Well - that was awkward

Just after dinner last night - W told me that a lil subbie he has played with was coming by to drop something off.

I couldn't think what to do............ stay .... go...???

I decided to go for a walk....... I passed her as I walked down the driveway.... 

I walked for 30 minutes and had to come back 'cause I really REALLY needed to pee.. her car was still here.......

I came in and didn't know what to do..... they were sitting in the living room.. should I go downstairs ??? 

Nah - I came into the living room where all my stuff is...... the conversation stopped - dead silence - that awkward silence .... 

The insecure me thought - they are talking about me.. 

the realistic me thought - they were talking about playing or sex or something like that .. something I shouldn't hear..........

either one - didn't much matter  ....... It was a very awkward moment.

 

State of the Union

Nah not THE state of the union - but the state of OUR union...............

I was thinking last night how things have changed around here... settled down into a comfortable rhythm ........... peek in our window and you would think this was/is a normal vanilla home.

At first I found that very hard to adjust to.......... at first I blamed myself.... at first I thought our union was over............ 

Now not so much.

I still, from time to time, long for the connection of kink that we had...but that's been slowly dwindling down to soft embers for a long time.  

I saw him play with two different women on New Year's eve - saw that gleam in his eye - heard the wicked chuckle - and I knew we would never have that ever again - cause that comes from being "new" .... from the excitement of playing with someone new.  I have watched him tease and mind fuck and talk with one of the newbies off in a corner at munches..... I see what we used to have.

I thought it would hurt more than it does... thought I would get all green eyed jealous - but nah not so much.

He has a blog - mostly secret - not something he talks about or advertises but it's there for the finding.  I check it out occasionally.  I see the kinks he likes. I see the younger women - I see the things that turn him on and know that never in a million years could I be that woman in the picture - sometimes that makes me sad.  But it is what it is - right?

Maybe what we need is to be poly? Maybe I need a Top that will beat my ass - tease me and mind fuck me and maybe even fuck me. Maybe we need play partners - and when the play is over come home to each other... to the comfortableness that is now us.

It's no one's fault this change in our state of our union.  It just happened... slowly over time.  Time eroding the excitement....... the challenge ...the desire.

BUT I still love this man - still wear his collar and his slave ring.......... and hopefully will till the day I die.

Overload

There are mornings when I sit with my coffee at the pc before school - and my heart pounds and my mind whirls and spins and buzzes - and I realize I am fast approaching overload.

June is always a bad month........... always....... for as long as I can remember.  I have come to see it as the month of endings.......... and endings are always a bit sad - no matter how natural.

This June is no different....... I have paperwork to finish off (mountains of paper work) I have paperwork to organise and get ready for August (mountains of paper work).  I have kids clinging - wanting every ounce of attention I can give them before they wander off into the great big world for the summer without the security of school....... of the routines.. of me.  I have staff chomping at the bit - wondering if they will have work next year.  I have more openings opening up than there is staff in the whole BOARD (god bless the Board for preparing for all the retirements coming up - NOT)  

Then I have my little school out on the Island that I need to close down.  I need to pack up 20 plus years of teaching in that one little room and get it out (to where god only knows - just get it out) ...... I have paperwork to get done to shut it down forever - and companies to call hoping against hope I will get some sort of refund for closing down early.

And then............ W's had an offer on his house...... it should / maybe / probably will close by the end of next week.  And our dream starts to become a reality.  And my mind is filled with thoughts of finding a new home for both of us - of finding a home with LOTS of room ...... and wondering how in god's name we will combine two houses filled with years of memories into one house without LOTS and LOTS of room.  I look around my lil home and honestly I fill up with tears - all the things that have come through so many stages of life with me....... so many things that I can't imagine living without - and I wonder which ones will be sacrificed for this new life adventure........


This week I sold 6 items that have been with me since my first home...... things that came from Olive's house (those of you who have read here for any length of time have heard about Olive) I sold them to friends - cause I convinced myself that having those family heirlooms go to friends makes it a little easier to say goodbye........ but I lied to myself.  I walk through the house and the holes created by their going bring tears to my eyes......... gone forever..  and there are so many other things that must go......... 


