The Talk !

Sir Steve enrolled the lil one in gymnastics the other day -- her first class is today.  Tomorrow she is going to her mother's for the extended visit.  That left us last evening to talk with the lil one about courts and custody and changes.

Yesterday morning Sir Steve had an appointment to meet with her teacher .... he gave her a copy of the court order and discussed what we can all do to make this transition easier on the lil one.  

Then when the lil one came home from school -- had her snack and her 60 minutes of television -- we sat her down and started to explain 'divorce' ... 'custody'..... courts and judges.  When you stop and think -- that's a HUGE amount of information to absorb when you are 5.  

I think we did everything as close to right as possible -- explaining how mommy and daddy have to share her -- that mommy and daddy both love her even if they don't love each other anymore.  That it will be a new experience going to school from Mommy's house -- no school bus -- and a bit of a long drive to school.  BUT that she will get on the school bus at the end of the day and come home to me and daddy.  AND that she could phone Daddy on Sunday nights and say good night.  (thankfully she has learned her phone number)

There were some tears...... and she complained about pains in her tummy.  She went in her bedroom and pulled on a BIG hoody - zipped it up and pulled the hood down covering her face.  I watched her from my vantage point..... trying to judge how she was dealing ..........  slowly her tummy improved and she pulled out her colouring and sat at her desk.... slowly the hood came off........... By dinner time she was her old self again.

This morning all the talk was about starting gymnastics ..... and making new friends... and she told me her strategy to accomplish that.  "I'll just go in and say to the kids 'what's your name'? and they'll tell me and I'll tell them my name...... AND then we'll be friends!!"  The simplicity and confidence when you're 5! 

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In other news -- Sir Steve and I have a very busy Easter Weekend.  
Friday eldest daughter and fiance are coming for dinner 
Saturday we have a play party/pot luck to go to 
Sunday we have Easter Brunch at youngest daughters.

Keeping busy when life is topsy turvy is a very good thing !

Lesson Learned (I hope)

It was about a year ago -- a Friday evening -- I had arrived at Sir Steve's for the weekend and he told me a friend wanted to drop by...... she had something really important to talk to him about...... 

She came in and talked -- in that gossipy excited "I know something you don't know" way.  I listened intently.  She wanted to know after her tale what Sir Steve was gonna do... how was he gonna react.  

(side note -- this 'friend' had been friends with Sir Steve's ex-wife since they were young girls)  

When she left I was blunt (geeeeee me blunt !  go figure) and I told Sir Steve I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her.... she delighted in gossip -- and I was sure she was gonna take any gossip she picked up from him right back to the mother -- her friend.  Sir Steve assured me that she was on his side -- she had seen what the mother had done to the lil one -- she KNEW ! 

I backed off.  I told myself it was none of my business -- what did I know (really know) about these people -- about the friends that were now in Sir Steve's life 10 years after I had known him.
 (but as time went on -- and she didn't get information from me -- or finally Sir Steve -- she stopped being 'our best friend' - stopped coming by)

Fast forward to the summer up at the campgrounds to the first time I met the ex-wife's sister.  A tough dike -- a pot smoking hard drinking dike.  She couldn't wait to come over to our site -- to see if Sir Steve needed any help building his new deck - needed any help at all.  

At first my hackles were up -- WHY was his ex-sister in law showing such an interest in us -- in what we were doing -- in spending so much time with us?? BUT Sir Steve told me she was ok -- she had been his rock the summer the mother left -- she had spent night after night sitting on his campsite with him ... drinking with him.... helping him cope with the heart break.

So I backed off.

AND yes I will admit it -- after weeks of getting to know her -- I trusted her. I let my guard down and opened up to her.. though I did ask once how she could say those things about her sister and mother ..... but I trusted her.  

There were times she would take the lil one for a few hours and give Sir Steve and I some precious time alone.  She would sit by our campfire at night and smoke up and drink herself into a stupor.  

There were times that she was sexually inappropriate with me --  I shut her down... she made me feel uncomfortable. (though everyone else found my discomfort amusing)  When she wasn't doped up and/or drunk she was a really sweet person. 

