Hallelujah!!

 

 

I slept last night - first time in 9 days!!  The pain seems to be manageable.  I'm going to live (or so it feels!)

 

However I do not have sciatica.  Colour me shocked!  The clinic lived up to their promise to make me feel safe... when I got there are at 8AM i was ushered immediately into an examining room.  The doctor came in about 10 minutes later - did the question thingy........ then had me lie on the bed and moved my legs this way and that (DEAR GOD!  I am out of shape!)  Then he sent me for Xrays (in the same building thank god with the same stiff rules about social distancing!)  I had 8 Xrays taken - each one seemed to twist me more into a pretzel shape with little thought for the pain ........ gah!!

Then back to the doctor.  I was ushered immediately into the back - away from the semi crowded waiting room.  The doctor called me over to the computer and proceeded to show me my Xrays... saying "I didn't think it was sciatica."  In great detail showed me what the Xrays should have looked like with sciatica - and then pointed out how my skeletal structure from the waist down was listing to the left.  Which explained why the Xray technician had to keep telling me to lie straight!  and then had to reposition my legs.  He was impressed that my spine was as healthy as it was - considering my age.... geez nothing like a backhanded compliment!!

 Final Diagnosis............ my Gluteus Maximus muscle (the big one that is attached to your bum bone and spine) had spasmed and was now in a tight knot pulling my spine and lower body to the left.  Heat and pain killers would not have done a thing.  I now have a major muscle relaxant, major pain killers, and a sleeping aid. 

The worst part is I need a flow chart of what pill gets taken when and with what? One pill is 30 minutes before meals....... second pill is taken with meals... and the third one is taken empty stomach at bedtime.

I did manage to get one of each down me yesterday............ and climbed into bed 30 minutes early - I was SO tired!!  I barely remember Sir Steve kissing me good night...woke up at 5AM ... singing Hallelujah!!  groggily singing it ... with the pain slowly creeping back.  Time for more pills... and more relief.  

BUT I slept!  in our bed!  snuggled up to Sir Steve!

Today I must walk a lot ........ like A LOT!!!  and then do one exercise 4 times during the day and ice it after each exercise ........  and remember the pills.................

Doctor said it will take 14 days to feel totally healed - but that's ok....... I know I am healing........... 

Life is good when you can sing "HALLELUJAH"  

Too Old

I like to believe the above meme has always been my philosophy in raising my kids and in my teaching style.

BUT this past weekend youngest daughter made a couple of snide comments about how I was dealing with things with the lil one -- my expectations.

Then yesterday she posted this to FB.....

and I just broke... the lil cracks that have been there since the beginning just started to crack more -- to open... till I felt like everything was broken beyond fixing. 

And it isn't just about the lil one.. it's about my own girls ya know?!  I raised them old fashioned I guess... I had high expectations for them... I expected a lot of them... not perfection just their best.  

Maybe I expected too much of them.

Maybe I was a lousy mother.

Maybe I didn't do as good a job as I thought.

Maybe I should just retire to the rocking chair in the corner -- keep my mouth shut -- and watch as they all figure it out for themselves............ 

maybe.

UGH

We went to the home show today....... we were looking at new trailers.... 

Guess who blew out her knee on the trailer's steps..............

Me

colour me done like dinner.

And life goes on.......

About a year ago -- my youngest daughter announced that she and her hubbie were going to take the boys and go on a cruise this year.  It was the first real family holiday they had ever had.  I was happy for them.  (ok I wondered how they could afford it -- but that's just the mother worrying)

Then at a family function in November the other grandmother announced she couldn't wait for the cruise......... that she was going......... and that my daughter and hubbie had paid for her...... (though she did say something about paying them back a little bit at a time)

I was gob smacked.  I thought "family" holiday meant mom, dad, and the boys.  Apparently I was wrong.  and it hurt.  A lot.  The thought screamed at me "guess you're not family"

I did try to approach the subject (ok ok my method was pretty passive aggressive ) and daughter said " so come too".  Sorry there's no way I could wrap my head around finding the money for a flight/cruise and assorted expenses in under a month.  AND if I was really wanted ........ why wasn't I 'invited' a year ago?!

