Renewing my other self

 

 I had a light bulb moment this weekend........... I was feeling out of touch - lost - verging on angry all the time until last week Sir Steve said (in response to a cheeky comment from me) "No - you will be a good girl".

Then this weekend he was groping me and I pulled back and made a cheeky comment about 'MY private bits" and his response was..... 'WHOSE?? those are mine!"

My reaction to those 2 statements was almost illogical - I felt loved and happy and I felt 'seen'.  These past 9 months I have felt like a house frau - my submissive side was not being recognized or stroked or encouraged.  I have felt like it didn't matter to Sir Steve.... he just wanted me to keep his house and teach his child.  Having him interact with my submissive side did so much to lift my spirits you have no idea!

AND then............... 

Last night Sir Steve told me he was going for a shower and at 7:30 I was to be naked in the bedroom... 

OH OH OH
I got my birthday spanks!!!
AND
a really nice spanking afterwards... such a nice spanking that today it is tender to sit...

AND I love it !!!

Life is very good when both my sides are celebrated.............

Finding the lost me

I've always kinda prided myself on being submissive by nature...... and when I allow  my nature to shine through life is less stressful.... less inside out/upside down.  

I think there have been some bumps in our relationship road.  Since I started this withdrawal process Sir Steve has been gentle -- has been attentive -- has held back.  He is worried about me - he doesn't want to add any pressure.......... and his 'laissez faire' attitude has created this huge amount of insecurity in me..... I feel so out of sorts -- adrift -- floundering around.  I need him ya know?!  I need my ass spanked.  I need to feel his hand around my neck.  I need to feel him hold me against the wall and kiss me hard -- his hands fondling my body.  I need to know I am HIS... 

Yesterday I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself -- as much as I can....... and get back to doing my 'chores/tasks' ....... soooooooo I started a HUGE pot of spaghetti meat sauce....... I made butterscotch squares .... I made 4 dozen chocolate chip cookies.  (and I cleaned up the kitchen after all that cooking/baking -- cause it did look a bit like a hurricane blew through).  Today I am polishing all the wood floors making them sparkle and shine.  And before Sir Steve comes home from work -- I wanna be showered and sparkling and shining myself.

Maybe if he sees the old me peeking out..... maybe he will realize I won't break -- I may bend..... but damn I need to bend.......I need to be anchored and grounded and feeling needed........... 

I need to be my submissive self

On Being Submissive

I've been celebrating my submissiveness for over 25 years.  For most of those years the image I had in my head looked pretty much like the picture above...... both literally and figuratively..... on a leash - under someone's control.

There was a 'way of behaving'... there were protocols... I learned to be quiet and invisible.

UNTIL 

Sir Steve came back into my life and showed me (reprogrammed me) that submissive doesn't -- really does NOT mean -- doormat!  and it's much more than a leash and spankings and sex.

There are still moments where I miss the fantasy world of submission that I created... but then I realize this ... THIS... is way more realistic and do-able.

and thank god for that !!  because the struggles I am having these days would destroy me ....... I am far far from being the 'good submissive' my fantasy world required.  

I realized on the weekend I am 'snappish' and impatient and cranky. Not all the time -- but more (much more) than usual.  Last night I stepped over the dog's feet one too many times and yipped at her to get on her bed -- that I was tired of falling over her........ the lil one came out to have her hair brushed before bed ... and she had gotten something in her hair and it was gummy and hard to brush -- and I snapped at her......... Then I snapped at Sir Steve over the lil one's bedtime....... then I went outside to have a cigarette and cool down.

When I came back in I apologized ....... Sir Steve got up and came and wrapped his arms around me.... he whispered in my ear that he got it...... I wasn't responsible for these moods....... that he had my back and we'd get through this together... 

It made me cry  (well I kinda cry over everything these days)  

BUT this is more D/s than any other relationship I have ever had.  I believe no matter what Sir Steve will help me through it......... he does have my back -- he will protect me -- support me -- be there for me.

Life is good when the reality is much better than the fantasy.

Learning Curve

Remember the red nail polish I bought this week in hopes of going to a play party this weekend?? Well yesterday unfortunately those plans got cancelled.  

And I was disappointed.

When Hands was talking to me yesterday about the weekend and other things He gave me two tasks to complete by the end of the day.

But my disappointment was stronger than my desire to do my tasks. So I thought I would just ask him to cut me some slack.

