Mind Games

Sunday afternoon I felt as though there was a wall between Sir Steve and I.... it's difficult to explain... I just felt separated from him despite the fact he was sitting only a few feet from me.

By dinner time I had given up any hope of adult time -- either play time or just plain sex.  And my heart felt heavy and my mind...... oh god where my mind went....

'no wonder he doesn't want to play with me -- what reward did I deserve considering the stress this week -- and it was all my fault of course -- I could have tried harder to keep the stress from him -- tried harder to reach the lil one -- not lost my patience.  I didn't deserve a reward'.

Later in the evening Sir Steve wandered into the bedroom and began laying out toys on the bed..... I could barely watch..... why was he doing this??!!  I was sure he didn't really want to play ... he was doing it just for me.... 

And when he pointed to the bedroom..... I even asked if he was sure.....

as I walked past him I stopped and asked for a hug..... I needed reassurance of some sort... the games my mind was playing  - le sigh

I stripped and lay down on the bed ..... cuddling my pillow...... ready .... and sort of willing........ 

Sir Steve has a 'pattern' to spanking... warm up.... intensity increase.... intensity increased more... then cool down... 

This session was no different...... his big hands spanking my ass cheeks felt so damn good... I thought to myself 'I wish he would do this all night long........ '  But then the other toys came into play -- a leather paddle -- the braided rope 

-- the quirt

-- the big heavy flogger and the crop.

The blue braided toy makes me wince and whimper and wiggle and cry "ouch ouch" ... but I do love it......... at the beginning I can feel each inch of my ass that it touches .... as the play time progresses it feels as though it's covering my whole ass completely with each hit........ 

The quirt -- now that toy stripes my ass and feels so very much as though it is cutting through the skin......... and dear god I love it !! Sir Steve knows the rhythm to use to make the pain so sensual that I cannot help but having an orgasm.... 

It all felt so good you know?!  BUT every so often my silly brain would whisper reminders that I didn't deserve this play time...... and the tears would come and trickle down my cheeks..... and I would feel miserable.

FINALLY the endorphins kicked in.. or it was all feeling just so damn good ... my mind stopped playing games and I relaxed and just thoroughly enjoyed it all......... 

My ass got a good whooping -- and I had deep tissue bruising (if you don't know what that is ...... hard rocks of muscle/tissue in the ass that pulse and hurt and are ohhhhhh so wonderful)

Last evening Sir Steve thoroughly enjoyed poking at my ass making me yelp and jump and call him names....... 

Life is good when you can get past the mind games and just enjoy...... 
 

My Place.........

Actually the title should read 'being reminded of my place'............. 

Saturday after both Sir Steve and I had rested up from entertaining excited 6 year olds.. He told me to go find 4 toys from the toy bag.......... UGH I hate when he does that !!!  

Stress Stress Stress !! 

Why stress you ask?? because 1) then it feels like it's all about ME and what I want... and 2) what if I don't select toys he likes??!!  I was so tempted to pull out feather boas and wet noodles -- BUT -- I am a masochist so that would defeat the purpose right?? AND he's a Sadist so god only knows how he would have reacted.......... 

So I picked 4 toys that are fun......... 

laid them out on the bed as requested -- and then got to sit and stare at them (the bed faces the living room where I was sitting watching football with Sir Steve) until he was ready to use them.   

On Friday Windy wrote a piece HERE about 'best lines'........ we haven't really had any situations where my mouth runs away with me........  

until Saturday night...... 

Sir Steve has a sort of ritual -- before he starts spanking -- he puts on soft leather gloves.  While he was putting them on -- I turned my head... watching him.... and asked "Why do you put on the gloves?"  He gave me THAT look -- the one that screams this is NOT the time or place...... so I glibly said "ohhhhhh ok you can tell me later" ...... He answered "how nice of YOU to give me permission to answer later !" 

Well that gave me the giggles......... ooooooops..... both my statement and my giggles didn't go over well....... I tried to remind him it had been so long....... that I had started to think *I* was the boss....... 
I thought he was gonna swallow his back teeth !!  I was just digging the hole deeper ya know?

All the toys -- including his gloved hands -- were well used -- and my ass was glowing and hot and just a tad 'ouchie' when he finished 45 minutes (or so) later..... My world was full of pretty colours and dancing fairies.... 

