Sunday Sentiments

Promises ??

I have been thinking (yeah yeah I only get myself into a mess/trouble when I think!) about how seriously I take people's suggestions.   My ex-husband used to do it all the time.  He would say something like 'on the weekend we will go here -- or there' and I would think it was a promise.  That we would actually do it.  BUT over time I came to know he was simply thinking out loud -- or day dreaming.  And I would land up being so damn disappointed.

Over the years -- through my relationships -- I have tried not to listen to their plans.  I have had to remind myself over and over that it wasn't a 'promise' it was just a thought floating around.

At one point I used to say "do you PROMISE?"   cause somehow that seemed to make me feel better - for the moment.  Usually the response was "No I don't promise -- we'll see" and then I would want to stamp my foot!  Why say something if you aren't gonna work to make it happen??

When I hear "we're gonna do ......(whatever)....... " my mind starts planning -- I start making lists -- I start getting excited.  It's a tough place to be.  I think -- maybe ?? -- it's the little girl inside of me who never grew up...... who believes what she is told.... and gets excited at the idea....... 

The other day "the wife" and I were talking -- about being adults and how we never quite "grew up".  We don't see the world through the same eyes as other folks.  She made me smile when she said "I keep expecting to get my super secret membership card to the adult club and the rule book " which pretty much describes my view on life -- on adulting.  

So now -- when someone says they are planning on doing something -- I don't trust that it will really happen............. as fast as I feel the excitement start -- I try to reign it in -- cause it probably isn't a "promise" and so many things can come up that are more important than the one little thing they said -- and I might just be left feeling sad and disappointed.

If this is "adulting" then thank you very much I'm not sure I want to "adult" ........ 

It's all about ME

44 Odd Things You Don't Know About Me

1. Do you like blue cheese? YUCK no !

2. Have you ever smoked? Yes
 
3. Do you own a gun? Never
 
4. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Creamsicle (vanilla ice cream with orange sherbet swirled in)
 
5. Do you get nervous before Doctor visits? Absolutely -- terrifed
 
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Too many calories

7. Favorite Movie? The Lethal Weapon series

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee, coffee, coffee

 9. Do you do push ups? Not if I don't have to
 
10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?  My slave ring
 
11. Favorite hobby? Photography
 
12. Do you have A.D.D.?  Nope
 
13. What’s the one thing you dislike about yourself? Insecurity
 
14. What is your middle name?  Gail
 
15. Name three thoughts at this moment…what graphic am I gonna put with this -- 'Hands' -- Endorphin junkie needs a fix
 
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Coffee - water - diet Pepsi

17. Current worry? Seriously can't say I have one right now

18. Current annoyance right now?  My broken toe

19. Favorite place to be? at home

20. How do you ring in the new year? usually with friends at a private play party

21. Where would you like to go?Japan

22. Name three people who will complete this? I don't care -- I did it cause I needed a blog entry for today 

23. Do you own slippers? Yes -- but mostly I am bare foot

24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? Not wearing one (cheeky grin)
 
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No - can we say slip and slide?

26. Can you whistle? No not at all

27. What are your favorite colors? Red red red -- ok and blue

28. Would you be a pirate? good lord NO

29. What songs do you sing in the shower? Never sing -- anywhere! trust me it's much better that way

30. Favorite girls name? Anna

31. Favorite boys name? Cal

32. What’s in your pocket right now? trust me -- no pockets

33. Last thing that made you laugh? hearing I am going to be gifted with a bird feeder -- or squirrel feeder as I called it

34. Best toy as a child? my bike -- which I used to pretend was a horse -- and I used to pretend I was riding to far away places

35. Worst injury you ever had? dislocating my knee

36. Where would you love to live? Right where I am

37. How many TV’s do you have? One -- do I need more?

38. Who is your loudest friend?My friends are not loud -- my daughters however are a different matter (small smile)

39. How many dogs do you have? Do you honestly think Miss Ashes would allow a DOG ??
 
40. Does someone trust you? I certainly hope so 

41. What book are you reading at the moment? W is for Wasted by Sue Grafton
 
42. What’s your favorite candy?  Maple Fudge -- without nuts!

43. What’s your favorite sports team? Ottawa Red Blacks (CFL football)
 
44. Favorite month?December only because Christmas is coming -- otherwise all the summer months!

The Image

One of the first images Hands created in my head -- as well as one of the first things on the "to do" list -- is my sitting on his lap.  

Despite it being the first thing on the list -- it hasn't been done yet.  

