Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Protocols - just MY opinion.


I've been doing a lot of thinking about protocols - since the weekend.   I've been thinking about the "I am God" statement - how much that just pisses me off.  I've been thinking about the 128 rules I read once upon a time on the net.  I've been thinking about why it seems to me a lot of the time protocols don't work - and why most of the D/s relationships I have seen / known have imploded - or disappeared - or really REALLY struggled.

I have written this blog entry 2 .. 3 times and deleted it.  

And this morning I finally realized what has been wrong - with my opinion on protocols and protocols in general.

I believe (and please remember anything written here is no more than my opinion!!) that we try too hard to create some fantasy vision of what BDSM looks like.

No one can live in a fantasy world too long - before they cart them off to the loony bin that is.  

Protocols and all that is BDSM must be molded around and into a vanilla world - into every day life.  BUT more than that they must be molded to fit the couple.  

I am not going to sit here and tell some newbie that their dream of a "cunt in a box" will not work.  I am not going to sit here and tell anyone that their dream of having a "fuck toy" isn't going to work.  I am not going to sit here and tell you that your dream of serving on your knees - of denying your needs / wants / desires / personality to put your God like Dom first is not going to work.

I am going to tell you that I have watched - granted from afar - a "cunt in a box " disappear - a "fuck toy" become a wife and mother and actually be going to PTA meetings , that one after the other ever yielding submissive slave has stood up from her kneeling position and announced "ENOUGH".

I don't know for a fact what happened....... I do know I have some suspicions....... it all became too much to maintain 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  I believe it got old and boring and tiring.  

So where does that leave us with protocols??? 

Well I am thinking protocols may be necessary for public events - rules to live by for a short period of time......... just to make sure that everyone is on the same page and plays nice and shares.

I am thinking protocols between couples should be realistic - not some fantasy of online drivel.   

I keep thinking of one protocol that W and I had when I was collared to him.  A simple one that sorta / kinda made sense.  That showed my respect to him.. that showed my place in the scheme of things.

Every time W came to the house I was to greet him at the front door kneeling.  

Ok simple enough right??? Except front door got changed to front hall cause there wasn't enough room at the front door.  Except my knees don't bend like they used to and getting down was a long awkward procedure ...... and most of the time I was still getting down when he was in the front door - and was moving into the kitchen to dump his "stuff" and take his coat off ..........AND sometimes he even forgot to acknowledge me - or tell me to get up so I could take his "stuff" because he was so busy unloading.

So not so simple a protocol.

And I had great trouble not disagreeing with W.  Not all the time - but just during those times when I didn't agree.  

I am human - a thinking breathing human with my own opinions on stuff (now there's a shock right??) And when I did disagree - after biting my tongue for a long time - it usually landed up with me feeling angry and W feeling angry.

Now ......... NOW......... things are so much better that I don't have to pretend that W is GOD.  I disagree with him... and he listens to me and we discuss things... and sometimes we come away agreeing to disagree.  BUT I do know that I don't get nearly as angry anymore (well most of the time - I am a bit of a hot head) because I feel that W is listening to me and hearing me.......... and validating my feelings.  (Cause ya see sometimes a GOD-like Dom doesn't see the need to validate their s-type's feelings - cause after all they are ONLY an s-type) 


I do believe that protocols can create a thing of beauty - the Japanese tea service comes to mind - with it's rituals and flowing movements that creates a thing of beauty.  

I think protocols should validate BOTH the GOD-like Dom and the s-type.  Bringing them closer together - not elevating one above the other.  It is in our natures to be dom or sub and I believe we need to follow our instincts - not force them - not regulate them.  And the end product might produce a Dom / sub relationship that is a thing of beauty.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Bleh!






i am home today.... sniffling and sneezing and feeling like something the cat dragged in.

Yeah yeah it's just a cold ............ BUT.. i still feel like crap.

AND NO!  i am not always sick - i can hear you whispering behind my back.. yeah i can !!!

I think it was yesterday i researched the common cold....
Did you know that adults get 2 - 4 colds a year??
Did you know that the reason one doesn't build up any immunity to colds is because there are literally hundreds of cold viruses???
Did you know that children can catch as many as 12 colds a year????
Did you know that stress and lack of sleep lower your immunity and open you up to catching one of those hundreds of cold viruses???

So let's see now......
 last week - stress levels high due to tax season...... 
sleep deprivation due to the damn 'beep beep beeps' in the middle of the night
Add to that 
hundreds of kids hugging me - using my phone - running around coughing and sneezing on me

So yeah I got a cold.


I also discovered that sea salt nose spray doesn't work worth a damn......... AND despite their advertising - you can ( I DID) get a rebound reaction.  Cold pills make me sleep  - even the ones that claim they don't make you drowsy. (which isn't all bad - i take them at bedtime - which helps me get 3 or 4 hours of straight sleep) Tissues with the "lotion" in them still make my nose red and sore.

so ........ bleh !!! to colds and viruses and germ factories.

