It's Official

We're home from the hospital.  Sir Steve was such a support -- he even came into the room while they did the procedures and stroked my shoulder and kept talking me through it.

One small 'wrinkle' as the doctor called it -- he cauterized it to be on the safe side -- but doesn't want to see me for another year.  He announced "2 1/2 years cancer free!!"  which sounded pretty damn good to me!! 

Now I can breathe again .... Christmas can now start!  

Tomorrow I think I will work on decorating The Journey for the holidays (as I'm supposed to take it easy for a couple of days) 

 (see me doing the happy dance?!)

 

Struggling

This love we have was not without it's internal struggles -- especially on my side.  What was I bringing to this relationship??? There is a huge age difference between us --  I swore up down and sideways I would never date (never mind fall in love) with someone so much younger than myself.  After all what would we have in common?? Our life experiences would drive wedges between us -- I was sure!!!

But surprise surprise we haven't had a problem ..... must be my "Peter Pan Complex" (never wanting to grow up) ....... And I am getting used to the looks people give us when we are together -- and the being called "grandma" when I am with the lil one (though it confuses the hell out of her )

There are still days that I look at the saggy skin and wrinkles and hate the 'old' body that seems to have just suddenly appeared.  There are still days that I look at Sir Steve and worry he is gonna take the rose coloured glasses off and see me for who I am...... BUT most of the time I am ok 

The only real serious worry I have -- the one that keeps me awake at night -- is -- I don't want to EVER be a burden to Sir Steve.  I want to be strong and independent for EVER!! I don't want him to ever regret this relationship.

And that worry is building and building this week.

You see on Thursday morning Sir Steve will drive me back to Kingston to see my cancer doctor.  I will go through the invasive test .... and find out if the cancer is back.  This is the first time I have been allowed to go a year without re-testing or monitoring as they call it.  It has been 2 years since there was any cancer found -- which means I should have a positive attitude right -- 2 years cancer free!!  BUT I'm not even remotely confident. I am scared stiff........ sick to my stomach scared.....not sleeping sick.....not focused sick....... wanting to hide in the house sick.

I don't expect to post anything till this procedure is over -- good or bad -- I'll post the results.......... but till then my mind just isn't focused enough to write here.........

Busy Family Weekend

The weekend actually started on Thursday evening for us... the lil one had a PA day on Friday.

On Friday while 'daddy' was working she and I did some baking -- trying out a new recipe for Christmas (it was soooo good it's a definite addition to the Christmas baking list).  We started Daddy's Christmas present -- and then she did some solo painting.  We had an early dinner and headed downtown for the city's Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony. 

After  some hot chocolate and treats -- a visit with Santa -- and some Christmas caroling we headed home to bed.

Saturday we went to my apartment and dragged the Christmas decorations out to Sir Steve's van - including the tree -- and brought everything home.  We watched Home Alone 2 which the lil one totally loved -- giggling through it.  We did some work on anticipation skills when I would ask -- 'what do you think will happen?" 
The lil one wanted to decorate the house immediately -- but my heart wasn't in it (got some major challenges to face this week ) so we promised her next weekend.  BUT I did weaken a little bit and she and I pulled the snowflakes out and put them in the windows.  She was thrilled with her own package of window snow flakes for her room!!

Sunday was a quiet-ish day.  The Grey Cup Game was scheduled for 6:00 pm and to my surprise the lil one was really looking forward to it.  Sir Steve made some great finger foods for our "Grey Cup Game Party" and we all ate in the living room watching the game.  We all cheered on the 'blue team'.

It wasn't all 'family' time -- Sir Steve and I managed to squeeze in some adult fun Saturday night.  Need I say it was amazing??!!!!

And now it's Monday -- I'm doing the count down to Thursday and fighting major anxiety attacks and tears...... my Sunday Sentiments yesterday was for me mostly -- I wish I could enjoy the peace today and leave the worry for Thursday -- but it's not easy.  Let's just say I could use an early Christmas gift -- so I can find the peace I so want.