Life is good when you are reminded of your place -- when he claims you again -- and your ass tingles for a couple of days !

Nature or Nurture ?

Over the weekend Sir Steve said "go pick 2 toys out of the bag and put them on the end of the bed".

Simple request right??

NO!  just 2 toys??!!  I opened the bag and saw the knife -- saw the flogger -- saw the quirt -- and yes saw the paddles and the crops.  2 toys -- one flogger -- one ..... quirt?? no wait ... one knife..... no wait ... quirt... no knife... 

WAIT WAIT - there's rope here -- I want rope -- he's never used rope before!!

I cracked the door open a wee bit   "Can I pick 3 toys?" I asked ...... "Yes" He answered... 

So I picked the flogger ........ the quirt ....... and some rope.

I was excited -- and nervous... I just left the toys on the bed and went out to Sir Steve.

Being a f***ing Sadist he sat quietly watching his tv show and barely acknowledged me.  

BUT finally we went into the bedroom....... 

He eyed the choice of toys... I was literally vibrating beside him.... he said "I said 'end of bed'.  Well the brat came out -- and I pointed out to him ANY edge of the bed was technically the **end** of the bed.... 

Suffice to say -- I was bound to the bed and enjoyed a rather nasty play time......... Sir Steve loves the 'brat'... loves the challenge....... and I do LOVE keeping things challenging for him (sweet angelic smile)

Play Time

The stars finally aligned this weekend -- and despite my 'sexy' track pants on Friday night we played (hard) on Saturday night.

It started with his hands (dear god I love his hands!) and moved to the crop and the paddle and the quirt -- and knives of course ......

And it hurt !
And I bitched and 'whimpered' and wiggled
I rolled over and Sir Steve simply gave me the 'look' and wiggled a finger and I rolled back over....... 

"Ow" I said.....over and over -- ow ow ow -- fuck ow -- shit ow and there was no pity  
At one point though Sir Steve did lean down and whispered in my ear just after one of my 'ows'  "I do believe you've said that"........ to which the bratty side of me answered "And I'll say it again cause I can! "

Wrong answer !!

O U C H 

A Sadist always gets the last word (grinning)

 

Getting Real

We came back to the city Saturday night after a wonderful visit/day with Angelsquest.  It was so good to see her again !!  felt like old times -- only happier.

I was jumpy -- skin electrified -- knowing a beating was going to happen -- wanting it NOW - knowing not to ask - on edge waiting for the moment............ 

Suddenly with no warning Sir Steve took both my hands and led me into the bedroom.  I was a little jittery 'cause he's never been so 'formal' (for lack of a better word) and he had me stand stock still while he stripped me naked.  I felt shy... and vulnerable and he laughed and said "I have seen you naked hundreds of times before" ..... but he had never stripped me before -- never watched so intently as each piece of clothing came off before!

And then he told me to lie on the bed....... and he started playfully hitting my breasts and belly with a paddle.  The mood changed.  He walked away from me and put on his cover (leather cap)...... my heart pounded.  This was the Sadist I played with 10 years ago.  This was the Sadist who had strict rules and no mercy.  The play continued briefly until he said "You are watching me" and he stopped and pulled out a make shift blind fold and tied it over my eyes.  

Now with my world plunged into darkness the strike of the flogger or the cut of the knife became so much more intensified.  Behind the blindfold - in my mind's eye - I could see him with his cover pulled down almost covering his eyes -- imagine the intensity of those eyes as he selected the next toy -- as he watched it hit my body and my body's reaction.  The relentless hit hit hit of the flogger across my breasts, down my body, hitting my pussy hard and fast till I was arching off the bed.  

He used the crops as canes and raised welts -- hitting the side of my hip till I rolled over (assuming that is what he wanted) -- felt the crop's stinging bite as it raised red welts across my ass.

And finally -- much later -- felt his hands stroking my back -- bringing me back to the bedroom and his bed...... his hands gently removing the blindfold... seeing his cover resting on his knee... seeing the half smile he gets when he has enjoyed himself -- when he sees the blurry dopey look on my face.... feeling his hands gently touching/tracing the bruising on my hips... hearing him say "you'll have some nice marks there tomorrow"

and I whispered 'I want you to fuck me' and he said "tomorrow" and pulled me tight into his body and I slept.

