on submission........ but I would really like some input.  (really NEED some input?)

I have 2 quick questions to pose to you...... if you can find time over the holiday weekend to leave me your answers that would be wonderful............ 

1) what is the one thing you do that brings out the submissive mind set for you (and not cooking / cleaning etc - vanilla housewife stuff )

2) what is the one ritual/rule - thing you do - that you do NOT like but do because your dom/master (whatever you call the left side of the slash) asks you to.... 

I promise this will all make sense - at least that's my hope (cheeky grin)

Friday, April 02, 2021

Here We Go again! (edited)

Guess what?? Guess what??!!!  I just booked my appointment for the vaccine - AND I will be getting either Moderna or Pfizer (see me do the happy dance?!)  April 13th is my personal freedom from worry day !


 So - we're going to be locked down again - the whole province.  Are we surprised? nope not at all.  The numbers have been climbing again... the hospitals are packed... so yeah ... lock down time again.

It doesn't really change our lives very much at all.... We have been isolating.. only doing essential shopping once a week... wearing our masks.. washing our hands... staying home and avoiding crowds...AND of course home schooling. The only thing I can't do is get my hair cut...... but ya know after a year..... I've come to realize the world doesn't end when my hair doesn't get cut...... oh it looks bloody awful - all sticky up and limp and shapeless.... but the world doesn't end.

Lots of complainers out there though........ they're probably the ones who don't isolate and don't want to wear masks and bitch loudly about it... they're the ones who throw parties / and caution to the wind.. and even claim (well some of them) that this whole pandemic is a hoax... le sigh.

I think I'm more discouraged/concerned by the vaccine roll out.  and all the controversy surrounding the vaccines.  I had such high hopes over getting my vaccination... now?? from thinking it might be mid to late summer before I even get my first shot... to the worry over severe side effects (it's a bit of a crap shoot ya know?) I'm feeling down.. discouraged.

So  -- check in time.  What's happening in your wee corner of the world?

Thursday, April 01, 2021

Question on My Masochism

 

 an old joke:


 

 

claire asked a question the other day -

I would be interested on your thoughts on your masochism and whether you have ever had inner conflicts that you shouldn't like the things you do pain wise?

WOW!!  how to answer in 100 words or less (grinning)

I kept my masochism a deep secret for many years.  I felt weird and felt that I didn't fit in anywhere... even in the clubs I used to play at.. I knew I was very different from other submissives.  AND dear god I never EVER told anyone that I got massively turned on by pain.  It took many years for me to accept my masochism.  AND I remember when I first told another submissive - he looked at me and laughed.  He pointed out to me that almost everyone who knew me knew I was a masochist !  Believe it or not that helped me to see that folks wouldn't think I was certifiable.

Now let's take a closer look at what masochism is for ME. 
Yes I love pain and Yes pain turns me on....... BUT when Sir Steve has me bent over the bed ass in the air.... my heart is pounding.. and I am questioning if I will be able to get on top of the pain - ride it - and finally enjoy it. 

A good Sadist knows how to get the masochist to where they should be....... it takes patience and know-how.  Sir Steve doesn't pick up the hardest toy and just start whaling on me...... that wouldn't work at all.  My body and my mind need to adjust to the sensations.. there has to be a build up.  I remember the first time I played with Sir Steve.  His reputation preceded him and I was scared!  BUT he had a rhythm .... using a small wooden paddle (small in that it neatly covered one ass cheek at a time) he would hit one side then the other.. increasing in intensity.  Every so often - specifically after a hard hit - he would use the palm of his hand and push down hard... holding it.... feeling my muscles relax and then .......... back at it.  Soon he would sense I was riding on top of the pain... surfing it ... and then the big bad toys would come out.........from that point on he was free to be the Sadist he is.  and just let the masochist that is me be me.

AND yes I do have orgasms of a sort from pain...... But again there is a 'rhythm' to it... I'm not very good at describing it cause usually I am just aware that my body is responding.. and the foggy brain clears enough to register what is happening...
AGAIN it's up to Sir Steve to give the right amount of pain - at the right speed - to bring it on....... I have no control - my body just moves as though it is being f**ked and then my back arches and my body stiffens... Sir Steve tends to wait a split second when he sees the physical reaction - not wanting to 'ruin it' ........ But once it's over he goes back to doling out pain.

When Sir Steve decides that the play time is over - he slows things down - the hits become slower and more gentle... and at the end he rubs my back and whispers in my ear and brings me back to him.

 

BUT not everyone plays like Sir Steve.... and I have played with many who thought they could give me the pain I need.  Sometimes they would just start whaling away on me.. making me gasp and work hard to get on top of the pain and ride it... Other times I have doms want to prove they can make me say 'uncle'.  They would have no rhythm .. would hit with all their strength with whatever toy struck their fancy ... and they would switch and change toys too fast to allow me time to adjust.  In my mind they weren't Sadists - they were (insert expletive) bastards who wanted to look good.  I've learned to value my masochism more now - and wouldn't play with folks like that ever again.

 

Finally - does pain always feel good?

no it doesn't.  

If I stub my toe it bloody hurts.. I have an invasive cancer test once a year (that if you're interested does involve an extreme BDSM kink - not mine but just saying) without any freezing or anaesthetic that has me in excruciating pain  and close to tears every time. 

Masochism for me is about consent and loving partners and laughing and working together for our mutual benefit. 

 


 

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