When I close my eyes I see it -- so clearly I could reach out and touch it ........ the image I see is not as "sexy" as the one above -- just me in a dress sitting astride his lap -- his hands resting on my hips.........

and yet -- as simple as it is -- it makes me ache with want and need........... 

BDSM thoughts

I am as old as dirt -- and have been around the BDSM lifestyle before there was an "internet" to find 'like minded' people.

I 'cut my teeth' on D/s -- on protocols and rituals and Yes Sir No Sir philosopy ........... 

The internet opened up a mostly private world to new folks -- folks who didn't necessarily fall into one of the categories that were already established -- Dom/Master or sub/slave.  

The group I was involved with eyed the newcomers with patience -- and tolerance.  BUT they rarely if ever invited the newbies to events we held.  The philosophy was they won't fit with our way of doing things -- they can be "kinksters" - they can be "swingers" - they can be "players" but not with us.  I learned, that when we were out at public events, to be polite -- to smile and be socially graceful to them -- but not to include them.  We had our ways -- they had theirs.

For years these newcomers were on the fringes of my life -- I do remember one public party where the newcomers were draped all over the equipment -- not using it -- just posing for their friends in their fancy expensive outfits.  The 'doms' carried floggers tucked into their belts -- the subs had fancy collars on with leashes attached.  They didn't play -- they just walked around -- were seen -- and posed.  

And a new term was coined -- 'the new S/m' - stand and model.  

Life continued on -- I moved on -- I dipped my toes into the newer BDSM -- played in the shallow end with them -- laughed and joked and bratted -- and watched. 
 I have watched a total disintegration (in my opinion) of the beauty of BDSM -- now it is not about being pleasing and graceful -- it seems to me -- it is more about being showy and flashy -- and outrageous.  

For heaven's sakes I saw the other day a picture of someone's toys -- and right in the center of some paddles was an anime mask.  WTF??!!  an anime maske?? I kept thinking how that Top would look like some wrestler from the WWWF (or whatever it is called)   Where was the beauty - or the grace in that?? 

I have read article after article arguing / debating basic tenets of BDSM - BASIC TENETS -- it is being twisted and changed -- and people are being rude and bullies!! Stand and Model is becoming the norm not the exception.  People are training other people without any creds -- well not creds that I am used to (and yes this is JUST my opinion)

People are laughing at collars -- don't see the need for them -- don't understand the significance -- the honour of them...  People don't seem to understand the whole power exchange thing -- are watering down the "gift of submission" 

It honestly feels like the lifestyle I love and cherish is being ridiculed and laughed at... I am a foreigner in my own world.

And so it has come full circle -- I hardly go on Fetlife -- only to answer the odd email message -- or to look up the one munch I will now attend.  I glance at my feed and shake my head and log off.  I do not belong there -- not anymore.  Now my BDSM is private again.  Now I will only engage with people who understand my BDSM world -- who appreciate and honour the beauty of my BDSM world......... the quiet beauty of protocols and rituals -- not done as a "side show' for others -- but for the one who holds my heart -- my submission.

 
 

 

Grief

I am sure by now most of you blog readers have heard the devastating news that kaya's son Bman was murdered.  ( Under His Hand) 


kaya has been on my mind nearly every day for the last month.  What words are there to help a mother cope with the mindless death of her son ? I have told her I am here for her -- I have said I am sorry (such useless words) -- I have sent her virtual hugs -- and in my heart I think they are all useless -- except maybe she knows I am trying to support her the best I can even from a distance -- as are hundreds of others.  We are all shocked by the senseless death of a child of someone we "know" ....... and we are all searching for some way to try and help her through it.

BUT 

the truth of the matter is no one is gonna be able to help her through this -- only she can find a way to fight her way through this storm back to some sort of normalcy.  OH it will never ever be 'normal' again -- as she said "She was a mother of 3 now she is a mother of 2"   But my hope and prayer is that kaya will be able (with time) to find a new normal -- and that Bman will rest in her heart forever.

 

 

This 'n That

Quiet sort of weekend --   time for lots of thinking........ 

I spent most of the weekend scrubbing my lil home -- cause cleaning is cathartic for me.  

It's easy to keep the house clean and tidy now........ after all it's just me and Miss Ashes... very few finger prints on the walls -- or mirrors -- no spills or clothes strewn around the place.........  some days I miss the mess of kids - miss the noise and confusion and phone ringing off the hook. As much as I love living on my own -- some days I miss having people around.

And as I chased hair balls around the house -- and tried to get the cat hair off the comforter on my bed -- I reminded myself that one day I won't have this headache and that will be a lonely sad day.......... so I cleaned cheerfully -- until Miss Ashes jumped on the bed and rolled around on it purring -- good thing cats have 9 lives!!