Adults Only

We really did have an "adults only" sort of weekend

We spent Saturday wandering through the museums of Cornwall -- and the street fair -- pigging out on Asian Tacos ( who knew such a thing existed?!) and the infamous Canadian Beaver Tails for dessert at lunch time and then Sir Steve took me out for the best Chinese for dinner.  I felt so spoiled - and exactly like we were on holidays.
 
Saturday night we watched some old movies and then Sir Steve took me into the bedroom - and all his favourite toys were lined up on the bed.  I had whispered in his ear "please leave marks" (sometimes I need my head examined - telling a Sadist to leave marks!!)  It was over an hour of paddles and quirts and crops...... I remember thinking at one point I couldn't take anymore -- but I did -- and my ass was burning hot and marked - well marked.  

In the middle of the play time I was dreaming about him fucking me -- but didn't want the beating to stop.  And when the play time was over I was too spacey to want or need a 'fucking'.  I whispered it wasn't fair -- why couldn't I have both?? And Sir Steve just gave me that smile of his and told me to sleep -- we still had Sunday.


And here it is Monday morning .........  and every dream / wish/ fantasy I had for our "adult only" weekend came true ........... and that dear friends is a VERY good thing!

Memories

I have track marks up and down my back from the knife play the other night.... I love running my fingers over them -- feeling the shower prickle them -- and remember the feel of the blade on my skin -- remember the look on Sir Steve's face while he made the pretty patterns on my body.

The other night we were playing and I was being a bit bratty (yeah I know what a shock eh?? me being a brat!!)  And Sir Steve restrained my arms -- trapped them with his hands and held them tight.  Yesterday in the shower I was soaping my body down and noticed a funny mark on my right arm.  I looked and the smile that spread across my face!!  I have bruises from his restraining me.

Bruises and track marks -- memories of fun times together... it's true -- the best thing about memories is making them !

Play Time

We played the other night -- played really!  in bed naked !  

Yeah yeah I know -- no one else is surprised -- folks do that.  But we haven't -- played in bed I mean.  

At first I couldn't quite wrap my head around what was happening (yeah I am slow on the pick up sometimes!)  BUT when the quirt bit into first one nipple then immediately after the other nipple -- I knew this wasn't teasing -- this was 'game on!'

I kept watching his face -- the small evil smile that just touched his lips -- his eyes starring at me when I instinctively covered my nipples -- and god how I loved when his hand would push my hands away and lift my breast for easier access.

Even better when he moved the quirt's biting hits down to my clit jewelry -- the smile became absolutely wicked!  and I thought (as it started) 'no worries Sir Steve never pushes my limits THERE'   
Can I say WRONG ?!  ohhhhhhhhhhhh so very wrong!  And it felt so very very good!

And then when I was bruised and swollen and aching -- he pounded into me -- banging against my swollen clit until my body shook with total earth shattering release.

We played the other night -- and it was glorious!

Full

His teeth sank into my neck and my body trembled with 
need ......... 

Need for his touch 

Need for his pain

Need for his marks

And he whipped and flogged and paddled and touched and stroked and kissed till my body shook. 

He saw my need - knew my need - and he brought me to the edge and pushed me over - to the place where my fairies dance and the lights twinkle .......... 

He filled me up - to overflowing -  and I love him for what he gives me - and more.

The Magician

He's like a magician - the way he plays with my body
Making it arch and writhe and twist

Giving pain that mixes with pleasure 
electrifies my skin 
and makes me drip with want and need

He smiles and my heart melts
His lips brush against mine and my breath catches in my throat

His eyes dance and sparkle
and his grin - such a devilish grin
as the leather raises welts on red skin

His voice soft and tempting and commanding
kneel, ass up, roll over, hold still 

And then 
in a puff of smoke
He's gone

and I wonder 
Where does he go when he is gone?

 
 

Play Date

My Daddy Dom came for a play date yesterday.  At one point I was laughing and wiggling and shrieking and I said "I know exactly what I am gonna write in my blog tomorrow"!!

But now ....... not so much.

Oh there was a lot of spanking - I even have pictures to prove it  

But pictures don't tell the whole story - only a part of it.