Sunday Sentiments

Updated

LOL day got me thinking....

The list of blogs I read was very very outdated.  Most of my list had dropped off the blog world.  And I had a whole new list of blogs to explore from the comments left on LOL day.   

Yesterday I decided to update the "Blogs I read" list (found on the left side of your screen).  A couple of the blogs will never be deleted -- like Buffalo's link cause I can't bear to delete it...... and "Under his hand" cause hope springs eternal (small smile)

IF you don't want me to list your blog on my reading list -- let me know and I will remove it...... otherwise may I suggest -- if you have some time on your hands -- go read some new blogs (well new to me) ........ and tell them morningstar sent you -- you'll get a good seat !!

Memories

The lil one has a PA day today (no school).  She should have been with Mom -- but as we all know -- Mom is away on a 3 week holiday.  

Back in the day when my girls were little -- we did gobs of Christmas stuff in the weeks leading up to Christmas -- everything from making presents for the family - to making a Gingerbread House (or village another year or a train another year) - to making decorations for 'mom's' themed Christmases....... 

Then the grandbabies came along -- and one Saturday in December they would come to Granny's house to help decorate my house (while Mom and Dad got one free day to do their Christmas shopping).  We made Gingerbread houses -- and decorations -- and some years presents for Mom and Dad. I hoped then that we were making wonderful Christmas memories.

Those days were gone... and I thought my days of making memories with lil ones was over.  

Yeah well who knew??!!

So this morning the lil one and I started a Christmas gift for Daddy -- and this afternoon we're gonna do some baking (not necessarily for Christmas but testing a recipe that MIGHT be on the Christmas menu)

Tonight the city is having a Tree Lighting party downtown and we are gonna go.  I have NEVER been to a tree lighting party and am excited to go....... 

Just goes to show you -- you're never too old to make new memories -- and that is a very good thing!

I'm a Baddddddd Girl

(first a little update:  Sir Steve and the lil one had a 'behind closed doors' discussion the other evening -- and then at dinner time we had a 'family discussion'.  There is a distinct impression that I am being sabotaged by the other side of the family.  But the discussion has cleared the air (for now) and the lil one had some tears because she didn't mean to hurt my feelings -- and we are working towards creating our 'happy kingdom' again.  We have 3 weeks without mother so things should get back on track for a little while anyway)

Now on to a brighter side ............

We have been having some trouble with the dog barking at every little sound.  It is driving us all crazy!!  On Saturday evening at the family engagement party -- eldest daughter suggested we try spraying the dog with water every time she barks.  
I have been in charge of the spray bottle.... and am thinking I may be winning the war.

Last evening I had used the spray bottle a couple of times with success. I was feeling all puffed and proud.  Sir Steve was sitting half watching TV and half surfing the net.  I have NO idea what possessed me but I lifted the spray bottle and squirted Sir Steve.  As I am unleashing the spray of cold water -- the only thought in my head was 'don't hit his computer'.  

I didn't.

Instead I made a direct hit on his ear!  The look on his face was priceless !!  The look on the dog's face was almost as good.

I am now living in fear for my life.  (grinning) 

Sir Steve is nothing if not patient -- and he has told me I won't see it coming......

The waiting is as bad -- no worse -- than the punishment........ but a little bit fun too (grinning)

This 'n That

I really do want to thank everyone who dropped by over the LOL days -- and especially to those who left a comment.  There were some that made me smile and some that warmed my heart -- but they all made me very happy !  You know I am still mildly surprised that anyone reads my ramblings -- always have been and probably always will be.

We had a good weekend -- busy one -- Saturday was an engagement dinner party for my eldest daughter in Ottawa....... Sunday was The Big Christmas show -- that was a total bust.  I was SO disappointed!!

And of course Sunday afternoon was spent watching the CFL East and West Finals -- big Grey Cup game is next Sunday ...... for those of you who don't know I LOVE football -- well Canadian football.

