So close to losing it

 

 

I'm so damn close to blowing my top............

On the weekend the lil one was fed
(ready for this?)
breaded chicken burgers
fried chicken - for 2 dinners
Then she was given 2 boxes of M&M's ........ a kit kat chocolate bar ... and 2 bags of chips.

She didn't wash her hands or face all weekend!  She only brushed her teeth twice

The only good thing..... if you can call it that .... she now has 2 pimples on her face.  Believe you me - I pointed out the natural consequences from eating so much junk food and not washing her face!  Never mind the amount of carbs and sugar she ate which just blows her sugar levels ........... 

Remember back aways - I talked about how good life was - Sir Steve's new meds were working and WOW!  adult time was fast improving??? how life was starting to level off and I was looking forward to better days???  Yeah - well not so much now

Who the hell did I piss off ???

Can I resign now?

 

 

So we have this new/old computer for the lil one - excellent right? She won't be using my computer this year

BUT

the new/old computer won't run Teams (for some f**king reason) 

I have invested too much time trying to get this sorted out..... and am no further ahead.

I QUIT! 

Trying

 Last night Sir Steve really stepped up to the plate to ease my stress.  He is taking time off work tomorrow so I don't have to stress over meeting the lil one at the bus.... AND he helped me empty the living room for the contractors........


This morning I left the contractors painting ('cause they decided the ripples in the ceiling weren't that bad and one can't expect perfection -- le sigh) and went to the gym.  I haven't been in 2 weeks because of weather and appointments and contractors.  It actually felt good (when I got there -- getting my butt in gear to go is another story) and I came home feeling more relaxed.  

That is until I got home........  

The landlord was parked in my parking spot....... and there was no room on the street cause of all the contractors' trucks. I walked in the house and they had finished painting YAY!!!  (at least from the kitchen it looked like they had finished -- the furniture was all put back)

BUT 

when I walked in the living room -- the small strip of wall that needed to be painted cafe au lait was painted dark grey............ WTF?!!!  I should have known there was a reason the landlord was here.  On top of that -- the sump pump that was installed by some 3rd rate plumbers in the fall had overflowed and the back half of the basement has been turned into a swimming pool again. 

Welcome stress my old friend -- I've come to talk to you again.......... (singing)

I Hurt

This morning I woke with a stiff neck and stiff muscles in my upper arms and shoulders.  I have had a small headache for days now.  I have passed grumpy and gone straight to BITCH. I feel like I can't breath..... I feel like everything is on my shoulders.... 

I feel like I haven't had any time to myself in ages........ between contractors being in the house day after day -- to the responsibility of the lil one... to trying to get my new computer to work and having problems and feeling stupid......... cold dark winter days aren't helping....... Sir Steve being under the weather (between the bug he picked up and the pain in his wrists and knees) hasn't helped either -- we haven't had any play time or sex in ages....... (ok ok it's only been 2 weeks BUT it feels like forever -- especially when I need to feel grounded ... when I need to feel like something more than a nanny/housekeeper)

the pain in my neck and shoulders is getting worse

I was supposed to go see my doctor this morning over the withdrawal crap..... my bi-monthly appointment. But we woke to freezing rain and more forecasted.... I cancelled and his nurse didn't sound happy and I felt guilty........ she rescheduled me for Wednesday (I really NEED to see the doctor to talk ya know??!!)  but it's Wednesday at 2:45 the exact time I am supposed to meet the lil one's school bus......
 At first I stamped my foot and told myself 'she isn't my daughter .... f*ck it let her father figure it out' but then I felt guilty and thought I should ask the neighbour if she can watch her...... then I felt guilty cause it's not her daughter either..... 

the pain in my neck and shoulders is getting worse

The contractors were in -- and aren't happy with the patch work on the ceiling (it is pretty bad) so they are gonna cut out the work they have done and re-do it -- which means days and days of them being in and out....... creating a mess of dust and plaster -- AGAIN!) 

The pain in my neck and shoulders is getting worse....... 

I am so tired ....... can I hand in my resignation now?