And June marches steadily along to completion and I wonder if I will get to the end - without a meltdown and without pushing the "overload button"

Lubrication

 Many moons ago - i had a submissive friend........... someone i really and truly admired.  She was real time - married with kids - a full time teacher - and managed somehow to keep all the plates in the air.  She had a quiet grace that made me want to emulate her....... she also had a strong will and an even stronger backbone.  


Then - something happened - history, old history that i will not repeat here, and she and her hubbie backed off completely from the public scene.  As far as i know they didn't do D/s or anything for years and years.  


They came back this summer.  I was lucky enough to visit with her and her Dominant husband twice this summer.  Her quiet grace, strong will and even stronger backbone are all still very apparent.  I am back admiring her...... hero worship in a way.


She left a very interesting comment on an article on Fet Life a while back......... and it spoke to me.  She wrote:

"I know that if there is no "lubrication", I get annoyed. For example, if I do all my exercises, ask permission for every morsel of junk, use SIR as much as possible, and forego the underwear, I expect some fun stuff to keep my mind submissive. If I get no sex, no underwear checks, no "looks", no kink, then I figure I am in a vanilla relationship. If I am in a vanilla relationship, I am an equal and do not ask permission for anything."

That was one of the problems I identified in the relationship between W and myself last spring.  There was no "lubricant" as she put it............ 


Mind you.......... in all fairness .......... W said i was fighting him every step of the way...... which means there was no "lubricant" on his part either.


And when there is no lubricant - everything grinds to a halt........ and it hurts........ BIG TIME.


I would like to think......... hope......... that W and I are working towards finding that lubricant again.............. 

As the expression goes - you don't know what you have till it's gone.  I know very well what I had........ and there is a big part of my soul that is missing it.

I'm an EXPERT

I know I know !!!  I do tend to rant on and on about these self proclaimed experts in BDSM....... It is a real pet peeve of mine........ 


I also don't much like people who lie......... and for some bloody reason I seem to feel I have to "out" these liars ......... instead of just letting go..........

And I have a real hate on for people who are two faced..........

AND I hate - really HATE - how naive I can be - and how trusting I can be - and believing I can be.  and how easy it is for someone - or more than one someone - to influence me.


Where the hell is my bloody back bone???? 


Last March when my relationship with W and being a submissive came to a screeching halt....... there were (obviously) many problems.  One of them were the rules I had to live by - the protocols and rituals.  And I have admitted more than once - that instead of using my "knee jerk reaction" to handle the situation I should have sat down with W and discussed it..and tried to work out my struggles - cause I WAS struggling... and I didn't bother to tell W.............. 


BUT instead.......... 

I listened to the people around me...... people I thought I could trust..... people who seemed like "good people" who seemed to have my best interests at heart.. people who said they couldn't stand to see me hurting and wanted to help.

These were the people who convinced me (no backbone on my part - none whatsoever) of a number of things.  The first being that no ...... NO...... strong independent woman (or man) could or should live with protocols or rituals. No strong independent woman (or man) would consent to living a D/s lifestyle.  These were fantasy not real life.  These "well meaning" people had no use for protocols or rituals or D/s and could not understand any one who did.  


Because I was angry and hurt and lost and feeling very much alone......... their words seemed to make sense....... what was the point of asking permission to enter or leave a room??? What was the point of having to ask permission to use the bathroom??? What was the point of being naked ???   It was made very clear to me that they had no use for the way I had lived my life for the last 10 years.


Fast forward a full year............ 


Now I discover that one of those people who pooh-poohed protocols and rituals and the D/s lifestyle .. who was the hardest on me for following them....... is now ....... are you ready for this???

"D/s & Protocol instructor for Montreal Fetish Weekend"

WTF???

I would really love to attend THAT workshop..........boy do I have some questions to ask!! 

But truthfully - in the final analysis - I have no one to blame but myself.  I discovered quite quickly that there are a whole mess of protocols that I need/crave and desire.  There are even some rituals that I love. That I miss (big time) the D/s lifestyle.  BUT ........ because I was a spineless - lead me around by the nose - wimp ......... I am now without any protocols or rituals .. without a 'Sir' ........ without a collar....... in limbo.  I realize now that they were only using me to fill a need they had ........... I was like that kid in the school yard - lost and alone with no friends - who will sell their soul just to feel they belong............

