Play Time

We had some play time the other night -- it's never planned -- well let me clarify that -- I am never informed of play time -- it just happens.

It would appear that knife play is fast becoming Sir Steve's favourite form of 'play time'  --  and trust me I am not complaining!!

This time he had me lie on my back so my more sensitive bits were easily accessible to him and the knife.  Foreplay is biting and scratching and licking and sucking -- till my mind and body are swamped with sensations....... then the curved dragon blades came out -- two identical knives one smaller then the other and a wee bit sharper... "all the better to torture my piercings".

Then the large dragon tongued knife came out.... something similar to this..............

the double blades slide so easily between my pink bits... separating them -- teasing them -- marking them....... the points digging into me....... making me catch my breath and hold it.... 

It felt like we played for hours -- when in reality it was probably only an hour.  

And it happened -- believe it or not -- never happened before -- but I called "uncle"....... and Sir Steve slowed down -- rubbed a bit -- teased a bit -- till my body was arching towards him again -- silently begging for 'more please Sir' ...

It ended and I was deep in my head -- dancing with my fairies -- hardly aware of the bed or the hour -- but always focused on Sir Steve. 

He stroked my face and whispered softly it was time to sleep -- and I drifted off -- still dancing with my fairies........ and contented.

~~~~~~~~~~~

However just a side note -- we discovered my falling asleep while still so far in my head is not the best idea.  In the morning I awoke feeling lonely and a little lost.  As is my habit I got up the minute my eyes were open -- not gaining any focus -- or grounding -- and was a bit of a mess when Sir Steve got up.  

Lesson learned -- some quiet snuggling time is needed at the end of an intense play time before my mind drifts off to sleep............ 
 

Fairies

One thing I didn't share with you from last weekend is my fairy garden.

It's all set up and catching people's eyes -- especially the childen!  The teacher I worked with re-gifted a set of fairy wind chimes which will come to the trailer this weekend and I know Sir Steve will hang them.... he tends to humour my need to be surrounded by fairies.

I didn't bring my good camera -- only had my cell -- but I so wanted pictures of the fairy garden I couldn't wait for the good camera.  AND of course the day I took the pictures it had been raining..  the pics aren't the best -- but this is my 

Fairy Garden

This is the entry door -- the small bottle holds the key

of course the fairies have to be camping!

  

There's a little swimming hole for when the weather warms up... 

 

 a quiet bench for snuggling......

 

fairy Emma is singing "feed the birds...."  

 

 I hope over time to add some pretty ground cover that will flower and more fairies to delight young and old......

Full

His teeth sank into my neck and my body trembled with 
need ......... 

Need for his touch 

Need for his pain

Need for his marks

And he whipped and flogged and paddled and touched and stroked and kissed till my body shook. 

He saw my need - knew my need - and he brought me to the edge and pushed me over - to the place where my fairies dance and the lights twinkle .......... 

He filled me up - to overflowing -  and I love him for what he gives me - and more.

Found my Wings..

Sitting here this morning I am desperately trying to find the words to describe the amazing adventure I had this weekend............. I do feel very much like I have found my wings again!

I was invited to spend the weekend with friends.  This wasn't the first time.  I have been before.  It was a time for me to de-stress - to laugh and chat and just be myself for a few hours.  It was in a sense my saving grace.
 
Over the last many months I have been in limbo I guess.... figuring I was going back to vanilla - knowing the last thing I needed/wanted was another D/s relationship - the last one just drained the soul out of me I think.  I had very little interest in playing - I would try to pull up the old desire - but honestly I just couldn't find it.  It was gone.

But over the last few weeks I had started to perv porn again (ok ok you can all close your mouths now - yes sometimes I DO perv porn!!) and the fantasies started to dance around the edges of my mind ... tickling me... and then slipping away again like a mist over the lake... but never gone for long - drifting back - reminding me of who I am at my very core.

I started to wish I could try pushing some of my HARD limits - find out what I was missing - if indeed I was missing anything........ wouldn't know till I tried right??? but then those thoughts would mist over and float away.....

And then - there I was driving to my friends with my imagination working in over drive.  I tried to push the thoughts away - after all - these are friends - with a capital F.  We really hadn't even discussed playing..............What the HELL was I doing!!??

And yes - you have figured it out - smart people......... we did play on Friday night AND again on Saturday night.  I wonder if they saw the need burning inside me - a need I still did not want to acknowledge ...  