I thought I had handled the whole situation -- put it behind me.  Until Sunday when they left......... and posted a "family" pic at the airport....... Mom Dad 3 boys AND the other grandmother. It hurt me -- deeply.   

This week my voices have been nattering at me......... mostly stuff like I drove her away... wasn't attentive enough .... didn't do enough for her.... looking back - far back -- tough mother I was... probably not a particularly good mother.  That's why she has settled on the inlaw family as her family......... I deserve it......... (that sort of thing)  But I only have to look at my eldest daughter to know I did something right in my mothering.... something right for one of them.  

It's not a good week for me to try and be rational about this...... after 2 months I have cut back those nasty drugs again...... and my body and mind are reeling....... 

Sometimes life can be hurtful........ and that's not a good thing.



 

Devastated

and I don't have any balls.

It's been a really rough week for me - emotionally.  Sir Steve met with the lil one's mother on Monday.  It's the first time they have actually met face to face to discuss the lil one for a couple of years.  

And it was an eye opener.

When Sir Steve was telling me about the meeting..... my mind just whirled.......... the lil one has been lying to both mom and dad....... manipulating all of us.  and because no one was talking to the other one ...... she has gotten away with it for a couple of years at least.

AND she doesn't seem the least bit phased by the whole situation.... I have removed some privileges (like using my computer) and she just shrugged her shoulders and went off to play in her room.  

Believe you me -- over these last few days I have questioned how... why... I thought I could be a 'step mom'.  I feel like I have failed.  I thought I had reached her -- made an impression ya know? ........ turns out she was playing me -- I haven't touched her at all....... 

And now I feel -- I'm not sure what I feel -- hurt ... angry..... sad...... a failure. And I have no idea where I go from here............. 

 
 I hope so.....
  

Lesson Learned (I hope)

It was about a year ago -- a Friday evening -- I had arrived at Sir Steve's for the weekend and he told me a friend wanted to drop by...... she had something really important to talk to him about...... 

She came in and talked -- in that gossipy excited "I know something you don't know" way.  I listened intently.  She wanted to know after her tale what Sir Steve was gonna do... how was he gonna react.  

(side note -- this 'friend' had been friends with Sir Steve's ex-wife since they were young girls)  

When she left I was blunt (geeeeee me blunt !  go figure) and I told Sir Steve I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her.... she delighted in gossip -- and I was sure she was gonna take any gossip she picked up from him right back to the mother -- her friend.  Sir Steve assured me that she was on his side -- she had seen what the mother had done to the lil one -- she KNEW ! 

I backed off.  I told myself it was none of my business -- what did I know (really know) about these people -- about the friends that were now in Sir Steve's life 10 years after I had known him.
 (but as time went on -- and she didn't get information from me -- or finally Sir Steve -- she stopped being 'our best friend' - stopped coming by)

Fast forward to the summer up at the campgrounds to the first time I met the ex-wife's sister.  A tough dike -- a pot smoking hard drinking dike.  She couldn't wait to come over to our site -- to see if Sir Steve needed any help building his new deck - needed any help at all.  

At first my hackles were up -- WHY was his ex-sister in law showing such an interest in us -- in what we were doing -- in spending so much time with us?? BUT Sir Steve told me she was ok -- she had been his rock the summer the mother left -- she had spent night after night sitting on his campsite with him ... drinking with him.... helping him cope with the heart break.

So I backed off.

AND yes I will admit it -- after weeks of getting to know her -- I trusted her. I let my guard down and opened up to her.. though I did ask once how she could say those things about her sister and mother ..... but I trusted her.  

There were times she would take the lil one for a few hours and give Sir Steve and I some precious time alone.  She would sit by our campfire at night and smoke up and drink herself into a stupor.  

There were times that she was sexually inappropriate with me --  I shut her down... she made me feel uncomfortable. (though everyone else found my discomfort amusing)  When she wasn't doped up and/or drunk she was a really sweet person. 

AND she was so supportive of us.  She would give us information about what the mother was doing - when she was going away.  She told us she was advising them to keep us in the loop.  When the family came to remove the mother's belongings from the house (in the fall) -- she assured us she would come too -- she would get it down quickly -- she would keep her mother at bay and her sister under control.  She seemed to be the mediator we needed to deal with the family.