Yeah I am an expert.......... on how to screw things up royally - on how to believe /trust all the wrong people - on how to be left a little broken.. a whole lot sad.... and hurting.

Fantasy gone Wrong

Yesterday I decided to spend my time outside in my secret garden curled up on the wicker love seat under my red umbrella with a good book.  A perfect start to a new week.

After a couple of hours of being curled up - I decided to throw the pillows down on the patio and lie down on my tummy and read and tan my back at the same time.  The really nice thing about my secret garden is that I can tan almost nude.  I was wearing a sarong and while i had been sitting I had the top bit as low as it could go ... and the bottom bit as high as I dared - no tan lines dontcha know.  Well when I laid down on my tummy (feet right at the door ) - I hoisted the bottom part of the sarong as high as I dared - to just under my ass......... the sun felt so good on my body.. it warmed it.. it lulled it... and soon my eyes were feeling heavy............ 

I closed my eyes - knowing full well there was a really good fantasy coming............

In my mind's eye I could see myself - spread out on the patio- behind the privacy trellis - legs spread slightly apart - ass curving - breasts straining against the bit of material covering them, ready to pop out -  every inch of me open and welcoming and ready.............. 

I heard the screen door slide open - and in my fantasy W was standing there - clad in his utility kilt - no shirt -  surveying the wantoness in front of him. He stepped down from the house to the patio..... being careful to put his foot down between my legs (just not a whole lot of room in my secret garden - especially when I am lying spread eagle)

As he brought his second foot down to the patio level - he stepped on my foot - I screeched - he jumped - and lost his balance - doing a jig of sorts to keep himself from falling over - he hit the red umbrella - sending it crashing down on the trellis......... I tried to leap up - which was impossible with W struggling to regain his foot hold .. and my sarong opened up and fell off.. leaving me naked and not the least bit suggestive.


I shook my head - and cleared the fantasy.  THAT would never work - even my fantasy knew there just wasn't enough room ............. 


So after a moment's disappointment... I closed my eyes and changed the location - from the patio - to Maitre Ex's dungeon.  W was sitting on the low sofa - in his utility kilt...... me kneeling just in front of him.  I knew W was "commando" and I wanted - no craved - to crawl under the kilt and give him the best blow job he had had for a long time............ 


I inched forward ....... laid my head on his knee - W - being W - asked what was wrong... (sigh - even in MY fantasy - W is W) I shook my head to indicate nothing was wrong.. I was smiling........ 


Slowly my right hand slid under the kilt and started to caress his thigh..........moving higher all the time.......Finally I couldn't wait anymore - after all - I was all hot and bothered from the patio scene - and wanted some success.......... 


So I wiggled myself around so I was kneeling directly in front of W and lifting the kilt with one hand - dove underneath ...... letting the kilt fall over my head and shoulders.  I stroked his cock - I licked his cock like a popsicle - I brought my lips down and surrounded the head of his cock... while my tongue made lazy circles round and round the tip..... W was enjoying my ministrations - I could tell (cheeky grin)

Niggling at the back of my fantasy - was how hot it had been on Saturday evening - and how IF I had actually done some "kilt diving" I would have died of heat exhaustion in 2 minutes flat.  I pushed the thought out of my fantasy.  DAMN IT !!  This was my fantasy!!  And it was going to work !! No heat !!  No humidity !! Just sensuality.


I went back to sucking W's cock - slowly - running my tongue around and around as my mouth slid up and down........ my hands stroking his balls ever so gently........... Up and down - umm it felt so good - it tasted so good................. 


THEN.............. 


there was an horrendous screeching - and then a cat howling - and I jumped out of my reverie to see a squirrel sitting on the privacy trellis - not 2 feet from my head - screeching and miss ashes was jumping at the screen door trying to protect me.............. 


LE SIGH............. 


I shooed the squirrel away - picked up my book and the pillows - and moved my dignified - discouraged self - back to the wicker love seat ............... 


It - obviously - was not the day for a fantasy. 

Crash and burn...........

It happens - I have talked about it here before..... the old "crash and burn" syndrome.