Today I am sitting with fairy marks on my thighs and ass that make me smile.. that leave me feeling tingly and warm and right about myself again........ Hopefully in the next few days I will find the words to describe in more detail how so many walls came tumbling down - from flimsy fall over in a soft breeze wall - to built of mortar and bricks strong.  

For now I just need to sort it out - take it from wisps of memories that dance naked in my mind - to grown up intelligent words that make sense ........... For now be happy for me as I have found my wings again.............  

SUPER DOM!!

I now have a glow in the dark SUPER Dom!!!  I do !  I do !!

Let me explain.............

Yesterday W had a heart test that involved injecting him with radioactive material - which of course makes him glow in the dark right?? Right!  

And then, after lunch, He decided to try out his new SUPER Dom skills.. so he sent me to fetch a couple of toys to play with........... being a good subbie (and only because I am a good subbie - nothing to do with eagerness - nope no way.. just good subbie) I ran walked upstairs and pulled out the toy bag and selected a flogger, a whip and a paddle.

Then W went to work on my poor lil ass.  His super skills were put to the test with first the flogger, then the whip.  W tried the paddle once or twice but it didn't appeal to him.  I remember repeatedly saying "fuck a duck" which gave me a fit of the giggles. Finally  Super Dom collapsed on the floor beside me -  and asked if the fairies were playing.  It had been so long since my fairies came to play - I was thrilled to tell him that yes indeed the fairies had arrived and were dancing around the little "fuck a duck" (cheeky grin)

I could most definitely get used to this retirement thing!!

My secret garden

I was awake at the crack of dawn today - having gone to bed at the crack of dawn (literally) suffice it to say I didn't get much sleep.

My body ached and my heart ached...... and I knew it was past time to find my secret garden again and bring it back to life. My precious secret garden was threatened ....... evil thoughts evil threats.... I haven't been able to work there. But this morning with the birds singing......I dug, I pruned, I trimmed, and I caressed my fairies - oh how I have missed them this long winter. The bushes I have planted and moved and re-planted and moved yet again have finally started to blossom in their final spots. The branches spreading high create safe refuge for my lil fairies.

There is an order to my secret garden. You probably wouldn't see it....... but it is my order and my plan and my secret garden. It calms my soul to work in the dark earth... to feel it between my toes.. to dig out the few weeds that dare to take root in my secret garden.

When the work was done I plunked myself down in the grass and laid - like a 4 year old - on my tummy and peaked into the greenery and caught glimpses of my fairies and knew in my heart of hearts that all is right with the world.... with my world.

Come who may.. to visit...... you will never see my secret garden...... it is mine and it hides within my heart.

And the fairies danced

ok so much for joking about Sir barbecuing last evening... It was a wonderful thing to do., it just goes to show that this sub/slave thing can be reciprocal .... that Dominant and submissive alike can care for the other...and that there can be good natured teasing and laughing and sharing between the two....

i was drained when i got home from that bridal shower... i didn't know if i could face making a big dinner.. i really just wanted to curl up in Sir's arms.. (some sex would have been nice - soft gentle vanilla sex - though that is one thing that won't happen around here .. ever) to know He would help with dinner... was a gift.... and so dinner was made and partaken of..... and even the dishes were shared ..

Then lots of giggles and laughter - yeah even giggles and laughter can happen in a BDSM relationship.....

And then later.. i was on my stomach on the sofa.. head buried in the pillows.. while Sir went to town on my ass with the leather strap and the crop...

And it was funny how it was affecting me last night.. i could hear the sound of each toy.. and was amazed (for some reason) at how different they sounded.. the leather strap so heavy and thuddy.. the crop so high pitched and sing-y almost.... (maybe having some Barbara Streisand special going on in the back ground helped with the sing-y bit!!) Though once or twice Barbara's whiney voice started to grate on my nerves... but then the strap would bite and the pain would rise and her voice would float off into some song or other.. and all would return to normal...

i do remember surfacing long enough to hear some words from some song... and i snuggled into the pillows and grabbed at the words - so afraid by this morning that i would forget what she had been singing... and it all seemed so important at that particular moment......



The words kept playing in my head..
"Hold my hand and we're halfway there
Hold my hand and I'll take you there......... "
and i was answering in my head.. i am holding your hand.. tight.. hit me harder.. yes yes like that.. more more more.. we're halfway there... take me all the way there.. please .. all the way..... "

And Sir did.. all the way.......

