pic line versus iv

I was readmitted to hospital last week with an invasive infection that involved complicated treatments every tday.  It also involved a PIcline being installed

 

  that will stay in place for at least 10 days (if not longer)  this infection is slowing all my treatments down To say I am exhausted and weak is an understatement   Never mind I've had 2 major falls and 1 bloody nose I' m very nearly  down! 

Tattoos Updated

 Updated
Heard todsy that I have an infection and that they will have to delay my radiation treatments by at least 3 weeks

 

 

 I love tattoos!  over the years I have been tattooed 3 times.........

They all tell a story and represent something I love.

Yesterday I got 4 more tattoos 4 little black dots two on my chest and 2 on each side

they don't represent anything I love but they do tell a story.  They will guide my next radiation procedure.  Starting next Tuesday I will undergo 15 consecutive doses of radiation on my lung.

The lil one

 We have been honest with the lil one about what I am going through and she has been amazing........like last week I wanted to dust the living room but couldn't for the life of me remember the name of the dusting spray........ So I asked the lil one ...... and she reassuringly got me the dusting spray,paper towels and said 'don't worry S I got this!' and I marvelled at how amazing she is.

Then my hair started to fall out.  And it kinda threw me.........

 

Every time I moved my hair would flutter down.......... get into everything......my eyes my mouth (if I was eating) my nose.  GAH .. it drove me crazy!  At dinner  Sir Steve told the lil one that the medicines I had been on were causing my hair to fall out.  She studied me for a minute or two then said " think of it this way S......... you won't have to go for hair cuts!!  AND you won't have to wash it all the time "  I burst out laughing!  She was so right !!!

Yesterday I had another consult - and while we were at the hospital Sir Steve took me to the gift shop and I got a pretty scarf .......... and Sir Steve and I made a date with his razor when I got home......... well when the lil one got home so she could take pics of the great shave off.  It is time I found ME again - losing my hair isn't gonna knock me down for long!!  And because I have nothing to worry about anymore - I am gonna post those pics that the lil one took........ of ME

the before shot

THE BIG SHAVE OFF 

                                                            

                                                           The finished product

Fine State of Affairs

 

 Soooooooo I had an appointment booked this morning at 8am for a bone scan.  When they called me to book it I was annoyed........ enough with the appointments already!!! 

So when I got there at 7:45 I was a bit bitchy.  When they got me in the back and were getting ready to put the IV needle in my arm - I asked 'who booked this appointment?'  They told me and honestly I didn't recognise the name.  So I said "you'd think the doctors would share the results.  The nurse stopped and looked at me. "When did you have this scan done ?"  I said not sure - but sometime since the 7th of May.  She stopped what she was doing and headed off to the nearest computer.  When she came back she was full of apologizes - apparently this test should NOT be done more than once every 6 months or better still once a year...... and someone had booked me in for a test just 3weeks after the first one!!! 

I was sent home.  and all I can think is thank god I questioned the test - otherwise god only knows what would have happened....... (it was a radioactive  test - where they inject you with radioactive material)

Aren't the medical people supposed to be in charge?? supposed to be taking care of their patients? supposed to be making them more comfortable ???

Sitting here shaking my head.

feeling a little brighter today

 BUT be warned this post might be the things nightmares are made from.........

So I have finished this round of radiation...... and if I could I would do a happy dance.  

I thought you might want a few more details....... about radiation of the brain.  They made me a mask - that was put on each time and screwed to the table so I couldn't move my head.  Each and every time they fastened it to my face I could see my reflection in the over head machine - and each and every time it scared me.........This morning I took pics of this mask - before the lil one threw it in the garbage can for me.......... damn it felt good to toss it !!!

and if you can keep reading ....... cause there is some beauty at the end.........

 

on my last day of radiation I received a delivery from the florist - from ..... I couldn't believe it......... my hairdresser!!!!

feeling ragged

 

I have finished my radiation treatments (for now)

They really knocked the stuffing out of me.............

