Happy happy happy

Yes siree bob..... I am doing the happy happy dance - I am on SUMMER BREAK!

Yesterday - I did my OCD thing, labeled all the art supplies, put them neatly into the cupboards, packed up all the old files, put them in the storage room, answered my last few emails, changed my email to automatic response "I am on holidays till the last week of August", changed the phone message to "The School is officially closed. " (cause it is closed... that is.. won't be reopening in September - my new school will be opening in its place) ........ closed my office door, locked it, and walked out of the building grinning from one ear to the other.

I AM ON SUMMER BREAK !!

And what you ask (I can hear your curiosity) are you going to do to fill the 7 weeks of summer holiday - won't you get bored??

The first thing I did - yesterday when I got home from school - was turn off the damn alarm clock !!!

I am going to sit outside every day the sun is shining and have my morning coffee in my pjs with a good book, I am gonna do the minimal amount of cleaning (cause the damn dirt will be there again tomorrow), I am gonna party, and laugh and enjoy life, I am gonna travel. I am gonna visit the Heron Clan. I am gonna drag my camera everywhere and take thousands of pictures. I am gonna visit with my grandbabies. I am gonna swim. I am gonna drink coffee with friends maybe even sitting on a terrace somewhere and watch the world go by.

I am gonna grab life by the tail...... and give it a damn good shake !!!

Wanna come along for the ride???

CAUTION ! CAUTION ! CAUTION !

This is an email advisory...............

BEWARE............ be very aware.....

I have it on good advice that there are a rash of emails circulating about me.

DO NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ !!

Oh wait !!

Maybe you should.

You see I have no idea what these emails say..... I only know Sir F (big test here do you remember who I am talking about) was in a very cheeky mood last evening and was busy on my netbook for quite a while sending out emails............. at least I think she was sending emails..........

Maybe she wasn't.

She is VERY good at the mind fuck.

Maybe ....... if you get a mysterious email you should verify with me .. ok?? (sweet innocent smile)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
editorial note: over night a new blog has sprung up........by the same dangerous woman (better known here as Sir F) mentioned in today's blog.

I will actually add a link under BDSM blogs so that you can continue to find her....(see TWISTED )....... who knows she might actually blog semi regularly and might just have something to say (sweet innocent smile)

Intense

From my end of the whip - Saturday night's play session felt very intense.

When Sir M (pay attention now !!! from now on Sir M will be the male Sir ........ and Sir F will be the female Sir - just so you know.) was playing with me the first time I was bitching and complaining (as I am prone to do during the first time) and He had leaned in and reminded me that I had asked for a HARD session...... I distinctly remember getting this grin on my face - cause I knew I was gonna get exactly what I asked for and there were no worries.

BUT it was the second session that was the hardest.. most intense.. and the one that kinda rocked me ...........

It was somewhere around the flogger time that I realized how hard he was hitting me... the sound of the floggers hitting me (two at a time) were reverberating through the club. I turned my head slightly and opened my eyes to see a rather large group of folks standing around watching............ AND.......this time it didn't matter to me in the least that it might be like watching a "train wreck" ....... I found myself thinking "this IS who I am !!! watch and learn" and in my mind at least I did a little ass wiggle at them all.

At one point I lifted my head slightly and asked "Please Sir - more and harder - please Sir !!" Sir M was more than willing to ratchet it up a notch or two - or three. The floggers were hitting with such force that I felt my body being jammed into the bench that was supporting my body....... and each time as they lifted from my back/ass / whatever - I would reposition myself for the next strike. Welcome it.. cry out for it. Hell at one point when Sir M had gone to using the one bigger heavier flogger the strike hit with such force that the bench I was leaning on skittered forward over the floor, my knees buckled, the lights danced brightly ...... it took me a while to find "up" and find my legs .. and get it all back into position for the next hit.

Intense - yeah!! Good yeah !! what I wanted - MOST definitely.

And as I have said before...... I can and usually do have multiple orgasms during the play sessions. Saturday was no exception. Well there was one big difference - something I noticed.

Usually to bring me to orgasm .. the Sirs have to use the implement of choice in a distinct pattern/rhythm...... and watch my body respond.. and judge.. and sometimes coax.......

On Saturday evening the rhythm wasn't as important as the strength of the hits.. the harder the better. The first orgasm that wracked my body - left me breathless and a bit shocked. I had cum from the sheer unadulterated pain. I found myself going WOW !!

The best one ever was when Sir F was going to town on my ass, Sir M was standing at my head going to town on my back.. and I felt the familiar tightening of the muscles deep in my belly, felt the tightness travel down my legs right into my toes, felt my body arching off the bench ....... straight up........ eyes closed - mind and body wrapped in the spasms that were shaking my world......... and there was one or two really hard hits - exclamation points I thought ............. and then Sir M was standing straight up - pulling me tightly into his massive chest, his arms holding me tight ........ and Sir F had come up behind me and had wrapped her arms around my quaking body - holding me tight ........... and I floated there for a minute or two feeling ............. there are no words to really do justice to what I was feeling..... safe........ loved........ valued...... all of that and more !!!


And that is not to say we didn't have our moments of comedy - peels of laughter. Once when Sir M placed a hit that managed to catch my shoe and pull my toes (which had curled ) out of the shoe.. and while he continued to hit I bent my leg up and wiggle the shoe until I could get my toes back into it.. not missing one hit........ though it looked a bit odd to see me with my leg bent up almost around my ear while I tried to get the toes back in........

Another time a strike had gone a little astray and I had yelped.. and Sir M came up to my ear and was asking where ??? and I stuttered and stammered trying to find a demure way of telling him........ finally settling on .. It hit my jewelry..... and we both laughed...