And this morning i am struggling to remember bedtime.. and sleeping... and waking to talk to Him when He came to bed... it happened i think... but did it???

His way......

swan wrote a post the other day entitled " Trying to get there". As with all her blogs it was a good one !! It made me sit back and think....... especially her line ......
"I replied, "You don't DO warm-ups -- at least not with me. The only people who get warm-ups and aftercare are newbies."

There was something about those words.... something i have said in one form or another to Sir... definitely not quite so to the point... but she nailed it on the head.

When Sir and i were first playing together.. things were very very different from the here and now - for obvious reasons. He didn't know me or my body and i was a little anxious about Him. Our play sessions were combinations of warm ups... slow and easy warm ups - building to intense sessions of pain that had me hanging loosely from the chains.. playing with my fairies... lost to the world of reality. And those times spent with my fairies were long enjoyable holidays... long being the operative word. Not just 10 or 15 minutes - but hours and hours of blissful endorphin rushes.

The after care had to be the best times ever............. they were the times that Sir would hold me close.. letting me snuggle into His body.. feeling His skin against me... inhaling His scent.. feeling it infusing my mind and body with His closeness - with His love.

But days pass... months .. even years pass... we are not so new to each other anymore... He knows my body perhaps better than i know it myself.. There are no tentative slow starts... watching me for acceptance.. watching my body for the nod and the wink to continue.... Now if Sir wishes to use just the quirt - then just the quirt is used... Sir knows my body can handle it... just the whip ?? then it is just the whip........... if i cry and complain and try and wiggle away.. He tells me to hold still.. He tells me i like it (and i do)

He doesn't need hours upon hours now to assuage His need to cause pain... It is done in record time.........

And i don't "need" hours upon hours to reach my fairies either... they are alway there.. just waiting.. hiding behind the stroke of the cane or crop.. waiting to lift me up and away........ if only for a little while

BUT i miss those beginning days.. i do. Back in the beginning.. Sir would ask seriously if i was warmed up enough... and judge by my non-answer that i was indeed ready. Now He taps my ass once or twice... laughing.. and leans in and whispers "are you warmed up enough"... and it doesn't matter what i answer.. He is warmed up enough... and that is all that "matters".

Every so often Sir will say .. "have you had enough" .. and god help me if i answer NO.. for then He will go at my ass like there is no tomorrow... making me cry out.. making me beg Him to stop....... i have come to know .. it is not about me .. really understanding what that phrase means... when asked i don't answer anything now.. or simply say "yes Sir" .... because i have learned - it is NOT about me.

Now i know... KNOW.. if Sir were to play with a newbie (without me around) His style would be very different......... He would have a nice slow and easy warm up.. waiting for the body to be ready... waiting patiently.. then going full on ... taking the submissive to their happy spot... holding them there.. and then caressing them afterwards.. bringing them back slowly to the here and now.

BUT just isn't life ... is it?? Familiarity does that to couples.. be it with pain sessions.. or sex.. or just every day functions... ya get to know exactly what is needed and that is what is given.........

As much as i would like to go back to those beginning days.. (as much as i am sure Sir would like to reclaim the newness of this old subbie) it can't be done. Ohhhhhh every once in awhile Sir will do a nice slow warm up.. but it isn't the same.. it can never be the same......... for the butterfly dance is not a happy excited jig these days.. but more a graceful waltz .........

the new toy

Introducing the new toy of choice.. Sir's latest acquisition ... and my newest feared cane...........

The Lexan Cane...........




Now it appears no more harmful or hurtful than the vast display of canes we have hanging on the wall in the play room........... but trust me when i say this EVIL cane is by far the worst ever perverted by man!!!

Just a little info for those of you - like me - who have no idea what the hell lexan is.....

According to Wikipedia....
Lexan is similar to polymethyl methacrylate (Plexiglas/Lucite/Perspex) and is commonly described as acrylic in appearance, but is far more durable, often to the point of being described as "bulletproof" (depending on the thickness of the sample and the type of weapon used).

Bullet proof??? EXCUSE ME!!?? it is also used as windshields in aircraft..... and this wonderful acrylic substance is now being perverted into canes !! Stingy ouchy oh my god that kills canes !!!

i had a session with Sir's evil stick last evening........... and i knew almost right away that something was very very wrong ! First of all..Sir never even wound up and let one go......... He sat comfy cozy and was ...... for all the world.. giving me gentle wimpy taps....