THEN
we went to court on Thursday.  

And we heard words twisted and lies told and we knew where they had come from.  Lies told how we couldn't wait to push the lil one off on her mother.... we didn't want her.  We couldn't handle her.

AND 
my head spun.
my stomach hurt.
my heart felt like it was torn from my chest.

IT was all my fault!  I trusted her -- I believed her.  I loved that she took the lil one from time to time and gave Sir Steve and I time alone -- I was selfish!  That selfishness had not allow me to see what was really happening............. I hadn't felt the knife being thrust into my back with each sweet smile -- with each offer of help. 

Some how this was all my fault!  I had shut down my instincts.  I had shut out the voices in my head.  I had ignored the red flags.  And this was the consequence.

Thursday after court and all day yesterday I have struggled with the betrayal.. with the lies told..... with wanting to cut out her heart and hand it back to her.  I have been angry with myself.... and I have been bleeding for Sir Steve -- for his pain -- for his having to deal with the lies that were told in court.

Things will be different this summer!  I will not trust anyone.  I will keep my thoughts to myself.  I will be a big strong walled fortress around our 'happy kingdom' ... I will keep the trolls and the gnomes out.  (even if it is a bit like closing the barn door after the cow has escaped)

I have learned my lesson -- I hope !

 

Broken and can't be fixed

Early Tuesday morning when I got up -- I did my 'poke' test.  Inside didn't feel right -- physically I was fine -- but something didn't feel 'right' -- something felt broken - and it hurt.  Deep inside me.

I have tried for so long to be strong when it comes to the mother and grandmother and all their nastiness.  I have pulled myself up after each episode -- I have slogged on after each episode -- I have continued to 'fight the good fight' (I guess) after each episode.

BUT this time it feels like something broke deep inside me -- it feels like it will never be fixed again.  

I have no say in anything that happens.  I have no control over any of this.  I am the 'outsider'. 

I honestly don't know what direction life will take now -- 
I do know I love Sir Steve with my whole being and I'm not going anywhere -- but I also know I just can't be as emotionally invested in his family -- in his problems -- in his lil one.

And that is not a good thing.

Petulant

(warning -- I'm pissy and petulant and grumpy and testy and a whole bunch of other emotions -- read at own risk)


We are living at the campgrounds right now... despite miserable summer weather -- not much heat -- less sun -- and bugs (I look like I have chicken pox despite the DEET I liberally apply)

Yesterday I had the lil one for 11 hours alone.  That in it's self didn't bug me...... I had activities to do with her ............. 

One of the activities I set up were brightly coloured pylons on the road and had her and her best friend riding their bikes through and around them.  It helps develop control and confidence and cognitive skills.

We were all laughing and having fun.  

THEN mother shows up out of her trailer -- steps into the middle of the road with her video camera -- talks to the lil one -- distracts her and the lil one turns her bike too sharp and takes a spill.

THEN mother who does NOTHING with the child when she has her -- posts the video to facebook not giving me any credit for setting this up -- for challenging HER child -- for making life fun for HER child.  She left it looking as though this was her doing!!

I am fucking tired of this type of behaviour..... any pictures I post on FB of the child -- they suck it up and post it on their walls with no credit (for the photography or the activity) given to me!!!  I have now taken to watermarking all my pics with my name!  

I didn't sleep last night I was so pissed -- so totally pissed.  I wish the thoughts in my head could come out my mouth -- but they won't -- cause I am not like that.  Oh I can think of a thousand different mean nasty things to say to this woman but I just can't do it.... NO what I do is stomp all my feelings down inside me -- and slip away from everyone and cry -- have nightmares all night long -- have knots in my stomach..... but I can't tell her to fuck off.

She decides when it is convenient for her to take the lil one -- she decides she NEEDS a fucking holiday and packs up and goes leaving the lil one with us....... with me basically -- I am not a FUCKING NANNY!!  and if I was I would damn well expect to be paid well for the work / time I spend with the lil one.
 '
I thought fuck this shit -- I'll stop entertaining/teaching the lil one -- I'll leave her to her own devices like everyone else seems to do........... 


