Not much new

Well I kinda think I have filled this blog with all sorts of angst and good news and news and blah blah words rather regularly these past 8 weeks or so.

And I think I am slowing down.

My "dance card" is rather full these days so hopefully I will have lots of chatty news coming up soon.

For now I will bring you up to date on the more mundane things in my life....

The doctor's appointment went well on Wednesday - most of the viral infection of the " I wanna die" sort is gone. I am still suffering from sleepiness - honestly I was starting to think I had mono - but apparently not. I will be home for another week - maybe two - I see the doctor again next week. But she cleared me to socialize and party .. ok she didn't exactly say that.. but she did say I could return to normal activities......... just make sure I nap when I need to ...... (that is not a hard prescription to follow!!) so I will nap.. and I will party and I will get my house cleaned and the laundry done and the groceries bought......... YAY me!

My baby daughter turned 30 yesterday - guess she isn't my "baby" daughter anymore. I have to wonder where those 30 years are gone?? (and try very hard NOT to think how old that makes me!!) The family celebrations are this weekend - and because I have been under the weather - eldest daughter stepped up to the plate and is hosting the celebration. YAY eldest daughter !!

I have been out three times this week for coffee with some BDSM friends. It is really nice to start getting back into the swing of things. Lots of new discussions happening.. lots of challenges to think about .. lots of new ways of thinking/acting/seeing things to mull over in my addled brain......... but a whole new world IS indeed opening up and it is fun and exciting.

There is a HUGE event I am going to this weekend. And the chap who did my clit piercing will be performing - I am looking forward to seeing his show. I am sure it will be something to push the limits of my mind. (He is really into some kinky stuff !!)

Tonight I am going out for dinner with friends. And I really need to get the house spruced up so I can invite them back for coffee. I love entertaining and it looks as though there will be more and more opportunities to do that

The sun is shining ...... the weatherman is promising some nice spring weather...
God's in His heaven and all's right with the world.

New Me

Yes that is me... a butterfly emerging from it's cocoon......... spreading it's wings .. ready for the great adventures that lie ahead.

To celebrate this "transformation" this freedom from my cocoon...... i have changed the name of the blog again......... geeeez...... originally it was "The Journey" - no going back to that.........

then it was "The Healing Journey" - and i am moving on from that............

and now it is "The Adventurous Journey"

The words of a song by Helen Reddy keep rolling through my mind:

"And I know too much to go back and pretend.
'cause I heard it all before
And I have been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again............

Yes I am wise -
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes I've paid the price
But look how much I've gained
If I have to
I can do anything !!!"

So I am off on a new journey.........
Wanna come along ??
You are most welcome to join me on this leg of the journey...........

Adventure

There are a whole lot of "labels" in the BDSM world - i am sure i don't have to tell you.......... from slave to submissive to Sir to Master to Dominant to bottom to Top to switch and on and on it goes.

There is also ........in my humble opinion......... a certain amount of snobbishness and clique-ness that goes with each of those labels.

In my world the submissive was always lower on the food chain than the slave. The Top lower than the Master/Sir. And the poor switch - well no one could ever quite figure out where to stick them... but boy oh boy they sure did treat them with a considerable amount of disdain.

During this time of transition for me (from collared to free) i have maintained my status of submissive. i have wrestled with the question of "can i be submissive without having a Dominant in my life" and had no problem at all answering YES. You see i am submissive in my heart. i can't be anything else but that. Submissive is my nature.

i have struggled with the thought that i was doomed to a solitary life until such time as i found a new Dominant / Lord and Master to rule my world. If you read yesterday's post of advise that i have been given over these last many weeks, you would have noticed more than one mention of "adventure".

Now yes i am fully aware you can have all sorts of adventures with a Dominant in your life.......... but boy oh boy the adventures that open up to you when you don't have one is boggling my mind.

Last week i started to roll the term "bottom" around in my head. It didn't taste too badly .......... no bolt of lightening came out of the sky and struck me dead. On Saturday evening driving home from the party with my "party buddy" we were discussing my "situation" and he was listing off the advantages to being a "bottom"........ he was teasing me about being a slut - NO NO not that sort of slut!!! - but a pain slut. He was pointing out the advantages of playing with different people and getting my fix for endorphins and discovering the many different styles and methods out there that i have been more or less isolated from. (did you all follow that run on sentence??!!)

The last couple of days i have been thinking long and hard about this "bottom" idea. It was a whisper of a thought.......

Then my "play buddy" contacted me and we talked .. i know he was feeling me out. The Domme that had played with him on the weekend comes complete with a HusbandDom.......... who at this point in time does not seem to have any one bottom to play with publicly

It was suggested we might all go out for dinner on Friday evening and get to know one another better. Seemed like a plan to me.

Well as plans go ....... it got changed. Instead of dinner on Friday (or maybe i should say "as well as dinner on Friday") we went out for coffee yesterday. We four talked and talked and talked - for hours.

The three of them spent a good bit of time explaining to me how this could work.. and i slowly came to the realization that being a "bottom" can have some major advantages.

First - i get to go to play parties with a fairly good chance i am gonna get to play.

Second - i will have a "chaperon" so to speak during these parties.

Third - there are no expectations of anything other than a fun social time - my life is my life.

The term "leather family" keeps rolling around in my head....... but that might not be the right term. (can you guess i LOVE labels and terms??!!)

But for now............... whatever the label or the term........ i think i may have found the answer to my dilemma .......... i am gonna be a " bottom" for the next little while.... taste the forbidden fruits that have always dangled just out of reach....... and enjoy myself.

Hell i am gonna have an adventure !!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

ummmmmmmm - does this mean the title of the blog changes again..
from "Healing Journey" to the Adventurous Journey??

Advise column

Ok now before everyone starts jumping to conclusions..

NO i am not starting an advise column....

BUT i am going to share with you all some of the wonderful advise i have received via emais...phone calls.. coffee visits... and comments on here..

because dear friends i have received a lot of really good advise !!! (and because i think it will do me good to have it all laid it in front of me.. sort of a list of "remembers")

1) there is a whole lot of pressure from the internet - from others in the lifestyle - to be something you are not.. stay true to yourself.

2) labels aren't really important. AND people will be here to read no matter the label you use :)

3) Celebrate the love and friendship that surrounds you and the rest will take care of itself

4) over and over and over again i heard "you will survive"

5) go forward with joy and look back with gratitude

6) in order to be really happy we cannot lose sight of who we are and what we need

7) enjoy the (email) exchanges that are enjoyable and let the cards fall where they will

8) why not enjoy your freedom for a bit .... Adventure time

9) following the path alone leads to the best adventures

10) submission is a reality when you encounter Dominant love that stimulates that

11) Go confidently in the directions of your dreams Live the life you've imagined
It really is a way of life not just an interesting Thoseau quote.

12) I have a size 12 boot that will go up your ass if you deviate from the path

13) It takes approximately one month for every year of a relationship to heal

14) Take time to have fun... don't rush.... you can be a bottom for now.. a pain slut.. find the adventure !!!