But this Saturday evening I was left with one word........ "intense" ...... It had been hard........ I think the hardest yet ......... and it was amazing !

HUH???

HUH?? or why I don't play and drive.

I woke up this morning in my bed....... it was 9:30 am and all I could think was "what the hell happened?"

Let me take you back to Friday evening.............

S&S were over with r and we played......... not very heavy - just some nice lil mummification....... and a wee bit of pussy torture (on me - not r - he doesn't have a pussy) When everyone was leaving I leaned into the male S and whispered "can we play hard tomorrow night please??? And he promised yes.

It felt like months since we had played hard - hitting, flogging, whipping, hard - that kind of hard. In reality though it had just been a couple of weeks - there are so many other ways to play dontcha know !!! I had moved past "jonesing" and was in the "I know I am missing something but what is it?" stage.

So we all went off to a play party last evening.......... and it wasn't too long before the male S had me in a play room over a piece of equipment going at my ass. At one point I think I was bitching and complaining and calling him all manner of nasty names when he pointed out to me I had asked for HARD play. Right .. shut up stupid one and just enjoy.

AND enjoy I did. I had this grin plastered to my face with each hit that sent me lunging across the equipment. It just felt so damn good ya know??!! It really didn't take long for the endorphins to kick in and I was floating out there .. somewhere.. safe and content in the knowledge that 1) I was getting just what I wanted 2) I was lucky enough to be in a 'family' that believes in "ask and ye shall receive and 3) that I could fly as high as I wanted safe in the knowledge that I was wrapped safely and tightly in a loving caring 'family.

Now usually S&S try to fit at least 3 hours of play in with me... last night they scaled it down to two. Two is good....... two is VERY VERY good !! After the last play time I was settled onto a sofa - enjoying the white noise around me.. enjoying the twinkling lights (hey !!! they were twinkling in my mind!!) and enjoying the burning ache in my body.

The male S came to me and in that sharp voice they get when they really need me to be in the here and now - he called my name and said that we were going home. I scampered up and collected up my toys, pulled my skirt on (no easy job when you are pulling it on over shoes with stars in your eyes!!) and followed them down the stairs. I do remember asking at one point what time it was............. I think the answer was 2 A.M. but honestly I don't know.

All I do know for sure is I woke up in my bed at 9:30 A.M. without any real concrete memory of how I got there.. and how in god's name did it get to be 9:30 A.M. - I do NOT sleep in !!!!

I do know that as today progresses - memories of last night will come floating back.. and I promise a more detailed Monday Morning report...

BUT this is why I do not play and drive!!!

Just saying............

For the better part of my life........ I have been a puppet for whomever holds the strings. Pull this one and I move this way.. Pull that one I move that way. Pull them all and I dance and jump and run around.

Those that know me .......... know they can pull my strings and I will jump. People get very good at pulling strings.. and I jump without much thought. 'Cause that's the way it has always been.

Funny thing is though..........Yesterday I found this amazing pair of scissors..........



and I have cut the damn strings. Cut 'em good and short.

Not gonna be any more pulling my strings. Nope no way no how !!

Just saying is all.......... Just saying.

Anticipation

I am definitely suffering from major 'anticipation' right now. Hell I feel like a kid at Christmas - "how many more sleeps Mommy?? huh?? huh?? how many more??!!"

Why you might ask is this anticipation worse than other weeks??

Simple.

Last evening over coffee and Bailey's (cause yes I did survive the year and didn't kill anyone!!) S&S proposed something completely different....... something completely new.. something completely untried.

They are going to come here for dinner on Friday night ..... and bring r the other sub who plays with them.

But that isn't the good part........... (well yes that is good !!! but not the best part)

The best part is........... they said we would play privately here at the house !!!

There was lots of talk about my having to buy more thongs soon....... and talk about my having to buy new bras (!!!) and lots of hints and innuendos (probably mind fucks)............. but the trouble is I don't know (now) when they are mind fucking me and when they aren't.......... grrrrrrrrrrrrr (and I thought I was so good at managing mind fucks!!)

I couldn't sleep last night...... planning out all the stuff I have to accomplish today to be ready to entertain S&S and r for dinner. I have to get the meat into marinade...what to have with the meat??? rice ... potatoes - do I even HAVE potatoes??!! salad for sure.... I have to make a pineapple upside down cake (cause I promised them one!!)..... I have to get the house cleaned ... and the basement too cause everything has to be ready - just in case - ya know what I mean?? !! and I have to do the usual stuff like laundry.

So it is 5 am and I couldn't sleep - I think I will go make coffee and start laundry.. and check for potatoes... and and and......... everything has to be ready.......

One more sleep - one more !!

Sex

For a while there I hadn't been able to masturbate..... mainly because I had become accustomed to??? programmed to??? used to??? only having orgasms from pain. I had teased S&S at one point that they were ruining me for masturbation - it was almost impossible to have an orgasm - even with my handy dandy hitachi.

The other night over coffee, somehow the topic came up of orgasm denial and orgasm delay..... orgasm play I guess. I had said that they could forget about orgasm denial - cause there was no way my body was gonna listen!! They brought up that delay might be something worth working on with me....... because I am - to put it mildly - 'easy'.

I have been thinking about that conversation. Knowing that they are true to their word (see blog about losing thongs) I decided I had better come up with some sort of "subbie" plan ....... you know what I mean - someway of either bratting it out with them..... or actually going along with them.

Bratting it out was gonna be tough. Both of them can read my body language pretty damn well now. So even IF I don't moan and arch and do all those obvious signs of orgasm... I was pretty sure I couldn't actually sneak one or two past them without their noticing.