Yeah except 

I can't do that.  This lil one didn't ask for any of this shit that is going on around her... she doesn't deserve to be penalized.

It does seem I have found another of my kids who needs me -- and I have never walked away from one of "my" kids before ..... I know I won't be able to do it now.

I am feeling petulant and nasty ......... and that is NOT a good thing!

 

Mine Mine Mine!

I have said it before -- many times I am sure -- but it seems I need to say it again,

What I write here are MY feelings,  I will not apologize for them. 

AND I most definitely will not try to explain them to anyone -- not anymore.  

I have the right to feel what I feel -- even if you don't agree with me.

I will not allow anyone to tell me that I should not feel a certain way 

I will not allow anyone to try and debate with me my feelings.

And I most definitely will not allow anyone try to make me feel guilty about what I feel - or try and coerce me into feeling something different.

The subject is now closed !!

 

Misunderstandings

What did you see in the picture above - a duck??? a rabbit?? something else?? 




Misunderstandings are a bit like the picture -- everyone sees something different - interprets words / phrases/feelings differently.   

And misunderstandings can start small -- with different interpretations for a word - flirt becomes stalker - stalker becomes predator ...... feelings that were slightly bruised can spiral totally out of control.  Then more words are said -- more feelings are hurt -- and it starts to all spiral out of control.

And usually when I think that things have blown over - cause they should have -- they haven't and they bubble up again..........and I am left feeling confused and hurt and feeling just a tad insane .... cause I don't know what anyone is talking about any more.... and I land up feeling at odds with everyone.  

Mostly - MOSTLY - I have been caught in the middle of a misunderstanding.. 
I say mostly because at the very beginning I did have an opinion - and in my usual brush it off attitude -- I kinda made a joke (ok a bad one I admit it ) but then I figured just let it go -- it's really not about YOU.  BUT it did involve two friends -- and I did get caught in the middle.  

Have I told you I don't like being in the middle -- and I most definitely do NOT like having to pick sides.  

AND I do NOT air dirty laundry in public...... EVER........ I believe in private conversation -- rational conversation -- diplomatic conversation -- cause I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  

But people's feelings did get hurt -- and yeah some of it was my doing.  People don't believe I was loyal to this party -- or that I didn't say a, b, or c to that person - I feel like people are watching every twitch I make and interpreting it to mean something much more than it means.  (I itch I twitch - sometimes it's as simple as that)

Last night was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I felt like I was being accused of saying something someone else said.  It was suggested to me that everyone have a big sit down discussion - ohhhhhh a whole lot of things were suggested.

AND I said NO
I am DONE
It's over for me

Because at some point trying to convince people that it is a rabbit when they see a duck is impossible.

And the one thing I DID realize -- I can not change anyone's opinion of me -- I am a duck I am a rabbit -- I am wrong.  BUT what I can do - I can shut the computer off... I can shut all the noise out ... I can remember my grandmother's words -- the truth will come out eventually - you may not be there to see it happen -- but the truth always wins out.

And my last word - very last word on this whole thing is............. 

Pearl of Wisdom

5 Steps.........

So - over the last 3 - 4 weeks my health has gone down hill.  There were a number of things that scared me - like my limbs being cold all the time - not chilly - but freezing cold.  Thick wool socks on my feet with warm snuggly slippers - and they were still ice blocks.  My hands so cold I could hardly type.  

I wasn't hungry - ever!  I chart my food intake and noticed it had dropped from 1200 calories a day down to 800 - 900 a day.  My body had no energy and my legs would tremble from walking to the laundry room.

Exhaustion - god the exhaustion !!  I would sleep 7 hours a night and still need a nap in the afternoon......... and I mean NEED - my eyes would get so heavy I couldn't stay awake....

Nothing major per say - but worrisome.

So yesterday i went to the doctor's with a list of ailments.   They checked everything - especially the pulse and blood pressure into my legs.  It was fine btw.

The young resident was all smiles and sunshine and rainbows.... her suggestion "eat more - your body needs energy to function".  My doctor talked about the break up - which brought tears to my eyes immediately.  I blurted out I was angry - but why was I NOW angry - life was settled for me - supposed to be good for me ............ why was I angry NOW???