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 I had a wonderful chat with Hands on Saturday morning - lots of teasing and sharing....... I can be just about ready to implode from lack of touch and play and then Hands chats with me and my slow burn settles down.  

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Since I broke my toe I haven't been able to go to the gym so I have been walking every day....... usually way too early because of the heat and humidity that comes with the summer.  Hands is quite insistent that I not overdo it -- and I am not -- mainly because the foot hurts that much. 

On Sunday while I was hobbling along I could feel the frustration rising (did I mention I am close to imploding ??!!  doesn't take much to frustrate me) 

Anyway..............
I had planned on going to the gym on Monday come hell or high water -- but I realized I still can't get a proper shoe on the foot and until I can, the gym is out of the question.  My blood started to boil.......... How could the damn thing still be so sore and swollen after all these weeks???!!  I grumbled as I hobbled.  

When I got home I googled broken toes -- cause ya know google knows everything!!  And I read that -- depending on how badly broken it is -- it can take from 6 - 8 weeks.  I was fuming -- and yeah I'll admit it - a bit worried.  After all - in my head it has been at least 4 weeks.  So I went to look at the calendar.  It has only been 2 1/2 weeks........... I still have a way to go (hear me grumbling even more?!)

Oh and one other fun fact about my broken toe -- I was examining it and was pleased I can now touch it and manipulate it without shrieking in pain -- but the top bit of my toe wiggles and makes a funny clicking sound........... fun eh?? 

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Sunday morning I heard from Hands -- just a brief -- "sick as a dog" kind of message.  BUT despite feeling like "crap on a cracker" (his words not mine) He did check in with me late in the afternoon.  

There's not much I can do for him but I did send him a couple of "nurses" to help cheer him up.

 


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I am guessing most of you have heard of Pokemon Go -- when I was out late Sunday afternoon (trying to burn off some of the pent up frustration) I came across 4 different groups of Pokemon Go players.    One player in a group of teenagers was so busy watching his phone and running and shrieking he nearly ran me down............. yeah that helped my frustration levels!

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And that dear friends was my weekend............. 

Sunday Sentiments

Diet

Something I don't think I've talked about here is I hate GREEN vegetables!  (actually most vegetables -- but especially green ones)

During my negotiations with Hands -- I jokingly said one of my hard limits was green veggies.  He just went "hrmmmm" and we moved on.

We have had a few meals together -- but they didn't involve veggies.

On Wednesday evening I was over at their house for dinner...... a family dinner complete with kids.  Dinner was spaghetti and stuffed ZUCCHINI.  Zucchini is GREEN.  Hands was sitting beside me and he passed the plate of zucchini to me.  I smiled sweetly and said "no thanks" and He smiled back and said "oh yes I think you will enjoy these.  My daughter made them".  I looked up to see said daughter watching me.  I smiled and helped myself to the smallest piece of stuffed zucchini on the plate -- and trust me -- it wasn't THAT small!!

That was one of the biggest tests of my submission we have had yet.  I ate the whole piece........... just!
 
Last night I made dinner -- Thai noodles and chinese dumplings.  I sent Hands a picture of my dinner -- just cause I was in a very cheeky mood.  And the caption read " My dinner - note NO green veggies".  

The "brat" is still very much alive! 

Thinking

I haven't been sleeping well for the last week or so.......... and when I don't sleep I think... dear god do I think!!!

I hear all the voices new and old telling me all the things that are wrong with me -- and I am left thinking I must be a really bad person.... 

Do I really make everything about me?!  DO I?? 

Am I really that unlovable??!! 

Do I try too hard  and scare people away ??

Maybe I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve .....

Maybe I really don't understand how to be a friend or lover
 
Maybe I should just close the door and hide away 

Yeah my worst enemy is not out THERE 
no -- my worst enemy is in my head.

Staying Cool

I like to think on the outside I look cool and collected......... I am working hard to keep that persona -- cool as a cucumber........ 

But truthfully -- inside that coolness -- that ice -- is burning....... 

Driving home from visiting with Hands and his wife last evening -- my mind went back to His walking me out to my car -- the hug -- the gentle kiss -- the soft caress of my back.......

and god how i wanted to hold him closer longer -- to stroke his face and kiss him again and again....... to whisper in his ear that I was burning........ 

But surely he knows that -- knows how long it has been since we had "private time" -- surely he knows the endorphin cravings are gnawing at my mind -- making the fire burn hotter.

I know

and I know too -- how life can get in the way -- and how I must be patient -- and wait........ 
The day will come when the fire is quenched again -- 

Until then -- it burns hot 

 

Changling

Mine Mine Mine!

