Reality

Yesterday W and I went grocery shopping.  I was not prepared for Christmas decorations and Christmas “stuff” to be lining the store shelves.  It was like someone kicked me in the gut.

You see – I have always loved Christmas – always loved the excitement of the new decorations – the buying “stuff” for my family and friends – the decorating the house from top to bottom with lights and greenery and candles and Christmas smells.

I had set some money aside for my usual Christmas shopping sprees.   

Until……….

An old debt had to be paid off, the car needed new tires AND new rims, the cat got sick and other small but necessary bills depleted my bank account.  I have never in my entire life felt so broke as I do now.

AND yes I know I am a helluva lot better off than many.  And I should hang my head in shame.  But I can't.  like a petulant child I want to have the Christmas I am used to.  

BUT my reality is I am on a fixed income now.  I have to tighten my belt.  I have to learn how to tighten my belt.... I haven't had to do that for years and years and years.  

W spoiled me yesterday.  He bought me the garland I was lusting after for the stairs to the bedrooms.. and he bought me the Christmas crackers that have always adorned the Christmas Table for as long as I can remember  And I cried.  W hates Christmas - but quite obviously loves me enough to try and make my first retired Christmas miles away from my family as special as possible.

Maybe it's time for me to remember my all time favourite Christmas show and the ending that goes like this:

Grinch: How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
It came without packages, boxes, or bags!

Narrator: And he puzzled and puzzled, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more."

learning curve

I have been playing around with what to write about Saturday's play party.  I had a couple of images I was working with............ and then I don't know what happened....but I got stuck on the lack of dress code.  

Now don't get me wrong... the one thing I hated about attending parties here was the pressure to dress up - it always seemed like a major competition..... and I would stand looking in my cupboard and try to make up my mind what I could wear.  Once dressed I always felt like a little girl playing dress up.

Dressing for Saturday wasn't very difficult. I had one black skirt in Kingston and one corset.  But honestly almost no one dresses up in Kingston.. hell they don't even seem to care about the "black only" dress code that exists here.  One woman was wearing a pretty red rubber skirt  - with black rubber rain boots !!!  One other woman had a kimono over some lingerie.. but that was pretty much the extent of fet wear..... I am definitely gonna rethink my personal dress code for Kingston parties.

I don't think it is necessary to dress to the "nines" BUT .......... I also believe if you are going to a party - BDSM or otherwise - it is nice to clean up and dress up - a little bit.  Somehow jeans and t-shirts just don't cut it for me.  It all felt just too casual.  Surely there is a mid point - somewhere between sloppy casual - and dress up Barbie..dontcha think???

This new city - new community - is definitely a learning curve for me.

Discouraged

I have had another outbreak of my "tummy problems".  It started on Monday and just won't give up.......... despite my  going back to clear liquids and soda crackers.  Despite my NOT having (really) cheated on the strict diet.

The pain is probably the worst part - it doesn't matter how I sit - or lie - or stand - or walk - the gnawing pain in my gut is always there.  I have doubled my meds - again! and despite having had virtually no solids for 48 hours I still have tummy problems.

I am discouraged.

W and I have a party to go this weekend - actually two parties.  I kept thinking what a great way to celebrate the end of the year............. but now I am faced with this - again!! 

I certainly don't think I could bear wearing a corset for an evening -steel boning pressing into my lower gut - BUT ... I can't come up with any alternative.......... it's where my mind set is I guess........ corsets = play party.  What the hell did I wear before I had corsets??? god only knows 


I did some research - colds/viruses can aggravate the problem - so can Tylenol - stress can aggravate it...... so maybe it isn't something I ate this time.......

And because I am me..... I can't help but feel W is getting damaged goods :(  and it seems so damn unfair - ya know.  He deserves more - WE deserve more - we have waited so long for this time........ and now ....... damaged goods.

What a great way to start my summer holidays........... discouraged

AWOL - edited for humour

ok so we all know what a long rough week I had.  Saturday dawned and I just sorta kinda fell apart. I moved from my bed to the sofa and slept the morning away.  I woke up long enough to make some lunch and then collapsed back on the sofa.  