He quietly and calmly pointed out that all summer had been one stressful day after another - my trying to "fix things" find a solution -- then when the solution was found and it involved moving -- then my life became frantically busy finding an apartment -- finding movers - organizing the move - and getting it all done in less than 2 weeks.  

Then there was the "busy--ness" of settling in - organising - adjusting ....... learning a new way to live (have I mentioned I have never lived in an apartment??)  

And then ......................... 

Nothing.

My mind quieted down - my body stopped running from one thing to the next.  Quiet.

And that's when it was time for me to deal with this break up.  

And the deep tearing pain

And the disappointment

And the fear

And the anger.

I have come to the conclusion there are no 5 simple steps through grief - they criss cross and mingle and when you think you are done with one - days later you find yourself back there..... how bloody frustrating!!!

I told the doctor I don't want to talk to my friends/support group about it anymore - I think ( I fear) I have talked them all to death and they are bored now of my struggles.  When I tell my girls something their reaction is all emotional - mom hurts let's fix it ....... 

And so I find myself talking to myself in the early hours of the morning - or late in the evening - talking and crying and feeling very alone and lost and not much good for anything.

Yesterday with the doctor I was back at angry - and I AM angry about a whole lot of things........... so angry I want to do harm - I want to throw things and yell and do worse. 

I like my doctor - he is calm and rationale,  (thank god cause I need calm and rationale) He is sending me for blood tests to make sure there is no physical cause for my symptoms........ and he is going to find me a 3rd party to rant with / at.  Someone who has no stake in what I say.  Someone who won't be influenced one way or another by what I say.  Someone I can bare my heart to .. lay all the pieces out on the table - examine the broken bits - and help me piece them back together.  

Someone who will help me see I am much more than what I have come to believe I am - someone worthy of love - someone who isn't useless - someone who will one day be strong and independent again............ and not afraid of the things that go bump in the dark.

I don't expect it will happen over night....... I don't expect it will be easy.  

BUT

I do expect to find my way back!

Jabber Jabber

I had posted a rather lengthy whiny post this morning ........... and when I was at the gym... when I was at the drugstore .. when I was working.. I kept thinking it really was TMI... me and my sexual hang ups... le sigh... 

Suffice it to say my inner voices have killed what little sensuality I had........ and trust me when I say I didn't have very much.  The inner voices kept repeating (like a mantra) good girls don't............ OR ... she's not very good at oral but what can you expect ... stuff like that.... 

And I posted here cause it's always been my place to just let the voices out.............. but somehow today's post just didn't cut it for me.... I just kinda thought it was too personal to put out there........... 

So.........

The Inner Voices will continue to jabber .. jabber  and hopefully one day I will learn to turn them off ............  

Get it?

Sorry

Sometimes the best apology - the most sincere apology - comes with no words..... just a tight hug.

Did you hear it?

So yeah - the old question "if a tree falls in the woods does anyone hear it?"

Which begs me to ask another unanswerable question...... If a submissive has no active dominant - is she still submissive?? 

OR

if a submissive has a strong personality can she still be submissive?

No?? then what is she?

 





 

Inside the darkness

I have been thinking a lot about this blog entry - I have tried to discuss this topic in the past - not discuss per say - just get my thoughts out there so maybe they would make some sense to me......

Cause trust me when I say - I don't get this masochism any more than the next person.  I don't think it is is something to strive for.... Truthfully if I had my choice I wouldn't be a masochist........ it's just too much hard work - for me and the person playing with me.

Let me just review what has brought me here to this point...........

New Year's Eve after a 45 minute (or so) session by 3 Doms...........

24 hours later

and 10 days later I still have pale yellow bruising....  

Those bruises you can see.  BUT the bruising inside - in my mind - you can't see...... and I think those bruises are the worst!

Let's look at how this works......... this playing with the masochist that is ME.

Step one is to get me past the pain...... and in my addled brain it is like pushing a big rock up a steep hill.......... cause the spanks, the whips, the floggers - they hurt at the beginning....... the soft gentle starts... the sensual touching and flogging feel amazing but it has to build - HAS TO - to feed the beast that is the masochist in me.