Shut My Mouth

I spend a whole lot of time every day with the lil one.  I spend a whole lot of time watching how the adults in her family treat / ignore her.  I spend a whole lot of time feeling like it's my job to amuse/entertain/help her.

I am exhausted.

And when I get exhausted I blurt things out -- things that really don't need to be said -- well out loud.

The other day 'mother' left on a holiday -- just up and left.  No communication with us about the length of this holiday -- no communication at all -- which shouldn't surprise me -- there's no communication at all between the adults in her life....... unless it is pure nastiness.

In case you missed this bit about me -- I have OCD.  I need to have control in my life.  I need to have routine.  I need to have schedules and dates marked on the calendar.  Otherwise the stress starts to build and with stress comes anxiety..... and with anxiety comes pure panic. 

Mother can bugger off on a holiday with no end date cause she simply hands off the lil one to Sir Steve.  Sir Steve can go to work without worry cause I am here to babysit the lil one.  The other night I just blurted out 'I am nothing more than a glorified babysitter'.  I honestly didn't mean to say it.......... but I am tired - exhausted really.  The anxiety is piling up.  The tears are always close to the surface.  I am tired of feeling like I am under some magnifying glass.  I am tired of trying so hard to please everyone.....and I feel guilty - so very guilty - when I blurt out to Sir Steve.  He has a lot on his plate too - trying to get his business started - working hard long hours to prove himself too.  Honestly it's the least I can do to help him right??? Pick up the slack so he can concentrate on the business......... 

But I am exhausted.

School starts in two weeks -- I never thought I would be one of THOSE adults that bitched they couldn't wait for school to start.  Not when I was on the other side of that equation.  But here I am .......................

AND the court date (for final custody I am hoping!!) is in 4 weeks..... and I am hoping against hope some sort of routine will be decreed by the courts.  I am hoping for some sort of control .....some sort of routine...... some sort of miracle to happen.... cause right now I need a miracle.

(OH and before anyone thinks the lil one is a difficult child - she's not -- she's charming ... and happy and really doesn't ask for much from me.  It's mostly me -- feeling inadequate and stressed)

Life will be really good if a miracle happens 

 

Whirling Dervish

My 'whirling dervish' lost it's whirl.

I noticed Tuesday I had little energy -- but I still went to work -- went to the gym -- baked and did laundry.  My muscles ached... my bones ached... I felt like shit.  AND for some reason I was touchy when I talked to Sir Steve and was more than a little quiet to avoid saying anything upsetting.

Yesterday I was dead on my feet.  I managed to go to work and limped through my time with my lil guy and couldn't wait to get home.   I finished up the baking and just collapsed on the sofa and didn't move for the rest of the day.  

I don't know if my B12 problem is acting up again or if it is just plain exhaustion from thinking and planning and yes stressing a bit. 

I'll be so damn glad when I am moved and settled in........ in the meantime I will try to be less whirling dervish and more stop and smell the roses .......  

Holidays

Holidays - especially Christmas - are a stressful busy time.  I know I am missing Hands and CG -- a lot!  though I am hoping to see them between Christmas and the New Year.

BUT it isn't just stressful for humans.  My dear cat Miss Ashes has been struggling since the day I put the tree up.

It sits on a hassock that sits in front of the window.  That is Miss Ashes' spot!  Her reaction to the tree was not a happy one....... 

She eventually agreed to a compromise.......... the tree could share the window seat...........

But then I put the gifts under the tree and there was no way for her to jump up ....... at least not without knocking the gifts or the tree over.......

 She did express her displeasure one evening when I was wrapping gifts by trying to sit on my lap while I was wrapping -- then climbing on top of the already wrapped gifts and giving me the 'evil eye'

So she has been sulking -- and I do mean sulking!!  I didn't think much about her unhappiness ..... or pay attention to folks warning me she would get even.... she is a cat for heaven's sakes!!  And as much as I love her and talk to her and pamper her -- she is a cat -- revenge?? gimme a break. 


