Struggling

This love we have was not without it's internal struggles -- especially on my side.  What was I bringing to this relationship??? There is a huge age difference between us --  I swore up down and sideways I would never date (never mind fall in love) with someone so much younger than myself.  After all what would we have in common?? Our life experiences would drive wedges between us -- I was sure!!!

But surprise surprise we haven't had a problem ..... must be my "Peter Pan Complex" (never wanting to grow up) ....... And I am getting used to the looks people give us when we are together -- and the being called "grandma" when I am with the lil one (though it confuses the hell out of her )

There are still days that I look at the saggy skin and wrinkles and hate the 'old' body that seems to have just suddenly appeared.  There are still days that I look at Sir Steve and worry he is gonna take the rose coloured glasses off and see me for who I am...... BUT most of the time I am ok 

The only real serious worry I have -- the one that keeps me awake at night -- is -- I don't want to EVER be a burden to Sir Steve.  I want to be strong and independent for EVER!! I don't want him to ever regret this relationship.

And that worry is building and building this week.

You see on Thursday morning Sir Steve will drive me back to Kingston to see my cancer doctor.  I will go through the invasive test .... and find out if the cancer is back.  This is the first time I have been allowed to go a year without re-testing or monitoring as they call it.  It has been 2 years since there was any cancer found -- which means I should have a positive attitude right -- 2 years cancer free!!  BUT I'm not even remotely confident. I am scared stiff........ sick to my stomach scared.....not sleeping sick.....not focused sick....... wanting to hide in the house sick.

I don't expect to post anything till this procedure is over -- good or bad -- I'll post the results.......... but till then my mind just isn't focused enough to write here.........

Not a good day

For over a year I have been seeing a therapist -- she has literally held me together through the uncollaring -- the moving out on my own -- my eating problems -- my anxiety -- all of it!

She phoned me the other evening to tell me she is giving up her practice ........ I still have 2 appointments -- one next week actually -- but she didn't want to drop it on me -- she wanted to give me time to process before I saw her.  She that's kind of therapist -- is it any wonder I am in shock and filled with anxiety.

How am I gonna do this on my own now??? that's the only question that keeps rolling around in my head.  I talked with CG ....... she told me to make a list of questions...... but I don't have any -- except how am I gonna do this alone??  I can barely breathe.......... 

so yeah -- yesterday was not a good day.

Tough Day

Today is a tough day.  It is the day before I go back to the hospital for my cancer test.  After 3 years you'd think it would be easier.  But in 3 years I have never gone a full year without it coming back.  And the worst part really -- I have never had any symptoms.... even 3 years ago when they discovered the first large tumor.

I need to be distracted today -- so I am going up to visit CG and the kids -- and as an added bonus.... Hands will be around as well.  I will spend a few hours with them -- play with the kids -- have lunch -- and for a few hours not have to do the "what if's" 

I feel very blessed to have someone like CG in my life.  She said to me last week -- when we were talking about this test -- that she was sure everything would be fine -- and if it wasn't -- they were right here to pick it up.

And -- if it was clear -- then a celebration was in order with wine.   Here's to a celebration with wine!

I won't post tomorrow -- at least until I get home from the hospital.  Keep a good thought for me ..........

Trying to be Strong and Independent

One of the most dificult things for me during this learning period - learning to be strong
and learning to be independent and learning to stand on my own two feet - is learning to ask for help.  I always feel I am imposing ................ and so I don't ask.

BUT there are times that one really should ask for help.  Like now.  3 months ago I had my regular cancer test.  A friend took me.  (I knew he was squeezing me in between family obligations - but despite my pleas to forget about his promise he took me) AND of course the doctor for the first time was running 30 minutes late AND then he had to perform surgery which made me even later I was SO stressed.

So when this appointment appeared on my calendar I looked for someone else who might agree to take me.  I asked a friend who had volunteered before.  She said yes.  BUT now it turns out she has obligations and she is stressing over how long the appointment will be and will I be out of there for sure by 10:30.  I don't FUCKING know! 

and I am stressed - to the eye teeth. 