None of those words are mine.. they are YOURS.. and they have helped me find my strength .. my sense of adventure (in the midst of pure panic) and i am making every effort to hang on tight for this new adventure..

i AM going forth with as much confidence as i can muster right now.. and i am going to fill my life with adventure and hope that one day i will be living the life i imagine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just a little health update -

i am still home with the "i want to die" virus. Though the "i want to die" feelings are fading fast. i see the doctor on Wednesday and am hoping against hope she will give me a clean bill of health and send me back to work. Though to be truthful i haven't given work much thought over these last 3 weeks (yes i have been house bound for 3 weeks!!!) which just goes to show me how sick i was!!

But today i am feeling bored - good sign - and the thought of cleaning the house actually sounds like fun !!! definitely time to go back to work !!

Protocols

One of the things that i always maintained......... prided myself on.. was that there was no role playing... no games .. it was .. i guess in my stupid opinion... "real" BDSM.

Only thing was towards the end - i really started to question a lot of the protocols/rules that i lived by. Some made perfect sense - like texting to say i was home safe and sound.. nothing wrong with that.

But others .. like asking permission to enter or leave a room.. asking permission to pee.. supposedly being naked all the time ... all those rules/protocols started to feel unnatural and awkward.. and truth be told.. plain silly.

One of the things i missed the most over these last few years is open discussion with other "kinksters" about the lifestyle.. about their thoughts on various subjects.

i realized just how much i missed it on Saturday evening... when i sat with Doms and subs alike and got into a thought provoking interesting conversation about protocols and rules.

i was shocked - yes shocked - when i heard a Dominant who had always been a huge supporter of very strict rules and protocols saying that they didn't hold as much importance in his life anymore. His thoughts were that when one comes into the lifestyle - one is frantic to find something concrete.... something to hang their hat on (so to speak) They want to fit in.. they want to know how to DO this for real.

But he said that as the years wore on.. he realized that a lot of what he was doing wasn't important to him. He felt no one should be judged by how well they follow some obscure rule / protocol that had little or no bearing on the here and now.

Another Dominant spoke of following rules/protocols when playing publicly that that made sense to her as she was in a public space and life could/would become very chaotic if there were no general rules to follow in a group. But as for in private?? not the same need.

It all got me thinking........ (which is what is supposed to happen when one has interesting/challenging conversations - no??)

When i started out on this journey - way back when - the only thing i knew i wanted was pain.... and yes .. i'll admit it.. sex after the pain. i didn't much care what people called me.. i have many hats i wear from - mother to teacher to friend to granny to sister - well you get the picture. So if there was one more hat to put on.. one called submissive .. and if that hat got me the pain and pleasure i was seeking fine and dandy. If there were rules/protocols to follow to earn that hat.. then bring 'em on....... i was ready!

But like i said above.. some of those rules/protocols stopped making sense. And if i examine when they stopped making sense... it was about the time i realized i was very comfortable wearing the hat submissive - and i didn't need to DO anything more to be that persona. It all started to feel awkward and unnecessary. Take for example the no clothes rule.......... when it is - 40 degrees it is damn cold to be running around naked. AND ..in any season .... it is a lot of work. There is no way some naked ass - even my own - is gonna sit on the furniture - so it involved towels everywhere i went. It also meant that once - and i am embarrassed to admit it - once i flashed some poor unsuspecting pizza delivery guy as i reached up to turn off the alarm. (i had only a tshirt on) That broke every rule i believed in.. about not involving unsuspecting vanillas.

Driving home with my sub buddy - we talked about the alternatives to being a slave to a host of rules and protocols. We talked about the alternative to living it 24/7. We took the long way home so we had more time to talk and talk and talk.

It all helped me to see (duh!!) that there are many different avenues to come to the same place........ BDSM. And perhaps a whole slew of rules/protocols are no longer necessary for me (and i emphasis the *ME* here) to feel i "belong"

This isn't a secret club anymore. There are no secret passwords anymore. No secret handshakes or hankie codes. The "Old Guard" is dead and we are the "New Guard". We should be encouraging the young ones - the newbies no matter their age - to grasp this thing called BDSM and hang on for the ride (cause it is a wild one) but to mold it to fit their needs, their desires, their dreams. Not some out dated belief system that has - for all intense of purpose - gone the way of the dodo bird.

And that is my story and i am sticking to it !

Support

i learned a very important lesson this weekend.........

Remember i said that i had been told that "they" would be banging down my door?? i learned this weekend that "they" don't have to be prospective Masters no no not at all.... "They" could be and are good friends who have been waiting in the wings for me to surface again..........

Let me tell you what happened....

On Friday late afternoon i had an email from a long lost - but not forgotten friend - who told me about an event going on in the BDSM community that evening. She tried to convince me to come out with them... she even had two someones willing to come and pick me up and take me..

i waffled .. yes..no.. maybe. yes .. NO... and the reason .. (typically female reason) i have nothing to wear .. and no time to get ready. So i didn't go.

BUT... one of the lifts she had organised was an old "party buddy".. a male sub i have known for years - we would go to parties or munches together.... supporting each other... and we always had such good times knowing we had each other's back to speak.

Well this buddy called me on Friday and tried his damndest to get me to go... but i said "no" .. i did promise that i would go to the next event with him.

Little did i know the "next event" would be Saturday night. AND this time it was no short notice. My buddy called me mid afternoon.. told me about the party and said "break out the fet wear kid and let's go" i didn't think about it.. i just said YES.. let's do this..

i primped and preened .. and oh my god.. did all the girly things like trying on every bit of fet clothing i have and discarding them on the bed.. the floor... mixing and matching.. trying to find something that would be appropriate.. and something that would make me feel pretty.

By supper time i had to fight with myself.. i wanted to pick up the phone and say "no i can't go"... panic city ... but i didn't.. i strengthened my spine (which kept turning to jelly) showered and did my hair and put on makeup and got dressed.,

The final choice of outfit........... a long black flowing skirt and a red and black corset on top.

We arrived at the party and i was blown away by the welcome i received from all my old friends... and i even met some new friends.. fun folks who made me laugh and who stroked my ego .....

i had a great time visiting .. getting hugs ... and ... watching... yes watching.. voyerism.. wow !! my party buddy had a wonderful session under the amazing hands of this cute .. ok more than cute.. drop dead gorgeous Domme.

The evening ended with promises of more events... and maybe a spanking or two lined up for me.....

The most amazing thing........ the most supportive healing thing .. friendship.....

Rant

i'm a little pissed today .......so if you are looking for sunshine and lollipops go read something else..







i was told to get my ass out there.. advertise.. socialize.. and by some who know me.. that "they" were gonna knock down my door.

Now i am a realist - i don't expect anyone to be banging down my door... i also expect to "kiss a whole mess of frogs" before i find my "Master"...

i was swamped with replies to my ads... honestly way too many .. but i have my own method of separating the wheat from the chaff...

First - if they couldn't put an intelligent sentence together - they were chaff.

If they sent me pictures of wiggly jiggly bits with their first email - they were chaff.

If they pulled the "I am Lord and Master " attitude - ordering me to do this or that - they were chaff.