It usually follows a night of hard play and harder emotions... and sometime in the next day or so I am suddenly aware I am not fit for public consumption...........

Monday I was tired - so tired  and distracted.  But I chugged along like the little engine who could - tidying up the "stuff" from the trip - doing laundry/ironing - staying away from the pc and distractions - keeping the house quiet - so very quiet.  

Then yesterday after spending two hours playing "teacher" with middle grandson (doing the Kindergarten tutoring) my body was shaking from the sheer effort of staying on an even keel. I went for our coffee klutch with W and drakor ..... and my eyes were so heavy.. and the men's discussions - debates?? - arguments?? got under my skin.... and I felt like I might explode (came close a few times) ........ 


When I am like this - it is as though every inch of my body is electrified.. every noise sounds like a cannon going off in my head.... every whisper of a touch burns my skin...my blood flows like molten lava through my veins..... I want to scream.  


Some call it sub drop - honestly I don't know what to call it anymore.... I just know when I am going through those days of "crash and burn" I wonder if I ever want to feel the cut of a knife - or the sting of a whip ever again...........

And then it passes - and my body starts its climb back up.... and it starts to crave - to visualize the next scene - the next cut - the next sting of the whip........ my world rights itself on its axis and life goes on.............

The "right" fit

Forty years ago I read a book that was to direct my inner most desires for nearly 40 years. That book was the Story of O.

The interesting thing to me now.. nearly 40 years later ... and after 6 months of intensive soul searching..... is that the actual plot to the book was not what directed my inner most desires. The "director" was certain acts within the book.

It started with the dress she wore ...... I loved the hint of nakedness - the hint of availability.

It continued on to the piercing - ahh the piercing! It was the one act in the entire book that left me weak kneed and knowing I wanted THAT for me. And there was the branding...... I had heart palpitations just thinking about it.

There was one particular episode in the book where she was beaten - strung between two pillars. Beaten until she was black and blue. I dreamed of such a beating.

And so 40 plus years ago my inner most desires were set. Fast forward to the great internet age.. and I discovered that this work of fiction was much more than a book - it was a "lifestyle". And oh my god I wanted it !!

This lifestyle though came with a whole slew of "labels" ....... Dominant, Master, submissive, slave, switch, Top, bottom......... what the hell was all that about??? I just cut to the chase and decided that I must be submissive and I would strive to be slave. Seemed simple to me. I wanted the "acts" therefore I had to pick a label and then everything would fall into place. I picked submissive.

Only it wasn't....... simple that is.

All these labels never recreated the feelings I got from reading the Story of O. The only time it came close was when I WAS pierced...... or when I was strung up being beaten black and blue....... or to a lesser degree .. when I was tattooed.

On my good days I could put forth a reasonably good facsimile of a submissive (or as some thought - slave). And there were times that I was told I was not a submissive/slave - but a Domme. I always cringed at the thought of being called a Domme. I hated the "Miss Morningstar" title that folks would tease me with.... Hell I even tried being "Miss" for a while....... and knew almost instantly it didn't work for me.. didn't fit.. made me feel like a massive huge fraud. So I must be submissive right???

I started this blog.. a submissive's journey..... and very soon had a rather sizable readership. Validation by numbers. I WAS submissive.

Well I could write a good blog.

And I could pretend well...... act the part (in real life I mean)

And so for 15+ years I was submissive verging on being slave.

I struggled for a long time with the difference between the two...... I wanted to be the best I could be (cause that is who I am - I don't do anything by halves) slave was the best - according to everything I read and everything I heard... so I strove to be slave.

And for many years I strayed from what really directed me.. pain had originally directed me.... and here I was 15 years later doing a whole mess of mental stuff..... with very little of the intense pain that had originally started me on this journey.

As I said yesterday - this slave label didn't fit .. it made me irritable and I did some cruel things. The worst being I walked away in a blink of an eye from the man who had been my "Sir" for almost 10 years.

