Thankful Thursday.......

 

 This morning I was going back through posts from 2018/2019 looking for pictures - cause dontcha know my external hard drive died on the weekend (le sigh) My life is on that external drive GAH!!!!  did everything you're taught to do  -- back up back up back up.... and my 'back up' died GAH!!!

Anyway................

'cause I had nothing better to do (like cleaning the house) I started reading some of the posts and the comments....... and some names jumped out at me... like NJ - Windy referred to her in a comment and I had NO memory of NJ - slap me upside the head!!

I have been thinking how things are changing just a little bit in blogland.  Really it feels like it started to change since I found kdpierre's blog... I know one thing that changed - kd kinda slapped my wrist and scolded me for not replying to comments - that led more than one 'lurker' to affirm they WOULD comment if they thought I would answer.

OMG!  I felt so .......... so......... not sure - bad?? lazy??? I promised I would start answering comments - as much as possible.  

BUT before I go any further - I have to recognise two visitors who cut me a whole lot of slack and commented despite my not answering - Roz and Boosghost. Roz is a constant on this blog (and many others!!)  Every single day I look for Roz's comment - and worry just a little if she misses a day (though she will make up for it the next day!!) Boosghost commented - but she also contacted me by email........ and LOL... right when I was having major issues with my email....... remember Boo??

kd was right - answering the comments has brought more comments......... and even some 'new' folks........ but more than that .. much more than that.. I feel like I am getting to know my commenters a little better.  When I started this blog I was gonna mention everyone by name.......... but then I thought dear god what if I miss someone??!!!  So I chickened out......... 

I realized (slowly cause I am slow like that some times!) that each of you who stop by The Journey are becoming good friends... and you all feel like my cheering section.. my support group... and I hope you can feel my presence when I visit your blogs - and know I am cheering you on... offering hugs if/when you need them... and my honest opinions (looking at kd and grinning)

You are all amazing ....... and I thank each of you - every single one of you - for reading The Journey and just being there for me !

Life is good when friends surround you............

Routines

I love routines!!  they keep my world upright and moving forward.... change my routines and I get flustered and distracted and seem to fall behind.

I have a continuing conversation with myself -- they are MY routines so I can change them... it's ok to change them... and sometimes even necessary to change them.

My morning routine in the city is .... 1st coffee outside on the deck.... say goodbye to Sir Steve... take my pills ... pour my 2nd cup of coffee and write my blog............

Here in the country my routines are a bit blurred........ sometimes I don't have a second cup of coffee till much later... sometimes I don't drag the computer out from the bedroom until time for homeschooling.... then I get flustered 'cause I haven't written my blog!!!

This morning I had my morning coffee visit which delays the start of my day by about an hour.........

my next door neighbour up here and I have become best friends... in September when we were moving back to the city we both moaned that we would miss our morning visits......... she mentioned she came into our town for groceries every Monday so we made a date to do coffee on Mondays all winter. 

And we did....... until covid happened.

Now we're back to morning coffee on the deck -- and yes we are social distancing... thank god for a big deck!!  My visits with her are stronger than my need for routines...amazingly enough..... this morning when I came inside to make breakfast for the lil one I didn't even flinch that my blog post hadn't been written.  My blogland friends would wait......... my coffee with BFF takes precedent ........ WOW!!  no getting flustered or distracted...... it hit me this morning that friendship can override my routines and that is a very good thing!!

Fix It

There has been a friendship problem in my life.  I was told how I was feeling -- yes that's right -- I WAS TOLD HOW I FELT.  Nothing irritates me more than being told how I feel -- or how I should feel....

And in one form or another -- I was also being told by folks to  "FIX IT" (which you may not realize -- says to me "You broke it - you fix it!"   thank you very much for placing that blame squarely/solely on MY shoulders)

Anyway .............. 

we talked on the weekend -- 

And I have been processing what we said to each other.