AND she was so supportive of us.  She would give us information about what the mother was doing - when she was going away.  She told us she was advising them to keep us in the loop.  When the family came to remove the mother's belongings from the house (in the fall) -- she assured us she would come too -- she would get it down quickly -- she would keep her mother at bay and her sister under control.  She seemed to be the mediator we needed to deal with the family.


THEN
we went to court on Thursday.  

And we heard words twisted and lies told and we knew where they had come from.  Lies told how we couldn't wait to push the lil one off on her mother.... we didn't want her.  We couldn't handle her.

AND 
my head spun.
my stomach hurt.
my heart felt like it was torn from my chest.

IT was all my fault!  I trusted her -- I believed her.  I loved that she took the lil one from time to time and gave Sir Steve and I time alone -- I was selfish!  That selfishness had not allow me to see what was really happening............. I hadn't felt the knife being thrust into my back with each sweet smile -- with each offer of help. 

Some how this was all my fault!  I had shut down my instincts.  I had shut out the voices in my head.  I had ignored the red flags.  And this was the consequence.

Thursday after court and all day yesterday I have struggled with the betrayal.. with the lies told..... with wanting to cut out her heart and hand it back to her.  I have been angry with myself.... and I have been bleeding for Sir Steve -- for his pain -- for his having to deal with the lies that were told in court.

Things will be different this summer!  I will not trust anyone.  I will keep my thoughts to myself.  I will be a big strong walled fortress around our 'happy kingdom' ... I will keep the trolls and the gnomes out.  (even if it is a bit like closing the barn door after the cow has escaped)

I have learned my lesson -- I hope !

 

Naked Truth (and an FFF update)

We spent 1 1/2 hours in court yesterday -- it felt much longer than that.  Despite it being 2018 - we managed to get a female judge who firmly believes children should be at worst 50/50 with their parents -- and I am guessing -- at best 100% with their mother.  I can't get over how many people still believe that just because you spread your legs and pushed another human being out of your belly you qualify for "Mother of the Year".

SO
This judge wanted one week with Mother one week with Father.  One problem with that brilliant idea -- mother lives almost one hour away from the school.  Can you imagine what time the lil one is gonna have to get up (especially on wintery mornings) to get to school for 8:00 a.m.??!!!

We wanted status quo -- mother has her every weekend -- summers are one week on one week off -- and the holidays are shared.  

The judge decided (Sir Steve says he felt bullied into this) that the mother will pick up from school Friday afternoons and return her to school on Monday mornings.  This is for a trial period (we have no idea how long that trial is) 
The suspicion Sir Steve's lawyer has -- IF this works then the judge will rule for one week on - one week off as the final judgement.  We are gonna fight that..... Sir Steve has contacted the teacher and he's hoping to have an appointment with her next week

Know what breaks my heart ??!!  The lil one calls this place HOME...... not the mother's ... HERE is HOME!  and the courts don't seem to care.

Neither Sir Steve nor I know how to tell the lil one.......though we have two weeks to find the words.......... 

I hate to say it BUT I am hoping the lil one struggles with this change -- that she acts up in school -- at home -- that she gives us a reason to fight this ........ fight it with everything we've got......  
BUT truthfully the lil one is so adaptable -- we did such a good job building up going to Mom's on weekends (she used to call Sir Steve 3-4 times every weekend asking to come HOME) -- building up what fun it will be -- I believe she will work this out........ 

AND I want her to work it out -- I want her to be happy and adjust well to this change... 
BUT on the other hand I don't want her to be happy and adjusted -- I want the courts to say she is better off with her father... and I know that is so very wrong of me !!

Talk about 'mixed emotions' 
colour me very sad

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On the upside -- I weighed myself for FFF and I have lost all the weight I put on -- YAY!  and except for yesterday when I did a whole lot of emotional eating -- I am back recording every morsel of food that I eat and keeping my calorie intact down to my calorie burn...... 

Justice ?

Just before I left for my luncheon date yesterday I heard from Sir Steve.

It seems that all the reports for the court were delivered just before noon yesterday - exactly 24 hours before we go to court.  No time to read them or discuss them.
CAS has lifted the supervised visitation (without any follow ups) 

It just seems too much.

