Just a consult

Yesterday I had that appointment with the specialist that had been screwed up last week............. it was a consult - only a consult - the beginning of the process..........

W said he was coming down (again). I said (again) "it is silly for you to drive down I am only taking lunch off work - going in for at most a 15 minute appointment - to schedule tests and more tests.  IF something goes wrong this time I promise you can beat me black and blue - honest - I don't need you here for a consult.  I WILL need you for the biopsy."  So W stayed home and I booked lunch off work.

At 10:45 I presented myself (as ordered) for the 11:15 appointment.  I had all the paperwork that had been missing last week in my grubby lil hand.  Everyone remembered me.  I was ushered into the waiting room.  Where I waited and waited and waited some more.  (thankfully they had Mr. Bean running on the television set which - I admit - did distract me for all of 5 minutes) 

By 11:45 I was getting fidgety.  By 12:00 they called my name.  Now you have to know (in case you missed this 5 years ago) I did not like the doctor - she bloody scared me.  She was cold and didn't talk and HURT me.  When she came in the room my heart stopped and my stomach immediately went into spasms.  BUT this time she smiled at me - actually smiled!  She talked about the spotting I had experienced.  She talked (a little bit) about vaginal atrophy and her disapproval of estrogen treatments.  Then she said "let' s take a look". 

So I wiggled down the bed - till my ass was virtually hanging off the bed - dontcha hate that feeling of totally exposure??!!  The speculum was inserted with some discomfort - and she said soothing things (shock surprise!!) and was telling me what she could see... then something she said made me ask "Are you doing the biopsy NOW???!!"  and she answered "why yes - but it doesn't mean you have cancer - or I think you have cancer" .......... and right about then I felt it............... the most extreme excruciating pain you will ever feel in your whole entire life.............  

It is like some red hot poker is setting your insides on fire............ explosions went off in my head - bright colours with black - deepest darkest black surrounding it....... I was puffing I could hear myself puffing - trying to get air - and I heard the doctor saying we are going to count - it is only going to take till 10 ...... and I heard her counting and telling me to breath - and she got to 5 and I am thinking only 5 more - when she said "it's done.  " and stood up.

The pain didn't stop though - one would hope it would stop - but it doesn't.  It centralizes........... and builds ....... till you feel like you are gonna throw up or pass out.  I asked if I could sit up ........ the doctor said yes if you think you can.  I sat up.... It was better than lying there exposed.  It still hurt......... building and exploding and hurting.

She said "you definitely have vaginal atrophy.  Go and make an appointment with my nurse for a month from now.  I will have the biopsy results by then."  Then she told me no work for the rest of the day and today.  And left.

I made the appointment hanging onto the counter for dear life.  The nurse told me to take 2 extra strength tylenol every four hours..... smiled and gave me the appointment for a month from now.  (Part of me wondered if they were all smiling at me cause I had caused such a 'shit storm' last week when they lost my paper work - but it was probably my imagination spurred on  by the pain.)

Then I managed to find the elevators and make my way to my car.  I sat in the car and wondered how in god's name I was supposed to drive myself home.  You have no idea how much pain I was in......... my head was spinning and I kept thinking I was gonna throw up.  

Half way home the tears came - and I cried.  I felt so damn alone - and knew W was gonna "beat me black and blue" for not letting him come to me.  BUT honestly who knew she was gonna do a damn biopsy??!!  (and without any form of freezing or anesthetic I might add) 

I got home and made my way inside.  I stripped off my clothes...... I wanted to throw them out..... I felt violated in a weird sort of way.  It's really hard to put into words.....but the best way I can find is "violated" ............. I was bleeding and hurting and yeah worried too........... in all the tissue she scraped and vacuumed out of my uterus were there cancer cells??? were there abnormal cells - again???

I spoke with W briefly - mostly crying - snotty nosed and tear stained face - so sexy .......... then I contacted the school and told them I wouldn't be in before Wednesday.... then I took a handful of tyenol and lay down on the sofa - pulling my knees up to my chest - protecting my sore insides - crying softly as I fell into a painful troubled sleep.

Today I am still bleeding (to be expected) and it still hurts a little bit.  I am - I think - glad I didn't know she was gonna do the biopsy right then and there in the middle of "just a consult"...........I do know I am glad she seemed so much more human this time....... 

Now I get to wait till the 18th of January for the results......... vaginal atrophy ........OR............................