At 4 am yesterday morning I heard a huge crash and bang......... I jumped out of bed.  I was positive someone had broken into the apartment.  With heart pounding I came out of the bedroom and made  my way down to the living room/dining room.  I flipped on the light.  The tree was still standing -- everything looked fine -- until I turned and looked at the dining room.  The table was bare........ the Christmas runner was on the floor the candle sticks were on the floor -- the candles had rolled under the table.  Miss Ashes sat by a chair in the living room as if it was all my fault!  And I guess in a way -- in a cat way -- it was my fault.

The joys of the Christmas season

Get it?

Exhaustion

I spent yesterday at the lil townhouse supervising  the GOT JUNK team emptying the last of the clutter / junk.  Who knew something as easy as watching someone else work could be so exhausting.  Mind you - the franchise I got was a whole lot less than professional - in fact they were completely irritating to be honest.  (Head office has heard from me - and responded)

But then it has been an exhausting 5 days or so.  

I have one more major event on the "Moving Agenda" -  Friday signing the final papers. Last night just the thought of having to find my way to the notary's office (here only the buyer gets a notary - and they get to select him/her) had me shaking in my boots.  It just seemed all too much.  Guess who came riding in to rescue me??  W of course!!  He is gonna drive down, pick me up and take me!  I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Through all of this stress of moving I kept thinking come June I can coast till retirement.  I miscalculated a wee bit.  I don't get the cheque for the sale until June 5th - sooooooooo from June 5th to retirement I can coast........ it's all downhill from there!!  

Continuing Saga

Right - so everyone knows by now (if you don't know - where have you been for the last 8 months!!??) I am trying to sell my house so that when I retire I can move to Kingston to be with W with no stress or worries.  AND most of you should know I have had an offer - AND the home inspection was on Sunday.

To say I was stressed over this home inspection is an understatement.  Everything hinged on this inspection - AND - if there were problems then I couldn't even keep it on the market - at least until the problems were fixed.  

AND yes I had reason to worry...... 
1)  someone I work with sold their home a month ago - when the buyers did the home inspection they found MOLD in the attic - tons of mold!!  The house had to come off the market until it could be removed - and now - even though it is gone - the house has a reputation and no one is even coming to see it 
2) my house is 30 years old - it has creaks and pains and cracks from old age.  There is one crack in the kitchen that goes right through to the dining room - 
3) When I bought the house there was a water mark on the ceiling tiles in the cupboard in the basement.  Truthfully I forgot about it - my inspector said there had - at one time or another - been a flood in the kitchen - probably with the dishwasher.  But on the weekend - I wondered if they would find MOLD around that water damage - I looked and really couldn't see anything - but ya all know me - I imagined creeping mold spreading right across the whole house.
4) the foundation is cracking and chipping - as are the bricks.  and yes I know it is a condo - and therefore I am not responsible to fix anything to do with the outside of the building - including the foundation - BUT I was worried

Ok so Sunday morning at 10:00 a.m. the inspector showed up - the buyers and my agent.  And the inspection started.  The inspector kept taking pictures of everything and looking worried.  The clients were following him around and talking away in chinese (yes the inspector was chinese) and it is horrible not being able to understand what someone is saying................ 

They did outside first - then they did the main level - then we went downstairs.  Now you should know I have 2 bathrooms in this house and a powder room.  I use the powder room and the main bathroom.  The bathroom in the basement I don't think has ever been used.  When the train set up was in the room outside this bathroom - I shut the water off and closed the door.  When the train set left, I opened the door cleaned the bathroom and turned the water off.  When home visits started I turned the water on (at least I thought I had) Sunday my agent said make sure the water is on........ so I went to make sure.  It wasn't.  So I turned it on.  I didn't hear the water running into the toilet - which is when I remembered there was a separate on off valve for the toilet.  I turned it on.......

Almost immediately the toilet started leaking - at first slowly - but then ........... BOOM a seal let go and gallons of water started pouring into the bathroom - with the clients and the inspector watching !!!!!  I figured that's it ........ I'm done now.

I turned the toilet off - mopped up the water - put on a good face - well as good as I could manage.