Monday, February 27, 2012

(un)Believable


We had a day trip planned on Saturday - run up to our Nation's Capital for a workshop on protocols and rules - attend the play party following said workshop and come home.

But the gods conspired against us.  On Friday I woke up feeling less than stellar - and then snow moved in.  On Saturday I woke up with a whooping good cold and a snow storm raging outside my window.  We opted to stay home and attend a munch instead.

Which - as it turns out - was a smart move.  The snow that was supposed to stop around mid-morning continued on through mid-afternoon.  And the cold that should have been manageable landed up knocking me flat late afternoon.  Thankfully we were close enough to home that W ran me home - I took a hot bath and went to bed. 


Yesterday I spent the day snuggled under blankets in my pjs using salt water nose spray and taking cold pills.......... all to no avail I might add.


I don't know when yesterday - but at some point I decided to check the "stats" on my blog ...... (I was bored) ........ and I was surprised to see how many people had found my blog by searching for "protocols" and " rules".  Usually the most interesting search that lands people up here is "pussy torture" ............ of all the posts I write.... of all the BDSM philosophies I rant on about - pussy torture is what brings folks here.  Perverts I tell you.. Perverts !!  (cheeky grin)


Until yesterday of course.  And it made me stop and wonder.  How coincidental that we were supposed to be going to a protocol workshop and my blog gets hit over and over and over again with searches for protocols.  

It also made me stop and think how anyone can be an expert on just about anything in this lifestyle........ hell even me.  

OOOOOOOOPs - let me explain that a bit better.  I am not saying I am an expert .... I am saying that because I write it people come and read and some will go away thinking I am some sort of expert.  Nah......... not even close.  I read a lot... I attend workshops.. W and I have tried protocols ......... and from all that I write my experience.... my opinion..... my thoughts... It certainly does not give me any major expertise on the subject.  

Mostly what I have read / learned on the net about protocols and rules boils down to one main sticking point with me.  The Dom is GOD and the s-type is mere chattel.

The opening line on a handout to the dominants from Saturday's workshop was "I am God".  I gagged.  I choked.  I bit my tongue.  I also wondered how well I would be able to behave with that sort of attitude.  GOD?? really??? aren't they setting themselves up for a mighty fall???

I was hoping that there would be some concrete - realistic views on Domination and submission.  Like what happens when the Dom can't get it up anymore so blow jobs and forced sexual intercourse isn't spontaneous anymore - more planned - like a date night?? When the economy hits and Doms lose their jobs???  What happens when the submissive's bones get old and don't bend and flex like they used to and kneeling becomes less than graceful and more like torture getting down and getting up again??  When the sub becomes the main bread winner??? When LIFE happens?!

Ahhhhhhhh it would seem that we are all still wearing rose coloured glasses.  Doms don't make mistakes ..... don't age..... and submissives are forever youthful and graceful and yielding.

I remember a coffee klutch meeting - once a long time ago - where drakor W and I discussed what happens to old Doms and subs?? Do they have an old folks home for us......... where the Doms sit on the rocking chair rocking and if a sub wants her ass spanked she lines up in front of the Dom and He holds the cane at the right height and angle and with each rock of the chair his cane would impact with her old ass. 

And that to me is as believable as Dom's being Gods and s-types being mere chattel.  Maybe one day (soon) I should write protocols for the every day BDSM couple..... write it in an authoritative manner and who knows - maybe I will land up being some guru on protocols.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well it would seem (I just checked some stats again) that the masses are back looking for pussy torture - le sigh.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Challenge # 5

I am reading more or less regularly luna's blog The Submissive Guide.  She has a blogger challenge every month - where she posts a question and we write about it on our blogs.

As I have been a little dissatisfied with the BDSM content here of late - I decided to try out this month's challenge.  (And if all goes well I may quite possibly continue to do the monthly challenges) 

This month's challenge is:


Submissive Challenge #5
That Submissive Feeling.

What brings out your most powerful submissive/slave mindset? Is it a regular occurrence in your life or do you long for those submissive/slave feelings more often?

As most of you know I do not wear W's collar.  The only time I actually do wear it - is when we go to play parties.  Then I pull the leather collar out of the toy bag and present it to him.  He fastens it around my neck.  There is something in that moment of tightening that brings me (figuratively) to my knees.  

I have this "flash" of dreams I always had about being 24/7 - a dream that for many reasons came to a screeching halt a couple of years ago (and that we are now working on??? I am working on?? to resurrect)  For that split second - I see myself on my knees at his beck and call - I see myself giving blow jobs (and god don't ask me why blow jobs seem so submissive/slave like to me - but they do seem to be a symbol of all that is slave-like in my mind)

There is something that happens to my mindset when I am wearing his leather collar - something that is very difficult to explain....... a longing.. a need.. a desire... to be the best i can be - to please - to serve.