Going along with orgasm delay sounds ........... intriguing (for lack of a better word).... but when I only get to play with them on weekends..... the need for pain/orgasms is pretty damn strong by then........ and I am not sure I am that much of a masochist ....... cheeky grin.

This morning for some reason....... probably cause I only have 4 kid hours left at work.... I came home for my mid morning break feeling......... horny (no polite way to put it)

I enjoy being horny as it helps with the build of anticipation towards the weekend....... BUT .. what with all the discussions of orgasm delay /denial ......... I thought it might be a good idea to take the edge off - so to speak.

I am here to say stress free makes for excellent masturbation times and even better orgasms !!

Now they also have a theory that the more one orgasms the more one can..... and does .. and wants. I think that is one theory I am gonna put to the test. Hell I have nothing to lose - IF they actually intend to try orgasm delay...........

Ummmmmmm am I being bratty ?? or just practical??

Life

Sometimes life just up and bites you in the ass.. know what I mean??

About 4 weeks ago - eldest daughter - after months and months of trying - announced to the family she was pregnant. We were all so happy for her.. I was ecstatic. My heart felt so full. I was happy in my life.. she was finally pregnant.. baby daughter had bought a house.. All was right with the world.

A week after her joyful announcement she called to tell me she had miscarried. I cried my heart out for her.

But life goes on.. and I tried to bolster her morale with the thought that at least she knew she could GET pregnant.

Then on Friday evening I got a message. She was being admitted to the hospital. It turns out that the miscarriage - really wasn't a miscarriage...... but rather an ectopic pregnancy that had been missed.

She was operated on Saturday morning......... they had to take the tube and her appendix. The placenta had grown out of the tube and attached itself to her appendix.

She was sent home on Sunday afternoon. I visited her yesterday and was pleased to see how good she looked..... and despite some pretty nasty aches and pains her spirits were good. While they had been in there poking about.. they took a look at the other tube and the ovaries. She got the word that she can still make babies.

One day soon (fingers crossed) I will be announcing the count down to a new member of the family.......... BUT for now...... lots of tender loving care.. and a little humour to brighten the day............

Masochist me.......

I have been struggling with the label "masochist" for a while now. You all know this .. and yeah I know it sounds a little bit like a summer repeat. But the truth of the matter is.......... people's reactions to what I take affects how I feel. It is wrong....... I know it is wrong - to allow other people's perceptions affect how I feel about me.

S&S spent a long time yesterday working on helping me get over this. They recognize the pain it is causing in me. They recognize that all the "are you ok's" and all the "you are toughs" are working negatively on me. Eventually the knowledge that I LOVE who I am right now.. and that I LOVE the pain will radiate out from me... and I will find just the right "smart assed " answer to give to all those folks who watch me play - much like they would watch a train wreck and then ......... push their insecurities .. their fears.. their whatevers .. onto me. One day I will find the right flip answer.

I know what happened this weekend to bring back the sadness within me about the masochist label. People had become accustomed to watching S&S play with me.. whip me and beat me and have me dissolve in mess of jelly at the end of a play time.

BUT......

this weekend was the first time they ever watched a knife being used on me........ and there weren't even any cuts !! Just the sharp point of the knife drawing patterns on my back....... weaving itself down my back around my ass.. between my legs .. over my pussy... down my thigh....... my moans musically bouncing off the night air.. reverberating across the property.

I know the male S would lean down and quietly whisper "you can say NO - you can stop it" and each time I would shake my head and gasp "don't stop........ please don't stop" and the knife would continue it's torturous journey over my skin. I was in a very good place.... my breath would catch in my throat as I felt the tips of the knife cut a pattern across my breasts - catching the nipples... My heart would pound as I felt the tips of the knife slide inside my clit jewelry and lift it high... higher .. highest..and my hips would levitate off the bench I was lying on - as if by magic.



And then there was the breast beating. Male S had promised me over a week ago, that the time was coming when my breasts would take his beating. And I have been craving it... dreaming about it.. longing for it. And Saturday evening, just before our last play session, he leaned into me and whispered in my ear... "What toys can you take on your breasts??" and I answered " I haven't a clue - let's try them all and I will tell you". Cause that is the masochist in me........ I want to try it once - twice maybe three times and decide what I really love and what I really like.. and what ....... well there really hasn't been a what I don't want.

And so after the knife had drawn it's pretty patterns... with the night drawing to a close, he laid me out on my back - breasts exposed and it started. First his hand slapping and stinging and warming me up...... building up the need ........ cause for me.. the little warm up sparks the fire deep inside me for more and more and MORE please Sir !!! And then the paddle ...... and the leather strap thingy ... and ouch my nipples hurt .......... and my breasts burned...... and it felt so damn good !!!



The masochist me was fed..... contented and purring like a kitten......... and one day you .... who watch as though it was some train wreck ..........will see the joy inside me.. the total trust and love for the couple who can bring me to such highs and hold me safe. And you will learn that you don't need to be scared by the masochist that is ME

Poking the Dom......

I have a bad habit...... yes only one !!!

S&S have nicknamed it "poking the dom". I call it being a brat..... and sometimes (honest true!) I don't even know I am being bratty.

The male S purchased a new knife and S&S have been teasing me unmercifully with when it will be 'christened' on me. They said "after school is finished"....... BUT this weekend they spoiled me and did knife play on me both Friday and Saturday.