The woman said "the toilet will have to be fixed" I said " yes of course"

When it was all over - their building inspector said there were no problems with the house except for the toilet............ 

So now I wait to see if the flooding toilet scared them away.......... AND if they can actually get a mortgage ............... 

It never ends does it - this continuing saga of my retirement/move.

 
 

Just a consult

Yesterday I had that appointment with the specialist that had been screwed up last week............. it was a consult - only a consult - the beginning of the process..........

W said he was coming down (again). I said (again) "it is silly for you to drive down I am only taking lunch off work - going in for at most a 15 minute appointment - to schedule tests and more tests.  IF something goes wrong this time I promise you can beat me black and blue - honest - I don't need you here for a consult.  I WILL need you for the biopsy."  So W stayed home and I booked lunch off work.

At 10:45 I presented myself (as ordered) for the 11:15 appointment.  I had all the paperwork that had been missing last week in my grubby lil hand.  Everyone remembered me.  I was ushered into the waiting room.  Where I waited and waited and waited some more.  (thankfully they had Mr. Bean running on the television set which - I admit - did distract me for all of 5 minutes) 

By 11:45 I was getting fidgety.  By 12:00 they called my name.  Now you have to know (in case you missed this 5 years ago) I did not like the doctor - she bloody scared me.  She was cold and didn't talk and HURT me.  When she came in the room my heart stopped and my stomach immediately went into spasms.  BUT this time she smiled at me - actually smiled!  She talked about the spotting I had experienced.  She talked (a little bit) about vaginal atrophy and her disapproval of estrogen treatments.  Then she said "let' s take a look". 

So I wiggled down the bed - till my ass was virtually hanging off the bed - dontcha hate that feeling of totally exposure??!!  The speculum was inserted with some discomfort - and she said soothing things (shock surprise!!) and was telling me what she could see... then something she said made me ask "Are you doing the biopsy NOW???!!"  and she answered "why yes - but it doesn't mean you have cancer - or I think you have cancer" .......... and right about then I felt it............... the most extreme excruciating pain you will ever feel in your whole entire life.............  

It is like some red hot poker is setting your insides on fire............ explosions went off in my head - bright colours with black - deepest darkest black surrounding it....... I was puffing I could hear myself puffing - trying to get air - and I heard the doctor saying we are going to count - it is only going to take till 10 ...... and I heard her counting and telling me to breath - and she got to 5 and I am thinking only 5 more - when she said "it's done.  " and stood up.

The pain didn't stop though - one would hope it would stop - but it doesn't.  It centralizes........... and builds ....... till you feel like you are gonna throw up or pass out.  I asked if I could sit up ........ the doctor said yes if you think you can.  I sat up.... It was better than lying there exposed.  It still hurt......... building and exploding and hurting.

She said "you definitely have vaginal atrophy.  Go and make an appointment with my nurse for a month from now.  I will have the biopsy results by then."  Then she told me no work for the rest of the day and today.  And left.

I made the appointment hanging onto the counter for dear life.  The nurse told me to take 2 extra strength tylenol every four hours..... smiled and gave me the appointment for a month from now.  (Part of me wondered if they were all smiling at me cause I had caused such a 'shit storm' last week when they lost my paper work - but it was probably my imagination spurred on  by the pain.)

Then I managed to find the elevators and make my way to my car.  I sat in the car and wondered how in god's name I was supposed to drive myself home.  You have no idea how much pain I was in......... my head was spinning and I kept thinking I was gonna throw up.  

Half way home the tears came - and I cried.  I felt so damn alone - and knew W was gonna "beat me black and blue" for not letting him come to me.  BUT honestly who knew she was gonna do a damn biopsy??!!  (and without any form of freezing or anesthetic I might add) 

I got home and made my way inside.  I stripped off my clothes...... I wanted to throw them out..... I felt violated in a weird sort of way.  It's really hard to put into words.....but the best way I can find is "violated" ............. I was bleeding and hurting and yeah worried too........... in all the tissue she scraped and vacuumed out of my uterus were there cancer cells??? were there abnormal cells - again???