And sometime in all the treatments my drainage tube got yanked out of my chest......... so Tuesday was spent getting radiation and having the tube put back........

I have postponed all further tests and appointments till next week....... I am exhausted... and discouraged ... but Sir Steve wanted me to tell you all how I am doing....... I'll check in another day - hopefully when my spirits are a little higher.............

YES!!!!

 

 Originally more than 10 years ago - I was told I had cancer.  I was also told that "MY" cancer would continually reoccur.... and it was important that I not miss a scan.  June 2020,  I was told that it had been almost 5 years since my cancer reappeared.  My then doctor was surprised...... he admitted that if I had asked him if my cancer would go into remission when we started this journey together he would have said 'NO'   Yet here I was almost at the 5 year mark and I was cancer free.

I transferred to a new doctor in my new city.  I don't do change well and that contributed to my anxiety this morning.  Sir Steve made arrangements for the lil one to get to the bus.... and off we went.  The registration staff was amazing and got permission for Sir Steve to accompany me all the way to the OR.  He couldn't come in with me - but knowing he was just outside waiting for me made it easier.

To be honest I miss the staff and doctor at Kingston General - they were so empathetic and kind.  This staff not so much and the head nurse in the OR was truthfully a right royal bitch.  The doctor was ok - and he got the procedure done in record time.  AND there was no cancer.  NO cancer - NONE! I don't have to go back for another year.  I am doing the happy dance - trust me !!

 

 

I AM a survivor!

Just cutting to the chase.......

I AM CANCER FREE!!

It has taken over 8 years to get here... but I'm here... 5 years cancer free!!  (Well if I'm gonna be absolutely accurate - it will be 5 years on Nov 9th - but as I do not have another screening for a FULL year - I am declaring it 5 years NOW!!)

I have the most wonderful doctor  honestly!  from the first visit where I had a total meltdown.. to this last visit where he told me if he could "he'd hug and kiss me - but ya know social distancing and all that!"

He told me I surprised him a little bit -- the type of cancer I have usually continues to reappear - doesn't spread BUT it keeps coming back.  BUT I seem to have beaten it.  I smiled and bit my tongue. You see 8 years ago along with bladder cancer I also had precancerous growths in my uterus.  and no they refused to remove my uterus - just the growths.  Finally I had a new gynecologist  tell me quite firmly and not very diplomatically (cause I was whining about the growths reappearing) that if I lost the belly fat the tumours wouldn't grow back.  She explained that belly fat especially in post menopausal women creates hormones .. and hormones in post menopausal woman can create precancerous growths.  "Lose the belly fat" she told me.  So I did - 75 pounds of it!!!

AND guess what happened........ the uterine growths stopped coming back.. .and I had my first bladder cancer free appointment.  After 3 such visits I suggested to my bladder doctor that maybe the theory of belly fat and hormones might apply to this cancer.  He smiled and said "no! absolutely no correlation".  EXCEPT ....... I am now 5 years cancer free with no real explanation.  Just in case he might be wrong - I'm gonna keep that belly fat off ya know?!

OH and the one other thing that happened yesterday - I asked my doctor if he could recommend a really good doctor - preferably a clone of himself - in my home town.  He grinned and said 'there's no one quite like me - BUT I know two great doctors..." So he has transferred me.  No more 2 hour drive there and back.  YAY!

Today I am having a quiet day.  Sir Steve has gone to town to pick up the lil one from her mother and they are gonna spend the day in town - give me a chance to heal up a bit.  (this cancer screening is a bit invasive and always leaves me with bladder spasms and feeling like I have UTI for a day or so)

Tonite there is gonna be a BIG celebration here and you're all invited (grinning) pizza and wine and maybe a fire (if we can bear adding to the heat register) eldest daughter and SIL are coming.........

Life is good when your cancer goes into remission.

Good thoughts/Good Vibes

Today is not a good day....... my anxiety levels are over the top........

I am off to Kingston for my cancer test today.......... it has been 9 months (thanks Covid) and I am a basket case............

If any of you can spare some good thoughts for me today I think I might need them......