I was so tired - more than tired - exhausted.... body mind and soul.  I was down... down for the count..... I'm not even sure I am ready to talk about everything that went wrong last week... mundane stuff.. but it cut me to my core.  Gossip again.. that was spread to my parents and from the parents to my principal... AND this time my principal believed it...... and all I could think was I can't protest too much.... how does one fight mean spirited gossip when it's my word against someone else's - and I am not even allowed to know who????


Then my expense account (for over 400$) was given back to me - cause one receipt was NOT itemized.......... WTF???!!!  do they honestly believe I would line my pockets???!!!  I was am so insulted, 


Add to that my lil girl who is scared "mommy's gonna go to the sky" climbing onto my lap again (cause mom is too weak to see her and her sister).......... add to that 2 six year olds kissing and fondling each other and I had to speak to the parents..... add to that long days... and I just had nothing left.


Then Saturday afternoon - late afternoon - I got up off the sofa to get a cup of coffee and nearly fell over......... The pain in my groin that shot down to my knee was so severe.. what the hell was that???!!!  I took advil - I took more advil - and the pain just got worse and worse.  A pulled groin muscle (something I have never had so have no idea what it feels like) from lying around napping all day???!!!   At that point I was looking for someone to accept my resignation from the human race.


Sunday morning the pain in the groin was worse - I could hardly get out of bed.  My head hurt.  I felt very sorry for myself and very alone.  But alone was what I wanted .... I am such lousy company when I am out of sorts - physically and emotionally.  

And being me... decided the pity party had gone on long enough - sore groin or not - the house was gonna get cleaned and the laundry done.  And that's exactly what I did.  Strange as it sounds - but cleaning house centers me - and gets me out of the doom and gloom moods that come over me every so often.


So here it is Monday again........ my house is clean ...my clothes are clean.... and that is really all I have control over. The pain in my groin has subsided to a dull ache.   I have a new itemized receipt from the jewelry store... and my schedule for the week.  I will do my job with my head held high - because I know.. *I* know - that the gossips are wrong..... and ultimately that is all that really counts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

eldest daughter posted the following pic this morning over on Facebook - so who wants to be my best friend???

mixed feelings

I know I have written about my upcoming birthday....... and I read the comments.. and yes I know the alternative to having a birthday is not what I want.. and yes I know age is only a number.. and yes I know all the platitudes one offers up at birthday time..........and I know I should just "suck it up buttercup"

BUT


I am very conflicted about this birthday. (oh yeah and before I go any further - my birthday is not till the end of October). Baby daughter called and she suggested "coffee and cake" in the afternoon...... on the Saturday .. cause she has to go to work on the Monday........ and all I could think was "cake and coffee"???
Why is it no one can see past the "tough old bird" act?? Why is it my kids.. MY KIDS.. don't even want to celebrate a big milestone in my life???

It got to the point yesterday that I was even thinking I should throw my own party.... cause ya know what.. as much as I HATE the fact I am gonna be 60 and feel old in comparison to everyone around me... It is still MY birthday.. my celebration.. and damn it.. I want to be spoiled and celebrated and valued.

BUT it kinda defeats the purpose if I plan my own celebration doesn't it??? And besides ... biggest fear.. what if I plan a celebration and no one comes. who wants to find that out??? on their birthday??!!

So maybe I will give myself an extra special birthday present.. something just for me.... die my hair red or blonde or pink...... buy a red hat and actually wear it!! Maybe I will actually join the Society of Red hats and be proud of it!! Maybe I will just be another "Aunt Olive". (and that's not such a bad thing)

And one more thing I will do...... I will blow raspberries at all the 40 somethings that say I am OLD.... cause I know ........one day they too will be turning 60 ........ and pay back is a bitch.

UGH!!!

Ok I had a busy day planned.. a good day planned. I was going to do the laundry and clean my office upstairs.

That was my plan.