I felt lost and alone...... I had submissives who had read my blog for years coming after me in email......... I have been snubbed by the "sisterhood" of submissives over and over again. I guess maybe they saw me as a fraud....... I hold no grudges..... I guess in a way I had led them on - in a manner of speaking....... I understood their anger.. their disappointment...their angst. I have to say here..... I never meant to lead anyone on....... It has been a journey......... and you all signed on for the ride....... And my struggles are no reflection on what you do...... trust me..... I almost envy you submissives/slaves because you have found who you are and what works for you.



There was one label that lurked just off to the side of my subconscious. A label I didn't want to look at .. to examine..... to validate.

That label was MASOCHIST.

That label almost sounds dirty, evil, sick.

But if ... like me.. you go back and look at what originally caught my interest in the very beginning of this journey ....... it was pain...pure unadulterated pain.

Bottoming taught me that I could have that pain without all the other trappings.
But unfortunately bottoming wasn't exactly a good fit either......I needed more stability than bottoming could give me.

And so here I am now.. 40 years later....... having come full circle. I wasn't a submissive/slave/bottom then... I am not one now.

There I have said "it" !! I am not a slave/submissive/bottom. Pointe finale.

So does that make me a masochist?? I suppose many will say yes it does.. because the only thing I seek is pain. But I am much more than a masochist... and I want more than the masochist label can give me.

Labels .. that's all they are.........words that we use to identify ourselves and others. I have tried most of them on - a bit like the way Mz Tina (a Fetlife friend) described it - 'me standing in a cupboard with my ass hanging out, trying on labels looking for the one that fits and throwing the rest over my shoulder .. discarding them.' If you look at the imagined pile of discarded labels - you will see slave, submissive, bottom, Top, switch, Dominant/Mistress. There are no "fits".

I will continue my own personal journey......... where ever it may take me. And you are all still welcome to come along for the ride. It is still an adventurous journey..... just leave the labels out of it please !

Fraud

I have had 6 months of trying to figure out what went wrong.. what I want.. what the hell is the matter with me !!

I don't promise anyone I have all the answers but I have got some.. see if you can follow the bouncing ball here........

First off - I thought I really wanted to be a submissive. Over the months .. talking to different folk....... I realized that by their definition I had been trying to be slave but I am probably more submissive.

I chewed on that theory a lot !! I do know I hadn't felt comfortable in my own skin for a long time. I did figure out that I had been craving some illusive being that was described all over the net........ but it wasn't me. And I blamed myself for not being able to get "there" ...... to that perfect place of submission.

I have read more than one blog over these 6 months that talk about those illusive slave like behaviours...... and I have been witness to it all first hand in real life - Dom takes control - slave does what she is told, jumps when told to jump, smiles when she feels like screaming, comes and goes and does what she is told when she is told how she is told........... and I suddenly realized it totally completely irritated me.

I also realized that for the better part of 20 years that was what I thought I wanted....... I wanted to be wrapped up in someone's dominance and to be the quintessential slave. I have been suffering from the world's longest sub frenzy known to man... 20+ years of searching frantically for something that I thought would make life perfect.

Problem is - I got irritated with the whole process. And that irritation spread outwards - washing over everyone in its path. Instead that irritation should have spread inwards. I should have been asking myself WHY in god's name I wanted something that didn't fit me. Why in god's name was I still suffering from this madness called "sub frenzy"???!!

Then I had 4 months of bottoming. And we all know what a success that was - NOT! I hated (what I call ) prostituting myself for a little bit of pain with no connection - no real bond - no love . I landed up feeling like some sort of receptacle for someone else's desire to inflict pain. Nothing more than a receiver of pain.

But I came to realize there was something right about it too. For a certain period of time I would wear the leather collar of submission and when the time was over the collar came off and I was the other me again. The strong independent me who ran my life like a well oiled machine....... who enjoyed her life with all its bumps bruises and sunshine too....THAT felt right.

So here I am ........6 months later........ knowing I have been a fool ....... running around in search of something everyone else had .. and I thought I had to have too. Like I said .. acting like some silly lil newbie .. suffering from sub frenzy..