C word

6 months ago I went for my annual cancer screening.  I have been lucky - if you can call it lucky - that my bladder cancer is low grade and if they find anything they have been able to remove it immediately (without anaesthetic I might add)

BUT 6 months ago my bladder had a red rash....... the doctor said it wasn't cancer probably a bladder infection.  He gave me some antibiotics and said he would see me in 6 months.

The problem is...... from the very first time I was diagnosed with cancer the doctor explained the time frames.... for the first year I would go every 3 months for the screening IF no cancer appeared I would go every 6 months IF no cancer appeared then I would go a year between screening appointments.  However if the cancer came back I would go back to every 3 months or every 6 months.  

So his scheduling my next screening for 6 months was ominous - as much as he said it wasn't cancer why the 6 month appointment?  I asked him and he basically avoided answering me.  

Yesterday I got my appointment ........ April 9th - one month away.   

The fear is almost a physical being in my mind.  I am struggling to find my way through this... struggling to stay positive... struggling to not fall apart.........

Good News / Great News

Good News:

Anyone who reads here with any regularity knows we have an ongoing battle with the lil one's mother.  Ohhhh things have improved slightly -- like she finally gets the risk of diabetes we are fighting with the lil one... and she is now willing to 'talk' via FB with Sir Steve.... 

BUT... 

Mother is still playing games with the lil one... and it is stressful.  Because the games mother plays are games that are meant to make Daddy look bad...... put all the blame on Daddy.
BUT we're getting much better at heading off these attempts....... 
The most recent one -- a trip to Disney over March break.  She told the lil one during the summer -- big excitement!!!  Sir Steve was getting the passport for the trip (he was getting it so he could keep it -- and keep track of when she wants to take the lil one out of the country)
Before Christmas she told us the trip was postponed cause they couldn't afford it.  Last week the lil one asked if Daddy had got her passport.  WTF?!
We probed a little bit and the lil one talked as though the trip was still on?!!!  I realized if Mother could blame the cancellation of the trip on us for not getting the passport then bad dad good mom right?? 

So Sir Steve contacted Mom ... and basically called her bluff.  The lil one is now aware that this cancellation has nothing to do with us.  
Chalk up another blocked game.


GREAT NEWS!

I went for a mammogram 3 weeks ago.  Routine cancer screening.  Except my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was my age..... she was dead 18 months later.  I tried really hard to be positive but damn I was worried.  Every twinge in my breasts - every stretch mark - every little difference in the breast and I was hearing "CANCER" 

This weekend I was rationalizing IF they found cancer surely they would have contacted me by now!  didn't help.

Yesterday I got my results in the mail............ no cancer.

I am still doing the happy dance !!!

Life is good/great when you win some of the battles.

Still Struggling

I had my yearly cancer scan last Thursday.  As always I was scared -- paralyzed by the fear.  I needed ..... wanted ... someone to be strong for me -- to hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok.

Except

Before I had someone who used to tell me it would be ok... who wouldn't believe the cancer would be back -- who would do the 'told you so!' when it wasn't back -- and who didn't have any words of comfort or wisdom when it was back.

I remembered those days.  I remembered thinking 'no matter how much someone tries to comfort me -- reassure me -- I am alone in this'.  It is ME who faces the cancer -- the tests -- the removal process.  I am facing this basically alone.  The most anyone else can do is hold my hand.  

For me -- it feels like the alone disease.  

So...........

Sir Steve took me to the test.  A 2 hour drive there and back.  I went through the test.  I even glanced at the TV monitor when the doctor said 'that's not cancer'.  My bladder was all blotchy red.  The doctor said 'it's an infection.  I'll give you antibiotics and see you in 6 months.'  

6 months?!

His default he said.... 6 months and another cancer scan.  So the red blotchy bladder might not be cancer but he's worried it might be......... otherwise he would have said 'a year'.  but he didn't.  He said 6 months.

Happy Dance

Today I am doing the happy dance........ 

