Finding my peace

trying to rise above........ it's a slow process

On Growing Older

I was remembering - the other day - my 30th Birthday.  I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and looked at my reflection....... my hair was long and in 2 braids and I was shocked... I thought 'oh my god - I have to grow up now!  I am 30!!"  I went out the next day and got my hair cut off and permed and came home looking like my mother.

The next birthday that hit me hard was 50 - the big 5 0 ....... 

BUT truthfully those birthdays weren't that old ya know?!  

Two years ago I got a new doctor - he talked about getting me healthier -- giving me more healthy years........... now I all see in the news is talk about seniors and how the medical profession is trying to give them more healthy years........ life expectancy doesn't count as much now -- now what counts is getting more healthy years 

I am older than my father was when he died -- and in one year I will be older than my mother when she died of breast cancer.  

My next birthday in 8 months is another big one -- a really big one -- it scares me this birthday.  I keep wondering how many healthy years I have left.......... and deep down inside I wish I could turn back the clock -- back to that 50th birthday .. I would change so much......... 

Sometimes reality bites.

Welcome to my dark side

I wrote not so long ago about a knife scene here on the Journey and over on Fetlife.

I softened the edges and made it more or less suitable for public consumption.  It was all brought back to mind this morning when someone on Fetlife wrote a knife scene that took it to a place even I didn't see coming.  One sentence at the end and the darkness in me sat up and took notice.

It's really difficult to explain (and not scare people) - what a fine line some of us walk in our scenes.  Where the boundaries can get blurred and the mind seeks what the mind seeks - more endorphins - higher highs - the taste for greater pain 

And fortunately 99% of us know when that limit has been reached - and the sane ones amongst us - stop - pull back and let reality shine a small beam of light into the darkness that has become us.

But this writing this morning - didn't stop and let reality shine its small beam - and it was startling and scary and yet still pulled me into the darkness ...... 

Don't ever think that what some of us do is anywhere near safe sane and consensual
And don't ever think for one moment that one can be lax in selecting a partner to play with .......... 

especially when one plays on the Dark Side.


(btw - I do believe that magnificently evil story will be pulled by the "care bears" by mid morning)   

Cancer

We all know that breast cancer is pink -- breast cancer gets a lot of attention.  When I was first diagnosed with bladder cancer I was shocked when my doctor told me that it is one of the top 5 killers in Canada and yet you almost never hear about it.  

One of the sore points with me was an ad for "depends" and how it made a leaky bladder seem normal in older women.  I wrote them a letter - I was angry - very angry.  My only symptom was a leaky bladder and I kept thinking it was just an "old lady's bladder"........ which obviously was not the case.

Just recently I have started seeing an ad on television that shows a "Johnny on the Spot" and one by one people exiting it.  I thought it's about time someone started to talk about the signs and symptoms of bladder cancer.  

Almost 2 years ago was when I was first diagnosed with bladder cancer it felt like a death sentence.  I was operated on ...... and managed to go 18 months before it reappeared.  It was removed - again.  Tomorrow I go in for my 3 month check - I am scared and possibly have good reason.  I have a leaky bladder again.  I have noticed other symptoms........ 

I have a friend who has bladder cancer.  He has the most admirable attitude.  He said to me once - "worrying/stressing about it won't make it go away........ it won't change the diagnosis.  You just have to live each day to the fullest and only worry / think about it when it is time for the 3 month check up.  You CAN'T let it rule your life".  

I wish I could have his attitude.  I really do !!!   Going 18 months without reoccurance gave me hope that I was in remission,  I didn't worry when I went in 3 months ago - it wouldn't be back - how could it be??!!  I was 18 months in.............. and yet there it was again.  There is a television screen that shows the doctor -- and me -- the inside of my bladder - I saw it - this cauliflower type lump growing in the middle of my bladder and my heart stopped.  It was back!!  it didn't seem fair........... I had just moved to my new apartment - I had just started to find my feet - claim back my life ............. 

I am sorry to go on and on about this........ for now it is foremost in my mind.  It scares me......... it makes me angry .... I even (god try and understand this logic) blame it as part of the reason he didn't want me anymore....... After all who wants to be a care giver to a cancer patient????!!!  

Sue was right the other day in her comment on Fear -- when she said that I will find the strength to face whatever I have to face.  Oh I'm still scared - but I will go through whatever I have to ......... and then get my feet back under me  - and continue on............ 

This is MY cancer ribbon................