Tomorrow or the day after.. or the day after that.... I hope to be able to explain where I am heading now. What I think will be a more perfect fit for me. I think I am ready to tackle the dreaded "labels" and put them to rest ........ once and for all.

end of August

Ever since I was a kid - this was my favourite time of the year. I loved new school supplies.. I loved my new school bag.. my new uniform (yes I wore a school uniform)

Sometimes I wonder if this love of new books and pencils and erasers was the reason I became an educator. I still shop for new pens and notebooks - no more school uniforms but that's ok... I don't really "do" school girl (or school teacher for that matter) not my fetish

Over the weekend I bought a new agenda and wrote "meet with new principal" under the 17th. Yes I am off to my first meeting of the year today.

It has been a good summer.....it was a summer of rambling around.. and navel gazing ... meeting new friends .. meeting up with some old ones.

I think in an odd way I did a lot of growing up this summer. It was due dontcha think?!! In the last few weeks I have been having "epiphanies" for lack of a better word. I need to process them a bit .. flesh them out.. clean up the edges.... make sense of it all.......... and then who knows .. maybe share it here..

For now I will pack up my book bag and head off to my first meeting of the year

The continuing saga

In case you hadn't figured it out... I am in kind of a funk......... feeling caught somewhere between a rock and a hard place.

A couple of months ago now I guess it is.. someone accused me of being afraid of relationships ending. I made a joke about it.. said I was getting really really good at the ending of relationships.. it was the beginnings that scared the shit out of me.

As the days are slowly ticking off into weeks....... days and weeks of being in limbo I guess it is........ I am realizing how true those words - spoken half in jest - were. I am more afraid of the beginnings than the endings.

In the beginning everything is exciting and promising and fun. My expectations are high....... (maybe others too - but I can only speak for myself) The honeymoon period where everything seems bright and shiny and new.... where promises are made .... and I let myself almost believe ........... almost.

Unfortunately it is my experience that most promises made are not kept. And I am the first to say it is probably due - in a large part - to my mistakes. People have great trouble dealing with my "coping strategies" ......... and these strategies tend to annoy or upset or - the worst of all - hurt them.

When this happens - this inevitable ending happens - I land up feeling I have failed.. am a failure. I land up feeling that beginnings aren't really for me... and that life would be much easier to deal with if I just skipped all the damn beginnings.

I am also discovering in this new journey - that I don't DO bottoming well. It feels way too much like "prostituting" myself for some pain. And lines get crossed.. and blurred.. and truthfully I get confused. I have been submissive for too much of my life and I struggle to understand that a Top does not have the same rights as a Dominant. Bottoming feels like some piece of clothing that just doesn't fit properly.. it wobbles here.. fits fine here.. and bulks out over here.

And so now I am faced with more decisions......... do I walk away from a lifestyle that has been part of who I am for over 20 years...... say goodbye - turn my back and saunter off into the sunset?? It is becoming more and more obvious to me that that is going to be my answer.......

I hate beginnings..........

Walls

I learned a long long time ago that there are bad 'things' out there in the real world that hurt........ that tear you up inside ... and don't even look back in regret once the deed is done.

Walls don't go up over night. At least mine haven't. Mine have gone up slowly over 50 years. Yup 50 !! It is really hard to learn to trust people.. to rely on people when your very first cry for help goes unheard. shrug.. as a friend of mine says "it is what it is" ........

But it would seem .. that those walls that I have built up are the very things that are stunting my growth.........maybe even hurting me more than they are keeping me safe.

In some of my conversations with the Heron Clan when I was visiting.. topics were touched on.. discussed... that brought up old hurts........ old fears.. old disappointments. And yeah they brought tears (which for those of you who don't know me well - I HATE crying!!! god I HATE crying) but I did realize the world didn't come to an end... the old pain didn't rear up and consume me. It just was... an old pain.

I have come to realize that I have hurt relationships and people with my desire to protect myself. And for that I am deeply sorry. But I am not a finished piece of work... more like a work in progress.

And I have no intentions of stopping that work. Quite the contrary. I want to work harder on perfecting my trust skills, on perfecting my sharing.. on perfecting taking care of me in a more open and adult manner.

Wish me luck.

The changling

I have been with the Heron Clan for 7 full days now. I came for a holiday and I am going to leave a 'changling" .

This time away has been hard ........... not because I am home sick.. or don't like being with the Heron Clan - nope not at all. But more because this time with them has opened my eyes... made me really evaluate my life and how I have been living it for all these years!!