AND I realized -- I may have been at fault 

at one point I was very broken -- and weak -- and trying to find my feet -- trying to find who I was again........... and I leaned too heavily on a friend to help me find my feet.  

THAT was definitely my fault.  I was allowing someone to replace W and tell me what to do and how to do it.........I should never have allowed that!  That had been unhealthy for too long -- I should not have allowed that to continue in any form!

I was -- way back 'before' - a very strong independent woman who took care of herself quite well........... and took care of her family .... and a whole mess of other folks.

I found my way back to that place.

Friend and I had to sort that out......... and we tried.

Did we succeed??

Only time will tell.

 

A Quiet Moment in Time

It was late and dark as I climbed in my car to do the long drive home.

My mind was reviewing the evening - feeling the knots of discomfort -- feeling the awkwardness ......... and then I caught a whiff of a scent... 

My senses heightened -- it was in my hair and across my shoulders. A small smile came to my face - the awkwardness and the discomfort disappeared .  In it's place was the memory of his scent....... of his soft voice speaking soft words ... of his strong arms pulling me close in a hug - soft words apologizing for not being able to fix it ... calm words - strong arms and a soft kiss.

The drive home was not so long anymore - or so miserable -- his scent was with me and I felt surrounded by his calm and his peace and his strength. 

Second Sweetest Thing

Do you ever hold on to something / someone long past the "overdue" date?? 

I think I tend to do that some times...... I hide when I see problems - pretend everything is ok - and just carry on........ 

BUT things had changed between The Sadist and I a few weeks ago.  I felt it / sensed it.  BUT pretended everything was ok - until pretending didn't work anymore.  

Angel and I talked about my feelings - and she had all sorts of reasons why I might be feeling this way - and then I guess I said - "I will just let it die a natural death" meaning he probably wouldn't contact me again and I wouldn't have to do or say anything.

BUT Angel is not a sit by and let things happen kinda girl - she told me to write him - to put it out there - "take control DAMMIT" I think she said (small smile)

And so I spent a long sleepless night weighing my words - and yesterday morning sent off an email to The Sadist.  

His response surprised me a bit - he wanted to come and talk about it.

My response to that email was typical "morningstar" ........ I thought I was gonna throw up.

Angel called me - she offered to come and be with me - but I said no I would do this "hard stuff" alone - but could I call her when he had gone 

(God as I write this I sound like a bloody teenager in high school - or neurotic!!)

Anyway The Sadist came - and you know what - I am glad he did - I am glad he made me sit down and talk with him...... it's all part of being "grown up" right?? 

The long and short of the conversation was we parted friends - and laughing........ which when you think about it is a wonderful way to end a relationship....... friends laughing.

BUT that isn't what this blog entry is really about....... 

The Sadist sent me an email in the afternoon - he told me Angel had sent him a message - and he said " ............ perhaps you both need to be as strong for yourselves as you are for each other.  You two worry so much about the other.... but maybe that's what a best friend is really about" 

I sat smiling at that bit - I cut and pasted it to Angel - she wrote back "that's the second sweetest thing anyone said today" 

I thought it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said about Angel and I 

Friends

When I moved here to Kingston - I only had W.  It was kinda scary to be honest.  I left behind a huge community of friends ........... and of course my family.

But I discovered friendship here ..... and it didn't take long.  AND when the times got tough those friends rallied around me and held me up and helped me find my feet .. my strength.. and my life.  

BUT there is one friend........ Angel ........ who holds a very special place in my heart.  She was the quiet one who heard the pain behind the words "I'm fine thanks" .. She's the one who came the day after I moved - and in all that heat - on her holidays - motivated me to unpack - to organise - to claim this apartment as mine - as MY HOME.
And she didn't leave when it was done.  She stayed ......... and become my mentor in this thing called life .. she has slapped me upside the head - delicately - when I needed it.  She has been my guide through this dating process.  She has been my safe call both literally and figuratively.  