I have said it before -- many times I am sure -- but it seems I need to say it again,

What I write here are MY feelings,  I will not apologize for them. 

AND I most definitely will not try to explain them to anyone -- not anymore.  

I have the right to feel what I feel -- even if you don't agree with me.

I will not allow anyone to tell me that I should not feel a certain way 

I will not allow anyone to try and debate with me my feelings.

And I most definitely will not allow anyone try to make me feel guilty about what I feel - or try and coerce me into feeling something different.

The subject is now closed !!

 

Fix It

There has been a friendship problem in my life.  I was told how I was feeling -- yes that's right -- I WAS TOLD HOW I FELT.  Nothing irritates me more than being told how I feel -- or how I should feel....

And in one form or another -- I was also being told by folks to  "FIX IT" (which you may not realize -- says to me "You broke it - you fix it!"   thank you very much for placing that blame squarely/solely on MY shoulders)

Anyway .............. 

we talked on the weekend -- 

And I have been processing what we said to each other.

AND I realized -- I may have been at fault 

at one point I was very broken -- and weak -- and trying to find my feet -- trying to find who I was again........... and I leaned too heavily on a friend to help me find my feet.  

THAT was definitely my fault.  I was allowing someone to replace W and tell me what to do and how to do it.........I should never have allowed that!  That had been unhealthy for too long -- I should not have allowed that to continue in any form!

I was -- way back 'before' - a very strong independent woman who took care of herself quite well........... and took care of her family .... and a whole mess of other folks.

I found my way back to that place.

Friend and I had to sort that out......... and we tried.

Did we succeed??

Only time will tell.

 

Sunday Sentiments

Lesson Learned

I have not been able to go to the gym for a full week -- because of the broken toe and the fact I cannot get a shoe on the foot.

BUT I have to exercise -- otherwise I have trouble eating.. talk about a catch 22 ...... 

So I have been walking every day -- in sandals -- and not even walking - more strolling BUT at least it was something........ 

The only problem was -- because I was walking sorta tilted to the side - to take the weight off the toe -- I developed a blister on the right side of the sole of my foot........ a big blister !!  On Thursday it broke and I couldn't decide what hurt more - the blister or the toe.

Yesterday the swelling in the toe seemed to be down a bit -- so I decided to try putting a sock on -- and then the running shoe.  I loosened the laces completely and managed to get my foot in the shoe.  I didn't lace it / tie it tight -- and set off for my walk.

At first it hurt a lot -- but the blister didn't hurt so I shifted the weight and everything felt good.  I walked for just over 2 miles...... which wasn't very far considering what I normally do...... but I thought I wouldn't push it............ aren't I good?? 

When I got home I could hardly get the shoe off -- the pain was awful.  I sat and watched as the poor lil toe swelled up.  So I was back to icing it and keeping it elevated.

Somehow in my mind -  a broken toe didn't seem as serious as other bones -- but trust me I learned my lesson!!  A broken bone is a broken bone!  I just hope I haven't set my healing time back too much.

Included

One of the toughest things about this new relationship we are building is distance.  

Yesterday Hands had to have oral surgery and I felt so helpless being so far away  -- there was nothing I could do........... ugh it was a terrible feeling.

BUT Hands messaged me just before -- and again on his way home.  

Then his wife messaged me after dinner to tell me how he was doing........ 

I am not sure if they realize how wonderful it was to be kept in the loop -- to feel included even though miles separated us.  

I know I am probably sounding like a broken record here -- but I just keep shaking my head and saying to myself "this is how poly should work!!"   -- and thinking how blessed I am to have found them ........

Getting Hotter

The temperature has been rising -- the humidity has been rising -- it has been HOT 

And as the thermometer rises the heat inside of me has been rising too........ my skin feels electrified -- my imagination has been working overtime -- I feel that old familiar fire inside.

And HE builds that fire -- making it burn hotter -- driving me to distraction ...... ready to burst into flames........ 

OUCH

Last Thursday -- when I wanted to go to the beach -- but was being very responsible and adult and didn't go because I had had too much sun / heat in the two days prior at the beach -- I managed to break my favourite ginger jar.


I was so angry with myself -- and I admit it -- was stamping my feet a little bit while I cleaned it up and walked to the kitchen to throw the broken bits out.  Then I went looking for something to put on the table to replace the ginger jar -- cause the ginger jar hid all sorts of little things that don't really belong in a living room -- and the stamping feet increased cause I couldn't find anything.......... 

Finally found a little wooden carved box -- and I grabbed it -- turned around -- and went to stamp my way out of the bedroom when I managed to slam my foot into the corner of the wall.  