I wonder what it is about that leather collar - about the putting it around my neck - that takes me to the very submissive side of my personality.  It doesn't work the same if I put it on ....... I think it has to do with the surrendering of my neck literally - and figuratively - the surrending of my body, my heart, my soul - to W.


Why is it that the fastening of the collar brings out the most submissive feelings in me...... I believe it is because - in that moment - we are both in the mind set of Dom and sub.  The fastening of the collar focuses our minds ....... centers our beings..... creates an intensity that in daily life is missing.


It is a physical reminder of an ethereal state.  A state that I think we both forgot about over the years I did wear his collar.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Made it!



Well it was a bloody awful week......... between sleep deprivation......... angry /threatening parents ......... a stupid lazy School Board ..........a workshop on Monday ..... an Asian "celebration" with my kiddies last night .. and a PED day today.... and of course the always stressful tax receipts.......... I am done.

Oh and I forgot to mention a total and complete melt down with W on the phone - that had me screaming like a banshee then collapsing in uncontrollable tears after I hung up (cause trust me he didn't deserve it) 

On the back burner there has been a sick daughter (ok it was just the flu but still I was worried) a planned trip to Ottawa Saturday - will it snow or not??  What to bring as it is a pot-luck .........What to wear??  Then reading some fall out around this workshop and wondering if I will be able to bite my tongue if something stupid is spewed forth as Gospel

And then this morning........ waking up with a sore throat, headache, achy bones, and stuffy nose and wondering if I should just put everyone out of their misery and shoot myself.

Oh yeah............. thank god it's Friday! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh on a brighter note...... I want to share with you our "celebration" of Asia yesterday with 150 kiddies.  

For those of you not following my insane project this year - I am attempting to teach the children about different cultures around the world ...... by "visiting" different countries for a month - 6 weeks.  We have just been to Asia - and the children have learned about some of the celebrations they have ...... they have practiced writing their names in Japanese....... they made lanterns and wish flags and lucky envelopes and wooden carp fish and dragon kites.

Yesterday we worked really hard to learn how to use chopsticks for our celebration where the children feasted on Chinese meat dumplings and of course fortune cookies.  Some other staff dropped by to see how it was going (the smell of the cooking dumplings brought them - it smelled so yummy !!) and praised me for making such an effort with the children - that felt good !!  We all need our egos stroked occasionally no??? 

Anyway........... just one picture of our cafeteria decorated for the celebration - sorry no pictures of the kiddies trying to master the chopsticks - not politically correct ........ but trust me when I say it was hilarious to watch !!!

 

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Beep Beep ............ AGAIN???!!!




It was 3:30 in the F#&!King morning today when I heard a BEEP....BEEP...BEEP.... 

not to be mistaken with yesterdays BEEP.........................BEEP............. BEEP

Nope this was an entirely different beep beep.......... it wasn't at 4 F*&!King a.m. nope this one was at 3:30 F#&$King a.m. and in the parking lot.  

I am assuming someone was using a HUGE truck for a middle of the night move.

The only good thing about this BEEP ... BEEP... I didn't have to find batteries and climb around like a monkey trying to reach the banana at the top of the tree.  Nope this beep .. beep... involved pulling the pillow over my head...... and a whole lot of cursing.  

Then it involved a whole lot of tossing and turning ........ cause ya know I WAS wide awake.

And my mind decided that ......... gee seeing as you are awake ......... let's review everything that happened yesterday............ and think about everything that has to happen today (where the hell are those bowls I need ??) and then just to keep me awake ...... let's think about whether it is going to snow too much to go to Ottawa on Saturday.

By 4 F#&!King a.m. I decided to get up and make coffee....... (and find those damn bowls I need)  it was obvious I wasn't gonna get any more sleep.

It is gonna be another longggggggggggg day............ 

And I am not gonna ask if anyone dares to ask me if I am happy.... cause there are two - count 'em - TWO smart asses who find it amusing to actually ask the rhetorical question.

Be afraid......... be VERY afraid ........ I am one tired cranky bitchy person today.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Not a Happy Camper

At 4 am............ yes you read that right - 4 F&#!King AM - i awoke to a BEEP........ BEEP........ BEEP........... BEEP.

It took a while for the noise to register - it wasn't my alarm clock - it wasn't the doorbell - it wasn't the neighbour's........ WTF was that noise????

My Fire alarm??? Couldn't be I changed the damn thing over the Christmas break.  

I quite literally stumbled down the stairs with sleepy eyes and heart racing.... grabbed the flashlight - cause ya know the security panel is in the cupboard where no one can see it.. where it is always dark... and reading the display screen is next to impossible - to see Zone 5 Fire.  

Well the house wasn't on fire.  So as I sit here typing this with my first cup of coffee of the day - listening to the constant BEEP......... BEEP...........BEEP.......BEEP.........I am guessing the damn batteries need to be changed ........... AGAIN.