It's really weird this friendship......... how it started ............. 

About 4 years ago I got an email message off The Journey that basically asked if I would mentor her.  Usually I don't pay much attention to those sorts of messages - usually I politely decline and forget about it.  BUT this time I sent back a rather snarky message that said " define mentor for me" ........... And from that first email .. first seed .. a deep abiding friendship has grown.

She comes here every day and reads what I write.  And sometimes my written words  come out easier than talking.......... 

I love Angel like a sister - NO - probably more than a sister.  You have been my rock and my guide - my confessor - my strength - my voice of reason.  I know what a big step you have taken Angel ....... and I am thinking it probably is a bit scary - but please know - please HEAR me - I am here - day or night - let me be your rock this time.. let me help anyway I can.  That's what friends do for each other........... so let me do for you now.. Let me be strong for you..  look beside you that's where I am  !!

 

Depression

I read an article on Fetlife this morning about depression in Dominants.  It was very moving............ written by a submissive who was trying very hard to help her Dominant through depression. 

I read that article while I was waiting for a friend to come over for an early coffee (8am). And she didn't show up......... the same way she nearly missed my Open House on the 1st - would have missed it if another friend hadn't texted her and nudged her out of the house and over here.

I read that article and thought about W and some things he has told me since we split - really nothing I hadn't already suspected... months and months ago.

From time to time I suffer from depression - I have even had a breakdown.  So I honestly believe I understand what it means to be depressed.  I won't claim to know what it means to YOU............. but I've been there........ I know something about it.  And I have never made a secret of the fact that from time to time I suffer with depression.

So I struggle with my friend and W (and maybe others) not reaching out to me.. not opening up to me.  Oh I can't fix the depression only YOU can fix your depression..... but I can - and WILL - support you while you fight it.  You only have to ask !!  Don't push people away who care for you - who want to help - who want to be strong so you can be weak - want to offer a shoulder - or a cup of coffee - or an ear - to help you struggle through................. 

yet so often - more often in my experience - people don't want to admit to being depressed - don't want to talk about it.............. 

they really need to learn that being depressed can mean "you have been strong for too long"..............

A Special Song

A friend I affectionately call "mini me" sent me the following yesterday.....it made me cry - harder than I have cried in the last month...... 

She's a very special friend and I thank her !

Lucky Me

Three years ago I met a woman - someone who had contacted me via my blog (I'll call her J).  At the exact same time I met another woman (I'll call her C) - someone I had   known from Montreal.  I met them both here in Kingston at a munch.  Little did I know, three years ago, that we would become the bestest of friends.  

It was a slow gradual process.  But then last spring when I found out about my tumors - C also found some lumps.  We three decided to have lunch.  We joked that it was our support group.  We met for lunch every month during the rough months.  And then - well then it just developed into a monthly "thing" - lunch with the girls.
 
I consider myself the luckiest person alive to have found these two women.  It's been a long time since I had a bestest friend....... and somehow I got lucky enough to find two!


AND to top it all off.... we're all just a little twisted (devilish grin)

Into Every life.............

A little rain must fall............ 

And for the last few days there has been more than a little rain - both figuratively and literally.  

BUT it's enough now....... 

I am a very lucky woman - I have friends - some whom I have never met - who wouldn't let me wallow in my angst without giving me a kick in the butt....... those are truly good friends :)  They didn't give me platitudes - but rather straight talk.  Sometimes we all need a little straight talk........ I most certainly do.......... 


And I got these sayings............ they whispered in my ear and went straight to my heart........
There was this one.............. 

and this one.........

and this one was actually going to be a header  for a blog I was thinking about writing........... cause ya see..... I have changed my mind.. and it has nothing to do with being a woman.. or not knowing what I want... it has to do with being insecure and unsure but mostly embarrassed .... 

embarrassed by my behaviours last summer - when I was single again.. and trying to find my way in a frantic way - almost sub frenzy.  When I totally lost touch with who I really am..... when I lost touch with my center - with what IS me.  When I allowed myself to be pulled into a whirlpool of opinions and ideas that didn't quite "fit".