Yesterday's cancer test went well -- no anomalies and no cancer.   My next appointment is in one year!  Sir Steve was by my side through the whole thing.... watching the screen ... telling me how good it was looking (because I can NOT look) ..... and then we went out for a celebratory lunch..

Today is mending day -- mending from the test and the stress I put myself through..... Sir Steve ordered a 'quiet day'........ I think for once I will do what I am told.  

Life is good when you have someone by your side through the bad times .... AND when the bad times turn out to be good!

Worrying Time

I am due for my cancer test this Thursday.  I have/had bladder cancer.  I'm never sure if it is past tense or present tense.  5 years ago they found a big tumor that they removed in surgery.  Since then - when I go for the re-tests - they mostly find small spots that can be removed by laser immediately.  

Sounds easy right?

Yeah except they put the tube with camera inside me without any freezing....... and they do the laser zapping without any freezing.

AND
it hurts like hell !!

The last time - a year ago - he found a 'wrinkle'.  He said it didn't look like cancer -- looked just like a wrinkle -- but better safe than sorry he said.  It took 10 - TEN - zaps to eradicate the 'wrinkle'. 

This Thursday Sir Steve will drive me back to Kingston (cause I love my oncologist and can't imagine starting with someone new).  Sir Steve says everything will be fine.... probably will be.  Nothing more than what I have already been through -- but I still stress.  Whoever says you forget pain didn't have bladder cancer...... didn't go through the tests or removal.  I am not worrying about whether they find it again -- but worried about the pain I endure......... too bad being a masochist doesn't extend to every sort of pain........ 

All that to say -- if I am quiet for the next couple of days -- it's because I don't have anything to write about -- and one post on worry per test is my limit.

Good thoughts ..... prayers... good vibes would be appreciated.......... 

It's Official

We're home from the hospital.  Sir Steve was such a support -- he even came into the room while they did the procedures and stroked my shoulder and kept talking me through it.

One small 'wrinkle' as the doctor called it -- he cauterized it to be on the safe side -- but doesn't want to see me for another year.  He announced "2 1/2 years cancer free!!"  which sounded pretty damn good to me!! 

Now I can breathe again .... Christmas can now start!  

Tomorrow I think I will work on decorating The Journey for the holidays (as I'm supposed to take it easy for a couple of days) 

 (see me doing the happy dance?!)

 

Struggling

This love we have was not without it's internal struggles -- especially on my side.  What was I bringing to this relationship??? There is a huge age difference between us --  I swore up down and sideways I would never date (never mind fall in love) with someone so much younger than myself.  After all what would we have in common?? Our life experiences would drive wedges between us -- I was sure!!!

But surprise surprise we haven't had a problem ..... must be my "Peter Pan Complex" (never wanting to grow up) ....... And I am getting used to the looks people give us when we are together -- and the being called "grandma" when I am with the lil one (though it confuses the hell out of her )

There are still days that I look at the saggy skin and wrinkles and hate the 'old' body that seems to have just suddenly appeared.  There are still days that I look at Sir Steve and worry he is gonna take the rose coloured glasses off and see me for who I am...... BUT most of the time I am ok 

The only real serious worry I have -- the one that keeps me awake at night -- is -- I don't want to EVER be a burden to Sir Steve.  I want to be strong and independent for EVER!! I don't want him to ever regret this relationship.

And that worry is building and building this week.

You see on Thursday morning Sir Steve will drive me back to Kingston to see my cancer doctor.  I will go through the invasive test .... and find out if the cancer is back.  This is the first time I have been allowed to go a year without re-testing or monitoring as they call it.  It has been 2 years since there was any cancer found -- which means I should have a positive attitude right -- 2 years cancer free!!  BUT I'm not even remotely confident. I am scared stiff........ sick to my stomach scared.....not sleeping sick.....not focused sick....... wanting to hide in the house sick.

I don't expect to post anything till this procedure is over -- good or bad -- I'll post the results.......... but till then my mind just isn't focused enough to write here.........