The tension headache hit ........ and now I suffer.

It's all up to the lawyers now......... Sir Steve wants full custody and guardianship.

Please keep a good thought for us and for the lil one.

This 'n That

Today is the first day of spring...... temperature 0 Celsius with sunshine... low tonite -8 Celsius......... (BIG sigh)  Who knows when we'll see spring temperatures here in the Great White North......... maybe June?!

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Late last week -- abby left this comment on my blog.......  

 And..I came here to read updates...decided to try your links and was able to get into blogs that I have not been able to access...

I was wondering abby -- were you having trouble with your links for the blogs??? cause funny enough I have been having trouble accessing some blogs... I would get to that warning page that it was 'adult content' BUT when I hit the enter button -- it wouldn't open..  I was beginning to think I would have to post a "I'm sorry I haven't been commenting but........... " and then suddenly I was able to get in to them again... curious!

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The other bit of news -- which is kinda occupying our minds full time this week -- we are off to court again on Thursday for the custody hearing.  Ever watch the movie "Groundhog Day"??? cause that's what it feels like........ 

The mother has not produced her medical report or her mental health report AND the Youth Protection (CAS) has not been back for the follow up appointment and has not filed their findings with the court.  We had that confirmed yesterday by Sir Steve's lawyer. 

Sir Steve has filed his papers as required -- and we have sent them all the documentation we have on mother's neglect/ignorance........ Also how mother refuses to communicate with Sir Steve.

So -- just like in September, in November and again in January -- Sir Steve will take the afternoon off work,  he's arranged a baby sitter to pick the lil one up at the school bus, we'll get dressed up and head down to family court and 10 minutes after we arrive we'll be on our way home again with yet another postponement.  

 

Down the Rabbit Hole

Each time we go to court -- afterwards -- I seem to go down the rabbit hole....... 

This time was the worst -- I fell further than ever before and didn't know how to climb back out.

Saturday morning Sir Steve went out to run some messages and when he came home we had a long long talk...... and I cried and cried.......... He took me by the hand and pulled me into the bedroom.

He had me strip and lay on the bed.  He left the room and when he came back he had a lit candle.... and massage oil.  I am not big on massages.....not even close........ but lying there feeling his hands work the oil into my body -- rubbing and stroking it -- working the tight muscles loose felt like heaven.  I felt myself melting into the bed.......felt the stress easing... felt the bond between us building again

We had a lovely afternoon in bed -- and then a spur of the moment dinner out at a local restaurant.

Sunday -- despite the wonderful afternoon on Saturday -- I awoke with knots in my stomach again........ 

But Sir Steve pulled me into the bedroom again around noon -- and the brat came out to play.  I wiggled away from him .... squiggled and wiggled -- nipped and bit -- he tickled and I screeched.  We wrestled and played -- and suddenly nipple clamps were applied and I froze..... laid very still ...... eyes big........... He actually clamped them on!!!  WTF??!!  but I loved it as much as I whimpered over them.......

And the afternoon in bed was amazing -- great!!  emotionally healing for me...... 

The lil one came home around dinner time -- turns out 'mother' is not going away -- we are unsure as to whether she was fed misinformation or if she dreamed it up... but at this point I don't much care we have more weekends to ourselves -- more bonding time... more breathing space for me......... 

Life is good when you find your way out of the 'rabbit hole'..... 

Aftermath

That pic pretty much describes my day yesterday -- every day after another postponement -- my day after any contact for any reason with the family.

I am tired ya know?  My heart hurts.  All the good advice (given and posted) about not letting negative people influence your life -- not letting them in -- kicking them to the curb -- just doesn't work for me.  

This time it is taking me much longer to bounce back.

The tears are just behind my eyes - ready to spill over.  Yesterday was a weepy sort of day -- Missy (the cat) spent most of the day curled up tight against me.  Then late in the afternoon I was chatting with my eldest daughter and the tears spilled over -- hell more than spilled over -- I sat here typing to her sobbing.  The dog was whining and when I looked over at her she suddenly jumped up and jumped onto the sofa -- put her paws against my chest and started licking my face.  