There is something sensual and tender in our play together.  Relaxing and exhilarating at the same time.  Soft and tender yet firm and hard.

It touches something deep inside of me - and allows me to feel in a way I had almost forgotten.

It's special and each "play date" we have I find I want to hold it close to my heart - and treasure it and not share.  

BUT I feel a need to acknowledge how Daddy Dom touches my soul and leaves me feeling whole and complete

 

A Moment in Time

He is so private - so hard to read
 
But when I close my eyes and "see" him looming over me I see his eyes first - sometimes with a devilish glint - and then he blinks and his eyes grow dark as he stares down at me - watching me like a hawk - soaking in my reactions - it seems as though his eyes are pushing me to the edge - wanting every drop of emotion out of me.

Then I see his mouth - sometimes it is a hard line as he concentrates - focuses on the flogger and where it lands - and then it smiles as my moans escape and float up to greet him.......... to caress him and he whispers "ok? everything ok?" and I know I am safe.

And then his face - usually guarded - closed........... but when he looms over me it softens around the edges and his humanity peeks out - and he seems gentle and caring and I know why I trust him so.

Our moments together keep me warm until our next "moment in time"

 

The Gift

I was given a very precious gift yesterday...... the gift of acceptance.

Daddy Dom came over for a visit....... and I was so worried about how he would react to the marks left by The Sadist.  I don't embrace the masochist in me too well - learning - but to share the depth of my masochism scares me.

I knelt at his feet and tried to explain how vulnerable I felt sharing something SO visible with him.  He didn't even bat an eye - he reached out and started to unzip me - I stood up and slipped out of my covering.  i could barely look at him... but he was ok with it. Not thrilled I am sure - but he didn't run screaming out of the house either (small smile) he held me close and made me feel like his lil girl - safe and sound.

He even brought a new flogger he made (still to be finished) for - as he said - the lil girl.  How could I not feel spoiled??  

It is stingy which makes me very happy and he uses it so very well ... giving the lil girl exactly what she wanted.

And - here's a newsflash - I thought I would be comfortable writing about Daddy Dom and our play time........ but I realize that it is a gift to me...... and for now at least I just want to hold it close to my heart.

Finding my bits and pieces Again!

I am remembering why this "dating" thing - this "playing well with others" thing was hard many years ago............. and I guess in some ways I am running backwards while I am moving forwards............ 

The date I had on Friday was a play date - with dinner thrown in - and then more play.  

HARD PLAY 

Long Play

Fun play 

I trust him enough now - to really let go  -- to let my fairies come and coax me out to play......... to let go completely and totally.......... not an easy thing for me to do..... but i trust him that much.

When we went to the munch (dinner) I was quite truthfully as high as a kite.  Mini me said it was like I was a little drunk - I was in good form ........ another friend whispered in my ear "have you been playing this afternoon" .... so yeah I was that high on endorphins.

AND

it wasn't over ........ 

There was more play after we got home from the munch.

HARD PLAY

Long Play

Fun Play.

And in that moment - when the endorphins are coursing through my blood - and my mind is just mush ...... there are no warning bells - no common sense - no judgement - all my inhibitions are down ..............and sometimes I ask for ........... beg for........push my limits - test me - push push push!!

And when it's over - 
when all the hard play is done 
when all the long play comes to an end
when all the fun is over 

He leaves.

And I am left to ground myself........ to piece myself back together.  

It used to be that way - years and years ago........... and then I wasn't alone and it wasn't really a problem.  The day or two after  -- when I questioned myself - called myself names - put myself down ....... W was there to hold me and hug me and soothe me and help me put the pieces back together.....

AND yes I play THAT hard!

It's hard sometimes when you are alone - to find all those tiny pieces that got knocked about and dislodged - to find them and stick 'em back in........... 

hot baths and meditation and soothing music and even chocolate works - until it doesn't.  And the monsters inside are still walking all over my soul............. and I feel lost and confused.

AND I know - this IS what I want - I want to play nicely with others - lots and lots of others.......

AND I know I want to let go - I want to push my limits -- I want to embrace those monsters and defy them  -- I want - NO -- I NEED to play hard and long - I need to feel drained and marked and hurting when it is over.  

I NEED THAT !!


Cause whether I like to say the word or not.......... I am a masochist!