Let the Fun begin.......

 

 

Remember those eye hooks we bought for our new home?? Remember where Sir Steve installed them?

 

Well Sunday afternoon Sir Steve decided we were gonna test them out...... I was sent upstairs to find my cuffs and the clips... and to get naked.  Took me a bit to find them - cause yeah we hadn't unpacked the toy bag.. and of course the cuffs and clips were buried on the bottom.... not complaining ... cause it gave me a chance/excuse to lay out all my favourite toys!! 

 

Sir Steve followed me upstairs and the old rituals fell into place.  I presented my wrists and he put the cuffs on - then he attached me to the eye hooks ..............(and he humoured me and took a picture for my blog)

 

I had mentioned (ok ok more like begged him) not to expect too much from me as it has been absolutely AGES since we played hard..... I reminded him of how he used to build up the intensity taking me higher and higher .... 

Because I knew this was going to happen at some point on Sunday - my anticipation had built up............ so when Sir Steve started I just about melted........ 

Sir Steve cycled through all the toys I had laid out ......... I have absolutely no idea how long we played - but it felt like we had come home!! It felt like we both settled into our rightful places.... like we had unplugged and rebooted.  AND that is an excellent feeling............. 

Afterwards we had leftover baked tortellini for supper (thank god for leftovers cause I don't think I was in any shape to make a meal) and I glowed and purred all evening long!

New Home - New Beginnings - New Memories!

 

 

Busy Saturday

 

 

We started packing boxes (again) early this morning...... haven't finished but Sir Steve said 'break time' so I have 5 minutes to post ............. 

 

There is something Sir Steve said about the new home that has me shaking with anticipation............ He mentioned kind of in passing last week  that he couldn't wait to get us installed in our new bedroom.  

 

Our new bedroom is a loft - and is pretty much the entire area of the downstairs ....... it's HUGE!!!  

 

He said 'FINALLY I'll have space to use my big flogger and really truly whip your ass'.  I kinda filled up with tears ... and whispered "do you promise?" cause it's been so long since my ass was all red and bruised and hurting.

This morning while we were packing boxes (and MORE boxes) he suggested the over the door hook rack thingy we have could go inside his cupboard in the bedroom (we both have our own cupboards - mine's a walk in!!  YAY!!) and that he could hang our favourite toys from the hooks - very accessible.  AND should someone wander upstairs they wouldn't see the toys.

It's amazing how fast packing goes when you have a daydream playing out in your head !!

Tuesday Jan 2017

On New Year's Day 2017 I couldn't wait to get home to text with Sir Steve again.  My mind was drowning in him -- in memories of him.

On Monday Jan 2 2017 Sir Steve suggested he take a drive to Kingston the next day and we could have a lunch date.  I agreed hesitantly (cause we had made plans for him to come for a visit on the Thursday ) BUT I told him I knew exactly what I would make -- and what dress I would wear.  He told me no underpants and that made my heart skip a beat and my stomach knot.

He arrived around noon -- and as he walked into the apartment he pushed me up against the wall and kissed me till my knees went weak.  He ran his hands down my back and over my ass -- and whispered in my ear "good girl - no underpants".

I managed to serve lunch -- I don't think I tasted it at all -- hell I don't even remember what I made.  After lunch and some snuggling and kissing - he had me kneel up on a chair and he gave me a small spanking session...... then he took my hand and led me to the bedroom.

In my head the voices were screaming at me -- 'if you do this he won't be back - you aren't supposed to fuck on the first date' and all the other messages my voices like to nag me with.......... I didn't care.  10 years ago I would have sold my soul to the devil for one night in bed with Sir Steve ........ and this was finally my chance.

We spent an amazing couple of hours in bed together...... and as the time for him to leave got closer I started stressing.  'He probably wouldn't come back on Thursday -- he got what he wanted - right?? why bother coming back?' 

Finally I squeaked out "sooooooooo will you still come for the weekend?" Sir Steve looked shocked - and asked why wouldn't he??!!!  

And he did come back on Thursday and stayed till Sunday............. 

We 'made it happen' ...... we really did!!  And as much as it has been a full year we have been together I still get weak knees when he kisses me and being in bed with him is my favourite place to be.......... 

Life is good when your dreams come true.

A little Blip

Well I had a little blip on the weekend.  Saturday I woke up with a small tiny sore throat.  I told Sir Steve "I am not sick -- it's just a small tiny cold bug".  

We went off to the munch/barbeque and had a great time.  Sir Steve got to meet a lot of new people -- we stuffed ourselves on salads and hamburgers and sweets. We watched the fireworks.  And......... I got cold... colder... coldest!  By the time we got in the car to head back to Kingston I was frozen!! When we curled into bed we snuggled and I passed out - dosed up on Tylenol and cold medicine.

Sunday we got up and loaded up my car as planned and headed off to the trailer.  I didn't have much energy -- but I just kept repeating it's just a small tiny cold -- I am NOT sick.  Sunday night at bedtime we snuggled in bed and I passed out again from the Tylenol and cold medicine.