Ask me if I am happy........ go on I dare you !!  I double dare you !!

Once I am awake enough to be half civilized...... I will call the damn alarm company and verify it is the batteries in the smoke / fire detector. Get them to take me off line.  Then I will find the 2 9volt batteries I need - then I will drag a kitchen chair into the hallway - turn all the F*#!King lights on so I can half see the damn thing...... fight and struggle to get the damn top off the damn fire / smoke detector - fight to get the damn batteries out - fight to get the new damn batteries in........ then the biggest fight of all - trying to get the damn top back on the damn fire/smoke detector...... then punching in codes - twice - then call the damn company back and get them to put me back on line.



Damn I didn't need this today............ this week.............. didn't need it at ALL ........... grrrrrrrrrr


Welcome to 4 o'clock in the F*#!King morning in the Great White North !!!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

lost in the maze






Back when ........ when I was collared to W .. we had protocols ........ lots of protocols.. I asked for them and I got them....... and then came the day when I didn't "get" them....... 

Over the months that W and I were separated - I was like a kid with no rules - I felt light headed with the freedom........... but there were instinctive things I did....... like fetching and carrying and serving..... (much to the chagrin of the two Sirs I was with at the time)

Now W and I are together again - not like before - it's different now.  But I sense a desire to return to some protocols from W.......... and there is definitely a strong desire for a return to some protocols on my side.  

And in the midst of our building and forming and searching for answers - there is a rather hot debate going on in our little close minded  non accepting judging mixed up community.  It seems from my vantage point - that there is a weird sort of discussion - debate - fight?? going on about those who don't approve of protocols and those who do.  (which is really an over simplified explanation of the personalities and opinions flying around)   Sometimes I think folks are confusing protocols with plain every day social skills.  Other times I think folks are putting down the people who have protocols and live the lifestyle in the "old" way.  Other times I wonder if someone is overstepping the mark and imposing their protocols on a group (or individual) which shouldn't happen either.


And because of the style of protocols that W and I had ........before....... I am confused.  Because you see the protocols we had - shouldn't - wouldn't and couldn't be imposed on anyone else.  In every sense of the word they were private things done between us. These protocols were not offered to every dominant that crossed my path.  Nor - do I believe - that W expected every submissive to follow his protocols when meeting up with him.  


So I am left wondering what the hell are people complaining about???  I believe some of it is ........ titles.  Submissives don't believe they should have to call a Dominant " Master So and So"  and I am sorry I tend to go WTF??? if the name of this person (on line name) is "Master So and So" and IF you are introduced to them that way...... why wouldn't you use it.  A name is just a name after all.  Almost everyone I know calls me "morningstar" even in vanilla settings... even when they know my "real" name.  I can't believe it's just about a name...... it all seems too silly to me.

Anyway - moving on to the real point (is there one?? ) of this blog entry.  I believe that protocols are things developed between a couple - a collared submissive and her dominant.  But that is where I get stuck in the maze and tend to go round and round and round till I get dizzy.  I have researched and listened and talked to folks trying to discover what protocols are..... what they look like.... what they sound like.. what they feel like.  What I did hear over and over again - was that protocols were somewhat private and developed to fit the needs of the couple.  (see my confusion over all this public debate on protocols??)


Then....... a while back ...... I noticed a group in Ottawa was offering a workshop on protocols ........and I mentioned it to W... and we made tentative plans to attend.  There will be a 2 hour workshop for submissives on protocols - and at the same time in another part of the club a 2 hour workshop for Dominants.  Then there will be a prep time and the submissives will perform a ritual tea service for the Dominants.

Then there will be a play party.

W and I signed up to go (weather permitting) I am hoping to gain some insight into the way other couples do protocols - what the protocols are - and how they are modified to fit with aging bodies that don't perhaps bend and move as easily and gracefully as they used to.  

And then this morning W sent me an announcement from another group across the border who are also holding workshops on protocols next weekend.  (I am thinking I might like to attend that one too)

And so it seems just when I had reached the point of thinking that I was truly as outdated as bell bottom pants and tie-died tshirts - that I (and W too) were as antiquated as the dinosaur - there appears to be a new interest (in some forums) for a return to protocols. 

So.......... W and I will be attending at least one workshop on protocols..... and perhaps having some discussions over what would work for us and what wouldn't.  Perhaps we will attend the second workshop next weekend - and have more food for thought.  And perhaps ........ just maybe ........... we will come to a consensus on protocols that will work for US........ only us.  And then perhaps we will bring more consternation to the community here .......... more raised eyebrows .... more whispers behind our backs ..... because we wish to celebrate this lifestyle in a way that makes us comfortable and happy.  


So ........... to all those nay sayers to protocols ........ I have one thing to say.


B I T E    ME
 

Monday, February 20, 2012

The day after........