I realized this weekend that since I have been sick -- what is it now about 6 weeks? I haven't been taking my mega doses of B12.  Why I honestly don't know....... but shame on me!!  I don't know what made me think of it -- but it just jumped into my head.  I started to realize I have been so damn tired -- and the anxiety has been getting worse -- and my body has been aching ..... I thought it was just the bug ..... but maybe it's lack of B12.  Needless to say I started back on my mega daily doses and am hoping that in a week or so I will be feeling much better.  

This morning I was outside having my coffee and smoke -- it was still dark and very quiet -- my thinking time.  Today should have been our day in court -- instead the mother was on a plane flying off to her boyfriend for a 3 week holiday.  We know someone who is going to report her to Welfare.  She is not supposed to leave the province for more than 7 days -- never mind the country.  I don't have much hope that this government agency will care any more than the family court system.... but ya never know.

And I was examining the relationship with the lil one.  I have noticed an uppity attitude towards me......she hasn't said the words -- but I feel them as much as if she had said "YOU are not the boss of me!"  This feeling has been building over the last few weeks -- I have tried to ignore it but I can't.  
And Sir Steve has snapped at me a couple of times when I have offered an opinion... 
And I am slowly coming to realize I am not her teacher ... not her tutor and most definitely not her parent.  I am nothing.  So I will distance myself from them both .... I have become too invested in this family thing.  I guess that needs to change.
Lesson learned.
 

Sunday Sentiments

This is most definitely my motto...........

LOL Day two

Well yesterday was a record for The Journey with 13 comments -- and a couple from some new folks YAY!!  It was so much fun checking the comments all day -- and yes it was as good as getting mail when I was a kid.

I started The Journey 12 1/2 years ago.  At the beginning I thought I could only write about BDSM -- and in the beginning it was all I wanted to write about.... I was so sure of what I wanted/needed back then... and there has been more than a little angst on here.... there were times I took the blog down for a few days -- thinking I'd never come back but I always did... more than once I questioned why I was writing a BDSM blog when most of what I was writing was vanilla -- and a lot of you urged me just to write -- that you'd be here if I was writing about BDSM ... or my kids at school .. or the bouts with cancer ... or my soul searching or my rants.

And so I wrote ...... and continue to write ....... 

Thank you to my lurkers and my regular readers and commentors -- you're all very special 'friends'........

Today's THE day!! LOL day

Well today IS the day -- LOL day.  Thanks to Hermione for keeping up the tradition.  If you want to check out her blog it is HERE.

Other blogs come up with such good ideas to encourage our lurkers to come out of the shadows for the LOL posts -- things like 'for every comment I will take a spanking" to offering to answer any question folks ask.  

I don't have any clever incentives to offer -- just a warm welcome and a hope that you will leave a "hi" in the comment section.  (you don't have to have an account or a screen name -- you can post anonymously)

When folks do post on my blog (doesn't happen often) it feels like when I was a kid and would get a letter in the mail (yes I'm THAT old!!) Seriously folks this is much easier than actually mailing me a letter -- just click the comment button and write a word or two.. 

 It is - after all - the whole point of the day -- to celebrate our lurkers!!!! 



(cheeky grin) and who knows maybe my Sir Steve will leave a comment - he's my biggest lurker!!

Broken and can't be fixed

Early Tuesday morning when I got up -- I did my 'poke' test.  Inside didn't feel right -- physically I was fine -- but something didn't feel 'right' -- something felt broken - and it hurt.  Deep inside me.

I have tried for so long to be strong when it comes to the mother and grandmother and all their nastiness.  I have pulled myself up after each episode -- I have slogged on after each episode -- I have continued to 'fight the good fight' (I guess) after each episode.

BUT this time it feels like something broke deep inside me -- it feels like it will never be fixed again.  

I have no say in anything that happens.  I have no control over any of this.  I am the 'outsider'. 

I honestly don't know what direction life will take now -- 
I do know I love Sir Steve with my whole being and I'm not going anywhere -- but I also know I just can't be as emotionally invested in his family -- in his problems -- in his lil one.

And that is not a good thing.

Are you lurking out there??

Eight years ago I wrote my first blog entry for LOL day .. you can read it HERE.