BUT you know what really gets to me??!!! The one or two that made it through the sorting process...

emails going well .. sounding really promising.. pictures exchanged and they didn't run screaming..... more emails.. lots of thought/provoking conversations via email......

THEN........

nothing.. not a " by your leave" ..or "I am sorry I changed my mind".. nothing .. nada..

How rude is that???!!!

and being me.. i wonder what *i* did wrong - read and re-read my emails.. questioned and second guessed myself...

Now know what?? i think i will stay nice and safe in my lil house and let "them" come bang down my door..

i am just too old for this shit !!



(putting my soap box away )

i am submissive - the quiz says so!!!

In case you haven't figured it out by now.. i love to take quizzes... and being that i am home with the "i wanna die" virus........i have a whole lot of time on my hands.. so of course i took the latest (well lastest for me ) quiz on what are you Dom or Sub or Switch or Vanilla.

The results aren't that surprising... BUT..... one or two surprised me... i'll let you read the results and will meet you at the bottom with what surprised me.




It feels good to serve. A lack of control in the bedroom can be fun and relaxing. Being with a dominant person wouldn't be a bad idea.

Experimental

89%

Submissive

89%

Masochist

82%

Bondage

75%

Degradation Lover

68%

Exhibitionist / Voyeur

32%

Switch

29%

Vanilla

21%

Sadist

18%

Dominant

4%

Ok - it was no surprise whatsoever that i am 89% submissive.... and i guess - when i think about it - not that surprising that i am 89% experimental - i do want to try everything !!! (well nearly everything!!) and 82% masochist ... if anything i would have thought that would have been a bit higher...

BUT......... 68% degradation lover - isn't that the same thing as humiliation?? oh my god.......... no way no how !!!! i will hand you your head if you try humiliating me... unless of course they got into my deepest darkest thoughts.... the ones where i love to hear whispered words in the bedroom.. when i am at my most vulnerable... where no one else can hear...... ok ok.. maybe i will concede some like.. LIKE i said .. of humiliation/degradation - but LOVE?? !! no way no how!!

32% exhibitionist/voyeur...... ummmmmmmmm... ok the truth is out.. there are times i like to watch other folks.. and ok ok.. sometimes (maybe all the time) i love to have people watching when i am being beat........ sigh.. ok i will give them the 32% on exhibitionism and voyeurism.

i am going to excuse the 29% switch by saying that is based on my job... yup.. (nodding furiously) it is based on my job....... not on my desire to swing a flogger!

18% sadist?? maybe cause i love to watch someone else be beaten??? even sometimes encouraging some beatings?? or is it the perverse pleasure i get in being the "boss" at work??

Anyway........... i am most definitely submissive.......... with a side of masochist, bondage and all things experimental......... just in case you had any doubts.

"I love it when a plan comes together"

Ya know... when things are tough..... friends are very precious. Some friends go the extra mile....

i am very lucky that i have found such friends in The Heron Clan.

Back in March Raheretic suggested that i pack up my bags and come down and visit them. Unfortunately i was working (that was before the "i wanna die" virus")
It was suggested i could come in the summer.

And there it sat for awhile. But that whisper of a hope/plan got me through some pretty miserable days. When things would just hurt so much - i would take out the "visit plan" and hold on tight.

We moved from emails to actual chatting (thank god for the miracles of all things internet) .... one evening Raheretic brought up the possibility of a trip to the Ann Arbor Art Festival - my excitment grew

Yesterday - or maybe the day before - i heard from The Heron Clan. Plans were coming together - when was i coming (dates) .. a flurry of emails later and it was all settled.

Swan posted about it yesterday on her "We are in Go Mode" post. Another flurry of emails between The Clan (as i am coming to think of them) and myself..

AND.........

it's official......

In July i am going to visit The Heron Clan!!!!

Up and running - in more ways than one!

Well it would appear - while i was out this morning - my internet provider managed to get things up and running again. i am such a "good girl" i felt guilty about "stealing" from my neighbours. (obviously not that bad........ but still a little bad)

So......... now... the topic of the day................

how about Sex???

ok.. i am being cheeky i know.. but i WAS thinking this morning how sexual i am feeling these days. For awhile there i thought i had lost any and all interest in sex.... or playing..

But even during this mystery bug i have been feeling the stirrings....... the need.. the desire..

Can you see me doing the "happy dance"?? Cause i am!!

The other night i decided to have a real good session.. all by my lonesome.. no permission needed..


i took out the dildo (not my favourite) and my hitachi complete with attachments and some lubricant.

i drizzled the lubricant gently over my pussy, shivering a little bit from the cold of it.

i closed my eyes and just started massaging...... yes massaging.. not sexual in nature... just rubbing and pinching my pink bits .... enjoying the feelings... relaxing .. feeling the tension leaving my body.

i worked from the outside in.. i didn't keep one eye on the clock.. i didn't even reach for the vibrator the minute i .. ummm.. got into the massaging technique. i just kept up massaging.. moving from the outside lips to the inside lips and back out again... every once in a while i would massage (not play with but massage) my clit.

It was so damn relaxing.. no pressure.. no time limit.. just enjoyment.

Finally i lubed up the dildo.. it has been like forever since i used the dildo... and i wasn't entirely sure how well my body would respond. After all it doesn't vibrate or rotate or jiggle or turn.. it just IS.

i used it to massage inside ... i moved in and out slowly.. enjoying feeling the ribs and texture it has... i was not hurrying towards orgasm..i was just enjoying the moment (so to speak).

i would slide it out slowly using my other hand to cup it.. and i was shocked to find my own juices flowing freely with it. They would drip down into my cupped hand.

i have no idea how long i kept up this massaging.. sometimes leaving the dildo inside me.. and using my hands to massage my lips and clit....

The first big difference i noticed was how swollen everything became.... i kept touching because - honestly - i couldn't believe it was my pussy!! It felt velvety soft. And then i noticed how flushed my entire body had become.. i was a nice rosy pink.

Finally i decided that the dildo was not going to cut it anymore.. i wanted/needed/craved the vibrations of my hitachi. So i plugged in the hitachi - i was not going to run out of battery power at a vital moment - and laid back and soaked in the intense feelings.

If i had any doubts about my ability to please myself.. they didn't last long .. as when i did cum this time.. it was no tiny blip on the orgasm scale.. it was a magnificent squirting drenching body shaking orgasm!!

oh yay baby !! everything is up and running just fine ........ thank you very much !!

(And i still have two weeks at home to experiment more with the art of sexual massage !!)

Temporary disruption

Just in case anyone is wondering where i am..

my internet provider is down.. god only knows for how long...

currently i am "stealing" internet from one of my neighbour's...

Hang in with me.. i'll be back as soon as i finish yelling at MY isp.

The List

In the past i have had my own unique way of handling "endings"... be they relationship endings or endings by death... any form of ending actually......... i just threw everything out.. got rid of.. refused to keep... refused to take... i wanted nothing.. i think most of the time i believed i wasn't worthy of having............ and perhaps the pain of the endings made me want to run as far away from the pain as i could............ and having "things" would just slow me down.