Fear

I had a wonderful weekend - really good weekend!  I felt comfortable in my own skin - my head was clear - my heart beat normally - I was excited about the future.

And then dusk came on Sunday and the fear started to slowly creep in.

A line from a television show I watched this week kept running over and over in my head.  "You may have all kinds of support/friends.  BUT at night when you lay your head on the pillow - all you have is you"   It spoke to me cause that is what I am living.  No matter how many friends I have  -- how much support I have from friends and family - the bottom line is  -- when I go to bed at night - I am all I have.

I have my cancer test this week.  AND I am scared... really scared.  I don't want to go alone - I don't want to sit alone - get the results alone - face the results alone.  I have thought about all sorts of alternatives.............. even him.  BUT I realized that even if I asked him - even if he agreed - it wouldn't be the same.  I would still be alone at the end of the day to face ...... whatever.... by myself.

That's one of the things that hurts the most I think........... I thought we would support each other - through thick and thin - sickness and health - forever.  Like everything else it was all a lie - an illusion.................

and it hurts.

The fear hurts.

Maybe one day I will find the ladder to climb out of the hole that is fear.

 

Wondering

I have felt like everything - my whole world - is in a holding pattern................

I wonder if things will ever return to normal...... spankings and serving and sex and enthusiasm......... 

OR

is this my new normal??? 

Fear

In ten days I will get my biopsy results.  My stomach has been in knots since I got home from Kingston.  It's more than stomach knots - my body is cold - I run home between shifts and lock the door - like I am gonna lock the fear outside - stupid me!  My muscles are tight and tensed - my blood pressure is elevated - I can barely eat - I cry at the slightest thing.  oh yeah - I am living in fear.

AND I am angry - life is finally turning around for me - and now this!!!???  It makes me bloody angry............... 

I have tried all the tricks to cope with this fear - and nothing is working - nothing! 

I just have to hang on for 10 days and hope that whatever comes I will find the strength to deal with it 

Fear

I am here to report - we had an excellent day yesterday.......... and though I was in the car for .......... EVER......... it didn't feel so bad as we were popping in to shops here and down the road .. and then around and back the road........ and more stops....... so it didn't feel like I was trapped in 4 walled box with no where to go............. 

However I did have to drive myself over to W's and back again......... which under normal circumstances is no big deal.  However summer in the city is a BIG deal.  It is when the powers who be decide to rip up roads - put detours in detours - and do their up most best to get everyone lost - natives and tourists a like.

and yes I have a GPS - but it knows nothing about detours inside of detours..... hell it doesn't even understand detours !!

Getting to W's was no big deal...... despite all the detours.  

Coming home from W's was another thing all togther.

When I left W's I had completely and totally forgotten I couldn't get on the bridge from the main street.......... my GPS didn't know squat about the round a bout way the detours sent me to get to the bridge....... and it was blowing a gasket - telling me to make legal u-turns every 2 minutes.

Once I navigated my way off the bridge I remembered I had to go straight - take side streets - because the highways are torn up - or been turned into parking lots because of other torn up roads.

My GPS was keeping up and agreeing with me..........until I got to the first corner where the GPS told me to turn right.  I thought - but what do I know - I should have gone straight.  BUT being the good obedient - follow the rules - sort of gal - I turned right.  When I got a minute to take my eyes off the traffic and look at the picture on the GPS I realized - for some stupid reason - the thing wanted me to go downtown - to turn around and come back.  Downtown is a mess - NO ONE goes downtown these days if they can avoid it.  So I figured - being the bright independent gal I am - I would do one of those legal u-turns - go back to the corner I was at when it told me to turn right and continue on my way home.

And I did - I think - get back to that original corner - but by that point I was all turned around and didn't know North from South - or up from down.  The GPS was telling me to make a legal u-turn...... the light was green - there were cars behind me - so I just continued on through the intersection thinking the damn GPS would catch up to me eventually and find/plot a new route home.

I didn't have a clue where I was ....... not a clue.  I guessed I was in one section of town and kept looking for something I might recognize - without any success.  I did however finally remember what street I SHOULD be on......... big help that was!!!  I didn't know if that damn street was to the left of me or to the right of me ......... so I just kept driving......straight.

I knew I was heading in a westerly direction - and my lil house is west.  

And then the rain started pelting down.

And it got dark.