I haven't done it for the last few years -- but thought I might do it again this year.  The official dates for LOL day are November 17th and 18th 

I hope all my quiet ones will drop by and leave a little 'hello' or some pearls of wisdom..... 

See you all then.

Can I give up?

We had another date for the custody hearing -- in two weeks.  We found out mother will be out of town on another holiday and not available for the court date.

We found out the court date has been changed? BUT -  there is NO new date for the custody hearing

We are still in limbo 

It has been over 14 months that mother has been dragging her heels -- what is it with the court system??!!!! 

Colour me pissed off -- angry -- frustrated -- and very sad!

Play Time

The stars finally aligned this weekend -- and despite my 'sexy' track pants on Friday night we played (hard) on Saturday night.

It started with his hands (dear god I love his hands!) and moved to the crop and the paddle and the quirt -- and knives of course ......

And it hurt !
And I bitched and 'whimpered' and wiggled
I rolled over and Sir Steve simply gave me the 'look' and wiggled a finger and I rolled back over....... 

"Ow" I said.....over and over -- ow ow ow -- fuck ow -- shit ow and there was no pity  
At one point though Sir Steve did lean down and whispered in my ear just after one of my 'ows'  "I do believe you've said that"........ to which the bratty side of me answered "And I'll say it again cause I can! "

Wrong answer !!

O U C H 

A Sadist always gets the last word (grinning)

 

Sunday Sentiments

A little Different View

On this day November 11th can we remember not only those who died during the wars -- those who came home injured -- BUT also all the innocent people who died during the wars.

Is it not time to maybe -- MAYBE?? -- start teaching peace and tolerance and acceptance to our children instead of the glories of guns and wars and death

Is it not time to learn a better way to handle our conflicts / differences? Is it not time to teach a better of living?  

Is it not time for peace?

Andddddddddddd it's FRIDAY!

After the mother trying to get Sir Steve to jump through her hoops ('you have to bring her here by 4 on Friday') Grandmother is picking up from school at 2:30 and we have the whole weekend to ourselves!!

Last night Sir Steve gave me a playful slap on the ass and I said "ohhhhhh yes please!! it's been tooooo long" .  Funny thing he agreed and said that he thought he needed a good session (got some pent up feelings to work off?? - grinning) 

Then joy oh joy -- as life tends to play with our plans -- Sir Steve spent the night on the couch with a tooth ache.  (insert sad face) 

So I have lowered my expectations for the weekend -- found my comfy sweat pants (cause it's damn cold here -- and it SNOWED!) -- and am hoping that the tooth ache tapers off.

BUT whatever will be -- we at least will have the weekend to ourselves 

AND that is a very good thing !

Words

I earned the dubious title of 'brat' because I love -- LOVE -- to play word games.  And unless my Dom / Top was very clear with directions -- no loop holes -- I would do what I wanted -- and explain it away by saying "but that's not exactly what you said".

It was fun at first -- but as time went on and I talked circles around all the Doms in my life -- it really became quite boring.  I always seemed to have the upper hand.

UNTIL

Sir Steve came along.  

I remember one night last summer lying in bed talking with him about something or other and he talked circles around me.  I started laughing and couldn't stop -- finally able to explain between fits of giggles -- how he was the first person who could twist my words to fit his argument -- and it was wonderful!!

He accused me one day of 'whining' -- I was indigent !  I NEVER whine (I explained) I WHIMPER.... and there's a big difference.

Then he said he would get me to 'beg' and I said "I will NEVER beg" ..... but one night in a moment of high sexual arousal and a momentary lapse in thinking I did actually say "I am begging you........... " BUT it was only once and I told him because it was only once it didn't count (cheeky grin)

Oh and I never lie ... EVER!  I might tell white lies ... or fib... but it's only to protect the poor person I am talking to.........after all most folks need some protection from me....(cheekier grin)

Well ........ I blew all the wins I have had with word games the other day on the blog entry "YES" .  That night when we climbed into bed Sir Steve turned me and said "you realize it's now out there declared publicly -  forever right?"  .... I laid for a moment thinking -- couldn't figure out what he was talking about -- then it hit me and I burst out laughing -- then spluttered and tried to explain -- the word beg was simply literary license -- it was only to make the reading more interesting -- authors did it all the time -- it didn't make it TRUE" -- splutter splutter splutter -- but Sir Steve just kept grinning at me and said "Publicly - forever".  