Once after a particularly bad ending.......... with no where to run... and fear eating me up inside and out...... i went to see "someone" . Isn't that the politically correct term for therapist - "someone". I think it took two sessions .. yeah all of two sessions ... for her to look me in the eye and ask "Why do you keep repeating the same mistakes?"

That made me think....... hard.

i didn't want to make the same mistakes.........and the worst mistake was not wanting to be alone.. not wanting to take time to feel the pain.. to experience the pain.. to touch it and feel it and taste it and breath it.......... to own it.

This time i took the time......... To unravel the bits and pieces.. study them.. and put them back together in some semblance of order.......... normalcy ........ and tuck them away...... not throw them out.. not run as far or as fast as i could. Sit still ... feel the pain.. heal the pain.....own the pain.







Its' done now.

Now i need a list.......... a shopping list of sorts........ a 'post-it note' on the door to my heart.

1) What i need............

2) What i want............

3) What i seek..........

4) What i deserve..........

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i need quiet stability. i need challenge. i need quiet strength. i need control. i need confidence in myself, in himself. i need dependence in the midst of independence. And i need truth in all things.

i want a man whose sadistic needs meet my masochistic needs. Our needs must come together and fit together like puzzle pieces. i want him to want dependence in the midst of independence. It shouldn't be work - it should be natural and wonderful and joyful.

i seek someone in control of his world, standing tall, nothing to prove.. confident in his ability to love and be loved. Someone who knows what he wants and will work to get it.

This bit is for all who have pushed me to ask the question.............
i deserve to be loved for who i am - not who i might become. i deserve to be challenged. i deserve to be validated and appreciated and loved.

i deserve the best.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A shopping list of sorts.. a start.. a beginning.....

Special Family Day

Yesterday was a special day for our family.

My youngest/newest grandson was christened. i had been a bit stressed all week that i wouldn't be having a "good" day on Sunday........ but i shouldn't have worried. It was a reasonably good day.

Eldest daughter (and godmother) and her husband (godfather) came and got me right on time and took me to the church.


And "the devil was chased out of " our newest addition (that was always my grandmother's belief........ that every baby was born with a little bit of the devil in them and that at the baptism - especially if the baby cried - the devil was chased out. )


IF anyone is interested....... the christening dress (which has been worn by my two older grandsons) was originally my wedding dress. Youngest daughter cut it down and turned it into a family heirloom christening dress. When i think that dress is now almost 40 years old!!!! (GOD!!! i am old!!)


i even managed to stick it out through most of the reception - but finally i was done.. done as dinner... and home i came to my quiet lil sanctuary.


All in all it was a good day.... though today i am paying the price... 5 weeks of this bug is starting to wear on my nerves i can tell you !!! As of today i have officially had this bug for two weeks - only two weeks !! 3 more to go.. then 2 weeks of recuperation........... i guess i was really hoping the doctor would be wrong with her diagnosis and i would be up and running this week.

But yesterday - taking pictures - showed me i am far from on the mend. A goodly number of my pictures were blurry......... mostly because everything i look at these days IS blurry......... and mostly because just the weight of the camera in my hands caused my arms to shake.

But i don't want to complain........ things could be much worse...... like i could be off sick with no pay........ like i could be in hospital........ like there could be no 5 - 7 week time line.............. so things could be much worse indeed !!

Yesterday helped me to see that life is precious....... and i plan on enjoying every second of it !!!

The good submissive

i think the internet plays way too big a part in our definition of "the good submissive" ( yeah yeah i can hear most of you going "DUH"!!)

But seriously folks - which one of us hasn't at one time or another read a blog and thought "so that's what a good submissive is/does"???

As you can probably guess - i have been doing a lot of thinking about how good or not good i was a submissive. One of the problems with that is that you can land yourself on a merry-go-round ........ it was all my fault.. it was all his fault.... it was all my fault.. and round and round ya go.

i have had more than one "Master" .. trust me you don't get to be my age - and been in love with this lifestyle for as long as i have without trying out a few "Masters".

And they each taught me something different..from my first, Lula.. all the ones in between, to my last, W.. and each taught me and shared with me and gave me the gift of their Dominance .. things i will cherish till the day i die.

But this journey i have been on............. when i stop and really look at it......... has been a learning experience. i have tried this kink... tried that kink... i have had my world expanded and opened and have been given much to weigh and value and see if it "fits" me.

And along this journey, i have met others with different view points and different ways of doing things.. and they have planted seeds in my head. Helped me to see that there are many different ways of doing this "kink" .. ways i had never before even imagined.. never mind tried. (and i hang my head - because with some of those different "ways" i tended to respond with knee jerk reactions like "i could never ever do THAT")

And yet here i sit on a sunny Sunday morning thinking - if i had said "never ever" over the last 20+ years i wouldn't be where i am today. And that wouldn't be a good thing. i like where i am today...... i am thankful for where i am today.... and i am almost ready to move to the next stage .. the next leg of this journey ..where ever it may take me

Have i found the secret formula for the "good submissive"?? Hell no .......... but i like to think i am close.

First off there is no secret formula - trust me on this one .. there isn't. And there most certainly is no "one way fits all "........... forget all the Old Guard stuff... if i remember rightly i heard someone say once upon a time.. who IS the Old Guard ??? aren't we now the "Old Guard" for the new ones?? And why stay stuck in the past.. time moves on.. and so should we........ let's not stay mired in the old days....... in the way things were.. remember how frustrated you were when your parents or grandparents would say "when i was young...................." It is time to remember the past, honour the past and let go of it........ move forward .. find new ways.. better ways.. exciting joyful ways to celebrate our submissiveness and our uniqueness.

Each coming together will produce a relationship of it's own.... with it's own needs and wants and desires...

Each coming together will produce ways of doing things that we can learn from

Each coming together will bring us closer to the "right fit" .. maybe a cinderella story - where the prince comes with the shoe.. and magically "it fits !!" even if it is the least expected coupling ever.. the shoe will fit

If we try ...... as hard as we can..... to find the right fit.......... to be joyful in the fitting.. to cherish each day / each moment we have together.... to celebrate the fun and the good times of each coming together........ And if the time comes when we must move on to find our way in this world ........ what better way of exemplifying a good submissive than by singing the praises of all we have learned.. and how we have grown....

And though we may bend in the moving on.. we will not break.. for we are made of strong stuff...... yes we are..we are SUBMISSIVE and that makes us strong stuff indeed !!

Good day / Bad day

Yesterday was a good day / bad day sort of day.

First off the sore throat and massive headache was back - which meant i kept forgetting things....... and i had the sweats and chills back .... and just felt totally like crap.

i decided to have a real good "feel sorry for myself pity party" around 8 p.m. last night when i finally remembered it was Friday and everyone (yeah everyone - of course everyone !!) was out partying having fun and i was stuck at home. It didn't matter i would have been stuck at home ANYWAY .. cause i am not allowed to drive with this damn bug... no that didn't count. EVERYONE was out having fun and poor lil me was stuck at home.