Funny thing happened when that topic came up...... I was told to complete my tasks by the end of the day... pointe finale. No other Dom/Top has ever stood their ground with me before.  I have always counted on getting my own way -- batting my baby blues and getting my own way.  

But not with Hands.

For the first time in my submissive life I discovered the meaning of doing something you definitely do not want to do -- have no desire to do.

The tasks got done by the end of the day.  And I felt content and happy and funny enough I felt grounded and cared for........because Hands didn't cut me any slack. 

Frustrating

I have not had long hair in years.  Many years back I had cancer and had to take some pretty strong chemicals to kill it.  The chemicals worked -- but my hair suffered.  Usually your hair grows back -- mine sort of did.  But it was never very thick or strong -- afterwards it was worse.

I wore it chin length for many years.

When my life slid sideways off the tracks one of the things I did was cut my hair short (rebellion?? who knows)  Then I cut it shorter.

Then I met Hands.

And he told me he liked longer hair.  No request.  No demands.  Just his preference.  

So I decided to grow this hair that was shaved up the back and about as short as any male.

I don't have a lot of patience.  BUT I kept telling myself if I could lose the weight I could do anything -- including grow my hair..... (suffer through the growing stage)

Yesterday I went to the hairdresser.  I used to see her every 4 weeks -- now it's every 6 weeks.  She was all enthusiastic about how much my hair had grown.  I looked in the mirror and thought "oh yeah??? which one?!"  

It almost hurt to watch the scissors snip away the little bit of growth -- but when she was finished she pointed out how the back was much longer - no longer shaved and can actually be styled.  The left side (which was almost shaved) is almost the same length as the right side.

So yeah my hair is growing.

BUT when I see Hands, he is gonna tease me that my hair is still not long. AND I am gonna wanna slap him.  (notice I said "wanna"! not that I would - cause I am a good lil sub and would NEVER hit a Dom -- insert very cheeky grin )

BUT I will grow my hair -- because it is what Hands prefers and that's how I am wired.

Epiphany

Actually I had a couple of 'em yesterday......

One is that his wife reads here -- hell she has been reading here since before we even met -- since the beginning -- since The Journey.  I knew that -- and have been censoring myself a little bit....... except for yesterday...... yesterday the words just exploded out of my head......... and the world didn't come to an end (see my happy face?)

The second one is much more important.

I have talked about this a wee bit before...... how submissives always set the ground rules -- with their hard limits.  It's something I have always done -- from the very beginning.  There were things that I put on the list that were not really hard limits -- no they were more things that scared me.  Things that I was sure would define me -- by the standards I was raised.  

And then Hands came along.  And He asked about the things on my hard limits -- and made me think about them.... really think. And I agreed to ask some awkward questions -- and then I agreed to drop some of the hard limits.

And then I had a mini melt down.  I thought I was suffering from sub drop -- but deep down inside I knew it was so much more.  I was hearing all my 'friendly' voices that talk to me in the dead of night..... I was fragile ..... and scared.  Hands had a talk with me yesterday -- and He said something that really struck home with me... 

" A lot of people are happy to be submissive if they are submitting to doing things that they want to do anyways. It takes a lot more to push limits, especially ones that can be scary in their own way"

 I sat staring at those words -- he was so right!  I have always been a 'good submissive" but how hard was it when it was all the things I wanted to do anyway??? 

This time we started doing something HE wanted -- HE liked and it felt very uncomfortable for many reasons.  Mostly because of the lessons I learned growing up .... my favourite phrase from those years were " they won't respect you in the morning"  In my muddled state yesterday I asked Hands 'do you still respect me' (small smile) and I told him about the voices and how scared I was.  He made me smile by saying he would take my voices and have a nice talk with them over tea. 

It's really hard to push one's comfort levels -- and there's still a whole lot of pushing to do -- but I know that I am pleasing Him -- and that he will be there when I get fragile.  

Internal Struggles

I have had a lot of words rolling around in my head these last few days..... and have had (am still having a hard time) sorting them out and accepting them.

words....... mother, hot, sister, sexy, grandma, hot, friend, cold, sensual, horny, photographer, retired, submissive, masochist, blah blah blah... the list is endless.  IF you put "I am " in front of any of those words you have my truth or someone else's truth about me.

Intimacy is another word that has been gnawing at me... I am thinking everyone has a different definition -- ok maybe not definition but importance attached to that word.

Sometimes - can't a form of intimacy be much stronger -- have more impact on one party than another??  much like words can have more of an impact on someone?? (and remember I really REALLY struggle with the lessons I learned -- good girls DO NOT....(fill in the blank)..... without a commitment)

And how do you explain that a word (and perhaps an intimate act) is leaving you limp and emotional?