Over the years of knife play I have had more than one Dom threatened to cut my clothes off - for various reasons. BUT - it has never happened. (that is important to note because that is my point of reference for "threats" - they aren't followed through on)

Ok so Saturday we are at an all day .. all night play party. The male S was doing fancy knife work all over my body. Besides the knife pictured above...he also had an old Scout knife - handed down from his grandfather. That is the knife that had been used on me Friday evening. It was nice.. but honest to god - it didn't feel sharp at all !! At one point male S was teasing me with this scout knife and he was asking me how much I liked my black thongs I was laughing and said "I am not worried that knife wouldn't cut butter" (do ya see my first mistake??!!) S followed with pulling the thong out from my body (sort of a wedgy thing) and I was laughing and said "it just won't do IT!!" (or something along those lines)

The next thing I knew the knife cut through the thong - faster than a hot knife through butter....... and I was handed my thongs. OH MY GOD!! shocked is an understatement for my reaction...... embarrassment is pretty high up on the list too...

Thankfully I was wearing a dress and not just a corset..... so other than play times .. and who the hell looks then?? ... I was demurely covered.

Restik (another sub who plays with S&S) kept saying through out the day with this cheeky grin "so what did you learn from this lesson??" and laughing.

I can tell you what I learned..... two things - always carry a spare thong - just in case - AND - poking these Doms tends to bring about promised results.......

Playing hard.....

Sir Steve wasn't up to going out last evening .... so at 8:30 Sir Siobhan and I headed out to a play party. I will admit to butterflies - because well .. this was new.. Sir Siobhan and I playing alone. I hadn't even brought most of the toys because I wasn't entirely sure she would use them/play with me. (ok I will admit that was one of my more stupid assumptions)

I am here to report we had a blast !!! So much fun !!!
In my past lives I have always been called the "toy test dummy" because I would always volunteer to have some new toy used on my ass. BUT last night was entirely different.

I didn't have any new toys used on me.. NO......... Sir Siobhan had been chatting with a new Dominant and he came to watch us play. While she was doing the warm up .. she leaned down and asked me if SP could finish the warm up. I had no problem with that at all. I mean how bad can a new dom be....... AND Sir Siobhan was there to make sure nothing went wrong.

The warm up went along well...... SP even got into the game we play "the number of the day" .........yesterday the number was 3 ....... so he would spank spank spank and then lay on 3 hard ones. Sir Siobhan taught him how it helps a subbie "deal" with a hard one if you immediately cover it with your hand and press inwards HARD. And SP passed the test - both by my evaluation and Sir Siobhan's.

The play continued - harder - and Sir Siobhan was in the driver seat again. BUT my quirt caught SP's eye and I am guessing (cause I wasn't included in THAT conversation) that he really REALLY wanted to try it.

So I offered up my ass for his edification. They both moved from the quirt to the paddles... and the worst that happened to me was at one point I got a small charlie horse and was whooping and hollering and rubbing it .. and dancing around the room.

The one thing though about being a demo tool for some new Dominant is ........ I didn't get the endorphin rush I live for.........not even a drop of endorphins. When we were finished and packed up and back downstairs cooling down........ I realized I was ok !!! I had taken about an hour of pain without endorphins and almost no white knuckles. It was amazing.

It was also a downer. I needed/wanted/craved my endorphins - Hell it was FRIDAY .. I am always jonesing real bad by Friday.

But Sir Siobhan wasn't finished either........ not much of a Top space for her. So it wasn't long before we were back upstairs and she was going for the high we both crave and need.

All in all I am here to report - the evening was a total success. What had started out as a maybe ok evening (in my mind) turned out to be a really fun time !!

Getting through it

I have four kid days left ....... FOUR......... easy as pie you say???? It should be........

I was saying to S&S last evening - IF - I make it to next Wednesday in one piece....... well relatively in one piece....... I gonna sit down with the biggest glass of Bailey's.

That is IF I don't kill anyone - like the staff member who has decided that pulling uneaten food out of the garbage and forcing the kids to "finish" their lunches is good sound policy...... like the kids who believe that there is no one any longer they have to listen to.......... like the schools who believe I have absolutely nothing to do since my school is closing and send me paperwork that needs to be done yesterday......... yeah IF I don't kill anyone.

Saying goodbye to "my special kiddies" is always the hardest. In the past I knew - they knew - everyone knew - I would be there in September - they would be there in September.. and everything would be ok...... the goodbyes were bitter sweet but we knew we would see each other again in September. This year...... despite the fact I have only been there for 10 months - I have managed to collect quite a menagerie of "my special kids". There isn't a day goes by now that one or another of them doesn't come up and grab me in a tight bear hug and sniffle out the question "why can't you come with me??" I know there will be other "me's" at their new schools who will take them under their wing and keep them safe .......... but somehow that doesn't help me feel any better about these goodbyes.

I have been searching for some plausible coping mechanisms - from chanting "I will get through this" to "I will survive this" to craving / looking for extra pain to release some of the stress..... to stamping my foot, being cranky and impatient and suffering with massive headaches.

But there is no way to "get through this" easily. One day at a time.. one hour at a time.. one more teary kid in my arms at a time...........

June is truly the month I love to hate.

Masturbation with pain

In case you haven't looked at a calendar - June is quickly coming to an end. June the month I live for.. the end of school - summer vacation... Yet it is also the month I dread....... the wheels tend to fall off the bus in this last month of the school year.. everyone - kids and staff alike - tend to try sliding into an early vacation. My stress builds - and I wouldn't say I turn cranky but I do tend to be more stressed - and that stress can find all sorts of outlets .. mostly crying and stamping my feet ..... and being VERY impatient.

Yesterday had been a particularly bad day and by the time I dragged my ass home I was grinding my teeth. I think someone should invent a "dial a dom" service. I needed something last night to ease the stress...... something = pain.