I spoke with W briefly - mostly crying - snotty nosed and tear stained face - so sexy .......... then I contacted the school and told them I wouldn't be in before Wednesday.... then I took a handful of tyenol and lay down on the sofa - pulling my knees up to my chest - protecting my sore insides - crying softly as I fell into a painful troubled sleep.

Today I am still bleeding (to be expected) and it still hurts a little bit.  I am - I think - glad I didn't know she was gonna do the biopsy right then and there in the middle of "just a consult"...........I do know I am glad she seemed so much more human this time....... 

Now I get to wait till the 18th of January for the results......... vaginal atrophy ........OR............................

Just Shoot me

Yesterday was my last "first" day of school - and I can honestly say I don't mind one little bit.  It was bloody hell.  and even muttering "fuck 'em" or "pee on 'em" didn't help one little bit.

From 7:00 am till 1:30 (when I just walked out for a break) I didn't stop.  Parent after parent came to see me - and mostly with really stupid questions.  (and I wonder why some of our kids don't get it!!)  I was back in my office by 3 and then it all went downhill.  I had to account for over 100 kids when the bell rang.  12 kids went missing............... 12 !!!!  In my whole career I have NEVER had 12 kids go missing on the first day - on ANY day!!!  

By 4:30 I was back in my office fending off more stupid questions from parents keeping one eye on the clock cause the showing was scheduled for 5:30.  

At 5:20 my cell phone rang.  I answered to hear an alarm going off and I could barely hear the voice over the noise.  It was my real estate agent.  She managed - god  knows how - to set off my alarm.  I was trying to tell her how to cancel it ... it wasn't working - so I figured I was wrong.  I grabbed my purse and was almost shouting at her over the noise to tell her I was on my way home and would be there in 10 mins.  Just then she managed to shut the damn thing off.  When I hung up from her my phone rang immediately.  My alarm company phoning to tell me there had been an "event" at the house. Oh yeah really??!!!  (rolling eyes)

Finally at 6:00 I came home and collapsed.  

If the first day is any indication of how my year is gonna go................. just shoot me now ok???

Mottos

W started last Wednesday (my first day back at school) sending me lil emails first thing in the morning (I don't even ask how he has time to think of that what with ALL he has on his plate right now) 

Wednesday's email said "breathe"..... Thursday's I think said 198 to go ........(which truthfully we both have to stop - the daily count down - cause ya know 190 anything seems like forever!!)  On Friday he sent me an email that said " Fuck 'em" I laughed out loud - cause ya know........ considering how (as usual) I am getting no support from any front - it was very appropriate.  So I spent Friday walking around muttering "fuck 'em" mostly in my head.  

(For those interested - my principal still hasn't had time to sit down with me and do MY staffing - the Board is not the least bit interested in finding me 5 new employees - school starts this Wednesday - AND my staff from last year have been calling asking about this year) 

Yesterday W and I went to a munch (keep up here I promise to tie it all together before I end and hopefully make some sense)

The munch was the usual gang of suspects - with the usual chatter/complaining/gossip - with a smattering of drama thrown in for good measure.  

This morning I opened some emails from the mailing list for the BDSM group W and I  belong to in Kingston - the city we will soon be calling home - and there it was - more drama - more hurt feelings - more inneundos.

I found myself muttering under my breath "fuck 'em  fuck 'em  fuck 'em  fuck 'em " over and over ............. 

This morning I went looking for a picture for Monday morning (as is my habit - to add pictures to each blog entry) and found the following.......... 

I think for the next little while I will mutter "fuck 'em" and then pee on them all........... that might work !!

Stress time..

Well it is that time of year again........... TAX TIME.

I spent yesterday morning at a workshop on preparing tax receipts.  I didn't do them last year 'cause I was lounging around in a hospital bed.  So it seemed like a good idea (and time) for a refresher course.

Remember me - the one who panics at the very thought of adding 1+1???

Well this is the time of year I dread........ hate....... and stress over.  I have (starting Monday - don't ask why I have to wait till Monday - it involves more math) 8 working days to run, issue, check and distribute over 800 Income Tax receipts to the families at school.

