Saturday, August 04, 2007

fears and expectations

For a few years now Sir and i have been trekking off to BDSM camps in August. The first one we ever went to was a 10 hour drive away. i remember being scared and excited and shy and excited and scared .. should i go on?? i dreamed of BDSM 24/7 .. lots of play.. lots of learning.. lots of pain.. i remember thinking it would start the minute we left the house and stop the minute we returned. The reality fell far short of the dream.

The next year we went i wasn't so scared .. or excited.. or shy.. i had no dreams/fantasies and it all worked pretty much as i expected... including the 10 hour drive...... (have i told you all i HATE driving??!!! 2 hours is pretty much my limit.. for everyone else's peace of mind i should be tightly bound and gagged before setting forth on a long car trip!!)

And so it went... every year that we went to the 10 hour drive camp. Then last year we went to another camp........ much closer only a couple of hours drive. i was excited.. and scared.. and shy and excited.. first time jitters i guess. That camp blew my mind. And yeah i know i told you all about it this time last year so i won't repeat myself.

The BDSM August camp is coming up again........ next weekend. i find myself with very mixed feelings. i feel out of the loop..... nowhere near the level of pain i was up to last August..... fearing my failing as the camp pain slut.. fearing that every little fantasy that i even let niggle at my subconscious will build me up for some let down so i have been trying very hard not to think about camp.......

i have been wishing there was some sort of camp preparation course that i could go through to get me ready to face a bunch of strangers .. and a level of play that makes my jaw drop and makes me want to hide in the tent........ i have been thinking of "forgetting" all the toys in the rush to pack and hit the road...... think Sir would believe that?? probably not eh?? i have been fussing that IF i do pack the toys i will pack the wrong ones .. or that they won't get used and will sit staring at me .. an unhappy reminder of that damn little fantasy that somehow broke through my subconscious and left its mark on my lil subbie brain...........

"Hello mother .. hello father... here i am at camp Grenada.. " only Camp Grenada was never like this!!!!!!!!!


  1. Even if you did ( butt that won't happen, will it?? ) forget all the toys, there are always toymakers at the camp, remember the teflon paddle from last year?? and if worst comes to worst there is always Wal-Mart to find the things I would need to make sure the weekend is full of pain...

    And talking about pain littleone, what ever you handle, even if it is only 1 strike/hit you will make Me proud as you always do..

    So, 6 sleeps left before the fun begins :-))

    Owner of you

  2. Anonymous7:57 pm

    Hummm... please... don't have any expectation... This always trows me into depression... because I always have a lot... and ended too often being left down... Nobody to blame... but only my expectations...

  3. I know this head-trip... I'm facing the same game myself as we are slated for a BDSM weekend in mid-September. Somehow, I always put myself into a near full-on panic about my level of inadequacy before one of these things. And I am feeling particularly wimpy in the face of this one... I can't imagine how I'd ever survive playing in public and doing something that let Him down... It is unthinkable and somehow looms as a huge possibility in my mind.

    hugs, swan


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