Over dinner I was fantasizing about this "dial a dom" when I realized I could conceivably create my own pain........ and pleasure.

Now I have to say this right up front.. when it comes to pain I can be a huge wuss. I can't flog myself or paddle myself - well I can - but not with enough passion to make it work. So over dinner last night - I plotted out a way to try and find some pain and pleasure mix to ease the stress - and the headache !!

In the past few weeks I have discovered that I could put nipple clamps on my pussy in such a way that the chain connecting the two clamps was woven over and around the vibrator....... and then.. well I am sure I don't have to draw anyone a picture - I get increased amounts of pain - without wussing out.

But last night I really did want more than that...... much more.

I thought of knives - hell I have been thinking of knives a LOT over the last 8 weeks or so. But the couple I have aren't as sharp as I originally thought when I bought them.......... then I remembered the wartenburg wheel.




The wartenburg wheel can feel like hundreds of needles plunging into soft sensitive skin ........ it can (if one is not careful) even cause some bleeding.

So I went and collected the wheel - and the clamps and the vibrator . Laid myself down on a towel on the bed (cause if it worked the way I planned - it could get messy) ... and got to IT.

I started slowly with the vibrator inserted and wrapped like a Christmas present in silver chain vibrating low and picked up the wheel. I started slowly running it over my breasts ....... going nowhere near my nipples - cause nipples hurt ya know !!

The wheel felt nice - NICE!! I wasn't looking for nice. I pushed a little harder as I ran it over my breasts... still nice.. I took a deep breath and ran it over my nipples. WTF??!! I couldn't feel it. Were my nipples dead??!! I pushed a little harder and got a spike of pain up into my left shoulder. OUCH .. dropped the wheel.

Ok try the wheel running down my stomach over my thighs heading for the clit. PROBLEM !! the chains and vibrator were in the way. UGH!! Besides I still couldn't seem to get just the right pressure to create enough pain...... and not drop the damn wheel.

In frustration I tossed the wheel onto the bed and just concentrated on the vibrator wrapped in the chain.

I will say I managed to "pleasure" myself ..........but not much pain. I had a nice hot bubble bath afterwards .. and can honestly say that the headache left and my stress levels had gone down a notch or two.

I guess there really is no substitute for a good dom with a good strong right arm.

Now if someone would just invent a "dial a dom" my stressful evenings might be more successful.

Thought for the day

All I have to say today is........ Sometimes life just sucks.

Masochist

I have known since a relatively young age - that I loved pain. I am pretty sure I have regaled you all with cutting stories and how the adults in my life freaked and how I learned to pack those feelings away deep down inside - thinking I would never let them see the light of day again.

Masochists are scary people........... to other people......... except maybe to Sadists.

Saturday evening I had someone turn to me and say "You don't look like a masochist". WTF??!!! Someone want to tell me what a masochist looks like please?? Are we supposed to have horns coming out of our heads, tails hanging out the back?? What the FUCK are we supposed to look like??

All I know is that I don't look like one.

Truthfully I found that announcement more than a little bit insulting. I do not find it necessary to tell folks that I see at parties what they "don't look like" and there are more than a few that "don't like Dominants" that "don't look like slaves" that "don't look like a myriad of other labels we apply" It is none of my business - as far as I am concerned.

And I most definitely did not like the reference to my age .......... what was THAT about?? BDSM is only for young people?? Old ones like myself should be in the kitchen baking cookies???? Here's a newsflash I am not YOUR Aunt Lucy - but I am a mother and a grandmother...... AND a masochist!! Surprise Surprise Surprise !!

The Sirs are always telling me how rare a "true" masochist is. I see that as a bit of a back handed compliment. I am rare .. I choose to play with them.. they are lucky. Follow that logic?? (too bad if you don't maybe I am grabbing at straws) They also have a bet going with me (sort of a bet) that within the next two weeks I will start getting offers from other Sadists to play. (Sadists are as rare as "true" masochists dontcha know) I am not sure that is a compliment. I understand I am free to play with whomever I wish...... but what if I only wish to play with them??!!

And here's a big shocker - what if I decide to play with someone who is NOT a Sadist....... because there are so many other forms of play that maybe I would like to try / enjoy??? like some sensual play...... Just because I am a masochist does not mean I only want pain !! It does mean IF I only got sensual play I would be bored yes..that after a while I would be "jonesing" for pain yes...... but I am more than a masochist. Don't people get that???

I am the sum of the total of my parts. I am many many different things. And I really do wish that I wasn't the only one celebrating the many different sides of me.

Why can't I just be "morningstar" ?

My secret garden

I was awake at the crack of dawn today - having gone to bed at the crack of dawn (literally) suffice it to say I didn't get much sleep.

My body ached and my heart ached...... and I knew it was past time to find my secret garden again and bring it back to life. My precious secret garden was threatened ....... evil thoughts evil threats.... I haven't been able to work there. But this morning with the birds singing......I dug, I pruned, I trimmed, and I caressed my fairies - oh how I have missed them this long winter. The bushes I have planted and moved and re-planted and moved yet again have finally started to blossom in their final spots. The branches spreading high create safe refuge for my lil fairies.

There is an order to my secret garden. You probably wouldn't see it....... but it is my order and my plan and my secret garden. It calms my soul to work in the dark earth... to feel it between my toes.. to dig out the few weeds that dare to take root in my secret garden.

When the work was done I plunked myself down in the grass and laid - like a 4 year old - on my tummy and peaked into the greenery and caught glimpses of my fairies and knew in my heart of hearts that all is right with the world.... with my world.

Come who may.. to visit...... you will never see my secret garden...... it is mine and it hides within my heart.