Then after a bad night's sleep I tried to log onto the net only to find my ISP server was down. DOWN???!!! I am good.. I document every time I have trouble with my internet server.... it was down twice in May.... four times in June.. and twice today (early this morning - then it came back up only to go down 4 hours later)

Then I also woke up to a beeping from my alarm system. The fire alarm battery was low. I remembered I had to call them before I took the batteries out YAY me!! but I didn't know what size batteries it took and didn't know that the minute I took the cover off to find out the size of said batteries I would set off the fire alarm.. which if anyone is interested ... goes directly to the fire department.

Ok so first things first.... shut the damn screaming alarm off..buy new batteries and get the damn thing working again....... which took forever because (who knew) you are supposed to leave the damn batteries out for at least 5 minutes before installing the new set. Oh well ALL the damn directions are written down and pasted to the alarm box so next year I won't forget.

Then I got on the phone with my ISP server and spoke to some guy named "Ian" from India - do they really believe giving these techs english names is going to make me understand them any better???!!!! or believe they aren't still out sourcing ??!! Any way.. after he had gone through his check list he passed me to "Michael" who also went through his check list.. and got me up and running. BUT.. (why is there always a BUT???) they have to send a technician out tomorrow between 5 and 9 to look for the short in the wiring!!! ughhhhhhhhhh

Oh yeah.. and the icing on this day ... I have a headache....

so goodbye cleaning office upstairs.. and probably goodbye to doing the laundry...

I am NOT stressed.. I am NOT stressed...


I am just having a really bad day !!!

Jonesing

I am gonna show my ignorance here.. not sure if anyone else uses the term "jonesing" it wasn't something I heard / used before I met S&S. However it has come to be my usual state of being by Wednesday.

Jonesing is dancing around fidgeting wanting craving needing ......... can't bloody wait !!!

This jonesing attitude is multiplying 10 fold this week........ because I have discovered I don't just do this jonesing thing for BDSM..........

Have you noticed a little clock ticking away in the right column......... 19 days it says today........ that is 19 more days till summer vacation. (and 40 days till I head off to visit the Heron Clan!!)

And I am tired........ more than tired.. exhausted.

It has not been an easy year for me...
You know the stresses doctors list off as being extremely bad for you?? moving, death, divorce.

Kill ya kind of stress.

This year I have changed jobs, moved, got deathly sick and had a 10 year relationship end. I am like the bloody energizer bunny - I just keep on going.

BUT I am beginning to feel the effects. I want to curl up in a little ball, pull the blankets over my head and just sort of let the world carry on without me for a little while. I want someone to snuggle me and hold me.. and let me cry and promise me it will get all better. Even though I KNOW it will get all better.. and summer will come and between now and then my dance card is still full.....

It's just right now......... right this very minute... I am tired.. and feeling sorry for myself.

Ok - so maybe this post isn't so much about jonesing as it is a pity party...... and hey I haven't had one of those in a LONG time.... so I am allowed !

Down the rabbit hole

i am down today...........

i shouldn't be.. as Perfectdt said in a comment on the 29th "retail therapy sounds good" it should have perked me up right??? It would for most women.. and Sir didn't even get cross with me for buying the new clothes.......... but shopping isn't my thing... it is simply a thing i did to try and fill an emptiness.... and we all know 'things' really don't fill that kind of emptiness.

Then as if spending our anniversary alone with daydreams of 'what could have been' wasn't enough of a downer.. that evening i was sitting on messenger waiting/hoping Sir would get home in time to chat a little bit with me... and who should pop up in my chat window but Sir's 'ass double' ....... the ass He beats from time to time.. the ass that bruises and marks and takes every damn thing He throws at it without a whimper... she was feeling remorseful.. wanted to apologise for the way she had treated me.. she had been hostile towards me (i saved that chat let me tell you.. cause when i tried to tell Sir how hostile she was towards me before.......He always had an excuse or something and i felt He never believed me)

i have worked very hard for almost 9 months to push this 'ass double' out of my mind... she is not part of my life .... Sir agreed i didn't have to have anything to do with her... she did not have to be a part of my life (though i honestly think He always secretly wished we had managed to click and get along better) .... and there she was back in my face.. never mind my mind UGH

Yesterday i couldn't help but wonder what she really wanted from that chat... i am seriously suspicious of someone who stabs me in the back ... and then tries to suck up.. ya know?? maybe it is a flaw of mine ...... shrug.. maybe not.. but i couldn't help but wonder..