And I was too embarrassed to say I made a fool of myself... made mistakes.. and would very much like to take it all back.


I am not saying that I shouldn't have asked to be released - and removed my collar...... no no.. I think I needed to do that.. and I believe that W needed to know I wasn't happy (ok ok maybe I could have found a more delicate way of getting him to understand that - but hey !!  I am nothing if not impulsive) I honestly and truly believe W and I needed some space - we both needed to re-evaluate the relationship - and find what was important.  Was the relationship important enough to save....... to work on........ to tweak and improve??? 

A couple of weekends ago - when I was at Oubliette - I got talking to a Dom - mostly it was joking around.......... but he said something that struck me to my core.  He said that when the contract he has with his sub comes up for renewal he will add a couple of things................ I asked if he was serious ... did they actually have a contract that had to be renewed??? He said yes - every year they sat down and had an honest talk about what was working and what wasn't.  

That made sense to me........... cause what works today - may not work in a year from today........ things you want to try may not be as good - as wonderful - as it seems on the net........... and knowing that you can and will sit down and discuss it again.. review so to speak ... makes a whole helluva lot of sense.  


And some may say - why have a time stamp on it?? why not sit down and talk the minute things aren't working?? Why?? because we don't.  At least W and I didn't.  


Every year - on the anniversary of my collaring - W would crave the number into my body........ that was it............. we never asked each other if we were happy...... if things were working......... even when we knew they weren't.


I personally think it is a great idea....... on the anniversary ...... sit down and talk about the last year in concrete terms.. get it out there.. lay it on the table... dialogue - not one person bitching.. but two people having a meaningful discussion.  Hell that would even work in a marriage.. in any type of relationship.. Instead of celebrating 'surviving' another year - spend some time talking how things could change to make both parties happier.  


shrug - works for me.


So ........... I have changed my mind....... AND.... I am not the same person I was yesterday or last year........... now it is time to work out a new beginning (maybe - W??)

Emotional Investment

I have written in the past about blogs and how invested we all get in what happens in the blogs we read.... the attachments we form to people we don't know - and probably will never know (in real time).


How disappointed/worried/distressed and yes even angry we get when a blog just disappears.   Hell even I will become worried if I don't see a blog being updated... wondering if everything is ok.. what has happened... where are they.  And yeah sometimes I even get a tad angry that they didn't post a good-bye post ....... so at least we know they didn't just implode some dark night.


This has all come to the forefront again because "Under his Hand" has gone on hiatus... and kaya and her Master have disappeared from the blog and from FetLife....... just poof disappeared.  There is a whole lot of speculation and worry over on FetLife as to what has happened to them..... and that shouldn't surprise anyone - including kaya and her Master.   They were active on Fetlife - and kaya was a prolific writer on her blog.  To just up and disappear is worrisome for those of us who only have contact via the net.


I wonder how many of us "blog writers" realize the impact we have on some lives.  I wonder if we fully accept the responsibility we take on when we start writing a blog.  I wonder if we ever fully understand the number of lives we touch in some weird and wonderful way with our words.  


I know I have struggled many times over the years about the quality of what I wrote here... and yeah - from time to time I fussed and fumed over the numbers of hits I got.. knowing that the BDSM, sexy, pain filled blog entries drew a larger readership.  But eventually I would settle down and reclaim the blog as mine...... and write what was in my heart - not what would attract hits.

I have learned - since last March - that people will come to read my words - no matter what I am writing about .......... be it the pain of a rocky relationship or the trials of playing with other people ... or an illness that knocked me on my ass.  These people for whatever reason have become emotionally invested in me.. in my words...... whatever those words say.