Leather

I have never really liked leather... never felt the urge to wear leather. BUT I am beginning to wonder if it wasn't just a knee jerk reaction to something I didn't fully understand or appreciate.

I do know - now - when I see S&S dressed in their leathers, something deep inside of me goes weak and trembles. I know - now - that there is something very sensual about the brush of leather across hot skin. I know - now - that leather does not have to be stiff and formal. I am - now - thinking it may not be long before I decide to buy my first piece of leather clothing.

(and yes this is a bit of a bouncing ball.... from clothing to family )

I have been curious about the term "leather family" and as with everything new that crosses my life path, I have decided to learn as much as possible about it.

In my research / and questioning / and reading I realize I have so much to learn. This will be a long learning experience. It would seem that for everyone who is in a leather family there is a definition of what "leather family" means.

BUT

I have also read how leather is more than a way of dressing. That one can remove all the leathers and still have leather in their heart. It is a way of seeing the world around us. It is a philosophy .. a dedication .. a way of life.

It is a need to share, to teach, to mentor. And anything that offers guidance, leadership, sharing of knowledge, can't be all bad.

If anyone has reputable websites to share with me on the history of Leather families, how they work, what they are - anything and everything about Leather families - drop me a note in the comment section or email me. I am deadly serious about wanting to learn all I can.

On feeling needed

When one is bottoming versus being collared there is a whole different mind set. And trust me when I say it takes some getting used to...........

At first I fumbled my way along....... never sure what to expect - or what to ask for... never knowing if this was the last time I would play with S&S .. or how long till the next time I would be asked to play with them. There isn't the same stability (for lack of a better term) in bottoming versus being collared.

It has now been 5 weeks - yes only 5 weeks - since the first time they played with me. In between times we have had multiple coffee dates... and a couple of shopping trips.

My anxieties about if.. when.... they would play with me again are slowly subsiding.

And all this anxiety is being replaced with a brand new feeling. I have sorta kinda poked this feeling a few times - pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming...... and I wasn't. They WANT to play with me. They ENJOY playing with me. They LIKE me just for who I am.

The other night they arrived for a coffee date.. and I walked with them into the kitchen to get some coffee and the male S grabbed me and pulled me in for a tight long hug. And my heart soared! I didn't need to ask for the hug... I just got one.

They have teased me about a comment I made the other day in my blog about "some day down the road, I may start looking for a full service Dominant" they said "HE" could warm me up .. but they wanted me for the play time.... then there were good natured jokes about scaring this "full service Dominant" away..... jokes that's all it was........ but I realized it made me feel needed and wanted.

I am special to them and that is a very nice feeling. I am special and needed and not for any other reason than who I am.

WOW !

I am one very lucky bottom !

(and before anyone wonders - there is joy in my needing them as well )

Jonesing

I am gonna show my ignorance here.. not sure if anyone else uses the term "jonesing" it wasn't something I heard / used before I met S&S. However it has come to be my usual state of being by Wednesday.

Jonesing is dancing around fidgeting wanting craving needing ......... can't bloody wait !!!

This jonesing attitude is multiplying 10 fold this week........ because I have discovered I don't just do this jonesing thing for BDSM..........

Have you noticed a little clock ticking away in the right column......... 19 days it says today........ that is 19 more days till summer vacation. (and 40 days till I head off to visit the Heron Clan!!)

And I am tired........ more than tired.. exhausted.

It has not been an easy year for me...
You know the stresses doctors list off as being extremely bad for you?? moving, death, divorce.

Kill ya kind of stress.

This year I have changed jobs, moved, got deathly sick and had a 10 year relationship end. I am like the bloody energizer bunny - I just keep on going.

BUT I am beginning to feel the effects. I want to curl up in a little ball, pull the blankets over my head and just sort of let the world carry on without me for a little while. I want someone to snuggle me and hold me.. and let me cry and promise me it will get all better. Even though I KNOW it will get all better.. and summer will come and between now and then my dance card is still full.....

It's just right now......... right this very minute... I am tired.. and feeling sorry for myself.

Ok - so maybe this post isn't so much about jonesing as it is a pity party...... and hey I haven't had one of those in a LONG time.... so I am allowed !

More Sex

I was having a chat last night - about how things are changing at BDSM play parties.

Play seems to involve (in a lot of cases) a whole lot of sexual touching, sexual play. Now I am not a prude (ok ok I am a little bit of a prude) but that isn't the driving factor behind today's post.

What bothers me is the total lack of "protection" that I am also seeing. Doesn't anyone remember the 60's and 70's and the sexual freedom along with the consequences???

What I am seeing at parties is ......... vibrators being used on multiple partners with no protection. Hands moving from these pink bits to these pink bits without gloves - never mind even a good hand washing!!

Don't people remember the virulent spread of HIV and other less scary STD's???

Is the BDSM community becoming the new "gay" community (of the past) where anything goes and damn the consequences???

Honestly it scares me to death.

Good people playing recklessly and with total abandon.

When did BDSM become all about sex?? I used to cringe when I would go to a play party only to discover it was the new s/m (stand and model) ... Then I got discouraged when I discovered more and more people were happier playing at home or at swingers clubs..... Now I am gob smacked by BDSM becoming all about sex - public or otherwise.

I went to a play party recently where I was a little excited because a Dom I once admired for his "hard" play style was going to be attending. I thought I would have something entertaining to watch.

What I saw left me disappointed for days. This dom came in .. stood with hands on hips and his submissive knelt at his feet and gave him a blow job - in front of everyone. My reaction was "good god !! couldn't you have done that BEFORE you got here??!!"