W is always telling me that if there are problems to just dump it back in the laps of the School Board... which would be nice - but just isn't realistic.   And this year - before I can distribute the damn receipts I have to wait for the Board to submit them to the government and then wait for the government do a quick check of them, and then issue the "ok" for me to send them out.  

And being me........ I am already fussing over this new step and the time delay it will create.... 

Anyway......... all of that is my way of saying.. I may not be very prolific over the next 8 days... but I promise once I get through this (survive this) I will be back wowing you all with the silliness that is my life.
 

Insane or what?

Many folks - especially vanillas - think we in the BDSM world are insane.  Literally.

But now even I am wondering what the hell is up with the BDSM community and some folks involved in it.

Oh we have all the in-fighting you might expect from a small closed community - who's best .. who knows more ... who the experts are ... who's done what ..who hasn't done what.... in-fighting ad nauseaum.

We have people bringing cameras and video cameras to events..... that's enough to send me running screaming ......... Some of us don't have the luxury of being "outed"  ...some of us run the risk of losing everything.......... job....... family.......kids. 


BUT I do believe we have reached a new level of insanity.  


This Saturday evening, the 4th of February - yes yes the very same Saturday I have had my eye on for 2 whole weeks -  we will have a journalist amongst us at the play party.


A journalist.


Wrap your head around that one!


OH this journalist has been told they cannot bring a camera - they can't bring a pocket recorder - just a pen and paper.  


And if you believe that one....... I have land I can sell you.............. 


A journalist at a closed private BDSM party and they won't bring a camera???!!!  Really???? oh goodie - then there's absolutely nothing to fuss over.. they promised no camera.

Honestly I believe we are doing more than embracing insanity - we are definitely feeling it up.... french kissing it and buying it a drink.

Journalists........ at a play party ............. mutter mutter mutter.

TGIF I think - edited

It's Friday right?? Tell me it's Friday ....... 7 more hours and this week is over... 7 more hours and I can come home put my pjs on and snuggle in...... 

Tuesday's Union Meeting went pretty much the way W said it would....... The Union supported me... Human Resources supported me... and I walked away feeling it was over.  (sometimes I can be so damn stupid!!)

The Wednesday night meeting was short and sweet and actually easy to get through - I managed to get home by 8pm... 


Thursday's workshop was a waste of time.. but that's ok they usually are.. and I survived that too....... 


The back stabbing is still going on... the gossip is still spreading.. lies are still being told... the sun came up .... and the sun went down........ I am brain dead.


The weekend is just hours away..... thank god it's friday !!!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Crisis

YES I am having a crisis - a major crisis - a "I can't think or move" crisis - a "HELP ME" crisis.

I was bragging I had almost finished my Christmas shopping ......... and I have...

SEE




and that picture doesn't show a couple of gifts - cause big daughter reads here and I don't want to ruin the Christmas surprise.. It also doesn't include the "Santa key" I bought for the lil grandbabies - nor the granny recorded "Twas the Night before Christmas" book for all the grandkids....

BUT

I am missing a gift for someone very special in my life... a grinch of huge proportions who refuses.. REFUSES... to give me any ideas or hints or suggestions for a Christmas gift!!! AND just to increase my crisis / stress levels he has a birthday 3 days AFTER Christmas !!!!

Who is it I am talking about ?? Who do you think - pffffffffffft - Warren of course!!!

And he wonders so innocently what it is he does that stresses me !!!!

I have an idea...... I think it is a good idea....... but I would have to give it to him for both Christmas AND his birthday .......... and I have always tried to stay away from doing that.. cause his memories of Christmas / birthday are memories of the two days mixing together and neither one being all that special :(

But then when I think about the idea......... I wonder if it is such a good idea.. maybe it would be a waste.. he doesn't really need it... sort of another gadget/toy for him to muck around with and maybe loose interest in a month..........

ohhhhhhhhh what to do ... what to do???!!!

( oh yeah - I also have to find something for the ex-husband who always shares special occasions with us.......but I can always get him a gift certificate)