BUT just so you all know -- I do NOT beg -- only happened once -- and that reference on YES was simply literary license.
(do ya think he'll change his opinion now this is public??!!)

From my side.......

Lilac left a comment on 'Not Available' -- I would really like to answer her in depth for a number of reasons ....  

I’m on the other side here in this one. I left my little one in the US. It was heartbreaking and unimaginable but I did.

You know there’s a safety warning before the plane takes off every time. It’s that you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first . Even before you put it on your own child. You need to survive first in order to save your child or others.

I don’t know in details about this full custody battle. But some mothers leave their children so that their children will have a better life even if it’s without them. I never asked for a child custody. I never will. The best I can do for my little one was putting her in my will as the sole heir. 

 Let me give you a wee bit of history about the exwife

It was commonly known she was looking for a man to take care of her so she never had to work again.
I observed her at munches etc where she seemed to be all about drama (which is why I never got that close to her)
I observed her when she was pregnant and it seemed to me it was all "look at me I am pregnant" (to me more drama -- but that's me)
Then Sir Steve and she were getting married........ and I kinda lost track of them...

Then 2 summers ago I noticed she had changed her profile on Fetlife to single.  I was shocked and sent her a message asking what had happened.  What she wrote back to me didn't make sense -- it certainly didn't describe the Sir Steve I knew.  She described him as abusive and a bully .... I couldn't believe it -- and called her on it.  (Don't forget I had played with him and gotten to know him very well a few years before all this)

Then I heard the long story -- the one where Youth Protection had been called because she didn't take care of the lil one -- because all she did was yell at the lil one - because her only interest was in sitting on the sofa reading /doing cross stitch / playing on the computer.

Ok let's stop there -- that makes her a bad mom -- a not suitable mom.  NOW if she had had any common sense she would have quietly left the home -- left the lil one in the custody of her dad -- admitting she wasn't "Mom" material.  

BUT she didn't.
She proceeded to deny any orders against her from Youth Protection.
She proceeded to play the victim announcing Sir Steve had kicked her out of the house -- poor me attitude.

AND then she decided to go for full custody of the child.  The child she doesn't take care of when she does have her (example -- no baths, no hair brushing no teeth brushing and a whole lot of yelling)  the child she quite happily forgets about when better plans come up

AND then she demanded the court give her spousal support.

AND then she said she wanted joint custody -- though she doesn't even live in the same city as the lil one which would make getting her to school and activities next to impossible.

IF Lilac she was like you -- wanting the best for her child -- she wouldn't be fighting for custody -- wouldn't be making Sir Steve's life a continuing challenge.

But in my less than professional opinion she is a narcissist (as is her mother) -- wanting to hurt and upset anyone who doesn't put her on a pedestal -- anyone challenges her -- 

She only has her interests at heart -- her child is just a prop for her ego -- a money grab -- and a way to hurt Sir Steve.

Y E S !

After over a month of no sex we finally managed to both feel better on the same night with energy!  

I always forget how amazing sex with Sir Steve is - seriously ..... I remember it makes me feel good BUT the intricate details I forget.....How he slowly - inch by inch - slides into me -- making me catch my breath -- so slowly it drives me crazy -- feeling every ridge every pulsing vein enter me

And then when he's almost all the way in ..... he stops.... I hold my breath and look up at him and he is smirking at me -- teasing me -- feeling my body pulse against him -- feeling me wiggle trying to take all of him - wanting him to start moving... wanting 'it' to start....... 

Then it does start -- and he pounds into me -- hitting my cervix making me gasp and moan -- and call his name -- wanting him to slow down -- but not wanting him to slow down -- wanting more .. faster and harder... never wanting it to end.