Am I a dinosaur?? Am I the only one who thinks BDSM is about floggers and whips and paddles oh my !!! I feel like there are a whole new set of rules to this game called BDSM and someone forgot to give me the rule book.

And I am worried that this beloved community is in for an influx of STD's and worse.

Doesn't anyone else feel this is unsafe play?? am I the only voice crying in the wilderness???

Sex

I have encountered a couple of interesting phenomena in the last month of being a "free woman" ..........

The first is this freedom to play with whomever I wish.

At first I was very shy about the whole idea. Again I equate the whole phenomenon with dancing. After so many years of dancing with one partner I was shy about dancing with someone else... what if I stepped on their toes?? What if they didn't dance to the same music as me??

But over time I have become a bit more daring.... and have agreed to play with a couple of folks. Most by now have watched me play with S&S and are fully aware of what I am looking for in a play session. Some have even changed their wording from "Want to play with me ??" to .. "Can I warm you up?" (which I find rather amusing)

Sunday afternoon is a good example. A Dominant I know quite well - for many years - approached me with the warm up invitation. It is nice to know that even Dominants know their own limits. I joked with him - when he started with a rather nice hand spanking, that 4 hits was not a warm up!! And he was quite welcome to continue until his hand hurt. (cheeky grin)

The other phenomenon is how many Dominants seem to think that because I am no longer owned, and am willing to play with others.... that I am also open to sexual play.

It amazes me how many Dominants seem to think it is perfectly ok to have a bad case of the "wandering hand" syndrome.

Now I don't get that........ honestly I don't. I negotiated for a spanking not for a spanking with sex thrown in as a side dish. I think sex and sexual touching should be negotiated separately. Just because I say "yes you may spank me" does not automatically mean I am open to be fucked. Let's clarify the slut word.. you can call me a "pain slut" but don't ever try calling me - or thinking of me as - a slut.

If your hand has problems with traveling beyond the negotiated areas - you are gonna be told firmly to stop. If you don't understand the word "stop" trust me - that is going to be the very last time you get to spank me.

It all seems very simple to me... I am a masochist. I get sexual fulfillment from pain. I don't need anything else thank you very much.

Some day down the road - I may start looking for full service Dominant (cheeky grin) but for now I am happy in my role of masochist.

words of wisdom

If you are expecting any pearls of wisdom from me today.. might I suggest you come back tomorrow at the earliest.

I don't exactly know what's wrong with me today.... even at my worst I sit down at the computer .. open up the lovely blank screen.. put my fingers to the keys and some words come spilling out.

I have tried three times today..... the words are there...... but they won't spill out.. they are stuck behind some sort of blockage.

Friday night I went to a munch and had good fun meeting up with folks I hadn't seen in years !!!!

Saturday S&S took me up north to an all day play party. Well maybe not an all day party - it started at 2pm and went to 3:am - I think. I know I was home in bed by 12:30. I know they both played with me four times... each time for over an hour.

Sunday we went to another day time play party .. again .. not really day time.. it started at 2:00 and closed up by 10:00 - we left at 9 (I think)

Sunday I learned I may not have any limits but my body does. Despite all their best efforts to keep bruising to a minimum.. icing and massaging.. the body just fell apart during the second hour of play.

Today...... well today I took the advice I give out to subbies about caring for their bodies after hard play.. Advice I realize I should have followed 4 weeks ago when I first started playing with S&S. I bought the biggest bottle of Arnica that I could find and came home and slathered my ass and legs with it.

Tomorrow the healing should be well underway... physically and mentally. Tomorrow maybe the words will spill out and fill the screen with some sort of wisdom...

Today....... there are no words.

Going....... gone

Watch the clock - keep me a little bit grounded - tell me the time.

At first I growl, I curse, I stamp my foot, I wiggle and dance.

Strong hands hold me down, whispered voices in my ear.... then just a finger pressing in the small of my back.. and a stern "stay"

I feel the lift... I feel the body settle down into the rhythm

And then I am going going gone.

And bright colours explode in my head.

60 minutes gone - then 90 minutes is fast disappearing and another and yet another.. and soon there is nothing left to drain from my body .. my mind..

Sometime down the road of minutes there is a total sense of capitulation - take what you want - all you want - do what you will - offering up all my insecurities .., all my vulnerabilities ....... knowing you will keep me safe... you will keep me anchored by a thin strong thread to reality.

Trust lets me give everything over.... knowing that I AM safe .. no matter how open, how vulnerable I am... no matter how far I have gone. You are there holding tight to that thin thread....ready to bring me back.. to hold me and tell me everything is ok .. and I believe you and I repeat "everything is ok"

Because it is!

Whip Review

Last weekend when I was up in our Nation's Capital at a private party, I played with someone new......... no no not new new.. just a new play partner.

He had a brand spanking new - never been used - whip. I rather liked the colour - green and black. I am funny that way - I am quite often drawn to the colours rather than the implement. (Isn't there some squawky bird that is attracted to bright colours?? )

Anyway........

It wasn't the first time I have had a whip used on me. But the past experiences (excluding the circus whip and the vegan whip) haven't left me feeling all warm and fuzzy. In fact most of the time when I have been the victim of a large bull whip type whip - I have landed up with ouchies and marks that weren't meant to be there... In fact those were the times that I heard dominants go "OOOPS" which in my humble opinion is NOT a good thing.

He wanted me standing straight up.... braced by a spanking bench. I had my orders, don't react to the pouffff of the hair... but give him a thumbs up when the whip just touched my skin........ kissed it softly.

It felt like forever before I even felt the pouffff of the hair - never mind the soft kiss against my skin.