BUT this morning looking back on yesterday...... i realize it was a) just what the doctor said would happen - i would have A good day.. and then a mess of bad days... b) i had managed to bring the vacuum downstairs and i managed to vacuum the rug in the living room (ok that's not a massive huge job - but i did manage to get it done !!) and the real BIGGY - C) i had finally heard - after many weeks of nail biting and pleading and begging with the powers that be - that YES my lil private school out on the Island would be a GO again for next year !!! so YAY !!! it was a good day too.

Today - maybe - i will try running a duster around the house. or maybe not. i will rest up because ............


Tomorrow is the new grandson's Christening. Eldest daughter and husband have volunteered to come and get me and take me.. i won't be allowed to pick the baby up.. or even get that close to him....... but i will take my camera and if the gods smile on me - i will have enough energy to take loads of pictures (maybe even some artsy fartsy ones) See drakor - i am finding my way back to my hobbies/loves.

And maybe i will do some on line research on flight schedules and costs .. cause i am SO going away this summer !! gonna go meet up with some friends... gonna go have me some fun.. and put this spring bug completely and totally behind me.. this summer !!

good days/bad days we all have 'em - it's how we work around them and with them that makes the difference !!

private bits

Many years ago i had my first surgical procedure........ and just prior to it, the nurse came in and shaved me, from arm pits to knees. i remember it being a very embarrassing procedure - well the shaving of my pink bits !! But the strangest thing happened.

After the surgery my hands went exploring - bandaging, stitches, and...... a shaved pussy. i rather liked the feel of clean smooth skin ... definitely liked it. When i got home i shaved myself again - because i wanted to see what it looked like........ and i liked the way it looked. And a new habit was born. i shaved my private pink bits as often as was needed.

i especially liked it during the hot humid months of the summer. It always felt so clean and fresh.

So coming into the BDSM lifestyle and finding out a lot of the submissives i met shaved.. and that a lot of the Doms i met preferred their pussies shaved... it wasn't a stretch at all for me to keep myself clean shaven.

i have had a Dom or two who rather enjoyed the process of shaving me.. enjoyed more the embarrassment it caused me (at least at the beginning)

Over the last month i haven't shaved....... it just didn't seem necessary. It certainly wasn't hot and humid around here ........ and i didn't have a Dom to shave for. (Though truth be told - i do believe most of my Doms lost interest in the shaving process once the initial embarrassment wore off)

Anyway........... the other day when i was masturbating.. i got quite a shock at how thick and long my pubic hair had gotten. i slapped myself upside the head. Just because i don't have someone in my life right now is absolutely NO reason to let myself "go" (so to speak).

And besides the vibrator doesn't vibrate as nicely against my clit with all that hair hiding it.

So yesterday i pulled out the shaving equipment - positioned the mirror just right on the closed toilet seat - and went at it. God !! i almost thought i needed a machete !!! (if anyone is interested - i also shaved my arm pits and legs too - i had really let myself go !!)

Once i was done shaving....... and cleaning up.. and then taking the required bubble bath to finish the pampering.. i was pooped !!! My body had a good case of the shakes - and my legs felt as though they wouldn't hold me. (damn this bug !!)

So i spent the rest of the day quietly resting.. but i did do one more thing.. gave myself a manicure......... my nails are all nicely filed down.. and painted "spring" pink.

And Buffalo - the pedicure is up next.......... soon it will be time to wear strappy sandals.. and i want my feet looking their best...... with painted toe nails. If it hadn't been for you...Buffalo .. i never would have realized men actually look at ... and enjoy .. strappy sandals with painted toe nails !!!

Life marches along...........

Good vibrations..

Remember that song?? Hopefully someone will remember the song Good Vibrations... that's what i was hearing in my head when i woke up this morning... "good good good vibrations.. she's giving me excitations.. " of course those are the only words i could remember.... so i went looking for the rest of the words..

Not very inspired ......... but there was one line.. "she goes with me to a blossom world" that one got my attention......

Anyway........... the whole point to this is .. i woke up hot and bothered this morning. What a delightful surprise!!

i'm not sure at what point in my life i decided i didn't need a man for sexual pleasure.. it was quite late on...... that i do know. i had had at least one daughter before i discovered the joys of vibrators.

i also remember feeling very guilty and a little bit "dirty" when i played with myself...... but ohhhhhhhh the fantasies that i would weave as i played with myself.. (i think that is where most of ?? some of?? my more explicit writings come from... those fantasies while i played with myself)

Quite truthfully - just between you and me - i much preferred morning sex to evening sex.. i much prefer sex where i have no say in the matter... and i much prefer rough and tough and tumble sex. Which of course doesn't leave much but a hop skip and a jump to sex during a sound spanking/flogging ... pain and pleasure mixed.

and yeah i had rape fantasies... but they were never quite as good as the plain rough and tough and tumble sex ... somehow i couldn't quite move the whole idea of rape into a fantasy world.. somehow i always felt it was wrong... it was somehow making light of a very painful .. very real .. encounter.

Anyway......... getting back to good vibrations........

The first vibrators i bought were these hard plastic pretty coloured jobs that had two (if i was lucky) 3 speeds. They were unbending.. cold.. and quite unforgiving if one got a little carried away with the thrusting...

Then i bought - god only knows why - a dildo. Now in my humble opinion there is nothing......NOTHING...... more boring than a dildo. Once you have felt vibrations there is just no going back.

My next purchase was a dual headed vibrating rotating 3 speed action job.



i thought i had died and gone to heaven.

Then ....... my final purchase......... was the hitachi. Now that sucker can vibrate!! And the plus ..... it comes with rechargeable batteries so that it can be used just about anywhere - no need to look for an outlet (unless of course you have let the batteries run down) AND the one i bought came with attachments. Yay baby !! attachments........



Once inserted my hitachi makes my teeth vibrate....... never mind the vital bits

All of these delightful toys are stored in my bedroom in this pretty box..... that i affectionately call "my toy box". It sits at the end of my bureau.. close to the bed.. but (as i discovered this morning........ not quite close enough)

i have joked for many years that i have more vibrators than most sex stores.. and i can pick the one that suits my mood....... big small medium... fast slow.. rotating or none rotating.... and in my more feminist moods - i would say "who needs a man when you have a toy box??"

Ok.. so getting back to this morning.......... as i laid in bed with the sun streaming in....... feeling warm and fuzzy and just a little bit needy.... i remembered the toy box. i remembered how - back in the day - i would find the toy of the moment and masturbate ......... sometimes two or three times a day.

So i climbed out of bed (the reason the damn toy box needs to be moved) and found the hitachi....... and the electric cord - cause it has been so long i knew it wouldn't have any battery power left........ plugged it in and laid back .. it had been a while.. and i was - to put it mildly - a little bit rusty on finding just the right fantasy to go with the moment.......

And it felt soooooo good. yeah it did!!