Once I am there............ teetering on the edge.............

There is no pain - just pure stimulus.  Enough stimulus and I can and do spontaneously orgasm.......... NOT earth shattering mind numbing body trembling orgasms - but still I orgasm.  AND then you know you have me where you want me... where I want me. 

The pure blinding pain grips my brain.... dragging the beast inside me out to play.  It is so primal that when I think about it after - it scares me.  The beast will (literally) wiggle my ass at the Doms - will taunt them for more and more.  The beast takes control of my body and mind.  

And the rock teeters on the edge...... 

And the pain consumes me......

And then it ends.  Someone pushes that rock over the edge and sends it screaming down............I go from intense pain to nothing.  

P L U N K

hit rock bottom and spin there...........

and spin

and spin

Sometimes for days.

My brain is trying to process the pain that is still happening...... both in my mind and in my body.  

Gone are the soft sensual touches from the beginning........ gone ......... nothing left but intense dark pain.



I have been wondering if - instead of pushing me over the edge by an abrupt end ....... if perhaps there was more of the sensual pain again.. the soft gentle teasing ...... if perhaps there were whispers in my ear - centering my brain - making me focus in the NOW..... if afterwards - some time later - when I can tolerate - when I need - I wonder if I was wrapped up in loving gentle arms........... I wonder if my body was given a massive earth shattering - body trembling orgasm - to release the pent up emotions - pent up confusion........ if I was made to feel loveable again.......... if it would help with the endorphin withdrawal..... with the residue anger the beast has left........... 


Because I do NOT feel loveable after.......... and that makes me cry.  And I vow never again..... EVER.

Until the need comes ........ and the body is screaming for it............ and once more the rock is pushed up the hill ..............

Sugar and Spice

This morning I took one of those silly quizzes that keep making the rounds on Facebook.

The question was "What's Your biggest Weakness?"  turns out mine is "too sweet".  I made a joke about it........ but it keep rolling over in my head.  Of all the stupid quizzes I have taken - this was the one that had an element of truth in it...

I AM too sweet.  I rarely if ever speak my mind.... smooth ruffled feathers that's what I do.. don't rock the boat... keep things calm at all costs....and should I ever dare to voice an opinion - god forbid - then back pedal - apologise - back off!

I guess - stupidly - I thought when I retired I would be able to escape a world where conflict and fights and bad behaviour are common daily occurrences.  Unfortunately I am fast discovering - other than becoming an absolute hermit - I can not avoid the tempests.

When I saw my doctor a week ago - I gave him a list of complaints I had.... health issues I thought.  Turns out they aren't exactly health issues.  It's stress caused issues. 

I have lived my life too long with those rose coloured glasses Buffalo used to tease me about.  It's time to take them off I guess.. to stop trying to be the "good little girl"  full of sugar and spice and all things nice.  

It's time to learn how to grow a tougher skin - to become the tough old bird I try to pretend to be......  Time to find my way in a world that strikes out and hurts - more often than it nurtures and loves..............or tries to understand.

Two Faced Princess

In my world (and oh lordie how often do I discuss "my world"??!!)  People say what they mean and mean what they say.  Everyone can be trusted.  People do not deliberately hurt other people.

Yeah that's in my world of fairies and unicorns and perpetual sunshine.

In the real world that belief isn't even close.

When I moved here - I spent a lot of time sitting on the sidelines watching people - getting to know who was who and what was what.  Oh lordie there were a whole mess of people who wanted to fill me in on folks - who I could trust - who I couldn't/shouldn't - that sort of thing.  BUT I wanted to find out by myself.

The only thing is - there was one name that came up over and over and over.  Didn't matter who I talked to - their opinion was always the same.  This one - she wanted what she wanted and don't get in her way.

BUT she always seemed quite pleasant to me.  She even invited W and I to her house for a dinner party.  She supports the sub group I run and almost never misses a meeting.      But I have to admit - there was just something - under the surface that made my red flags flap - and the warning bells go off....like maybe how she tried to get an invitation to our collaring ceremony - and how she seemed to sulk when she wasn't invited.