i on the other hand was hanging on to the ottoman with every fiber in my being... crying out at each hit... feeling the pain deepen and widen with each hit.. the pain did not get better.. it did not get to the point that i could "climb" on top .. it did not get to the point that i could step out and off and float and dance with the fairies..no no... it got deeper and hotter and more red........ and it spread and engulfed my whole being.......

Something was terribly horribly wrong...

AND before anyone thinks that Sir started with this EVIL stick .. no no.. let me set you straight.. He was a good Sir.. a kind and caring Sir..He gave me a warm up with this lil flogger He gave me for Christmas..


a little rubber flogger that looks so innocent.. so soothing.. but it cuts and tears and rips and makes me feel bruised and marked..... it makes my ass hot and my body cold.. but compared to the EVIL stick it is most definitely a 'warm up' toy......

i have no idea how long the session lasted.. i know only that my mind bounced up and down with each stroke.. my body stiffened and loosened and collapsed with each stroke.. at one point i remember Sir asking where i was going and i realized i had somehow or other worked my way crosswise across the ottoman.. ass slouching just out of His reach.
And then i heard Sir say "littleone come give me a hug" and i had no idea where Sir was.. where i was.. i only knew the pain the red hot glaring pain was over.... and i was wrapped up in Sir's arms shivering and snivelling..........

i was wrapped up in my snuggly and lovingly placed on my chair.. i was fed juice and hugs and finally tugged up tight in bed to sleep .... perchance to dream of light swords and bare asses and fairies laughing and dancing around my head..........

Just Believe

Do you remember Tinker Bell?? remember Peter Pan??

i credit the movie Peter Pan with my desire to "never grow up" and my belief in fairies... At that crucial moment in the film Peter Pan turns to the audience .. and asks the children who believe in fairies to repeat "I believe in fairies ..... as a small child watching the film.. i repeated "i believe in fairies.. i believe in fairies" and magically Tinker Bell was well again !!!

From that moment on i believed in fairies and magic..........


i have a lot of the qualities that Tinker Bell had.......











a scamp and a bit of a brat.....

a tease......

stubborn and feisty .......

and just a little bit cheeky
(ok ok .. a whole lot cheeky!!)









Today as i head into my day....... i am going to hold all my fairies close to my heart.. and i am gonna believe..............



(i may be back tonite with an update........ )

did battle

Yes that is MY ass... Yes i did get the long awaited session .. YES the beast inside was fed..

But it didn't come easily........ it was a battle.........

and i know i am not the only one who fights this battle when the paddles and the whips come out........ i found this picture .. and thought how appropriate it is...... hate and love with misery spelled out across the middle...........


because that is exactly how it all started last night.......

It was late when Sir took me downstairs....... my fault....... entirely my fault that we didn't get around to a session till late....... in the afternoon i had a minor little (ok ok major) emotional melt down over my youngest daughter's wedding.......... and i kept saying "i have to sit and talk with her!!" As fate would have it .. when i called her.. she and her fiancé were having an "adult day" and had time to come by and sit and talk .... and talk we did....... for just over 2 1/2 hours ........ until i felt secure in the fact that she was happy.......... (i thought the damn brides were supposed to get emotional not the mother of the bride!!) But once we talked about styles and budgets and wants and needs....... i felt so much better.. and i think she did too... at least now she feels someone is thinking/talking about her wedding.. it is going to be a bit of a tight rope walk this year .. to get through two daughter's weddings ..... in the same summer !!!

Anywayyyyyyyyyy .. back to the topic.......... Sir took me downstairs and i went dragging my heels......... where was this bloody craving i had had all week?? Hells bells if Sir had been here during the week i might very well have attacked Him and dragged Him downstairs.. throwing myself at His feet and begging for the pain i so needed. Yet here it was.. the time to play........ and i can't get past the feeling that i really don't want to do this... that it is unfair.. i am so weird sometimes !!

Sir had me strung up on the cross - my favourite equipment - and going nice and slow.. easing me into the session so to speak.... and i can't get my head around it. Sir tried a nice rhythm ..and it hurt and i ground my teeth and glared.. Sir tried my favourite flogger .. and it hurt and i ground my teeth and glared.. (all the while in my head i had this battle going on... between loving and hating....and how absolutely miserable i felt...... and it kept feeling like the hating side was winning.. i was hating what Sir was doing to me.. i was hating the toys that were doing it.. i was hating Sir!) Sir got the wartenburg wheel........normally i LOVE the wheel .... i twisted and turned and tried to get away from it.. i yelped ouch .. i fought it... and all the while in my head the battle was raging........... and i was watching and thinking "stop it stop it stop it" (but to whom i was shouting this mantra to in my head - the hate or the love or even to Sir .. i have no idea). It just felt plain miserable.