And I could feel the childhood fears of being lost in the dark nibbling at the edges of my brain.  I took one quick look at the GPS and prayed for it to find me and get me OUT of the mess I seemed to be in.  At that moment the dear GPS caught up with me - figured out where I was and told me to turn left.  I did it with a sigh of relief.......... Finally 'someone' was taking charge.

I turned left and then right and then left again........ and suddenly I was in a deserted part of town with construction and run down / falling down buildings and not another car anywhere in sight. 

The GPS patiently told me to turn right and then left again...... and then go straight..... and then finally I spotted the street I should have been on all along.  

EXCEPT 

the damn GPS didn't tell me to turn left.  I said screw it and turned left on to the street and heading west once again.

I knew where I was - the GPS didn't cause it kept telling me to make a legal u-turn again.  If I could have - at that point - I would have shut the damn thing off......... but I needed all my attention on the road so that I didn't miss my next turn........ 

The drive from W's normally takes me 30 minute........... last night it took me 57 minutes.
57 minutes of that lil girl's voice asking "are we lost"???!! 

I was never so glad to pull into my parking lot - home at last !
 

Endings

The picture above caught my eye because it said "endings......... waiting" (well that's what I saw/read when I first glanced at it) and I thought that pretty much describes my life right now.... I am waiting for the endings............ 

But then I read the faint writing and realized it actually said " Endings are just beginnings waiting to happen"........... and it seemed a whole lot less scary and final.......... which I really needed to change my state of mind........... 

You see.......... my lil PreK out on the Island is going to close this June - after 20 years of being there.......... being a rock for the community ........ being my pride and joy... being the thorn in my side ... and of course being my impetus to learn/master accounting/math.

I have tried everything even resorting to begging........... but there is no small corner to rent anywhere.............. AND......... as I really only wanted to keep it open for one more year... 2 at the very most .......... it is time to let go .. to close it down....... to say goodbye.

Then after many years of talking about it........ W's house is going on the market this week.  He is selling and moving away...... 3 hours away ...... he is worried too about this ending.......... He has always lived (60 years of living) in the same town .......... and he is pulling up roots and moving away.  It really is a daunting proposition for everyone who does it - but more so for him ... after so long............ 

Then I am left working out my last 20 months or so alone.......... marking time till I will put my house on the market and follow him........... leaving my home town of 60+ years - my family - my job - my security and all that I know.  

The hardest thing for me is leaving the security of my job.........knowing every two weeks a pay cheque would arrive - and I would be set for the next two weeks.  I have crunched numbers till my brain hurts...... I have seen a financial adviser ........ I have stressed and cried and pulled my hair out - but the facts are the facts......retirement is going to be tight.............. 

On the plus side - cause ya know - if you look hard enough you will always find some pluses........... 
W and I will be together 24/7.......... in a lovely lil house that we will buy together...... 
We are already finding and setting down roots in the BDSM community in our new city.
I won't have to be crawling out of bed every morning before the sun rises 
I will be able to finally start taking my photography classes
I will be able to clean my house during the daylight hours and do laundry and baking and cooking like civilized folk....... and care for my W the way I have always wanted to...
AND (cheeky grin) I won't have to buy clothes cause W says I will finally be naked all the time ...... (of course the heating bill for the house will be bloody high - I don't "do" cold........ )

And so we are starting the "Ending" and preparing for a brand new "beginning"......

Fear

Ever since I knew I was going to have to have an operation I have had an irrational fear that something awful is going to happen........ like I am going to die.

On one hand it isn't that irrational ..... because every time I have had surgery I have had a massive reaction to the anesthetic. Each time I have had surgery that reaction has gotten worse.... until the last time when I was told no more surgery unless it is absolutely necessary. AND yes I know this is absolutely necessary...... and yes I know that the surgeon will be prepared for my reactions....... but the fear lingers.

When I was told that the operation wouldn't take place until January or February at the earliest, I relaxed. I would worry in January or February. I was not going to stress now.

Today I got a call - from the surgeon's office and the hospital. My pre-op tests were scheduled for this Friday Dec 10th and the surgery was scheduled for the following Friday Dec. 17th.

I couldn't do it. The fear took over and I just couldn't do it. I told them that I was fine now.. that I could wait till January or February. The nurse tried to coax a little bit.. but I stood firm.

I know it is stupid... I know I am stupid.

BUT if something awful happened during surgery... if I died....... shrug.. it is really hard to explain..... I want one more Christmas with my family.. I want one more.....

So I refused the surgery ....... until the new year.

Fear can be a paralyzing thing