It was for that reason when I was in hospital I would ask Warren to update you all... I didn't want to leave anyone hanging..worrying or fussing... or getting angry that I just went poof.


I am not sure where I was going with this entry when I started........ maybe it is just a reminder to me that there are folks out there who are emotionally invested in my life ... my world... and to pay tribute to the fact that they don't just come to read the "good bits"... but they come, like friends, to check up on me... to see how things are and to share a moment of their time with me.

And that is a good thing....... a very good thing!!

Christmas elf

Yesterday Warren and I went over to drakor's for coffee. Now we all used to have coffee once a week... BUT with my new schedule at work I haven't been able to join the "gentlemen". So I took advantage of the Christmas break and joined them yesterday.

There were some emails back and forth - sorting out when and where.. and somewhere in those emails drakor made a cheeky comment about whether he should be dressed or not....... and I made a cheeky comment about the family jewels disappearing because of the cold.... and perhaps I should bring my camera to prove that when things shriveled from the cold he actually looked like a girl.....

So it was left...... until we arrived at his door at 1:30.......

The door opened seemingly by itself.. and I realized drakor was hiding behind it... which made me smile. So - using my most dominating voice - I told drakor to come out and show himself.

Imagine my surprise when this is what appeared before my wondering eyes....... and me without my camera !!!! ( fortunately Warren's phone takes pictures )






Now that is some Christmas elf - isn't it???

Let's take a closer look at drakor's get up......

I couldn't see anything but bows and more bows.... On closer inspection the ones on his chest were attached with bright red clothes pegs... with bells hanging from them... I was sorely tempted to ring his bells....

Once I had gotten past the bows I noticed he was sporting a furry cat collar around his cock and balls. Now how do I know it was a cat collar??? Because both my cats sported the very same collar at our Christmas festivities.

I realize that it is very difficult to actually see .. admire.. the cat collar so I cropped the picture and worked some magic for your viewing pleasure......





The small little pink thing in the middle of the cat collar is... believe it or not.... drakor's cock.. his balls are hidden from sight...... I will give him the benefit of the doubt.... and say the cold shrank them. But only slightly... as the cat collar fit perfectly and we all know how small a cat's neck is.........

Now as for whether or not he looks like a girl....... well all I will say is.. some girls do have clits about the same size as his cock.. no???



To further prove my point that the lack of family jewels might make one think drakor was actually female .......

When my girls were little they had cute little dresses with sashes. I used to take pleasure in tying the sashes in "butterfly bows" .. rather like the one drakor was wearing around his waist.........




In my opinion drakor made a cute little elf.. the emphasis of course is on the word "LITTLE"

Award???!!

It would seem that serenesub has granted me an award....... The Beautiful Blogger Award. It always kind of embarrasses me when someone gives me an award... i never actually feel like i did anything to earn it....

Though to be truthful - it was kinda nice to get it.. now. The stuff i am writing about isn't all that "beautiful" ............ honest yes....... beautiful no.

Seems to me ..... this blog is anything but beautiful these days..... it has been filled with pain and unhappiness and behind the scenes a running snotty nose and tear stained face. (don't you just hate it when you cry and then look in the mirror... and this ugly blotchy face stares back at you?? )

Even as the good days are outnumbering the bad days...... the bad days still tear at my heart. i know the stages one goes through with "endings" - be it a death or a break up......... i haven't gotten to the angry stage...... i have had moments of anger.. but they pass and i go back to the sobbing snotty nose crying stage. (mind you i am not any prettier to see when i am angry..... LOL .. i have looked in the mirror then too)

If there has been any anger.. it has been directed at myself. stuff like "how could i have been so stupid??" " why didn't i see it before??" and the best one.... "How stupid am i being........ just let go and move on"

Last night ..... though...... as i lay in my bed.....i did manage to peek at some of the good things that had happened over the 9 years....... i had had a little chat with dear swan (from the Heron Clan) earlier in the evening... and one thing led to another and memories came back. So when i was in my bed i had the warm fuzzy feelings of happy memories.