I am scared enough that they are gonna find another tumour - and I will require more on the spot surgery.  Now I am stressing that it can't take more than an hour because she has to leave ................ so I am gonna thank her and say next time - maybe.

Which means I am now left with no one to take me.  

and that is scary .......... and makes me feel alone.  I could take a taxi and will probably have to....... but there is something about having a friend there to hold your hand - and if god forbid - they find another tumour - to rub your back or give you a hug.

This being strong and independent sucks donkey balls.  BIG TIME

 

Tough Day Ahead - Updated

I am back from the test - which turned out to be minor surgery.  The news wasn't GREAT - but it wasn't bad bad either.  The cancer was back - but the doc was able to remove it in the office (can I say OUCH)... I am now on "light duties" for a couple of days (as I sit and stare at all the boxes yet to be unpacked)  AND I am back to going for tests every 3 months - instead of inching forward to once a year..............
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today is my 6month check for cancer. Like always I am "scared shitless".

I keep thinking I don't think I could handle a reappearance of the cancer - not now - not when I am trying to stand on my own two feet - sometimes pretending I have this "living alone" under control....... but mostly feeling just a little lost and stupid and overwhelmed.

So if you could just keep me in your thoughts today - I think I could use all the positive vibes I can get.........

My mantra for today is - I CAN do this !! I can I can I can...........

Get it?

Stupid Me

It has been pointed out to me - more than once - that I tend to see the world through rose coloured glasses.  Shrug.  Maybe I do.  BUT you'd think wouldn't you that when one tries to do everything right - follow the rules - that they will come out ok - wouldn't you??

Well I worked for 20+ years and put money into what I thought was a private pension plan.  Then when I started to look into retiring I was told that because I worked for the government - that when I turned 65 my government pension would be subtracted from my private pension - which it turns out - the government did NOT consider all that private.  What that means in a nutshell is that come October my pension will be reduced by $200 a month!!!  It made me sick to my stomach then....... more so now.

Then - polishing the rose coloured glasses - my dream had been to move to Kingston when I retired.  My father had done all sorts of research and decided Kingston was the best city to retire to........... it has good hospitals (which one needs when one is "getting on")  it has theater ... it is half way between Montreal and Ottawa and Toronto ......... the taxes are cheaper ........... oh he made it sound like a retirement heaven.

W picked up on MY dream and decided we would move to Kingston (back when we were D/s).  Oh we talked about it in our vanilla voices........ even made promises to each other........... we sorted everything out....... I had my rose coloured glasses firmly planted to my face.... and it all seemed perfect!  I would get to move to my city of choice with the man of my dreams.  

Did I think twice about it?? NO...
Did I do any of my own research in case the promises... the D/s didn't work out ?? NO...


 NOW - I decide to take the rose coloured glasses off and look at what is facing me.... 


IF  - and it is just an IF right now - I have to find an apartment by myself I can't afford it.  Well I could find an apartment if I went to the student ghetto.....but finding a nice apartment in a middle class area - is going to be almost impossible.  
The rents are exorbitant.  To try and make ends meet I will have to give up the gym..... give up munches and dinners out - give up cable (well I might be able to afford basic cable) - maybe have to give up my car (have you seen the price of maintenance/licensing/gas these days??) AND even then I am not sure I will be able to make ends meet.  Am I looking at finding a part time job when all I wanted to do after 30+ years of working was enjoy retirement??

I only have myself to blame!  Dumb and dumber... that's me.  All the "should have's" sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ear........ should have put more money away - should have looked into rents/costs on MY pension - not my father's - should have not sold / gotten rid of all my stuff when I downsized to move here to W's house - should never have put those damn rose coloured glasses on in the first place!!!

It's really frightening how damn stupid I have been !!!!

  
 

Back

I'm backkkkkk did you miss me??

Well that was an interesting/scary day yesterday!

I had to be at the hospital by 12 noon - really??!!!  lunch time??? So W got me checked in then I told him to leave and get some lunch.  

Then I sat and sat and sat - all alone and developing more and more anxiety.  It was truly awful.  I kept giving myself this pep talk that lots of people have surgery by themselves without someone holding their hand...... didn't work.

