Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The List

In the past i have had my own unique way of handling "endings"... be they relationship endings or endings by death... any form of ending actually......... i just threw everything out.. got rid of.. refused to keep... refused to take... i wanted nothing.. i think most of the time i believed i wasn't worthy of having............ and perhaps the pain of the endings made me want to run as far away from the pain as i could............ and having "things" would just slow me down.

Once after a particularly bad ending.......... with no where to run... and fear eating me up inside and out...... i went to see "someone" . Isn't that the politically correct term for therapist - "someone". I think it took two sessions .. yeah all of two sessions ... for her to look me in the eye and ask "Why do you keep repeating the same mistakes?"

That made me think....... hard.

i didn't want to make the same mistakes.........and the worst mistake was not wanting to be alone.. not wanting to take time to feel the pain.. to experience the pain.. to touch it and feel it and taste it and breath it.......... to own it.

This time i took the time......... To unravel the bits and pieces.. study them.. and put them back together in some semblance of order.......... normalcy ........ and tuck them away...... not throw them out.. not run as far or as fast as i could. Sit still ... feel the pain.. heal the pain.....own the pain.

Its' done now.

Now i need a list.......... a shopping list of sorts........ a 'post-it note' on the door to my heart.

1) What i need............

2) What i want............

3) What i seek..........

4) What i deserve..........


i need quiet stability. i need challenge. i need quiet strength. i need control. i need confidence in myself, in himself. i need dependence in the midst of independence. And i need truth in all things.

i want a man whose sadistic needs meet my masochistic needs. Our needs must come together and fit together like puzzle pieces. i want him to want dependence in the midst of independence. It shouldn't be work - it should be natural and wonderful and joyful.

i seek someone in control of his world, standing tall, nothing to prove.. confident in his ability to love and be loved. Someone who knows what he wants and will work to get it.

This bit is for all who have pushed me to ask the question.............
i deserve to be loved for who i am - not who i might become. i deserve to be challenged. i deserve to be validated and appreciated and loved.

i deserve the best.


A shopping list of sorts.. a start.. a beginning.....


  1. Orage6:12 am

    "Why do you keep repeating the same mistakes?"
    I think it's a silly question. We are as we are and obviously we follow the same pattern over and over again.
    Now, once in my life I decided to break the pattern: I married a man who was in love with me. I wasn't. Moreover I had a wonderful BDSM liaison with another one at the same time.
    BUT I was 35 at that time and he kept saying "marry who loves you, not whom you love" (anyway the second option wasn't an option as he was sticking to wife and three children). I married the one who loved me and I've been happy with him.
    BUT I kept the second one who made me weak at the knees and still does.
    Perhaps you won't approve of that two-timing but for the second one I'm a slave meanwhile my husband is strictly vanilla and I can't feel fulfilled with exclusively vanilla relationships.

  2. What a wonderful post. You seem to be healing and you seem ready to stop making the same mistakes.

    Yes, you deserve to be loved for who you are. Good luck in finding the man who will love you. And be patient in your search.

    I think your search will have a happy ending because you now appear to understand yourself.

    Again, good luck, and your cyber friends are rooting for you.


  3. Orage, Florida Dom - and everyone else who might comment today -

    i am going to use the comments to flesh out today's post..... to fill in gaps in understanding.. gaps in my thinking... etc..

    So please comment... give me some fodder for further posts.


  4. I'm going to need to think about this one.

  5. Anonymous6:46 pm

    From ~~A

    You know, I read this earlier and thought about it off and on. I think it's a great list! Very thoughtful and heartfelt and beautiful. You asked for thoughts, here are mine, such as they are. :)

    I think the challenge for all submissives is how to keep our own core needs paramount for the sake of our *own mental and emotional health*, while at the same time giving over all control to another. You know? I mean, it's another one of those conundrums or Catch 22; because if the goal is to give over all control, then how can you possibly hold your own needs above and beyond the needs of the one in control? Direct conflict there.

    You speak longingly of this wonderful man you'd like to meet but it's a two-way street. For him to respect you that much, you have to demand that kind of respect. Otherwise, it's just too hard, for both sides.

    For me, it means maintaining that fantasy/reality blend, that line between the two. Yes, he has total control, you are his creature, you do what he says, when he says jump, you ask "how high". You worship him, you obey him, you adore him and you want to please him.

    Yet, in order to be really happy, we can never lose sight of who we *are* and what we *need*. And if our needs are not being met, the curtain between fantasy/reality must be lifted and the problem resolved. Openly and without the dynamic being used to squash the sub's request.

    I just don't see any other way to do it.

    So keep repeating your needs to yourself and, when and if you find a man whom you believe can give these things to you, understand that if he goes too far astray from your needs, you have every right to speak up about it.

    Yeah, I know. Blasphemy according to many in the D/s world.

    But true all the same. :)

    You stay firmly you and then he will always know who you are. I know in my relationship, the first and greatest "rule" was to be 100 percent honest. At all times. Instantly. Whether I thought he "wanted" to hear it or not. This was and is a hard hard rule, believe it. But necessary. At least for us.

    No one is perfect, man or woman. We're all flawed and when we give such power to another over us, there is a natural inclination for that person to take advantage of it. And not in a *bad* way or a punitive way, but simply because they are being constantly encouraged to control everything; the dynamic itself expects it.

    So there must be open communication and lots of it about both your needs and what is expected of each other. If things start to make you uncomfortable and you begin to worry about it, you must have the right to speak up about it without feeling like a "bad" or "bossy" submissive.

    Otherwise I don't see how it can work over time. Not and enjoy the kind of serenity and fulfillment you obviously yearn for. :)

    Great good luck! ~~A


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