And the very best part...as i slept.... i dreamed i was being flogged.... and how damn good it felt......... and it made me feel 'hot' and 'sensuous' and maybe started a stirring inside me for things i thought were gone.

Anyway....... i really hadn't meant to ramble on ...........

i wanted to thank serenesub for the award......... and i am supposed to pass it on to other "beautiful bloggers". i hate that part..... cause i have to pick only three bloggers to receive the award.......... and how mean and cruel is that???

so i am going to cheat..........

i am going to award the "Beautiful Blogger" to swan of the Heron Clan for being a beautiful friend and staunch supporter and a really damn good listener !!! And if you haven't read her blog...... go read........ she writes from the heart too.... tells it like it is........ no sugar coating.... honest and beautiful...... that's swan and her blog!!

And i am going to award the "Beautiful Blogger" to ................... Blazin Scarlet because... joy of joy ......... she is getting married in a month !!! (even if she won't let me be a bridesmaid) she deserves the award....... she too writes from the heart.. the good and the bad...... no fairy tales (well unless you count the wedding in the Caribbean - i am SO jealous !!)

And ........ to everyone else ........... you deserve it too........... so count yourself in as well.......... you all deserve some sort of award .. for coming here each day. .reading and commenting.. and supporting......... thank you.... again.. one and all.

Introspection

i am a firm believer in cleaning out all the cobwebs before moving forward.. or even AS i move forward.

i have been asked more than a few times (either in comments or emails - i honestly can't remember) if there was nothing that could be done to patch up the relationship with W. And even when i politely pointed out that all his "stuff" was out of the house - the answer was "it can all be moved back in".

Last night a couple of friends whom i respect deeply (and am so proud to be able to call them "friend") asked me a tough question. They explained that the relationship (mine specifically) was like a V. When we were together it was the point of the V ...... very close......... and they felt i was slowly moving up the V but i hadn't moved all that far....... and they asked...... "did i want to go back down the V to the point again" (ok that was very wordy and a bit convoluted - but i hope you get the gist of the conversation)

i didn't give them a knee jerk answer...... i thought seriously about the question they had posed. Actually i kinda poked at the wound and poked again to see if what i was pretty sure i was feeling..... i actually WAS feeling. And i answered firmly "NO i do not wish to go back"

See besides that question - we talked about a whole lot of other things.... things that touched home.. things that tugged at my heart .. and made me "see" what i had been feeling more clearly. i have been stuck in a time warp of sorts. In fact i believe i have been stuck in that time warp for awhile now. i kept thinking "it was SO good at the beginning - we can get back there again". But in looking back i am questioning if what we had was really a good "fit". It most certainly filled a need i had at the time. BUT did it "fit". Slowly i am starting to realize NO it probably wasn't such a good fit...... well not as good a fit as i thought.

So with that being said, i hope i have cleared any doubt anyone had....... anyone.... that i would turn around.. slide back down the V and have all W's things moved back in.

swan said in a comment on one of these recent blog entries, that for now i am dealing with the hurt and the bad stuff, but she hoped that i would be able to come around to see the good that came out of 9 years with W.

i am sure she is right. But for now i have to clear out the bad cobwebs .. before i can really look at the positives .........

Excited..

What a difference a day makes ya know??

ok ok so it is more than a day.......... but still i am so excited............

First off.... a fellow blogger and i are working out plans to meet........ to meet face to face !!! over coffee next week.... she will be in town and i will be on summer holidays.. and coffee is calling............. i can hardly sit still...........

Second... i only work a half day today and will be leaving from work to go to Sir's for the weekend.. my bags are packed - including the lap top - and by mid afternoon i should be safely tucked away in His house.......