So now i am back trying to push her out of my life again.... out of my psyche out of my mind.............. more retail therapy?? i don't honestly think it will work...

And then Sir was telling me last evening how pooped He was from His day trip with the squad on Wednesday.. how Thursday was a slow day... a day when He did very little but slouch on the couch...........and of course my heart sank.. cause He is off with the squad again today... from sunup to way past sundown again... and tomorrow is our only day......... our only day !!! and i have visions of an exhausted Sir.. a pooped Sir.. a Sir curled up on the sofa in the condo trying to recharge His batteries before the next foray on Sunday with the squad......... will it never end??

and if i sound like a selfish subbie.. a totally ungrateful .. ungraceful subbie.......

well i AM !!

i haven't worked out all the kinks yet.. some are a damn sight harder to let go of... and the whole mess just makes me cry........

so yeah i am down today........ seriously down the rabbit hole.

pity party

i had an upside down day today...

you see... July 29th... today .. is our anniversary. And usually by now i would have the number engraved in my skin... and i would have had my ass reddened... and i would be feeling well and truly owned.

BUT ..the real world came stomping in with great big boots and trampled all the dreams i had for today............

There is a children's camp .. just south of here.. for handicapped children.... and Sir's 78th Fraser Highlanders were going down for the afternoon to entertain the children with bagpipes and sword dances and muskets......... i feel so selfish for wanting Him not to go....... i am glad i kept my mouth shut tight...

And it's not like He didn't remember the day .. i received an absolutely gorgeous arrangement of flowers yesterday - with a lovely anniversary card that said He would be thinking of me today.......... which of course set me off completely and i cried and cried .. and couldn't seem to stop crying..



This morning i decided i could sit home and feel lonely and sorry for myself or i could get myself out of the house and go shopping...... (go figure .. i HATE shopping) and run messages... it is after all just a day in the life of right??

Off i went.......... and quite truthfully broke a cardinal rule of NOT buying something without checking with Sir first. BUT .. i couldn't check with Him could i now?? He wasn't within range......... so i bought some new jeans (a smaller size i am happy to say) and black and white top (to replace the one i ruined in the wash last winter) and a red blazer for my new job. i felt justified in doing it cause the store was having a 75% off sale... and Sir has taught me to buy on sale.... think He'll go for that one?? nah probably not eh?

Then i took all my winter blazers to the cleaners.. AND i even took my car in to get an appointment to have it rust proofed (which Sir has been yipping at me to do since i bought it !!)

And then i bought all kinds of different salad ingredients cause i am having some girlfriends in on Friday night for dinner (Sir will be off with the 78th squad again at the Highland games) ......... and then i stopped into the local chocolatier and picked up some of the most delectable chocolate desserts........ small dark chocolates filled with sobert fillings - orange, strawberry and lime - for dessert on Friday.

And then i came home.

Other than feeling just a bit guilty about clothes purchases .. i declare today a not so bad day after all............

And we will have our "anniversary day" one of these days.... and then i can tell you all what i bought for Sir this year... i am SO excited about it... and it has such a story behind it.... but it will have to keep until Sir actually opens it..........

Bumps and warts..

i hear voices... in my head... they have discussions and arguments... and go out of their way to show me how undeserving i am.. how useless i am.. how fat and ugly i am..how old i am... how stupid i am.

i get them all packed up and shut up and hidden away... but somehow they always seem to find a way out .. into my head.. talking and discussing.. and interrupting my life.

When they are holding one of life's .. my life's .. great debates.. i could just stay home.. lock the doors, turn the phones off.. and hide...

BUT ya know .. i can't hide from voices in my head.. no matter how many doors i lock or how many windows i close.. how many walls i hastily throw up.... they are still doing the great debate in my head.

AND it would seem they are onto something this time...