And no i didn't have any earth shattering orgasms...... i had a little blip on the screen orgasm........ but considering how i am still out of sorts ....... and my energy levels are not even close to what they normally are.. a little blip was pretty damn good !!!

i am thinking maybe i need to research my next vibrator....... i have a secret longing for the fucking machines you see on line.. but who has that kind of money.. certainly not a lowly educator. So i will stick to hand held vibrating beauties that suit the mood..... and the moment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now a little health update.......

It's been a week and half......

Yesterday i had some good hours .. (i can't say a good day - but i did have a couple of hours of feeling good) and i even managed a 10 minute walk in the sunshine.

Today i am a bit listless.. not even out of my pj's yet .........but yesterday's good moments were like a light at the end of the tunnel.........

This too shall pass.

Fitting the pieces together - part 1

Well at least i am *starting* to fit the pieces back together.. trying to see what fits where and how.

There are still big blank spaces............ but here's what i have so far...........

A month ago i gave W back all the toys and i do mean all of them. i didn't want / couldn't think of myself ever being spanked or wanting to be spanked again. i didn't want to kneel before anyone again.. i didn't want any part of D/s or BDSM .. any of it.

(and so the time frame is clear - the giving back of the toys came BEFORE the following)

i think the biggest shock i had came from talking to youngest daughter and finding out that the "family" (and that includes my ex) had been discussing my relationship with W long before it ended. And they didn't like it at all. That was a huge shock. What i realized was that i had broken my own personal "no fly zone" in continuing our D/s relationship in front of vanilla - ok maybe they were family - but it wasn't appropriate. And the biggest surprise i had ... it wasn't my girls that were as upset as my sons-in-law, who felt i wasn't being treated with respect or love.... apparently they were ready to take W aside and have a "little talk" with him. (which in my opinion would have turned out very badly)

Sometimes we all get caught up in our own world .. in our own belief system .. and turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to those around us.. sometimes to those we care the most for.

And in all this trying to fit things back together........ a conversation held at a BDSM club between W and another sub came back to slap me upside the head. He had been high on a scene we had just had (one that came out of the blue and wasn't exactly what i had in mind) W asked the sub if she would like "that" and her answer was ..... "if any dom did that to me - he would get his face slapped - my Dom would NEVER do that to me". i can still see the look she gave me as she walked away. And it made me start to question if we were too full of the bullshit that is online..... too sure that the only way to be a Dom or a sub - was to play to extremes with no safe words - no "by your leave". (i am probably not explaining this well........ but you have to remember these are all the bits and pieces i have been sorting through to find out WHO and WHAT i am now)

And i have had a few conversations with other Doms since the break up... who talked about how they did things..... and i started to see another side of this world. i always thought a good sub did exactly what HE wanted.. took it and sucked it up. and kept on going. But that wasn't working for me - after 9 years.... wasn't working at all.

and i will say here and now.. for all to read...... I DO NOT BLAME W FOR ANY OF THIS !!!

It took two of us to create the relationship we had...... right or wrong. It was fun at the beginning ....... it was a fitting in with the internet world - and to some degree with the BDSM community around us. We BOTH had a strong need to do it one better than everyone else !! We both made mistakes........ and i am dealing with the mistakes *I* made and don't want to make again!!

And so here i am now.............. putting a piece of the puzzle back into place - well maybe a couple of pieces.

ONE - i no longer want to flaunt my good submissive-ness in front of anyone other than the Dominant i am with at the time. i do not want this lifestyle to spill over and affect my family in any way shape or form. i have nothing to prove to anyone...

TWO - IF (and that is a big IF) i ever return to BDSM it will be behind closed doors and it will be private. i get no thrill from humiliation 0r the chance of being caught.


THREE - IF (and that too is a big IF) i ever decide to look for a Dominant - He will not want an object - a thing - he will not believe that submissives should be seen and not heard... he will value my experience - my knowledge - he will validate my feelings and my fears. (especially my fears)

FOUR - i will - IF i ever go back to the lifestyle - have a firm written in stone - hard limits list. and it will NOT be tweaked or played with - it will be respected.

FIVE - the values that were taught to me at my mother's knee will not be open for discussion. They are the foundation of who i am. i can not nor will i allow my foundation to be shaken to it's core. It is a belief system that has stood me in good stead for 50+ years it is WHO i am!

And so i have almost fit the submissive piece - that is me - back in the puzzle .. i need to still work out a couple of points.. one being.. am i really a masochist?? or was that all hype??? i was afraid i had lost all that once gave me joy..... but i have discovered it is not gone... only hiding away until i was ready to look at it ... honestly and truthfully ...... and then move forward from there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and for the record......... this is not about W and it is not about YOU - those of you who may lay it all on the line.. and give over everything that makes you you to a Dominant. This is my journey to finding myself NOW.... and it is my limping forward. So please do NOT take offense...... it is not about you....... but it is all about me!

Update

yup something most definitely is wrong with my "cactus".

First off i have to say........... i worship my doctor....

i called yesterday morning bright and early and talked to the dragon nurse.. the keeper of the gate nurse... the "you don't get past me without damn good reason" nurse. She wasn't having any of the "i am so damn sick i need to see the doctor NOW" stuff. The most she would agree to was telling the doctor i had called.

Well 30 minutes later Miss Dragon/ keeper of the gate nurse called me back sounding slightly miffed .. but i was to come in and see the doctor at 3:00 p.m. My doctor knows i must have one foot in an early grave to call her.

So at 2:50 i presented myself to Miss Dragon / keeper of the gate nurse and was told to sit and wait.

i do what i am told quite well actually........... good training and all that.

i had brought a book. Now why i thought i was actually going to be able to READ the book is another question. i haven't been able to focus on anything for more than 20 minutes in the last week. But i opened it and managed to read 2 pages before the pain in my eyes got the best of me.

And considering i was being squeezed in.. i really didn't have to wait that long to see the "Miracle Worker" doctor.... she listened to my long list of complaints.. which got longer as she showed sympathy.

Ya see........... i have had more than normal cold symptoms... i have pains in my eyes... pains under my arms.. pains in my neck and headaches to beat all headaches.. i have a runny nose that doesn't stop !! and a cough that comes and goes.. i have nausea and (being politely correct here) fritzy bowels.

The Miracle Worker doctor wrote down everything i told her.. and then she started the exam........ mostly pressing and poking in very weird places... like under my arms..

And she kept nodding and smiling and finally said "I know exactly what you have!"

So.............. the good news and the bad news...

Good news - i am gonna live

Bad news - i am gonna feel like i am dying while this bug slowly does it's worst.

i have a virus - of the cold family viruses - that has mutated and changed and is now present in all the glands in my body..... in all my organs.. in my eyes and my sinuses and ........... best of all............ in my brain.

Prognosis - for 3 weeks i am gonna feel like death or dying. Then i am gonna start having some good days........ Then i will start having more good days then bad .. Then i will start the recuperation period. This is going to take 5 - 7 weeks. OH JOY! and i am the one who insists on instant gratification... instant cure.

The really good news is i don't have pneumonia. Apparently this mutated cold virus usually causes a virulent vile form of pneumonia that usually requires hospitalization - as no antibiotics work on it. To prevent me developing this nasty pneumonia, i am now on two pumps. One i take every four hours - the other i take morning and night. And god help me if i forget.