On Saturday I read - over on My Bottom Smarts - the weekly brunch question.  It was related to how long your spanking sessions last.

So when W told me to get my ass over the ottoman on Saturday afternoon - I took a quick glance at the clock.....it was 3:01.  When all was said and done - I managed to look at the clock again...... it was 3:55.

But this blog entry isn't about how long our sessions last - or about the pros and cons of lengthy sessions versus shorter ones.

No this blog entry is about the day after.... the hours and hours of the day after. 

Sunday morning I was discussing whining complaining stating the fact that I don't mark.  Not one little mark. Yet I AM marked inside where no one can see. Every brush of material against my ass feels like a hot poker - every time my ass greets the seat of a chair it screams pain.  

After W left on Sunday I curled up on the sofa to lick my wounds (figuratively speaking)

My ass and my hips were pulsing.........it was as though they were a living entity separate from my body.  My shoulders hurt, my arms ached, my legs throbbed - it was as though a mysterious flu bug was ravaging my body.  


But it was no flu bug - it was the after effects of 2 sessions of whips and floggers and leather straps and white pain.  And 2 mind blowing fuck sessions that had me screaming to the skies - straining my vocal cords and tearing at the lining of my throat.


There was also a serious lethargy that controlled my body and mind.  Every movement felt as though as I was wading through chest high sludge...... normal tasks took twice as long.. there was no interest in actually completing anything - doing anything.  


My body needed to heal - to curl in on itself and rest.  


This is what they don't teach you in "masochist school" ..... this is what no one talks about ......... this is the day after ............

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Life's ambition






When I was in school - I was bullied .......a lot !!  My mother used to love to tell a story about how in grade 1 I didn't return from school one afternoon...... and she came to find me.  There I was wrestling with a boy twice my size in the school yard.  Turns out he had bullied me and I just flat out took him down.  No one was gonna say things like that to me!

As I 'matured' I didn't have the same "take 'em down" attitude I had had in grade 1.  I tended to internalize a lot of the bullying.  BUT I did add to my list of "must do's" ........ I was never gonna let another kid suffer at the hands of a bully if I could help it.

I like to believe I have worked long and hard to protect/educate/ stop bullies since I joined the education field.  Oh I don't believe I am going to stop it........ my rose coloured glasses aren't THAT rosy!!  BUT I do believe I can make a small dent.  

Now our government is getting involved.  Oh they have the answer - something no one has every thought about before (see me gag) they have legislated bullying..... making it a big NO NO.  YAY for our legislators.

But this week has brought bullying to a whole new level in "my world".  

I have an employee who is .......... for lack of a better word ...... a little bit strange.  I am the new kid on the block and have tried to give each of these employees a fair chance... trying very hard not to judge them until they get used to me and my ways.  BUT this woman is always on the edge of my consciousness.  For some unknown reason there was something that just didn't set right with me about her.  She appeared to be the clown.. the good time girl...... but there was something just under the surface that my "spidey senses" picked up on.

During the week - this woman whose job it is to use a walkie talkie to call children down to the main door for dismissal had started getting "agitated".... I couldn't figure out why..... but she flew into my office a couple of times yipping about how no one was listening to her.  I made some suggestions - and she bit my head off.  I put it down to "one of those days" - hell we all have them - me as well........... so I let it slide.

Then Thursday two women showed up in my office .......... both in tears ....... both saying this woman was bullying them and they were intimidated (my words - used for brevity)
I convinced them to go to the principal and file a complaint .......... I would go with them.

So Friday morning off we went to visit with the principal.  I thought the meeting went well.  The wounded parties felt they had been heard - and felt that a solution was near at hand.  The principal asked me to inform this other woman that she and I would meet with the principal on Monday afternoon.

I went about my day thinking how well it had gone.  One more simple meeting and everything would be running like a well oiled machine again.

The afternoon went well - in fact so well that when I was leaving I spoke to one of the women who felt 'intimated' and mentioned my positive feelings.  She agreed..... she said how well things were going.  

I went home thinking "problem solved".  EXCEPT I should have realized - the problem wasn't solved because we hadn't had our meeting with the principal so why would things have turned around???? Yes she knew about the scheduled meeting - I had mentioned it to her earlier in the afternoon.........but still ??!!  such a turn around?

It was Friday - my one day to leave as early as I possibly can.......... I admit I might have ignored this personality turn around because my weekend was calling to me........ 
oh those "what ifs, should have's and could have's" do haunt you from time to time don't they???

Anyway at 6:40 last evening I got a phone call from one of my intimidated employees she was frantic and panicky and it took a while to get the whole story out......... 