Finally they came and got me and took me down to the operating room.  (the longest walk in history - I swear!!)  got me all set up on the operating table - IV in  - etc and then they all started looking for my surgeon.  (I swore she had taken a lunch break) .... then they decided my oxygen levels were low and slapped on oxygen and kept telling me to take deep breaths....... I have never had to have oxygen before and I was scared - what was happening???

Finally the surgeon came running into the OR slapping her mask on and said "let's get this done".... I was ordered to take more deep breaths of the oxygen - my anxiety levels were just about through the roof when PUFF - I was gone....... 

I woke up in recovery in a panic.  I didn't know where I was - why I was there and who all these people were.  I could hear someone telling me not to sit up... but I sat up anyway.... I had the worst "fight or flight" response.. where ever I was - I was leaving. 

Finally a female nurse showed up at my bedside and said "you don't remember anything do you?? (smart nurse) .. She patted my arm and said "it's ok it's ok - it happens sometimes that the patient gets amnesia "    She explained about the surgery and asked if I remembered what for....... I shook my head.. and started crying... I was so scared ..,.. amnesia is awful....... a big patch of your life gone........... I was struggling so hard to remember... 

Then I remembered W checking me in......... and then i panicked cause maybe he wasn't here anymore .. wasn't here yet??? The nursing staff kept asking me questions.... and finally I started to remember ..... and the heart rate and blood pressure came down.  They came at me with more oxygen........ I backed up into the bed.. I HATE oxygen - hate how it smells - hate how it feels.  They said you need to have it for a bit.. i said I need to blow my nose - all that crying had stuffed me up... 

I got to blow my nose - BUT - I also got to wear the oxygen.

Finally they brought me some water and arrowroot cookies.  I gobbled them down and drank the water....... then felt like I was gonna puke them all back.  I NEVER puke after surgery!!  I kept taking deep breaths to keep the nausea at bay - cause I knew if I started puking they weren't gonna let me go home.

I started pestering them "when can I leave? Is Warren here ?? does he have my clothes?? when can I leave"... Finally they wheeled me out of the recovery room to where my nurse and Warren were..... I got dressed and somehow managed to get home.  I could barely walk.. wanted to puke ... and felt like death warmed over.

I insisted on pizza (smart choice considering my sick stomach) and finally gave in to the heavy eye lids and fell asleep in my chair in the family room around 7:30.... woke up at 10 said I was going to bed.... and slept till 4:30 this morning.

oh yeah yesterday W said he was sure I had a cold which explained the low oxygen and stuffy nose.. I then remembered I had had a small sore throat on Sunday but it hadn't amounted to much so never mentioned it... Today I have such a stuffy nose!!  and cough... so yeah I guess maybe I did have a cold yesterday - or the beginnings of one...

Today I feel sore - more than sore actually- I feel like I have been raped (forgive my bluntness) ...... I feel worse than last year when they removed the cancer from my bladder!!!  (yeah it was exactly one year ago yesterday - aren't I the consistent one?!)

But it is over.  Now I get to wait for 3 weeks for all the results to come back .. and hopefully they will have an explanation as to why after 15+ years of being post menopausal - I am having periods again.   But for today I will nap and nibble and nap some more....... till my strength is back ...... and I feel like my old bratty self again. 

 

Tired

Tomorrow is my surgery.  They are gonna take out the entire lining of my uterus and then take pictures of the inside of the uterus (god how I HATE having my picture taken - cheeky grin) and then hopefully discover what is causing this reversal of my menopause.

Sounds simple right - routine almost.  The surgery will take 15 - 20 minutes then I will be in recovery for 2 - 4 hours.  Then I can come home.

Then I can wait and wait and wait some more while they collect all the test results.  And then maybe an answer.

I am so scared they are going to say the dreaded "H" word - hysterectomy.  I don't know why - and it's really stupid cause 20 some years ago I begged them to take out my uterus when I had some problems and they said I was too young.  Now when it looms as a possibility I am terrified.  For some reason I am tying my  uterus to my femininity - to what makes me a woman.  And I have this massive fear that I will be damaged goods if they take it out.. a non-functioning woman.... that it will affect my sex drive and my orgasms ........ all of it............ which is REALLY stupid as no one has used me sexually in so long I forget what it feels like.  AND if I go back to using my vibrator and I don't work anymore - am broken - who will know right??? It's not like the men are lining up around the block to fuck me - not this old woman - so what does it matter right??