Life Keeps Getting Better

First thing yesterday morning I went to the drugstore to get something for the bug bites.  I got a cortisone cream, antihistamines, and DEET.  The itch is easing -- the swelling in my finger is down -- and my ankle is slowly improving (yeah I had one there too!!)

Then - about two weeks ago I put an ad on Kijiji to try and sell my dining room set but never heard a thing - until yesterday when I had 3 emails from people who showed an interest.  One chap was very interested and insistent.  He wanted to come in the afternoon and pick it up.  I gave the ok but as the day went on I thought to myself 'how foolish is this?? letting complete strangers into my house??!!"  I messaged the superintendents here at the building and they said one of them would come down and be with me while he looked at the set.  He came with 4 buddies right on time and the super showed up almost immediately.  The guys loaded up the set and moved it out....... and I had money in my hand!  (I had given up hope and was going to give it to a charity) 

And in case my day couldn't get any better ........ the doctor's office called to tell me the cancer test I had a couple of weeks ago was negative!!

Life does seem to keep getting better and better 

And that is a very good thing!

Ultimately

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday ...... and another cancer screening test. I did not want to go through the test.  I feel as though my body has been poked and prodded and scrapped and cut too many times in the last 4 years....... way too many times.

Sir Steve reminded me I could refuse to go through the test -- ultimately it is my decision.  I had more or less made up my mind to refuse the test.

Then on the drive to the doctor's office I realized it wouldn't be a very mature / grown up thing to do - to refuse a test.  So I made a deal with myself -- I would have the test -- but I didn't want any male doctors!  IF they couldn't/wouldn't give me a female then I would refuse the test.

I had a female ...... a resident -- and dear god in heaven!! I hope gynecology is not her specialty.  She could not find my cervix........ WTF??? she poked and she prodded and poked some more.   Ever had a nurse try to take blood and they can't find a vein and poke around with the needle?? yeah?? well multiply that discomfort 10 fold and you have an idea what it felt like to have her hunting around for my cervix.

Finally she found it and took the scrapings needed AND then took some other scrapings.  Then she said they would call if they found anything and left.

I just sat there - naked from the waist down - hurting -- really hurting.  I felt violated for lack of a better term.  AND of course 'anxiety' my old friend reared it's nasty head and I had a minor panic attack.

I made it home doing a whole lot of self talk -- mostly calming myself with the thought I would talk to Sir Steve and have a little cry and he would make it all better as only he can.

BUT as luck would have it -- as I logged on he was trying to dash out the door..... so our talk was postponed.

I took some tylenol for the discomfort and curled up on the sofa under my snuggly blanket.  I realized... when it comes right down to it ....... ultimately we are all on our own to go through medical tests or emotional pain -- ultimately it is up to us to find ways to cope / deal -- and get through whatever it is life throws at us. 

Ultimately there is only "me". 

Best News Possible

One year cancer free!!!!!!!  That's right the test results were negative.  It's my first year cancer free.  4 more and I am in full remission.  For now I am celebrating one year!!

I was very spoiled -- Hands drove down and picked me up and supported me....... and hugged me close when the results were in. 

CG is busy planning a celebration that will involve wine  -- lots of wine -- and cheesecake :)

Life is good and looking so much better !

Tough Day

Today is a tough day.  It is the day before I go back to the hospital for my cancer test.  After 3 years you'd think it would be easier.  But in 3 years I have never gone a full year without it coming back.  And the worst part really -- I have never had any symptoms.... even 3 years ago when they discovered the first large tumor.

I need to be distracted today -- so I am going up to visit CG and the kids -- and as an added bonus.... Hands will be around as well.  I will spend a few hours with them -- play with the kids -- have lunch -- and for a few hours not have to do the "what if's" 

I feel very blessed to have someone like CG in my life.  She said to me last week -- when we were talking about this test -- that she was sure everything would be fine -- and if it wasn't -- they were right here to pick it up.

And -- if it was clear -- then a celebration was in order with wine.   Here's to a celebration with wine!

I won't post tomorrow -- at least until I get home from the hospital.  Keep a good thought for me ..........