Turns out when their shifts were done.......... my 'intimidater' went in search of my 'intimidatee'  and absolutely lost control - yelling and screaming at her - getting in her face - accusing her of all sorts of things..... even playing the 'black' card saying "I know YOU all - I know YOU want to see me gone because I am black"......... It got so bad that one of my other employees called down to the office and brought my replacement running.  Even the night janitor (whose office is in the same hallway) came down to be in attendance - just in case.  They all felt this screaming banshee might lose it and do bodily harm.

WTF??!!!

I got my employee calmed down some........ made her promise to write the whole incident up and bring it to me Monday morning.  I sat down and fired off an email to my principal (emails go to her cell phone so I knew she would get it - maybe not respond - or even read it - but it would be there) 

Then this morning I decided I had better learn about work place bullying.  Obviously I have it......... and obviously I know little about it.  I read and read - even made up a point by point list of what bullying looks like and how to handle it for the work place.  

Then I went one step further.  Somewhere in the dark recesses of my memory I was sure I had read some school board policy on intimidation ............ and was pretty sure there was a section on adult to adult intimidation.  I went looking and found it.  I printed it up.  I want my reference material at hand when I go to see the principal on Monday.

Bullying has NO place in my world....... and I will do my best to stop it........ whether it is between children (which I expect - don't like won't accept - but I do expect it) or between adults (which I never expected - definitely don't accept - and will put a stop to it!!)  How in god's name do we expect to stop bullying within the groups of children if the adults expected to stop  it are doing it???!!!

NOT IN MY WORLD !!!!!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Stress time..






Well it is that time of year again........... TAX TIME.

I spent yesterday morning at a workshop on preparing tax receipts.  I didn't do them last year 'cause I was lounging around in a hospital bed.  So it seemed like a good idea (and time) for a refresher course.

Remember me - the one who panics at the very thought of adding 1+1???

Well this is the time of year I dread........ hate....... and stress over.  I have (starting Monday - don't ask why I have to wait till Monday - it involves more math) 8 working days to run, issue, check and distribute over 800 Income Tax receipts to the families at school.

W is always telling me that if there are problems to just dump it back in the laps of the School Board... which would be nice - but just isn't realistic.   And this year - before I can distribute the damn receipts I have to wait for the Board to submit them to the government and then wait for the government do a quick check of them, and then issue the "ok" for me to send them out.  

And being me........ I am already fussing over this new step and the time delay it will create.... 

Anyway......... all of that is my way of saying.. I may not be very prolific over the next 8 days... but I promise once I get through this (survive this) I will be back wowing you all with the silliness that is my life.
 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Ripples






Last evening I read a post over on Fetlife - (yeah yeah I was over there again!!) It was an  extremely well written french piece about the public events in the Great White North.  

It was written from the Dominant's perspective.

It was one in a long list of articles on the problems of public play .......... now.

And it made me feel validated.  All the articles I have been reading (ok ok maybe they are more rant than article - but still they are all making a point) are talking about having their scenes interrupted by rude inconsiderate kinksters or fetishists, or having no room to play at all.  Of spending large quantities of money to come out and play and going home disappointed.

I have to admit it is rather nice to have the BDSM players closing ranks a little bit - speaking out - supporting each other.  Because if you remember my first posts about this same problem - I wasn't supported all that much - people made excuses - told me (and W) we had to change our style of play.

This Domme last evening said WHY should she have to change her style of play to accommodate the groups of fetishists and kinksters who come to gawk?   She pointed out to party organizers that 200 fetishists and kinksters take up a whole lot less room than 200 BDSM players.  Players need space - for their toys - for their play.  

And she's so right.  Players  don't stand around crowded together like a herd of cattle.  We do need (trying to remember what she called it..........) we need.......... real estate - dedicated real estate - to play.......... and there just isn't any any more.

The ripples have started......... and they will continue I fear ......until there is a tidal wave of discontent.  And then the real players are going to start disappearing.  I foresee it all disappearing underground again............ and then - as this Domme put it so eloquently - these fetishists and kinksters will have nothing to come out and gawk at.  
  

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

How do you spell.............



It may be a simple four letter word......... but there's nothing simple about how W spells it... 

 W drove to the florist - then the card store - then all the way over to my place to leave "LOVE" in my kitchen...




  yup - orchids !!! I love orchids ........ when I saw them I just stood there and got all teary eyed - the old bugger - he didn't read my Valentine's day blog - 
W may not say the word .......... but he sure as hell knows how to show it.......... 




a close up view .....


a little attempt at some "arty farty" photography...





BUT more than the orchids... there was a card... W bought me a card!!!  

My hands trembled as I opened the envelope.  It was Valentine's Day.... I had a real true Valentine Card....My heart was pounding - what words of love had he picked just for me.... 
I pulled the card out.... beautiful red roses on the front.. and the words...

"Roses are Red
And sometimes they're thorny
When you're not with me I get really................................


(INSIDE CARD)


corny.
I know what you were thinking....
Shame on you!"

Yup that's how W spells "LOVE" - makes sure I don't get too weepy!!!