Monday -- truthfully - I felt like crap!  My bones ached -- my sinuses ached --  and I had absolutely NO energy.  

We loaded up the cars and came down the highway to Cornwall.  I barely got my car unloaded before I climbed into a nice hot bath.   I had to admit the small tiny cold might just be beating my ass.  (insert BIG sigh) 

It wasn't quite the way I imagined our first 'forever' weekend together....... but it is what it is..... Sir Steve made me coffee -- and made tortellini for dinner and made me stay on the sofa and relax.  

My imagined first 'forever' weekend wasn't what I expected -- but we've got forever to make up for it.............  

Negotiate?

Hands and CG are away this weekend for some much deserved private time.

Yesterday he was talking to me about some tasks he wanted me to do while they were away.  During the conversation he brought up things to come in the future in our private times.  One of the things he said was 'maybe we will negotiate some consensual/non-consenual play".  

I sat staring at the words. I was confused.  I questioned why we needed to negotiate anything further -- in my mind we have negotiated everything.  He knows my hard limits. He knows I trust him. His answer was that he took my trust with honour and with responsibility.
 
Last night I kept stewing over this.  It upset me.  It made me feel like I was only bottoming for him.  Yeah it really upset me.  It brought a big lump to my throat.

I came here to write about it -- to get it out of my head ya know?? and when I was looking for a picture for 'negotiate'  I came across this....

  
and it stopped me in my tracks.  I restarted my thought processes.  Yeah in the past I have only ever negotiated once with my Doms and my Tops.  I never thought it was necessary to negotiate any further.  Was I wrong?

Granted we never discussed consensual / non-consensual play.  But we have talked about it as a fantasy of mine. I can't help thinking how 'non-consensual' will it be if we negotiate it and I know what he plans........ do you know what I mean?? 

I get where he's coming from -- but I AM struggling with the concept.  Any thoughts?? words of advice?? 

Rock and a Hard Place

My whole life I have believed in truth......  I grew up in the 60's I burned my bra and marched for peace.  I have always believed in speaking the truth -- even when it wasn't popular.

Back a few years I lost that fight in my soul.  I wanted to find my own peace.  I didn't want to fight any more battles ..... didn't want to tilt at any more windmills 

And now I am faced with yet another small windmill.... do I fight yet one last battle -- or walk away and leave it spinning in the wind??  My life is finally settling down -- I feel like I am in the best place I have been in a long time.  Do I have to fight every battle that is dumped on my doorstep?  

Can't I just walk away from this one? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I have done some major thinking about this one.... based partially on a response I got to an email.

I deserve to live my life freely -- unburdened by guilt -- or shame.  I deserve to bring more happiness and joy to the relationships I am in -- rather than stress and drama.

I will become the person I have dreamed of being.......I will be strong and brave and find my peace... and no one will prevent me from reaching that goal 

 

 


 
 

Mono-poly (edited for some clarity)

I read a piece yesterday on FL entitled "Change your Cookbook: A monogamuggle's guide to cookin' with polyfolk".  And it just kinda smacked me upside the head.

When I started this "Continued Journey" I had no idea where it would take me -- where I would land up.  I did have this idea in my head of poly -- and how it would allow me to have my cake and eat it too...... you know -- have my own space -- some freedom -- AND companionship.  It took a while -- some false starts for sure.  I had a picture in my head how it should look.... and I wasn't having any luck in finding my picture perfect match.

Well that is until Hands and his wife came along.

And the relationship started to take on "picture perfect" proportions.  As time has gone on --  I have come to realize (thanks to Hands and his wife) that they see this as a whole picture not just the good times - but the rough times too --  I have come to realize I honestly don't want or need anyone else in my life. 

And there was my problem.  How could I be poly if I just wanted to be monogamous with Hands and his wife?  Monogamous relationships have a schedule of sorts ya know?? You meet -- you date - you spend loads of time together -- you move in together -- and you plan "happily ever after"

Maybe it's because I have had 3 relationships that were supposed to be "happily ever after"........ pffft !  didn't happen did it??!!  

Now I am not looking for fairy tale endings.  I am looking for a happy fairy tale story in the here and now.  Now I cherish each day we have together.  

The small things are important to me -- chats with Hands -- our private time -- our group times.  Feeling accepted and welcomed into their relationship.  

The future?? shrug - who knows what any future holds -- even if you are monogamous -- endings happen.  I don't want to look or even think about endings -- I want to live today -- in the here and now.  It's good now -- sharing is good -- I'm happy and contented. 

I am not less poly because I have decided to settle down with one partner who is poly.  It just means I am mono in a poly relationship.  Hands has to keep all the plates spinning - so to speak.  Me ?? I just get to give him all my attention -- make just him happy ..... and be available/be present when we are together....... we being Hands and I -- his wife and I - or all 3 of us.
 