I think it starts off as fun - exciting - arousing - because a word, an act can be a private secret between two people...... in theory.  BUT in reality when it is no longer just a theory being tossed about -- when it happens -- it can leave you feeling fragile no??? 

And then I think of all those words I have read - or heard -- or even debated --  about how women react differently to intimate acts than males do........ women can feel them deeper can be more invested in the act than the male.  

How do I get pass feeling limp and fragile?  How do I move from here 'X'  to -------- feeling I have been pleasing and a good submissive, a good girl ..... that I haven't done something wrong??? 

As stupid as this sounds -- and trust me even as I write this I feel stupid -- how do I get pass feeling like I have lowered my personal worth ???

Yeah like I said -- I am feeling just a tad fragile right now...

 

Positive Re-enforcement

I had a little chat with his wife recently -- and I mentioned that I had put on 4 ounces.  I was stressing as only I can.  A couple of days later Hands brought it up with me -- quietly, no lecture just quiet words of encouragement.  I promised him I would try very hard not to stress over it -- and that I would work really hard not to spiral out of control -- after all -- I realized "part of my job as a submissive is to keep myself healthy for him" and I told him that.

I didn't think much more about the chat....... but I did keep eating my 3 meals a day -- and not over exercising (too much) 

Yesterday when Hands and I were chatting he just said in passing "I am proud of the way you handled the 4 ounces".  Just like that -- no fuss -- just - I'm proud of you.  And I realized how often I hear those words.  It's amazing how good those words make me feel..... and how much easier it is to do the things Hands wants me to -- or just to do the things I know I should do....... because he  quietly notices and re-enforces my positive behaviour/attitude.  He makes me feel valued and respected and more importantly he makes me feel "seen" .........

How to Do This Thing we call Submission

Lilac had some more questions for me -- 

Yes and I would like to ask you questions. Because I have a little confusion here. They say that once a person submits, that person can't make the rules . What would you advise and suggest a young and very strong submissive (who is a complete leader in vanilla world) entering the lifestyle in looking for a Dom ?

1). Should she find a 24/7 Dom who will let her do things her way in serving ?

2). Or should she find a Dom for bedroom purpose only ? 



(please everyone remember -- this is MY opinion!!)

Lilac --

I don't know where you are getting your information from -- BUT saying you can't make the rules is just wrong.  You should have the final say on what happens or doesn't happen -- which is why a submissive should be strong -- should know what she wants -- what she likes -- what she craves.

But there are steps........ ready?

When you meet a Dominant you are interested in -- when you have had the coffee dates and the usual getting to know you dates -- then you start 'negotiating'...... and there is no time limit on negotiations!!  One of you should have a check list -- find a very extensive one -- and fill it in -- and go over it with the Dominant ...... talk it out  -- and talk it out again.  And THINK about what you are agreeing to... 

Being a submissive can mean serving - it doesn't always have to though.  If it is not your 'thing' then service is off the table.  BUT -- if you like taking care of someone you love -- like making meals for them -- like making sure their creature comforts are taken care of -- putting them first -- then you negotiate what that looks like for you both.

AND

over time -- you can re-negotiate!  as you learn and grow - what you said "NO" or "maybe" to can change as your comfort levels increase.

BUT having said all that ....
on a day to day basis no you cannot change the rules -- you stick to what you agree on .. what you have negotiated....... which is why I said make sure -- SURE -- you negotiate well!


Lilac --

when it comes to looking for a Dom -- whether your relationship is 24/7 or just in the bedroom - it starts out just like any relationship -- vanilla or BDSM.  You spend time together -- you socialize together -- and you figure out (the best you can) if it is gonna work.  24/7 is pretty much like being married ya know.......... would you move in with someone -- or have someone move in with you after one date -- or one month??? 
AND if you find that someone special -- you still don't HAVE to do 24/7........ take it from me -- no matter how hard you try to have 24/7 real life gets in the way.... family, work, children, illnesses -- a whole multitude of stuff........ negotiate it -- negotiate everything -- and dear god -- always communicate!!  Even if you are striving to be the best slave the world has ever seen - remember in the final analysis only YOU can be responsible for YOU!  

(climbs down off the soap box now)

HOT

Know what is hot for me -- turns me on???
 
Kneeling -- picturing myself kneeling at Hands feet.  Yeah I know probably doesn't do much for you -- but me?? god it turns me to jelly.

