One of the things that i always maintained......... prided myself on.. was that there was no role playing... no games .. it was .. i guess in my stupid opinion... "real" BDSM.
Only thing was towards the end - i really started to question a lot of the protocols/rules that i lived by. Some made perfect sense - like texting to say i was home safe and sound.. nothing wrong with that.
But others .. like asking permission to enter or leave a room.. asking permission to pee.. supposedly being naked all the time ... all those rules/protocols started to feel unnatural and awkward.. and truth be told.. plain silly.
One of the things i missed the most over these last few years is open discussion with other "kinksters" about the lifestyle.. about their thoughts on various subjects.
i realized just how much i missed it on Saturday evening... when i sat with Doms and subs alike and got into a thought provoking interesting conversation about protocols and rules.
i was shocked - yes shocked - when i heard a Dominant who had always been a huge supporter of very strict rules and protocols saying that they didn't hold as much importance in his life anymore. His thoughts were that when one comes into the lifestyle - one is frantic to find something concrete.... something to hang their hat on (so to speak) They want to fit in.. they want to know how to DO this for real.
But he said that as the years wore on.. he realized that a lot of what he was doing wasn't important to him. He felt no one should be judged by how well they follow some obscure rule / protocol that had little or no bearing on the here and now.
Another Dominant spoke of following rules/protocols when playing publicly that that made sense to her as she was in a public space and life could/would become very chaotic if there were no general rules to follow in a group. But as for in private?? not the same need.
It all got me thinking........ (which is what is supposed to happen when one has interesting/challenging conversations - no??)
When i started out on this journey - way back when - the only thing i knew i wanted was pain.... and yes .. i'll admit it.. sex after the pain. i didn't much care what people called me.. i have many hats i wear from - mother to teacher to friend to granny to sister - well you get the picture. So if there was one more hat to put on.. one called submissive .. and if that hat got me the pain and pleasure i was seeking fine and dandy. If there were rules/protocols to follow to earn that hat.. then bring 'em on....... i was ready!
But like i said above.. some of those rules/protocols stopped making sense. And if i examine when they stopped making sense... it was about the time i realized i was very comfortable wearing the hat submissive - and i didn't need to DO anything more to be that persona. It all started to feel awkward and unnecessary. Take for example the no clothes rule.......... when it is - 40 degrees it is damn cold to be running around naked. AND ..in any season .... it is a lot of work. There is no way some naked ass - even my own - is gonna sit on the furniture - so it involved towels everywhere i went. It also meant that once - and i am embarrassed to admit it - once i flashed some poor unsuspecting pizza delivery guy as i reached up to turn off the alarm. (i had only a tshirt on) That broke every rule i believed in.. about not involving unsuspecting vanillas.
Driving home with my sub buddy - we talked about the alternatives to being a slave to a host of rules and protocols. We talked about the alternative to living it 24/7. We took the long way home so we had more time to talk and talk and talk.
It all helped me to see (duh!!) that there are many different avenues to come to the same place........ BDSM. And perhaps a whole slew of rules/protocols are no longer necessary for me (and i emphasis the *ME* here) to feel i "belong"
This isn't a secret club anymore. There are no secret passwords anymore. No secret handshakes or hankie codes. The "Old Guard" is dead and we are the "New Guard". We should be encouraging the young ones - the newbies no matter their age - to grasp this thing called BDSM and hang on for the ride (cause it is a wild one) but to mold it to fit their needs, their desires, their dreams. Not some out dated belief system that has - for all intense of purpose - gone the way of the dodo bird.
And that is my story and i am sticking to it !