Sir almost flung the wheel down... oh i am so sure He was wondering what to do to push me over the edge of the battle........ He wrapped his hands in my hair and pulled my head back and said .. so low and so fierce in my ear... "do you hate me?" and i answered "Yes Sir!" and the hand stayed wrapped in the hair and his other hand started to spank.. a slow methodical spanking......... building and building the heat in my ass.......... and somehow.. in my mind's eye i saw Sir slapping away the hate.. slapping away the misery.. holding my head up - hand wrapped tightly in my hair.. making me feel anchored and focused..........

And just like that... (imagine a snapping of a finger) POOF the battle was over.. and the love had won............. i marveled at how easily it had happened.. it was like the love just kept growing and growing till it filled my mind's eye completely and there was no room left for hate or misery...... just the very bright brightness of love......

And i settled down to the whip and the tawse and the paddles without any more battles... and when the question was asked "who loves you" i could answer "my Sir does - because He beats my ass!!"

fairies..

This isn't much of a blog entry......... but i had to share my latest additions to fairy world..........


this sweet new addition was given to me by my staff at lunch last week........





and this one was given to me today by an older woman who works for me... she said she saw it and couldn't resist giving it to me...... i feel very.. honoured?? special?? touched??? all my fairies are special.. but the ones that come unexpectedly into my life find a very special spot in my heart...

You know they say that Midsummer's Eve is the most likely time of year to see a real fairy....... i will have to keep my eyes open...........anyone know .. for sure!!.. when Midsummer's Eve is this year???

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and because it has been awhile.. i have posted some bondage pictures to my photojournal.... enjoy.......

weekend up date

or maybe i should have called it .. the weekend continued...

Sir decided yesterday afternoon it was time for a good session ..... a downstairs session... a multiple toy session. i wasn't so sure it was such a great idea... don't ask me why.. i really don't know.. Sir said downstairs and i went GULP.

It wasn't one of the those more formal sessions where i enter the play room and strip and wait submissively for Sir to put on the cuffs and hang me from some apparatus .. no it was much more casual than that.. i was remembering .. and reminding Sir.. how once upon a time He had told me i didn't need to act like a lamb being lead to the slaughter each time we went to the play room. So yes there was a certain amount of laughter and my being "difficult" - no lamb to the slaughter yesterday.

Sir got into the mood .. and decided that He was going to put me in a position that didn't allow for much wiggle room... He decided tip toes was a good starting position.. so instead of clipping the cuffs half way to the ceiling He clipped them AT the ceiling.



To facilitate the clipping Sir used this heavy wooden stool to stand on...... and as it conveniently has O rings in the sides He then proceeded to clip my ankles to the stool.... now i was stretched from ceiling to floor... no choice.. unless i wanted to lift the wooden stool - and trust me i tried.. but discovered to my horror that the sharp wooden corners tended to bang into my ankle bones... and add some very non-consensual pain.



The final crowning touch were these chip bag close thingies that Sir proceeded .. much to my horror.. and despite much pleading.. wailing and weeping.. to clip to my breasts... those clips did much to keep me still and focused on what He was doing!!!



And then He proceeded to beat my ass.. my thighs.. my shoulders/back.. pussy and breasts with whips and floggers and canes - oh my !!! Sir has always had code words/phrases/questions He asks during a session to gage just where my brain is....... He will ask "who loves you?" and i will answer " my Sir loves me".. and then later on He will ask "how do you know I love you" and my answer is " because my Sir beats me".. well yesterday the litany didn't go quite that way.... but as Sir wrote about it in His blog.. i will let you all read the ending there..

It was a wonderful session.. honestly wonderful........... until Sir decided it was time to take me down........ the tears came.. and flowed freely........ no orgasm... again no orgasm... and i was devastated.. i kept trying to rationalize it.. through fairy fogged thinking... to no avail....... i felt cheated somehow..... my pussy was absolutely throbbing..... and of course dripping..... and i couldn't believe that Sir would call it quits .. just like that.. and the really funny thing.. i felt humiliated.. i wanted to ask Him for an orgasm.. just one.. but i couldn't get my mouth to work.. i felt humiliated and so more tears...