Except it does.  

I am so tired of feeling old - cast aside - not wanted or needed anymore.  



 

And so it begins again - edited

 I am sorry - to avoid TMI - it seems I have led some of you to believe I am having a hysterectomy.  They haven't got that far in their diagnosis process yet.

They are going to remove all the lining from my uterus in the hopes of discovering why after 15+ years of being post menopausal I am once again having (semi) regular periods.  They will be doing a thorough test of the lining to see if cancer cells are there hiding from the mundane routine tests.  

And thank you all for your support and kind words...  I don't feel quite so alone now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I am not sure who remembers a year ago here on The Journey........ But almost a year to the day I went into hospital to have cancer surgery.  

And being a good lil patient - I have been going for my checkups regularly.

BUT a year ago when they found the cancer - I had a second growth - this one in my uterus - that they removed - declared it benign.  But the symptoms never disappeared.

I have been to see yet another specialist.... tried some pills ..... but the symptoms continue.  When I last saw the specialist she suggested surgery...... in 6 - 8 weeks.  It is so easy to forget those things when you have almost 2 months to wait.

Well I got the call yesterday.  I am going into hospital next Tuesday for the surgery.  Today I got the call - pre op tests on Friday....... 

One year almost to the day ......... and so it begins again.........

(whispering) I am very scared you know.

Family Tree

Our family tree - no actually - MY family tree is a little bent these days.  I won't believe it is broken......... not yet....... just a little bent.

Life does that ..... bends things........ people, trees, hearts.......... but hopefully doesn't break them - doesn't snap them in half.

I wonder some times (like now) if my mother/father ever felt I had left them behind... cut them out of my life ....... found a new family - made a new family and forgot where I came from.  I hope not....... with all my heart I hope I never made my Mom feel I had found something new and better .......... better than the family I grew up in.

And if dealing with this family crap wasn't enough ....... I got a call from the hospital yesterday....... they want to see me. 

Back last spring - if you remember - they found two masses - one in my uterus and one in my bladder.  The one in my uterus was benign........ but I have had some minor issues that just haven't disappeared.  And so I am off to see a new specialist...... tomorrow. 

It is ENOUGH now!!!  I am SO damn tired of feeling scared....... and stressed...... and unhappy.  I just want to live happily ever after ya know?!  And every single time I think I am there - something comes along and knocks me down - again.

W says tomorrow will be nothing........ easy peasy.... they won't find anything that can't be fixed easy peasy.............everything is going to be ok.  He's seldom wrong you know...... I am trying to hold on to his optimism - trying to be brave and strong....... but it just feels a little too much some days. 

And so it begins.................again

I finally heard from the doctor's office.  I have my first test next Wednesday afternoon.  Then two weeks later I go to the doctor's office for the results ....... and probably (more than likely - definitely) a biopsy.

I seem to keep asking you all this over and over again.......... but I sure could use some positive thoughts right about now............ 

Bad Dream

There were voices lots and lots of voices - raised voices - yelling voices 

And I heard my voice yelling "Master John noooooooooooooooo"

And then I heard a woman's voice saying "front door " and I jumped awake from that dream of raised voices thinking someone - some raised voice - had broken into our little home - my safe refuge.  But it was only the security alarm shutting off ........ only the start of a new day with no raised voices ......... and my heart stopped thumping...............

Biopsy Report

My biopsy report was "inconclusive"

I have more tests tomorrow afternoon.

Untitled - UPDATED

I just heard from the doctor's office.  They have cancelled my appointment for tomorrow.  I totally broke down on the phone with the nurse.  I told her I  have been waiting for over a month for a biopsy report.  She immediately told me to breath.  She said she didn't have any access to my file - BUT - she did say - IF it had been cancer the lab would have called the doctor immediately (translated before Christmas) and the doctor would have called me immediately.  She told  me twice to breath and not to worry.......... 