When I first started reading the Heron Clan - I couldn't get my mind around 'poly' anything.. couldn't figure out how it could work.. assumed (yes makes an ass out of you and me - but in this case mostly me) it would never ever be something I could live.

But I have seen it in action - this poly family - and I have a deep appreciation for how smoothly it works... how everyone feels included and appreciated and loved and cared for - even this outside Canadian who just sorta parachuted into their lives.

The other night Raheretic and swan were talking to me.. about life in general and my life more specifically. I found it very difficult to discuss - as I do with anything that requires me to open up ........... I honestly don't remember everything we discussed .. I do remember them suggesting I read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. They had the book.. and I started reading.........

The book may be what they consider a so/so handbook on poly relationships... for me it was a book on living one's life honestly and openly. It is a book that is teaching me how to deal with emotions - all of them - and how to broaden my horizons.

I have always been quite happy being a bit of a loner.. having one or two friends.. but nothing to strenous or time consuming. Just folks out there that I could socialize with when I felt the need to socialize.

I most definitely am not a social butterfly!!

But I have been slogging my way through The Ethical Slut - and feeling scared and challenged ... this book may be a poly handbook for some.. for me it is challenging me to change the basic tenents my life has been built on.

From the simplest of actions - making more friends - to dealing with the scary emotions that seem to plague my life and be the reason it is so much easier for me to be a "loner".

It is teaching me how much fun life could be if only I could let down my walls...

the other night I read something that rocked me.. a light bulb moment that will probably make you all go DUH !! (I was gonna quote it .. but for the life of me I can't find it now... so you will all have to make do with a paraphasing ) It said something to the effect that 'when you are feeling most vulnerable - that that is the time to share those feelings... because in sharing feelings of vulnerability is the time the bond deepens and friendship grows.'

I am still reading.. still learning.. still feeling mighty scared and yeah vulnerable... but it is time for change.. it is time for me to break out of the cocoon that has kept me wrapped up tightly .. feeling safe... while all the world around me has gone marching by..............

AFOG

"another fucking opportunity for growth"

In praise of older women

I came to "Heron clan land" with a bit of an ulterior motive. I really truly needed to step out of my world - walk away for a little bit - get a different perspective and then go back.

But it would seem ever since I got here I have been stuck on one aspect of life/living.. stuck as in cement and cannot see my way around it.. over it,... or through it.

I am old.

I have lost that "come hither" teasing flirting part of me ........... where did it go?? cause I know it is gone. At least on the outside.

Inside I still feel very sensuous and sexy and yeah horny too!! But it doesn't translate to the me that the world sees. When did that happen?? How did it happen???

Last night I had 2 glasses of wine.. the music was playing and I was laughing and moving to the music and Raheretic made some comment about how I should have wine every evening.. how relaxed I looked how much younger I looked. It was meant as a compliment I know that !! But when did I need a glass of wine to look relaxed and young??? WHEN THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN???

In my head I am still a 30 something... with all the drives and needs of a 30 something... in the mirror there is a woman looking back at me that I don't recognise.. When did she appear??? Can I make her go away?? I don't much like her.. this woman I have turned into..........

A few weeks back Sir F was having a discussion with me about males.. and how it is really easy to have a one night stand - a no strings attached sexual encounter. And all I could think was "yup easy for you - young and perky and fresh and daring" but definitely not easy (maybe not even possible) for me - this older woman.

And so I am left wondering ......... am I destined to grow even older with my cats.. and my masochism.. and be labelled that crazy old masochist????

Is it too late to become the poster girl for "In praise of older women"???

Whys??

In less than 3 days I will be winging my way southward to visit with the Heron Clan. This trip has been in the planning since March !! I am excited and overwhelmed (a bit) and feeling as though I am doing a very grownup thing. Stupid I know.. grown up .......... sheeesh !! by this point in my life you'd think I would be used to traveling and visiting and being on my own.

I have a serious case of separation anxiety - separation from my family (youngest daughter just told me today she is going for some pretty serious tests and that is pretty worrisome for this mom) separation from my cats (yeah yeah I know - they probably won't even notice I am gone........ probably gonna miss the 2 Sirs more than me ........ but still .. ) separation from my lil safe haven I call home - separation from my Sirs and friends........ AND yet I am going to "friends" into their open arms....... they promised !!

