Monday, April 26, 2010


One of the things that i always maintained......... prided myself on.. was that there was no role playing... no games .. it was .. i guess in my stupid opinion... "real" BDSM.

Only thing was towards the end - i really started to question a lot of the protocols/rules that i lived by. Some made perfect sense - like texting to say i was home safe and sound.. nothing wrong with that.

But others .. like asking permission to enter or leave a room.. asking permission to pee.. supposedly being naked all the time ... all those rules/protocols started to feel unnatural and awkward.. and truth be told.. plain silly.

One of the things i missed the most over these last few years is open discussion with other "kinksters" about the lifestyle.. about their thoughts on various subjects.

i realized just how much i missed it on Saturday evening... when i sat with Doms and subs alike and got into a thought provoking interesting conversation about protocols and rules.

i was shocked - yes shocked - when i heard a Dominant who had always been a huge supporter of very strict rules and protocols saying that they didn't hold as much importance in his life anymore. His thoughts were that when one comes into the lifestyle - one is frantic to find something concrete.... something to hang their hat on (so to speak) They want to fit in.. they want to know how to DO this for real.

But he said that as the years wore on.. he realized that a lot of what he was doing wasn't important to him. He felt no one should be judged by how well they follow some obscure rule / protocol that had little or no bearing on the here and now.

Another Dominant spoke of following rules/protocols when playing publicly that that made sense to her as she was in a public space and life could/would become very chaotic if there were no general rules to follow in a group. But as for in private?? not the same need.

It all got me thinking........ (which is what is supposed to happen when one has interesting/challenging conversations - no??)

When i started out on this journey - way back when - the only thing i knew i wanted was pain.... and yes .. i'll admit it.. sex after the pain. i didn't much care what people called me.. i have many hats i wear from - mother to teacher to friend to granny to sister - well you get the picture. So if there was one more hat to put on.. one called submissive .. and if that hat got me the pain and pleasure i was seeking fine and dandy. If there were rules/protocols to follow to earn that hat.. then bring 'em on....... i was ready!

But like i said above.. some of those rules/protocols stopped making sense. And if i examine when they stopped making sense... it was about the time i realized i was very comfortable wearing the hat submissive - and i didn't need to DO anything more to be that persona. It all started to feel awkward and unnecessary. Take for example the no clothes rule.......... when it is - 40 degrees it is damn cold to be running around naked. AND any season .... it is a lot of work. There is no way some naked ass - even my own - is gonna sit on the furniture - so it involved towels everywhere i went. It also meant that once - and i am embarrassed to admit it - once i flashed some poor unsuspecting pizza delivery guy as i reached up to turn off the alarm. (i had only a tshirt on) That broke every rule i believed in.. about not involving unsuspecting vanillas.

Driving home with my sub buddy - we talked about the alternatives to being a slave to a host of rules and protocols. We talked about the alternative to living it 24/7. We took the long way home so we had more time to talk and talk and talk.

It all helped me to see (duh!!) that there are many different avenues to come to the same place........ BDSM. And perhaps a whole slew of rules/protocols are no longer necessary for me (and i emphasis the *ME* here) to feel i "belong"

This isn't a secret club anymore. There are no secret passwords anymore. No secret handshakes or hankie codes. The "Old Guard" is dead and we are the "New Guard". We should be encouraging the young ones - the newbies no matter their age - to grasp this thing called BDSM and hang on for the ride (cause it is a wild one) but to mold it to fit their needs, their desires, their dreams. Not some out dated belief system that has - for all intense of purpose - gone the way of the dodo bird.

And that is my story and i am sticking to it !


  1. Palamino12:01 pm

    Morning Star!