She is a bottom and plays with a married Top. (and it's all above board cause the wife knows)  This married Top had other bottoms.  Slowly in just the few months I have been here all the other bottoms have disappeared.  Now he only plays with this particular bottom. 

Oh I have heard his explanations and they all make sense - timing - and attitude - like I  said his reasons all made sense.

BUT I kept hearing how this bottom made sure the Top didn't get too involved with anyone else.   To the point that the wife now won't be in the same house as this bottom.... leaves them to their own devices and comes home only when she is gone.  (and yes I have a very strong opinion on that - and have diplomatically told the wife my opinion) 

Once a month W and I go to a meeting of rope enthusiasts.  It is organised and run by this Top.  The bottom is always there.  She pretty much runs the show.  And yes it has been grating on my nerves..................but I controlled my irritation by reminding myself this is not a D/s relationship - only a Rope Top and rope bottom.  "bite your tongue"

Only thing is............... she has been making quips against W both on line and in person.  This has been her MO - to belittle and gossip and whisper behind people's backs.  It has been irritating me.............. and building - like a pressure cooker.  And you all know what happens when the pressure cooker has too much pressure built up inside.............

Last Friday night W and I went to this rope meeting.  She was in rare form.  She started making snide comments directed at W almost immediately.  I kept watching W.  My blood pressure was mounting.  He seemed to be shrugging the comments off.  

But then she said something - honestly I don't even remember what it was - and the smoke started to spill out of my ears.  I said - through gritted teeth - that I was going out for a smoke.  Another subbie came with me.  She hugged me almost as soon as we were outside.  She had heard the snarky comments - she had pretty much the same reaction as I had. 

I managed to limp through the evening.  But since Friday evening I have wondered about my attendance at further meetings.  NO ONE stands up to this bitch .....(and her TOP - bloody deaf and blind if you ask me!!) ........ I wonder if it would be unseemly for me to defend my Sir.... well actually would it be unseemly for me to rip this bitch a new one period???  I have had just about all I can take from her...............



Some days ........... I just want to cast a magic spell around our little home - lock the door and disappear from all the ugliness that lies just outside.

The Junkie

It took me 3 days to fully process Saturday's beating.  Three days !!  And the worst part - I wasn't really sure what was going on.............. yeah ME who has been doing this for years couldn't figure it out.... stupid eh???

On Sunday I just wanted to curl up in a tight little ball and not move - not talk - not face the world...my body hurt - every square inch of it hurt... my muscles my bones - hell even my hair hurt.  But it was all deep inside of me - way down deep - where I pushed all those emotions on Saturday.  There wasn't a visible mark on my body that I could point to and say "see that's why it hurts" ... so who would listen ?? who would understand???

Tuesday - well Tuesday was just weird.  We were up before the sun to go downtown and see this taping of the morning news show.  It was dark and I have always hated the dark!!  Evil lurks in the darkness.  I was weaving around people I didn't know - strangers - and I am not particularly fussy on strangers on a good day.  And Tuesday was not a good day !!  There were dark menacing shadows playing in my head.  

I left the crowds and the noise and I walked down to the water's edge.. found a bench and sat looking out to the horizon waiting for the sun to come up...... waiting for some brightness to touch me deep inside - to take away the "bad" feelings that were boiling up ............... feelings I really couldn't describe

And when we finally got home - I felt a deep sadness - which didn't make a whole lot of sense cause we had had fun!!!  going to see the taping was something I really wanted to do !!!  but I couldn't deny it - there it was - that deep sadness that tears my heart in pieces from time to time.

When I went to bed on Tuesday night - I lay very still in bed - in the darkness.  I barely breathed.  I lay still and stiller and stillest.  I quieted my mind.   

And then I thought - I realized - this was just like all those other times when I suffered from sub drop................. but I had been alone all those other times - to face the demons that are sub drop alone.  This time I had W - and I never told him.  I didn't know what I had so how could I have told him???? 

And now it is 5 whole days since the beating and I can feel the cravings starting again.. the need.  My monster.   And just like any junkie I will start the cycle that leads me back to some apparatus on the receiving end of pain............ and I will fly ............ because I am like that...... I have a need - a craving.  I am a junkie.