Sir Steve came in with a Tim Horton's french vanilla (a treat) and candy for me.  Everyone is trying so hard to make me feel better and I feel guilty cause I am really having trouble shaking these emotions this time.

AND that makes me feel guilty too -- I want to be happy and full of piss and vinegar -- cheeky bratty subbie -- driving Sir Steve nuts on our two days alone.......... but I'm not there .....not yet.  

Lies My Mother Told Me..........

For years and years and years I was told to never lie -- to always tell the truth ...and to give people the benefit of the doubt.  AND to live a good life following the rules and laws. And I would come out on top!

However the hardest thing I have had to deal with in this custody battle is how much they LIE and bend the truth and smile sweetly innocently and plead they are the ones hard done to. 

In court and with CAS the mother puts on the perfect mother act -- the poor mother act -- the misunderstood - mistreated mom.  She has done nothing wrong.

I do not have proof beyond a doubt -- but pretty damn close that they are doing their best to alienate the lil one from her father and myself.  Last night was the lastest example -- "where's my skate board that mommy gave me " asked while she was in the bath -- "where did you put it"?  We gave it back to mommy -- it's not age appropriate .......... she acted as though she didn't believe us.  We have gut feelings that she has been led to believe we have thrown out all her special toys given to her by my mommy...... reinforced by the comments of the CAS worker who was suprised -- genuinely surprised that there were pictures on her walls of mommy and family and toys filling the shelves.

BUT let's not get long winded -- let's look at documentations (that can be backed up by independent folks -- so not innuendos from us) 

1) Mother couldn't get the child to shower for her during the summer
2) Mother didn't have soap to wash the child
3) Mother lost the child any number of times during the summer and would wander over to our campsite (and other sites) and ASK if anyone knew where she was
4) one of those misplaced child episodes -- the child was found by an independent camper down at the front gate at the beach unsupervised
5) the mother has no boundaries or sense of personal space and would come up on our deck uninvited -- one time even opening our trailer door without knocking
6) Mother goes away for weeks on end (4 trips since May and another coming up in a week or so) and never once calls her lil one to say hello -- and rarely gives us more than 48 hours heads up about her not being able to take the lil one for her visitation

Fast Forward to Fall 
and accusations we weren't keeping mother up to date on progress at school............

1) we sent homework over a weekend -- assignment to practice printing the lil one's name -- it wasn't done and we had to do it Sunday night
2) rhyming words  were to be practiced over the weekend -- never done
3) last Thursday trip to Emerg and a prescription for ventolin and aero chamber -- Sir Steve tried to explain how to use it -- Mother shut him down and said her mother - the grandmother would do it
4) hospital bracelet was left on so the lil one could show the teacher on Friday and mommy.  The bracelet was not removed till Sunday evening -- when Sir Steve cut the bracelet off the wrist was red and rashy and in parts was like raw hamburger meat.  We have spent 5 days treating it and it still looks like this...............

BUT none of this counts in court......... poor lil mother -- needs another postponement to get her ducks in a row.  The law says cases like this must -- MUST - be closed in a 12 month period.  We are currently on 16 months -- and now have another 2 month delay.

AND we keep hearing that we must realize these delays are in the best interest of the child -- finding the BEST solution for the child.  It boggles my mind!!!
What are the courts waiting for -- the child to be abducted from the front gate of the campsite where the weekenders camp -- folks we don't know -- who come and go and are never seen again?? For the child to be playing in the lake unsupervised and drown?? for the child to get hit by a car??  For something more serious than a rash from a hospital bracelet that was neglected?? 

What's the point of living a good life -- of being kind to liars and cheats -- giving them second and third chances??  Good guys do seem to finish last -- and in this case the child is the one who will suffer the consequences -- if something doesn't happen soon!

Today

Today is our date in family court -- to settle the custody issue.

BUT we know how that's gonna turn out -- it will be postponed AGAIN -- until CAS has all their ducks in a row.

The delays and postponements are extremely stressful for both Sir Steve and I.  And I don't understand why the judge can't rule on custody and guardianship and rule that the supervised visits remain in place until CAS is finished their investigation.   The supervised visits is just a very small part of this court case....... (le sigh)

So off to court we go -- knowing full well it will be postponed yet again.