    Amen! And thank you. As one of those 'newbies' you refer to, I've been told repeatedly that I'm not submissive because XYZ and that because ABC, well I don't belong in the lifestyle at all! Fortunately, I have also found one or two who are perhaps seasoned a bit and reached the exact same conclusions on life. Those card carrying die hard Dom's are going to be crushed, but there is actually room for women like me with brains, and lives, and differences. Interestingly enough, I find those 'Dom's' to be an awful lot of the 'wanna be' lot. They truly have never had LTR in this lifestyle. They have played here and there, and frankly are clinging to the lifestyle to give them control over a life in which they don't have much for themselves. I find it so interesting that they are going to lead a sub when they can't lead themselves, but that's another post.

    I'm sorry your journey was sidetracked, but I don't know one single person who is actually living life that leads the life they ever projected. Stay strong. And, thanks for sharing your story. I generally lurk. Regardless if we post, your words are heard, and they do make a difference.


  2. What startling conclusions - or something like that.

  3. Anonymous1:32 pm

    It's ~~A.

    Well, again, all these rules and procedures are meant to be titillating. And in the beginning (and maybe for some, for always) it IS fun and exciting. But yeah, after a while it often no longer feels so thrilling and then what's the point? Just keep doing such things because you've always done it that way? That's called being in a rut.

    My dominant always says you know if you're dom or sub or switch or straight or gay or whatever you are by the things you think about when you masturbate to orgasm. When no one can see in your head but *you*. If you orgasm to submitting/being controlled/humiliated, etc., by a straight male every time (like me, for instance!) then you're sexually sub.

    If you're like my husband and you always masturbate to women being under your control, "forcing" her to do degrading things or fulfill your needs or whatever, then you're sexually straight and dominant.

    And in real life, if you enjoy serving others and tending to their non-sexual needs, especially the man you are sexual with and you look up to him, blah blah blah, you're socially/relationship-wise submissive. Period. It's just that simple.

    All the rules and protocol, etc., are merely to reinforce that little "zing", sexual or otherwise. But if the "zing" stops happening, no sense in doing it anymore. Time to think up new rules or a new approach or something, to keep it fresh. Or, in our case, we stopped doing them and found that letting go of all that was both freeing and yet we still feel very much D/s, regardless.

    We never met up with other people in the BDSM world because A) we're not into playing with others and B) from everything I've read, it seems there is some kind of club about it that I never felt we really "fit" into.

    But I would have dearly loved to have spoken to other submissive women about it without being afraid I'd be misunderstood. I've never dared bring it up with my family/friends, I know they wouldn't understand. And I think my husband would have enjoyed talking to other men who are dominant. The two vanilla friends he opened up to a little bit, hoping to connect on this topic, were horrified (and he hadn't even said that much!) and it ruined their friendship. He says he's never talking to anyone about it again, except me. And that's just a lonely feeling. :(

    I'm happy you got to connect with others who feel like you do and that you were able to see there are different ways to do it and there is no more "Old Guard" and a "set way" but all kinds of ways to do it. That it's about being fulfilled, and that's pretty much it. Good for you! :)

  4. amen.... I always wondered where people got so much TIME to (a) create those protocols, (b) actually follow through with them! Life is busy; jobs, housework, kids, animals, parents, just THINGS...i know doug and I used to put in place protocols and rituals for those precious times we got away and there were more subtle ones in place that reflected and strengthened the bond but did not usually involve anything too complicated.

    Becuse ultimately it is all about REAL life.

  5. Gosh! I loved all these clever comments and I agree with them all, especially with selkie's.

  6. I think a key thing is being open to the options that are suitable for each of us as individuals. No one way is right but there are plenty around who try to tell us otherwise. Also important to realise that we all change.


  7. Orage5:59 am

    "When i started out on this journey - way back when - the only thing i knew i wanted was pain.... and yes .. i'll admit it.. sex after the pain"
    Now, how did that switch to staying naked all the time, having to ask for permission to leave the room or to go pee? The Master's wish?
    I'm thinking that all of us who want just what you needed are probably aghast at what they had to suffer in terms of petty restraints. Because they WERE or ARE petty, when you think of it now.


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