Stupidity......... yeah well who makes 100 certificates without checking the date?? huh huh?? who?? someone stupid does that... yup.... someone stupid..
Fat ........... who would start so many diets they should name one after her and never quite reaches her goals... and falls off the wagon more than she stays on it??
old and useless....... who lets her body fall apart over 50+ years so that a simple task of walking backwards up a set of stairs is like climbing Mount Everest??
old.......... ya only have to look in a mirror to see the effects of 50+ years.. check out the body.. check out the face.. old i say.. very old.. as old as dirt......
sexually unappealing........ take a look .. how many are lining up to "do" ya ?? huh?? HUH?? no one...... absolutely no one... old ugly out of shape and sexually unappealing..

oh yeah the voices are great debaters..... great at stating the obvious.


"i am fighting with myself to get you out of my head, but i am hanging off every word you say"

cranky......

just plain cranky!

And i have no idea why..... but god i HATE cranky

i did realize that the internet is a blessing when one has a big dose of the "cranks".. because when i talk to Sir via chat... even with the camera on.. i can mask the crankiness. BUT last night Sir was going out for the evening.. and He called me to check up on me... and how the day went. i couldn't keep the crankiness out of my voice........(shame on me)

i am overwhelmed...... i honestly am. Things at work are frantic - 40 days till the end of the year..... and all the usual crap to get done before July 1st. i put in 8+ hours at school and then come home to work here... paperwork for my PreK group (which is a GO for next year!!) .... the house to clean.. the laundry to do.. and windows that need washing... and gardens that need digging.... and there just aren't enough hours in the day........ and i can feel the panic settling in.

It's funny - when i used to get the "cranks" i knew if i had a good long session of spanking and flogging and fairies... the "cranks" would improve. This time i can't even think about it........ Sir even granted me an orgasm last night.. and i barely managed it. The body just wasn't willing..... and the mind sure as hell wasn't able.

i got the "cranks"

Sooooooo if i miss a day or two around here.. it doesn't mean much....... just me struggling to keep my head above water............

Off center.

Well yes it is Monday.. and yes there should be a juicy Monday Morning Report.. but there isn't one.. so if you only came by for the juicy bits.. check back next week.. maybe it will be better then...

For those of you who don't much care about the juicy bits and read my ramblings despite the lack of sex and private bits... then here goes..........

Ever have one of those days where nothing seemed to click?? where everything seemed to be off center some how??? Well that kinda sorta describes the weekend...

i arrived at Sir's on Friday night - a bit earlier than usual and He was still gulping down His dinner. Once finished, and after a rather heated discussion about my work.. and basically my mood..... we headed off to pick up Cloud who happens to be working on the South Shore for the next little while.. and have our usual Friday coffee klutch.

BUT .. for me anyway.. it didn't click. i felt out of sorts.. i thought Sir seemed out of sorts.. and Cloud was pooped from all his hard labour so he was kinda sorta out of sorts too.

As Sir was chaining me into bed.. and as my eyes were closing.. i kept thinking tomorrow will be better.... my own version of the song "The sun will come out tomorrow!!!"

Saturday turned out to be a day of waiting........ waiting for the piano tuner.. waiting for the ladies buying the piano.. waiting for the movers to come and see if they could move the piano..waiting for Sir to run out and loan His car to a friend for a quick moving job... and finally waiting again in the evening for the movers to ACTUALLY move the piano.

All this movement of people in and out of the house threw me off my game.. in my stupid lil subbie brain.. i had kinda thought i would be dressed in my kimono all day Saturday.. easily accessible to Sir.. absolutely readily available for Sir.

BUT even when Sir tried to beat my ass.. it was all sort of very polite.. did i feel like being beaten?? was i enjoying being beaten?? it was off center.. definitely off center.. but through no fault of anyone !!!

And talking about being off center.. which i was.. AM.. i sat on Sir's chair all day on Saturday ..even had a little nap on the chair Saturday afternoon........ and it cut me the wrong way across the back of the neck. i kept feeling like i had to sit off center on the chair to get the chair to fit properly.