I love you too W.... more than words can say.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Monday, February 13, 2012

AWOL - edited for humour






ok so we all know what a long rough week I had.  Saturday dawned and I just sorta kinda fell apart. I moved from my bed to the sofa and slept the morning away.  I woke up long enough to make some lunch and then collapsed back on the sofa.  

I was so tired - more than tired - exhausted.... body mind and soul.  I was down... down for the count..... I'm not even sure I am ready to talk about everything that went wrong last week... mundane stuff.. but it cut me to my core.  Gossip again.. that was spread to my parents and from the parents to my principal... AND this time my principal believed it...... and all I could think was I can't protest too much.... how does one fight mean spirited gossip when it's my word against someone else's - and I am not even allowed to know who????


Then my expense account (for over 400$) was given back to me - cause one receipt was NOT itemized.......... WTF???!!!  do they honestly believe I would line my pockets???!!!  I was am so insulted, 


Add to that my lil girl who is scared "mommy's gonna go to the sky" climbing onto my lap again (cause mom is too weak to see her and her sister).......... add to that 2 six year olds kissing and fondling each other and I had to speak to the parents..... add to that long days... and I just had nothing left.


Then Saturday afternoon - late afternoon - I got up off the sofa to get a cup of coffee and nearly fell over......... The pain in my groin that shot down to my knee was so severe.. what the hell was that???!!!  I took advil - I took more advil - and the pain just got worse and worse.  A pulled groin muscle (something I have never had so have no idea what it feels like) from lying around napping all day???!!!   At that point I was looking for someone to accept my resignation from the human race.


Sunday morning the pain in the groin was worse - I could hardly get out of bed.  My head hurt.  I felt very sorry for myself and very alone.  But alone was what I wanted .... I am such lousy company when I am out of sorts - physically and emotionally.  

And being me... decided the pity party had gone on long enough - sore groin or not - the house was gonna get cleaned and the laundry done.  And that's exactly what I did.  Strange as it sounds - but cleaning house centers me - and gets me out of the doom and gloom moods that come over me every so often.


So here it is Monday again........ my house is clean ...my clothes are clean.... and that is really all I have control over. The pain in my groin has subsided to a dull ache.   I have a new itemized receipt from the jewelry store... and my schedule for the week.  I will do my job with my head held high - because I know.. *I* know - that the gossips are wrong..... and ultimately that is all that really counts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

eldest daughter posted the following pic this morning over on Facebook - so who wants to be my best friend???

Friday, February 10, 2012

TGIF





I don't think I have ever been so happy to see a Friday - as I am today.

It has been the week from hell.  I am exhausted with absolutely no energy left - not even to get me through today.

Too many problem kids........ too many gossipy adults .... too many words .... too many jobs.... way too much paper............. 

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Who knew?

I am not your typical woman..... First off I don't much like chocolate - it's true I don't!!  and am still surprised I haven't been drummed out of the women's guild because of it !

I don't like shoes - no I don't.  I prefer bare feet - and in winter my ugly mukluk boots.

And I HATE shopping - with a passion!  I will avoid it at all costs - except when I HAVE to... and then I take days to work myself up into the mindset of actually dragging myself through shops.  


Recently W and I were discussing my inability to barter with someone.... or in my words ...cheat them .  I don't ask if that's the best price - I don't ask what they can do for me.... I see something I like or need .. I buy it........ pure and simple.


Yesterday I HAD to go shopping for school.  I needed a slew of arts and crafts supplies.  But more than that I had to get 2 retirement gifts for ladies who are retiring this year.  I was given a budget of $150 each.  I wanted to purchase silver bracelets (they both love bracelets) and have the bracelets engraved with the name of the school.  Seemed like a good idea when I had it.


Except.........


When I actually went shopping no one .. and I mean NO ONE ... had silver bracelets suitable for engraving.  


Finally after more jewelry shops than I have ever been in - I found one that had 2 different silver bracelets that would work.  (Not exactly what I was looking for - but do-able)   


So I asked to see the first one.  It was very nice - and had a nice wide piece that could be engraved.  I asked to see the second bracelet - It did not have the same space to engrave - but I thought the underneath side might be wide enough to handle some very small intricate engraving.


I asked how much the bracelets were.  I should have known they were expensive considering the price tags weren't showing.  The first bracelet was $159.99 the second one was $169.99.  My heart dropped.  I told the saleswoman I was sorry but they were out of my budget.  I would have to keep looking.


She said "how much money do you have for these retirement gifts?" I lied (cause I knew I still had to pay for engraving ) and said "$100.00 each" She told me to wait and went got the manager.  The manager asked if I would be paying cash.  I said "good god no.. credit card".  And then added it was ok.. I would keep looking.  She - the manager said - hang on a minute and started punching numbers into the cash register.  Finally she looked at me and said "I will give the two of them to you for a total - including taxes - of $200.00"  I was shocked!!  and of course quickly agreed.  I wanted the shopping OVER.