Merry Go Round

From foggy glasses to merry go rounds -- 

CAS (youth protection) came to visit the other day.  Not because of us -- but because there is a judgement against the mother..... she can only have supervised visits (supervised by her parents)

When he got around to visiting with the lil one in her room -- the surprise in his voice when he saw the pictures on the walls and the toys was obvious.  It was obvious that he had been fed a line by the mother.... poor lil child -- wicked step mother and father -- getting rid of all her toys and pictures (memories) of her mother.  Yeah well there is a whole huge collage on her wall of her mother and grandparents with her!!  The walls are filled with pictures given to her by her mother ...........AND her room is full of toys.  

This CAS worker asked a million questions -- I gave him the documentation from last summer -- and pointed out that as some people rely on innuendos -- the documentation he had in his hands could be verified by witnesses!  (see my small stamp of my foot)

He diplomatically and politely -- directly and indirectly -- kept trying to get us to agree to unsupervised visits.  He asked Sir Steve what worried him most about this....... Sir Steve said he was worried mother would leave the country with the lil one.  The 'brilliant' CAS worker suggested we get a court order that would not allow her to take the child out of the country -- I pointed out to him quite firmly that it was a law !  for god's sakes!! and we didn't need a court order -- AND he knew as well as we did that children were still being abducted by parents and guardians and taken out of the country -- dear god -- don't waste your breath and time trying to sweep that under the rug !!

He ran on at the mouth about how mother could very well have improved her parenting skills........... I pointed out there was no way we could know that for a fact -- anymore than she could know if there were pictures and toys in the lil one's room!

He ran on at the mouth about improving communication between father and mother -- ignoring the fact that mother has all but shut down communications.  

He ran on at the mouth about this all being about the lil one....... really??? REALLY??!!  us worrying about her safety is not about the lil one???!!!

And I kept getting this image -- it was foggy and I couldn't see it clearly........ it was really bothering me -- I knew it was there -- just over there........ but what WAS it??

This judgement was supposed to be reviewed and settled within a year -- it is now 18 months.  My gut tells me this case has been put in his pile of cases and he's been told to get it closed.

My gut tells me closed really means lifting the supervised visits.  Otherwise every year it will have to be reviewed again -- sort of like parole cases ya know........ and every year we are gonna have to fight to keep the judgement.

AND in my gut I think there is no point in fighting this judgement -- the only way the court and CAS are gonna see the truth is (god forbid!!)  the lil one is badly hurt.  

And now I am on a merry go round -- flying past the image -- catching glimpses of it -- only glimpses......... and feeling my stomach knot with every whirl past.

The best I can do -- whatever the court and CAS and Sir Steve decide to do -- is teach the lil one her father's cell number -- her campsite number -- her address -- and some street sense....... and do it quickly before the baby bird is pushed out of the safety of the nest to fly.............

Broken and can't be fixed

Early Tuesday morning when I got up -- I did my 'poke' test.  Inside didn't feel right -- physically I was fine -- but something didn't feel 'right' -- something felt broken - and it hurt.  Deep inside me.

I have tried for so long to be strong when it comes to the mother and grandmother and all their nastiness.  I have pulled myself up after each episode -- I have slogged on after each episode -- I have continued to 'fight the good fight' (I guess) after each episode.

BUT this time it feels like something broke deep inside me -- it feels like it will never be fixed again.  

I have no say in anything that happens.  I have no control over any of this.  I am the 'outsider'. 

I honestly don't know what direction life will take now -- 
I do know I love Sir Steve with my whole being and I'm not going anywhere -- but I also know I just can't be as emotionally invested in his family -- in his problems -- in his lil one.

And that is not a good thing.

Can I give up?

We had another date for the custody hearing -- in two weeks.  We found out mother will be out of town on another holiday and not available for the court date.

We found out the court date has been changed? BUT -  there is NO new date for the custody hearing

We are still in limbo 

It has been over 14 months that mother has been dragging her heels -- what is it with the court system??!!!! 

Colour me pissed off -- angry -- frustrated -- and very sad!