And then the stars were all aligned correctly and I felt the first sting of the whip across my back. BACK??!! WTF?? I really would have been happier if we started with my ass.. that is used to stingy biting lashes........ my back - not so much. But when one is standing - braced against a spanking bench - one doesn't get a whole lot of say where it starts.

There was one "misfire" where the whip wrapped around my neck and caught my collar bone - another one of those Dom's "ooooops" moments. And I can say - an oooops with a bull whip hurts like a bitch !!!

But we didn't give in... and back to standing straight... hearing the hiss of the snake - no wait - that was the hiss of the whip - just before it cut across my back and then later my ass.

I was just getting lulled into a sense of "DAMN this is feeling wayyyyyyyy too good" when there was this horrendous CRACK - I thought someone had been shot !!! But before I could react one way or the other the whip cut across some part of my anatomy. I realized (duh moment) it had been the whip making that crack.

Now I am sure - those more experienced in whips than I am - treasure those cracking moments. Me?? - not so much. I rather like quiet play times without the loud bangs that raise me from my reverie - thank you very much.

And the more I thought about those loud cracks........... and the more I thought about the sensations from the whip....... the more I came to the conclusion that a whip is more for the Dominant than the sub.

BECAUSE (you knew I was gonna give you a "because" right??) the crack of the whip... a loud cracking BANG in the quiet of the night ....... draws massive amounts of attention to the Dominant. Honestly no one spares the subbie more than a glance when a whip cracks - everyone's eyes turn to the noise and the person who created such a shock wave. Right then and there I came to the conclusion that the whip is a "show man's " toy. (and I mean absolutely NO offense to those whip lovers out there)

The other conclusion I came to...... is that the whip parallels the pain I get from the quirt. Now I love to hate the quirt. It cuts. It stings. It finally - eventually - hurts sooooooooo good. Much like the whip did. Just without the loud cracks that break the sound barrier.

I think I am a quiet player (ok ok - everyone who has played with me.. or watched me play - I know I know !!! foot stamping, hand smacking, cursing and swearing - is not exactly quiet play) BUT it is a helluva lot quieter than shot gun blasts in the dead of night. I like to stay locked inside my head...... dealing with the sensations... recording them somewhere in my sub conscious for later. Those cracks from the whip ......... well let's just say they kept me on my toes - in every sense of the word

It was fun.......... but I think I will stick to the quiet toys .. the soft lull you into a sense of false security toys....... stingy whippy cutting burning ouchie toys.

Excitement

This morning I was doing some quick scanning of blogs I read.... and came across one where the submissive was saying how sad she was. How there hadn't been any "excitement" ........... that she was bored. What made her blog entry personal was a comment that said "be careful or you will land up like us - breaking up".

And that got me to thinking .......... excitement versus boredom. And how the hell to prevent boredom. I don't think you can.. avoid boredom that is .. not totally. Not if all you do .. day in day out.. is routine kind of stuff........ with play throw in as an after thought.

I have come to realize we are very lucky here in our corner of the Great White North... we have not one .. not two.. but four clubs that offer BDSM nights on a regular basis !! There is something exciting about getting dressed up to go out to a club. There is something to be said for the anticipation of knowing you are gonna be strung up or strung down .. and beaten in front of an audience.

There is something to be said for the anticipation of knowing you are gonna be beaten ............ not once ..but twice maybe even three times at these clubs!! And not one of those play times is gonna be the same as the one before. There is something to be said for playing with people who are imaginative and daring... and love excitement as much as you do.

As much as I hate... and I do mean HATE ... the anticipation .. the waiting for the week to be over... it does add a high level of excitement to the relationship!! It helps in our "down" times when we meet for coffee and just chat, that S&S manage to work in some suggestions of what is to come........... sometime in the future... just like trailers to an upcoming movie. More anticipation on top of anticipation.

Some dominants get the anticipation factor. I am going to visit the Heron Clan this summer. There have been just a few emails back and forth with hints - just hints of what might happen. When I read those emails .. my stomach tightens.. my skin vibrates.. my heart pounds.

They say that sex / orgasms are mostly in the brain........... I think BDSM is mostly in the brain too...... the build up of anticipation.. the excitement building.... I believe I wrote once .. a while back.. about how I had endured the anticipation.. the excitement only to have it all fall flat. And how I had dropped like a stone. Cause it had all been in my brain......... I had started that journey to the right mind set way before the actual time and then had had the rug pulled out from under me.

The building of excitement / anticipation is just like really good foreplay - if it is done properly then the sub is ready willing and able to go almost anywhere you want to take her.

I used to worry .. in fact I used to say .. "don't love me so much that you can't hurt me" I have no fear of that now....... but now I do hope things don't get so mundane .. boring.. that they forget to help build the excitement .. the anticipation.

Cause SURPRISE !!! is a wonderful endorphin rush in itself

And that is Just my opinion !

Intimacy

Intimacy is as delicate as a flower petal

Intimacy is a whip held between two bodies, sliding up and down between the breasts, warm breath on my neck, whispered words, teasing words, a cheeky smile.

Intimacy is a blow from any toy and a hand quickly covering the hit zone, massaging, rubbing, coaxing one to relax into it, to climb on top of it, to fly away with it.

Intimacy is leather against naked burning skin.

Intimacy is a voice calling me ... telling me to look.... to stay here.... look again, stay with me.

Intimacy is being connected and the rest of the world disappears - even for a brief moment.

Intimacy is being pulled tightly into a warm embrace whispered words that everything is ok.. I am ok... I am safe.

Intimacy is a cup of coffee. an evening's chat, exchanged memories.

Intimacy is a look, a smile, a touch.

Intimacy is as delicate as a flower's petal......... soft and warm and sensuous.