The Struggle

And it is getting harder not easier to live 5 days without him.  My heart grows impatient ... and yet I think "too soon"

I am living in turmoil .......... 

Hardest Part

I honestly didn't believe I would miss LLF as much as I do.... 

At the beginning I would think how lucky I was to have him in my life -- to see him regularly for the whole weekend.... to sleep with his arm wrapped around my body holding me close -- making me feel safe and loved. 

At first when he left I knew he would be back and that was enough -- there would be hours and days to spend together -- to fill up my heart with him to last me until the next time.  

At first it wasn't hard to say good-bye.

And then it was hard......... it made my heart hurt... it made my eyes fill with tears....  it made the days between our visits stretch endlessly -- empty and cold.

The hardest part is watching him leave...........

missing..........

Almost 9 years ago W put my collar and around my neck. It virtually has not been off until March 8th.

i never realized how much i would miss it............ there was a comfort having it gracing my neck......... and i worried it - when times were stressful....... pulling on it.. rubbing it... wrapping it around my finger ............ and now it is gone.

Last week when i was dealing with all that crap at school my hand flew instinctively to my neck - to play with it .......... and it was gone. Of course.

There were times when the hook that was the clasp would get tangled in a sweater when i was undressing and i would nearly hang myself trying to get it off.. Once i couldn't untangle it for love or money and had to get W to do it. Once or twice i would be walking and i would feel it slip from around my neck ....... slide down my sweater and drop to the floor.

Whenever my fingers would touch it .. for whatever reason......it always brought W close to me.. and i knew everything would be ok cause W was looking out for me.. even when he wasn't standing beside me.. i KNEW he was with me.. because of that chain mail collar that weighed two tons....

Such a small little symbol - hardly noticed by anyone - but it meant i was owned..... all was right with the world.

Until it wasn't anymore.

So i made up my mind i needed something to go around my neck again....... especially now the nicer weather is here and my neck is bare. Before this bug knocked my legs out from under me.... i went to the local jewelry /odds n ends store and lo and behold they were having an after Easter sale. i decided to buy some outlandish necklaces to go with my spring/summer outfits......... nothing like the collar - something completely different.

So......... because they were having a 3 for 1 sale....... i bought 3 necklaces............



Now if the nice weather would come back so i can get back into spring tops... oh yeah and get rid of this bug so i actually feel like getting dressed....... i will have something to adorn my neck. It won't be a collar - that is gone forever.... but maybe these necklaces will help me miss it less.