IF I FORGET.......... well you see that is a definite possibility. i thought over this last week that i was losing my mind cause i kept forgetting things. Like yesterday when i phoned the school to ask the secretary to do a simple job for me.. and i couldn't remember the code - a code i have entered into the computer for nearly 30 years !!!

Apparently this virus in my brain is causing the synapses to fire wrong.....and forgetting things will be my norm for the next few weeks. Post it notes was the doctor's suggestion. And no driving. Well i can drive if i promise to only do short hauls and only on city streets and not in rush hour. and only if i have no other choice. Driving is not a good idea when one's synapses aren't firing properly apparently.

Work is definitely out of the question.

Boring is the theme for the next few weeks it would seem. Normally i don't like television......... i love reading - but my eyes hurt..... i love my pc ...... but my eyes hurt and the brain doesn't work all that well....... i can't clean house cause i have no energy..... and laundry - well i put a load in on Sunday and completely forgot about it till yesterday when i went looking for something to wear to the doctor's.

Post it notes are going to be my friend!!

But i will survive....... and fortunately both daughters have risen to the challenge.. so i am sure i will have enough food and necessities to last me for awhile.

And when i start to feel sorry for myself.. i can remind myself i am already on my second week of this mutation......... and only have 3 - 5 weeks to go !!

Sometimes it's lonely

i am on my second week of Vick's therapy.......... except i stopped the Vick's sometime last week cause it really wasn't working/helping.

It is enough now......... and as much as i hate giving in.... calling a doctor... i have to. i kept thinking one more day and i will be feeling better.

On Saturday, selkie, from the now defunct "daughter of the sea" blog, was down here visiting family. She and i had plans to meet for coffee........... (we had had plans back in the fall but between one thing and another it never happened - so i wasn't gonna let a cold keep me home!!) On Saturday morning i thought i felt a little better...... a little stronger....... so i headed out to meet her for coffee. The one thing about being alone now.. and not having anyone to talk to ... i had no idea i had no voice !! Imagine my surprise ....... and selkie's ....... when we met up and i went to say hello and all that came out was a squeak !! Fortunately i wasn't expected to lecture to an audience...... only have a quiet chat with her... and get caught up on each other's news. After an hour i felt the beginnings of the tell tale shakes and sweats that seem to be part and parcel of this mystery bug. i had to say goodbye and head home. We have plans to meet up in May and probably manage to squeeze in a dinner ...........

Once i got home i stripped down and put my pjs back on and laid down...... and promptly slept for over 2 hours !!!

Sunday was more of the same...... no not coffee.. but i never got out of my pjs and napped most of the day away. i have emails to answer - but have nothing witty and brilliant to say....... so they wait. (and no smart assed comments about witty answers - i do have witty answers sometimes !!)

i have emailed the school and told them i will be "missing in action" again.... and now i wait for the doctor's office to open in the hopes that she can squeeze me in early this week. (i do have an appointment on Thursday with her - but god i don't think i can wait till Thursday !!)

And ya know what folks..........

There is nothing more lonely than waking up at 3 am feeling like crap .. and not having anyone around who cares............ and don't you dare say i have family!! yeah i do....... but they are busy with their lives (that's the way i brought them up) so other than a phone call once a day...... i am on my own to fight my way through this....... and fight my way through i will.............

It's just that it is very lonely at 3 am when one feels like crap.........

a Glimmer of a craving...

i don't remember how it started or even when it started... but W bought a knife and it hung on the wall upstairs. Then W received a set of small oriental sword like knives that sat on the front table.

Occasionally W would bring them out and play with them. i never much thought about them until they were gone...... and i missed them. i thought i missed their physical being in the house. But i am beginning to think that maybe it is something more.

swan and i were chatting one evening and something prompted me to ask her about Raheretic's knives. We laughed and talked about them.. and still the penny didn't drop.

Yesterday swan wrote an entry on The Heron Clan about a wonderful session they had..... one sentence has been popping up in my head since i read it.. "In the midst of all the spanking and paddling and stroking with His knives"

stroking with His knives.... round and round in my head it goes..if i let my imagination run wild.... i can almost feel the coolness of the steal against my own skin .. the shiver as the steel runs down my spine....

oh yeah... there is a glimmer of a craving........ and i am thinking maybe i will go and find myself a knife or two to have in the house... so when the glimmer of a craving comes i will have a knife to caress... cool steel against hot skin.....

The original tough old bird

i woke early this morning........ very early before the birds and most definitely before the sun. But it seemed ok today to be awake so early..... in the still quietness that happens just before dawn. It is a time i find my mind wanders here and there and soft memories wrap themselves around me like an old blanket.

i have been thinking about the possibility of growing old alone. i made reference in a recent email to becoming the "crazy cat lady". i was thinking how it is scary to be sick at 3 in the morning with no one around.

And all that thinking led me down the path that leads to my Aunt O...... the eccentric one in the family. She was born into a family of 8 children, in England. Her family came to the Great White North when she was heading into puberty. She told stories about playing out in the fields on the farm they lived on.... playing around farm hands from god only knows where .. and no one ever worried. She used to talk about how money was tight....... she talked about going out to work at the age of 15 to help make ends meet.

That's all i knew about her for many many years.

Then i grew up. And my family moved away. And Aunt O was here. And i had the honour of getting to know her really well.

She had met a woman - an older woman - when she was walking to and from school. This older woman had spoken to her parents about Aunt O coming to live with her and work in her store....... learn a trade so to speak. Her family had readily agreed cause feeding and housing 8 kids in a small farm house was tough. There were stories about the girls sleeping 3 in a bed.

Miss B and Aunt O bought a cute lil home down by the water. There were 2 bedrooms, a tv room.. a kitchen and big living room with a fireplace. And dogs. Always at least 4 dogs - boxers. They were show dogs and i wasn't really ever allowed to play them. i remember thinking how unfair it was that Aunt O's room was the smallest room in the house....... even the TV room was bigger than her room. But you could tell her room right off. It was purple........ the bedspread .. the skirt around her vanity.. the walls.. the pillows ......... even the pictures had purple accents. She must have loved purple........ but it wasn't something we talked about. BUT no matter where she lived - for years after that first little house by the water - her bedroom was always purple. It makes me smile now to think of it.

Skip ahead a few years (ok more than a few years) and Miss B is sick... very sick .. and she died. When she died Aunt O and she had been together for 35 years. Miss B was in her 80's when she died. Do the math. She had been in her 40's when she took in the 15 year old girl to learn a trade....... and no one raised an eyebrow. The day we buried Miss B was the one and only time i saw Aunt O cry....... quiet soft tears that simply escaped and trickled down her cheek. i realized she had lost the love of her life. Aunt O and Miss B had been lesbian lovers for all those years and no one dared utter one word. It was as though if the word "lesbian" wasn't spoken then Aunt O couldn't be one.

Aunt O stayed here for a few more years.. she sold the store ...........the little store that had gum balls and jaw breakers and licorice in big glass jars at the cash.