When we got upstairs.. and i was still weeping pathetically.. Sir told me to go and fetch some lotion for Him to apply to my welted ass. Eventually i did find my way upstairs and brought back the lotion...

Folks... there is nothing .. in my opinion.. nothing... as sensual as Sir applying lotion to my burning ass. i was kneeling over the sofa.. ass up in the air.. moaning from the touch of his hand.. from the coolness of the lotion being kneaded into the welts.. His hand sliding over my ass.. between the crack.. down across my pussy lips... if i had thought the ache was bad before.. it was much worse now...

i was absolutely wanton in my moaning and wiggling.. and responses to Sir's hand .. pressure on private pink bits... i thought i would go out of my mind with desire and need.......... then Sir slipped his fingers into me.. spreading me wider than usual and proceeded to bring me to orgasm....... and oh what an orgasm it was!! It started somewhere deep inside my belly and radiated outwards like an ocean wave breaking over the rocks and spreading..........

It WAS an amazing afternoon !!!!

mind fucks and other painful things

Last evening Sir told me to fetch the needles.. and present myself..... usually needle play calms me and soothes me and makes me extremely horny !!! Usually it is done on Friday night after a particularily stressful week at work........ rarely is it done on Saturday.......i don't think i was much in the mind set for needle play....... honestly i don't know what was going on in my head but this is what happened..........

i got the needles and laid myself out flat on the living room floor with a pillow under my head... the very first touch of Sir's hand (not the needle BUT Sir's hand) had me whimpering and pleading ...... it was GONNA hurt.. i just knew it was gonna hurt ..... (and yes i know this sounds dumb.. considering having needles shoved in your ass SHOULD hurt.......but that is what i was whimpering)

i can't say the needles hurt any more than they usually do....... i can say they made my ass as overly sensitive as they always do.. making the muscles jump and clench and my lower belly tighten and my juices drip......... yet i was still whimpering......

At one point Sir leaned in to me and asked me what was wrong.. i didn't / couldn't answer him.. first off i didn't know what was wrong... secondly i didn't want him to stop .. despite it not feeling like it should.. always does.. (there is absolutely NO explaining my subbie brain sometimes!!!)

Usually after Sir has finished 'needling' me He then moves on to some sensation play ......... touching my ass.. running his fingers between the needles - wiggling the needles .. dragging his chain up the crack of my ass (god it is cold when he first starts with it) and then running it around and between the needles.

Now if you look at this chain.. you will see it has very little substance.. it is only meant to be used for sensation play (oh and to hold a medic alert information stick around Sir's neck ) BUT oh how that chain can have me wiggling around at Sir's feet.. flopping about .. legs opening and closing.. pleading quietly for some relief........

BUT not last night..last night the chain felt nasty and evil and it felt as though it kept snagging on the needles.. Last night Sir used it to flog me (gimme a break !!! how nasty could that lil chain be?? on a normal night i would say not nasty at all but last night........ well last night was different) i yelped i cried i begged i pleaded.. i was so damn sure that the chain was going to catch one of the needles and just plain rip it out....... i was shuddering from the expectation.......

Sir was checking my mind set.. waiting to see if the 'fairies' were near...... but nothing... i was clinging to the edge of the pillow willing myself to endure..... So Sir picked up the hair brush.. the same hair brush from Friday's punchy feelings.. from the first hit to the last i was sure i was doomed.. those needles were gonna be pounded deep into my flesh... my mind was not allowing me to sort out where the needles had been placed and where i was being hit.........

clinging to the pillow .. sobbing into the pillow .. Sir finally ended the session with a hug.....

Seconds later i was explaining to him how scary the needle session had been this time.. S C A R Y ... it had not been a session in sensory play.. it had been a major mind fuck.. i shook my head looking at him.. i didn't get it then.. i don't get it now.. i KNOW Sir would never EVER do anything to permanently damage his property .. yet i had been petrified....... go figure..

Seconds after that realization.. i knew what i needed / wanted... i whispered to Sir.. "may i ask for something please Sir??" He nodded and waited.. i asked - can you believe this??!! i ASKED for the knife to be used on my breasts... Sir willing agreed .. but said TWO knives not one... He is after all ambidextrous.. no point in wasting a perfectly good knife or perfectly good hand !!! i was so intent on feeling the knife i didn't much care if Sir decided to use his hands and feet and wield all 4 knives ..............