And all the time his eyes are fixed on my face -- watching me -- judging how close I am ... and the Sadist comes out to play and as I reach that point -- that glorious point -- he stops ...... H E    S T O P S !! and grins at me as I wiggle and whine and beg...... 

He is a Sadist -- and I love it !!

We are both feeling better -- and that is a very good thing !

Sunday Sentiments

Not Available

Last weekend when Sir Steve picked up the lil one and was leaving -- the mother said "I can't have her next weekend I am busy"..... and shut the door.  In just over 2 weeks the mother will be taking her 3rd holiday since May and be gone for 2 1/2 weeks.  

It pisses me off -- for a lot of reasons.  AND it is teaching me about being a step parent and how little control I have -- tough lesson for this old bird to learn.

BUT I do wonder what it teaches the lil one.  She apparently told a parent at the bus stop yesterday that she wasn't going to see 'mommy' this weekend -- she was gonna have fun with Daddy and (insert my name here) and the animals.  I am (honestly I AM) glad she accepts these change of weekend plans without a blip.  It says a lot about Sir Steve's going with the flow -- and hiding his true feelings from the lil one.  

I went looking for meme about dead beat moms -- do you know there are hardly any??!!  one or two only compared to pages and pages of memes about dead beat dads..... someone should fix that!!  Some dads are f**king amazing -- stepping up to the plate all the time -- every time -- and in my opinion they don't get enough credit.

AND ya know what else bugs me.......... even if the court comes through with the final order of full custody for Sir Steve and weekends / holidays for mom -- nothing will change. This selfish - self centered - egotistical bitch will still decide when / if she is taking the lil one.  Our life will still be controlled by her whims.

This is truly a new learning curve for me............

Slow Process

As most of you know I started tidying/sorting/changing Sir Steve's house a few months ago.  His exwife removing all her 'stuff' out of the house (no matter how upsetting that was) was the best thing that could have happened.... even Sir Steve admitted that.  It forced him (and me) to move forward - to fill in the blank spaces -- and then to add some finishing touches.

The front hall way was one of the last bits to be done.  There had been this flimsy coat hook thingy that the lil one really couldn't reach to hang up her coats/sweaters and there was no place for adult coats. (they tended to get tossed on a chair in the living room)  And 90% of the pictures in the house were her choosing.  

So I got Sir Steve motivated and we picked new coat hooks for the front hallway -- for both adults and children....... and I convinced him that we could replace the pictures really cheaply by buying some frames that matched the wood work in the house (shelves tables etc) and I could use some photographic magic to produce pictures that clearly represented "US"..... ( fortunately Sir Steve has a love of all things oriental too) 

Yesterday we started adding the finishing touches to the house......... Honestly it feels like a brand new space.......

front hallway

some of the pictures over Sir Steve's chair.... 

And there has been a side effect to all these changes -- to claiming life for ourselves -- Sir Steve hasn't really celebrated Halloween in a few years AND he admitted it has been 4 years since he had any Christmas spirit.

The house looked amazing for Halloween -- and Sir Steve and the lil one laughed together as they cut out a pumpkin and they both went trick or treating.  Now we all get a month to plod along and then Christmas will start. It is time that more than the physical things get renovated and updated... it is time for the joie de vivre to return to this house -- bringing with it laughter and fun and love.

And that is a very good thing!
 

Missing

It may have only been 3 or 4 weeks that I've been under the weather -- and a couple of weeks of Sir Steve's knee problems..... but honestly it feels like forever.

We climb into bed -- and if I'm not hacking up a lung instantly -- and he's not trying to find a comfortable way to lie -- we just lie side by side barely touching.  Even our quiet after dark talks have dwindled off to nothing.  

After the cat has had her snuggles with him -- we kiss good night and turn the lights off.

This morning I was feeling as though we are reverting to best friends Or (worse than that) an old married couple.  

I am getting cranky 
I am getting bitchy
I need to be fucked

Now if I could just find some energy ..............