And I know - being a teacher and all - just cut the strings and go ....... everything will be fine........ everyone will survive !!

And while I am in this soul baring - soul searching - WTF is wrong with me - mode..... I have to ask - again - for the millionth time!! why I let people get under my skin and irritate me?? WHY must I be like a dog with a bone and not let it go?? WHY must I always try and correct misconceptions?? And while I am on this why tangent....... why the hell are some people such chicken shits and come to me with questions instead of going to the people that really have the answers?? HUH?? why??

Sir F is always telling me......... put it out there - into the universe and wait for it.. cause ya know the universe is gonna hear you...........

So I am putting it all out there........ all my whys........ and hopefully the answers will find their way to me...........

Cause right now........... all I have is whys??

Openings

During a recent blog hopping expedition - you know what I mean - you hit a link that leads to another link that leads to............ and suddenly you are finding stuff on the net that you have never seen/read before. Well I found this blog and I almost didn't read it.. but something in that day's entry caught my eye and went on reading... she was talking about "topping from the bottom" that HUGE sin of sins in the lifestyle.

I don't know why - but this bit hit home......... light bulb moment.
By voicing my desires and verbalizing my submission to him, I am allowing Daddy to penetrate ever deeper into my psyche in order to further dominate me and push my limits.

Now you see - as much as everything seems rather rosy around here..... on the Adventurous Journey - there have been little speed bumps. In some ways I have been in "tough old bird" mode...... gotta protect myself at all costs. And in lots of other ways I have been mixed up and confused .. and trying to clarify my thinking and the way I process things.

The rule with the Sirs is........ whatever goes into the toy bag is what I want used on me. It doesn't mean it WILL be used - but ... it's got my stamp of approval. So I figured that was it... no need for me to say anything else....

But there were things/situations that I wanted to talk about... I wanted more or less (more more than less) But I wasn't communicating those desires.. so .. come on... how were they supposed to know??!!

Interesting enough - they don't see my asking for something as topping from the bottom......... nope... they see it as my opening doors for them to step through - IF they so decide. They don't cluck and hiss and act all superior if I do ask for something.. I personally think it takes a load off their shoulders.. I am allowing them to get closer to me.. to know me better... to peak behind those massive great walls I built up around myself back in March.

Stranger even for me.. was the realization that those walls were slowly opening to them.. and I didn't see it happening.. but I was letting them in..... letting them get closer to me.. trusting them more and more.......

Like a flower slowly opening to the warmth of the morning sun.... our relationship together is opening ......... what great adventures lie ahead as I learn to be more open and verbal - and leave my fears behind??

Intensity

This may become "mission impossible" but I want to try and describe the intense fragments of play that happen on occasion during a play time with the two Sirs.

I am not talking about the strike of a paddle, or a sting of the whip... but more the intense rattle your soul feelings that happen in a flash of an eye and are gone - never to be recaptured in the exact same way again..........

* opening my eyes and seeing Sir F holding my trembling arms tightly and hearing her whispered murmurs

* feeling the hard almost brutal thrust of a hand against my hot ass - massaging a stinging burning ache

* my head moving forward seeking solace and finding it against Sir F's breasts - inhaling her scent deeply

* feeling Sir M's body slam down across my back pinning me to the equipment - almost knocking the breath out of my body

* the hard thrust of a leg between my legs pushing harder upward pinning me to his leg....... feeling the cool of the leather against my hot burning skin

* the huge silver handle of his flogger thrust roughly and firmly between my legs the large nob banging against my clit jewelry - slowing the tremors yet causing my heart to leap out of my chest

* The knife tracing patterns only he can see down my body...... but most especially over my breasts......... and days later running my fingers over the raised welts - eyes closed - remembering

* opening my eyes and staring deep into his eyes - feeling my soul opening to his gaze - no walls to stop him.. letting him see deep into my soul - feeling my knees go weak from that look........ wanting it to stop and wanting it to go on forever.

Intense moments............ more precious than any bruises or welts left as souvenirs.