So I called W and he (thank god) wasn't too far down the highway - and told him to turn around.  The appointment is next Thursday.  

I am breathing........ again........ I have felt like I have been "waiting to exhale" since December 11th,

It has been a very long month - waiting for the results from my biopsy.  Tomorrow at noon time I will be seeing the doctor for those results.  Tonight W is driving down so he can be with me.

I have tried very hard to keep a positive outlook - I gave up totally about a week ago.  I have been reading everything I can get my hands on on cancer of the uterus and hysterectomies.  I have checked into my long term insurance.  I have cried an ocean of tears.

I will post an update as soon as I can............ 

Fear

In ten days I will get my biopsy results.  My stomach has been in knots since I got home from Kingston.  It's more than stomach knots - my body is cold - I run home between shifts and lock the door - like I am gonna lock the fear outside - stupid me!  My muscles are tight and tensed - my blood pressure is elevated - I can barely eat - I cry at the slightest thing.  oh yeah - I am living in fear.

AND I am angry - life is finally turning around for me - and now this!!!???  It makes me bloody angry............... 

I have tried all the tricks to cope with this fear - and nothing is working - nothing! 

I just have to hang on for 10 days and hope that whatever comes I will find the strength to deal with it 

Positive thoughts

Since Monday I have been trying - really trying - to keep my thoughts positive  - to not look at the calendar and watch Jan 18th creep slowly towards me... 

But at night - at 3 in the morning when the world is asleep - the monsters who live under the bed come out and whisper in my ear........... 

 AND - the positive thoughts disappear in a puff of smoke..................

so if I don't post much in the next few weeks - be patient with me please..........I just need to cope the best I can right now

Just a consult

Yesterday I had that appointment with the specialist that had been screwed up last week............. it was a consult - only a consult - the beginning of the process..........

W said he was coming down (again). I said (again) "it is silly for you to drive down I am only taking lunch off work - going in for at most a 15 minute appointment - to schedule tests and more tests.  IF something goes wrong this time I promise you can beat me black and blue - honest - I don't need you here for a consult.  I WILL need you for the biopsy."  So W stayed home and I booked lunch off work.

At 10:45 I presented myself (as ordered) for the 11:15 appointment.  I had all the paperwork that had been missing last week in my grubby lil hand.  Everyone remembered me.  I was ushered into the waiting room.  Where I waited and waited and waited some more.  (thankfully they had Mr. Bean running on the television set which - I admit - did distract me for all of 5 minutes) 

By 11:45 I was getting fidgety.  By 12:00 they called my name.  Now you have to know (in case you missed this 5 years ago) I did not like the doctor - she bloody scared me.  She was cold and didn't talk and HURT me.  When she came in the room my heart stopped and my stomach immediately went into spasms.  BUT this time she smiled at me - actually smiled!  She talked about the spotting I had experienced.  She talked (a little bit) about vaginal atrophy and her disapproval of estrogen treatments.  Then she said "let' s take a look". 

So I wiggled down the bed - till my ass was virtually hanging off the bed - dontcha hate that feeling of totally exposure??!!  The speculum was inserted with some discomfort - and she said soothing things (shock surprise!!) and was telling me what she could see... then something she said made me ask "Are you doing the biopsy NOW???!!"  and she answered "why yes - but it doesn't mean you have cancer - or I think you have cancer" .......... and right about then I felt it............... the most extreme excruciating pain you will ever feel in your whole entire life.............  

It is like some red hot poker is setting your insides on fire............ explosions went off in my head - bright colours with black - deepest darkest black surrounding it....... I was puffing I could hear myself puffing - trying to get air - and I heard the doctor saying we are going to count - it is only going to take till 10 ...... and I heard her counting and telling me to breath - and she got to 5 and I am thinking only 5 more - when she said "it's done.  " and stood up.

The pain didn't stop though - one would hope it would stop - but it doesn't.  It centralizes........... and builds ....... till you feel like you are gonna throw up or pass out.  I asked if I could sit up ........ the doctor said yes if you think you can.  I sat up.... It was better than lying there exposed.  It still hurt......... building and exploding and hurting.