Aunt O went to work for a big chain store....... and hated it. People had no work ethic she used to say. She was into her late 60's when she decided to sell up everything and move closer to my mom and dad. i missed her terribly. i missed our treks out to antique fairs and garage sales. i missed her weird twisted philosophy on life. i missed her dogs.

When my marriage broke up.... and my first relationship after the marriage..... it was Aunt O who stood by my side. Who told me i would get through this. Who told me i was strong enough to beat them at their own game. Who held my hand when i was scared and who slipped me envelopes of money to do up the new house i had just bought - on a wing and a prayer. i did the floors with the money she slipped me quietly. There isn't a day that goes by that i wash the floors or mop them that i don't think of that phone call from her ..... after the money had arrived. "I only have so much you know .......... and I have to be fair and divide it equally between all the nieces and nephews when I am gone......... BUT ............what I do with it when I am alive - is no one's business"

She came to visit the new home........ she even had her own room....... and she loved my lil house....... she said it reminded her of living in an English village. She loved the house...... i loved the time we got to spend together.

But for all her "normal-ness" she wasn't really all that normal........ Her favourite expression was "farting ass" ..... farting ass weather..... farting ass political situation.. farting ass twit ... just farting ass !!!

She didn't dress like everyone else either. She was always in big over sized trousers with over sized sweaters or sweat shirts on. Her hair was always washed and brushed but was never "styled". She never wore make up not even lipstick. She slapped on whatever cream was on hand when her skin would get dry in the winter. She had the best stereo system money could buy (at the time) and had classical music booming through her apartment all the time.

She was one of a kind.

And she was my Aunt O.

When her health started to fail.... she had managed to outlive my mom and my dad....... she gave me guardianship powers. She told me about the DNR order (do not resuscitate) she told me she didn't want any heroics. She was ready.

i thought she would live forever....... always be there - a phone call away..... but then i got the phone call at 3 in the morning. She had had a stroke - a major completely debilitating stroke. i drove like the wind to be by her side. i became the poster child for the right to die. i fought the hospital andthe doctors and finally the Chaplin. And got the right to remove all the tubes and breathing devices. i held her hand and cried and whispered to her i was doing everything i could ..... i owed her that much!

The baby finger of her left hand stroked the back of my hand. She knew.

8 years next week - i buried her. In a small lil grave by the edge of the cemetery. NO headstone had been Aunt O's war cry. "I don't want anyone coming and crying over a hunk of dirt. They should have been here when I was alive. "

She marched to her own drummer........ she was eccentric ..... she was the original "tough old bird" and she wanted nothing less for me....... to live my life free.. anyway i wanted. She was fiercely proud of me....... and i loved her with all my being.

i miss her still.

One month later.......

A month ago i couldn't see beyond that day and that pain and those tears. But i have survived the short haul - with the help of good friends and family..... and here it is one month later.

That tangled web of emotions has been more or less sorted out...... and in the next few days and weeks i need to start winding them back into a more orderly ball ... and as i do that .. i need to examine carefully my feelings then...... and my feelings now......... which i suppose will give me a whole new set of criteria for myself in the terms of BDSM. Hell i might even have a decent hard limits list !!


But ....... the other day..... for whatever reason...... i decided to take a look at those sites that one tends to run to when one is uncollared and unfettered and wondering what the future holds.



One of the sites i went to was "Collar me.com" .............. the name itself should be enough to put me off totally........ collar me?? sounds an awful lot like a meat market for submissives doesn't it??

Anyway.......i opened a free account .. and wrote up my profile........ putting down quite clearly that i was just out of a 9 year relationship - as a collared submissive - and that the most i was looking for was someone to chat with .. i was NOT looking to jump right back in........

Sounds clear enough dontcha think?

Well obviously it wasn't.

But that isn't really what amazed me the most..... i was sorta expecting that sort of 'swarm the newbie' mentality. What amazed me was reading the Dominant profiles.

After reading - i don't know how many for my area .......... i came to the conclusion that most of them need a lesson in picking nicknames and writing profiles.

Now i enjoy a play on words as much as the next person - maybe more so. i have a frequent visitor here on the blog who goes by the nick of Mr Upton Ogood... that one still makes me smile (and if i have to explain it to you ..... i won't)

But on collarme there are nicks like ...... are you ready for this?? i am not making this up!!
InfernalBastard, Dragontongue69, Justameanbastard, Sirwoode, wantsmeat, Needstosuckle. ughhhhhhhhhhh what are they thinking?? Serious intelligent women are gonna fall all over themselves to meet someone with such a nick?? Do they honestly think those nicks scream DOMINANT??!!

And my other beef - their profiles. Some sound as though they haven't graduated from elementary school....... can't put three words together and make an intelligent sentence. Others are ........ how to put this ........ 'expert' at everything. Oh yeah?? somehow i doubt that.

Other profiles are asking for "discrete" encounters - screams married right??
Other profiles are asking for online encounters only - either they are scared stiff by their fantasies or they too are married.
Other profiles ask for a Dominant woman or a submissive woman..... they can't make up their mind what they are. (and i have nothing against switches - except they aren't for me!!) and should NOT be identifying as Dominant.

And on and on it goes........ i have a feeling my untangled ball of emotions is more appealing than all the creatures on Collar me. i might miss "the ONE" .. but somehow i doubt it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And for the record - if anyone is keeping count.... i am now on my 4th day of Vicks therapy .......

missing..........

Almost 9 years ago W put my collar and around my neck. It virtually has not been off until March 8th.

i never realized how much i would miss it............ there was a comfort having it gracing my neck......... and i worried it - when times were stressful....... pulling on it.. rubbing it... wrapping it around my finger ............ and now it is gone.

Last week when i was dealing with all that crap at school my hand flew instinctively to my neck - to play with it .......... and it was gone. Of course.

There were times when the hook that was the clasp would get tangled in a sweater when i was undressing and i would nearly hang myself trying to get it off.. Once i couldn't untangle it for love or money and had to get W to do it. Once or twice i would be walking and i would feel it slip from around my neck ....... slide down my sweater and drop to the floor.

Whenever my fingers would touch it .. for whatever reason......it always brought W close to me.. and i knew everything would be ok cause W was looking out for me.. even when he wasn't standing beside me.. i KNEW he was with me.. because of that chain mail collar that weighed two tons....

Such a small little symbol - hardly noticed by anyone - but it meant i was owned..... all was right with the world.

Until it wasn't anymore.

So i made up my mind i needed something to go around my neck again....... especially now the nicer weather is here and my neck is bare. Before this bug knocked my legs out from under me.... i went to the local jewelry /odds n ends store and lo and behold they were having an after Easter sale. i decided to buy some outlandish necklaces to go with my spring/summer outfits......... nothing like the collar - something completely different.

So......... because they were having a 3 for 1 sale....... i bought 3 necklaces............



Now if the nice weather would come back so i can get back into spring tops... oh yeah and get rid of this bug so i actually feel like getting dressed....... i will have something to adorn my neck. It won't be a collar - that is gone forever.... but maybe these necklaces will help me miss it less.