And one last quick thought on this -- I think - KNOW - I am extremely lucky to have a close relationship with his wife -- not many poly relationships have the 'others' get along as well -- become as close as we have. 

So I have a new label -- mono-poly -- I know I am not some odd ball -- and I know that loving and living for this moment is the best way to find a low stress happy life.

And that is a very good thing!  
 

Epiphany

Actually I had a couple of 'em yesterday......

One is that his wife reads here -- hell she has been reading here since before we even met -- since the beginning -- since The Journey.  I knew that -- and have been censoring myself a little bit....... except for yesterday...... yesterday the words just exploded out of my head......... and the world didn't come to an end (see my happy face?)

The second one is much more important.

I have talked about this a wee bit before...... how submissives always set the ground rules -- with their hard limits.  It's something I have always done -- from the very beginning.  There were things that I put on the list that were not really hard limits -- no they were more things that scared me.  Things that I was sure would define me -- by the standards I was raised.  

And then Hands came along.  And He asked about the things on my hard limits -- and made me think about them.... really think. And I agreed to ask some awkward questions -- and then I agreed to drop some of the hard limits.

And then I had a mini melt down.  I thought I was suffering from sub drop -- but deep down inside I knew it was so much more.  I was hearing all my 'friendly' voices that talk to me in the dead of night..... I was fragile ..... and scared.  Hands had a talk with me yesterday -- and He said something that really struck home with me... 

" A lot of people are happy to be submissive if they are submitting to doing things that they want to do anyways. It takes a lot more to push limits, especially ones that can be scary in their own way"

 I sat staring at those words -- he was so right!  I have always been a 'good submissive" but how hard was it when it was all the things I wanted to do anyway??? 

This time we started doing something HE wanted -- HE liked and it felt very uncomfortable for many reasons.  Mostly because of the lessons I learned growing up .... my favourite phrase from those years were " they won't respect you in the morning"  In my muddled state yesterday I asked Hands 'do you still respect me' (small smile) and I told him about the voices and how scared I was.  He made me smile by saying he would take my voices and have a nice talk with them over tea. 

It's really hard to push one's comfort levels -- and there's still a whole lot of pushing to do -- but I know that I am pleasing Him -- and that he will be there when I get fragile.  

Change

By now I am sure you all know I do not like change -- don't handle it well -- and stress over it.  

Hands told the wife and myself about a month ago that his shift was going to change from days to nights for about a month.  At the time I thought 'a month - that's not bad -- it could be permanent'  I also thought it wasn't my problem ..... that I would take this change in my stride and help the wife cope with it.

On Friday Hands told me the shift change was starting next Tuesday -- which is today.  I felt a small blip in my stomach -- but ignored it.  

Hands and I had some amazing private time on Sunday -- limits were pushed that left me feeling a little bit vulnerable and shaky.  And as our time together was coming to an end I felt the lump in my throat.  The reality of the changes were looming -- I couldn't ignore them anymore.

My life (as if you hadn't figured it out) is built on schedules.......  I knew what time was better than others to message the wife (in the morning before the gym), when I could contact Hands with requests -- or just to say hi.  BUT not now - now I really don't understand what his hours are -- 8 hour shifts or 10 hour shifts -- when will he be sleeping/awake.... and the wife - when will she be around to chat?? 

I know I know -- I am really being silly - it will all work out and new schedules I am sure will fall into place.  I will find my little space to fit in -- unobtrusively - quietly in the corner.

BUT yesterday and today I felt/feel shaky and anxious -- and of course it's not just about shift changes -- there were other emotional blips this weekend.  I can handle most anxieties if the foundation of my day to day life is solid... right now it doesn't feel that solid.

Last night Hands said "you have a core of iron deep inside you - if you look deep enough".  It doesn't feel like it........but core of iron or not -- I WILL figure this out -- I will NOT be a whiny clingy partner...... I will adjust and will find a new schedule to give me some stability!!  

Luncheon

Yesterday I went to visit his wife and we went out for lunch.  It was a much needed (well for me) visit.  I really do enjoy her and we have more in common than seems possible for two people not actually related.   

I have had a secret I was keeping from both of them -- but I am no good at keeping secrets.  I asked her if there was any chance we could try to do our dinner this weekend (to replace the dinner that got cancelled cause of migraine headaches).  And just kinda blurted out why it was important to me -- the secret.  I kicked myself all the way home cause I really did want to keep it a secret from her too -- but I am worse than a kid when it comes to secrets.  She said she would talk to Hands -- and maybe if he had nothing planned he would agree they could come for dinner this Saturday -- I have my fingers crossed -- hell I have everything that can be crossed - crossed!!

Then when I got home I got a message on Facebook that a teaching friend had challenged me to take a Nature picture a day for 7 days.  I can't say no to a challenge so I went out for a walk last evening and took a slew of pictures.  The one I picked for the challenge was this one of some tall grass by the lake

and here are a couple more I took that I rather liked........ I am enjoying taking the sky as the sun sets - just really love the colours.