And it was everything i had hoped for.. pain.. burning / searing pain sliding up and down my breasts... points of knives simultaneously pricking at my nipples .. moving them left and right.. lifting them.... knives sliding down to my thighs.. spread open for them .. for Him.. sliding down the delicate skin .. making patterns along the inner skin..........

no mind fuck now.. just glorious endorphin producing pain...... and marks.. wonderful red knife welts up and down my breasts........

and of course fairies who danced me up to bed .. to sleep.. to dream..

not so vanilla thoughts

All in all it was a good weekend.... despite the vanilla activities...... We went to a train show Saturday morning and i realized that the work i have done on the scenery isn't all that amateurish and the 'experts' fast water looks pretty much like my fast water - which is a white mess in the middle of the creek. i also got to buy a farm to go with my black smith shop - not at all what i had originally planned on doing..... the purchase (by mistake) of a black smith shop kinda changed the flow of the farm area......

Dinner with vanilla friends was ok too...... except i struggle so hard with the rules when surrounded by vanilla folks... example... i am always supposed to carry sweetener in my purse for Sir.. and the last packet had gotten mauled and mashed and i had tossed it out and forgotten to replace it. By the time coffee rolled around on Saturday night i had to hang my head because there was no sweetener in my purse... and it meant going out to the car to fetch the sweetener that is always kept there..... No one understood WHY i had to go....... and i felt like a child who was being scolded .. and i was embarassed .. and didn't really want to return........It is all so much simpler when we are with others from the BDSM community - they would laugh and tease me.. BUT on Saturday night the others looked at Sir like He was a "jerk" (for lack of better words) for allowing me to run and get His sweetener.. i much prefer the rules to be subtle and flow smoothly so no one notices.......

Sunday afternoon Sir strung me up from the chains in the basement.. it started with 20 punishment whacks.. with the plastic snake shaped shoe horn from Ikea.. and i was supposed to say "one Sir thank You Sir i have learned my lesson Sir" before the next strike..and i discovered to my dismay that a "FUCK - insert number - Sir thank You Sir " does not count towards the total and we must start over.. (please note i learned that valuable lesson on stroke 12 !!) i also learned that keeping my voice sing songy and rhythmical and a bit saucy helps get through the counting without too many "fucks"..

And then Sir moved on to the "play time"
i was cheeky and feisty and i did a lot of giggling and laughing.. i like when i am in a devilish mood when we play.. i love dancing away from the strokes and laughing when Sir grabs me by my breasts and or nipples and dares me to dance away..... BUT i still declare the flogger of a thousand bee stings is NOT a warm up toy.. no matter how gentle Sir says He is using it.. and the leather quirt and straps are definitely NOT breast toys.. and oh yeah since when did "we" agree that my breasts were to be played with??!! AND oh my god how it hurt when the quirt kept hitting my nipples dead on.. DEAD ON i say !!! and i listened to the "mood" music playing in the back ground..... and i kept thinking didn't we used to play right through the cd and play into the quiet nothingness at the end?? and i kept wondering why it is that each and every time Sir has me to the point that i am bent over nearly double with my ass up in the air ( a most embarassing position for me!) that the Lords of Acid ...or whatever the group name is... comes on singing "I want to fuck you up the ass".

And it embarasses me .. and amazes me that through all the pain.. i feel myself getting wetter and wetter .. till the whole room smells of my musky scent.. And Sir never forgets to whisper in my ear how drippy wet i am.. and how much i love everything He is doing to me... which - most of the time - just makes me wetter.

And when the song "I want to fuck you up the ass " came on.. i was bent over.. Sir using the wooden sword on my ass and soft spots with one hand and with the other was teasing my clit .. tugging on my jewelry .. making me back up into the spanks .. making my mind whirl and not focus anymore.. my need growing.. feeling His fingers slide into me.. pushing me way over the edge i had been teetering on .......... and then.. then.. wondering how He was ever going to get me down from the chains without my falling.. feeling like i was falling.. holding on to Sir tightly ..but still being aware enough to enjoy the cheeky thought of how He would yelp if i .. by mistake.. grabbed a hold of His nipple and tugged on IT for support........... and sinking to the ground at His feet .. a puddle of submissivness.. thanking Him for the session.. thanking Him for everything...........

And then being snuggled up under the blankets upstairs in the recliner.. feeling myself dosing off.. feeling warm and snuggly and seeing my fairies dancing just beyond my reach.........

Just believe..

When i was a little girl, my parents took me to see Peter Pan in the theater.. it wasn't something that happened very often (seeing movies in theaters!) there just wasn't enough money left over at the end of the month........