I heard the bone go CRACK in my little toe.  
I felt the pain shoot right up my leg.
I looked down through pain fogged eyes and saw the toe at a funny angle.
I sat down and pushed the toe back into place.
Can I say OUCH??!!
I iced it 
I put witch hazel on it
I put arnica on it when toe started to turn black with bruising 
I took extra strength advil.

No I did not go to the doctor's office - or a clinic - or an emergency room -- it is a baby toe after all!!

Broken toe or not -- I spent 2 days at the Buskers Festival -- on Monday I tried to get my foot into a running shoe so I could go to the gym (can i say obsessed?!)  BUT the toe just wouldn't sqeeze into the running shoe and still allow me to walk -- so no gym.
I did go for a walk with sandals -- did 1/2 of the route and just about crawled home 

'Hands' suggested quietly that I sit and elevate the foot - ice it - and take care of it -- otherwise I might be off it even longer. (I HATE it when the 'Dom' is right!!)

Today is day 7 -- the swelling is down a wee bit -- I am only taking advil twice a day (instead of every 4 hours) -- I can walk barefoot - and hobble with sandals -- but still no running shoes -- and no gym. 

Next time I am not going to "adult" -- next time I am going to the beach.  You can't break your toe in the sand!
 

The Task

Hands gave me a task to complete yesterday.  For most people it would be easy and most likely pleasurable.   But not for me.  For me it made my stomach clinch and knot.  I thought to myself -- it was a pretty open ended assignment........ I don't have a time frame ... I can work on it.. build up my 'confidence'.

But half way through the day I got a message from Him........ had I completed the task? I explained no I hadn't but I was working up to it.  He offered me incentive.

I really did struggle for about 2 minutes.  Despite my nervousness about the task -- my desire to please  -- my desire to do what I was told won out and I completed the task and sent him my report.

For me -- that is what submission means -- it's not all fun and games and what pleases me -- not even close.  It is doing what I am asked to do and pleasing him.  It's feels so damn good to find that place again -- I have come home.

Gelling

 For anyone not quite sure what "gelling" is -- the definition is  
"Being on the same wavelength as someone, being mentally in-synch with someone, or working really well together."

Slowly "Hands" and his wife and I have been working on building a healthy triad...... we've been "gelling".  This past week his wife and I were planning a "family outing" (family cause their kids were coming too -- meeting me for the first time really).  

I just felt such gratitude bubbling up... and I said something about how nice it would be to do something vanilla together.  She responded by saying "yeah - when the cuffs come off we will be mundane people together".  

What a difference that attitude is!  In my first attempt at poly -- we never did anything together except the odd munch -- and I always felt like the "tag along".  When he and I had private time together -- it was always spent in the bedroom.  After a while I started to feel like he was ashamed of me -- that I wasn't good enough to be seen in public with - or good enough to just hang out together.  It was a very demoralizing feeling.  I wanted to make sure that in this attempt at poly -- that I was more than some 'dirty little secret'.

So yesterday we all went down to the last day of the Buskers Festival.  I had SO much fun!!  It felt normal ya know?? We wandered from one show to another - I took the kids to get some balloon animals ....... and we laughed together and shared together -- and most importantly we all 'gelled' together.  And as a nice surprise -- they didn't have to rush home and we all went out for a supper of fish and chips.

When the day was over and we were heading our separate ways the older child jumped out of the car and asked me for a hug!!  Yup for sure we are all "gelling" and moving forward.  

 

Lost Trust

There's been a lot of chatter over the last week -- some of it pretty damn scary.  More and more folks choosing Malcolm X over Martin Luther King.  

I have no answers -- I just know the world is becoming a scarier place 

A Good Day

Thursday was the start of our Buskers Festival here in Kingston.  Now for those of you who aren't too sure what a "busker" is -- they are street performers who perform for gratuities. 

I have gone to every Busker Festival since I arrived here.  Some years have been better than others -- but I find it fascinating -- no matter how awful some of the performers are - to watch the acts and the audience.  It's a great chance to practice one of my favourite hobbies - people watching.

Yesterday I headed downtown and was totally and completely impressed.  It was a hot day -- but there was no sun -- and being by the lake this year there was a nice breeze.  I, of course, took umpteen pictures -- here's just a few of my favourites... 

There were street artists............ 

and kiddies learning where milk really comes from .........

 there were musicians from Australia.......... 

and jugglers  

 and just fun performers.......  

I even treated myself to a henna tattoo .......... 

On Sunday I may be going back -- with some 'friends' for the last day........ got my fingers crossed that the weather cools off and the sun shines.