Thirdly......... well..... this one is a mix of emotions..
i have applied for a transfer to a new school............... a tough school (like mine isn't tough now!!)
i have been making lists.. pros and cons.. ya know what i mean...... the lists you make when you can't really make up your mind......... cause i wanna go.. but i wanna stay........ i am the girl who HATES change......... yet i applied for a big change.......... what the hell was i thinking???

i will be leaving "my kids" behind..
but i will for sure find new kids that will need my special talents......

i will be leaving behind the problem staff members who are driving me f--king nuts !!! bitch bitch bitch is all they seem to do........ and then despite what i ask.. they do what they want anyways........ i am leaving behind the blow ups and the melt downs and the back stabbing.........
but i don't know what i will be walking into....... my grandmother always used to say "better the devil you know than the one you don't" and i hear there is little programming or direction in the staff i am going to .........

it will be a 10 minute drive on city streets - so much closer to home.. even - maybe - allowing me to run home during the day for lunch and a rest...... and no more highway driving in the dead of winter before the sun rises..

BUT everything is just about ready for the new year at my school - i have done all the ordering.. the registrations are 90% completed - my staffing is done - i was getting a new lap top and a smart board.. i could do the job blind folded.. i love my new principal... i was thinking i could quite literally take the whole summer off knowing everything was ready - even 90% of my programming for next year.......
in the new place - god only knows what is ready and what isn't.. what i am walking into and what i am not walking into... i most definitely won't have a new lap top or a smart board.. i will be on my toes.. challenged .. every single minute of every single day - till i get the hang of things.. names.. kids.. rooms.. routines...
i have 5 years left till i retire.. WHO opts for a new challenge with 5 years to go.. don't most people coast to retirement??

WHAT AM I THINKING??

and worse than that... why i am worrying NOW.. i don't even know if i will be considered for the job never mind get the job !!

Anyway............ because you made your way through my angst to this point.. i think you deserve a prize.. and i did promise i would get back to posting to the "other" blogs.. so go check out the Photojournal - i have posted some summer pictures...

Friendship (revisited)

the topic is revisited......... BUT ...it isn't a summer re-run...... promise !!


Sir and i socialized with a couple from our country's great Capital. They came here.. we went there... It is hard to find someone who is closely tuned to one's own practice of the lifestyle........ but we had found it in them.

He was Dom.. old fashioned kind of Dom.. and she was a service sub.. and a bit of a masochist... They had rituals and protocols and ....... well it just kinda felt like we were not only in the same chapter of the book.. but most of the time on the same page !!

It felt comfortable (at least for me) being around them.. i never once felt embarrassed by going naked - or serving Sir first or waiting for permission to enter a room.. or sit at the table.. or use the toilet. You see.. she had the same rules to follow. We never had to explain. it just was....... and it was very nice .. "just being" when we were together.

Then there was a problem.. a scary problem.. more scary than my thinking someone had found my blog. There had been an incident at a private club.. one of the submissives had gotten hurt..... badly hurt (from all reports) and that submissive had called the police.

This couple both had major worries....... their jobs would most definitely be in jeopardy........ their reputations. They decided to fold up their tents and disappear quietly into the night.......

i remember the last email conversation i had with her before they disappeared.. as she explained to me how easy it would be.......

"ya see" she explained "most of our 'friends' are lifestyle 'friends' they won't look for us once we are gone because we have nothing in common with them other than the lifestyle"

i was shocked... i wanted to prove we would be different friends.

BUT the thing is........ she was right. Oh i kept in touch with her for a while after they disappeared.. we talked about raising kids.. and teaching kids.. and recipes and all sorts of other things...BUT the problem was..... i couldn't discuss BDSM anymore.. i couldn't whine or pout about how 'mean' Sir was anymore.. that part of the friendship had just ended.. abruptly.