i must have been 3 or 4 when i saw the movie.. it was my first.. and has been my life long favourite.. There was just something about Peter Pan never growing up that hit home with me... and now years later i tend to say i have a "Peter Pan" complex.. i never want to grow up.

Maybe my love of fairies came from that movie.. Tinkerbell was my favourite character.. ohhhhhh how i dreamed of having my own tinkerbell who would spread fairy dust on me and make me fly.. i could see myself flying around my bedroom and swooping out the window...........

and i remember the saddest part of the movie.. when Tinkerbell was poisoned and dying.. and Peter Pan looked right out at me!! and asked if i believed in fairies.. and if i did i had to clap .. or shout or something - i honestly don't remember what was said.. i DO remember clapping my hands so hard they hurt.. with tears running down my face.. Tinkerbell just couldn't die !!!!

For some strange reason .. i woke early this morning.. feeling like i needed to "believe" today.. i needed everyone to believe in fairies.. well not fairies per say.. but in fairy tales... because this relationship with Sir is an awful lot like a fairy tale for me.. and i have always wanted a "happy ever after" ending..It has been two weeks since Sir walked out of the house... it has been two weeks since i was forbidden to have any contact with Him..Today He is coming here after lunch and we are gonna "talk" ...

and i am nervous and want to believe.. i really want to believe in fairies and fairy tale endings......... i am clapping can you hear me??

On growing old.....

New Year's Eve........... 2006 retreating into relative obscurity and 2007 looming just over the horizon.

In past years we have partied with friends, either vanilla or BDSM, but this year we stayed quietly at home, and i didn't mind one little bit. The thought did flicker through my mind at one point that we - no *i* - am growing old, no longing to party till the wee hours of the morning just to see the first few minutes of a new year. There will be 525,600 minutes in this new year.. a few missed ones won't honestly matter one way or another.

i was content to sit at my Sir's feet and watch some TV and finish the plans (in my head) for today's Annual BDSM Kinky Open House (today from 5pm till whenever) i was just content to sit and vegetate and think about New Year's gone by.........

Sir announced somewhere around 9 that He needed an ass to beat. i looked around - but mine was the only ass around..... so downstairs we went. Now i do swear that Sir tried to use every single toy on the wall.. and there are 27 regular toys on the wall... Now IF Sir was trying for a total number of hits to match the year "2006" He would have had to hit me 74 times with each toy (give or take one or two)... IF however, Sir was simply trying to give me a total number of hits of 365 (number of days in the year) then He would have used each toy 13.5 times... ( how does He hit me 1/2 of a time with each toy?? not possible...)

Anyway whatever His goal - whatever His final destination - all i really remember was seeing my fairies of 2006 dancing around and whispering in my ear....... It was perhaps the very best way to finish off 2006 and welcome in 2007!! Perhaps a new tradition could be made???

(and despite no one's help picking a "story starter" i have managed to post my monthly offering to the Fictional Journey...... link on the right .. i do hope you enjoy !!)

Happy New Year one and all !!!

always fairies

Almost everyone knows by now that i love fairies! not angels !! (that took a while to teach Sir - the difference between a fairy and an angel) i am different that way..... there is a child-like magic to fairies.. they hide in the flowers, in the dust bunnies under the bed, in the high up corners in the stairwell. They dance on the rainbows and giggle softly in your ear as you sleep. They dance amongst the boughs of the Christmas tree. And they always leave fairy dust behind. (as a little aside here.. i think i first fell in love with fairies the year i watched my dad climb under the christmas tree with my eldest - who was all of 4 or 5 at the time - and listen while he told her about the fairies living in our christmas tree)

Sir presented me with this fairy tonight. My first snowball in forever. i tilt it and watch the fairy dust swirl around her....... and i dream of things to come.........

Sir is talking about making a whole new list of rules and maybe just maybe enforcing them... (though He keeps talking about not wanting to 'break me' - honestly though i believe no enforced rules .. no consistency... is gonna break me faster than someone too strict.. do you know what i mean?? )
i dream of christmas break - two whole weeks - where my life will be mine to offer to Sir.. no outside responsibilities tugging on me.. when i don't have any schedule to follow except His........
i dream of a time when i can kneel at my Sir's feet 24/7 and be content with the kneeling... i dream of fairies and fairy dust and dancing on the rainbows.......

It is always a good thing to have dreams...... and a fairy snowball to wish upon...