She said "you definitely have vaginal atrophy.  Go and make an appointment with my nurse for a month from now.  I will have the biopsy results by then."  Then she told me no work for the rest of the day and today.  And left.

I made the appointment hanging onto the counter for dear life.  The nurse told me to take 2 extra strength tylenol every four hours..... smiled and gave me the appointment for a month from now.  (Part of me wondered if they were all smiling at me cause I had caused such a 'shit storm' last week when they lost my paper work - but it was probably my imagination spurred on  by the pain.)

Then I managed to find the elevators and make my way to my car.  I sat in the car and wondered how in god's name I was supposed to drive myself home.  You have no idea how much pain I was in......... my head was spinning and I kept thinking I was gonna throw up.  

Half way home the tears came - and I cried.  I felt so damn alone - and knew W was gonna "beat me black and blue" for not letting him come to me.  BUT honestly who knew she was gonna do a damn biopsy??!!  (and without any form of freezing or anesthetic I might add) 

I got home and made my way inside.  I stripped off my clothes...... I wanted to throw them out..... I felt violated in a weird sort of way.  It's really hard to put into words.....but the best way I can find is "violated" ............. I was bleeding and hurting and yeah worried too........... in all the tissue she scraped and vacuumed out of my uterus were there cancer cells??? were there abnormal cells - again???

I spoke with W briefly - mostly crying - snotty nosed and tear stained face - so sexy .......... then I contacted the school and told them I wouldn't be in before Wednesday.... then I took a handful of tyenol and lay down on the sofa - pulling my knees up to my chest - protecting my sore insides - crying softly as I fell into a painful troubled sleep.

Today I am still bleeding (to be expected) and it still hurts a little bit.  I am - I think - glad I didn't know she was gonna do the biopsy right then and there in the middle of "just a consult"...........I do know I am glad she seemed so much more human this time....... 

Now I get to wait till the 18th of January for the results......... vaginal atrophy ........OR............................

History Repeats itself

It was Nov 14th 2007 that I wrote this post.


 Almost 5 years ......... almost.  But almost only counts in horseshoes right???  

Two weeks ago I started with the same symptoms - I kept it to myself.  I worried, I fussed, I stewed, I nearly made myself sick.  

Then I tried calling my doctor.  I left message after message.  I heard nothing.  On Tuesday I sent her a fax......... listing my symptoms saying how scared I was and asked someone - anyone - to call me.

Yesterday - in my Cat in the Hat get up - I drove to my doctor's office to try and make an appointment.  Her nurse told me she really didn't have anything free.  While I was there someone called in and cancelled.  I got the appointment for 4 o'clock.  

Then it felt ok to talk about my fears.  I wrote W.  Somehow (and yeah I know it's stupid) I thought if I didn't tell anyone - didn't talk about it - it would just go away.  It didn't.

I went home after lunch and washed the Cat in the Hat makeup off and went off to the Doctor's.  My 4 o'clock appointment stretched to after 5 - sitting in the waiting room feeling like I was gonna be sick - feeling my heart pounding - my palms sweaty .. I was cold.

And then finally my name was called.  She and I talked.  I told her I was really scared.  I told her I could NOT go back to the oncologist she sent me to before.  She nodded and listened.  

Then she said she would take a look - if she could see some "damage" then maybe she could handle it.  I have never prayed so hard as I did yesterday - that she would see "damage". 

It hurt - I won't deny it - but it didn't hurt as much as the last time.  And she kept telling me what she was doing - what she wasn't seeing - she kept me relaxed.  Then as I was about to give up hope of her finding "damage" she said " yup there it is ........ and there too" and then she took scrapings and more scrapings.  

Then we went back to her office.  She thinks she knows what is wrong this time.  The scrapings should tell her conclusively.  The results will be back in a week or two.  If it is what she thinks.......... then my body is old - and shriveling up and drying up........ normal she says.  And treatable. 

I am not ready to do the dance of joy yet................ but there is hope........ a glimmer of hope that the evil "thing" hasn't started growing again my belly.  AND that is a very good thing !