Now you might be wondering what has brought this story to light ........
Well i am slowly realizing that this blog.. The Journey.. is my connection to many people... and if it was no more.. then so would those people - be no more i mean. i guess i was a little shocked to read in private emails the number of people who said they really had no interest in the rest of my life........ and being the stupid naive sub that i am .. i was surprised. Ya see.. i kinda thought these people were interested in the other parts of my life.. the sum total of who i am.. but i guess not.
So maybe it is a good thing i have another place to discuss my other life....... i never realized i might be boring folks here.. with mundane talk of kids.. hobbies.. renovations etc..

i guess for most people the high priority is what i spew forth on here... about my thoughts and opinions on BDSM.....

AND don't get me wrong...... please...... that's ok......... it is a huge part of who i am.... it's just i guess.. i had hoped that there was a wee bit more of a connection ... i was wrong..... it isn't the first time.. and my god it won't be the last .........

And i guess the important thing is....... Sir is interested in the other parts of me.. that add up to make me who i am.. with the beliefs and philosophies and loyalties


Now having said all that... my forced holiday has been extended by another few days.. Sir took me to the doctor last evening ........ as i wasn't improving not one little bit........ and it turns out i have a sinus infection and a secondary infection in my glands and lymph nodes........ soooooooooooo i am guessing this is gonna be another quiet weekend around here ......... i feel so damn useless when i am sick and unable to serve.......... even my quirky need for pain is on hiatus........... so yeah another quiet weekend - while the meds do their work.

And the award goes to............

Friendship

i have been honoured to be awarded two friendship awards........ the first one came from luna.. and then i received one from
libby......... It kinda makes my head swim...

The wording of the award is :

“These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers.”

Somehow .. i just don't feel i earned such high praise......... it is embarrassing. But i will say i humbly accept and will try to live up to the wording of the award.

The rules of the award go on to say........

"The Rules to accepting this award: “Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.”

so i must now pick 8 blogs to give this award to...... which is difficult.. not because i don't know 8 friendly blogs that speak the truth.. but that some have already been given the award. BUT ya know what?? i don't much care.. this is MY list of people that i think are friendly and worth knowing..

AND - editor's note here - these 'friends' are under NO obligation whatsoever to list 8 blogs.. i just wanted to acknowledge some blogger friends worth a look see

of course there is my
Sir........

and then there is a spanking blog .... way over there in Belgium(i hope i have that right) ..
Spankedhortic

and then there is
drakor.. a dear friend in real life ..

selkie.. who promises next time she is down our way.. she and i are gonna meet.....

dear dear swan.... who is just about the most honest lady i know..

of course this list wouldn't be complete without kaya...

CarrieAnn who writes the best rants i have EVER read.. and the best sex toy reviews too...

last but not least (and this list honestly wasn't done in any order..well except for Sir of course !!) is R a friend who used to live here in the Great White North..and who moved south of the Border......... but who still writes me long emails - keeping me on my toes !!!

And i realized - nowhere in the "disclaimer" does it say these awards can only be given to BDSM blogs........ (duhhhhh !!! blonde or senior moment - take your pick) So i am continuing my list (yeah i know i did 8 already - but hey.. i happen to love breaking rules - just ask Sir !!! AND i always have a very good excellent rationalization for the breaking of rules !! ask Sir)

So if you want to read some great blogs .. for things other than the usual BDSM fair ... and come on be honest.. all BDSM can make Jack a dull boy...... may i introduce 4 more worthy bloggers.......

Scarlet Wytch found me.. and through her finding me i found her.. and have had good fun for many months now reading her blog......

and then there is Buffalo........... crusty (sometimes scary) always amusing and thought provoking - who has an amazing ability to write - for a male that is (cheeky grin)

there is noirkat - Buffalo's every patient loving wife.. who found me my new template for Behind the Screen and the Oxford Dictionary's extinct words.....

Whitesnake....... what can i say about Whitesnake?? ya just have to read him to understand.. and no he doesn't come with a translator (he's Australian) but sometimes you might feel like you need one !!!!

If you haven't read these blogs.. go and read.. play nice .. and make some new "friends".