There was a discussion yesterday on FL that I got mentioned in (which is why I read it -- I honestly have given up reading anything on Fet these days -- but that's another post)

Someone said that you can't be a masochist AND a submissive ..... WTF???!!!  
I can't even wrap my head around someone who believes such nonsense!  I know what I am and no one can change it with some uneducated opinion!  I can amp down my masochism but I cannot amp down the submissive side of me.........which is why images of me kneeling at Hands feet turn me on more than the thought of a beating.  AND yet if I am being beaten I can take as much as he wants to give me............ and absolutely love it.

Mind you (cheeky grin) Hands did mention something the other day about barbed wire wrapped around my dildo -- now THAT I think might just push my masochist limits!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IF I have to do a 7 day Nature photo challenge -- you folks have to see my daily submissions -- only seems fair ya know???

I present today's picture..............

I'm rather proud of my feather floating in the lake .............

Craving

Craving -- 

not a beating
not a fucking
no those I want 

What I am craving is 
to kneel at his feet and feel his hand on my back -- in my hair -- on my neck.
to hear his voice whisper in my ear 
to know I have pleased him.

 

Diet

Something I don't think I've talked about here is I hate GREEN vegetables!  (actually most vegetables -- but especially green ones)

During my negotiations with Hands -- I jokingly said one of my hard limits was green veggies.  He just went "hrmmmm" and we moved on.

We have had a few meals together -- but they didn't involve veggies.

On Wednesday evening I was over at their house for dinner...... a family dinner complete with kids.  Dinner was spaghetti and stuffed ZUCCHINI.  Zucchini is GREEN.  Hands was sitting beside me and he passed the plate of zucchini to me.  I smiled sweetly and said "no thanks" and He smiled back and said "oh yes I think you will enjoy these.  My daughter made them".  I looked up to see said daughter watching me.  I smiled and helped myself to the smallest piece of stuffed zucchini on the plate -- and trust me -- it wasn't THAT small!!

That was one of the biggest tests of my submission we have had yet.  I ate the whole piece........... just!
 
Last night I made dinner -- Thai noodles and chinese dumplings.  I sent Hands a picture of my dinner -- just cause I was in a very cheeky mood.  And the caption read " My dinner - note NO green veggies".  

The "brat" is still very much alive! 

The Task

Hands gave me a task to complete yesterday.  For most people it would be easy and most likely pleasurable.   But not for me.  For me it made my stomach clinch and knot.  I thought to myself -- it was a pretty open ended assignment........ I don't have a time frame ... I can work on it.. build up my 'confidence'.

But half way through the day I got a message from Him........ had I completed the task? I explained no I hadn't but I was working up to it.  He offered me incentive.

I really did struggle for about 2 minutes.  Despite my nervousness about the task -- my desire to please  -- my desire to do what I was told won out and I completed the task and sent him my report.

For me -- that is what submission means -- it's not all fun and games and what pleases me -- not even close.  It is doing what I am asked to do and pleasing him.  It's feels so damn good to find that place again -- I have come home.

Thoughts

 

I was at a meeting last night of the Bottom/sub Support Group.  It's a discussion group and each month we just ramble along discussing things that interest us - that we are curious about - that we think about.  

Last night the discussion came up about "submission" 

Angel had told me in the car about a poem she wrote on Fetlife based on the "Grinch who stole Christmas" it was inspired - to put it mildly.  The last two lines went

"Maybe submission," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
Maybe submission… perhaps… means a little bit more"
(forgive me Angel for pirating this bit !!)

When it was my turn to speak - I was asked why I don't identify as "submissive" anymore on Fetlife ........

There's no easy answer to that ...... I am still VERY much submissive - inside - in my heart.  BUT it is my belief that if I have no one to serve - and play with Tops - then I am bottom.  THAT does not mean I am not submissive anymore - my submission didn't just pack it's bags and go on an extended holiday.  My submission is still there - and longs to come out......... 

BUT

(you knew there was gonna be a BUT right?)

YOU (all you toppy sorts) have to want the submissive to come out... A Dom - in my opinion - is only a word (like bottom) that someone puts on their profile on Fetlife - or tattoos to their forehead.  My submission doesn't honor fake Doms -  my submission is for someone who believes in the strength and the beauty and resilience of submission.  And wants that - seeks that - pulls that out of me - for it is mine to give - and I am ready to give it again.


I am hoping one day someone will want the submissive side of me to come out -  but until then............

I am a bottom.