Then I went to the engraving shop.  The first bracelet was ok to engrave.  The second one not so much.  The first one could be done by machine - the second had to be done by hand.  The first one would be $1 a letter and would be ready in an hour .... the second one - double that $2 a letter, and would take a couple of days.  I didn't want to have to come back in 2 days........ so I said "right - forget engraving the second one - just engrave the first one".  The girl seemed surprised.  She then said "ok ok $1 a letter for both bracelets".  I said "no no never mind - I don't want to come back in a day or so" So she said - "go have lunch I'll have it done in 2 hours".  


I went to have lunch - but I still had a HUGE shopping list to complete.  Unfortunately the shops I had to go to next were no where near this mall.  I was getting antsy and wanted to get going.  I finished lunch in under an hour and went back to the engraving shop.  I poked my head in and said "No chance they are done yet is there??" The girl said "no no... I have the first one done but not the second".  So I wondered off and priced new cell phones.   35 minutes later I wondered back.  I figured I would sit on the bench outside the shop and wait.  My feet were killing me....... even in my ugly mukluks.


The girl motioned me into the shop.  She had finished both bracelets.  I hoped in the car and headed off to do MORE shopping.  But I had a big grin on my face.  I had been willing to spend $300 on two silver bracelets.  I had managed to pay $232.00 without any bartering or bickering!!!


I spent approximately 4 hours shopping and had to head back to work - I had not finished......... and am now faced with yet another day of shopping - but I did feel good that I had come in under budget on the retirement gifts.  BUT for the record... my shopping deals did nothing to change my attitude towards shopping........nope not at all !!



Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Early morning........






It's that early morning time again - when all the world is still asleep - and I am sitting in the dead quiet contemplating the day ahead - and some of the days behind........... 

I am cursed though you know.  Today I have a day of "running around" - out to the Island to check on my lil school - off to the shops to try and find two retirement gifts for current staff - then off to the dollar store to buy piles and piles ......... and more piles.... of supplies for my kiddies at my BIG school - and then if there's time - stop and buy groceries for me before heading back to school for 3 this afternoon.  I could have used a good night's sleep - I could have used the extra hour of sleep - but no.......... this was the morning I woke at 4 to stare at the clock slowly ticking off the minutes till the alarm.  It's gonna be a longggggggggggg day.


About 2 weeks ago (I think it was) I had an episode during the lunch hour........ where one child shared a granola bar with another child (against rules...... there is no sharing of food) and of course as the fates would have it.... the granola bar had peanuts in it...... and the child who took a bite of said granola bar had an allergy to peanuts.  


BUT that isn't the story (really) ......... I spent the next two days drilling in to the kiddies why there is no sharing of food... why when we share food bad things can happen.... don't share food... don't share food... don't share food.  Was the message I drilled into their lil heads.

And instead of getting better - the incidents of sharing food sky rocketed.  I was pulling my hair out.  What was going on????

Well on Monday we had our workshop for my staff - my untrained staff .  I of course was going to attend - show support and all that ........... and one of the lessons of the morning was how to phrase things positively.  To banish the word "NO" from our vocabulary.  So "NO RUNNING in the hallways" - becomes "Thank you for walking"  ..........so "No yelling" becomes "Please use indoor voices".  because when we say no no no ... the kids do it anyway........ in fact the kids do it more.  


So my lectures on NO SHARING ....... were a waste of time.  What the children took away from my serious talks - was not how serious it could be - not how a child had been rushed to the hospital ...........nope the one word that they took from all the words I spoke was.......... you guessed it ........ "SHARE"  Thus the increase in sharing food.  What I should have said was "We eat our OWN food" ............ 


And I have been thinking about that........ hell I have proof that their theory is correct....and it fascinates me.  And it doesn't just work that way with children - but with everyone.  Negatives do not work.  Use positives and people will hear you and be more inclined to follow the rules - direction - whatever term you want to use.

And it seems to me - in the early hours of this morning - that we humans are weird creatures - "NO" makes us do something more - and "YES" makes us comply.  Subliminal messages we don't even know we are giving............ 

Then I got to thinking about all the "negative" messages I hear - we all hear - every day.  I was thinking about the messages I have received ....... like the stop smoking messages.  I have heard "It's really hard to do most people fail and have to stop smoking over and over again".  "You can't do it alone - you need help"   I wonder if people heard - "You can stop smoking... You are stronger than the cigarettes - You can do it" if the rate of successful stop smoking campaigns would be higher.


Same as losing weight or exercising more.  You can't do it by yourself - you need help - you need diet plans - diet pills.  You won't keep up exercising by yourself - you need a buddy / partner to do it .......   I wonder what would happen if everyone took the attitude that You CAN do anything you put my mind to....... yeah that's what I am wondering - in this early morning when nothing much else is filling my head................

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