By bedtime Saturday night i was almost in tears with how "off center" my body felt.. and i kept thinking once i stretch out in the bed the kinks will straighten out .. et voila.. i will be centered again.

BUT it didn't quite work that way... i fell asleep fitfully and slept fitfully all night.. worrying i would creep over onto Sir's side.. keeping my legs curled up so as not to straighten out and kick Sir.. keeping my arms folded up so i wouldn't flail out and punch Sir (and YES i have been known to do both .. frequently)...

And then somewhere around 5 / 6 Sunday morning i heard the weirdest buzzing sound... it nearly drove me crazy.. so i finally gave up trying to ignore it and got up and went downstairs......... convinced by this time that one of the laptops was gonna explode. Turns out it wasn't the damn laptops.. but a blackberry Sir discovered in His car after the moving for the friend.......... and had brought into the house to keep it safe. The blackberry had an alarm set. (By the way.. i give blackberry a gold star for noisy persistent alarms.. HELL i heard the damn thing upstairs!!)

i finally curled up on the sofa in the living room and managed to doze off again... only to jump awake when i heard Sir come down the stairs and into the living room.

My body felt as though it had been twisted permanently into a pretzel shape. It hurt.. bad. Sir even made His own breakfast with me watching perched gingerly on the edge of a straight back chair. i even took Tylenol hoping it would help straighten out the body and take the edge off the pain....... But it didn't work.

It seemed to me that all i wanted to do was cry on Sunday........... for really no reason...so i packed up and came home to be miserable by myself ( a much better solution) Off center weekends happen..... shit happens... it isn't the end of the world.. there is always next weekend or the weekend after that........... soon enough i will be spanked and whooped and fucked and the body and mind will center.. and twirl off down the path centered happily again..........

BUT for now..

i am feeling just a tad off center..........

It's over..

It's over.. Christmas that is.. so over!!!

The first thing i did on Monday when Sir left was to come on here and take down the Christmas blog look...... i was so over that look........ i even did a little renovating of the original look........... time for a new look i think..

Then i moved on to taking down the Christmas decorations - i had planned to stain some shelves youngest daughter gave me for my birthday wayyyyyyyy back in October.. i had finally bought the stain.. and was sticking to my promise (more to myself than anyone else) that i would get the shelves stained and up during my Christmas break. BUT in all the Christmas rush and confusion... the bag with the stain has disappeared.. poof gone.. and i can't even blame it on my fairies cause they aren't to be found anywhere either..........

The shelves are to go in my office.. and are to hold my oriental people / village - if i ever get enough money to actually buy myself the characters etc i want.......... i was thinking i should leave that for gifts (cause i am so hard to buy for dontcha know!!) BUT .. i am not the world's most patient person...... and i want what i want when i want it.. (yeah yeah i know .. that sounds bloody selfish and self centered ............ bite me!!)

But like every project i start......... i rearranged the office to accommodate the shelves .. AND...... decided the office needs a damn good painting !!!!! i did the hallway and living room in less than a week - so i should be able to do the office in a day or two right?? i have the paint... (i am gonna use the brown from the living room) .. but i don't have paint brushes (damn damn damn!!) so that project has to wait a day or so till i get out and pick some up!!

It seems every job i tried to start was a dead end........ so that left the Christmas decorations.. and that i could do !!!

Christmas is just so over....

Tired

i am tired today......... in my bones and in my soul.........

Some of these feelings come from work.... two days of a flu epidemic that hit the school... projectile vomiting up and down the corridors and classrooms... over 25 % of the kiddies sent home with it in less than 2 days (that's just over 100 kids if you want the breakdown)....... over half of my staff out with it..

i am feeling more and more like the lil guy with his fingers stuck in the dyke ........

i wish it was Saturday so i could stay snuggled in my bed with the covers up over my head.. i just don't wanna come out and face the day thank you very much.. even my sunrise isn't happening today ........... and the coffee isn't working it's usual magic this morning.....

i decided you didn't need to hear me go on and on about my tale of woe.. so to spare you all more .. i suggest you click over to the Photojournal and take a look at the new pics i have posted this morning.........

i'll see you on the flip side.........